The Pine Valley Chronicles, Chapter Ninety-Nine

Welcome to the Pine Valley Chronicles, an ongoing neighbourhood story in The Sims 2!
Warning: this journal may contain uncensored nudity, violence, profanity and sexual themes.

Updates on Friday every week!

Click Here for Previous Entries!

One more to go.

Last time in the Pine Valley Chronicles…

Yeah, it was great. Wasn’t it.


Penny: Off to work?
Jerome: Yep.
Penny: Don’t let any buxom young babes with tiny dick fetishes sweep you off your feet.
Jerome: Don’t go fulfilling any girl-next-door adultery fantasies!

Penny: Aww, he thinks he’s playing along.

Penny: It’s really sad, actually.

Brooke: Where’s my tip?
Jerome: Don’t take any wooden nickels!
Brooke: I only accept paper or plastic.

Jerome: I got promoted!

What? It’s been like an hour! All you did was show up!

Jerome: I’m a politician! That’s more than they expect.

Jerome: Hi honey! What are you up to?
Penny: Nothing unusual.

Jerome: Do you ever feel like you live on some bizarre, nonsensical elseworld?
Penny: No, but I usually feel like you do.

Jerome: I don’t have to take this abuse. I’m a playa.

So that’s why I hate you so much.

Jerome: This font is too small to read.

You’re much more interesting from up here.

Heh, now it almost looks like SimCity 4.

Which means wherever he’s going, he’ll drive the most moronic, convoluted route possible and never even arrive.

So your wife emasculates you, and you go to drown your sorrows at the local monument to people with much bigger balls than yours.

You are one sad sack of shit, Jerome.

Jerome: BUT AT LEAST I’M IMAGINING THINGS

Kennedy: Have you seen a macaw around here? They let all the damn birds out of their cages at the pet shop again.

Jerome: I can’t even go crazy right.

Gretchen: Putting the kid through his paces?
Ally: Lazy little fucker hasn’t moved in months!

Gretchen: Don’t talk to Ally. I think she’s having a miscarriage.

Jerome: You remind me of my wife.

Jerome: And so do you, except my wife isn’t trying to kill her baby.
Ally: She would be, if she thought about its genetics long enough.

Jerome: Okay, fuck these people.

I’m sure the cemetery crowd will be much more animated.

Or re-animated, as the case may be.

Melanie: I prefer to think of myself as de-un-re-animated, actually.

Melanie: These flowers were fertilized with the remains of my victims.

Yeah, right. Do I look stupid to you?

There aren’t enough flowers for that.

Anywhere.

Jerome: My self-destructive impulses are telling me to greet you.
Melanie: Most people’s do.

Melanie: But they’re not usually that self-destructive.

Jerome: NO I DID NOT COME HERE TO PICK UP A WOMAN AND PROVE MY MASCULINE VIRILITY!
Melanie: I wasn’t coming on to you!
Jerome: Well WHY NOT?

Melanie: I should have just killed everyone when I had the chance.

Most of the audience probably thinks so too.

Melanie: Are you sure you won’t let me toy with you a bit? I used to love doing that.
Jerome: I’m already married, thanks.

Jerome: Hey, nightfall! I’m going to leave before you turn into a zombie and start howling.
Melanie: That’s werewolves.
Jerome: AND HOW WOULD YOU KNOW, IF YOU WEREN’T ONE YOURSELF?!

Jerome: I’m so clever.

Tucker: Are you-
Melanie: YES, I’m Zombie Queen Melanie Lillard. Can you people get a life already? It was decades ago, and it wasn’t my fault, and I’m tired of getting shit for something I barely remember doing!
Tucker: -done with these flowers? I want to sniff them.

Jerome: At least here, I already know what kind of crazy person I’m likely to meet.

Jerome: And anyway I can stay out here all day and ignore her.

Wow! You guys really are married!

Jerome: I wish I had some bagged victims to use.

Jerome: I’m gonna grow a fertilizer plant!

One way or another!

Jerome: Hello attractive woman! I am the young and virile Jerome Newcastle! Doubtless you sensed my masculine pheremones from miles away.

Annie: No, I just wanted to congratulate you on that rockin’ hat.

Jerome: Still better than what I get from my wife.

Jerome: Thank you for making me feel relevant again.
Annie: Shit, did I do that?! The local Committee for the Continued Irrelevance of Jerome Newcastle is gonna have my head!

Jerome: I wonder if they need a secretary.

Penny: We should get a doghouse.

Penny: That would be even more degrading than sleeping with the hamsters.

You leave Mr. Grivver and Mrs. Flibble out of this!

Penny: Alright, I’m shutting off this part of the chapter.

Fine by me.

And just in time, too.

AND JUST IN TIME TOO

WAAAUUUGH

I spoke too soon.

Brooke: You look pretty pleased with yourself, Mr. Whittaker!
Michael: Fucked me a lesbian last night!

Michael: You should try it some time. It’s great.

You’re not going to work like that, are you?

Poppy: Well, I tried forcing it out, but it wouldn’t go. So yeah. Looks like it.

Poppy: I’m tired of this stereotype of the helpless pregnant woman.

What about the woman who can’t drive?

Kendra: What about the woman who holds a grudge?!

Poppy: What about the woman who reached the top of her career path?!

Don’t be ridiculous. That will never be a stereotype.

Glass ceiling whaaaat.

Michael: Nothing says “meh” like getting promoted in a job you despise!

Michael: I was thinking I’d buy a big ol’ brick of gold with my bonus.
Poppy: Good idea! You can use it to replace your teeth.
Michael: I haven’t lost any teeth!
Poppy: No, but you haven’t wasted your bonus on a gold brick yet either.

Kay: These perfume stands are getting more and more esoteric.

Kay: And it’s working!

Kendra: I think I’m becoming a hobbyist.

Richard Zhang: OH GOD OH GOD

Richard: That was close.

I miss my axe murderers.

Poppy: It suddenly occurred to me that I hate housework!

Kent: Really? I’ve known that about myself for years.

Michael: Fuck money! Who needs it!

Practicing your reverse psychology?

Kent: Man, these gloves make great Q-Tips.

Tag team!

Michael: Poppy! Some woman wants to talk to you! You’d better not be cheating on me.

Poppy: I’m so glad our relationship is built on trust.
Michael: It is? I thought it was built on your rockin’ ass!

And now, ladies and gentlemen, the outing that proves that my game has an amazing sense of humour.

Poppy: That pregnant Maxis townie is gorgeous!

They do say pregnancy gives you strange appetites, but this is too much.

Speaking of too much… seriously? Are we really doing this, game?

Poppy: Hot pregnant chicks represent!

Yeah! But what do they represent?

Poppy: Your utter bafflement.

Bradley: It’s not all pregnant chicks! I’m not pregnant! I’m not a chick!

Hahahahaha!

Oh! Wait. You don’t know why that’s funny.

My bad.

Lora: Your bad is in good company here.
Ember: Who invited you? You’re just a low-rent replacement Ember, and we’ve already got the real one!

Poppy: Come on, Lora! This is your husband’s family! It’s like a reunion for him!
Lora: Two sluts and a traitor, be still my beating heart.
Poppy: If that’s what you want, any one of us could make it happen.

Cameron: So, how did you guys meet?
Lora: We were zombies in a basement together.
Cameron: Nice! Chelsea and I did that once, too.
Chelsea: But enough about pending lawsuits.

A good Sims player, if he overloads his game with custom content and fucks around with the testing cheats too much, might, if he is very lucky, one day achieve the kind of warped and broken neighbourhood that produces carpet-smellers, memetic zombie queens and pregnancy outings.

Just call me the gold standard, baby.

Cameron: Am I the only person here who hasn’t died at least once? Just checking.

Ember: Am I the only person here to missed that whole zombie apocalypse thing?
Chelsea: Am I the only person here who’s FUCKING STARVING

Lora: Anyway, who invited the lesbian? If I wanted to go on a date I’d just fuck the butler back home.

Poppy: I’m not a lesbian. I’m pregnant. You fucking moron.

Tucker: Are you with those people across the street?
Chelsea: Does it look that way to you? If so, I doubt even glasses would help.

Yesssss.

My wet pregnant chick stampede fantasies are all coming true.

Cameron:Nobody can hear me.
Thunder: NOBODY CARES

Ember: I have five lovers…
Cameron: That sounds kinda lowish, mom.
Ember: …waiting for me at home, so let’s not be out too late, okay?

Poppy: I don’t know why the sky fairy is always so mean to you. I think you’re pretty cute!

Sky fairy am I? That’s the kettle calling the pot gay, isn’t it?

Ember: I still remember our first concert. All the other punk rock bands were smashing violins. We went further. We smashed violinists.
Bradley: Meet my new wife! Hotter than my old wife.
Cameron: Who is my mom.
Ember: We got to write it off as a humanitarian effort, even.

Bradley: Sometimes, for fun, Lora and I roleplay! I pretend to be our butler, and she pretends to be sexually interested in him!
Cameron: Sure sounds pretend, all right!

Lora: Man, piss on you guys.

Chelsea: Hands up, everybody who’ll miss the ice queen.
Bradley: No fair! You know my arthritis gets worse at night!

Bradley: We have to keep a phone by the bed in case my arms lock up when we’re making out.

Cameron: Thank you for coming, Poppy. Otherwise it woud just be my family. And fuck that.

Poppy: I’ll fuck anything you want me to fuck, Cameron.

Bradley: That went to an interesting place.

Lora: Maybe it’ll bring some interesting people back with it.

Chelsea: I say we vote her off Pregnant Island.

Chelsea: And make her swim home.

Poppy: I vote we take this party up a notch.

Poppy: CAMERON! I WANT TO DO LEWD THINGS WITH YOU!

Cameron: Nobody’s said that for ages!

Poppy: Take off, Bluto. I wanna play tongue hockey with your daughter-in-law.
Lora: Gonna bring your husbands in to ref?
Poppy: Ooh, what a high moral stance you have. Are you a lobbyist for Big Butler Adultery?

Lora: That was too convoluted to argue with.

Cameron: It’s been an… interesting night, Poppy.
Poppy: Know what’d make it even more… interesting?
Cameron: Bi-curiousity?

Poppy: Men think so, anyway.

Poppy: Now it’s an outing outing!
Cameron: I’m still not gay.
Poppy: Yeah, me either.

Lora: This whole chapter is gay.

Cameron: HAHAHA GOOD ONE

Arcadia: Alright, alright, break it up! Save some tongue for hot dogs!

Cameron: I’m still a hot dog girl, Poppy.
Poppy: I won’t judge you.

If the subtext here gets any denser, I’m gonna have to start using footnotes.

Poppy: Alright everybody, I’m calling it! The First Annual Pregnant Chicks Night Out is a smashing success! So go back to your normal, boring lives and despair.

Bradley: Can do!

Katelyn: Was it just me, or was that redhead with the curls really hot?
Opal: It certainly wasn’t you, fugface.

Bradley: Back to pretending my wife is above average!
Poppy: Everybody give Bradley a big cheer for being a good sport!
Cameron: Woo! Go dad! You own that dead, loveless marriage!

Bradley: Yeah! I’m a stud! I can fuck one, maybe two hands every night! Three, or even four, if Lora falls asleep before me!

Bradley: Why’d everybody go quiet?

Bradley: No, seriously, what?

The priceless Prices.

And friend.

Lora: I’m not just their friend! Bradley loves me, and his daughters look up to me!

Chelsea: Dad, your bus is here.
Ember: Ohh, burn!
Cameron: That’s a terrible thing to say, Chel! I’m sure she’s a lovely dog.
Bradley: AHAHAHAHA she’s pretty shite isn’t she.

Cameron: I’m sorry I was mad at you for no reason for macking on my husband’s dad for no reason.
Ember: Why are you bringing that up now?
Cameron: No reason.

Ember: Funny.

Cameron: Anyway, watch this! I’m gonna sneak up on Chelsea, and she’s gonna choke on that hot dog!
Ember: I doubt it. If she’s anything like me at that age, she’s got unnatural gag reflex control.

Poppy: I didn’t even hear any of that, but ewwwwwwwww.

Sorry to leave you in the lurch, Mike.

Michael: Don’t mind me. It’s not like I’m a main character or anything.

I’m glad you understand that.

Michael: Nice time? Spend lots of money?
Poppy: I tongued out one of Cameron’s fillings, so actually I’m up for the night!

Poppy: Where would you be without lesbian jokes?

Probably somewhere more popular.

Truly a night to remember.

Michael: Speaking of which…
Poppy: Why are you naked now?
Michael: It happens sometimes. If you figure it out please let me know.

Michael: I bought that painting.
Poppy: I know.
Michael: It was expensive.
Poppy: Mhmm.
Michael: My wallpaper has Simoleons on it.
Poppy: Your point?
Michael: I read about this trick to make my penis appear bigger.

Michael: That headboard cost more than Kendra’s entire house.
Poppy: At least her house has some decent-sized cocks in it.

Michael: Why you gotta be such a downer?

Poppy: I get off on shame.

I should introduce you to Penny.

Michael: STOP TRYING TO RELESBIANIZE MY WIFE

Michael: AND FOR THE LOVE OF GOD STOP FREEZING ME LIKE THIS

Bigfoot impression?

Daisy: Stepped in werewolf shit.

That was gonna be my second guess.

Daisy: You can’t contract lycanthropy through fecal contact, can you?

I don’t know.

Curse my liberal arts education!

Cameron: Oh, you got them an outing gift too?
Daisy: Actually I came over to abduct Michael. But if you talk to the police, yeah, tell them that first story.

Daisy: On second thought, as long as you’re over here, I’m gonna go fuck your husband.

Kendra: Fuck my ex- husband, too! While you’re at it.

Awkward juxtapositions: the only thing the fucking penguin is good for.

Poppy: You want to know about awkward juxtapositions, talk to Mikey-boy here.
Michael: Look, I know it’s not very big, but your great big baby stomach was part of the problem too.

Kent: I’m going to incinerate their sheets.

Maybe don’t wait for them to get up first.

If you tip it…

…they will dumb.

Brooke: IT’S FINE

This is basically how our garbage collection system works, on the whole.

Oh my god!

Poppy: He’s evolving!

Michael: I hate Pokemon.

You probably can’t even pronounce it.

Next time: CHAPTER ONE FUCKING HUNDRED.

It’s gonna be alright.

Michael: Pokemon! Isn’t that how you say it? Pokemon!

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