The Pine Valley Chronicles, Chapter Ninety-Eight

Welcome to the Pine Valley Chronicles, an ongoing neighbourhood story in The Sims 2!
Warning: this journal may contain uncensored nudity, violence, profanity and sexual themes.

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Coming up on the big one oh oh! …that sounded like someone starting to count to ten but then suddenly having sex.

Didn’t it?

Last time in the Pine Valley Chronicles…

News travels fast around here.

Now there’s a romantic spot for a date.

At least this place has a reputation for getting the juices flowing.

Clay: It’s so hot that we’re visiting the Murder Museum.
Abigail: It’s the Apocalypse Museum.
Clay: Say what? I can only parse words up to eight letters. Can you see this haircut I’ve got going on?

Abigail: I like clueless men. They don’t get that gross look of dawning realization when they’re about to die.
Clay: I can see where that’d be a turn-off.

Alvin: I can’t see any turn-offs.

I can.

How come she’s getting a crush, and you aren’t?

Clay: I’m always crushing pussy, that’s why!

That’s… that’s great. Thanks.

Clay: Did you bring me here just to brag about all those zombies you saved?
Abigail: No, I came here just to brag about all those zombies I saved. I brought you here so we could have sex after.

Abigail: So yeah, this stuff is pretty great. If you’re a zombie and you’re in platinum or gold, you turn into not a zombie. If you’re a zombie and you’re in green or red, you turn into a fairly manageable chunk of dirt.
Clay: And what if you’re not a zombie, but you’re in platinum or gold?

Abigail: Apparently, you gurn.

Clay: Could have done without knowing that.

Abigail: Also apparently you shit yourself. Through your pores.

Chelsea: Could have done without knowing that.

Abigail: Sometimes science marches on through smelly places.

Why are you naked?

Clay: Charity?

Clay: Alright! Less yakking, more macking.

Where are you going?

Clay: Wherever that spectre of pregnancy isn’t.

Clay: Ugh. Commitment.

Abigail: Did he just ditch me?!

No, I think he’s meeting you back at your place. Probably naked. On your bed. Covered in chocolate.

Abigail: This is how we get… get… NO. NO.WE’RE NOT DOING THE ARCHER JOKE.

Brenda Wilson: Well done! EVERYONE does the Archer joke.


Abigail: Man, fuck you guys. First world problems are hard.

Abigail: Just in case I need to stash his body later.

I wasn’t going to ask.

Really discreet location you picked, though.

Abigail: Where else would you put a warning to others?

Abigail: Hey! Cool! I think I found a half-eaten person!

Pff. You could dig one of those up anywhere around here.

Abigail: Yeah, but Victor pays good money for tips like this. He’s run out of murderer corpses to experiment on.

Abigail: Hey Poppy! How’s the fats?
Poppy: Is that like the “haps,” only with a veiled reference to my pregnancy?
Abigail: Shit, was it veiled?

Poppy: It’s a never-ending body horror.
Abigail: Tell me about it. I had eight of them.
Poppy: Man. No wonder you went mad!

Abigail: Postpartum Scientist just doesn’t have the same ring to it.

That’s enough halls of the dead for now.

Are you even listening?

Chas: I appreciate… your honesty… can we still… be friends…
Ira: Dream big, Chas. Dream big.

Ira: This dude was just having a fail wet dream about you!
Abigail: Do you mean every dude? If so, then yeah. I know.

Deirdre: Oh no! Did somebody die?
Carey: Like… constantly?

Leonora: Guys. I think Chas just died again.
Ira: He does that a lot, eh?

Abigail: There must be something in the water here.

These are undergrads.

They never touch the water.

And it never touches them.

Abigail: Yeah, it’s pretty gross.

Herb: I sweat for you, baby.

Herb: And also for me.

Leonora: Hey… wait a minute…

Leonora: Are we doing boring shit?!

Abigail: Oh fuck! We are!

Abigail: To hell with that!

Leonora: I can feel the gross nerdiness all over me!

Abigail: I can feel something entirely different all over me.

Not unless you want a hysterectomy, you can’t.

Abigail: And then he threatened to tear my uterus out!
Ira: I think that means he likes you!

Ira: But I don’t. Why are you talking to me?

Abigail: Because you haven’t got much competition.

Abigail: Man, screw that bitch.

Sure, why not?

Ally: Just puttin’ in my time, baby. Just puttin’ in my time.

Abigail: …okay.

Abigail: I think you might have baby poisoning.

Abigail: So good luck with that!

Abigail: Hey! You didn’t follow me back to my dorm!
Clay: Oh, is that not illegal anymore? Did they get rid of those blue panic stations at your university?

Kea: They had to. All those calls about zombie rape were clogging up the switchboard.

Kea: Anyway, goodnight.

Chas: It is, isn’t it?


Abigail: Alright gang, this is Clay! Clay, this is Doormat and Mismatch and Lesbo.
Kea: But I’m not lesbo for Mismatch!

Clay: Ouch, brainfart.

Clay: Also, dammmmmmn.

Clay: That chick is remote manipulating her mac n’ cheese!

Clay: And it’s horrible.

Abigail: I just want to see if it’s a clip-on!
Clay: Of course it fucking is! You don’t have to embarass me further!

Clay: I wear clip-on fake rumpled ties for sexy kisses.
Abigail: D’ohs before bros, huh?
Clay: More like d’ohs for hos.

I think I have one of their albums.

“Everybody Wants to Derp Derp Derp.”

Abigail: Sure do. All night long.
Clay: Is derping a synonym for-
Abigail: IT IS NOW.

Clay: Then I’m gonna derp you like a gerbitz, baby.

Lots of great Google search terms in this chapter.

At MNU, unscrupulous men slip something into your drink to make you wake up.

Kea lay there like a slug. It was her only defense.

Kana: ‘sup ghostface?
Deirdre: We did that joke already.

Abigail: Midget hula dancer!
Clay: Sensitive!

Abigail: Confused female Superman!
Clay: Elseworlds!

Abigail: Overacting volcano worshipper!
Clay: Pious!

Clay: Bitches.

Abigail: Yep!

Oh god.

You’re Dolph Lundgren’s parents, aren’t you.

Clay: Yeah.

Chas: NO

Herb: You ever feel like there should be something more to life?
Deirdre: If you’re going to try shitting yourself, I’m leaving.

Herb: Back to the ol’ standby, then.

Carey: You guys have weird hobbies!

Abigail: How do you get such a close shave?
Clay: It’s got something to do with how my hair is painted on. I’m not clear about the details.

Clay: Holy shit you’re light!
Abigail: I replaced my bones with-

Clay: This is the only way to stop the gross science shit.

Poor you, eh.

Clay: Yeah, nobody said this would be easy.

Clay: But she totally is.

Anything in particular?

Chas: NO

Clay: So, back to your room now?
Abigail: Chapter’s almost over. You’d better go home.
Clay: What? Why does that make any sense?

Abigail: Take a good long look before you go.

Chas: Why’s she sending you home?
Clay: Apparently I signed up for a study on blue balls?

Abigail: I hope they don’t really turn blue.

Abigail: Considering the shit they get up to, I really wouldn’t be surprised.

Clay: Roses are red / Violets are blue / I fucked my hand / Next time it’s you.

Abigail: Nothing like poetry to remind me why I love math.

Oh no!

She’s a closet boring!

Abigail: I’m out of the closet. Try to be supportive, eh? Geez.


Herb: Be vewwy quiet. I’m cloudburning cowmen.

Oh, fuck. Herb’s been possessed.

So, they make a face when they do that, eh?

You learn something useless every day.

Sometimes more than one thing!

If you go to school.

Celeste: How did you know I was making raincakes?!

Celeste: …where is that smell coming from?

Who cares? As long as it’s going away.


I guess the showers are broken.

Celeste: At least he’s not naked.
Herb: These clothes won’t come off anymore. They’re too stic-

Sure is zany around here!

Kea: You just keep telling yourself that.

Abigail: He does. That’s pretty much what this whole thing is.

You know what?

Piss on you.

Abigail: This is why I wear heels.

Me too.

Next time: pregnancy party!

…where you all going?!

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