The Pine Valley Chronicles, Chapter Ninety-Seven

Welcome to the Pine Valley Chronicles, an ongoing neighbourhood story in The Sims 2!
Warning: this journal may contain uncensored nudity, violence, profanity and sexual themes.

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Less prostitutes, more flies.

How often can you say that?

Deirdre: I think this guy is dead.

Deirdre: I think he’s not the only one.

Deirdre: I think that guy is dead, too.

Deirdre: This concludes your campus tour.

Abigail: Sure is dead around here.

Abigail: The perfect occasion for an abortion stirfry!

Abigail: My favourite part is the yellow bit that feeds the embryo.

Chas: .oO(I have no idea how to get to Elm Street, mister, but that’s a lovely striped sweater you’re wearing.)

Celeste: How many times have I told you, Chas, don’t talk to serial killers in your dreams!

Kea: Chas hasn’t moved in like a week.
Abigail: Oh no! You know what?! He might be an undergrad!

Sid: She’s kind of a bitch, eh?
Kea: I’m glad you think so too.
Sid: Hello? Ira? I’m talking to you! I said, Kea is kind of a bitch, eh?

Sid: What, you thought I was taking your side? You’re not even real.

Kea: How about I introduce my heel to your dick and then we’ll talk about what’s real.

Abigail: Is someone threatening your dick, Sid? Because that’s my job.

Abigail: On that note, wanna go on a date?
Sid: On that note, it sounds dangerous to refuse!

Sid: So hey, where we going?
Abigail: I’m going to go talk to some people on the phone.
Sid: So… thanks for the date, it was fun?
Abigail: I’m a speed-speed-dater. I thought you knew.

Abigail: It’s awesome. I swear I can actually hear his emotions crunch as I stomp on them.
Sid: I think that’s my self-respect, actually. My emotions just go squish.

Abigail: Alright, you ready to go?
Sid: Don’t got time for bitches, gotta finish my Feminist Studies homework.

Abigail: What’s more important, school or that horrible thing that happens to you later?

Sid: You’ve got a point! Wait, what horrible thing that happens to me later?
Abigail: No idea. I don’t write the script, I just recite it.

Sid: I think I love you, Abigail. Either that or my penis is inflating for no reason.

Abigail: Hey, either way!

Sid: I haven’t felt this good since I stole my sister’s panties!
Kana: God, that’s even appalling way the fuck back here.

Abigail: Stick with me, kid, and you’ll go places! Maybe not great places, since my first husband ended up in a garbage can, but… places, anyway.

Sid: That sounded ominous, but I wasn’t really paying attention, so… cool!

Abigail: You’re an undergrad. If you tried to pay attention, they’d refund it.

Abigail: Okay, let’s get going before the corpses block the door.

Hey, you just-

Abigail: -don’t want to think about it, that’s correct.

Wow! When’s the last time you came here?!


Well, don’t pop the question until you check out your alternatives.

Clay: I’m roguish.

This guy’s roguish!

Abigail: Yeah, but this one’s a pushover.

Sid: Hey, you do what works for you.

Hi Arcadia! I forgot what you looked like with hair. And skin.

Arcadia: See, this is one reason I don’t usually talk to time-travellers.

Clay: Hey lady. That dress looks great on you. Know where it would look better?
Abigail: On your floor, yeah. Heard that one.
Clay: Pff. Yeah right. More like, on the sidewalk. If I could hold myself back long enough to get you to my place, I guess I’d be gay.

Abigail: Just so you know, Sid, this date just became a competition.

Abigail: And you’re already losing.
Sid: Yep. Sounds about right.

Could be worse.

Clay: I just want you to know, no hard feelings.
Sid: I think that’s my line.
Clay: Nah, I think we all know that you’ve got no “hard feelings.” That’s one of the reasons she’ll like me better.

Abigail: Hello!
Angel: Braaaains.
Abigail: Oh, you’ve heard about me?

Abigail: Maybe you’ve also heard about this.
Sid: Hey, cool costume! Can I touch it?

Abigail: Stay over there and don’t move, Sid.

Sid: I don’t care if that blonde dude is way cooler than I am, I won’t let you distance yourself from me! Nothing can tear us apart!

Sid: …not even giant… black… flies…

Angel: How’s this for instant karma, science bitch?!



Abigail: Why do I always fall in love with lemmings?!


It keeps me entertained.

Abigail: I’d just gotten him potty trained, too!

Sharlene: Harsh girl! Did he stick you with the bill or something? AHAHAHAHA.

Shea: Absolutely! We can take a party of any size! Right now there’s this mad scientist murdering people with a ray gun, so if we can’t seat you all, she can take care of it.

Bill: Man, that’s a shitty way to end a date! The other prostitute just makes you bring her flowers.

Abigail: I bet this is the first accidental death in the county.


Meh, leave him on the ground then. It’s not like he’s going anywhere.

Thanks to you.

Berjes: Yeah, you totally just killed that dude.

Abigail: I prefer to look on the bright side!

Clay: Your boyfriend exploding into flies doesn’t seem to have cast much of a cloud over your day.
Abigail: I’ve been alive since this neighbourhood was created. I’ve seen things that make fly explosions look like something good.
Clay: Like “something good”?
Abigail: I’ve also been here long enough that I’ve forgotten what sorts of good things are usually supposed to happen to people.

Clay: How about being a hot single chick and meeting a hot single dude?
Abigail: That sounds okay, but I’d have to try it first.

Abigail: Hopefully soon, because I’m already bored.

Sid: I think I’m okay! I think we can order now.
Abigail: Sorry hon, I already got something. And I want to try it while it’s still hot.

Sid: You can leave now, frat dude! My girlfriend and I are going to share this hot food she says she has.
Clay: I don’t do threesomes.
Angel: What about foursomes?
Clay: I was counting the four of us as a threesome, and that’s being generous. Ghosts barely count for half a person.

Clay: Anyway, I forgot to introduce myself! I’m Clay. I pretend to be a talent agent, and I have sex with beautiful women on my casting couch because they think I can get them jobs.
Abigail: So, you’re a criminal.
Clay: Only in real life. On the internet, I’m just rich.

Abigail: Whatever. Wanna get something to eat? I already reserved a table, because I was gonna propose to that loser you’re standing in.

Clay: Sounds like a plan! I’ll scrape a bit of him off my shoe and put it on the table so he doesn’t feel left out.

Abigail: I should warn you that I am concentrated awesome, and that when you concentrate awesome so utterly as it is concentrated in me it tends to have nasty side effects for the less-awesome people who breathe it in.

Abigail: As a consolation, though, I’m nearly ninety years old and I know things about sex you’ve never dreamed of.
Clay: Oh, I dunno about that. You should talk to my psychiatrist.

Abigail: Allow me to introduce you to… the Tickle Sutra!
Clay: AHAHA that’s so lame and adorable.

Abigail: Young, party for two?
Clay: How come the reservation was in your name?
Abigail: Multiple choice, I guess. A) I’m way more significant than Sid was, B) Sid had no money, C) Going out was my idea, and, perhaps most importantly, D) Women are people these days.
Clay: Yeah, that last one gets in my way constantly.

Amar: I’ve been waiting for an hour now. Where’s my souffle?
Berjes: No shirt, no significance, no souffle.

Bill: Hey hey! All the other restaurants called. They want their all the employees back.

Clay: Hey hey, I’m digging the pony tail!! Here’s my number, call if you want it pulled.
Abigail: If you call him, I might have to disintegrate you.
Caryl Andrews: No danger of that.

Abigail: Is it so wrong that I find the stalker warlock hot?
Bill: It might be.
Clay: It definitely is.

Rodney: Is it so wrong that I’m having pornographic thoughts about this college chick?
Clay: As long as it’s a snuff porno and you’re the star, go right ahead.

Bill: I don’t think my finger pistols are loaded.

Much like the trash compactor.

Abigail: I’ll have a song.
Nikki: Rock, pop, or hip-hop?
Abigail: Rock. And can I get it with explicit lyrics?
Nikki: I’ll need to see some I.D.

What? She played along with your terrible joke, didn’t she?

Abigail: Yes. So now I hate both of us.

Abigail: So yeah, I’m pretty famous. I saved the world a bit. You might have seen me on TV.
Clay: Not unless you were on all fours in a cheerleader outfit.

Bill: Can I come over and watch TV with you sometime? Your channels sound really educational.

Abigail: I really don’t appreciate all this objectification of women. Some of us are immortal, hyperintelligent mad scientists, you know.
Clay: That’s so hot! Can you say it through a gimp mask?

Nikki: What?
Rodney: YOU KNOW.

It’s art, you wouldn’t understand.

I sure as fuck don’t.

Clay: This isn’t working.
Abigail: That’s because you’re eating it like it’s shrimp ramen. And it’s not even shrimp. It’s lobster.
Clay: This foreign food is bullshit.

Abigail: Hi everyone, this is my son Clay. He’s only fourteen, so don’t let looks fool you! He’s just dumb for his age.

Rodney: I’d laugh, but seriously, look at my face. Nothing is funny when you look like this.

Clay: That garbage smells like garbage!
Abigail: Wow! Yes! Very good! Now, what does the cow say?

I’m guessing it says “clean your fucking restaurant up, oh my god.”

Oh my GOD.

Abigail: I’d like to summon a taxi for two, please.
Operator: All our taxis have infinite capacity.
Abigail: I don’t think I want that. It sounds improbable.

Bill: Can I hit on your date?
Clay: Only if you don’t value your life.

Bill: He said yes.

Nikki: I’m sorry sir, what was that? I couldn’t hear you over the sound of the most vile thing I’ve ever heard.
Shea: Can I call you right back, ma’am? I think an angel just propositioned me.

Mrs. Crumplebottom: In my day, propositioning an angel was a fire and brimstone offence.

Ha! I always thought you looked like a pillar of salt! Now I know why.

Coming soon: nightclubs at night. It’s a radical departure.

Lydia: Sure is concrete around here.

That explains why this update is sinking so fast.

Lydia: Holy shit, is that a main character?!

You want her autograph or something?

Lydia: No, I want to get out of here! People die when main characters show up.

Clay: At least I’ll die happy.
Abigail: Nah. If you’re happy, you’re probably safe. He likes to make you suffer first.

Clay: That dude’s hair is making me suffer a little.

Abigail: That’s nothing. I’m dancing with a dude who smells like Axe.
Clay: And I’m dancing with a woman who smells like her boyfriend’s ashes.
Abigail: Right? This is what I’m saying, you’ve got it too good right now.



Melanie: I did my part.

Daisy: But you were weak on the follow-through. Don’t worry, I’ll pick up the slack.
Melanie: Who are you again?

Daisy: Somebody with your husband’s phone number, for one thing.

William: Abigail! How could you?!
Abigail: Can you honestly look me in the eye and tell me the world doesn’t need a genetically-engineered hippopotamus that eats nuclear waste and defecates potable water?
William: That’s not what I… I… never mind, tell me more?

You don’t look too guilty.

Abigail: Considering that I didn’t cheat on him, since we’re not in a relationship, no. Not really.

Yeah, but… the game thinks you did.

Abigail: So?


William: Heyyyyyy! Wait a minute! She isn’t my girlfriend!

I’m glad you came to terms with that. Like ten years later.

William: No, but why isn’t she my girlfriend?

Because you cheated on her with your current wife’s mother.

William: No wonder I forgot that, I’m incapable of remembering the stupid shit I do.

That would explain a lot.

William: A lot, but not everything.

William: Oh, never mind. I forgot how badass awesome she is.

She did murder your parents.

William: Nobody gets along with their in-laws.

WEDNESDAY: Oh, Subject: William! You are a fascinating subject.

That’s subjective.

Melanie: I seem to have misplaced some of my awesome.

Maybe it’s with the rest of your awesome.

Abigail: Zombie Queen my ass.

William: That fat chick is so sexy I could barf.

It’s your originality I like best.

Joe: Hey baby, I’m a doctor.
Lora: A doctor of love? Tee hee!
Joe: No, a doctor of plastic surgery. I was wondering if you wanted a new face. And anyway, I was talking to your baby, bitch.

Clay: This isn’t working anymore.
Abigail: I think it’s going to end soon.
Clay: That’s not good enough.

Abigail: Welcome to Pine Valley.

You’re in Centreborough.

Abigail: Welcome to Infuriating Obtuseness.

Pfft. I’ve been here forever.

With that face, you probably think animal crackers are hot.

Clay: We going back to your place already?
Abigail: Nope.
Clay: Where, then?
Abigail: The best possible place.

Abigail: Out of this chapter.

I was in a rush, okay?

Next time: the other half of this.


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