The Pine Valley Chronicles, Chapter Ninety-Six

Welcome to the Pine Valley Chronicles, an ongoing neighbourhood story in The Sims 2!
Warning: this journal may contain uncensored nudity, violence, profanity and sexual themes.

Updates on Friday every week!

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The stunning conclusion to the Prostitute Saga. I plan on producing a deeply inferior prequel trilogy at some point in the far-flung future.

Last time in the Pine Valley Chronicles…

Just read last week’s update, I’m not your secretary.

Clay: Do the Tail Gunner!
Lainey: Do the Top Gunner!

Kendra: Do the Scientist!
Alvin: Do him hard!

Alvin: Do the Baby Poke!
Kendra: Do the Jail Time!
Alvin: Do the Hurried Apology!

Do the Tongue Tango.

Do the heartfart!

Alvin: Do a new joke!

Do go fuck yourself.

Kendra: Already beat him to it!

And beat him off, too!

Kendra: I’m a full-service prostitute.

Alvin: Do the Science!

We stopped that joke.

Alvin: What joke?

Kendra: What a joke.

Caryl: Tell me about it.

Bradley: I’m fistbumping a tiny man’s leg!

Clay: Do the Fridge Door!

Troy: Do the Hail the Zombie Queen!

Do the Remember Troy’s Name is Not Gerald!

Alvin: Do the OOMPH

Carolina: Call the White Coats.

Alvin: And tell them to hurr-


Melanie: Shouldn’t you call an ambulance?
Kendra: Only if I want him to live.

Sure, go for it. Neither of you are ever getting a real relationship anyway.

Kendra: That’s not a great place to stand, Melanie.
Melanie: It’s very nostalgic, actually.

Amar: Hey! Are you hogging my piss?!

Amar: Oh my gosh, are they serving it now?

Amar: I’ll supply you with more if you give me a cut.

Carolina and Lainey: HI KENDRA!

Amar: Great fakeout, nicely done.


Kendra: Alright, I’m just gonna pour you all some drinks then. You might not be satisfied, but at least you’ll be drunk.

Carolina: She makes a great Random Numbing Generator.

Alvin: What does the smelly want?
Emmy: Some people just want to smell the world smelling smelly.

Carolina: I just want world peace!

Kendra: I’m starting to think that shit is bodily fluids instead of paint.

I wish this game had caving-in floors.

Lainey: I wish Bradley would… put his… put my… put me on the floor and… play a game… in my cave.

You tried really hard with that, so credit where credit is due.

/bragging shot

/oldie shot

Enh, I lied.

Troy: Weren’t you just here?
Jessie: I was, but then the game crashed.


Kendra: Welp, back as the saddle again.

Kendra: Now if only these were hollywood cowboys, instead of dirty smelly ugly real ones…

Jessie: Undeserved attention! Woot woot!

Kendra: I like this inaccurate flattery door.

Troy: Welp, another day, another dance, another dollar.

Except now Kendra’s getting all your money.

Troy: That’s okay, all I could spend it on was alcohol anyway.

Anthony: Are you sure? Because I think there’s one more thing in here worth paying for.

Gina: Hey fat hobo! I recognize you!

Kendra: All I want is a little recognition.

Melissa: It’s fine guys, I’m fucking paid by the hour anyway.

ElectroDanceSphere: you’re doing it wrong.

Chloe: And they even go to university!
Gina: What’s that?!
Chloe: It’s where you have sex and destroy the world.


FRIDAY: Stop struggling, ElectroDanceSphere! We must become one to evolve!

Larry: Brains?

Larry: Probably not.

Good call.

Anthony: Pour me one, darlin’.
Kendra: How tall?
Anthony: Big as m’dick.
Kendra: Oh, so you’re driving then?

Nancy: I love you, Aquaman.
Ocean: I love mistaken identity hugs.

I love any hugs.

… 🙁


Jessie: Hey baby, I was well-hung before I got old. Wanna fuck?


Jessie: They call me the One-Inched Bandit.

Anthony: Zaphod Beeblebrox impression.

Anthony: I do it all for the space bitches.

I’d grow a second head to date Zoeey Deschanel too.

Kendra: What’s your poison?
Joshua Pai: Got any… real… poison…?

Anthony: Pretty woman, the kind I like to meet!

Anthony: Don’t walk away… hey…

Joshua: I don’t even like this place, I just came in to get out of the rain.



Opal: I have to go write it down before I forget.

It’ll make a million!

Kendra: You wouldn’t happen to have a ranch in Texas, would you?
Anthony: I’ve got a trailer in Pine Valley, but I share it with three other people.
Kendra: It’s still better than scorched earth beside a power plant.

Kendra: So hey, you up for it?
Anthony: What’s your price?
Kendra: Date rewards, and the game doesn’t even take those out of your funds!
Anthony: Deal!
Ian Hourvitz: My finger’s clipping through this glass.
Anthony: Stop showing off, she’s taken.

Anthony: And so am I.

Kendra: Well, if I’m already taken, then I guess you can’t take me, right?
Anthony: We can make a semantic exception in this case, I think.

Anthony: How do you solve this Rubix Square, anyway? I’ve always wondered.

Jessie: I hope they don’t use up all the lube, my eighty-year-old dick’s coarse like an oak tree these days.

Kendra: So, you’re not all grey and droopy and weak under there, are you?

Kendra: Because if you’re gonna cradle rob, you have to be prepared to baby me.

Anthony: I have an enlarged prostate, honey.
Kendra: You should get that checked out.
Anthony: Then I guess it doesn’t mean what I think it means.

Anthony: Hahahaha cancer.

Anthony: So, how far along are ya?


Anthony: Quick! Do something interesting! The camera is drifting, I think he’s asleep!

Anthony: Um, your stomach’s kinda-
Kendra: So hold your breath.

Kendra: Hey, is it true what they say about cowboys and quick-draw?

Anthony: Maybe.

Kendra: Exactly where were you keeping that?

Anthony: In the 1950s.

Jessie: When your smell is so strong I feel like it’s a new person I’ve just met, then maybe just maybe you should go take a fucking shower.

Gina: Gavels!
Bill Tan: As a metaphor for what?
Gina: Nothing, I just wanna talk about gavels.

Sometimes a gavel is just a gavel.

Oh god, oh god, please ascend to a higher plane of existence.

Even V’Ger was more interesting than you.

Ian: I dunno, I watch this show every night and the subtle differences are very clever.

You’re joking.

Ian: I have to do something while the Yule Log is off the air!

I thought it might be fun to see how the other half lives.

But now I feel like they don’t.

Anthony: What’s with the hoverhands?
Kendra: I’m afraid the sex might kill you, and I don’t want fistfuls of evacuated bowel.

Nancy: Turn around, this is the best part!
Ian: Nah, it’s a repeat. I’ve already seen it.

See also.

I’m glad your hair and his hat are preventing us from seeing how your lips flail about, clip through each other, and generally fail to give the impression of kissing.

Kendra: Why do you think we close our eyes?

Anthony: I though it was because we were so boring and ugly.
Kendra: That too.

Anthony: The mirror just doesn’t match what I am inside.

Yeah, what it shows looks like a person.

Ian: So, how long before I get superpowers?

Chloe: So, how long before I fucking die?!

Kendra: So, how many more chapters of this shit do you expect people to put up with?

Just this one.

Kendra: I’m going to cling to that promise.

I guess it’s hard to coordinate outfits when you don’t exist.

Anthony: It’s more that we live together, and he’s wearing my clothes.

What, you had two sets of the exact same outfit?

Anthony: Uh… no, we’re both just wearing the one.

Fucking game.

Empty table is the new interesting thing!

Nancy: Empty table is so empty tonight!

Troy: It’s not as cool as empty dance floor.

Jessie: Where’s mine?
Kendra: If you can share clothes, you can share drinks too.


Joshua: She’s coming! Look alive, guys!
Jessie: Until we get default eye replacements, that’s a lost cause.

Joshua: Couldn’t stay away, could you?
Kendra: It’s more that my sinuses are plugged, so I’m taking advantage of it while I can.

Kendra: Fuck no. Not happening.

Joshua: I’ll just go wet hump my bed, then.
Kendra: You mean dry hump, don’t you?
Joshua: I don’t wash my sheets often.



Troy: NOPE

Bill: Nope.

Kendra: It’s just as well, I think I smell of Maxis already.

Cerberus impression!

Kendra: I’m guessing you used to look punkier than this.
Jessie: I’m guesing you weren’t always so fat.
Kendra: I’m guessing you haven’t got long to live.

May all your guesses be right.

Jessie: Why, of course I’d like to fuck you!
Anthony: I had her a few hours ago.
Jessie: That’s okay, I don’t think it counts as sloppy seconds when you might be clones.

Kendra: I hope you are, so I don’t have to have the same boring conversation twice.

Joshua: Hey hey, which episode is this?
Gina: The One With Oh My God You Stink.

Jessie: Haha, he forgot to crop this one!

Shit! No! I meant to not crop it, so I’d have something to say about it, but I forgot!

Jessie: Oh. Well. WELL DONE, I guess.

Kendra: Let’s see if we can put the Maker to sleep again.

So he can join the readers.

Let’s sleep together!

Headshots first, though.

Jessie: I’d like to sleep together with her!

That… made perfect sense.

Jessie: Well of course it did, why wouldn’t it?

Bill: So it’s snowing outside.

Fool me three times, FUCK YOU TOO.

Kendra: Don’t say that around my baby!

Like THAT baby is never gonna hear the word “fuck.”

Kendra: Well yeah, but I want him to understand it as an industry term.

Jessie: Aww, family businesses are just so wholesome.

Nancy: ‘sup ghostface.

FRIDAY: Man, that last jolt activated my astronomy software!

FRIDAY: And apparently deformed my titanium casing?

Jessie: If we make this a date, do I still have to pay?
Kendra: Are you trying to take food from my baby’s mouth?

Jessie: YOU DON’T HAVE A BABY. YOU HAVE A GROWTH. Call me back when it can speak.

Tickling: the proper conclusion to all abortion debates.

I’ve seen a lot of people on the side of the road with signs, and let me tell you, they all need a good tickling.

And also a life, but that might be too much to ask for.

Kendra: Is that face paint licorice-flavoured? Because I might have to lick it off.

Licking! It always turns people on. Because they’re disgusting.

That’s not for sitting. That’s for door-blocking.

Jessie: I’m old. Everything’s for sitting. Or yelling at.


So eat a dick!

Man you’re a slow eater.

Penny: Do the timid jar unscrewer!
Anthony: Do the awkward lid closer!

Jeez, calm down would you? People are gonna start thinking you’re a slut or something.

Christ, is that even possible on a community lot?!

Christ, is that even possible on a community lot?!

Kendra: I pregnant think I’m being pregnant followed.

FRIDAY: Of course you are, you’re pregnant hot.

This is a campground in Centreborough. I forget what it’s called.

Or why I made it.

Or why I put it downtown.

Or why we’re visiting it.

Oh, right.

We’re a hobo.

I almost forgot.

But we’re in good company.

Hi Jack! Hahaha, “hijack!” That’s funny, because later.

Jack: Could you perhaps explain what you mean by that?

No! I don’t negotiate with terrorists.

It’s just like a camping trip, only instead of coming home at the end, you die of exposure.

Actually, most of my Scout camps ended that way.

Ricky: LURF

What’s lurf got to do with it?

Jack: Hey baby, bring them hotdogs on over here!
Kendra: I don’t think so, you might blow them up.

Amin: Hmm. Babies or hotdogs, babies or hotdogs… well, gross as they are, at least hotdogs have passed a health inspection.

Jack: I’d like a peace of that, if you know what I mean!

Amin: I do know what you mean, but I don’t know why you had to spell it that way.

Ricky: Mind if I sit down? My hot dogs are barkin’!

Jack: Man, that was great! What were those crunchy bits?


Amin: I think I would find you attractive, if that had not been dummied out of the game.

Amin: What are you doing?
Chelsea: Trying to picture us together.
Amin: In a frame?
Chelsea: I’m a giant whore. For me, marriage is nothing more than a reason for creating wedding pictures.

Ricky: So what’s it like being a homewrecker?
Sinjin: And what’s it like having a home?

Sinjin: And also can I come home with you?

Kendra: Not even for a mugging, buddy.

Kelly Chun: Hi, I’m the District Attorney for Clover County! I just wanted to introduce myself, since we’ll be meeting at your inevitable trial.

Amin: Maybe you should get a job with Kendra, it sounds like it’s right up your alley.

Chelsea: I take far too much joy in my work to do it professionally.

Kendra: I don’t know why I keep forgetting to avoid these people.

I’m trying to make fun of this dude’s face, but I’m really worried about what’s happening to the sun.

Victor: Yeah, if the station gets a call about a beached orca, I’ll know what it’s about!

The first half of this joke was in the last chapter.

Victor: That’s okay, nobody cares anyway.


Kendra: The shadow of an invisible colossal sky-bed, coming right at me!

Venkat: She can see invisible colossal sky-beds!
Amin: That’s so hot!
Venkat: It makes me want to fuck her!

Venkat: We’re here all week.

You’ve ALREADY been there all week.

Who squats the squatters?

This is the kind of thing Willie Nelson doesn’t sing about.

Willie Nelson?!

Anthony: I thought I was J.R. Ewing.

Yeah, but Willie Nelson is alive.

I think?

I don’t feel like checking.

Kendra: Was Willie Nelson here? All my cans are full of doobie butts.



Except for prostitution.

Victor: Oh, so I suppose if you disapprove of Wal-Mart you have to stop shopping there or something? As if.

Kendra: Hey Andrew! Wanna come over and pay me for sex again? Since this is all your fault anyway.

What’re you doing?

Victor: I’m preparing to be indignant when the next john shows up. It takes a lot of mental reorganization.

Andrew: Hey baby! You ready to get down and dirty? In ways that do not involve that toilet, please?

Kendra: Just let me flush this Amar turd first.

Andrew: So that’s what old man mouth tastes like!

Andrew: It tastes like Werther’s Original. So keep it coming.

Andrew: The hint of despair is a nice touch, too.

Andrew: I hope your baby likes pony rides!


Yes, thank you for that clarification, me.

The proposed alternate cover for Animals was instantly rejected.

Because they dropped the sixth track, “Pigs on the Pull.”

Venkat: Gonna bag me a sciematist!



Got a television in there, too?


Venkat: Her frustration is gonna be so hot.

Thankfully the hock shop figures a stand-up shower is worth a video game console with grass stains.

Kendra: You need to come by more often.
Andrew: Sure, I’ll bring the wife and kids. That won’t be awkward.

Kendra: I need the cash, asshole. Money grows on trees, but not very much of it.

I don’t know what you’re complaining about, in Ethiopia you’d be a queen or something.

Especially if there’s some lost Doctor Who tapes buried under there.

There might be.

This would be a great spot for a flower garden.

Ugh, shit, I hope this doesn’t give the hippies any ideas.

Roger: It’s giving me some ideas, and now I need my own shower to get rid of them.

Did you just put your phone number on that bill?

Roger: Tampering with the mail is a federal offense, but it’s hard to meet chicks when you only exist on Thursdays.

Roger: Yes?


Kendra: Maybe I’m looking at it wrong.

Emmy Wade: Did you dump the contents of your mailbox on the ground so the Bills Fairy can pay off all your debt?

Kendra: No, I did it so I could stuff some nosy bitches inside.

Next time: no more prostitutes! And also some hilarious death.

If it’s not one awesome thing, it’s another.

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