Welcome to the Pine Valley Chronicles, an ongoing neighbourhood story in The Sims 2!
Warning: this journal may contain uncensored nudity, violence, profanity and sexual themes.
Updates on Friday every week!
Porn host’s down again at the moment. So if you see broken images, come back later. I’m posting it anyway, because why not.
Last time in the Pine Valley Chronicles…
Yeah, newspaper’s back again. Don’t get used to it, it’s a pain in the ass.
Joe: Happy Thanksgiving!
Kendra: Gobble gobble!
Victor: So, come here often?
Gina: Only when I think you’re not here.
Joe: Oh god, oh god, I think I’m gonna –
Joe: – suddenly get dressed.
Kendra: Thanks for the warning!
Joe: Mmm… ack! Phlbt! THAT’S DISGUSTING!
Kendra: I forgot your dick had been in my mouth! I’m sorry!
Joe: HOW DO YOU FORGET SOMETHING LIKE THAT
Kendra: YOU DON’T KNOW HOW MY DAY HAS BEEN SO FAR OKAY
Joe: You’re the best knobgobbler I’ve ever met, Kendra.
Kendra: If you need it done right, you need it done professionally.
Kiera: I don’t like this pic, it makes us look like we’re in love or something.
Gerard: Maybe a different angle would be better?
Melissa: Hahaha he’s making fun of you.
Uugh, this angle is even worse.
Ugly and me was like peas and NOTHING.
Victor: Oh god, is this a shakedown?! I’ll get you your money, J.R., I promise!
J.R.: There’s no rush, sonny, on account of I’m dead.
Kendra: This is the lamest bar in the world.
Okay, so the bartender is dancing and the DJ’s in a tracksuit.
Okay, so your only customer is a pregnant woman.
Okay, so, you’re right.
Joe: I haven’t put in an order yet.
Kendra: You look like a Shirley Temple kind of guy.
Jack: Shirley Temple makes me hot.
Nerissa: But what if your baby’s a ghost?!
Chelsea: That’s retarded.
Nerissa: But what if it is?!
Kendra: You look like a discerning sort. Wanna have a chat?
Jack: I sure do!
Jack: And then he was like “Can you heat my soup up?” And it was gaspacho! I mean what a pleb!
Kendra: I can see I’m going to have to work extra hard with this one.
Kendra: Keep your pregnant ass out of my pregnant action, okay?
Jack: Oh, I never talk to black people. They’re the only ones who can tell how white I am.
Victor: Help! Help! J.R. broke my jaw!
J.R. That’s what you get for crossing the Ewings, boy WAIT A MINUTE MY NAME IS ANTHONY
Kiera: And your name must be Sexy.
Him? More like Gross.
Gerard: Or Grugly.
And the “Gru” stands for “grumpy,” not “gross.”
So now you know.
Kendra: So yeah, you’re cute enough to take money from.
Jack: All my girl friends say that!
Kendra: But can all your girl friends phase through counters?
Jack: I should hope not.
Anthony: Boy howdy, that chick can phase through counters! Just like all my girl friends.
Jack: Could you move your pregnant tits? They’re in the way of your pregnant tits not being in my way.
Kendra: Or, you could pay for the pleasure of showing my pregnant tits a good time.
Jack: Will your unborn baby be chaperoning, or can you induce labour first?
Kendra: We can consume a lot of beer and try to give it Fetal Alcohol Syndrome.
Kendra: But first let’s go screw outside.
Jack: Yeah! Screw outside! It’s a jerk!
Emmy Wade: It’s about to not be the only jerk! Outside?
Joe: Go on!
Emmy: She’s gonna… jerk him. Off?
Joe: Haha! Yeah!
Joe: Haha yeah that’s terrible.
Victor: I SHOULD ARREST YOU BOTH.
Joe: Hey! What did I do? It was her crap joke!
Victor: You allowed her to try.
Jack: This chick allows you to try way better stuff!
Kendra: Do me, or do me not. There is no try me.
Victor: THEY’RE DOING IT NOW, TOO?!
Chelsea: You look like a big strong man. Wanna get up to your elbows in my pipes?
Victor: WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE
Mrs. Crumplebottom: Everything.
Kendra: So then one of the Police Chiefs got mad at me for being a prostitute when he thought we were dating! Isn’t that rich?!
Jack: IF YOU’LL EXCUSE ME I NEED TO GO MAKE SURE MY PLATES AREN’T EXPIRED
Jack: But we still have time for kissy-poos.
Jack: Man, the girl I was pretending you were this whole time is SO HOT!
Chelsea: It’s a gift.
Okay. So my random number generator has a pregnancy fetish.
Still not the weirdest thing that’s ever happened here.
Good thing he’s a doctor.
A doctor of love.
Joe: And pain!
Scot Macerevich the Infallibly Good Warlock: Dial “D” for “Dipshit!”
Victor: Dial “Cheating” for “I’m gonna kill you all with my service rifle.”
Mrs. Crumplebottom: In my day, we didn’t dial unless we were married.
Kendra: I think you’ve got your conversation threads mixed up again, Mrs. C.
Mrs. Crumplebottom: And we didn’t get pregnant until the phone company invented it.
Tish: Oh my god! My fairy finally came!
Now Mido might stop making fun of you!
Tish: HE’D FUCKING BETTER.
Kendra: Hey Jack! What’ll it be?
Jack: Got any STD tests hidden under there?
Jack: FOR MY FRIENDS OF COURSE
Joe: Yeah, people are always coming by the clinic for their friends. It’s weird. Don’t make friends and you won’t get herpes, that’s what I figure.
Victor: You’re still hot but it’s no longer okay.
Kendra: Yeah, hotness stinks.
So do amateur athletes, apparently.
Nerissa: I’M DOING THIS ON PURPOSE.
Trevor: Maybe if I… like… climb into it… BACKWARDS UPSIDE-DOWN?!?!
Daisy: Attagirl! Repopulate the species! Somebody’s gotta keep the targets coming!
Yeah, but unfortunately, everybody is.
And lots of different kinds of people are still hanging around who really shouldn’t be.
But yet, there is hope.
Victor: I’m gonna follow that chick and harass her.
Chelsea: You are a good cop, Victor.
Victor: Shut up, bitch. But thanks.
I think that’s the KSIM building with the helicopter on the roof.
Playing all the Barenaked Ladies you could ask for, 24-7!
Personally I prefer to just show you barenaked ladies.
WE DON’T SERVE YOUR KIND HERE.
Well, we do, but we only serve you very specific things.
And they’re not very good.
Kendra: Oh, Reconstruction.
Autumn: OH SHIT IS THIS WHAT YOU MEANT
Kendra: On the bright side, that pile of ashes brings my list of possessions up to five.
The Grim Reaper: DO YOU SERVICE MARRIED CLIENTS?
Kendra: That depends. Is your wife as scary as you are?
The Grim Reaper: I WAS ONLY ASKING FOR A FRIEND!
The Grim Reaper: SHIT, NOW BUNNY IS TEXTING ME. DID YOU SAY SOMETHING TO HER?!
Kendra: Holy shit, windfall! Those tombstones are worth like a hundred bucks!
When life gives you dead people, you sell them for drywall.
What? Not everything life gives you is lemonade-related.
It’s not OCD or anything.
Kendra: I can neither confirm nor deny, Mrs. Reaper.
Baby blanket! Hobo edition.
Autumn: Thanks for pretending I deserve this shot.
I didn’t want to, but unlike life, I probably am OCD.
Kendra: Look, Victor, prostitution isn’t illegal here. Because it’s not theoretically possible, that’s why!
Kendra:And it’s not like there’s anything better for me to do in this low-rent bank vault I’m living in.
Jack: What did you bring?
Joe: A shitty glass vase for the kitchen table she probably doesn’t have. You?
FRIDAY: Hello? Hello? Are you in there? I want to have sex with you.
Kendra: I’m busy!
FRIDAY: That’s what WEDNESDAY keeps saying, too!
Kendra: Well these glitches aren’t going to glitch themselves, FRIDAY!
FRIDAY: This one has extra storage space! I am in love.
Kendra: Well, it’s a tough choice, but I think I’ll have to go with the human of the correct gender here.
Kendra: But maybe I’ll eat one of the others.
Venkat: Look at you, all lit up like a fat neon flamingo!
Kendra: I’m a prostitute, you don’t have to sweet-talk me!
Victor: She’s driven me to a life of crime!
Stealing a delivered newspaper is only just barely criminal.
Victor: Yeah, and she’s poor too, plus I’m a cop, so it basically doesn’t even count.
Victor: I serve, therefore I am.
Kitty: A pig.
Kendra: So yeah, wanna fuck me? I’m pregnant, and I’ve got this whole square of nothing. All this tree is mine! I’ve even got a broom and a discarded water glass.
Venkat: Don’t lay all that charm on me at once! My heart can’t take it!
Kendra: Let’s blow in this pop joint.
Venkat: I think you mean “let’s blow this pop joint.”
Venkat: I stand fellated!
She’s got a pretty well-toned ass for a pregnant chick.
Venkat: Take a picture for me.
Kendra: SOUVENIRS COST EXTRA.
Kendra: SMILES TOO.
Venkat: I’m not paying extra for a smiley blowjob! I couldn’t even see your face! You could have been frowning for all I know!
Kendra: Nah, it was definitely a smile. Didn’t you feel that breeze whistling through my teeth? On your dick?
Venkat: WE NEED TO ABORT THIS CONVERSATION
Kendra: Not a great choice of words, Venkat…
Kendra: I can feel him recoiling in there, and it’s not a pleasant feeling.
Kendra: What are you looking for?
Amar: The red lights.
Kendra: Sorry, this district is a fixer-upper.
Kendra: My name is Kendra, and I’ll be your bitch this evening.
Amar: Don’t I get to choose?
Kendra: Sure! Your options are sex with me, or mugging by me.
Amar: Do I get a reacharound with the mugging?
Kendra: You don’t even get a reacharound with the sex, buddy.
Amar: You’ve got a lot of nerve leaving the tip glass out, with service this bad.
Kendra: Ask… On Date.
Kendra: Sorry, I forgot there was no console command for that.
Kendra: Wanna head back to my place, stud?
Amar: Can I do you doggy-style?
Kendra: As long as it’s standing doggy.
Screw off, Vendat! Standing doggy room only!
Kendra: Just because my house is only one meter square doesn’t mean you can just walk in.
Venkat: I want to dispute my bill.
Kendra: It’s too late now, you’re already fucked.
Venkat: FUCKED! I GET IT! THAT’S BRILLIANT!
Amar: This probably looked less ridiculous from that last angle.
You’re right, I should have cut that pic entirely.
Venkat: ENTIRELY! I GET IT! THAT’S not actually a joke, is it.
Venkat: I can’t always tell, because your jokes usually aren’t that funny.
Amar: I JUST HAD MY FIRST KISS! And also some gross other thing.
Victor: I SURE AM.
Venkat: You know, from some angles, you look pretty fuckable.
Venkat: Anything’s better than that pregnant whale, anyway.
Anthony: I MUST FELLATE THIS THING FOR SCIENCE
Jack: Nobody needs to see that!
Bradley: I DO.
DJ Trakpantz: OCTOGENAWESOME IN DA HIZZOUSE!
Jack: Hahaha nerds can’t dance!
Chloe: Wow! You could write for “The Big Bang Theory!”
Anthony: I’m formulating a big bang theory of my own.
Kendra: Better test it while I’m still big!
Kendra: IN MY NEW UNDERGROUND SEX PARLOUR
Kendra: Don’t you read the papers? Don’t you WRITE the papers?
I thought you were kidding!
Kendra: No you didn’t. You did all of this yourself.
STOP LIMITING MY NARRATIVE POSSIBILITIES.
Kendra: You did that t-
Kendra: Cut it-
Kendra: FUCKING HELL.
Close enough, anyway.
Bradley: Young people are so lame!
Cameron: We get it honestly.
Gretchen: Either that woman has got funk or her baby is a puppet master.
Cameron: THEY CAN’T ACTUALLY DO THAT CAN THEY
Anthony: I’m gonna drink poison, it’s safer than dancing.
Kendra: You could try being interesting, that’s the safest of all!
Anthony: Don’t tease, you know I don’t have it in me.
Amar: And you know what she doesn’t have in her? Yet?
Amar: Dude, thanks. Like, nothing is gonna sound funny after that.
Be honest with yourself, Amar. You weren’t going to be funny anyway.
God, I hate Roma Witnesses.
Bradley: I can’t tell if this one is gonna turn out as ugly as your first two!
Cameron: Well of course it is! It’s got your genetics after all, dad.
Bradley: Oh my god! Look at those people! Those people look so goddamn stupid!
Chloe: At least they don’t look like they just came from the Shootout at the Fantasy Island Corral.
Bradley: …oh, okay. I get that now.
Jack: Hi! I’m Jack!
Deborah: More like Jack off! Ba-dum-pssh!
Jack: All my pregnant ladies!
Cameron: There’s a hand coming out of your crotch.
Jack: Well that’s no good, it should be going in!
Cameron: I like a man who knows what he wants and isn’t afraid to be vulgar about it.
Kendra: Wanna fuck in my fuckin’ place, Let That Be Your Last Football Game?
Jack: That episode was terrible.
Kendra: We could roleplay!
Amar: What as?
Kendra: I could beat up Anthony and take his hat, and you could be a cowboy!
Amar: And what would you be?
Kendra: A pregnant woman who beats up old men, of course!
Amar: I approve of this plan!
Anthony: I have reservations.
Gretchen: Well too bad, I’m sitting here anyway.
Amar: I didn’t know this place had a prostitute hole.
You can smoke them out if you blow a bunch of money in.
Amar: Where’s the red light?
Kendra: Don’t have one. They just assume I’m always fucking.
Kendra: -vampire face-
Amar: These lights sure add a certain drama to the proceedings.
Kendra: They give me something to look at besides my hook-nosed inbred clients, too.
Kendra: And if all else fails I can always look at myself, since I’m so awesome and all.
Bradley: Pounding. I would definitely go with pounding.
Anthony: I’m more into slapping.
Noelle: You can’t go wrong with a good massaging.
Cameron: Are you guys talking about sex?
Jack: No, we’re talking about pizza dough.
Cameron: HAHA JACK YOU’RE SO FUNNY
Noelle: It wasn’t a joke. We were swapping recipes.
Cameron: HAHA JACK I LOVE YOU
Kendra: If you want to look at my ass, just ask. I think we’re beyond the sneaking glances point now, Amar.
Amar: Do you take payment in toy robots? Because all I have on me is a toy robot.
Amar: WHICH IS BETTER THAN YOU DESERVE, SLUT
Kendra: …that was sudden.
Amar: I just wanted to make it clear that we have a strictly business relationship.
Amar: Now, let’s make another transaction.
Kendra: I’m sitting down.
Amar: I’ll make it easy for you, then.
Kendra: So considerate!
Amar: That’s me!
Kendra: I like tiny dicks, they fit in my mouth better.
Amar: That’s mean.
Amar: You filthy rotten bitch.
Kendra: If you want to talk dirty, there’s an additional charge.
Amar: Burn in hell, you immoral whore!
And burn his clothes when you get there.
Anthony: Don’t I know you from somewhere?
“Cecilia”: No, you… well yes, because I’m totally Cecilia Phelps, everybody knows me.
Anthony: No, that’s not it. Didn’t you used to date… some old guy…?
“Cecilia”: This is the shittiest pickup line ever, Mr. Rodriguez.
Jack: It really is.
Shake it like a pornographic picture!
Once again, words fail me.
Troy: Do the Assfuck!
Amar: I don’t want a Sexually Transmitted Dance, thanks.
Troy: Do the Sassy Blowjob!
Amar: Are you working through some issues here, Troy?
Cameron: So yeah, then we moved into his parents’ old house.
Jack: That’s so sweet!
Cameron: Well, I knew it meant a lot to him.
Jack: No, I mean, it’s so sweet that you guys get to live in a house!
“Cecilia”: I’m glad that sense and logic have imploded while I’ve been away.
Yeah, me too.
Alvin: Is that a tinfoil hat?
Noelle: No, it’s a terrible hat.
Alvin: How pithy.
Anthony: I can’t believe he’s letting us have most of this update.
It will make your inevitable deaths more meaningful.
Anthony: But not by much.
I’ll take what I can get.
Anthony: Me too.
I think when you drink someone’s soul, you’re not allowed to stay mad at them.
Jack: You know that fat bartender?
Jack: I think she might be slightly immoral.
Noelle: Nonsense, they wouldn’t let her use the basement if she was immoral.
Enter freely, and of your own free will.
And please, leave some of the funk that you bring.
Amar: Can I get an ice water? HARLOT?
Amar: And she even spat in it! For FREE!
Jack: FOR FREE?!?!?!
Jack: HELP OUR FINGER-GUNS ARE BEING REMOTE-CONTROLLED
Jack: EVERYTHING IS FRIGHTENING OR WEIRD OR SOMETHING
Alvin: You think that was a good date? The last one I was on got me a free house, a pregnant girlfriend, and a smelly Latin stereotype!
Anthony: I’d like a Sex on the Beach.
Kendra: Might I suggest Sex in the Basement instead?
Anthony: Good idea, it’s raining outside anyway.
Kendra: Just so we’re clear, if you hit the baby, you need to pull out.
Anthony: Do you know who I am? I’m kind of a big deal. I’m Anthony Rodriguez!
Anthony: The only man to ever win a date with Ember Fox!
Kendra: Should I tell him?
It seems so cruel.
Anthony: Actually I’m making a habit of banging Bradley’s wives. I hope he gets some new ones in soon.
Kendra: I don’t want to go to all that trouble just to turn a trick, sorry.
Anthony: Well anyway, I’m excited. You’ve got a plusplus rating on sluts.sn!
Kendra: Amar must have upvoted me!
Kendra: The weird thing is, he had these marks on his neck like someone poked him with a knitting needle.
Amar: You did WHAT while I was sleeping?!
Amar: i want my mommy
Melissa: I lold
Melanie: I rofld
DJ Trakpantz: I’m too cool for leetspeak.
Troy: I’m too cool for all of you.
Chloe: I’M UPSIDE-DOWN
Amar: I’m leaving.
Anthony: I’m bendy!
Kendra: I’m in the counter again!
I’m done with this joke.
Anthony: Your skin is such a weird colour! Is it makeup?
Oh, old people.
Amar: Hey sexy lady! Can I buy you a drink?
Melanie: You can if you want to commit Death by Secret Agent.
Oh, I see. Anthony can see the future.
Gina Landchild the Atrociously Evil Witch: And the future is green!
Ugh, shut up. All this “green” shit is just a marketing ploy.
Gina Landchild the Atrociously Evil Witch: No, I mean… because, my skin is green.
Oh, what, now they’ve got a mascot even?!
Count Alon: Do they need another one?
Chloe: Holy shit, I’m not fat anymore!
Yeah, now there’s nothing distinctive about you. Congratulations.
Bradley: These bricks sure sniff up good!
Anthony: Can I fuck you from behind?
Melissa: Here’s your lube!
It’s easier than figuring out what’s actually going on.
Anthony: I’m gonna go bleed on the toilet!
Alvin: Fancy meeting you here!
Kendra: I work here.
Alvin: Oh? I thought that was me. So what am I doing here?
Alvin: Right, right, adultery, right. I forgot.
Alvin: If I give you ten bucks, will you sit on that guy’s face?
Kendra: No, I don’t do gift cards.
Yeah? Okay, whatever.
Kendra: My last client had a tiny dick! I had to get the magnifying glass out just to blow him!
Kendra: And also he peed himself.
Kendra: Those… were two separate incidents.
Kendra: I’m good at foreplay!
Alvin: How funny would it be if I peed myself right now?
Kendra: Exactly as funny as me biting your dick off.
Alvin: So, pretty funny then.
Next time: hopefully we don’t find out.
But there are always… possibilities.