The Pine Valley Chronicles, Chapter Ninety-Four

Welcome to the Pine Valley Chronicles, an ongoing neighbourhood story in The Sims 2!
Warning: this journal may contain uncensored nudity, violence, profanity and sexual themes.

Updates on Friday every week, and sometimes on Tuesday!

Click Here for Previous Entries!

This week: big self-pimpin!

Who wants three updates worth of prostitution? Because that’s what you’re getting, whether you want it or not.

Kendra: Hah. We’re calling this a household, now, are we?

Kendra: That requires a little suspension of disbelief, don’t you think?

I’m sure you’ll build a lovely place here.

Or starve to death.

One or the other.

Kendra: Well, if we’re gonna do this shit, we’re gonna do it right.

Aw, now all the prostitute jokes aren’t gonna be jokes anymore!

Kendra: That’s better! I might be about to sell my body on the streets, but at least I’ll enjoy it now.

Kendra: And I’d better get going, because unless I get some money soon I’ll have to keep buying shit with my happiness.

Kendra: And I haven’t got a lot of of that.

There’s gotta be somewhere in this big shitty city where you can sell pregnant sex to ugly people.

Kendra: What’s this place?
Veronica Wilsonoff: An abandoned mechanic’s shop that hoboes use as a urinal.

Sounds sexy to me!

Kendra: Yeah. This place is charming.

Kendra: How’d they get a car in here without a garage door?

Buy Mode!


Veronica: I think this car might have eaten someone.

Veronica: Someone with terrible taste in shoes.

Kendra: Get out of my hobo toilet! I’m a real hobo, but you aren’t!

Lora: Somebody told me this was the place to go for pregnant sex.

It’s true, but misleading.

Uh-oh! It’s the popo!

Victor: This isn’t a bust. I’m here as a customer.

And that’s why he’s the police chief!

Victor: Co-chief.

Bless you!

Victor: Hey hey! They were right! This is the place for pregnant sex!

Oh, come on.

Victor: So, do you guys line up and I pick one? Do you sort by hair colour, skin colour, or term length?

Kendra: No. We go around back, and you fuck me silly.
Victor: Your businesslike attitude is so hot.

Victor: But I like to talk to my prostitutes first.
Kendra: About what?
Victor: About how my stupid wife is ruining my stupid life.
Kendra: Isn’t she the police chief?
Victor: Co-chief!
Kendra: Gesundheit!

Lora: Come ON, car! Learn how to play peek-a-boo already!

Kendra: So, am I gonna have trouble with the cops if I set up shop here?
Victor: You might have trouble scheduling appointments with them. There’s no other prostitutes in town, and they’re all pretty excited.

Heath Thorne: Cool, I’ll take the blonde bowlcut. Put that lampshade on, pull down your pants, and we’ll get to work.

This is no place for a primary school teacher!

Carolina: I’m thinking about planning a field trip here.

To a sex shed?!

Carolina: That’ll teach the board to screw us over in collective bargaining!

Kendra: I’m trying to build a better life for my kid.
Victor: Why? He’ll probably die before he hits adulthood anyway.

Lora: He will not!
Nancy: Go outside and ask Vic, he’ll tell you.
Deborah: Is somebody here gonna lick my crotch?


Carolina: Hey, you’re that zombie chick! I’ve heard so much about you!
Melanie: All of it good, I hope!
Carolina: Well… it was mostly about you eating people’s brains.
Melanie: Yeah, that’s what I meant. The good stuff.

Victor: There sure are a lot of pregnant women here.
Kendra: I think half the neighbourhood is pregnant right now.
Victor: So that’s why my sister is insisting we start a SWAT team!

You know, a driveby shooting wouldn’t go amiss right now.

Kendra: So, you ready to go out back, whip out your policeman’s balls and excessive force your service revolver into my holster?
Victor: Maybe you should write that down. My metaphor limit is three per sentence.

Victor: But I think I caught the salient bits!

Victor: …did you hear a sort of plopping sound just now?

Lora: These are the thinnest concrete walls I’ve ever seen!

Victor: Oh god, oh god, it’s so sexy that those boots are watching us!

Deborah: Hahaha your husband!
Melanie: That’s what I’ve always thought!

Deborah: He had a really big fight!
Melanie: Not William!

Deborah: With his last fiance, because he cheated on her. But hey, congrats on getting married!

Kendra and Victor: What a bitch!

Deborah: Just for that, I’m gonna make you listen to my plopping.

Kendra: It’s been fun, Victor.
Victor: But deny that if the newspapers come knocking, okay?

Kendra: You look like the sort of guy who’d appreciate him some kinky sex.

Kendra: By which I mean you’re kinda gross.

Hey, glad you could make it! Because this lot was made for you.

Kendra: So, what brings you to Centreborough anyway?

Heath: Oh, I work here. I’m the CEO of a financial firm.

Alvin: Stunned silences are hot.

Lexi: I’m telling you, Mr. Cwik, I saw someone having sex back there!
Victor: Have you been drinking again, Lexi?

Bullshit! Nobody remembers Ian.

DO you?

That’s what I thought.

Mrs. Crumplebottom: Disgusting.

What, the hand-holding?

Mrs. Crumplebottom: No, black people.

Victor: You didn’t tell me you were black! If word of this gets out, I’ll never be able to lecture my guys on how they should do racial profiling again!

I’m not sure it’s such a hot idea to smack around the police chief.

Victor: CO-CHIEF!

Do you need a Kleenex?

Veronica: Going to go get that fryin’ pan? Gonna fry yourself up some grits?
Heath: Sure, something like that.

Kendra: Drg yrlg knrw hrdth mrk grlts? Brcrz rl lrlk grlts.

Don’t talk with your mouth full.

Heath: No, I don’t know how to make grits. Why don’t you? You’re black.
Kendra: That’s just because he clicked on a black skintone when he made me. It has absolutely no bearing on anything else.

Unlike in the real world, where it has absolutely no bearing on anything else.

And fuck you if you disagree.

Heath: I don’t wanna talk about racists.
Kendra: Neither do I. I just wanted some grits!

It might not be a good idea. If some white trash dude sees you walking down the street with food, he might decide you’re a punk and he should follow you home and shoot you.

Oh, by the way, America? Burn in hell.

Kendra: Oh! Hi! You… didn’t see that, did you?
Lexi: Your floppy pregnant sex, or that series of rants which have no place in a Sims journal?
Kendra: The latter, obviously. Who’s embarassed by floppy pregnant sex anymore?

You only know that one story, don’t you, Deborah?

What a shitty journalist you are.


Kendra: Hi, I’m-
Alvin: An alien! Obviously. I can tell, we Scientists know all about aliens!

I think you mean Scientologists.

Heath: I like this ugly hard-to-get prostitute better.

Complaining that a prostitute is cheating on you is like complaining that a politician is being insincere with you.

Alvin: Do you want to take a ride on the Love Boat with me, Kendra?

This isn’t setting off any warning bells for you, lady?

Mrs. Crumplebottom: It’s a legitimate show, I’ll wait and see where this goes.

Mrs. Crumplebottom: Or maybe I’ll just walk out into traffic.

Kendra: Can I help you, Victor?
Victor: That depends. Can you stop your own heart?

Carolina: Need a hand getting up?
Kendra: Nah, I’ll just flop my gut on the pavement and wait for the baby to kick.

Kendra: So, are you ready to accelerate your penis particles in my large genital collider?

Alvin: Keep talking like that and I can go all night, baby!
Victor: Not if I shoot you both.
Alvin: No, not if you shoot me both. But hey, how come you can see my alternate-dimensional twin? I thought he was red-shifted.

Kendra: I can do a decent Richard Dawkins impression, if you’re interested.
Alvin: Most women can, but yes. Yes, I am interested.

Man. Me too.

Kiera: Hey hey! Goin’ down Horizont Alley, eh? Gonna show her your wand?
Alvin: I haven’t read Twilight.

Nerissa: Can I follow you and look creepy?
Alvin: You can look creepy, that’s for sure.

Nerissa: Shit!

Step over it?

Nerissa: No, I mean, my pathing! It’s shit!

Mrs. Crumplebottom: A house of ill-repute!


Mrs. Crumplebottom: Strumpets of low moral character!



Alvin: Is somebody deflating a balloon?

Melanie: I had bean salad for lunch, fuck you very much.

Kendra: Man, we got to hear Zombie Queen Melanie Lillard fart!
Alvin: Science marches onward!

Melanie: So, how come we’re going back there when we know they’re having sex?
Carolina: Shame! I’m addicted to causing it, and my supply runs low during summer vacation.

Carolina: What a romantic place to have sex! These rotting boots really add to the ambience. If it gets dark, maybe you can light them on fire and use them as candles.
Alvin: Who’s talking?
Kendra: The one who isn’t Zombie Queen Melanie Lillard.
Alvin: Why even bother, then?


Melanie: You should teach sex ed here! You wouldn’t need diagrams or anything!
Carolina: I don’t know if I could expense the condoms, though.
Kendra: I prefer the strawberry-flavoured ones, if you can get them.

Melanie: You look too cute to be a townie.
Carolina: Why thank you!
Melanie: Back in my day we were bland as fuck and it drove us to genocide.
Carolina: Could you maybe give a talk to my class? I want to teach them about the dangers of fug.

They are omnipresent.

Kendra: It’s good to be hot.

And it’s good to see hot!

Alvin: And it’s good to hot fuck!

Heath: And I can’t walk through this wall!

Alvin: Thanks for the combo breaker, asshole.

Nancy: Thanks for the asshole, asshole!

Veronica: These boots look like ass.

Alvin: I can’t take any more of this.
Veronica: Now you’re breaking the combo! Asshole!

Veronica: MERGE WITH HER! That is your punishment.
Alvin: My punishment is terrifying!

Alvin: Don’t you ever violate the laws of mass on me again!

Veronica: Don’t blame your shitty collision detection on me!

Heath: Is it illegal to hit you back?

Alvin: The Science around here has gone way downhill. I’m out.

Kendra: Hey, come back! I meant to steal your wallet!


Kendra: Shank him, biker dude!
Alvin: Fuck da po-lice!
Melanie: I’m a wuss now.

Melanie: How did that happen?
Alvin: We don’t know, but you’re letting us all down.

It’s true.

Kiera: He’s greasy and unwashed! I love him!

I think you need to save up for a combination cathouse and amphitheatre.

Kendra: Man, I can’t even pay attention to this shit! Zombie Queen Melanie Lillard. At my shithole! Amazing.

Kendra: Woo! Yeah! Take all day, guys, it’s fine! Woo!

Heath: I fought the law, and the law lost!

Melanie: I approve of your dinner and theatre complex, although serving boots as food was somewhat unorthodox. I’ll be purchasing a season pass next time I visit.

Victor: Looks like somebody’s about to find out what license plates are for.
Veronica: You can borrow my car any time, Heath. You’re all right in my books.
Alvin: I’ll lend you my cloaking device so they can’t harass you.
Victor: Man, fuck community spirit!

Victor: Although it is kinda heartwarming.

Veronica: Cloaking device?! You’ve got one of the Deathly Hallows, and you’re not even using it?!
Alvin: Huh? I haven’t read Fifty Shades of Grey either!

Victor: I’m gonna beat the shit out of you while the camera can’t see you, Thorne.
Heath: I bet they don’t teach that at the police academy.
Victor: What? Are you kidding? Of course they do!

Alvin: See what you did? You let him get away with police brutality!
Veronica: What’s worse? Police brutality, or comparing Harry Potter to Twilight? I’ll give you a clue: IT’S NOT POLICE BRUTALITY.

Nerissa: This is getting stupid. You should go home.

Kendra: You’re probably right.

Oh, wow. You are broke.

Kendra: It’s a legitimate source of revenue!

Michael had you blacklisted from all the career paths?

Kendra: Michael had me blacklisted from all the career paths.

Kendra: But at least I’ve got this broom. It’s pretty sweet.

And at least you can electify your womb.

Nothing could go wrong with that.

Elle: Is this #1 Slut Street? Somebody bought you a newspaper subscription.

Judging by that address, it must have been Michael.

And it’s hard to fault him for it now.

Victor: You’re gonna die alone! That is sexy.

Kendra: Yeah, not so much.

Kendra: At least now I can afford some gasoline.

You don’t have a car!

Kendra: Oh, it’s not for driving. It’s for huffing.

Kendra: Let’s see what other terrific opportunities the Big Shitty has to offer.

Have I ever used this lot before?

Oh, right, I don’t have any fucking poseurs. So probably not.

Kiera: Man! I love being a fucking poseur!

Shit, I forgot about Stephen. Guess I was wrong.

Venkat: Are you propositioning me?
Kendra: Yup.
Venkat: Thank god.

Venkat: I can’t even pay most people to pretend I’m attractive!
Kendra: I don’t see why! Chicks love dudes with no redeeming qualities.

Yeah. They do.

Goddamn chicks.

Stephen: Hey Kendra! Have you heard the new album you probably haven’t heard of?
Kendra: What?
Stephen: Play along, or my indie cred is toast.

Venkat: Hey, I know a guy who would be just perfect for you! I can set you up on a date right now, if you’re interested!
Kendra: Really? How come?

Venkat: Because he’s falling out of the sky as we speak.



Grant: I feel like fucking Super Dave.
Kendra: Well too bad, you’re fucking me instead.

Stephen: Thirty? More like… like…
Grant: Perty.
Stephen: Oh, go play with your prostitute, Grant.

Armando Louie: How come that ugly slacker guy gets to hang out with that hot chick?
Stephen: He’s paying her.
Armando: I don’t see how that’s different from a normal relationship.

Grant: As long as I’m paying you, can you suck some of this stubble off? The battery on my electric razor died.

Grant: Do you do manscaping too?

Grant: I’m a construction worker. What do you do?

Kendra: I fuck people for money.
Grant: Oh, you’re a construction worker too?

Huh? What?

You can’t do that shit on your own!

Can you?


Caryl: …are those supposed to be walking around?

Unless this is 1940s Germany.

Ha ha?

Dagmar Bertino: Oh my god! Stephen! You’re so hot!
Venkat: Hahaha! My name’s not Stephen!
Dagmar: You can say that again!
Venkat: Hahaha! My name’s not Stephen!
Dagmar: You can say that again!


Venkat: I don’t see why not…

Venkat: What’re we waiting for?
Dagmar: Hot dogs!

Stephen: More like not dogs.

Kendra: I could really go for a hot dog myself.
Grant: Well go ahead, they’re right there.

Grant: Ohhhhhhh.

Brittany: I don’t appreciate this whole “cutting out the Matchmaker” thing. I think we need to form a union.

Grant: My finger tastes soooooooo good.

Grant: But this is alright too.

Grant: Man, that extra weight is awesome! You’ve got some really great pushback going on.

Pirates off the starboard bow!

Brittany: At least I’m not an ass pirate.

Caryl: Random affection!
Stephen: If only it were real!

If only it were real.

Grant: That was the only sex I’ve ever had!
Kendra: With that mullet? I never would’ve guessed!

Grant: Wanna contort?
Kendra: Why not? Let’s live on the edge.

Kendra: Of reason.

Venkat: I feel like we’re drifting apart, Dagmar!
Dagmar: Yeah, I blame you.

Stephen: Ever see a little grey man come out of a Pez dispenser?

Venkat: So then you put the baby in the barbeque, and you eat it, and it’s the circle of life!
Kendra: I always wondered what that was.

Nerissa: Call the exterminator, we’ve got a bad case of floor whores in here.

They should call this game “Fun with Clusterfucks.”

Nancy: Don’t I know you from somewhere?
Kendra: Not unless you’ve got a penis, you don’t.

Nancy: I’m not sure I want a cup of coffee made by a prostitute.
Kendra: Are you kidding? We make the best coffee! We have to, or we’ll fall asleep listening to naked dudes complain about their jobs.

Nancy: Well, I’m sold.

Dagmar: Imaginary coffee!
Venkat: Imaginary eyepatch!

Imaginary interest!

Grant: What an ugly painting.
Kendra: That is our Certificate of Coffee Excellence.
Grant: Okay, so it’s an ugly painting with a stupid name.

Caryl: So I hear most of your kids died.

Kendra: Would you get out from there already?
Grant: That’s what she said!

Kendra: I don’t like this.

Then you shouldn’t have fucked around on your sugar daddy.

Kendra: I didn’t like him either.



Kitty: Hey folks, have you heard? Cecilia Phelps is back in town, and she’s got a new look!
Caryl: That’s right, Kitty! She’s been pardoned for the murders she committed a few years back!

Kitty: For those of you who don’t remember, Cecilia became an international fugitive after murdering several of her fellow students at Mount Noble University.
Caryl: It turns out she was a deep cover agent, and that was just part of her cover story!

Kitty: Anyway, if you see anybody walking around with an axe in their hand, you might want to head the other way! Now here’s Stephen with the weather.
Stephen: SMOG
Caryl: Thanks, Stephen!


Armando: Fake news broadcasts make me horny.

Grant: Yeah, she was okay. Easy on the eyes, but not much of a conversationalist.
Kendra: That’s because you were too boring to talk to.
Grant: Bit of a bitch, too.

Stephen: She sounds perfect.

Grant: Oh! Oh! And she can’t transmit STDs, because it’s not really sex, because her skintone doesn’t have a vagina on it.
Stephen: That’s an important consideration these days!

Kendra: Alright, fine. Let’s go fuck again. I’m tired of jerking cappucinos anyway, jerking dicks will be a nice change of pace.

Stephen: Oh god, where did my lenses go?!

Caryl: What’s that on your coat?
Louie: Nothing.
Caryl: Oh.

Caryl: Gonna flick you anyway.
Louie: DAMMIT! I thought that was foolproof.

Stephen: Are my glasses even on?!

Kendra: Your muscles are so hard!
Grant: Aren’t they?
Kendra: When you tighten them like that.

Stephen. What is your problem.

Stephen: That’s Andrew’s girlfriend!


Stephen: She’s cheating on my son!

I… you… what? Andrew’s MARRIED!

Stephen: That’s no reason to cheat on a guy!

Stephen: I just don’t think you should play tennis with another man’s balls. That came out wrong.
Caryl: Did it ever.

You might want to stay inside for a bit, Stephen.

Because if you come into lightning bolt range, I really can’t make any promises.

Kendra: Wait! Come back! I have business cards!

Grant: I don’t have much money, baby, but if that’s not important to you, we can make this work.
Kendra: Hahahaha nope.

Grant: I’m a medium.
Kendra: Really? I’m usually a small, but right now I’m a large.

Stephen: That was pretty clever.

Enh, it’ll do.

Kendra: Alright, date’s over. Make sure your billing info is correct, there’s a five thousand dollar missed payment fee after thirty days.

Grant: I think she loves me.


Kendra: If you try to stalk me, I’m gonna pull out my placenta and smother you with it.

Armando: Ha! I defy anyone not to laugh at that image. All that blood. Hilarious!

Kendra: Goodnight, Grant. If I have to kiss you again I’m gonna bill you for a full evening.

Armando: And the pus! There’s pus in placentas, right?

Grant: Stay classy, Armando.

Grant: Going to the hospital? Going for an abortion?
Kendra: Stay classy, Grant.

Oh, my neighbourhood.

It is better than all of your neighbourhoods.

I feel sorry for you.

My townies, though… they make me feel sorry for me.

Jack: It’s like an electric bull, but with the added risk of alien impregnation!

And that makes all the difference.

Victor: Hey baby, what’s your sign?
Valerie: “Long-Haired Freaky People Need Not Apply.”

Victor: Hey baby, are those-
Nerissa: I’m gonna stop you there, because this dress is clearly not “astronaut pants.”

Fugly Flapper: …where’s the bartender?

Where else?

Gerard: Get out of the way, Gina! I’m trying to see up that redhead’s dress!

Kendra: Well, this place is much colder and smellier, but at least there’s a chance of seizures now too.

Melissa: Hey lady! What’ll it be?
Chelsea: Got anything that’ll expel babies so I can have my life back?
Melissa: Yeah, a whole bunch of things. Unless you want it alive.
Chelsea: I’ll get back to you.

You’re going to break your back.

Joe: Luckily, I’m a surgeon!

You can’t operate on yourself!

Joe: Sure you can! Haven’t you seen “Spock’s Brain?”

Valerie: Hi! I’d like an Old Fashioned, please!
Melissa: Oh yeah? Well I’d like to talk to my old friend Ian. Let me know when your dead sister didn’t murder him and I’ll make your stupid harpy drink.

Joe: Shit! I just lost my star! Now I’m not invincible anymore!

Joe: Maybe I shouldn’t do stupid things.

The Sim equivalent of evolution.

The Sim equivalent of devolution.

Victor: Nah, it’s just beer goggles.

It certainly is.

But if you want to get jiggy with the cyborg midwife, don’t let me stop you.

Melissa: Man, Valerie’s dance moves are fucking crazy!

She’s just standing there, drinking her drink.

Melissa: I know, right? That’s what I thought too!


Let me guess, you prefer electric bulls.

Anthony: Nah, they ain’t got but no chance of alien impregnation on them!

It’s like a costume party, where everyone went as stupid.

Victor: I could arrest you for any reason. Or no reason. Literally no reason at all. Oh hey, by the way, can I buy you a drink?

Still here?

Still doing nothing?

Just checking.



Jack: Now I’m healthier!

Jack: Except for the broken metal in my skull.

I will never understand this game.

Gerard: Turn it this way! TURN IT THIS WAY! I can almost see!

Kendra: I couldn’t help but notice your impressive display of strength on the dance sphere.
Joe: I couldn’t help but notice your albino stalker.
Nerissa: I can’t help it.

Kendra: You want me to make anything for you? I’ve got soda water under the counter.

Nerissa: Soda water would be lovely, thanks. And can you guys hurry up and fuck? I’m not here to watch you blather.

Kendra: I don’t put on a show, lady.
Nerissa: I’ll pay you five bucks.
Kendra: Anything specific you’d like me to wear?

Nerissa: Yeah. That guy over there.

Kendra: One dude at a time, please. I don’t want my eyes getting too big for my vagina.

I bet this journal accounts for at least 90% of the italicized vaginas on the internet.

I should put that on a banner or something.

There’s a perfectly good bartender on the other side of the room, why are you all waiting on Kendra?

Bioshock Refugee: Because I’m a leper, apparently.
Melissa: It looks good on you.

Chelsea: What a mess this is gonna be! Tish all over the walls.

Kendra: I know a nice little place…
Joe: Is it the parking lot?

Kendra: Yrmp.

Service with a smile! Next time: more of this, actually.

Because lord knows we haven’t had enough already.

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