Welcome to the Pine Valley Chronicles, an ongoing neighbourhood story in The Sims 2!
Warning: this journal may contain uncensored nudity, violence, profanity and sexual themes.
Updates on Friday every week, and sometimes on Tuesday!
Long story short: I discovered that despite my buffer this one chapter was only half-written, and with school starting I haven’t had time to write the missing half until now.
BUT I DON’T OWE YOU NOTHIN’ SO IT’S FINE.
This is Friday’s update, if you’re wondering. I won’t be around on Friday but I JUST CARE ABOUT YOU GUYS SO MUCH so here it is.
Melanie: Oh, Zombie Queen. You are a perfect zombie queen!
Zombie Queen: How do you figure? I’ve been trapped in this cage for years!
Melanie: Yeah, piss yourself a few times and you’ll be just like me!
Chelsea: A cheating, heartless, evil boyfriend-stealing papercunt!
Chelsea: Now I’m going to steal your paper.
Good day at work?
William: Weird day at work.
William: Apparently the mail carrier is a spy now?
Clay: Mailcarrier by day, spy by night!
William: Since you can’t see my face, I’m gonna daydream about hot chicks while I pretend to listen.
Clay: I’d do the same for you!
William: Sorry Clay, daydreams just came true.
William: Hello! You know who I am.
Nerissa: Is that how you greet everybody?
William: No, sometimes I just skip straight to the makeout session.
William: No, we can’t talk about that. He’s used up all his ball jokes.
And I’m not happy about it.
William: I heart this ugly albino.
And apparently her vagina hearts you back.
William: Works for me, that’s the only part that needs to be receptive to my advances.
Nerissa: There’s an urban legend behind you.
William: And a living legend in front of you.
William: And anyway Bigfoot is more of a rural legend.
Nerissa: A sylvan legend!
William: Did we do that joke already?
Ninety-one chapters in ninety-two installments. Average of a hundred and fifty pics each, so we’ll say about… ten thousand jokes so far. So yeah. Yeah, we probably did that joke already. Get used to it, folks.
Clay: Oh my god! It’s Zombie Queen Melanie Lillard! I didn’t know you had a parrot form!
Goddammit! I use up all my milkshake jokes too, and then you go and make that pose?!
William: Oochie coochie… coo… wow, this shirt is thin.
Nerissa: Yeah, sometimes my hips clip through it even.
Nerissa: And they are sexy hips, too.
William: I can see that! Are they also child-bearing hips?
Nerissa: Only if you don’t use protection.
Nerissa: This is horrible foreplay.
Clay: Hey! Don’t manhandle Zombie Queen Melanie Lillard, you bitch…
Clay: …who is also Zombie Queen Melanie Lillard.
William: Maybe we shouldn’t be standing here.
Nerissa: But I can’t see the stars beside your house!
William: Yeah, but this is a road. You don’t want to see the heavens close up, do you?
Hey! Imbeciles! Move!
Especially after what happened to poor Le-
…um, never mind.
Nerissa: Is it okay if I suck out your soul?
William: It wouldn’t be, but thankfully mine is dead.
Courting =/= courting death.
Sideboob! Those who like it, like it a lot.
William: So I think I can see your pasty tits through that woolen dress.
Nerissa: Yeah, probably.
William: So I just wanted to thank you for that.
Melanie: Thank her for what?
William: For not being as sexy as my sexy sexy wife.
Nerissa: -sniffle- That hurt!
William: Oh, shut up and take your dress off.
Nerissa: Well okay, but only because you asked nicely.
William: This is safe, right? I mean, you haven’t got any weird albino chemicals in your vagina, have you?
Nerissa: Wasn’t your mom an albino, though? And one of your sisters too?
William: ODDLY ENOUGH THIS TOPIC NEVER CAME UP WITH THEM.
William: I just don’t want to have to take Captain Sparkles to a tanning booth later, is all.
Melanie: Oh god, I remember this feeling! Something’s about to fall off!
Worse! Something’s about to fall out!
William: No way! I’ve got a firm grip now!
Melanie: Oh, the pain, the pain.
You aren’t putting on a very convincing display.
Melanie: I’ve been dead inside for decades, I don’t feel a blessed thing.
William: I think my wife is having our babies!
Nerissa: That would explain why she was so fat earlier!
William: No, I mean I think my wife is having our babies right now!
Nerissa: Very good, you’ve achieved object permanence! It takes most toddlers years.
Melanie: ONE AT A TIME KIDS ONE AT A TIME!
Clay: Oh no! Adorable baby zombies are coming to eat our baby brains!
Melanie: WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU
Nerissa: Maybe you should go see your wife.
William: What, just because she’s screaming? You haven’t heard us having sex, then.
Nerissa: Don’t you want to meet your firstborn children?
William: You haven’t met much of my family then, either, eh.
Nerissa: Oh my god! I’m reacting to this pregnancy more than you are!
William: Yeah, well, women live for this boring domestic shit.
Ladies and gentlemen, Victor Sharpe! He’s named for his grandmother, to give him that extra little head-start on effeminacy.
He’s also got her eyes, and her skin condition.
Clay: Oh my god! They’re albino vampire zombie babies! That sounds like a cartoon.
Albino Vampire Zombie Babies! Albino Vampire Zombie Babies! Albino Vampire Zombie Babies! Babies in a dust pile. Baby killers!
Melanie: You’d look this way too if you found out your uterus still worked after you used it to store your kitchen utensils for ten years. Probably. That’s a really specific situation, so.
Melanie: Look! No hands!
William: You’d better go. She’s gonna be a lot more mobile, now that she’s not so fat, and I don’t want her to see you.
Nerissa: If you’re so ashamed of your cheating, why do you do it?
William: Oh, I’m not ashamed, I’m terrified. The last time I pissed Melanie off, she destroyed my entire family.
I’m not finding links for that again, it takes forever.
This is Victor’s sister, Neila Sharpe! She’s named after her grandfather, who doesn’t deserve it. Melanie is holding her wrong, but it’s okay, because it looks like she’s gonna eat her anyway.
So, I guess you’ll have to child-proof your house now.
Melanie: What for? I think it’s pretty safe.
Yeah? Do you?
Melanie: So, I just had my archenemy’s kids.
So what? That won’t make you special for long.
Melanie: How long are you going to keep disguising “humorously” unveiled spoilers as intelligent captions?
Until I start breaking the fourth wall to admit I’m doing it.
Clay: Move your ass!
William: It’s my house and I’ll be naked if I want to.
Clay: No, I mean, move your ass! Move it around a bit! I think I can almost see the reflection of your wife upstairs in it!
William: Spreadin’ the ol’ albino genes around! Because we’ll always need spare body parts.
William: I’ll grow him in my basement, those secret clone farms always go wrong if you can believe the movies. And I have no reason not to.
William: I’ve got babies.
Clay: I’m stealing your parrot.
William: Sure you wouldn’t prefer babies?
Clay: I can’t use them, their body parts are all the wrong colour.
William: Mr. Sparkles wanted me to give you this.
Clay: Your penis talks?!
William: To those he deems worthy. Which is usually just me.
William: It’s a machinegun. I give them to all new recruits, because what could go wrong?
Clay: You’re aware that I’m not actually a secret agent? The game just randomly selected me to come home with you.
William: What could go wrong?!
William: Oh, wait, is this a black thing? Would you like it better if I called it a gat?
Nerissa: Oh, William! You’re so sensitive!
William: So this silly bitch’s house almost burned down!
William: I totally stood around and didn’t help.
Clay: Shouldn’t you go to jail for that?
Clay: Good thing I didn’t give notice at the mail depot yet.
Zombie Queen: Perch in sight! Coming in for a landing!
William: I am trying so hard not to imagine that right now.
William: Alright, go away! Because you’re not a real character.
Clay: You just jizzed all over my pants, didn’t you.
William: Mr. Sparkles hates long goodbyes. He’s very sensitive.
Hey guys! I found the perfect spot for Peter!
William: Look at her. Kills off half the neighbourhood and comes out smelling like roses.
Melanie: Do I? Oh, to be able to smell again.
Melanie: So I know you’ve been getting blue balls since I got pregnant…
William: That’s okay, it’s Clay’s washing machine’s problem now.
William: Our problems are a whole lot worse.
Neila: MY BUTT IS POOPED
Victor: MY POOP IS SMELLY
Nick: My relatives are annoying.
Better get used to it.
Woo woo woo woowoo ooh ooh.
Hey hey! Look who got promoted and therefore didn’t get their child taken away.
“Cecilia”: How was I supposed to know you were gonna kill off the butler while I was at work?
“Cecilia”: But anyway, it wasn’t a promotion.
“Cecilia”: Don’t worry, little Nicky! Your momma failed her way back home just to see you again.
CAN WE FOCUS ON THE MATTER AT HAND PLEASE
Nick: SCARY BUTLER SENT PLAGUES OF BUGS TO EAT ME
Social Worker: Hello, sir and/or madam. We’ve received some troubling reports of scary butlers sending plagues of bugs to eat your baby?
SHOOT HIM WHILE YOU STILL CAN
And shoot the scary butler, too.
Social Worker: Sorry, our office only deals with neglect. Scary Butlers are the purview of the Frightening NPC Department.
Ian: Cool, petrified newspaper!
“Cecilia”: I got promoted again!
What?! How did you leave?!
“Cecilia”: I left Scary Butler in charge! They demoted me to a position which started just a few hours after I got fired.
Wow, that is one creative way to fill an empty shift roster!
“Cecilia”: I think this was a good day?
“Cecilia”: My thoughts about stabbing rings are fiery.
Might wanna see a doctor about that.
“Cecilia”: Who’s gonna suck her baby’s brains out through his ear? Is it me? IS IT ME?
“Cecilia”: It totally wasn’t me, please don’t call the cops.
“Cecilia”: Oh hey, also, congrats on the hellspawn bump.
Chelsea: Oh god, it’s gonna look like Peter isn’t it?! The full force of that just hit me.
At least you were already sitting down.
“Cecilia”: And at least he’s in my digestive tract.
What more reason do you need to celebrate, really?
“Cecilia”: Go on, little Nicky! Make a wish!
Nick: .oO(I wish he’d notice when his camera clips through the window frames.)
What’s that? You’re wishing for a quick death? Well alright, but I can’t promise it will be clean.
Nick: .oO(Neon polar bears for everyone!)
The high you get from Aspiration Rewards is great, but the crash is something awful.
And then there’s the chance your baby might be born smart, for which there is no known cure.
Other than repeated self-application of stupid.
I can totally see why all you chicks love toddler Sims.
What with their less-than-a-dozen interactions and their cellulite faces.
“Cecilia”: And don’t forget the smell.
Yeah, some of them smell.
“Cecilia”: Babies smell.
Vicki: Dammit, was Scary Butler here again?!
Yes, but he ran away when Sudden Bathtub appeared.
Nick: .oO(Cool, so now I guess I’ll just die then.)
Or maybe she’ll get out of the way and you can go to sleep.
Or maybe not.
Vicki: You must need to poop so much because you’ve been in womb limbo for two decades.
Nick: And also Scary Butler gave me food poisoning.
Nick: Aren’t I adorable?
Maybe if I was a pedophile with a scat fetish.
So, most of the internet should like you just fine.
YES I KNOW. I can`t fucking change history.
Nick: .oO(So now we all get to persist in the doomed world you’ve created.)
Don’t blame me for the biological clock.
No, that’s probably a mod.
Mayhew: So hey, who left this dead scary butler out here? Because I totally didn’t just kill him and take his place.
Mayhew: Oh boy, a kid! I love kids! Especially late at night when the refrigerator is empty.
Amar: I wish an evil butler would eat me.
Nick: .oO(Now wait, can we talk about this first?)
Nah, that’s what counsellors are for.
That and sensing hostility.
Nick: .oO(I will offer you all the poops I’ve accumulated if you stop right now.)
Nick: .oO(Seriously? Molestation and clipping?)
Only the best for my discerning audience!
Nick: .oO(So, I guess we’re married now.)
“Cecilia”: How do you like the new butler, Nicky?
Nick: .oO(Take me up these stairs so I can throw myself back down them.)
Mayhew: Hi there, Mrs. Phelps! I was just gonna put your kid to sleep!
“Cecilia”: I think you mean “to bed.”
Mayhew: You do? Well gosh, that’ll make this whole thing a lot easier to accomplish!
Mayhew: One word and I’ll tickle you ’til you shit an organ.
Mayhew: Sweet dreams!
Amen! Next time: the Passion of the Kearney.
It’s going to be special.