The Pine Valley Chronicles, Chapter Ninety-One

Welcome to the Pine Valley Chronicles, an ongoing neighbourhood story in The Sims 2!
Warning: this journal may contain uncensored nudity, violence, profanity and sexual themes.

Updates on Friday every week, and usually on Tuesday!

Click Here for Previous Entries!

Finally, a chapter of manageable length.

I don’t think that clock needs maintenance yet.

Cameron: Oh, it’s not the clock I’m maintaining.

Andrew: Man, would you look at this clock! The hands are all wrong! I swear, this place would fall apart completely without me!

Oh. I see.

You were maintaining your marriage.

Well done.

Andrew: Good morning, scarface!
Cameron: How you doing, beard guy?

Andrew: I swear, you get more beautiful everyday.
Kent: Yeah, traitors do tend to get rehabilitated over time.

Cameron: It’s pretty awesome, won’t lie.

Cameron: And so is that, keep it coming.
Andrew: You have the best ass in the valley, Cameron.
Cameron: Aren’t all our asses the same?
Andrew: Physically yes, but your skintone makes all the difference.
Cameron: Wait… are you saying you’ve seen other women’s asses, then? Like, naked?

Best Friends with babies!

Cameron: Don’t change the subject!

Alright then.

Kent: Pee monster. It happens.

Alright then.

I’m starting to feel that way too.

Andrew: I bet Amin gets another promotion today.
Cameron: Why?
Andrew: Because Bigfoots are bullshit, that’s why.

Bigfoot: We sure are!

Bigfoot: And so is this “gift.”

Bigfoot: NO MORE SNOW.

Man, we could sure use your superpowers up here in Canada sometimes.

Kent: What do you want?
Andrew: I want to give my kid this bottle. What do you want?
Kent: I want to stop you.

Kent: I’ll just interfere with this one instead.

Andrew: Peekaboo! Surprise! I’m still here!


Yeah, I feel that way about my best friends too sometimes.

Well that’s a relief.

Nathaniel: Dildo!

You know what? Yeah! Well-spotted.


Spotted dick.


Cameron: Congratulations on bullshit magic stuff!
Andrew: Shit! I forgot I could do bullshit magic stuff!

What’re you-

Kent: SHHH.

Andrew: I was expecting it.
Kent: Well FUCK YOU.

Andrew: Yeah, I’m the smartest guy in the valley.

Andrew: And everyone thinks I’m awesome.

Andrew: But anyway, can I borrow your wrench? Please? Mom?

Cameron: They did the same thing in the first movie! With the rings of Saturn!
Andrew: I guess they just think it looks cool to have the ship rising up out of stuff.
Cameron: No, you know what looks cool? NOT KILLING OFF BRUCE GREENWOOD.

Yeah, I’m still mad.

Nathaniel: I gave my sister a dildo!

Excellent! The niche porn market is always a solid investment, you might as well start preparing early.

Andrew: Cameron! The kids have been into your car dildos again!

Cameron: Well, you have to give them some incentive to move around!

Cameron: Come on, kid! Strafe! Use the arrow keys!

Cameron: Move like you’ve got a purpose!
Angelica: I just don’t want you to put my eye out with that ridiculous schnozz of yours.

Someday I’ll run out of captions for these dull toddler skill pics.

Shit! I think it just happened!

Andrew: I’m going to teach you a nursery rhyme that my dad taught me.
Nathaniel: Is it about leaving grandma for a hussy?
Andrew: No, grandma will teach you that one.

Nathaniel: Can we skip the music lesson? I just want to build a spaceship with my blocks.

Andrew: Are you kidding? We can skip dinner for that!

You know, there’s nothing stopping the neighbours from looking out their windows and seeing your naked ass.

Stephen: It’s every granddad’s sworn duty to scar his grandchildren.

Stephen: Well well, if it isn’t Sandy Chode!
Sandy: It’s “Cho,” actually.
Stephen: Oh? So you don’t really have sand in your-
Sandy: Maybe.

Sandy: I haven’t looked lately.

Stephen: We could check it out together. Just saying.

Sandy: What a gentleman!

Stephen: Erin! Come over! Well, fine, wash it off, then come over.

What’re you scanning for?

Ember: Stephen’s semen.

Hey, what’s the point of masturbation pictures if you’re not allowed to masturbate to them?

Ember: Aha! Someone has been touching them! It was Autumn Kauker all along!

Ember: …whoever the fuck that is.

Kiera: Hey Erin! Piss yourself lately?
Erin: Not lately. I do my self-pissing before breakfast.

Kiera: Oh my god, there’s two naked Stephens! I can’t look! Not even to correct myself.

Kiera: Where did the other one of you go?
Stephen: I ate him, to add his sexual prowess to my own.
Kiera: Kinky!

I would at least have checked for wet spots first.

Oh, Anti-Jealousy Potions.

Also known as Pine Valley Penicillin.

Kiera: Hey baby, what’s shakin’?
Stephen: Sorry, they make Lesbian Potions at the same factory and sometimes there’s some residue on there. It’ll wear off in a few minutes, or after you go down on your first chick.

Kiera: So, how much are you paying me to pose?

Stephen: More like, how much are you paying me to cheat on my sexy sexy wife with your fugly Maxis face.

Erin: This journal is so classy.

Thanks for noticing.

Stephen: Anyway, you’ll do nicely. Come on inside and we’ll objectify and degrade you.

Kiera: Sounds good!

Stephen: Actually, how about I stare at your tits for a while? I need to… consider my subject, before I commit myself to a particular vision.
Kiera: So professional!

Amar: Man, I thought I was a real fan! Look at that guy! He’s got more Autumn Heights Nudists spirit than I’ve ever seen before!

Stephen: Hey, as long as we’re doing this questionably sexual thing, how about we make it a date? That way we can have questionable sex afterward.

Kiera: Unquestionably!

Stephen: Life is good. It’s like I died, and went to heaven, and came back, and heaven came back with me.

Stephen: I did mention that this was a nude photoshoot, right? Off with those clothes, and mess up your hair a little, it’ll look hot.

Stephen: Well, alright, but that’s more literal than I was hoping for.

Stephen: WAUGH! How did you do that?
Kiera: God did it.
Stephen: That’s never an acceptable explanation!
Kiera: What, you don’t believe in the Maker?
Stephen: Sure I do, I just don’t believe in him doing constructive things.

Hey, I constructed you, so watch it.

“Badly-Framed Woman Not Covering Her Boobs.”

“Deformed Woman Posing Awkwardly While Squinting.”

“Come Hither to the Uncanny Valley.”

Stephen: Thanks! Those weren’t any good.
Kiera: But now your dick is in me.
Stephen: Yeah, but it’s always in someone.

Kiera: I’m someone!

Kiera: I sure don’t look it!

Stephen: The vagina on those default replacements is really good.
Kiera: I’ll take that as a compliment.
Stephen: I can only barely see how, but okay.

Stephen: Hey! Close your eyes.
Kiera: Not around you, thanks. I don’t want to see my vagina on the internet tomorrow.
Stephen: Hahaha, tomorrow?! My internet connection is way faster than that.


It’s not as funny as it sounds, unfortunately.

Erin: Hey, where’s Ember?


Erin: You’ve totally checked out on this update, haven’t you?


Erin: And all these naked ladies aren’t it?
Stephen: Yeah, can we talk about this?

Stephen: Pardon me, baby.
Ember: Alright.
Stephen: I wasn’t talking to you, honey. I was talking to the baby.

You shouldn’t keep snogging people with Maxis skintones, Stephen.

It reminds me that you have a Maxis skintone, and disinclines me from letting you breed.

Stephen: Work it, Kiera! Look sexy! Feel sexy! Stare at my awesome bod, that should help.

I guess it did, at least that one is halfway decent.

Only halfway, but still.

Stephen: Erin! How would you like to take your clothes off and be in a nudie pic?
Erin: Is that the whole reason I’ve been wandering around your house, lonely and ignored, all day?
Stephen: Well, that and you’re boring.

Stephen: But we can work through it together.

Hm. Can we?

Stephen: Oh, Kiera! The more-boring has chased me into your only-slightly-less-boring arms!
Kiera: Thank goodness for gradations!

Yeah, you and like everybody else.

Ember: What are we doing?
Ally: Who cares? We’re in the background anyway.

I’m not feeling clever enough for this one right now.

Hey! What happened to your new hair?

Kiera: I had to take it back, couldn’t keep up the payments.

Stephen: Could you maybe stop doing that?
Elle: Fall down the stairs, die, come back as a ghost, and see what you’ve got to amuse yourself with of a Saturday night.

Ember: There isn’t even that much to do when you’re alive, really.

Yeah, because fascinating things like these are just begging to be commemorated.


Jihoon: Aw jeez, they use those stupid haunted bricks here?

Stephen: That was the same joke, twice in a row.
Ember: Don’t complain or he’ll skip us entirely next time.

Damn skippy.

Cory: You should give me a household. I bet I’d be really interesting.

You won’t be.

Cory: Wait, does that mean-

Next time: balls deep, and babies.

Funny how those keep getting juxtaposed.


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