Welcome to the Pine Valley Chronicles, an ongoing neighbourhood story in The Sims 2!
Warning: this journal may contain uncensored nudity, violence, profanity and sexual themes.
Updates on Friday every week, and usually on Tuesday!
Finally, a chapter of manageable length.
I don’t think that clock needs maintenance yet.
Cameron: Oh, it’s not the clock I’m maintaining.
Andrew: Man, would you look at this clock! The hands are all wrong! I swear, this place would fall apart completely without me!
Oh. I see.
You were maintaining your marriage.
Andrew: Good morning, scarface!
Cameron: How you doing, beard guy?
Kent: JUST LEAVE YOUR SHIT ON THE GROUND KIDS IT’S FINE
Andrew: I swear, you get more beautiful everyday.
Kent: Yeah, traitors do tend to get rehabilitated over time.
Cameron: It’s pretty awesome, won’t lie.
Cameron: And so is that, keep it coming.
Andrew: You have the best ass in the valley, Cameron.
Cameron: Aren’t all our asses the same?
Andrew: Physically yes, but your skintone makes all the difference.
Cameron: Wait… are you saying you’ve seen other women’s asses, then? Like, naked?
Best Friends with babies!
Cameron: Don’t change the subject!
Kent: Pee monster. It happens.
I’m starting to feel that way too.
Andrew: I bet Amin gets another promotion today.
Andrew: Because Bigfoots are bullshit, that’s why.
Bigfoot: We sure are!
Bigfoot: And so is this “gift.”
Bigfoot: NO MORE SNOW.
Man, we could sure use your superpowers up here in Canada sometimes.
Kent: What do you want?
Andrew: I want to give my kid this bottle. What do you want?
Kent: I want to stop you.
Kent: I’ll just interfere with this one instead.
Andrew: Peekaboo! Surprise! I’m still here!
Angelica: WHY ARE YOU STILL HERE?!
Yeah, I feel that way about my best friends too sometimes.
Well that’s a relief.
You know what? Yeah! Well-spotted.
Cameron: Congratulations on bullshit magic stuff!
Andrew: Shit! I forgot I could do bullshit magic stuff!
Kent: NO-ONE EXPECTS THE-
Andrew: I was expecting it.
Kent: Well FUCK YOU.
Andrew: Yeah, I’m the smartest guy in the valley.
Andrew: And everyone thinks I’m awesome.
Andrew: But anyway, can I borrow your wrench? Please? Mom?
Cameron: They did the same thing in the first movie! With the rings of Saturn!
Andrew: I guess they just think it looks cool to have the ship rising up out of stuff.
Cameron: No, you know what looks cool? NOT KILLING OFF BRUCE GREENWOOD.
Yeah, I’m still mad.
Nathaniel: I gave my sister a dildo!
Excellent! The niche porn market is always a solid investment, you might as well start preparing early.
Andrew: Cameron! The kids have been into your car dildos again!
Cameron: Well, you have to give them some incentive to move around!
Cameron: Come on, kid! Strafe! Use the arrow keys!
Cameron: Move like you’ve got a purpose!
Angelica: I just don’t want you to put my eye out with that ridiculous schnozz of yours.
Someday I’ll run out of captions for these dull toddler skill pics.
Shit! I think it just happened!
Andrew: I’m going to teach you a nursery rhyme that my dad taught me.
Nathaniel: Is it about leaving grandma for a hussy?
Andrew: No, grandma will teach you that one.
Nathaniel: Can we skip the music lesson? I just want to build a spaceship with my blocks.
Andrew: Are you kidding? We can skip dinner for that!
You know, there’s nothing stopping the neighbours from looking out their windows and seeing your naked ass.
Stephen: It’s every granddad’s sworn duty to scar his grandchildren.
Stephen: Well well, if it isn’t Sandy Chode!
Sandy: It’s “Cho,” actually.
Stephen: Oh? So you don’t really have sand in your-
Sandy: I haven’t looked lately.
Stephen: We could check it out together. Just saying.
Sandy: What a gentleman!
Stephen: Erin! Come over! Well, fine, wash it off, then come over.
What’re you scanning for?
Ember: Stephen’s semen.
Hey, what’s the point of masturbation pictures if you’re not allowed to masturbate to them?
Ember: Aha! Someone has been touching them! It was Autumn Kauker all along!
Ember: …whoever the fuck that is.
Kiera: Hey Erin! Piss yourself lately?
Erin: Not lately. I do my self-pissing before breakfast.
Kiera: Oh my god, there’s two naked Stephens! I can’t look! Not even to correct myself.
Kiera: Where did the other one of you go?
Stephen: I ate him, to add his sexual prowess to my own.
I would at least have checked for wet spots first.
Oh, Anti-Jealousy Potions.
Also known as Pine Valley Penicillin.
Kiera: Hey baby, what’s shakin’?
Stephen: Sorry, they make Lesbian Potions at the same factory and sometimes there’s some residue on there. It’ll wear off in a few minutes, or after you go down on your first chick.
Kiera: So, how much are you paying me to pose?
Stephen: More like, how much are you paying me to cheat on my sexy sexy wife with your fugly Maxis face.
Erin: This journal is so classy.
Thanks for noticing.
Stephen: Anyway, you’ll do nicely. Come on inside and we’ll objectify and degrade you.
Kiera: Sounds good!
Stephen: Actually, how about I stare at your tits for a while? I need to… consider my subject, before I commit myself to a particular vision.
Kiera: So professional!
Amar: Man, I thought I was a real fan! Look at that guy! He’s got more Autumn Heights Nudists spirit than I’ve ever seen before!
Stephen: Hey, as long as we’re doing this questionably sexual thing, how about we make it a date? That way we can have questionable sex afterward.
Stephen: Life is good. It’s like I died, and went to heaven, and came back, and heaven came back with me.
Stephen: I did mention that this was a nude photoshoot, right? Off with those clothes, and mess up your hair a little, it’ll look hot.
Stephen: Well, alright, but that’s more literal than I was hoping for.
Stephen: WAUGH! How did you do that?
Kiera: God did it.
Stephen: That’s never an acceptable explanation!
Kiera: What, you don’t believe in the Maker?
Stephen: Sure I do, I just don’t believe in him doing constructive things.
Hey, I constructed you, so watch it.
“Badly-Framed Woman Not Covering Her Boobs.”
“Deformed Woman Posing Awkwardly While Squinting.”
“Come Hither to the Uncanny Valley.”
Stephen: Thanks! Those weren’t any good.
Kiera: But now your dick is in me.
Stephen: Yeah, but it’s always in someone.
Kiera: I’m someone!
Kiera: I sure don’t look it!
Stephen: The vagina on those default replacements is really good.
Kiera: I’ll take that as a compliment.
Stephen: I can only barely see how, but okay.
Stephen: Hey! Close your eyes.
Kiera: Not around you, thanks. I don’t want to see my vagina on the internet tomorrow.
Stephen: Hahaha, tomorrow?! My internet connection is way faster than that.
Erin: HAHAHAHA SWINGERS
It’s not as funny as it sounds, unfortunately.
Erin: Hey, where’s Ember?
Erin: You’ve totally checked out on this update, haven’t you?
I WANT TO GET TO THE GOOD STUFF.
Erin: And all these naked ladies aren’t it?
Stephen: Yeah, can we talk about this?
Stephen: Pardon me, baby.
Stephen: I wasn’t talking to you, honey. I was talking to the baby.
You shouldn’t keep snogging people with Maxis skintones, Stephen.
It reminds me that you have a Maxis skintone, and disinclines me from letting you breed.
Stephen: Work it, Kiera! Look sexy! Feel sexy! Stare at my awesome bod, that should help.
I guess it did, at least that one is halfway decent.
Only halfway, but still.
Stephen: Erin! How would you like to take your clothes off and be in a nudie pic?
Erin: Is that the whole reason I’ve been wandering around your house, lonely and ignored, all day?
Stephen: Well, that and you’re boring.
Stephen: But we can work through it together.
Hm. Can we?
Stephen: Oh, Kiera! The more-boring has chased me into your only-slightly-less-boring arms!
Kiera: Thank goodness for gradations!
Yeah, you and like everybody else.
Ember: What are we doing?
Ally: Who cares? We’re in the background anyway.
I’m not feeling clever enough for this one right now.
Hey! What happened to your new hair?
Kiera: I had to take it back, couldn’t keep up the payments.
Stephen: Could you maybe stop doing that?
Elle: Fall down the stairs, die, come back as a ghost, and see what you’ve got to amuse yourself with of a Saturday night.
Ember: There isn’t even that much to do when you’re alive, really.
Yeah, because fascinating things like these are just begging to be commemorated.
Stephen: EMBER DID YOU BUY THOSE HAUNTED HAMBURGERS AGAIN
Jihoon: Aw jeez, they use those stupid haunted bricks here?
Stephen: That was the same joke, twice in a row.
Ember: Don’t complain or he’ll skip us entirely next time.
Cory: You should give me a household. I bet I’d be really interesting.
You won’t be.
Cory: Wait, does that mean-
Next time: balls deep, and babies.
Funny how those keep getting juxtaposed.