The Pine Valley Chronicles, Chapter Ninety

Welcome to the Pine Valley Chronicles, an ongoing neighbourhood story in The Sims 2!
Warning: this journal may contain uncensored nudity, violence, profanity and sexual themes.

Updates on Friday every week, and usually on Tuesdays!

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I can’t think of any good intro text.

So I’ll just tell you so and move on.

You? Not likely.

Deborah: I have two best friends, thank you very much.

I’ve got news for you, Deborah. You’re a woman, so you think you’re best friends. Lucas and William are men, so they think you’re someone who will have sex with them.

Deborah: I’ll show you! I’ll invite William and his wife over, and we won’t have sex, and it’ll be fine, because we’re best friends.

If you are, inviting him over and not having sex with him is a good way to change that.

Melanie: What are we doing here again?
William: Keeping up one of my investments, for cashing in later.

Deborah: Nice to see you, Melanie!
Melanie: Call me Zombie Queen Melanie Lillard, please. Everyone else does. And it’s traditional to genuflect, so on your knees.

Deborah: I changed my mind, get that zombie factory off my sidewalk.

Well, looks like you’ve got quite the choice to make here, William.

On the one hand, Melanie has become bland and uninteresting.

On the other hand, Deborah has always been bland and uninteresting.

William: How about they can have each other, and I’ll talk to the house numbers.

Sounds like a plan.


Melanie: You’ve got a fire alarm, though, right?
Deborah: I thought I did!
William: If I hide in the bathroom, maybe only you guys will burn to death!

Deborah: HOLY SHIT
William: You weren’t making grilled GASOLINE sandwiches, were you, Deborah?!

Melanie: Why aren’t you doing anything, William?! You’re supposed to be a hero!
William: I can’t interfere with an underdeveloped household! I’d be breaking the Prime Directive!

William: And also the Maker won’t let me. I think he wants her to die.
Deborah: What? WHAT?

Deborah: Well fuck all you guys then!

William: Seriously bitch, cut it out! Your hair’s on fire!
Melanie: You must have lost your wits!
William: Yeah!

I like how the sandwiches are just simmering softly in the middle of all that.

Deborah: Well, at least I don’t need to worry about the sink now! Progress!

William: Dammit Deborah, hurry up! You know how pale I am! I don’t tan, I burn!

Not really the ideal time or place for a nap, Deborah…

William: Come on, make me selectable! Let me call the fire department!

No way! This is the most interesting thing that’s ever happened in this house!

Deborah: Shit! I don’t have a permit to burn my trash!

Thankfully, I don’t need one to burn my Sims.

Yeah, that’s a pretty appropriate response.

That, not so much.

William: Well if you’re not gonna let me help, I’m not taking any chances.

Melanie: Deborah! Your vagina’s on fire!
Deborah: Good! This is my vagina’s fault!


Deborah: You’re gonna pay for this, kid. Mark my words!

Hahaha! It’s funny because it’s the opposite of the truth.

Deborah: What?!

Fight that fire, bitch! Don’t listen to me!

Deborah: No! NO! Not my infinite baby bottle dispenser! That can burn indefinitely!

Deborah: Fine, take the corner one, I can’t reach it anyway.


Well done, you’ve invented the flies and charcoal sandwich!

Deborah: Might as well eat it, then.

Deborah: Or maybe I shouldn’t have.

Hey! Get that camera off me!

Deborah: My life hasn’t turned out as classy as I’d hoped.

Ally: Your stink sandwiches are stinky, Deborah.

I don’t think she cares.

Deborah: So, narcolepsy is fun…

It’s okay for me, sure…

I don’t know if it’ll be okay for you, though.

I don’t always put sale prices on objects you shouldn’t be able to sell.

But when I do, I put low prices on them.

A perfect ending to a perfect day.

I think this is what a Hoarders prequel would look like.

Deborah: I can’t even tell where the dish stink ends and my own stink begins.

It’s all your stink, Deborah. All of it.

Deborah: …fuck this, I’m gonna do something with my life!

Deborah: So hey, William! Wanna try that again?

Deborah: There was no need to be mean about it…

Deborah: Oh god, here comes that rotten grilled cheese again…

No, I’m afraid what this really is will turn out to be far more rotten.

Deborah: Do we really wanna be having more toddlers? I think you’re losing everyone’s attention with this domesticity shit.

Yeah, well, funny thing about killing people willy-nilly: you run out eventually, and you need to get more.

Deborah: Well gee, it sounds like my kid has a great future in store for them, then.

Elle: Ugh, what a mess! This is gonna be a shitty day.

Hahaha! Wait’ll you get inside.

Yeah, you’ve got a little bland in your eyes there.

Mhmm. I think that’s definitely the take-away from this whole experience.

Alvin: Hot women are pretty much okay.

Yeah, they have their moments, to be sure.

Ember: Hi Kitty! I’m hotter than you.
Alvin: She’s right, you know.

Alvin: But I like you alright anyway.
Kitty: Thanks?

Alvin: So we might as well get married!
Kitty: What a ridiculously awesome leap of logic!
Alvin: It’s science in action!
Lucas: Is awful in action!

Lucas: You will pay for stealing the baby of Lucas Perez, chupacabra!
Ember: That’s not your baby, Lucas.


Alvin: Hey, it looks even better from down here! Quick, trade places with me and I’ll show you.

Alvin: OOF. Let me know before you do that next time, I’ll turn my intertial dampeners up!

Oh god. Townies marrying townies. I sense a purge coming on.

Ember: Are you guys gonna get your own place soon?


Alvin: Yeah baby! Dancin’ up a storm!


Alvin: They’re making out.
Kitty: Well, we’re Mexican standoffing. It’s much more fun.

Lucas: Are you coming out soon, little ones? Will you witness the splendour and glory that is Lucas Perez and his extremely presentable genitals?

Lucas: I fear for you, little ones. The world you will soon enter is dark, and frightful. And wet.

Lucas: Beware the u-bend, for beyond lies a faraway land of great sorrow!

Ember: …you’re not talking to the babies anymore, are you.
Lucas: Babies?

Alvin: Can we talk about astronauts? I want to talk about astronauts with you.

Alvin: No, not ancient astronauts! Never ancient astronauts.

Why? What do you have against John Glenn?

Have you gone on sabbatical just to do this?

Ember: I think you need to clear the air between you and Alvin.
Lucas: You are still smelling that, chiquita? Was an hour ago! Although Lucas Perez did have bean tacos for lunch.
Alvin: No, they weren’t for powering alien spaceships in orbit, they were for burying dead Egyptians. We’ve been over this, Andrew.

Alvin: No! The Temple Mount was not a landing pad for rockets! It was a mount for temples!

Lucas: I am grateful that bad Kitty sold my television to pay for her date with Science Man, so that I have not seen the terrible show Science Man is talking about.

I’m usually grateful for less complicated things, me.

Alvin: No, they did ask me to host an episode, but then they said my hair wasn’t silly enough.

Ugh. The Sim Bin is empty, and all the spares are here.

Lucas: One minute on the porcelain throne and Lucas Perez can remedy this.

Lucas: What are you doing, chiquita?
Kitty: Cleaning the toilet.


Ember: Fourteen? More like something that rhymes with fourteen.


William: Hey, I know you! You’re from the SWAT team. What’s your name again? Shit? Scat? Poop?
Tish Raha: Tish.
William: Hey! Language.

Tish: Pleased to meet you! I’m Tish.
Alvin: You are? Really? Hey Lucas, one of the ones you flushed came back!

William: Dammit, now I’ve got Tish on my hands.

Alvin: So like I was telling you, Kitty is OH MY GOD HOW ARE YOU ACTUALLY HERE

Andrew: You need a better firewall on your phone line, that’s how.

Oh, mad science.

You are mad!

Tish: We know that Frankenstein monster last week was you, buddy. Watch yourself.
Andrew: Uhhh, no, mine are called Murphies. I’m not giving Victor credit for my brilliance!

Tish: Well nobody likes your stupid science so stop stupid sciencing your stupid science everywhere. Buddy.

Andrew: But… but I love my stupid science!

Alvin: Ally! Do you want to come to my-
Ally: NO!
Alvin: …wedding?
Ally: Oh yeah, sure! Of course! 🙂

No. Go away. This wedding is characters-only.

So they can see how the other half lives.

William: I’d like to see how her other half lives!

That doesn’t make any sense, William.

William: Hey, that’s love for you. Baby.

Alvin: So since you teleported over through my phone line, do you wanna come out for my wedding?
Andrew: I’m not gay.
Alvin: I… no, I meant come outside.

Andrew: Well, I considered the possibilities, and that one was the most ridiculous, so I ignored it.

Andrew: Goddammit!

Andrew: You have interesting friends, Alvin.
Alvin: Yeah, but I like you anyway.

William: You guys have fun, my body refuses to budge.

Andrew: That’s a lovely dress, Kitty. Is it traditional?
Kitty: No, it’s mandated. Fucking maternity clothes.

Ally: Johnny Depp impression!
Tish: I’d watch it five times, with seriously diminishing returns!

Alvin: Hey Pine Valley! We’re getting married, so moar pew pew please!

Kitty: That was a pretty weak joke.
Alvin: Of course it was, I’m weak for you. Baby.

William: This must be about me somehow, or I wouldn’t be here.

Andrew: What kind of scientist marries a dance instructor?

One who understands the value of flexibility.

Andrew: I’m just gonna huff these outdoor folded napkins.

You do that.

Andrew: Don’t you ever do anything with your hair, Alvin?
Alvin: What, you mean like trying to clone myself from follicles? Because I can tell you now, that shit doesn’t work.

Gretchen: William! Fancy meeting you here!
William: Have we met?
Gretchen: I just said we were meeting, didn’t I?

Alvin: With this ring I thee wed!
Gretchen: Keep it down, would you? Not everybody wants to hear your private conversations, diva.

Alvin: That baby sure is fat.
Kitty: I think this is about normal.
Alvin: Well, I was just being polite. Really it’s you that’s fat.

Andrew: I’m the best man!

No, you’re the second-best man. Sorry.

William: Thank you.

You’re welcome.

Welp, it’s officially a wedding now.

Gretchen: God you guys, get a room.

Gretchen: This guy sure needs a lot of affirmation, eh?
William: This is a wedding.
Gretchen: Oh sure, buy into his hyperbole why don’t you.

Andrew: I’m sold!

Kitty: What do we do now?
Alvin: Grow old and die?

Well, you’re half right.

Kitty: The wedding sure didn’t take your attention off of science for long.
Alvin: It didn’t take my attention off of Science at all. I was playing with this thing in my pocket the whole time, it just seemed rude to do it in plain view.

And also, Kitty, you said-

Alvin: Right, you said Science without the capital “S” again, thanks for reminding me.

Any time.

Alvin: That’s a lovely suit. Is it polyester?
William: Dictator hide, harvested it myself.
Alvin: It’s amazing what black dye can do.
William: Orc blood, actually. Long story.

Lexie: Is there a wedding here? Did I miss it?
The Unsavoury Charlatan: You haven’t missed it! It’s in an unmarked black van around the corner! Come with me and I’ll show you. Oh, but one question first: are your kidneys healthy? Because there’s an open bar, and I’d hate for you to get sick.

William: Mmm-mmm! Somebody’s cooking up a batch of greasy grimy gopher gut tubes!
Andrew: Learned how in the Boy Scouts.

William: So hey, how come you’re always so mad at me?
Andrew: You banged my dead brother’s girlfriend. And my fiancé.

William: Haha, yeah. I really gave it to them.

William: But hey! I had to kill them both, so we’re square! Right? Right?!

Nah, his fiance starved to death.

Good times!

Yeah, you know what? Fuck hotdogs!

Alvin: It was nice of you to come out, whoever you are.
Kennedy: Well, I just decided it was time. Since I’m so gay.

Alvin: I can’t hear your running jokes, I’m too busy Sciencing.
The Unsavoury Charlatan: How are you on the science of detection? Because I hear your wallet calling to me, and its voice is so sweet.

There are some things even Science can’t explain.

Don’t tell Alvin, though.

William: Here comes the bride, all dressed in hot!

Kitty: You’re not my husband.
Kennedy: But I’m gay now, so it’s okay.

Kitty: Are you gay for William Sharpe? He’s a fine piece of manliness.

Kennedy: Oh, totally! The way he makes out with you in the church courtyard a few minutes from now, so awesome.
Kitty: If you’re going to read ahead, can you at least not tell me my future?

The Unsavoury Charlatan: Good sir! May I direct you to a distraction, so that I might liberate you from the burden of your moneypurse?

Andrew: Well gee, that is an attractive proposal.

Andrew: But I think I’m gonna have to go with no, and also fuck you.

The Unsavoury Charlatan:that’s never happened before.

William: I’d ask what you guys are eating, but it’s all over my plate, and my clothes, and my face, so I guess I’ll find out on my own.

So, did your husband disapparate or something?

Kitty: It’s Alvin. More likely he beamed out.

Andrew: Hey, I found Alvin’s science ball! Where did he go?
The Unsavoury Charlatan: Definitely not into my pocket!

William: I am not with the utilities commission. I am a secret agent.

William: Would it help if I made out with you in the church courtyard?
Kitty: I don’t know if it’ll help, but I hear it’s predestined!

Andrew: Miss Newcastle.
Penny: Mister Murphy.
Andrew: How’s Jerome?
Penny: Like you care.
Andrew: Or you.
Penny: That too.

Kitty: It’s not adultery if it’s surrendering to fate!

William: On the one hand, Alvin’s my friend and co-worker.

William: On the other hand, poon tang.

Penny: I didn’t know zombies ate turkey.
Dickson: Only if it’s brain-fed.

William: Don’t you feel just a little bit guilty about this?
Kitty: The big bit I’m feeling in your pants is distracting me from it.

Yeah, we have a whole history of happy marriages here in the valley.

Lexie: Relax, I’m not the cheating police.
William: There’s no such thing as the cheating police.

Why not? It sounds like it would make for a great porn!

Kitty: Anyway, no woman can resist your charms. You know that.
William: Yeah, I do. I just like to hear them say it.

Kitty: Tickle tickle tickle!
William: Seriously?
Kitty: I’m pregnant, my interaction range is limited.

William: This’ll be our little secret, Kitty.
Kitty: You, me, and the audience.

I wouldn’t worry about the audience, they’re on a twenty-year delay.

Alvin: Thanks for coming, Andrew! This was a great wedding!
Andrew: It wasn’t bad. A lot of pregnant women, though.
Alvin: Aw, they come in lots?! I didn’t know that, I would have bought one instead of making my own!

Alvin: Oh, Kitty! You are a vision so divine.
Penny: I’m not Kitty.
Alvin: Oh ho, roleplaying is it?! You don’t seem to be very good at it, though.

William: Don’t you think Alvin will notice your absence?
Kitty: Not likely, I told him I’m a chameleonic lifeform who sometimes takes the shape of other pregnant women.
William: And why did he believe that?
Kitty: Because he so desperately wanted to.

Alvin: Level 90 Mad Scientist looking for wedding party!

William: What were you-
Andrew: I DON’T KNOW.

Alvin: Well done, everyone! Except for all the ones who left, and all the people I didn’t know, and maybe Andrew at the end there when he took his clothes off.
Kitty: Nah, that last one’s fine!

Kitty: Wasn’t it chilly, though, walking around a big stone church in the buff?
Andrew: Nah, the warmth of irreligious disrespect made up for it nicely.

I think you guys need to go home. I think Kitty’s in heat.

Alvin: Spying on the neighbours!
Andrew: It’s safer without Mortimer Goth around.

Science bros!

Alvin: Did she seriously hang out in our house this whole time?
Ally: Your house should be so lucky.

Alvin: Who was that pregnant cheerleader?

You wanted to thank her?

Alvin: What? No. Why?

Alvin: Ugh. Sorry Michael, not today.

I bet you applied for a grant for this, too.

Tish: Hi. I’m Tish.
Lucas: Lucas Perez is long acquainted with tish. You are not tish.

Lucas: Lucas Perez sees a beautiful woman coming to fellate him!

No, he doesn’t.

Lucas: No… he doesn’t.

Alvin: Look, Andrew, I don’t have time for your daddy issues tonight, okay?

So, you’re finally making a plan, are you?

Lucas: Pardon?

You’re already envisioning the first step!


Seriously though, he’s looking at one step? Well done, Maxis.

Lucas: Well done, Science Man. You have incurred the lifelong wrath of Lucas Perez.
Alvin: Lifelong wrath isn’t much of a big deal around here. Neither of our lifelongs are likely to be very long.

Unlike this chapter, which was too long by half! Next time: children and naked adults.

Probably not at the same time.

But you never know.

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