Welcome to the Pine Valley Chronicles, an ongoing neighbourhood story in The Sims 2!
Warning: this journal may contain uncensored nudity, violence, profanity and sexual themes.
Updates on Friday every week, and usually on Tuesdays!
Oh boy, more snrrzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.
I dunno how I’m gonna get through this one.
Ocean: Aquaman jokes?
Stinky Skunk: Scat humour?
I DON’T NEED YOUR HELP.
I can lower my standards myself, thank you very much.
Ocean: Bye robots! Enjoy your electronic sheep!
Fuck, are you still doing that? I’m beginning to hate coming here!
Stewart: Yeah, Leonard and I have been taking bets on how long you’ll let us live.
Well, let’s put it this way: you might not want to step out into traffic too often while I’m watching.
Yeah, because I’m really interested in giving you a family.
Maybe if we reach a critical mass of boring, it will generate an equivalent mass of anti-boring?
It could just be me, but there’s something untrustworthy about a black tube of toothpaste.
Leonard: It tastes like despair! And spearmint.
Whoah! What happened? Are you Leonard’s sensible clone, from a parallel universe? Did we accidentally generate you by reaching a critical mass of boring?
Leonard: I got tired of that haircut.
Oh, at least be plausible will you?
Brooke: Hi, soulless abominations!
Brooke: I alerted Captain Kirk, he should be here in an hour or so to destroy you.
Shadow: .oO(Crouching tiger!)
Sir Wally: .oO(Hidden hypodermic syringe!)
Shadow: .oO(What? Really?)
Sir Wally: .oO(DARE YOU RISK IT?!)
Shadow: .oO(Cut the speech bubble crap, bird. I know you can talk.)
Sir Wally: I just wanted to make you feel less unevolved. BAWK!
Yeah, get out of here! Get your boring ass to school.
…and leave me with the robots?! Hey! GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM THAT BUS THIS INSTANT!
WEDNESDAY: Should you not be on the conveyance to middle school as well, Master Leonard?
Leonard: I’m not in the mood for it today.
WEDNESDAY: I do not understand. Moodlets are exclusive to the sequel of this simulation. Do you perhaps mean your Needs? Or your Wants?
Leonard: Shut the fuck up, WEDNESDAY.
WEDNESDAY: Well. Who urinated in his stimulated poultry fetuses?
Leonard: Settling in well, Sir Wally?
Sir Wally: Got my mess maker, got my thing to shuffle back and forth on, life’s pretty full.
Leonard: You wanna bite me? We need some humour here. Pretty badly, in fact.
Sir Wally: Nothing doing. I’ve heard you and that hand doing unspeakable things upstairs late at night.
Back from SimAsia so soon?
Elizabeth: Played a game show, watched some porn, ran out of things to do.
Caryl: What’s going on here? Can we get involved? Can we get some screentime?
Roger Landchild: We don’t want to be part of this household. It’s only a matter of time before he kills them all.
Caryl: I guess that explains why they’re so horny.
Elizabeth: Suck, fuck and be merry, for tomorrow we die.
Haha, have you been reading ahead again?
Leonard: How about you move in with us? We’ve got lots of room, and beds, and robots.
Elizabeth: And a god who’s angry at you.
Leonard: Hey, if he’s gonna get you, he’s gonna get you. Location has nothing to do with it.
Elizabeth: Sure, why not. Maybe your brother can teach me naked ballet.
Leonard: IS THAT WHAT YOU KIDS ARE CALLING IT THESE DAYS
Come on, crashing satellite. Let’s go, crashing satellite!
Leonard: Glowing jelly gumdrops!
Elizabeth: Over our heads!
It must be love.
That’s a very convincing woman disguise you’re wearing, Eli.
WEDNESDAY: Hello? Hello, officer? There’s an illegal alien invading our home.
Elizabeth: Hey there! Mind if I pick you up?
Sir Wally: Sir! I damn you, sir! I damn you to hell, sir!
WEDNESDAY: Bring the SWAT team, I doubt she’ll go quietly.
Leonard: I’ve got a girlfriend! My very own, beautiful, intelligent, sensitive…
WEDNESDAY: We don’t need HER! We were doing just FINE without HER!
WEDNESDAY: Oh no! Phil! What have I done?!
Elizabeth: Mystical SimAsian crap!
WEDNESDAY: Master Leonard, you must vacate this table at once! It is contaminated, and must be cleaned.
Leonard: Okay, we’ll move over to the couch then.
WEDNESDAY: OR YOU COULD STAY AWAY FROM THE GERM-RIDDEN FOREIGNER
Elizabeth: I don’t think your robot likes me.
Leonard: That’s okay, we can get a second opinion from the other one.
Stewart: What’s in the bag?
WEDNESDAY: Miss Ku.
Stewart: What? Really?
WEDNESDAY: No. I am experimenting with imagination, and that seemed like a pleasant place to start.
Elizabeth: So I need to go back to Takemizu and get all my stuff.
Leonard: You don’t have any stuff.
Elizabeth: That’s silly, of course I have stuff.
Leonard: Elizabeth… there’s no easy way to tell you this…
Elizabeth: OH MY GOD I’M A TOWNIE AREN’T I
Leonard: Shouldn’t you be doing something, WEDNESDAY?
WEDNESDAY: Yes. And I am doing it right now.
Leonard: YOU like Elizabeth, right, Shadow?
Shadow: .oO(I GUESS so, since there’s already an angry cat character in the Quiet Legacy.)
Elizabeth: Look, WEDNESDAY, I’m here and there’s nothing you can do about it.
WEDNESDAY: Not until we get our disintegration gun back from Mistress Abigail, anyway.
Elizabeth: You wouldn’t dare.
WEDNESDAY: On an unrelated note, have you heard? Robots aren’t people and can’t commit crimes.
Leonard: Hey! You bit me!
Shadow: .oO(Yes, well, it turns out I’ve never much liked you.)
Stewart: Asia! Come over! Leonard’s girlfriend is here! She’s from SimAsia, and your name is Asia, so you’d like her, what do you mean, of course that’s how it works.
Elizabeth: I bet this is how Hitler felt afterwards.
Man, I’d forgotten about that outfit.
And I don’t see how.
Elizabeth: -punches through Leonard’s chest-
WEDNESDAY: Run, Shadow! The SimAsian She-Vampire has struck at last!
WEDNESDAY: Or maybe the animation bugged out for a second there.
Elizabeth: No, go with that much more sensible explanation you had first.
Hey, not bad! Get a little more money and I might have a Sim I actually like break in, kill you all, and take it.
FRIDAY: With incentives like that, who wouldn’t be motivated?
Stewart: Glad you could make it! We’re trying to reach an acceptable level of interesting just by sheer mass of people.
Asia: Then you’ll love that I brought my creepy weird old uncle!
Jessie: The triumphant return!
Walking isn’t much of a triumph, Jessie.
Unless you’re paralyzed.
Jessie: I’ll just make myself at home then, shall I?
Stewart: That’s not your uncle, is it.
Asia: Call the cops.
WEDNESDAY: AND HER HAIR IS PINK AND HER FACE IS MASCULINE AND SHE’S NOT FROM AROUND HERE AND I DON’T LIKE HER
WEDNESDAY: We must destroy them both.
FRIDAY: It is the only way.
WEDNESDAY: Stupid First Law of Robotics.
Yeah, I agree. This wouldn’t be much of a loss.
Shadow: .oO(I didn’t know we got the premium porn channels.)
Jessie: You didn’t, but I made some calls.
Leonard: What are we gonna do about this old dude?
Elizabeth: You could disintegrate him, and use his ashes as fertilizer for flowers.
Leonard: But mom still has our disintegration pistol.
Elizabeth: Wait, that’s real?!
Leonard: My mouth is tiny.
Elizabeth: All the better for you not to be talking, my dear!
Asia: Yeah, Stewart’s pretty great. I think we’re gonna get married some day.
Shadow: .oO(Married or buried, anyway.)
Stewart: So, can I go back inside?
FRIDAY: Why? You’re not gonna be any less dull in there.
Jessie: You are so much less dull in here!
Stewart: Thanks! Who are you?
Jessie: I was a one-pic joke back before you were even a gleam in your father’s eye.
Stewart: I think you’re supposed to say “my mother’s eye.”
Jessie: Don’t be silly, your mother never loved you.
Shadow: .oO(Oh god can we move on already?)
Jessie: Whoah, PDA! I’m out of here.
Leonard: I think we need to be in public for a public display of attention.
Jessie: No, I meant Pedophile Detection Alert. I hear the sirens, they must have found me.
Caryl Love: Are they still doing it?
Caryl: I’m afraid to look.
Jessie: I don’t know if I can help, sir. Did you get the serial number of the robot that kicked you?
Leonard: How’s she look from that angle?
Adolescent. Please stop this.
Oh, thank god. A reminder that there’s life outside of this hellhole, even if it is dead life.
Jessie: Well, I haven’t seen any mad robots stomping about in the last few minutes. Maybe we should ask that nice man over there, he looks safe.
Sean: Yeah, I’m pretty safe. You guys, though, not so much.
Jessie: HAHAHA! Fooled you! I’m not a friend to flamingos at ALL!
Sean: Holy shit, that guy’s a total badass! I don’t wanna mess with him!
Sean: And I want nothing to do with whatever’s going on over there.
WEDNESDAY: There is a necrotic behind you, FRIDAY.
FRIDAY: The countermeasures will take care of him.
WEDNESDAY: Oh yes, I know that. I just thought you might like to watch.
FRIDAY: Hey, is that sadism I detect? WEDNESDAY! You’re finally becoming human!
Asia: So Leonard! You’re a lot tougher-looking than your brother!
Leonard: SURE I’LL FUCK YOU.
Asia: I… wow, where did that come from?
Leonard: I skip to the end of conversations when I’m nervous!
Asia: But why are you eating your hand?
Leonard: I do that when my girlfriend hears me say something I shouldn’t have said.
Elizabeth: I’m surprised he has any fingers left, frankly.
No good can come of this.
Thankfully, no good is what we’re looking for.
Sean: This plastic replacement trachea is terrible!
Elizabeth: In SimAsia people wear dresses and do teleportation backflips!
Stewart: I WILL CHEERFULLY SLEEP WITH YOU
Elizabeth: Aw, you’re so much like your brother!
Jessie: If the pedophile police come, please tell them I had nothing to do with this.
The Grim Reaper: MOVE OUT OF THE WAY! I KNOW CPD.
FRIDAY: What’s CPD?
The Grim Reaper: CARDIO-PULMONARY DESUSCITATION.
FRIDAY: I got a promotion today. I just wanted to mention that while we’re all hanging around here doing nothing.
Love is in the air!
Hopefully a stiff breeze will blow it away.
Stewart: Do you want to play with my balls, Elizabeth?
FRIDAY: I’d better collect this stuff, it’ll be good for fertilizing flowers with.
Well, at least something happened today.
It wasn’t much, but it was something.
Elizabeth: Are they shaved? Because I don’t want to get my fingers caught.
Elizabeth: And also I hardly know you.
Leonard: And also that’s my girlfriend, Stewart.
Stewart: And also she looks like a man.
Asia: And also you have a girlfriend, Stewart.
Shadow: .oO(And also I am in this picture.)
Shadow: .oO(And also there’s a douchebag coming.)
Asia: I switched them all around! Now Leonard will call them by the wrong names, and they’ll all be mad at him.
You certainly do belong here, Asia.
Leonard: I hate sports.
Elizabeth: Sure, I like you just fine, Stewart, but…
Elizabeth: …I like you even better from far away!
Stewart: Alright, I get it, I get it.
Leonard: Your boring head doesn’t belong on your sexy body.
Asia: You think my body’s sexy?!
Asia: Just for that, I’ll put them all back.
Stewart: How you feelin’, Shadow?
Shadow: .oO(Like a vampire.)
Jessie: Would you like to come home with me, little fella?
Sir Wally: What, to the weird sports movie you came from?
Jessie: I’ll never understand you kids and your newfangled entertainments.
Stewart: THE DOOR IS BLOCKED
Asia: THE STAIRS ARE BLOCKED
YOUR HEADS ARE BLOCKS
Stewart: So, you were saying something about a crashing satellite? Because I’m in.
Elizabeth: Can’t you go be robot gross somewhere el-
FRIDAY: WE MADE YOU A TURKEY SO EAT IT AND FUCK OFF.
Asia: I’m starting to forget which one of these dudes I’m dating.
You too, huh?
Asia: Nice. Are you gonna wash my hair out for me when you’re done with that?
Jessie: OH MY GOD Y-
Asia: IT WAS A POOR CHOICE OF WORDS OKAY
Stewart: Hey, is there a ghost in here? I could swear I heard Asia talking to someone!
Jessie: Christ, don’t tell me I died when I wasn’t looking!
Jessie: Oochie coochie coo!
Stewart: AHAHA WHAT A WEIRD SUDDEN BREEZE!
Jessie: I can’t have died! Not in this suit!
Asia: Back off! I don’t want to get any of your ectoplasm on me.
Jessie: I guess I’d better go haunt my grave… wherever that is.
Stewart: Old people. They’re just too easy.
Asia: That was so hot, Stewart. You’re so hot.
Stewart: Yeah… you… too.
I’m not sure it means anything, but it’s neat-looking, so here you go.
You should just wear that all the time.
Elizabeth: But it might fall off!
Oh no! Not something to look at! Not in this household!
Asia: So, separate beds?
Stewart: It was WEDNESDAY’s idea, and I don’t want to talk about it.
All we need is one high-powered sniper shot, from across the street at the right angle, and our troubles are finished.
Most of them, anyway.
Look, I’m sorry, but just wait until the next time we’re here. It will be so cathartic, I promise.
Also I don’t owe you anything, so go to hell.
Next time: a fire, some tits, and a wedding.
So, not quite back to normal, but two steps in the right direction.
Because fuck weddings.