The Pine Valley Chronicles, Chapter Eighty-Eight

Welcome to the Pine Valley Chronicles, an ongoing neighbourhood story in The Sims 2!
Warning: this journal may contain uncensored nudity, violence, profanity and sexual themes.

Updates on Friday every week, and usually on Tuesdays!

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Insert clever insert clever noun here joke here.

Well, this is another huge one.

That’s what she said!

Because she’s a whore.


You know what I love?

I love it when a lot bugs out and I need to rebuild it from scratch.

This must be how insurance company architects feel.

Only worse.

Thankfully, I’ve prepared a new home for Kendra.

Kendra: I don’t want to live in a power plant!

Hahaha, no, silly! I didn’t mean the power plant! I meant the empty lot beside it.

Kendra: Ow. Ow! Stop kicking!
Michael: See? He doesn’t like you either.

Kendra: I might have cheated on you, Michael, but at least I never fucked my wallet.

Michael: Yeah, I noticed that, so I fucked it for you.

Michael: Well hello there, Michael Junior! Is your mommy a stupid bitch? Is she? Is she?!

Kendra: Michael Junior?! I ain’t raising no rapist.

Michael: But… but we agreed on that name!
Kendra: I never did!
Michael: No, I mean Michael Junior and I agreed! Who cares what you think?

Kendra: I was thinking of calling him Fuckmichael. It’s pronounced like Carmichael, but with more hatred.

Michael: You’re taking an awfully aggrieved stance for somebody who also took mad scientist dick up the ass!

Kendra: I didn’t take it up the ass, and it wasn’t even that big, so on a cosmic scale I didn’t even touch it.

Kendra: And anyway what was I supposed to do? We never do anything together! You never take me anywhere!
Michael: That’s because I don’t know any waiters around here who deserve blowjobs from my wife!

Michael: And also you spend too much money.

Kendra: I’m not gonna stay at home eating grilled cheese sandwiches just because you have a simoleon fetish!
Michael: Which reminds me, we’d save several cents per month if you’d stop grilling those sandwiches. What’s wrong with a raw cheese sandwich?!

Kendra: This is a waste of time. It’s like talking to a fucking wall.
Michael: I’m tired of playing Richard Gere, and you make a shitty Julia Roberts!

Michael: I wonder if fucking to a talking wall would be better.

Go downtown and see, they have some public bathrooms there.

Kendra: “Empty lot, some garbage, next to power plant, free of charge”? You cannot be serious.

Lots of growth potential! As long as you can breathe smog.

Michael: Have fun choking to death, slutface.

Michael: Don’t let the door hit your fat pregnant ass on the way out!

Michael: Make sure something nasty and terrible happens to her.

So, the usual then.

Michael: Now that I’ve gotten rid of that gold brick, let’s see about collecting some real ones.

This is not a particularly good start.

Ally: It was so nice of Michael to put a public park in his front yard.

Occam’s Razor thwarted yet again.

What do you want? There’s nobody to kill here.

Daisy: Leave that up to the experts, honey.

Daisy: Oh ho, speaking of honey…
William: With bees in. Feel the sting!

Daisy: Any time, brother. Any time.

William: Hi! I’m William, and this is Daisy.
Michael: Your sister?
William: What? No. Why?
Michael: I heard her call you “brother.”
William: Just a figure of speech.
Daisy: Yeah. Definitely. Nothing more than that. Mmhmm.

Michael: I don’t know what William sees in her, really.

His penis. Lots of times, very quickly.

Michael: Ha ha, but that doesn’t work. He’s not looking at his penis when they have sex!

No? Oh, I forgot, you just met William.

William: Let’s just say that if I go in balls deep, you’ll feel the tip on the roof of your mouth.

Ally:

Michael:

Daisy: Keep dating my sister, or I’m going to murder you.

I need more friends like Daisy.

Poppy: I brought a wingman.

THAT is a ZOMBIE.

Poppy: I know, right? I’m definitely the hotter one.

Poppy: Seriously though, of course it’s a zombie, I’m not a fucking moron.

Oh, I see. You just proceeded to your closest local dezombification station. Well done.

Carmen: Gawd, this free lemonade stand sucks!

Michael: Oh baby, let me invest in you. Let me invest in you hard.

Carmen: Geordi La Forge impression!

Poppy: I’m surprised the town beautification committee doesn’t have a problem with all these disintegrating zombies.

They would have, but they all got turned into zombies.

Michael: I see you’re admiring my disintegrated zombie.
Ally: The cure is certainly efficient, but I still wish I could have kicked her ass.
William: And I really would have liked to have shot her.

Poppy: Can you seriously not leave me alone for two seconds, Daisy?
Michael: Can you cut out the SCIA surveillance, William? I only embezzled that one time and you really haven’t got any proof.

Daisy: Bye losers!
William: Come on, Daisy. Let’s go not be lesbians back at my place.

Michael: So hahaha the guy who made that cure fucked my ex-wife a bunch.

Michael: So really he’s a very accomplished guy.

Carmen: Bye! I’m going now!
Michael: Well shuffle off already. That undiscovered country won’t discover itself!

Poppy: I’m still mad at slob zombie.

SLOB ZOMBIE! You just invented a new parody artist.

Michael: Let me see that watch. Is it expensive?
Poppy: It’s an assault charge if you try to take it off of me. I hear the bail for that is pretty high.

Poppy: Where are you taking me?
Michael: I know a crappy little place ’round the bend where they serve value meals.
Poppy: Like, for cheap? Because I don’t mind telling you, that makes me wet.
Michael: We can get married on the way back.

Fresh Fare! I don’t know if we’ve been here before, but it sucks so I don’t care.

Michael: I’m so glad I found you, Poppy!
Poppy: I’m still a lesbian, lest you forget.

Amin: So that’s what’s making her so hot.

Michael: But we were meant to b-
Autumn: ARGLEBARGLEBARGLEBARGLE
Poppy: I don’t know how to do that!

Autumn: Poppy, how could you?!
Poppy: Hahaha who are you.

Michael: THAT’S MY GIRLFRIEND YOU NUMPTY

Poppy: Woo! Yeah! But this isn’t binding or anything, Michael.

-SMASH-

Cory: It’s okay, I’m wearing my blunder-proof vest!

Autumn: Eat asphalt, nancy boy!
Michael: Why? I’ve still got my wallet. I can still have dinner.

Michael: AND I CAN STILL KICK YOUR ASS

Poppy: That’s it, Michael! You show her! Autumn’s OVER!

Poppy: It’s winter now.

George: Run, you fool! The four-armed smoke monster is coming!

George: And it’s already defeated that pale woman!

Michael: I’m a woman? At least I have genitals.
George: What? I have genitals too.
Michael: NOT ACCORDING TO A CERTAIN GERMAN SCIENTIST I KNOW.

(I don’t remember what this joke was supposed to be about. Please, if you figure it out, tell me…)

Autumn: Fuck you, Poppy. We’re done.

Poppy: Oh. Good!

Poppy: Because I still can’t remember who you are.

Poppy: What? What’s wrong?
Michael: It’s just… it’s just I can’t make out with you while I can see that white trash heap over there.

A perfectly logical thing to do in front of a driveway.

God, haven’t you guys seen Chapter…

Oh. Wait. No, haha, you haven’t.

Heheheh.

Kitty: WELL IF IT ISN’T MY BEST FRIEND GUYIDON’TKNOW
Michael: I don’t go by my aboriginal name anymore.

Michael: I like to pretend to be black.
Poppy: I like dessert.
Kitty: I like how you just stole my table.

Poppy: It was pretty awesome, wasn’t it?

Ryan Rusecwicz: Oh, doublebarf! That girl is like fifty heartcrossedouts!

Imagine what a Sims social media site must look like…

Hi Emily! Long time no see!

Emily McCarthy: What? We haven’t met, have we?

Sure we have! But you’ve been dead for so long that…

…oh, wait a second, I’m getting ahead of myself again aren’t I? Nevermind, then. You’ll see.

You’ll see.

Emily: Whatever.

Nameless Waitress: So that’s fried chicken for sir, and nectarine tartlette for madame? Should I bring the crash cart over too, just in case?

Pretty big talk for a nameless waitress.

Michael: Isn’t this romantic?
Poppy: It’s not bad, but it lacks a certain something.
Michael: I’ve got coupons.
Poppy: That’s it!

Ryan: Mind if I join you?
Michael: Yes.
Ryan: What was that? I didn’t care.

Poppy: Michael! So soon?!
Ryan: Is this your first date? You totally shouldn’t take it then, you don’t know him well enough yet.

Ryan: I’m serious, think it over first.

Poppy: I don’t know what to say?
Ryan: She appreciates the sentiment, buddy, but things have been really difficult for her since the divorce.
Poppy: What divorce? I’ve never been married before.
Ryan: And she doesnt know if she can offer you the commitment you’re looking for.

Poppy: Oh, Michael, it’s beautiful!
Ryan: She’s just not that into you, Mark. Come on, Pepper. We’re going.

Michael: Well, that was memorable.

Michael: Wanna go back to my place and have legitimate, non-adulterous sex?
Poppy: So weird and kinky!

Hmm. Truck, diner, fried chicken… all we need is a dog and we’ve got ourselves a one-dimensional joke about country music!

Because seriously, try harder guys.

No! Not you! You try less hard! Fuck, it’s been like twenty years, how are you still limping around?!

Demi: It’s taken me this long to get here from the Charnel House. You try running with no ankles.

Michael: I’m happy!

Poppy: I’m so happy!

Demi: I’M SO HAPPY YOU’RE SO HAPPY OW

Poppy: Back up Michael, the street cleaner’s here.
The Grim Reaper: I LET YOU OUT OF HELL, AND MAKER HELP ME I CAN PUT YOU BACK IN.

Michael: So I was only half kidding about getting married today.
Poppy: Sure, why not? If you’re gonna make a big mistake, you might as well make it fast.

Poppy: I’m gonna invite all my friends! AKA my sister.

Daisy: Hello? Is there a wall here? A black lady told me a wall is marrying my sister today.

Michael: Pardon me, wet dream, but have you seen my fiancé?
Poppy: Very flattering, Michael.
Michael: …right, of course you’d know my name, you’re my wet dream! How silly of me to be taken aback like that.

I know a girl who would look great in that.

…aaaaaand there goes my motivation. But we’ve still got like a hundred pics left, so on with the suffering.

Daisy: So you’re gonna tie the knot? Can I help?
Poppy: As long as we’re clear on what that’s a metaphor for.
Daisy: Hangman’s noo-
Poppy: Wedding.
Daisy: -ding, wedding, right, that’s what I was saying.

Poppy: I got him the best wedding gift no money can buy: free money in flower form.

He’ll love it.

Classy marriagemobile. But where are the tin cans tied to the back bumper?

Michael: I turned them in for scrap value.

Well of course you did.

Michael: Man, she looks like a million bucks!
Daisy: YOU STAY AWAY FROM OUR MILLION BUCKS.

Michael: You guys are rich though, right?
Daisy: Oh hell yeah! We’re from old money.
Michael: What? You can’t be, you’re not related to any of the founders or anything.
Daisy: Well, technically… don’t think about it too closely.

Michael: As long as I’m getting money out of the deal, I don’t give a shit.

Cameron: We should totally have a pregnancy party! When you’re pregnant.
Poppy: Yeah, because looking like you do right now is definitely something to celebrate.

Daisy: Nice mafia suit, Michael. Are you gonna make me an offer I can’t refuse?
Michael: Hell no! I prefer to make offers people can refuse, but ultimately won’t. It’s cheaper.

Jack Player: Awesome, a BDSM party! Can I join? I brought my whip. EVERYWHERE.

Poppy: Alright you fuckers, listen up! Marriage in five, move it or lose it!
Michael: I like your take-charge attitude.
Poppy: FUCKERS DON’T TALK BACK, MICHAEL!

Fuckers don’t do shit, apparently.

Watch out! Your stupid brain fire will set off the stupid brain fire alarm!

Michael: I thought that was just a normal fire alarm.

What, in a church? No, stupid brain fire is much more common here.

Michael: You’re supposed to watch from the pews, Daisy.
Daisy: But then how will I loom ominously?

Cameron: You’d better hurry this shit up, because I didn’t bring a suit for the baby that is about to pop out of me.

Michael: A bit sexy for weddingwear, don’t you think?
Poppy: When you say those vows, I want you to mean them.

Cameron: Hi guys! What’s up?
Michael: Getting married?
Cameron: Well that’s weird, I’m already married!

Poppy: Why did we invite these people?
Michael: Because we’re jerks who don’t have any friends.
Poppy: Oh. Right.

Michael: Poppy, will you be friendless jerks with me?
Poppy: Only if you’ll be friendless jerks with me!
Gretchen: Jesus, no wonder you jerks don’t have any friends.

Out of the frame, you.

Cameron: What are they talking about in there? It can’t be much more boring than this.

I appreciate your matching dresses, Daisy.

Daisy: The trick is to find something inappropriate for all occasions.

Michael: I still wish you’d told me how much that watch cost.
Poppy: A girl needs to have some secrets.
Michael: Not if she expects me to do her taxes, she doesn’t.

Gretchen: Is it over yet? I found this in a dumpster out back.

Michael: I now pronounce you Poppy Whittaker.
Poppy: That’s not how you pronounce “boss”!

Yes, yes, I remember, I remember! God, game, I only have so many rifles and axes!

Caryl: Can I sit next to you?
Gretchen: That depends. How much of you will stay on the pew when you get up again?

Ladies and gentlemen, may I present to you… a badly-centred image.

What with all the zombies and everything, I figured this chapter must be a tribute to our storied past.

Michael: Jeeeeesus. She’s still hot when we’re married! I might not even need to fuck any single chicks now.
Poppy: Don’t break with tradition for my benefit, honey.

Cameron: Yeah! Woo! Concentrating the dull people together in one household! I approve!

Caryl: It’s over already? God, you people are so inconsiderate! Don’t you know this place isn’t fully zombie-accessible? I had to crawl all the way up those front steps! I should make this a human rights issue, and then we’ll see whose brains get eaten.

Daisy: I wish there was room to conceal just one axe in this.

There isn’t even room for imagination in there!

Poppy: Hey, so you know my sister?
Michael: The dangerous, homicidal one standing right behind me?
Poppy: Yeah!
Michael: NO AND I DON’T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT

Poppy: She kills people sometimes!
Michael: New topic!
Poppy: I’ve seen her do it!
Michael: NEW TOPIC!
Daisy: No, go on, I wanna hear this!

Poppy: Like this one time, she killed her boyfriend. I think his name was Carl or Larry.
Daisy: That was Cecilia Phelps, Poppy. And it was before your time. You were still dead. Remember?
Poppy: WHY DON’T ANY OF MY MEMORIES MAKE SENSE
Daisy: BECAUSE I DIDN’T THINK THEM THROUGH BEFORE I MADE THEM UP

Michael: So, is the zombie one of yours or one of mine?

Michael: Mind if I talk to the little lord or lady?
Cameron: I’d rather you didn’t, I don’t want you two deciding on a crappy name behind my back. So to speak.

Poppy: Hey Michael! Hey Michael! Look how hot we look.

Michael: A picture is worth a thousand looks.

That one will be, anyway.

Guys! You’re being disrespectful to religion again!

Congratulations, nice work!

Jack: Who wears a dress like that to a wedding?
Cameron: Somebody who doesn’t want the groom to get cold feet.

Venkat: If he had, I was waiting in the wings.

Michael: That dress shows off your assets quite profitably, Daisy.
Daisy: That’s a high compliment, coming from you!

Michael: Just so we’re clear: I’m not gonna fuck around on your sister, so you won’t need to kill me.
Daisy: Jeez, how shallow do you think I am? I’m not just a one-criteria girl!

Poppy: She’s a complicated woman, our Daisy.

Yes. Various law enforcement agencies have entire groups dedicated to understanding people like her.

And some of them have entire groups dedicated to understanding her specifically.

Poppy: Me, I’m more of a simple pleasures kind of girl.

You’re more of a simple pleasure, too.

Daisy: Oh yeah, I should be in jail by now! But they can’t figure me out, so I’m free to roam the SimEarth. Maliciously.
Michael: It’s the only roaming worth doing!

Poppy: That’s a lovely dress, Cameron!
Cameron: You’ll forgive me if I don’t trust your standards.

Michael: So, HA HA, I totally didn’t believe all that stuff Poppy said earlier, HA HA.
Daisy: Oh? What stuff would that be, Michael? HA HA.

Michael: Um… the stuff about… how you kill people. Sometimes. Which is silly! Because you’re just a mild-mannered stranger from out of town who somehow got allowed into our gated community as though you’d already lived here before.

Daisy: Well MICHAEL. If this blowjob face tells you ANYTHING, it should be that I have NO IDEA what you’re talking about.

Michael: I think I have an understanding with your sister, Poppy!
Poppy: What? WHAT?! Say that again, exactly the way you said it!
Michael: I think… I have an understanding… with your sister? Poppy?
Poppy: Oh, thank the Maker. I thought you said you had an understanding of my sister, and that’s just too terrifying to even contemplate.

Poppy: I can go back to being sexy now.

Michael: Boy, I sure do hate that stupid lesbian.

What’re you holding against lesbians?

Michael: I’ve been holding my penis against one for quite some time now. And hey, thanks for phrasing that so weirdly, I couldn’t have made that joke without you.

We’re all in this together, Michael.

Michael: Okay, my lesbian, let’s go home so I can brood about the other lesbian some more.

Daisy: Yeah, I mean, are we fucking done here? Because if I don’t get out of these fucking heels soon, I’m gonna reach down your fucking fallopian tubes with both fucking hands and strangle your baby.

Time to roll on down the highway.

In our invisible truck.

Autumn: The way you rode that invisible truck was so hot!

Autumn: Well, somebody already stole your paper, and I don’t want to kick your garbage can in sandals, so I guess I’ll just drink this trendy power drink you left outside for some reason.

Poppy: Cameron was telling me about this! If you drink the cure when you’re not a zombie, you turn into one! We’ve got to warn Autumn!

Michael: Why?

Autumn: Uuuuugh… I think my housewife rag is too tight.

Poppy: I can’t believe you’re gonna let her turn into a zombie! You’re… you’re not the man I married anymore! Ahahahaha that sounds so ridiculous, I can’t stay mad.

Poppy: But seriously, we have to change her back. You’ve heard about the damage one zombie can do.

Yeah, the greenhouse emissions alone look to be staggering.

Autumn: Weird! Dead Bull makes you things!

Michael: Get out of here, Autumn! That was one of my super powers potions! I don’t want you drinking the rest of them, like this one I’m putting on the table right now, and becoming even more powerful and sexy!

Autumn: That curiously-overt mistake you just made will be your last, Whittaker!

Autumn: Unless I’m being cleverly manipulated somehow.

You’re not. Not cleverly, anyway.

Michael: Well, I guess this is goodbye.
Autumn: It sure is. Once I get my laser vision, buddy, you’re dust.

Autumn: Man, super powers sure taste gross.

Michael: Well Autumn, you might have beaten me twice, but I’d say killing you is worth at least three wins.

Autumn: I demand a rematch!

Michael: Okay, but I’m pretty sure I can beat the shit out of a pile of ashes.

Poppy: Cameron also told me that you can’t drink the cure below Gold Aspiration or you disintegrate.
Michael: Oddly enough, I’d heard that part already.

Michael: Take your time, sir. I want to enjoy this one.
Poppy: Yeah, no rush. She’s not going anywhere.

The Grim Reaper: WHERE IS SHE? GODDAMMIT, I CAN’T FUCKING SEE. WHY DO YOU PEOPLE ALWAYS HAVE TO DIE AT NIGHT?

The Grim Reaper: YOU CERTAINLY HAVE DONE BETTER THIS TIME AROUND. I REMEMBER WHEN I FIRST COLLECTED YOU. “WAH WAH WAH, NOBODY LOVES ME. WAH WAH WAH, I’M GONNA LIGHT MY ROOM ON FIRE! WAH WAH WAH, I KILLED MY SISTER ACCIDENTALLY.” SHE’S STILL PRETTY MAD AT YOU, BY THE WAY.
Poppy: What? What? Michael let go, what’s he saying?!
The Grim Reaper: DON’T MIND ME, JUST THINKING ALOUD.

Poppy: All this death in my armpits!

Okay.

Michael: Trust her, she’s telling the truth. Phew.

Autumn: Bye Michael! Have a good night!
Michael: You too, Autumn! Nice meeting you!

Poppy: Man, this lesbianism habit sure is hard to kick!

Poppy: Although going by the statistics, being a lesbian is a good way to rot and fall apart these days.

Poppy: Hominahomina, check out those curves!
Lora: If you want them, you can have them.

Gina: Hey, a playable! Quick everybody, act interesting!
Poppy: That would be an Oscar-winning performance, coming from you.

That’s Sandy Cho. I included this image so I could point back here later and say “see? she didn’t just pop up out of nowhere.

That’s Valerie Enriquez. I included this image because… you get the picture.

Lucas: Fat lady is pretty fat!

Lucas: You are lesbian, yes? Lucas Perez knows about lesbians. He has been sexing a lesbian’s sister.
Valerie: Well my sister axed up half a dozen people thirty years ago. Keep it up and we’ll see if that runs in the family.

Lucas: Okay! Is from old chapters probably, did not read them.

At least he’s not complaining about burglars.

Lucas: Ugly science man with my woman in my house!

Okay, never mind.

GAME! I THOUGHT I MADE MYSELF CLEAR ABOUT THIS!

You came here just to get a black version of a shirt you already have?

Poppy: Have you seen Michael’s house? It’s so monochrome, if you bring colours into it, the walls attack them.

I’m sure there’s a joke to be made about your use of the word “colours,” what with Michael’s first wife, but I’m not really the guy to make it.

Perhaps see if John Tosh is free?

Oh, is it Walk Like a Monkey Day again already?

(John Tosh would probably connect those two jokes.)

Okay, we get it, you’re still a muffdiver. At least you’re married to the most effeminate man in town.

Brooke: Why are you doing that?
Chelsea: Because I am pregnant.
Brooke: So why isn’t it visible?
Chelsea: Because I am vain.

She must be a lesbian.

She drives a truck.

Poppy: Help! I’m in the wrong dress!

Poppy: And it’s getting worse!

Michael: Christ, not you too. For the record, baby or no baby, if you piss me off I’ll have to toss you out. I’ve already established a precedent.
Poppy: So has my sister, regarding what to do with people who cross us.

Michael:

Michael: I will always love you, Poppy.

Michael: At least until your sister dies!

Michael: Oh! OH! UNNNNNGGHGHHHHHH!
Poppy: Think about subprime mortgage crises, Michael! THINK ABOUT ECONOMIC DOWNTURNS!

Michael: Wow. I’ve never lasted a whole fifteen seconds before!
Poppy: The sad thing is, that’s pretty good. It’s usually over before you can say “WooHoo.”

I give them… oh, about twenty years, give or take.

But I’m cheating.

Daisy: Good, good. Nice, flammable oil-based wall paint. Good choice.

Daisy: A clear shot from the roof next door, right through that window… good to know, I’ll keep it in mind.

Daisy: And to think, most men worry about their mothers-in-law!

Daisy: I should measure that tailpipe later. For rag size.

Michael: This was a good decision.
Poppy: And the best part is, he thinks it was his.

Michael: Money-hungry and manipulative? We’re gonna get along just fine.

Whew. Are you exhausted? I’m exhausted.

Next time: two teenage love affairs. I know it sounds terrible, but it’s in the service of something great later on. Would I lie to you?

Totally, but I’m not doing it right now.

Trust me!

You fools.

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