The Pine Valley Chronicles, Chapter Eighty-Seven

Welcome to the Pine Valley Chronicles, an ongoing neighbourhood story in The Sims 2!
Warning: this journal may contain uncensored nudity, violence, profanity and sexual themes.

Updates on Friday every week, and sometimes on Tuesdays!

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Back to university again.

While my real university work suffers because of it.

I hope you’re happy.

Hedonism ho!

Made the Dean’s List, eh?

Abigail: Yeah, it’s not hard when most of the university is dead.

Imagine how it was when they were all braindead!

Abigail: Hahaha, “imagine?” Imagine “when“?

Sid: I didn’t know Abigail got a roommate! And I didn’t know they let traffic signs go to university.

I see your point, Abby.

Abigail: Alright, Sid, let’s get it all out there in the open. I want your dick.

Sid: My Dick… Tracy? Car?

Sid: My spotted dick?
Abigail: With what I’m planning to do with it, it had better not be spotted.

Sid: Are you referring to my pee-pee?
Abigail: Not necessarily in those exact words…

Sid: Dick… dick! Yeah! That’s a much more age-specific kind of immature!

Deirdre: Chas Mayo smells like expired mayo.

Chas: Oh yeah? Well, Deirdre Mace is… hard to sexually assault.

Sid: My name doesn’t work like that.
Herb: Mine either.

Mine does! Boy, my Sims sure are grugly!

Sid and Herb: Yeah, fuck you too.

Strong words coming from Sid Witless and Herb… plantjokeguy.

Calvin Wallen: Right, right, I remember this puzzle from high school. I need a fox, and a chicken, and a bag of grain, and I can do this!

Calvin: I’ll never be a farmer, there are too many tough decisions.

Deirdre: So I’m guessing you’re a lesbian, because you’re too weird-looking for most dudes.

Some insults become compliments when one considers the source.

Sid: Abigail’s pretty, she’s not weird-looking.

Some compliments become insults when one considers the source.

Yeah, big accomplishment there.

Your average private school is unlikely to reject a world-famous immortal scientist, if given the chance.

Leonora: Hello Abigail!
Abigail: You’re standing in piss.
Leonora: And that somehow prevents you from saying hello?

Nawwaf: Wait! Wait!
Abigail: Science waits for no wang.

Leonora: God, Chas, you’re disgusting. It’s like you’ve been standing in piss or something.

Wendy: Is that Mad Scientist Abigail Young behind us?
Kea: I think it is Mad Scientist Abigail Young behind us!
Abigail: Save it for the zombie queen, ladies.

Melissa: What’ll you have, miss?
Julie: I’ll have pissed myself again, if I drink anything.

Sid: We’d better not stay here.
Abigail: Why not?
Sid: Because other people are.

I think we need to get you to a specialist, Abigail.

Kea: Are the Fighting Llamas a soccer team?
Abigail: I think there’s half a dozen Fighting Llamas soccer teams, four or five baseball teams, a couple football teams, and maybe some cricket ones as well.
Kea: Why can’t they think of any other names?
Abigail: They can, it’s just that all the sports memorabilia in this game is llama-oriented.

Abigail: Like practically everything else.

Melissa: Is she allowed to come back here?
Berjes: What do you think you’re doing?
Abigail: I want to find out whose keys these are, they’ve been here for fifty years.

Abigail: Man, Casual Gordon Freeman is hot.

Gabe: Why don’t you say that to my face?!

Abigail: Man, Casual Gordon Freeman is hot.
Gabe: Thanks!

Abigail: That was unexpected. I thought you were going to keep being a dick about it.

Gabe: A dick? You mean, like…a Dick Tracy?


I know, I know…

Yeah, I think this is how most people react to that stupid milkshake song now.

Gabe: I’m lactose intolerant.
Abigail: You’re lactose intolerable.

Ira: LOL! Would LOL again.

Yeah, I think that is how most people react to that stupid LOL meme now.

Abigail: We could steal her purse!

Abigail: We could steal the lights!

Abigail: And then we’d get away with it because we’re whites!
Gabe: Justice! JUSTICE! Noooooooo JUSTICE!

Wendy: Tasteless but true.

Wendy: Man, white privilege sucks.
Gabe: Not if you’ve got it!

Fortunately, zombie privilege trumps white privilege.

There’s always a bigger privilege.

We need to get you out of here.

Abigail: But I haven’t eaten yet!

I didn’t mean here specifically, I meant this neighbourhood. Before you start acting on these insanely irrational romantic impulses you keep having for ugly people.

Abigail: Sid’s kind of ugly too, you know.

Yes, but Sid is custom ugly.

Sid: My ugly took effort!

Abigail: Play your cards right and I might let you effort your ugly into me.
Sid: That should be confusing or disgusting, but mostly it’s just impressive. How did you manage to keep that one straight in your head?

Abigail: Well, my head is great. So, wanna go on a date?
Sid: My timetable says I shouldn’t, but my double entendre detection says fuck my timetable.

Abigail: Tickle tickle tickle!
Sid: Infantilization is so hot!

Sid: And so tickly!

Sid: She can’t be serious.

I don’t want to talk about it.

Sid: Man, what did I do to deserve a girl that hot?

With Abigail, it’s less what you did to deserve her than what you’ll do later to pay for her.

Sid: Aw, man! And I was sure that this one wasn’t a prostitute!

Sid: I like spaghetti.
Abigail: I like shaving cream.

Abigail: Ooh, ooh, or do you have a caulking gun? I’ll just eat it right from the dispenser.

Sid: What do we do if it starts to rain out here?
Berjes: Get wet?

Abigail: Maybe I’ll have the white sludge monster instead.

Sid: You’d better have some of your salad.
Abigail: Why?

Coy Gipson: Because now you can’t.

Abigail: I wanted plasticene anyway.

Abigail: I wish I was you, I bet I look awesome right now.

Sid: I’m glad I’m not you, or I’d have to be looking at me.

Matthew Castro: I keep telling you, I’m William Sharpe!
Berjes: And I’m telling you, we only give out free drinks for good bullshit stories. Come back with a rifle and two or three girls hanging off your dick and we’ll talk.

Abigail: Make a note of the preppy kid for me, they’re usually really repressed. And I might be in the mood for some explosive derepression later.
Sid: Are we stil on a date?
Abigail: Of course we are, why?

Abigail: This one puts up with a lot of shit.

So does a toilet, but you don’t see me dating one.

Abigail: I don’t see you dating anyone.


Abigail: And this guy looks like an actor playing William in a movie.

That’s… a black dude with blonde hair.

Abigail: Exactly!

The Unsavoury Charlatan: Unattended dinners, mine for the taking!
Coy: Funny story about that.


I haven’t used this stadium yet.

Much like the stadiums at all the real universities I’ve been to.

And I’ve been to a lot.

Abigail: Catch me if you can, Sid!

Warren Venable: I’ll catch her if you can’t, Sid.

Abigail: I’m way out in left field!

You usually are.

Leonora: The bathrooms are inside, Sid.
Sid: Don’t be silly, I’d just use the sidewalk like everyone else.

Abigail: You sure didn’t put a lot of detail on this side.

Because I never intended to use it.

Much like Sid.

Abigail: Well, they’re both about to get a lot of use.

I call this angle “other people’s Sim journals.”

Sid: This dream is hilarious! Until I wake up, when it’ll be so depressing.

Abigail: I haven’t been on a date in soooooo long.

Sid: I didn’t exist until last year.

Abigail: Well, stick with me, kid, and there’s a good chance you won’t exist next year.

Abigail: You’re in a league of your own, Sid. But can you go the whole nine yards?

Sid: I think… it’s closer… to six inches!

Sid: Oh, but wait! I get it now.
Abigail: Well give it to me, then.

Sid: What if someone comes?
Abigail: Then they’d better help the other one come, too.

Hmm. New life goal.

Oh! Hahaha! Goal! Do you get… actually, meh, forget about it.

Sid: I’m gonna-
Abigail: NO YOU’RE NOT.


Sid: I am! I am gonna grin like a douchebag!

Sid: What did you think I meant?

Abigail: …did I just… wow. I must have been really desperate for sex.
Sid: Where did my clothes go?
Conrad: It’s a mystery.

Abigail: Well, no sense letting a good naked go to waste.

You hold that dick the way Voldemort holds his wand.

Abigail: And I’m at least that good at using it.

Blowjobs… from… spaaaaaaace.

Sid: I don’t see why it should cost me more to buy my clothes back than it cost me to buy them in the first place.

Got some regrets about last night?

Abigail: What happens on Llama Field stays on Llama Field.

It doesn’t seem to have done you any harm academically.

Abigail: These people don’t have the skill to decipher a drop in my abilities. I’m just here for the piece of paper, buddy.

Ira: Herb is sleeping with Deirdre!


Oh. Ha ha.

Deirdre: Are you here to relieve me? Death watch is so boring!

Kana: I’m guessing you told someone your assignment was confusing, and they told you to sleep on it. And I’m guessing this wasn’t exactly what they meant.

Abigail: Look, Stephen, I’m annoyed that you called, but stay on the line. Stay on the line!

Abigail: Because otherwise this is gonna be the only university update we’ve ever had that doesn’t take at least a full chapter!


Penny: Well, he’s not bad. But I’d hardly call him victory.


Jerome: If you loved me you wouldn’t let strange men wander around our house.
Penny: That’s stupid. Why wouldn’t I let you wander around our house if I loved you?

Jerome: If I’m strange, it’s only because I’m so strangely in love with you.

Penny: Your naïveté is slowly becoming less adorable and more infuriating.
Jerome: Yeah, it does that.


Jerome: If you loved me you wouldn’t have two left feet.

Still chasing that architecture career, eh?

Jerome: How come the one I want never comes up?

Because sometimes this life simulator is eerily true-to-life.

And sometimes it isn’t. REAL PEOPLE don’t bitch this much about break-ins.

Their husbands, though, totally.

Jerome: Isn’t it nice spending time together? Can you think of anything better?

Penny: I don’t know why he keeps inviting these comparisons.

What’re you reading?

Jerome: How to Tell If Your Wife is Cheating On You.


Jerome: What? No, I love fiction!

Got Andrew on speed-dial yet?

Penny: Everything’s speed-dial here. We click on their portrait and it calls them.

Yeah, I wish the game made you memorize real phone numbers.

Because I hate fun.

Andrew: Man, banging an engaged chick. I don’t know how I feel about that.

They’re married now, actually.

Andrew: What? Really? Awesome! Now I’m sure it’s hot!

Andrew: I saved the world. I don’t owe nobody nothin’.

Penny’s upstairs. In the room they’re preparing for their child.

Andrew: Kinky!

Jerome: What an interesting book! I’d better not look up!

Andrew: He didn’t even look up!
Penny: Yeah, his ignorance is like an impenetrable suit of armour.

Andrew: So you’re gonna be a mom! That’s great, we need more good genetics around here.
Penny: What if it gets Jerome’s genetics?
Andrew: See now you’ve put me in a difficult position, because his skintone sucks, but I can’t say that because it might be construed as racist.

Penny: Well no, because you like Kendra’s skintone, right?
Andrew: How did you know that?
Penny: Because they don’t have blinds on their windows next door. Nice job breaking up that marriage, by the way, champ.

Penny: You should start a business!

That’s how I’ve always felt about him.

But perhaps not to that extent.

How are you two gonna fit in that tiny little bed?

Penny: We’ll just do it on the floor.

Won’t Jerome hear you thumping?

Jerome: Weird. Penny said she was gonna practice her mouth-to-mouth upstairs, but I don’t hear any thumping yet!


Jerome: Oh, there she goes.

Family Sims!


Maybe they’re like those dudes who are always talking about their girlfriends and being all suave and considerate, and then they dump them when they get pregnant.

Penny: Except I’m the pregnant one and the cheating one.

Yes, well, having a tiny dick can substitute for pregnancy in this case, then.


Andrew: What? I do.

Penny: Me too.

I thought William was the one with the albino mom.

Andrew: Yeah, but my mom is a geek. Same difference.

Be honest: your other Sim journals don’t do shit like this for you.

My birthday is in March. I enjoy video games and fantasy novels.

Penny: Alright, we’d better sneak you out now.
Andrew: Why bother? I could march my naked ass right past him and he’d think I was the local naked ass instructor, teaching you naked-assery for your lieutenant’s exam.

Penny: Ain’t nobody who can teach me anything about naked-assery.
Andrew: Yes, but I bet Jerome doesn’t know that as well as I do.

Andrew: I don’t need a ride across the street, Penny. This isn’t Get Smart. Or were you going to drive me to school?

Penny: I was going to drive you wild, actually.

Jerome: Oh, the car suspension tester is here! Finally! Penny said he was coming today.

Carolina Siew: Man, if my son was that ugly, I’d drive him to school too.

Penny: That’s one of the local public school teachers.
Andrew: Sounds like a much better match for Jerome.
Penny: Oh, but we wouldn’t want that, would we? I’m not sure we’d find each other attractive if it wasn’t adultery.
Andrew: Well, it’ll always be adultery for me, so we’re safe. My wife was the Zombie Biker Chick from Hell? Got her entire university killed? I’m not paying that much for a divorce.

Penny: And apparently she reads other people’s newspapers.
Andrew: Has she no shame?

Penny: Come back and bang me again some time.
Andrew: I’m always just across the street!

Penny: Yeah… you are.

Jerome: Another day well-spent! I bet Penny wasted it all on naked-assery lessons or something.

Penny: I’m pretending all the little branches are Jerome’s dick.

Nonsense, you’d never be able to see it at that distance.

Andrew: Man. She’s married. What a lucky guy!

Even though she’s cheating on him?

Andrew: I meant me! I’m the lucky guy! My pants get tight whenever I think about it.

Penny: Don’t you leave that marriage ruiner on my front porch, Andrew Murphy!
Andrew: Yes ma’am.

Jane Monif: Weird Science has left the Academy. Repeat: Weird Science has left the Academy!
Andrew: I know the SCIA is badly underfunded, but you sure are living down to it.

Penny: He’s not so bad in small doses.

And all his doses are small!

Jerome: Man, screw you guys.

Jerome: I’ma play with my womrats.

Penny: Alright, let’s get the nightly duties over with.
Jerome: What makes you think I want to have sex with you?

Penny: You have a pulse?

Jerome: I do, too. And it pulses only for you, honey.
Penny: Yeah… yeah. Me too. Mmm.

Next time: How to Untrain Your Lesbian.

It promises to be classy, if nothing else.

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