The Pine Valley Chronicles, Chapter Eighty-Five

Welcome to the Pine Valley Chronicles, an ongoing neighbourhood story in The Sims 2!
Warning: this journal may contain uncensored nudity, violence, profanity and sexual themes.

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This is one of the longest chapters I’ve ever written. It was almost two chapters, but what the hell; it should be worth it.

Last time in the Pine Valley Chronicles…

And also, for your re-education: from the desktop of William Sharpe!

Yes, I know, I know. It’s true, I am! You don’t have to say it.

But feel free.

Darryl: Don’t tell me you’re a bathroom hog, too?! I don’t know what the fuck is wrong with your genetics, woman, but I think your mother must have been a toilet in a past life!

“Cecilia”: Happy to be home?
Cowplant: .oO(Yes, this concrete basement is way better than that dirt basement.)

“Cecilia”: Man, I can’t believe William really killed that prick.

There’s always a bigger prick.

Speaking of pricks… yeah, the jokes write themselves, and my standards are just too high.

That is totally semen from a cow dick, though, just so we’re clear.

“Cecilia”: I’ll take my cannibalistic vengeance any way I can get it, thank you very much.

“Cecilia”: Well Peter, now you can’t say I never sucked you down.

I… you… well that’s true. He’s too dead to say that foul fucking thing you just said.

“Cecilia”: Man, that’s invigorating! There’s really something to this “killing your neighbours” thing!

It’s not wise to revisit old habits, Vicki. Especially the ones that got you killed with an axe.

Cowplant: .oO(She sure looks tasty with that soothing blue glow.)

If you ate her right now, I wonder… would that milk turn people into babies?

Cowplant: .oO(Science demands an answer!)

“Cecilia”: Well Science can wait. I feel like a million bucks! Who knew having Peter inside me would feel so great?

Well, I think Peter probably suspected, but he was likely using the term in a slightly different way from how you’re using it now.

“Cecilia”: AAAAAUUUAUUUUUUGH! I think he’s trying to get back out again!

Cowplant: .oO(If you don’t like what comes out, I’ll probably eat it. Just saying.)

Darryl: Gross women stuff is happening somewhere!

Darryl: I hate gross women stuff!

“Cecilia”: SO DO I

“Cecilia”: Oh my god! It’s alive!

Congratulations! I doubt there have been many successful forty-year pregnancies.

This is Nick Sharpe-Enriquez, although he’ll be going by Nick Phelps for now. He’s the son of Neil Sharpe, William’s dad, and Vicki Sharpe-Enriquez, Neil’s third wife, who is currently pretending to be Cecilia Phelps, Neil’s daughter with his second wife, Laci, William’s half-sister.

But of course you remember that!

Cowplant: .oO(So… I’m guessing you don’t need me to eat that, then.)

“Cecilia”: Oh, Neil… he’s gorgeous.

All babies are gorgeous. He’s gonna be fucking hideous when he hits teenhood.

“Cecilia”: Perfect! Then everybody will believe he’s Cecilia’s son!

True enough.

He’s certainly got the family eyes.

“Cecilia”: Alright kid, life lesson one: life is cold and hard and unfair. Just like concrete.

“Cecilia”: I think I’m going to be a good mom.

As opposed to a hot momma.

Chelsea: I heard screaming from in there. You didn’t get somebody else eaten, did you?

Chelsea: Wait a second. Was William’s murder plant… my murder plant?!

Chelsea: This concrete looks like there was a baby on it.

It must be nice to have those replicator fridges that can turn groceries into baby bottles.

“Cecilia”: Yes, I have no complaints.

“Cecilia”: You will not pointlessly kill this child.

But he ends up boring and ugly!

“Cecilia”: So marry him off to a tranvestite or something, just keep him alive.

I don’t know that I should be taking requests from axe murderers.

“Cecilia”: I can’t think of a better type of person to take requests from, actually.

Chelsea: Hey Vicki? Did you loan somebody my murder plant?

Chelsea: Aww, he’s adorable! And look at those eyes! Look at those eyes. I have seen those eyes before.
“Cecilia”: Don’t make me kill you too, I’m not that averse to getting a free house.

“Cecilia”: Remember, Nick, this is what we call a tramp. And we don’t associate with them. No we don’t! No we don’t!

“Cecilia”: Alright, I’m bored with him. What are you wearing.
Chelsea: I’ve got a concert tonight.
“Cecilia”: Symphony for Violin and Unrepentant Whore, I’m guessing?

Chelsea: Look. I didn’t know Peter was cheating on me with you, so I didn’t know you’d be mad that I was dating him, so I’m sorry I guess even though it’s not my fault.
“Cecilia”: Oh, that was ages ago, don’t be silly! Water under the bridge and all that.
Chelsea: So we’re good?
“Cecilia”: Sure, except I still don’t like you.

“Cecilia”: I’ve got it narrowed down to either your face or your face.

“Cecilia”: Not like your face, little Nicky! Your face is perfect.

Yeah, wait’ll he hits toddlerhood and his dad’s genetics take effect.

Nick: .oO(Mommy spiky funny.)

Darryl: It had better stay in the basement, I don’t have enough disinfectant for upstairs.

Darryl: Have you considered getting a hysterectomy? It would make things easier on all of us, really.

Darryl: I’m gonna close the basement heat vents, I think we’re already getting gross baby particulate on the counters.

Darryl: Oh, I’ve misjudged you, Vicki! I didn’t know you were going to cook him.

Darryl: Stuff the bits you didn’t use in here, I’ve got an arrangement with the garbage men, they won’t ask any awkward questions.

“Cecilia”: Stop following me!
Darryl: Stop making messes!

“Cecilia”: Think I’ll give some old friends a call, as a sort of public service.

Why is calling your old friends a public service?

“Cecilia”: Well, most of them have had some interesting life-altering events since I first met them.

Oh. Yes.

I see.

“Cecilia”: I have to go mail these bills back, just be a sec.
Adriana: That’s okay, I’m compelled to ring the doorbell first anyway.

Adriana: Although it doesn’t usually look this stupid.

“Cecilia”: So! Adriana. You’re looking… thinner.

“Cecilia”: Oh! Oh. Okay. That’s fine, I guess. I’ve got soap, so.

“Cecilia”: Step into my parlour, if you please.
Adriana: Draculaaaaaaaa.
“Cecilia”: At least you retain the important stuff when you die, I guess.

Darryl: Okay, now you’re just doing shit to spite me.

Darryl: Could you please try to pick up any bits that fall off? I only have this one pair of gloves, and I don’t want to have to throw them out.

Now there’s a blast from the past.

“Cecilia”: It’s like riding a bicycle; you never forget. The screams of agony.

Adriana: Boooooobs.


Scot Macarevich the Infallibly Good Warlock: Broooooooms! Whee!

Adriana: Paiiiiiintiiiiiings.
“Cecilia”: You’re an art lover? Well, that’s lucky!

“Cecilia”: Because I’m about to Pollock your face!

Adriana: Well that was graphic.

“Cecilia”: My arms are definitely out of practice.


Bet you’ve missed that.

“Cecilia”: I sure did!

Darryl: I’m going to need a bigger broom.


So I guess you’ve found a new use for your people-killin’ skills.

“Cecilia”: I still say I was framed.

I have pictures of you murdering half a dozen people.

“Cecilia”: See? Framed.

“Cecilia”: I wish Neil could have seen him.

I think your memories are a bit faulty. If you hadn’t died, he’d be on wife #5 by now and you’d still be stuck in that trailer park.

“Cecilia”: As opposed to stuck in this basement.

It’s still an improvement, symbolically.

“Cecilia”: I release you!

Nick: .oO(I must go! My people need me.)

“Cecilia”: Hahaha, oh yeah. Dead zombie.

It’s amazing, the things you can get used to after a while.

Brandi Bertino is dead, long live the other Brandi Bertino!


Ally: Bye, ghost cheerleader!
Kaylynn: Bye, non-character!

Adriana: Bye… paintings.

“Cecilia”: Bye, everybody.

Where you headed?

“Cecilia”: They’re opening the Apocalypse Museum tonight in the old Charnel Pit!

Indeed they are. I thought it was about time we memorialized our trauma somehow. It’s got artifacts and displays and a whole ton of pictures!

No, seriously. A whole ton of pictures.

“Cecilia”: So this is where it all started?

Around here, anyway.

I was gonna build a mansion on this hill.

That didn’t exactly work out.

“Cecilia”: When I died, I was married, and happy, and there were no zombies.

And you were murdering people.

Poppy: I didn’t know you were married, Cecilia! Who to?
“Cecilia”: Um… um… axes?
Poppy: Haha yeah you were crazy.

Poppy: I’m surprised they pardoned you, though, after all those people you killed at MNU.
“Cecilia”: I had friends in low places.

“Cecilia”: I don’t know who that is, but I have this really weird feeling we’ve met before.

Yeah, well… it was a very stressful situation, I’m not surprised that you don’t remember.

Poppy: I was dead when all this shit happened.
“Cecilia”: Yeah, me… not… too.
Poppy: You sound different than you used to.
“Cecilia”: What do you mean? We’ve never met, have we?
Poppy: Oh yeah. We just… I… man, something is seriously fucked up here.

You’re telling me? I can’t wait to go back to calling you guys by your actual fucking names again.

“Cecilia”: Wow, look at all this stuff!
Poppy: I don’t think museums are supposed to be mostly pictures of things that happened.

Well I don’t think lesbians are supposed to get so much dick, but you don’t hear me criticizing.

It’s a combination museum and rec centre! If you can consider using stuff once used by bload-soaked zombies “recreation.”

Those are genuine axes and ray guns, donated by the Sharpe and Murphy families. They should probably be in cases. And blunted and deactivated. But that can wait, right? What could go wrong?

William even donated one of his old rifles.

Maybe now the sheep can cull themselves.

The famous zomband instruments. I still need to upload that video, it’s terrifying.

And here we have Melanie Lillard, pre-Zombie Queen.

No, seriously, that’s actually her.

Presumably they washed those sheets first.

You don’t need to see these up close.

You already have!

Unless you started late and never went back.

In which case fuck you.

Poppy: I remember when Daisy was a zombie for a bit.

Yeah, me too.

I still wake up in a cold sweat sometimes.

That’s the SimVac William used to defeat Melanie after she murdered his parents.

The first time.

Or was it the second?

Good times.

And the zombie chocolate machine! Who could forget that?

…oh. I never showed you. Well… fuck.

Poppy: So you’re the guest of honour tonight, eh? I bet a lot of these pictures are of you killing zombies.
“Cecilia”: Yes. That’s me. Cecilia Phelps. Totally a hero, and not a psycho-bitch.

Kennedy Lind: Hey, awesome! They’ve got prostitutes here!

Kennedy: Some seriously ugly ones, though.

Stephen: Hoooo-wheee! My rage burns hot.

I think you’ve got it going a bit too fast, Poppy.

Poppy: If a fucking zombie was using it at this speed, I fucking well can!

Poppy: Or was this one of their torture devices?!

Kennedy: Oh, I get it! It’s performance art! You’re failing hard in the museum of failure!

Shane: Man, the costumed docents here are really convincing!

Cory: I can’t wait to see this load of bullshit.

How’s that?

Cory: All of the perpetrators are still at large. The serial killer is missing, the Zombie Queen is a fucking housewife, and the greatest mass murderer of our times is my fucking boss.

Wait a minute… are you actually a secret agent?

Cory: Shh.

Glen: Shanessssss…

“Cecilia”: Wow, the random number generator is really not on our side today.

Focus, dear. Focus.

Stephen: She was focusing, and you ruined it. Quit cramping my style, man.

Glen: Boooooooobs… butttttttssssss…
“Cecilia”: There are some compliments a girl just doesn’t want to hear.

“Cecilia”: And some sources she just doesn’t want to hear them from.

Shane: Man, axe-throwing demonstrations too? This place is so authentic!

“Cecilia”: Assume the position, Glen. I haven’t got all day.
Glen: Well excuse my broken ankle, I’m sure.

“Cecilia”: How about I make the rest of you match?

Kennedy: Can I get my picture taken with him when you throw it? The boys at work will be so jealous!


Kennedy: Whew, that was close! She must be really sure of her aim!

Or really unconcerned about collateral damage.

Either way, one sympathizes.

Kennedy: I would have thought publicity stunts like this were beneath you.
“Cecilia”: That was a real zombie.
Kennedy: Pfft, it’s so fake! Look, the fake blood bladder in his pants is leaking.

“Cecilia”: Hahahahaha! Hoo! He peed himself. That’s funny!


Cory: Except the blue corpse and the grey-cloaked revenant.
Stephen: You must be new here, buddy, that basically is nothing.


“Cecilia”: Why does everybody look so depressed?
Stephen: Glen was a pretty cool zombie. He beat up women and didn’t afraid of anything.

Shane: Great value, would muse again.

Looks like you’ve got fans, Vicki.

“Cecilia”: As long as there’s no copycats among them.

Accept no imitations! Except this one.

“Cecilia”: I’m cuter than she was.

That’s no great accomplishment, but yes. Yes, you are.

Cory: The agency will be in touch, “Cecilia.”
“Cecilia”: Did I detect scare quotes there?
Cory: You didn’t kill any normal people yet. There’s no way you’re her.

“Cecilia”: Goddamn meddling secret agents.

Yeah, but it was a goddamn meddling evil secret agent who got you this new identity.

“Cecilia”: And then I had to get him eaten by a plant. Does that sound like fun to you?

Tazama Vijayakar: It sounds like fun to me.

Your name is Tazama Vijayakar, nobody gives a shit what you think.

Stephen: Do you HAVE to stand on his face like that?

“Cecilia”: Since I probably now have my pick of men, after that display of courage and skill, I just want to make it clear that I find the gentleman in the wife beater utterly revolting.
Tazama: She noticed me! I’m in love.

Tazama: I have time for a quickie in the shower, but bring your own condom. I’m not made of money, you know?

“Cecilia”: I’d like to say a few words, if I might.
Tazama: With phat beats behind them!
“Cecilia”: Only if it’s absolutely necessary.

“Cecilia”: People of Pine Valley! You are safe from the zombie threat as long as I, Cecilia Phelps, live amongst you! You’re even safe from the threat of Cecilia Phelps, because I’m not an evil, crazy little redheaded brat who murders her step-mothers for no good reason. Anymore.

Cory: The phat beats really made that pop.
Stephen: I haven’t been this turned on since the high school swim team’s bus broke down in front of my house!

“Cecilia”: Could Peter not have gotten me a better secret identity? I don’t wanna be William’s jerkoff mass-murdering sister!

Let’s look at the other possibilities, shall we? You could have been… his jerkoff mass-murdering sister’s mother, his dull-as-dirt businesswoman mother (even more awkward), his shitty sister that I made commit suicide because she was so shitty, his other, much better, dead sister who is totally coming back eventually so that wouldn’t work, and… hmm… about a million random townie women, none of whom I would be willing to play. Even falsely.

“Cecilia”: But I’ve got the hots for him! How am I gonna work that shit out?! It’s not like the dude wants to bang his sisters or anything!

Yeah, that would be so ridiculous eh?

“Cecilia”: Hahaha, seriously? I don’t even know you!

Stephen: You know what they say, the best knowledge is carnal knowledge!

Uh-oh. Batter up!

Stephen: I don’t know what it is about you, Cecilia, but you’re a lot more attractive than you used to be!
“Cecilia”: Let’s call it maturity.

Stephen: I find you irresistible. You’re so dark and dangerous and mysterious, like a dumpster in a shady park at night!
“Cecilia”: So you’re the painting sort of artist, and not the poetic sort of artist, huh?

Stephen: I’ve come back from the dead to fulfill my true purpose!
“Cecilia”: Mhmm. Me too.
Stephen: Mine is banging chicks silly. What’s yours?
“Cecilia”: So far? Listening to jerks.

This must be a really fulfilling afternoon for you, then.

Tazama: Do you know any Nickelback songs?
Clay: Are you kidding? Can’t you see what a douche I am? I know all the Nickelback songs!


Stephen: It’s weird how it sometimes sounds like they’re forming words, eh?

Tazama: What’s the story behind this chair?

Well, you see…

I don’t remember.

“Cecilia”: I don’t know what it is, but there’s something about that guy I like.

Probably predestination.

“Cecilia”: What? What does that mean?

You’ll understand once the “pre” expires.


“Cecilia”: You’re right, Stephen! That’s eerie!



“Cecilia”: Whew, that last bit was definitely just gibberish. I was beginning to worry a little.

Cory: No wonder the Chief wants to masturbate to you.
“Cecilia”: If the Chief is who I think he is, he gets it honestly.
Stephen: Doesn’t anyone want to hear about my burg-
Cory and “Cecilia”: NO.

Alvin: You’re Scientifically unlikely so you’re not there.

Stephen: You’re not Cecilia Phelps, are you.
“Cecilia”: What are you talking about? Of course I am. See, I’ve got her haircut, and her glasses, and her clothes.
Stephen: And you’re referring to her in the third person.

Stephen: Calm down, I’m not gonna tell anyone!
Tazama: This bitch over here just fell down! I think she’s surprised that you killed that other bitch.

Tazama: Hey, look, it’s totally Cecilia Phelps! She’s got her haircut and her glasses and her clothes.

Cheryl Akagi: Have I missed the opening?
Cory: Yes. Come back to my place, and we can restage it. How are your legs at pretending to be doors?

Cheryl: …limited?

You’re late, dude.

The Unsavoury Charlatan: THAT’S WHAT I WANT YOU TO THINK!

Stephen: Hey, can you piss off? I’m trying to talk to… Cecilia, here.
Tazama: And I care why?
Stephen: Because she’s famous for killing people with axes?
Tazama: So?! Have you seen my life?!

Clay: .oO(Nerd.)
Alvin: Dipshit.

Melanie: One side, Snidely, or I’ll teach you the meaning of whiplash.

The Unsavoury Charlatan: It means an abrupt snapping motion or change of direction resembling the lash of a whip. There. Now we can spend that time more wisely, like, for instance, letting me steal your baby.

Cheryl: That is an amazing Halloween costume. You’re dressed as Lydia from “Beetlejuice Goes Biker,” right?

Alvin: Betelgeuse? Did somebody say Betelgeuse?!

No! False alarm! And don’t say that again, or Michael Keaton might show up and nobody wants that.

Melanie: Ugh. Too soon.

I don’t think you get to say that, when you’re the terrorists.

“Cecilia”: I was starting to think you weren’t coming!
Melanie: This whole thing is in bad taste.
“Cecilia”: You don’t think people should remember what happened?
Melanie: No, that’s fine. I meant your ridiculous outfit.

Melanie: Didn’t you look like that when you were at university? I think you did.
“Cecilia”: So?
Melanie: So some of us have moved on since then.
“Cecilia”: Yeah, most of us have, for a given definition of “moved on.” One that encompasses turned into a zombie by Melanie Lillard and shot to pieces with a machine gun.

Melanie: That wasn’t really me. I was a different person back then.
“Cecilia”: You and me both, sister.

Melanie: I just think people ought to be able to change, is all. Don’t get so worked up about the past. We all become different people as we live our lives.
“Cecilia”: Yeah. But most of us probably don’t become two different serial killers.

Stephen: Fantastic.

“Cecilia”: You’re invading my personal space.
Alvin: No, the building would explode if that were true.

Cheryl: Man! It’s so hot in here, but I can’t tell where the heat is coming from!
Stephen: Hey-o! Over here!

Tazama: Is this your girlfriend?! Are you gonna kiss her?!
Alvin: Well I was hoping to, but now she’s heard you say that, and she’s imagining it, and she’ll be throwing up in no time. So thanks.

The Unsavoury Charlatan: This is a wig, right? Can I have it?
Caryl: help

The Unsavoury Charlatan: Or should I take your soul? Or… hmm… yes… yes! That’s it!

Caryl: He stole my fat!

Cheryl: I’m not having sex with you.
Clay Dallas: Well, duh. Not yet. I’d have noticed.

Cheryl: I’d turn around, if I were you.
Nerissa Kimbrell: What, and have that rapist behind me? Fat chance.

Tazama: Hey, have you heard about Science?! I’ve heard that SCIENCE is really cool!


Alvin: You almost had me going there.

Tazama: Anyway, it’s getting really late. And you’re really boring, too.

Tazama: That’s what you call a double entendre!
Alvin: No, it’s not, but I’ll let the Iconic Hobbyist for Literature sort you out.

Tazama: Blah blah nerd things! Hahaha whatever.

“Cecilia”: I think you’re barking up the wrong bathroom fixture there, smelly.

“Cecilia”: Jeeeez. I think it’s in the porcelain already!

Alvin: Was that a real bottle of Zombifree-Z? Because they shouldn’t be displaying that, it can turn normal people into zombies.

Nah, don’t worry. That’ll never happen.

“Cecilia”: I don’t know if I can go through with this.

Well you don’t have to pretend to be the bad parts of Cecilia! You can do good stuff instead!

“Cecilia”: And have a maniac take all the credit for it!

Haha, yeah, that must be what the rest of U2 felt like.

Before they all sucked.

Alvin: It’s okay, Science. We don’t need friends. We’ve got each other.

And a weird anthropomorphization complex, too!

Alvin: No, that’s just me. Science doesn’t have that.

So, what did you think?

“Cecilia”: Any holocaust museum that isn’t dedicated to me is a good holocaust museum, I figure.

Joy: Hi goth lady!
“Cecilia”: Hi preppy twit!
Joy: How did you know what my friends call me?!

You haven’t got enough money for that.

“Cecilia”: I just want to talk to Neil for a bit. Tell him about his son.

Oh, don’t bother. He’s probably fucking like ten chicks at the same time in hell right now.

“Cecilia”: What? Neil wouldn’t be in hell, if hell were real! He’d be in heaven! If heaven were real.

You misunderstand me. He’s in the hell of those ten chicks I just mentioned. Which, coincidentally, is his heaven.

How’d the concert go?

Chelsea: About fifty dudes kept screaming “take your clothes off!”

That’s awful!

Chelsea: Yeah, there were hundreds back when I was doing rock music! This is crap.

Chelsea: And this is crap, too.

And this is Carolina Siew. She’ll become important later, for a bit.

Carolina: Was that a warning?

It was more of a spoiler. Sorry, you’re about fifty years too late for warnings.

Chelsea: Man, it’s good to hear your voice again, mom. It’s like you’re right here with me!

Ember: That’s because the game bugged out and I’m in your basement.

Chelsea: Yeah sure anyway, I’m becoming a famous musician just like you! Only without becoming famous by taking an axe to the head. I mean it worked right, but you didn’t get much out of it.

Chelsea: Have you talked to dad lately?

Ember: No! Get him on a conference call, and he and I can chat. In your basement.

“Cecilia”: Hi, bugged-out Ember! No hard feelings, eh? For… not killing you. Because I’m Cecilia. Boy, this is confusing.

“Cecilia”: I need to make my own image.


“Cecilia”: Well, for one thing, this hair is destroying my pillow.

Well, hurry it up. You’ve got five minutes before this buggy-ass neighbourhood crashes.

At least you won’t be tempted to talk to anyone.

Leonard: Well hello there, sexy mama! You’re looking splendid this evening!

Brooke: No. We’re looking away this evening.

Brady: At a bunch of dude ass.

Which isn’t a problem for you.

Brady: Aww, you remembered!

Leonard: Enchanted!
“Cecilia”: Uninterested.

Leonard: But we match! We match! How can you resist?!
“Cecilia”: I just close my eyes, so I can isolate your repugnant personality from your repugnant everything else.
Brooke: Oh, man. Swoosh. Basket.

“Cecilia”: Just for that, there’s a tip in there for you.
Brooke: Thanks! I’ll go spend it at this cash register where I live.

Shane: Hey sexy lady! You’re looking pretty fine, but have you ever considered looking fucking ridiculous?

“Cecilia”: Yeah, but I don’t think it looks good on me.

“Cecilia”: How about now?

I guess you were aiming for young and attractive? Because you sort of overshot that, and ended on “hooker.”

Cory: Hotdogs!

“Cecilia”: Hotdogs.


Hey Emmy! What happened to your hair?

Emmy: You deleted it.

Yeah, sorry about that. I was aiming for the rest of you.

Alvin: So, what do you charge for five minutes? I’ve got a bit of a stamina problem.

“Cecilia”: I think I can work with this “hooker” angle.

Put that shit back right this instant! But remember where you got it from, because somebody else is totally wearing that someday.

“Cecilia”: Apparently I brought it home instead?

Well go the fuck back and get some sensible clothes! And don’t listen to me when I’m thinking with my penis anymore.

Chelsea: Yeah, I’m definitely regretting how I let my genitals make decisions for me right about now.

Kiera Couderc: Is that even legal? Because I think I just saw your vagina.

Of course it is. The laws on indecent exposure were written back before Sims had vaginas!

“Cecilia”: Give me your honest opinion: how do I look?
Grant Majekodunmi: Like a dream that only my laundromat would know about afterward.

“Cecilia”: Well you’re ugly so that’s gross.

Grant: I guess that’s fair?
Kennedy: Hey hey! Who’s the nocturnal emission fuel?

“Cecilia”: I’m gonna go burn these clothes. Then I might be back, to burn both of you.

WEDNESDAY: Do you have anything in… bows?

Emmy: Hey, you’re pregnant! But weren’t you a townie?
Kitty: Yep! He moved me in!
Emmy: Wow! Any advice on how I can get moved in?!
Kitty: I don’t think I can help you. He doesn’t accept immigrants from the uncanny valley.

Kiera: A sound and defensible position! -gurns-

Kiera: I’m pretty on the inside.

No, on the inside only your disembodied teeth are visible.

Admittedly it’s an improvement over your outside, but still.

You’re not looking for underwear, are you? Because you might be better off with wherever the Incredible Hulk shops, if you are.

Amin: And this things stays that big all the time!

I hate you.

WEDNESDAY: Say! I like this red one!

You can’t buy it.

WEDNESDAY: Just because I’m a robot doesn’t mean I don’t deserve the same rights as normal Sims!

I meant you can’t buy it because none of those models match the actual clothes.

WEDNESDAY: Well I’m still mad at you anyway.

You’re becoming more and more like a real girl every day, WEDNESDAY.


Amin: Did I miss the group weird-out?

Man, that is incredibly evil!

And that’s a competent followup.

Emmy Wade: Heading outside, are you? I hope you’ve had dental records made up lately.

No need. They’ll be able to properly identify him as nobody without them.


“Cecilia”: You don’t like it? I thought it was a pretty good mashup of our individual styles.


“Cecilia”: Do you think the hair works? I didn’t want people guessing who I really am because of the colour, so I went with a more orangey one.


“Cecilia”: Oh, are you just copy-pasting that so I won’t notice you taking your pants off?

Whaaaaaaaaaaat NO!


Witches! Feard denizens of darkness! Sadistic masters of the underworld!

Obeyers of traffic bylaws!

Gina Landchild the Atrociously Evil Witch: I’m atrociously evil, not anarchically evil!

“Cecilia”: Hi stalker warlock! Still stalking us?
Scot Macarevich the Infallibly Good Warlock: Gotta live up to the typecasting!

“Cecilia”: Hey, do you like my new look?
Chelsea: No.
“Cecilia”: But you haven’t even looked yet!
Chelsea: Is it still you under there? Because unless it’s not, then no, I don’t like it.

“Cecilia”: I have mixed feelings about this whole zombie-killing thing.

I have very clear feelings about you, naked and wet.

“Cecilia”: Can we stick to the important stuff, for now?

I’m trying, but you keep bringing up stupid plot shit instead.

Seriously. Vicki! You killed half a dozen people! With axes! Brain matter all over the walls! And then you made sandwiches.

“Cecilia”: I’m telling you, somebody made me do that! Why won’t you believe me?!

Because I’m the one playing the game, and I distinctly recall deciding you were an evil murdering bitch.

“Cecilia”: Every character is entitled to at least a little retconning, aren’t they?

“Cecilia”: Poor Adriana. Stuck in that hat forever. Next year it won’t be in style, but she’ll still be dead in it.

“Cecilia”: Oh yeah! That thing.

Nick: .oO(Yes! This thing! And all of the poop from its ASS!)

Chelsea: What’s going on? Why did I just wake up?

You must have heard the baby crying.

Chelsea: Only if he’s crying from inside my stomach!


“Cecilia”: Let me hold you up higher, so you can hear what comeuppance sounds like.

Nick: .oO(It sounds like HBO.)

“Cecilia”: You’re gonna have a playmate, Nicky! And with those genetics, you might not even be the uglier one!


Chelsea: Dead! Yeah, William killed him. Twice. Uh-huh. Yep, pretty awesome.

Chelsea: So I guess we’re gonna have to hide me behind the piano for a while.

Um… if you’re supposed to be Cecilia, then why are you going to your old job?

“Cecilia”: Because the game doesn’t think things through as deeply as you do.

Yeah, I’m pretty terrific that way.

Darryl: If I scrub hard enough, maybe I can mop up their presence.

Wait! Chelsea! Don’t!

Chelsea: Too late! Uncancellable interaction. Hope it was nothing important.

You left Nick alone!

Chelsea: Yeah, with the butler! So unless he up and dies, I’m pretty sure we’re okay!

Heh heh… yeah… silly me.

Like that could happen.

Next time: the butler dies.

And another one pisses himself.

It’s something, anyway.

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