The Pine Valley Chronicles, Chapter Eighty-Two

Welcome to the Pine Valley Chronicles, an ongoing neighbourhood story in The Sims 2!
Warning: this journal may contain uncensored nudity, violence, profanity and sexual themes.

Updates on Friday every week, and usually on Tuesday!

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This is about twice as long as a normal entry, because otherwise it would be two chapters about Stephen and Ember fucking some random townies.

This way it’s just one huge entry about Stephen and Ember fucking some random townies.

I think that’s better?


Ally: Why did you make me date that man-maid? Now I can’t concentrate on my work.

Ally: I mean look at this tub! It’s all full of grime and there’s this big black stain on it.

Ally: HOLY SHIT STEPHEN I’M SO SORRY

Ember: Morning Darryl.
Darryl: Only for lazy rich bitches. It’s practically afternoon for the rest of us.

Ember: Go hang with the rest of the help, Ally. I need to take a rich bitch caviar shit.

Ally: Calm down lady, we’ve both slid up and down on the same your husband’s dick.

Ember: That one took me a second.

Ember: Did you fuck Ally? I don’t remember!
Stephen: It was university, you’re not supposed to.

Darryl: I say we kill them in their sleep.
Ally: I’m not sure I can wait that long.

Ally: Why do you keep brushing yourself off?
Darryl: Because you keep standing beside me.

Ally: It would be a lot easier to get my work done without these goddamn employers.

Stephen: Off to work. Try to play nice with Ember, Ally.
Ally: I’ve never played “Nice with Ember” but it doesn’t sound like a fun game.

Ember: IT’S GOTTA BE MORE FUN THAN THIS

Ally: Dammit Mrs. Fox-Murphy, we just cleaned that thing!

Ally: If we’re gonna clean it again, we might as well use it first.
Darryl: I’ll just watch, if it’s all the same to you.
Ally: It’s actually a lot creepier, really.

Darryl: Ohhhhh yeahhhhhhh.

God, not another one…

If I could send messages to my past self, I’d send one right about now. It would say “that is a bland Maxis townie, ignore the fuck out of it.”

Hindsight.

That’s about how I’d feel if someone watched me take a shit.

Darryl: I think maybe we’re becoming too comfortable with each other, Ally.

I bet you’re not even thinking of any particular instance of that.

Ember: I experience all my sex at the same time, all the time.

I hope you don’t have a driver’s licence, then.

IT’S NOT THE SAME JOKE WHEN IT’S GOT A DIFFERENT PUNCHLINE.

Darryl: You’re supposed to be helping me, Ally.
Ally: I am helping you, Darryl. You know how much most dudes would pay to see me all naked and soapy?

Darryl: Just thinking about most dudes makes me feel filthy.

Darryl: So maybe I’m gonna need that tub when you’re done with it.

Well, there’s no accounting for visual acuity.

Any reason you keep idly practicing ballet dancing?

Ember: Yeah. We don’t have any poles.

Seriously, does that look like something you want hanging around in one of your houses?

You moron.

See? This is the sort of thing we want to encourage around here.

Ember: Hey Gerbitz! Do you know why I’m playing with you right now?
Gerbitz: .oO(To show off the fact that he remembered my stupid, stupid name.)

Ember: We do what we can to keep the murdergod happy, Gerbitz.

Ember: I look good from the side.
Darryl: You look good from the back.
Ember: Because of my ass, or because it means I’m walking away from you?
Darryl: I have to pick one?

Amar Straight: I love the smell of not football in the morning!

Darryl: Just seeing that dude in a picture makes me feel all dishevelled.

Ember: Oh, do we let the help use our things now? That’s very magnaminous of us.

Ally: I saved you guys from zombies like fifty times. I think I deserve a little consideration here.
Ember: Fine. You can have an hour off on your birthday to bake yourself a cake.

Ally: My birthday’s not for like thirty years.
Ember: So you’ll have lots of time to look up recipes.

Remind me to add your biological and technological distinctiveness to our own sometime.

Remind me to have you run down by a car sometime.

Stephen: Wanna scrub my back?
Ally: There’s a wall there, I can’t get behind you.
Stephen: Well if you climb in, and sit on my lap, you’ll be able to reach around.
Ally: While you fuck me.
Stephen: Hey, I’m no good at scrubbing backs, and I have to return the favour somehow, right?

Ally: You’re terribly consistent, aren’t you, Stephen?
Stephen: When you find a groove, you stick with it.

Ally: I want to bang this dude but I’m dating this other dude!
Stephen: I have a solution! Bang me, and then solve your own problems yourself.

Ally: Stop putting words in my mouth!

I’ve seen what you usually put in your mouth, words can only be an improvement.

Ember: Somebody must be thinking about sex, because I just had to walk in here and I don’t know why.

Well if we weren’t before, we are now.

Ember: Shoo, clingy maid! I need to dirty up the fixtures for you!

Ally: At least it’s steady work, maiding.

Ally: She didn’t shoo you too, did she?
Stephen: Nah, I shooed myself when you left. I’m an opportunist – her I can have sex with any time, but you’re more of a wild card.

Stephen: Anyway I have to go paint naked chicks for money.
Ally: I bet you’d do that for free.
Stephen: Yes, but thankfully I don’t have to. The world loves a bastard!

Ally: Oh, wow, it’s Ember-sucks-o’clock already!

I haven’t even moved you in yet and already I can’t wait for you to die.

Ally: You’re plotting to kill my new boyfriend?

Don’t worry, I might be plotting to kill you too in a few decades.

Ally: Why is that not something I should worry about?!

Because you haven’t seen how shitty your life is in a few decades.

Ember: I’m mad about broken batteries!

Darryl: I’m mad about the duplication of my duties!

Darryl: And the multiplication of my duties, as well.

Darryl: So apparently we’re just spending this entire chapter in the bathroom!

Yeah, I’m so glad I built you guys a huge house for this.

Darryl: Oh. She’s not in here. I just assumed.

And nobody blames you.

Ally: Skilling buddies!

Ember: Nope.

Ember: I’m gonna go rageface forever about nothing.

You must be an American.

I never knew these stupid maids
Would waste my time for hours.
For if I had, I think I would
Have choked them on their flowers.

Hey hey, it’s Cory Huffman Puffman!

Cory: It’s hyphenated, actually.

Cory: Wow, where did you come from?
Ember: My man alert went off.

Cory: I meant more generally – where did you come from? And are there more there like you?
Ember: There were, but I killed them. And absorbed their powers. Of hotness.

Ember: Speaking of hot, my loins are burning for you, baby!

Ember: LIKE MY HATRED FOR THAT RANDOM BURGLAR

Shut up about the random burglar already!

Ember: Okay, well, let’s talk about that nasty factory in Centreborough instead.
Cory: That “nasty factory” supplies all your electricity.
Ember: Ohh, that makes sense. We’d better not mess with it then, I don’t know how long my vibrator batteries last.

Cory: Maybe you could sue the oil company. They might give you some free samples, if you know what I mean.

Cory: If you know what I mean.

Cory: I mean that despite my natty attire and well-groomed facial hair, I am heterosexual.
Ember: Oh, you don’t need to reassure me. I’m omnisexual. I’ll do anybody.

Cory: Even people who, theoretically, arrange politically-convenient “terrorist” attacks for presidents with flagging popularity ratings?
Ember: Yes. In a blind taste test, nine out of ten vaginas preferred evil penises to the leading competitor.

Ichelle Almassizadeh: I don’t think I want any part of this conversation.

Thank god, I was already dreading having to type that name once.

Ember: I should warn you that I might suddenly eject a baby while we’re banging.

Cory: Not likely, my dick is long enough to push it back in.

Darryl: What the fuck? That’s my job!
Ally: Look Darryl, if you want to wear the dress, I’ve got a spare one in the basement.

Ally: By the way, your frustrated impotence is so hot.

Cory: You, on the other hand, are stone cold.

Oh Christ, now even the Townies can talk to people in the previous pic?

Cory: What? She asked me if I was hot in these jeans, and I said-

FINE RUIN MY JOKE WHATEVER.

We’ll try it again later.

Ember: Can it wait? I think I’m starting to get the hang out of this dude.

Heh.

Ember: Because, see, his penis is han-

I GOT IT.

I wrote it!

And it wasn’t very good.

I’m sorry.

Ember: Alright, tough guy, let’s get at that ooey-gooey interior.
Cory: Don’t… don’t talk about ooey-gooey interiors, please. You have no idea what I do to people for a living.

Cory: I kill people for a living.
Ember: Oh, sorry, I didn’t ask.
Cory: That’s okay, I don’t mind telling you.
Ember: No, I mean, I didn’t ask, so don’t tell me about it. Work shit is just so boring!

Dudes love chicks who can take them or leave them.

Except me. I just go for the second option, usually.

And I’m so lonely.

Ember: So, shall we go make the Maker jealous?
Cory: I’ve got something in my pants that should do the trick!
Ember: Oh hell yeah.
Cory: Five bucks! I swiped it from the paperboy this morning.

I could really use five bucks, most days.

Cory: So… this is clearly a room where you watch yourself have sex. Well, I mean, you watch other people have sex with you. Heheh.
Ember: No, you got it right the first time.

Ember: So there’s this lesbian with an ugly face!

IT LOOKED GOOD AT THE TIME OKAY.

Ember: She got in a big fight!

Ember: With Amy Winehouse’s corpse!

Ugh, too soon, too soon!

I don’t like to be reminded that Amy Winehouse existed.

Ember: Huh. Your clothes are still on. Usually hearing about lesbians is enough to get most men naked.

I bet it was the Amy Winehouse reference.

Cory: It was the Amy Winehouse reference. Uuuuugh.

Ember: Oh well, you know what they say: be the change you want to see in the world.

Cory: I don’t think they meant changing clothes!

But apparently your reflection doesn’t think at all.

Ember: Well go on then, off with your clothes.
Cory: I’m so flattered that you want to see me naked!
Ember: Why? I just don’t want denim burns on my thighs, is all.

Cory: Are you supposed to be glowing all angelic like that?
Ember: It’s very misleading, but yeah.

Cory: How do guys go on with their lives after dating you?
Ember: There’s no shame in suicide if you’ve got a good reason, Cory.

Ember: I know you’re creeping in down there, buddy.
Cory: I didn’t think you could feel it, my penis is a mod after all.
Ember: Well I didn’t have those mirrors installed for nothing.

Cory and Ember: HOLY SHIT WE’RE NAKED

This is only an appropriate revelation when one is dreaming, guys.

Troy Traver: Hey pal, nice assholemobile.
Stephen: Foreign brand names, eh?

Ember: Ever seen a collapsible rose?

Cory: That was amazing.
Ember: You should see me pull a skipping rope out of my ass.

Like all good husbands, Stephen brings a hooker home from work.

Hey, you have a certain generic blandness.

So naturally men find you attractive.

Cory: Man! Rose pheremones!
Ember: Are they making you want to have sex?
Cory: Yeah, but… with roses.

Lydia Love: Oh, Stephen! You’re so-
Stephen: BURGLARS
Lydia: How did you know what I was going to say?!

Stephen: Anyway I hope you have an adultery fetish, because I’m married.
Lydia: Of course I have an adultery fetish, they screen out everybody who doesn’t around here.

Ember: So, you certainly keep yourself in good shape.
Cory: I could say the same to you.
Ember: You could, but I’d get offended. This shape is phenomenal, buddy.

Cory: How’s the view from up there?

Pretty good, she’s blocking all the gross bits.

Bit of a delicate kiss, considering how you’re both naked and flopping around all over the place.

Ember: Foreplay is foreplay. The niceties must be observed.

Stephen: YOU’RE BREAKING INTO MY HEART LYDIA!

Ember: Well hung… strong muscles… I’m guessing you’re either a cop or a secret agent.
Cory: I could tell you, but I’d have to kill you.
Ember: You’re a secret agent, then.
Cory: Not necessarily, I’ve known some real jerk cops.

Stephen: Could you turn the ambient light up in there? I can’t see shit.

Cory: Oh yeah, baby! Kiss me like I’m a girl!
Ember: I need to emasculate you somehow, I mean… just look at that fucking thing.

Lydia: Do you think you could stop looking up my dress?
Stephen: I don’t think I could, and anyway why would I want to?

Yeah, it’s totally the TV’s fault, and not yours for failing to sleep in the perfectly good bed I gave you.

Cory: Are you stalling, or something?
Ember: No, I’m savouring. The anticipation is the best part, the actual sex is usually a letdown.
Cory: Gee, I can’t wait.
Ember: Oh, no. It’ll be mind blowing for you. It’ll just be a letdown for me. It’s like asking Tiger Woods to play at a miniputt tournament for kids; it might be gratifying, but there’s no real sense of professional accomplishment.

Cory: I appreciate how you compared my sexual prowess to kids playing miniputt.
Ember: Well, your putter is more of an adult-sized one, I’ll admit.

Cory: I think he’s taking extra shots of your ass for no reason, just so you know.
Ember: Hey, I’ll take pervert god over fire-and-brimstone god any day.

Stephen: Well if you won’t let me look under it, it’s serving no purpose for me. How about we just take it off?

Yeah, after all these years, I bet she really is that good.

Lydia: Why do you keep acting like I’m only here to have sex with you?
Stephen: Because you showed up at my house with boobs and a vagina?

Cory: As awesome as this is, I wish I could see what it looks like.

Imagine the best thing ever, and then imagine it’s shaped like two naked people making out.

It works especially well if you think two naked people making out is the best thing ever.

Ember: Which would be a totally sensible opinion.

Lydia: Boy, you do move fast, don’t you?
Stephen: You should see my wife.

Yeah, she should.

Lydia: Now this is romantic! A little evening air, a little moonlight…
Stephen: A little staring at your cleavage…
Lydia: That’s what it’s there for.

Cory: Do you keep doing it like this so I can’t slip my dick in?
Ember: Blue balls are one of my Turn-Ons.

Ember: There’s too much misogyny in the world, we need more misandry.

Stephen: Fucking finally.
Lydia: I would have thought having that church in plain sight would make you behave a little better.
Stephen: I got married to my first wife over there. Seeing that church just reminds me how much better it is to be married to a chick who doesn’t mind you cheating on her all the time.
Lydia: What happened with your first wife?
Stephen: I cheated on her with my current wife. All the time.

Lydia: How come this one is so much more understanding?
Stephen: Because she understands that all of the dicks are better than one.

Ember: But most of them aren’t better than this one.
Cory: What? Who are you talking to?
Ember: Stephen, in the previous pic.
Cory: I wish I had superpowers.

Ember: You do! You’ve survived on screen for this whole update so far, and you’re a townie! That’s got to be some kind of record!

Cory: That crack looks cracking from this angle.
Ember: Enough cracks about my crack!

Wisecrackers.

Ember Fox-Murphy: the reason mirrors were invented.

We’ve just been marking time until now.

Lydia: Can we take a break from all this kissing?
Stephen: Maybe I should show you my wife, so you’ll understand what I’m giving up to spend time with you right now.

Lydia: At least part of you isn’t complaining.
Stephen: He has pretty low standards, though.

Lydia: I see I’m going to have to work-extra hard to keep your attention.
Stephen: Yeah, that mime facepaint you’re wearing puts you at a bit of a disadvantage.

Stephen: Maybe I’ll just pretend you’re my own personal geisha girl.

Lydia: There’s too much misandry in the world, we need more misogyny.

Stephen: I wish you’d tell my wife that.

Stephen: Man, the Maker was right. You’re really bland.
Lydia: At least I’m not Maxis.
Stephen: Even Maxis skintones have some variation. You’re like a china doll, only I bet I can’t get any money for you.

Lydia: I love this playful banter!
Stephen: It’ll get a whole lot less playful if you don’t hurry up with the leg-opening, lady.

Cory: Jee-eeeee-eeesus, thank god you relented.
Ember: You might wanna slow the piston down there, sport, you’re gonna overheat it!

Cory: So this mirror was a fantastic idea.
Ember: I can’t take any credit. When you’re outfitting a sex room, there’s only so many things you can put in it.

Lydia: Tell me you’re not undressing me with your mind.
Stephen: The whole world would be naked all the time, if that were possible. No, I’m thinking I might want to take some pictures of you afterward.
Lydia: So you really are a famous artist? I thought that was just a pickup line.
Stephen: Really? “I’m a famous artist” is a pickup line? That’s like saying “Hey baby, I can’t afford to buy you dinner. Wanna come back to my place and fuck on a filthy mattress on the floor of the loft apartment I can’t afford to live in?”

Lydia: It gets me horny, anyway.
Stephen: Women.

Gerold: Come on, Tylopoda! Hop out! Nobody’s watching!

Gerold: Yeah! You did it, big guy!
Tylopoda: Not a word! Not to anyone!

Stephen: Christ, I don’t know why I’m bothering. There’s no relationship requirements for the invisible sex rug.

Yeah, but you won’t get the Want to bang her until you’re in love, or somewhere thereabouts.

Stephen: I’ve got lifetime Platinum, and what do I need the Aspiration Points for?

There. All the non-players should be thoroughly alienated now.

Cory: I take it this is the side door, for sneaking out after adulterous sex.
Ember: I was thinking of labelling it as such, but I figured most dudes could figure it out.

Okay, get out of there. You’re making me think of how awesome it would be to have two of you, and we don’t get clones until-
WHOOPS NEVER MIND

Lydia: Ooh, a backrub!
Stephen: Not exactly. Now, where’s the catch on this damn thing… uh huh…

Stephen: THERE.
Lydia: I’d protest, but honestly I’m far too impressed right now.

Lydia: This is all kinds of wrong.

How so? That’s my church, and as far as gods go, I’m a lover and a fighter. As far as I’m concerned you’re paying me tribute right now.

Lydia: Your lawn needs to be cut.
Stephen: How about we head down there, and you can mow it with your teeth. I’ll push.

Lydia: Oh my god, is that your wife? Pull back!
Stephen: Are you kidding? I won’t be half as turned on if I can’t see her while we do this.
Lydia: Are you guys swingers?
Stephen: I prefer to think of us as hitters.

Lydia: I get where you were going with that, but it had weird domestic abuse overtones.
Stephen: Oh, I’d never hit my wife.

Stephen: She’s a lawyer.

Ally: HELLOOOOOO? Down here in the basement!

Don’t care!

Still don’t care!

Lydia: So I just had sex with a married guy.

Don’t think of them as spouses. Think of them as partners in a sex firm.

Lydia: That was fun. What next?
Stephen: Photoshoot!
Lydia: What’s my cut?
Stephen: You don’t get one, townies have no rights.

Jeeeez. The Joker called, he wants himself back.

The power of purplegooglyhearts compels you! To snog.

Stephen: Aw, now it’s all personal and emotional. This is gonna affect my professionalism, I’m sure.
Lydia: You mean it’ll affect your picture-taking style?
Stephen: I mean I might need to keep the pictures for… personal use.

Seriously? For what you got, I’d expect a rose garden.

Ally: Won’t someone please acknowledge this?

Acknowledge what? Congratulations, you fulfilled your biological imperative. Now back in the basement, wench.

Ember: I don’t mean to be a bother, but…

It’s no bother! I always have time for a good Sim.

Their names will be Xavier and Wren.

Ember: Huh? What?

I’m running out of things to say about pregnancy pops, so I thought I might… change it up…

AHAHAHAHAHA “pregnancy pops.” The worst snack food ever.

Finally, an angle you look good from.

Lydia: How’s this?
Stephen: Tempting.
Lydia: I meant as a pose. For your pictures.
Stephen: Well I don’t want the pictures to be tempting, one dry hump and they’ll be ruined.

At least the farther away you get from her, the less Uncanny Valley she becomes.

And then you move in for a close-up and WHAM! you’re on the Polar Express.

Lydia: I sincerely hope not, now would be a terrible time for him to start vomiting.

Ember: Who’s that?
Ally: Some girl Stephen was fucking.
Ember: Seriously? Go Team Cuckoldry!

Stephen: These pictures suck, I think I’ll just upload them to the internet. Doggystyle fucking is basically the same as signing a release.

Ally: Zany diary entries!
Stephen: Nice try, but I bet he still doesn’t care.

You, sir, are correct.

Jihoon: I should have taken this one to a copy centre before I brought it over.

Wait a few hours and it’ll be up on Google Images.

Which is just another name for everyone else’s images.

Fucking Google.

Thank god, they reduced her to palatable size.

Now we never need to look at the real Lydia again.

Ahabawhah?!

Ember: Stephen’s taking up photography now, and he asked me to pose for him.

Hoobahwhoooh.

Ember: That’s what he’s calling this one, yeah.

Darryl: Blowing the deliveryman, eh, Brooke? You little slut.

Jihoon: So, are we gonna-
Brooke: NO.

Gawd, you too?

Ally: What? No, he just dared me to try rubbing my tummy and patting my head at the same time. It’s really hard!

Speaking of really hard…

Too much information? Yeah, I thought so.

Stephen: Stupid Ally, being all hot and boring.

I know, right? Pick one! Hot I can keep, but boring must die.

Ally: I hope you got some good shots.

He did. You can go back to university now. Remember university? Back when you were interesting?

Ally: I remember zombies and death and suffering…

Right, that’s what I said. Interesting.

Stephen: Yooooouuuu are so fatttttt right nowwwwwww…
Ember: Aw, you guys have a song?
Stephen: It was for both of you, actually.

Nothing like a little grabass sideboob, eh?

Stephen: I’ll have to take your word on the sideboob, but the grabass is pretty much okay.

Welcome to boobs town, where it’s always boobs o’clock!

How many o’clock jokes has that been now?

Too many.

And now, an important message about soccer balls.

Stephen: Rehearsing a new case?
Ember: Yeah, somebody lost their soccer ball in a jet engine.
Stephen: So they’re suing for a replacement?
Ember: No, the family whose house the jet crashed into is suing them.
Stephen: Good luck to them. There’s no justice in this country.

Stephen: NO JUSTICE.

You’d better hope not! Next time: a long-overdue death.

I’ll leave you in suspense.

Hope you’re comfortable up there.

Where I’ve suspended you.

It could be worse.

I could have expelled you.

I can do this all night!

But I choose not to.

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