The Pine Valley Chronicles, Chapter Eighty-One

Welcome to the Pine Valley Chronicles, an ongoing neighbourhood story in The Sims 2!
Warning: this journal may contain uncensored nudity, violence, profanity and sexual themes.

Updates on Friday every week, and sometimes on Tuesdays!

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Yeah, I skipped Tuesday. But in my defense, it was so I could skip an entirely different Tuesday later on and leave you in suspense.

You can thank me next time.

What a shitty butler you are. You aren’t scary or menacing or anything.

Kent: Want a pancake?

I mean seriously! So disappointed right now.

Oh, and now the kids are awake. Because we hadn’t had enough of an inauspicious start already.

See anything good in there?

Nathaniel: .oO(I keep trying to fill it up but they keep taking it all away.)

Some people just want to watch the poop flush.

Nathaniel: Clean clothes and a pot to shit in. What more could you ask for, really?

Enjoy it while it lasts, kiddo. Around here sometimes you’re the toddler, sometimes you’re the pot.

Nathaniel: And sometimes you accidentally shit yourself instead.

Kent: What have you done to this thing?! It’s only for pooping in, kids! Conduct your dark rituals someplace else!

Kent: It is a strange fate that we should suffer so much fear and disgust over so little a thing.

Oh, go dump it in Mount Doom already.

By which I mean the toilet.

That’s… just what I call it now.

For the purposes of this joke, anyway.

Amin: Well aren’t you the smelliest little bastard ever.
Nathaniel: .oO(Watch out! He’s not looking!)
Angelica: .oO(Damn these stubby little legs!)

Angelica: .oO(Thanks for almost killing me, asshole.)

Angelica: .oO(Luckily I have these 3ds Max primitives to ease my tension with.)

Nathaniel: .oO(It sure is nice of you to give me a bath, Amin.)

Nathaniel: .oO(…unless it’s WEIRD AND GROSS AND PERVERTED)

Look out! There’s a giant blue wrench about to hit you in the head!

I think you might be slightly exaggerating this particular culinary achievement, Andrew.

Cameron: If we’re gonna have a failbutler can’t we at least have a hot one?

Kent: No, but if you’re gonna start calling me a failbutler I’m gonna start starving your children.

Hey, that’s more like it! He’s learning!

Or maybe not.

Andrew: Do you think maybe he used to be a hospital chef?
Cameron: I haven’t seen anything in the paper about poisonings.

Amin: Why are all the fucking cans full?

Because I don’t even like taking out the electronic trash, that’s why.

Amin: Well FUCK IT THEN. Motherfuckers can pick up their OWN garbage.

Amin: Or maybe I’ll do it.
Andrew: Or maybe you should.

Andrew: I’m heading to Centreborough, back in a bit.

Amin: Then I won’t waste money on bags, the raccoons will have it all gone before he gets back.

Andrew: I could almost swear I saw a flying pig just now.

Hey, I never noticed before how unattractively similar those three buildings on the right are.

It looks just like Toronto.

Meanwhile, the opposite of unattractively similar.

Jerome: She’s alright, I guess. For a white chick.

Man, do you conform to any stereotypes?!

Asia: Is that Zombie Queen Melanie Lillard?
Shane: I think it is Zombie Queen Melanie Lillard!

Brooke: Man, Zombie Queen Melanie Lillard has sure let herself go.

Brady: Where? Where’s Zombie Queen Melanie Lillard?!
Brooke: Right there! Zombie Queen Melanie Lillard is right there!

Ember: Hi, Zombie Queen Melanie Lillard!

Jerome: Zombie Queen Melanie Lillard is not attractive.
Melanie: Well. Consider my heart broken.

Anthony: Where did she go?! I think that was Zombie Queen Melanie Lillard!

Venkat: You can try that on if you like.
Shane: We would be happy to help you.
Venkat: We would fight each other to the death for the honour.

Shane: Dude, no! Don’t tell her that! I think this bitch is a judge or something.

Anthony: Hey! Are those Zombie Queen Melanie Lillards? I mean, hotdogs?

Jessie: I didn’t know they still had Zombie Queen Melanie Lillard! They had that back in my day, too!

Shane: No, I’m pretty sure she was never one of the Harlem Globetrotters.
Venkat: Then maybe she was a baseball player?
Ember: Rock star.
Venkat: Look lady, we don’t have time to play Rock Star right now. We’re trying to figure out what we know you from!

Jerome: These aren’t… zombie hot dogs, are they?
Melanie: I don’t think so, but if they start moving on their own I wouldn’t recommend eating them.

Andrew: I can’t seem to find my wallet.

That’s okay, things are about to get a lot cheaper all of a sudden. Especially life.

Brooke: Pff, that’s just a regular zombie. She’s got nothing on Zombie Queen Melanie Lillard!
Angel: Zombie Queen Melanie Lillard is here?!

Angel: At your side, Zombie Queen Melanie Lillard!

Angel: Come back, Zombie Queen Melanie Lillard! I need to know whose brains to eat!
Melanie: If I’d had a few more people like you back then, there’s be no brains left to eat.

Shane: Oh, I remember now! She owned a record label, and Roy Orbison was her secretary.

Jessie: Life takes you to some strange places, kid.
Jerome: How come it took you to such a stupid-looking one, though?

Peter: Hey! Hey, Murphy! You an evil mad scientist yet? Because I can hook you up with some muscle if you are.
Andrew: I’ll keep that in mind, Peter, thanks.

Melanie: When you’re a celebrity you can’t even eat a hotdog in peace.

Veronica Wilsonoff: Wait, aren’t you Z-

Peter: If you ever wanna try Housewives Gone Wild, just say the word, evil baby.

Melanie: This is nice. You get zombiism one time and depopulate the entire neighbourhood one time and everyone treats you like a leper forever.

Jessie: Wow, I just realized… how come nothing has killed me yet?

Melanie: We tried to avoid stupid brains back then, they didn’t taste very good.
Jessie: Oh my god! Zombie Queen Melanie Lillard is talking to me!
Melanie: Fuck off.

Jessie: Sorry. Us surviving townies gotta stick together.

Melanie: Well, got my meet-an-old-dude quota all filled up for the day.
Jerome: You’re alright, Zombie Queen Melanie Lillard. You’re alright.

Establishing shot! Now that we’re done, and it doesn’t need establishing anymore.

It might be a suburban hell, but goddammit it’s my suburban hell and I’m proud of it.

Amin: Oh my god! I get it now!

Cameron: Let’s see if we can’t get you on your feet, little man!
Nathaniel: .oO(You think you can make me do anything just by flashing those sleek, sexy legs, don’t you mommy?)

Angelica: .oO(Don’t do it Nathaniel, it’s a trick! She’s gonna spend the next fifteen years making you fetch shit from upstairs for her!)

Nathaniel: .oO(I don’t know how I’m supposed to stand up with all this radiation poisoning I’ve got.)

Andrew: Okay, let’s start with the important stuff. Sci-ence! Can you say sci-ence?

I can see that you are gonna be a little heartbreaker.

Nathaniel: .oO(Your head looks stupid.)

Andrew: Science! SCIENCE! Look, if you don’t get started early we’ll never get you into CERN!

Amin: Maybe she just hates you.

Cameron: Ha! Fold up like a lawn chair, why don’t you! You must have gotten your grandma’s lazy gene.

Angelica: Dumbass fell down!
Andrew: Your first words! Well-chosen ones, too!

Andrew: Dammit Amin, can’t you take pictures of your gorilla dick somewhere else?

Andrew: Well come on then, say something!
Angelica: .oO(But there’s nothing else to make fun of right now!)

Just your average nuclear family.

Nuclear powered, I mean.

Amin: It sure feels good to get this fucking camera out of my ass.

This is one of those pictures you hang on your wall, so you can tell everyone about how first contact between the Bulbheads and the radioactive man-children of Ceti Alpha IV took place in your living room.

Just think, it was only a few years ago you were sucking out brains throught a straw and fucking a paperboy in a hole while his dick rotted off.

Cameron: Everyone’s got some skeletons in their closet.

Yeah, but most people haven’t got any in their stomach.


Angelica: Mommy ate her school.

Andrew: Very good, honey! But don’t tell the cops.

Andrew: Great, now she can talk. This place is gonna be a constant stream of bitching and insults.

No big change. I already give you that.

You pudgy yellow fucker.

Angelica: What a lovely singsong voice he has. Just like a girl’s.

Andrew: Those helium experiments are paying for your clothes and food, you little twit.

Angelica: Hmm. Sleep or baffle. Sleep or baffle?


Angelica: Sleep? Or…

Angelica: …baffle.

Angelica: THEN sleep.

Well, thanks for that.

I like them best when they’re not doing anything.

Cameron: It’s my burden to bear.

Cameron: Ahoy, matey! Do you espie what I espie? Why blow me down, it’s the S.S. Pastyass!
Andrew: You can’t see shit through that wall, Captain Scarface.

Nice. Now I bet you’ll put up captions, and expect everybody to read and comment on them.

Cameron: We’re going down, Mr. Henderson! Save the women and children!
Amin: Aye, aye sir! I’ve already got the bearded lady!

Amin: Boy howdy, she’s a hefty one too!
Cameron: I’m off to Davy Jones’ locker!
Andrew: Say “hi” to Orlando Bloom for me! Tell him he’s a talentless hack.

Andrew: Who needs pets when you’ve got bigfoots?
Cameron: Now you made it all offensive, so I guess we’re done here.

Andrew: Seriously though, that was awesome.
Amin: It can’t all be zombies and adultery.
Andrew: Well. There’s nothing wrong with adultery.
Cameron: What? What was that?
Andrew: I said I’m cheating on you.
Cameron: I hope it’s with someone nice, then.

Cameron: If he did really cheat on me, though, the first thing I’d do is I’d give you a three hour handjob because that ridiculous thing is just flopping around down there asking for it.
Amin: We could pretend that he’s cheating!
Cameron: My imagination isn’t that good. Have you taken a good long look at that fucking beard of his? We’re only together because I fell in love with him before he grew it.

I never see my butlers walking but they’re walking to places I don’t want them walking to.

Nathaniel: .oO(Get up, get up! The Great Interferer is coming! If we don’t find something to do, he’ll put us in a crib or force-feed us normal milk!)

Or he’ll walk into the kitchen counters and get stuck. He does that sometimes too.

Thank god.

Are you leaking those things?!

Amin: You’ve got a university degree, right? Didn’t you pick up anything about cooking in school? Because these TV dinners are getting a bit old.
Andrew: We had a dorm cook, but she was terrible. Mostly Cameron just made noodles for us while I banged her sister senseless.
Amin: How did she never notice that?
Andrew: Chelsea hasn’t got a lot of sense to begin with, so the bangings never took that long.

Kent: You need to get more tables and counters, I’m running out of flat surfaces to fill with TV dinners.

Kent: And I think you guys should buy more TV dinner mix, it’s getting pretty smelly in the bin.

That’s the trash compactor, Kent.


Kent: They’re dumb, they won’t notice.

Amin: How come you don’t have any souvenirs from Three Lakes?
Andrew: We do! I’m looking at it!
Cameron: If you’re going to stomp him flat, Amin, at least let me check our insurance policies first.

Andrew: My beneficiary is Carrot Top. That way nobody but Carrot Top wants to see it pay out.

Amin: What the fuck is Carrot Top?

Amin: Anyway, nice work with the kids today. Nathaniel’s been walking all over the house!
Andrew: That was Cameron. I taught Angelica to talk!
Amin: Oh.

Amin: Well, she hasn’t said a word since.

Lobster Thermidor, huh? You’re much better value than the real butler.

Amin: There’ll probably be a bunch of hairs in it, but you get what you pay for really.

Amin: And I find it tastes better if I cut my hand open first.

Amin: Mmm-mmm-MMM! We’re gonna eat like kings tonight!

Amin: Assuming kings eat off the floor.

Any reason you didn’t put that on a counter?

Amin: What? On a counter?! It’s not a TV dinner, dude!

Amin: I’m unappreciated in my time.

That’s okay, you’ll be unappreciated afterwards too.

Hey! No animals on the couch!

Then again, all the pet beds are full of kids.

Marriage: you’re doing it wrong.

Cameron: Whuh?
Andrew: Sky fairie complained.
Cameron: Sky fairie can go to hell. It’s hot in here!

Then what would I need to go to hell for?

What a perfect couple.

I need to figure out a way to screw this up.

Amin: Look at me, I’m Gordon Ramsay!

Amin: Don’t eat it off the floor, you daft donkey!

Oh my god! You are Gordon Ramsay!

Hey, how come all your shows suck now?

I just realized how awesome a fifty-foot tall one of these would look rampaging through the streets.

How about it, mad science?

Nathaniel: .oO(Mornin’ Angelica!)
Angelica: Ugh, leave me alone. I’m useless until I drink my morning radium.

Nathaniel: .oO(They say you shouldn’t eat crayons, but I figure if you’re already glowing there isn’t much that can hurt you.)

Amin: I’m sure we’d all have cancer from this glowy shit, if any of us ever lived long enough.

Nathaniel: .oO(I don’t WANNA have fun!)


Nathaniel: .oO(Because I haven’t had ENOUGH fun lately!)

Are you insane?

Angelica: I don’t WANNA shit!

Why not?

Angelica: Because I AM a shit! Why did I say that?!

You learn to talk in my neighbourhood, you learn to live with the occasional intervention.

Angelica: Ow! Ow ow OW! If you’re gonna keep assuming direct control, please don’t do it over the psychic link!

Nathaniel: .oO(I’ve got stupid kid problems that aren’t problems at all!)
Amin: How terrible for you.

Amin: Maybe the TICKLE MONSTER can help!
Nathaniel: .oO(Oh my god! Where did Amin go?! He’s always wanted to meet the tickle monster!)


And you’re fucking ugly, too.

Amin: Learn to find the joy in everyday, simple things, Angelica! That way you’ll never get bored! You’ll be intolerably boring yourself, but that’s the curse of all happy people.

Angelica: Holy crap! He’s right! I never realized how nifty this thing was before!

Nathaniel: .oO(Thank god the real fun is over so we can go back to the artificial fun.)

Angelica: I’ll never be bored as long as I’ve got my hand!

That’s what I always say!


Angelica: Haha my hand tastes like WAIT A MINUTE

You’re too young to have gotten that one, fuck off.

Amin: Sorry kid, we live in a post-Kids Say the Darnedest Things era. It’s par for the course.

Angelica: I wish we were in the real world where god doesn’t exist.

It’s not so great. Unlike you, I can’t blame all my problems on one person.

Angelica: This shit doesn’t taste nearly as good when you’re not high on smart milk.

Angelica: Oh well. Friendship. I guess.

That’s my motto!


Nathaniel: .oO(MAN we’re annoying.)

Nathaniel: .oO(But at least we’ve got style, baby!

Cameron: Wake up, sleepyhead!
Andrew: Unh? Why?
Cameron: Because I have to make the Maker angry.
Andrew: Go back to sleep, he’s already angry. He’s always already angry.

But I’m always open to getting angrier!

Cameron: Sho flee?


Cameron: I dunno, apparently that’s Simlish for “FUCK! I think I’m pregnant!”

Cameron: FUCK! I think I’m pregnant.

As a Canadian, I appreciate the gesture toward bilingualism.

Andrew: Another baby! Cameron, that’s wonderful!
Cameron: Yeah, your parents had to have eight kids in order to get one attractive one, so it’s probably for the best.
Andrew: I never knew you thought all my brothers and sisters were ugly.
Cameron: Well, not Faith. Faith turned out alright. Visually-speaking.
Andrew: I thought you said only one of us was attractive.
Cameron: Most people would be smart enough not to pursue that line of reasoning any further.

Cameron: Good morning, lumberjack!
Andrew: Good morning, Zombie Princess Cameron Price!

Cameron: Haha, remember that time Don ate your brother?!

Cameron: That was soooooooo funny!
Andrew: Not as funny as all those times I fucked your sister in your bed.
Cameron: What?
Andrew: You hear that, kiddo? Your daddy’s a baller.

Kent: Who says it’s your kid?

Andrew: Andrew uses Butler Repellant!

Kent: It’s super effective!

We already did that joke.

Kent: What joke?

Carmela King: I’m in a house!

You’re my SETUP SIM. Get the fuck out of this house!

Carmela: Hey, you’re the guy with the beard! Everyone loves the beard jokes. And you’re that chick who got all those people killed! That part was so funny.

Andrew: Goodbye, crew and/or equipment visible! Patch up the fourth wall on your way out!

Cameron: Who was that unmasked woman? I wanted to thank her! For bringing our paper in.

Cameron: She could have taken our fucking ugly butler with her, though.

Instead of the second storey of your house, apparently.

Next time: maybe some sex? I’ll leave you hanging.

How’s it hanging?


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