The Pine Valley Chronicles, Chapter Eighty

Welcome to the Pine Valley Chronicles, an ongoing neighbourhood story in The Sims 2!
Warning: this journal may contain uncensored nudity, violence, profanity and sexual themes.

Updates on Friday every week, and sometimes on Tuesdays!

Click Here for Previous Entries!

Twice in one week! Only this one is way better.

So yeah! Chapter Seventy-Nine was uploaded on Tuesday. If you missed it, un-miss it.

Alvin: Perez Household?! What the fuck, science ball! You’ve never teleported me before! Are you a magic science ball?!

You’ve been here the whole time. You were just at Deborah’s when I was playing her household.

Alvin: So I was there, and here, at the same time? How does that make any sense?

Where do you people keep getting this bullshit about sense from?

Alvin: Hey, as long as there’s tits and Science, I can live without sense.

Alvin: I’m here to suck tits and do Science, baby.

Alvin: And we’re allllllll out of Science.

Kitty: Your weirdness is funny instead of gross. I’d call this trading up.

Lucas: Chiquita, pleasing to be having your ancient sex goddesshood in my penis shack now.
Kitty: I’m trying to be mad that we broke up, Lucas, but you’re not making it easy.

Lucas: Is fine, Lucas Perez will angry for both of us.

I’m getting a little sick of the ol’ newspaper and trash can routines. Why can’t they piss on your rugs or leave arsenic for your pets to eat like normal people?

Prof. Johnson: I hold my hatred for you in my hands! It is invisible hatred.

Alvin: That’s okay, I’m not mad.

Alvin: So, you don’t mind if I make out with your ex-girlfriend, do you? In your bed, of course, we’re not buying our own. I brought my own sheets, though, since yours were touching you and that’s terrible.

Lucas: Is fine! Ugly gym teacher is no longer sexiest on the sexy sexy lady list of Lucas Perez! Lucas Perez is also trading up! Tradings up are happening for everbody!

No, some people are definitely trading down.

Ember: I’m not trading at all. I’m more of a hoarder.

Ember: Like a dragon. A dragon that guards its hoard jealously and destroys all who would seek to plunder it!

You guys really need to start a burglary support group.

Alvin: Hey, we match!
Ember: The seppuku will have to wait, I left my sword at home.

Alvin: That classy look really works on you! Not like the trashy bitch style you were rocking for the last fifty years.
Ember: I hate to admit it, but after fifty years of well-rehearsed pickup lines this is actually pretty refreshing.

Hey. You’re not done cleaning it yet.

Kitty: Yeah, I am. Those are just decals. Lucas bought them so he could feel disgusting on the can without actually picking up any STDs.

Well, when you put it that way, it makes sense.

…what the fuck is wrong with me?!

Alvin: Your left arm is pretty sexy.
Ember: I always figured it was my better arm.

Ember: Sweet holy SimChrist that’s disgusting.
Kitty: Hey, nobody invited you in, bitch. I do what I want in my own house.
Ember: Oh, it’s not you. It’s definitely not you.

Ember: It’s that.

Alvin: Hey there pretty lady, wanna dance?
Kitty: Sure!
Alvin: NOT YOU. Amateurs only.

Not much of a lesbian anymore, are you.

Poppy: Every dude wants to bang a lesbian. I think of myself as a sort of wish fulfillment fairy.

Lucas: The yellow scienceman is stealing all my women.
Kitty: It’s more that you drive them away with how awful and horrible you are.
Lucas: Oh, go fuck yourself.

Lucas: Since you won’t let me do it anymore.

Alvin: Invisible gender-reversed blowjob!
Lucas: Scienceman knows his Kama Sutra!

Lucas: But Lucas Perez knows his poppings and his lockings.

Well good for him.

I guess.

Ember: You guys feeling adventurous? We could try doing the hula!
Kitty: To me it just looks like you’re waving your arms vaguely and looking confused.
Ember: But I’m an advanced student, so don’t try to mimic me, you might hurt yourself.

Kitty: You know what I think? I think this dance is bullshit.

Alvin: I’m lost. I have no idea what’s going on here.
Ember: Now you’re getting the hang of it!

Alvin: I like getting the hang of things.
Ember: I just like getting the hanging things, myself.

Ember: How’s your hanging thing? Is it gettable?
Alvin: As soon as my girlfriend goes to work, it is.

Alvin: Hi Kitty! I’m not planning to cheat on you!
Kitty: That’s good!

Ember: There is nothing good about not cheating.

That’s a very civic-minded attitude! What would this place be without cheating? I ask you.

Alvin: Andrew! Your wife’s mom is trying to bang me.
Andrew: So what? You’re telling me you have a pulse?

Ember: My reputation precedes me.

Alvin: I’m not good with these things. How much do you usually have to pay a woman for sex?
Andrew: It’s usually free, unless you’re married to them.

Ember: Fourteen? More like… more like sixteen, actually. Why the fuck do these two houses have the same goddamn number?

I… I…

Wow, I got nothing.

Ember: Apparently Lucas has been stealing house numbers.

Yes. Yes, that is a workable explanation. I can live with that explanation.


At least you’re not still angry about that burglary forty years ago.


Ember: But it’s seriously hilarious that you never noticed this.

Fuck you, I’m gonna go fix it when I get home from work.

You’ll see it in about fifty years.

If you’re still alive.

And yeah, I’m writing this at work, what’s it to you?

Alvin: You don’t seriously expect me to believe that this woman is eighty-eight years old, do you?
Andrew: She might be eighty-six, I guess, I’m not too clear on the math.

Alvin: Anyway I don’t think I’m gonna go for it, I’m too much in love with Kitty.
Andrew: I don’t see the problem.
Alvin: I mean that I want to marry Kitty.
Andrew: Still don’t see the problem.
Andrew: Well now you’re just talking gibberish.

Alvin: I like you a lot, Andrew, but in very little ways.

Ember: Oh god the glare my eyes!
Alvin: Science is mostly an inside thing these days.

Ember: Decided to go au naturel then, did you?
Alvin: Nah, I just took all my clothes off.
Ember: Not big on the language of love, eh?
Alvin: If you wanna use the dead language of Science, I’m all ears, but no. I don’t speak surrenderese.

Ember: If I eat this, will my genitals do weird things like yours are doing right now?
Alvin: This is what it looks like when you’re not sure if you’re attracted to someone or not. I call it an ambivalerection.

Neologisms all up in this bitch!

Ember: Well look who came home! It’s the heterosexual man of the household.
Lucas: Lucas Perez is not a heterowhatsit by choice. If Lucas Perez could make love to another Lucas Perez, he would. But in this respect, science has failed him.

Ember: Making love to a Lucas Perez sounds pretty good right now.
Lucas: It is always pretty good.
Ember: No, if I wasn’t in such a raunchy mood I’d be screaming in terror right now.
Lucas: You are referring to the love songs ladies sing when they witness the majesty that is Lucas Perez?

Lucas: If the lady wants, Lucas Perez will make her sing all night longs.
Ember: I already had a thumbs-up waiting for when you inevitably suggested that.

Ember: I am Aspirationally inclined to find you attractive, even though you are hideous!
Lucas: I am written as being too dense to take offense at that!

Lucas: Lucas Perez is wrathful, chiquita. Why did you not wait until he arrived to begin your orgies of lovemaking? He was foretold by the magic of vaginamancy. He is the Mattress Mambo Messiah. You should have been preserving your genitals for his inevitable First Cumming.

Lucas: I don’t like sloppy seconds, is what I’m saying.

Ember: Seconds? Seconds happened like sixty years ago, just shortly after firsts. I’m on, like, sixty-seconds now.
Lucas: You are on minutes! Is impressive.

Lucas: Your corduroy jacket is like sandpaper on my skin, chiquita. Is like a poop full of toasted corn that leaves only blood and sadness in its wake.
Ember: Um… sorry?
Lucas: What for?

Ember: Thank you for not caricaturing me the way you’re caricaturing him.

It’s safer this way, nobody cares if you objectify men.

Lucas: Is fine with Lucas Perez. He has no objectifications.

Ember: Mind what you do down there. I’ve heard about you and asses.
Lucas: Then you have heard all that is worthy of being heard, chiquita. Between Lucas Perez and asses you have learned of all the wonder and beauty this world has to offer.

Lucas: Ohh! So juicy.
Ember: Why do I get the feeling you mean something more disgusting than that would usually signify?
Lucas: Well really, come on. Juicy? Juicy asses? What the fuck do people think that sounds like?
Ember: Good point. But your Latin is slipping.
Lucas: Lucas Perez does what he must to prove his point.

Ember: I’ll let you prove your point in a bit. For now let’s concentrate on the squishy bits.
Lucas: Is easy for chiquitas to say, they are ninety-nine percent squishy bits.

Yeah, it’s pretty awesome.

Alvin: My ambivalerection is becoming just a regular erection! It must know something I don’t!

And Kitty must know something I don’t.

Kitty: Hi famous lawyer lady!
Ember: I thought I was more famous as a recording artist.
Kitty: Oh, I don’t listen to big band or classical or whatever they were recording in the 20s.

Lucas: You are remarkably well-preserved, ancient chiquita. You are bathing in baby blood? You are drinking the souls of virgins?
Ember: No, god is just on my side is all.
Lucas: Shit. That definitely won’t work for me.

You got that right.

Ember: Whoah boy, easy on the dirty dancing! Even a healthy eighty-eight year old spine is still an eighty-eight year old spine.

Ember: Somehow I thought you’d smell more like shit.
Lucas: Why is this? Are you smelling like sex?

Lucas: Actually, never you minding. You are smelling like sex.
Ember: Sex smells like me, more like.

I’d comment on your taste in friends, but it’s not a lot worse than mine.

Yeah, I’m talking about you! None of you are reading this anyway.

(If you are, well… fuck you anyway, you can take a joke.)

Lucas: The second-last chiquita to romance with Lucas Perez made the last chiquita to romance with Lucas Perez into a dead person who smells and eats brains.

Ember: Oh well, it’s too late to back out now.

Ember: So I might as well back in! To your penis.
Lucas: Oh! OH! That was clever.
Ember: I have good writers.

Thank you!

Ember: Even if they are a bit self-congratulatory.

Yeah, I’m pretty awesome that way.

Lucas: Why we are sidewalk fucking? We should grass fuck.
Ember: Good girls don’t let guys fuck them in the grass, Lucas.

Lucas: Lucas Perez does not think you are a good girl, chiquita.
Ember: What, just because I’m cheating on my husband with a Don Juan parody?
Lucas: No, because you are a lawyer.

Ember: Good point!
Lucas: The point Lucas Perez is making to you, or the point Lucas Perez is giving to you?
Ember: The former. The latter isn’t so much a point as it is one of those huge log things that Scotsmen like to throw. You must go through a lot of underwear!

Lucas: Lucas Perez is going through much underwear. Some of it is even his.

This is the best way to see the back of someone, in my opinion.

Lucas: Chiquita, how are you doings what you are doings?!
Ember: I’ve been practising for longer than you’ve been alive.
Lucas: You are spelling it wrong! You are meaning practice, not practise!
Ember: Hell no! Practice implies learning. Practise implies professionalism!

Lucas: Is it just Lucas Perez, or is the scary sky demon watching our lovemaking too closely?
Ember: It’s because I’m here. There hasn’t been enough good sex in the journal lately, and he’s milking it for all it’s worth.

I’m sure it’s not bothering you.

Ember: Share the love, that’s what I say.
Lucas: DO NOT BE SHARING OF YOUR LOVE, CHIQUITA! Lucas Perez has a prior claim.

Ember: There’s nothing like patriarchal chauvinism for making a girl feel wanted!

Ember: Wow, sex in a bed?! I didn’t figure you for a traditionalist!

Lucas: Is somewhat preferable to poured concrete.

Lucas: Chiquita. Will you not look upon it?
Ember: I’m afraid if I do, it’ll disappear or something. Because that thing cannot be real.

Lucas: I must compliment you on your genital slot, chiquita. It springs back shut with almost alarming speed.
Ember: I had springs installed last fall.

Lucas: Your springs survived their first test, chiquita. Now let us test my springs.
Ember: In the bed, right? You don’t have springs in your penis, do you? Because I was joking about the vagina springs.
Lucas: Yes. Yes, of course that is what Lucas Perez was meaning. Let us not be silly. Ha ha. Is funny. Penis springs. Would be so painful! And expensive. And something Lucas Perez would later regret. So very much.

Lucas: Out with talk, in with cock!

Ember: Duck and cover, you silver-tongued devil!

And now, the funniest and most frightening thing you’ve ever seen. Ever wonder what WooHoo looks like beneath the sheets?

Ladies and gentlemen, my Fifth Symphony.

Lucas: Chiquita! That was… metaphysical.

Ember: I don’t know what that was, and I’d just as soon forget it happened.

Ember: Oh, for fuck’s sake!
Lucas: I do it all for fuck’s sake!

Alvin: Kitty… I think you left the stereo on downstairs.
Kitty: Oh… Professor Johnson… isn’t there some way… I can make up… the grade…
Alvin: And also your dance school flashbacks are questionable.

Lucas: Bad Kitty! Mewling at night when respectable gigolos are trying for sleeping!

Ember: Boy, that ten second rest really took a lot out of me!

Ember: You don’t seriously want to go again?
Lucas: The mother of Lucas Perez always told him: “Lucas Perez, you do not have terrifying weird spasm sexytimes with a classy lady and not compensate with normal, unhorrific sexytimes after!”
Ember: Your mother was a wise woman. Incoherent, but wise.

Ember: Uuuuuuuugh. Pregnancy.
Lucas: Lucas Perez! His seeds are magic, their speed is legend!
Ember: Yeah, this… this is not your baby.
Lucas: Harlot! You were sexytiming someone else while Lucas Perez was occupied with the musicbox?! You could not be waiting ten of the seconds?! Your name should be Cecilia, chiquita, and two Jewish men should be writing catchy songs about you!

Ember: So now you’ve ruined Simon and Garfunkel for me. Thanks.

Lucas: What, because they are Jewish? Bad ancient sex lady! Do not be so racist.

Ember: You’ll do anything to avoid admitting that you’re terrible, won’t you?
Lucas: Anything except not being terrible. Yes.

Lucas: Our toes, they are also terrible.

Wait fifty years.

Lucas: Stupid jackets for stupid people.

Ember: Oh, you handsome devil and your honeyed words!

Ember: How long do you think we can hold this position?
Lucas: Lucas Perez can hold indefinitely, but may make a mess of his sheets.

Ember: Aww, no pics this time?

I know when an act is hard to follow, and I know when not to even try.

Alvin: Oh, is it getting-out-of-bed-for-no-reason-o’clock already?

Kitty: Weeeeeird perspective!

Well spotted!

Kitty: Oh my god! I’m… bulged out a tiny bit? I think? Am I pregnant, or what?

It’s hard to tell when kitties are pregnant sometimes.

Kitty: Oh my god! I’m gonna have a baby scientist!
Alvin: It’s “Scientist,” honey. We pronounce the capital “S.”

I’m surprised you can stand to sleep with that… thing.

Lucas: She is not so bad in poor light.

Ember: He’s a treasure, this one.


Ember: Good luck with that, buddy. I have kids. I can sleep through anything.

Kitty: Challenge accepted!

Ember: Well played.

Well played indeed! You gave me a closing shot of tits. And that’s the best kind of closing shot!

Next time: mostly toddlers, won’t lie.

Maybe I should have, though.

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