The Pine Valley Chronicles, Chapter Seventy-Nine

Welcome to the Pine Valley Chronicles, an ongoing neighbourhood story in The Sims 2!
Warning: this journal may contain uncensored nudity, violence, profanity and sexual themes.

Updates on Friday every week, and sometimes on Tuesdays!

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No sex and nudity this time. Jokes, though.

Is that even remotely acceptable as a replacement?

At least this time when the damn porn host crashes, nobody will notice.

Deborah: What a boring house.

For a boring lady!

Deborah: I’m not that boring, am I?

With a face like that? You’re practically the anthropomorphic personification of boring. I’m surprised Neil Gaiman hasn’t written a graphic novel about you.

Deborah: I might be boring, but at least I have a car now.

Yeah, you went from being Ralph Macchio in “The Karate Kid” to being Ralph Macchio in “My Cousin Vinnie.” Congratulations.

Deborah: Oh no a car watch out.

At least you’re not being enthusiastic about it.

Deborah: I’m not a moron, I’m just programmed that way.

Oh good, more money. Now I need to think about what to buy you, and that’s a problem, because I can only get through your household by mentally shutting down.

Awesome, boring people inside, interesting people outside. This is how The Hobbit starts.

Ember: You are aware that I am not a wizard.

Of course you’re not. You’re a sex witch!

Ember: As long as we’re clear on that.

Ember: She’s not answering, I say we break in. You there! Suspiciously pasty biker! Make with the lockpick-fu.

You’re making your guests wait so you can… cook them burned sandwiches.

Deborah: I’ve read The Hobbit. If they’re gonna eat all my food, I want them to choke on it.

Deborah: Come on in, everybody! But let’s be clear – we’re not doing this in 48 FPS. I’m too tired.

Ember: Was that a Hobbit movie joke?


Ember: Because it’s like…. a year too late.

Or a few months too early!

Craig Benson: Man, this woman looks like shit.

Craig: But I can roll with that.

Hey hey! Two puns in wun!

Ember: You have great skin, buddy.
Alvin: Thanks! I coat it with neon, so it gets that extra shine!

Ember: That’s lovely.

Alvin: I bet you’d know all about loveliness, baby!
Ember: Only when I look in a mirror. Everything else here is shit.

Ember: Fada soola gor!
Alvin: Scientifically unlikely!

Ember: Fada soola bron!
Alvin: Experimentally falsified!

Ember: Fada vaby oba vaba gonk gonk gonk!
Alvin: Methodologically unsound!


Alvin: Theoretically possible, but the implications are unsettling.

Craig: You look unsettled. Would a creepy hug help?

Alvin: It might! Let me see if I can muster one, honey.

Craig: Well that backfired.

Alvin: Check out my ass!
Ember: Your underwear is showing.
Alvin: Well that backfired.
Ember: It damn well better not have, it’s right in my face.

Deborah: Guys. I’m eating.

Ember: So apparently my grandkids are toddlers now. I bet my daughter is gonna have her hands full, she’s getting pretty old to be having young children.

Craig: How the fuck old are you, sex witch?

Craig: Wait a minute, aren’t you… didn’t you do that song in the 20s about having sex with strangers on a highway? I was fucking conceived to that song!

Craig: I hope I look that good when I have grandkids.
Ember: Don’t be silly. You won’t be allowed to have grandkids.

Craig: Says the woman whose daughters ought to be tied to the train tracks and left there.

Alvin: I just moved in with this nice Maxis girl down the road. She’s using me to get back at her boyfriend!
Deborah: And you’re okay with that?
Alvin: I’m a townie. I’ll take all the use I can get!

Ember: You probably aren’t the breeding type anyway, I’m surprised you don’t have your right ear pierced.

Deborah: Did you ever meet Ember’s last husband? He looks pretty foxy with that retarded moustache he just grew.

Alvin: Yes. Yes, he does. I think about it sometimes. I think about it often.


Craig: Good show, this.
Ember: Best thing on television.


Ember: Hey hey, free charcoal briquettes! How considerate!

Craig: So he was telling me about this third-generation AI he was constructing a robotic shell for, right?
Alvin: Never righter!

Craig: Anyway, before he even got the AI installed, the thing starts spewing out random crap about the guy’s dead relatives!
Alvin: Could totally happen!

Craig: Turns out, there was a ghost in the shell!


Craig: I never thought I’d find a science lover.
Alvin: You mean a lover of science.
Craig: No, I mean a science lover. I mean I wanna fuck you. In your ass.

Craig: I learned all about it in jail.

Craig: You can be my Feynman!

Alvin: Bullshit. You can be mine.

Deborah: So I’m thinking about moving.

Ember: Aww, this place isn’t so bad now that all the serial killering and apocalypsing is mostly over with. You just need to find a dude to bang.

Deborah: You heard the narrator! I’m too boring for most dudes!
Ember: I’ve got this thing I can do with my tongue… I’ll teach it to you some time, and you’ll never lack for dudes again.

Alvin: Could you teach it to her now? I’ve got a video camera! In my eyes.

Deborah: We’re trying to have a mature conversation here, Alvin.
Ember: No shit, eh? Blowjobs. Serious business.

Deborah: Oh! I was wondering what you meant about your tongue, I stick mine out at dudes all the time and they don’t seem to be all that interested. But you’re talking about sex!
Ember: She can be reached! But can she be reacharounded?

Craig: No. No, she cannot.

Craig: Fourteen? More like boreteen.

Deborah: It’s a valid point.

Craig: Wanna freak god out?
Ember: Might as well.

Ember: Weird hug!
Craig: One time only!

Ember: Or many times, over and over, in the nude.

Craig: How do you people keep out-creeping me?!

Deborah: Get the fuck out of my bathroom!
Alvin: But the gases in here, they’re rare and fantastic! It’s the Sciencest bathroom I’ve ever been in!

I couldn’t shit with the door open like that.

Of course, I couldn’t shit in my pants, either.

Deborah: This way I can just throw the pants out, and Lucas won’t find anything when he goes toilet-diving later.

I… you… next pic.

Craig: Those open buttons make me want to open all of your buttons.
Ember: That’s the effect I was going for!

Alvin: It’s super-effective!

Ember: You think if we both sit down really hard at the same time, the fabric will tear?
Craig: We owe it to science to find out!
Alvin: Is somebody doing Science over there? Can I watch?

Ember: Okay, stop synching with me, it’s-
Craig: -creepy.

Craig: See what I did there?
Alvin: I saw what you did there!
Ember: You gonna come over here and join us, or do you just like to watch?
Alvin: I just like to watch.
Ember: Pervert.

Deborah: Oh, hey William! Not much, just hanging out with Ember and two gay guys.

Alvin: Hey! We’re not gay guys!

Craig: So I was thinking a necklace of white pearls.
Ember: You’d do better to go with white gold, it would match your shirt.

Ember: And Deborah might have some dresses you guys can borrow.
Alvin: I’M NOT GAY

Ember: Look at that seam in the wall texture.
Craig: Lighting effects suck in here.
Ember: Tell me about it.

Ember: …were you just looking down my dress?
Craig: What? No! NO!
Ember: Well why not?!
Alvin: Yeah, why not? I would’ve been!

Alvin: They won’t even let me teach chemistry classes at the local high school anymore, they caught me with my x-ray goggles.

Ember: Sounds like you need a good lawyer.
Alvin: Really? The school board just suggested chemical castration!

Alvin: Which was kinda rude, after I raised their average GPA by a full point and all.
Ember: How’d you do that?
Alvin: I counted a wet t-shirt contest as an extra credit assignment.

Craig: I don’t think I wanna be gay buddies with you anymore, Alvin.


Craig: Okay? I’m not the gay police or anything.

Ember: Would the gay police be NPCs? Because most of Pine Valley’s NPCs wind up dead pretty fast.

Alvin: Why do you think I moved in with Lucas and Kitty? It wasn’t for the sights and smells, let me tell you.

Alvin: Especially not the smells.

Ember: Fada soola gor!
Alvin: No! You’re supposed to repeat the experiment in the same conditions!

Ember: Fada soola bron!
Alvin: Bah, screw the method. Science waits for no one!

Ember: Vada vaby oba vaba gonk gonk gonk!
Alvin: That last part always reminds me of Star Wars.

Ember: Gerbitz! GERBITZ! Owwwwwwwww stucco!

Ember: My fucking hands are bleeding!
Alvin: Well keep them elevated!

Ember: Why am I hanging out with you people? When did I become supporting cast?

Honestly? The moment your kids were born.

Craig: Hey, did you hear? That power plant in Centreborough is covering everyone’s houses in soot! There’s talk of a lawsuit!

Ember: Leave it to me, boys. I’m taking back the spotlight! Just call me EMBER CHOKE-A-BITCH, Attorney at Law.

Craig: Even lawyers love the ticklemonster!
Ember: Goddammit Craig you’re ruining my rageface!

Oh, are you still here?

Deborah: This is my house!

For now.

Deborah: Stop being interesting in my house before the Maker chokes me to death.
Ember: Will I have enough time for that? When is he planning to choke you to death?

Craig: Weird hug?
Alvin: The triumphant return!

Alvin: Keep in touch with me, honey.

Craig: I feel you, babe.
Ember: Alright, they’re not gay. No gay guy sounds that lame.

Ember: I’ll see you in the funny pages!

Not likely, I frequently skip the newspaper intros entirely now.

Thanks guys! There wouldn’t have been a chapter without you.

Actually, no, in that case, fuck you guys.

Deborah: Well, that was a waste of time.

How did you know my nickname for you?!

Deborah: Hang on a sec, my ankle is ultrafucked.


I think you’re pregnant, actually.

Deborah: Right, because that makes this less weird.

Since when were we trying for less weird? Anyway, next time: the funniest and most terrifying series of pictures you’ve ever seen from this game.

See if I’m not right.

I totally am right.

But see anyway.

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