The Pine Valley Chronicles, Chapter Seventy-Nine

Welcome to the Pine Valley Chronicles, an ongoing neighbourhood story in The Sims 2!
Warning: this journal may contain uncensored nudity, violence, profanity and sexual themes.

Updates on Friday every week, and sometimes on Tuesdays!

Click Here for Previous Entries!

No sex and nudity this time. Jokes, though.

Is that even remotely acceptable as a replacement?

At least this time when the damn porn host crashes, nobody will notice.


Deborah: What a boring house.

For a boring lady!

Deborah: I’m not that boring, am I?

With a face like that? You’re practically the anthropomorphic personification of boring. I’m surprised Neil Gaiman hasn’t written a graphic novel about you.

Deborah: I might be boring, but at least I have a car now.

Yeah, you went from being Ralph Macchio in “The Karate Kid” to being Ralph Macchio in “My Cousin Vinnie.” Congratulations.

Deborah: Oh no a car watch out.

At least you’re not being enthusiastic about it.

Deborah: I’m not a moron, I’m just programmed that way.

Oh good, more money. Now I need to think about what to buy you, and that’s a problem, because I can only get through your household by mentally shutting down.

Awesome, boring people inside, interesting people outside. This is how The Hobbit starts.

Ember: You are aware that I am not a wizard.

Of course you’re not. You’re a sex witch!

Ember: As long as we’re clear on that.

Ember: She’s not answering, I say we break in. You there! Suspiciously pasty biker! Make with the lockpick-fu.

You’re making your guests wait so you can… cook them burned sandwiches.

Deborah: I’ve read The Hobbit. If they’re gonna eat all my food, I want them to choke on it.

Deborah: Come on in, everybody! But let’s be clear – we’re not doing this in 48 FPS. I’m too tired.

Ember: Was that a Hobbit movie joke?

Yeah.

Ember: Because it’s like…. a year too late.

Or a few months too early!

Craig Benson: Man, this woman looks like shit.

Craig: But I can roll with that.

Hey hey! Two puns in wun!

Ember: You have great skin, buddy.
Alvin: Thanks! I coat it with neon, so it gets that extra shine!

Ember: That’s lovely.

Alvin: I bet you’d know all about loveliness, baby!
Ember: Only when I look in a mirror. Everything else here is shit.

Ember: Fada soola gor!
Alvin: Scientifically unlikely!

Ember: Fada soola bron!
Alvin: Experimentally falsified!

Ember: Fada vaby oba vaba gonk gonk gonk!
Alvin: Methodologically unsound!

Ember: GERBITZ GERBITZ OH MY GOD GERBITZ

Alvin: Theoretically possible, but the implications are unsettling.

Craig: You look unsettled. Would a creepy hug help?

Alvin: It might! Let me see if I can muster one, honey.

Craig: Well that backfired.

Alvin: Check out my ass!
Ember: Your underwear is showing.
Alvin: Well that backfired.
Ember: It damn well better not have, it’s right in my face.

Deborah: Guys. I’m eating.

Ember: So apparently my grandkids are toddlers now. I bet my daughter is gonna have her hands full, she’s getting pretty old to be having young children.

Craig: How the fuck old are you, sex witch?

Craig: Wait a minute, aren’t you… didn’t you do that song in the 20s about having sex with strangers on a highway? I was fucking conceived to that song!

Craig: I hope I look that good when I have grandkids.
Ember: Don’t be silly. You won’t be allowed to have grandkids.

Craig: Says the woman whose daughters ought to be tied to the train tracks and left there.

Alvin: I just moved in with this nice Maxis girl down the road. She’s using me to get back at her boyfriend!
Deborah: And you’re okay with that?
Alvin: I’m a townie. I’ll take all the use I can get!

Ember: You probably aren’t the breeding type anyway, I’m surprised you don’t have your right ear pierced.

Deborah: Did you ever meet Ember’s last husband? He looks pretty foxy with that retarded moustache he just grew.

Alvin: Yes. Yes, he does. I think about it sometimes. I think about it often.

Alvin: NOW WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU MAKE ME SAY THAT FOR

Craig: Good show, this.
Ember: Best thing on television.

Yep.

Ember: Hey hey, free charcoal briquettes! How considerate!

Craig: So he was telling me about this third-generation AI he was constructing a robotic shell for, right?
Alvin: Never righter!

Craig: Anyway, before he even got the AI installed, the thing starts spewing out random crap about the guy’s dead relatives!
Alvin: Could totally happen!

Craig: Turns out, there was a ghost in the shell!

Alvin: OH MY GOD YOU’RE TURNING ME GAY

Craig: I never thought I’d find a science lover.
Alvin: You mean a lover of science.
Craig: No, I mean a science lover. I mean I wanna fuck you. In your ass.

Craig: I learned all about it in jail.

Craig: You can be my Feynman!

Alvin: Bullshit. You can be mine.

Deborah: So I’m thinking about moving.

Ember: Aww, this place isn’t so bad now that all the serial killering and apocalypsing is mostly over with. You just need to find a dude to bang.

Deborah: You heard the narrator! I’m too boring for most dudes!
Ember: I’ve got this thing I can do with my tongue… I’ll teach it to you some time, and you’ll never lack for dudes again.

Alvin: Could you teach it to her now? I’ve got a video camera! In my eyes.

Deborah: We’re trying to have a mature conversation here, Alvin.
Ember: No shit, eh? Blowjobs. Serious business.

Deborah: Oh! I was wondering what you meant about your tongue, I stick mine out at dudes all the time and they don’t seem to be all that interested. But you’re talking about sex!
Ember: She can be reached! But can she be reacharounded?

Craig: No. No, she cannot.

Craig: Fourteen? More like boreteen.

Deborah: It’s a valid point.

Craig: Wanna freak god out?
Ember: Might as well.

Ember: Weird hug!
Craig: One time only!

Ember: Or many times, over and over, in the nude.

Craig: How do you people keep out-creeping me?!

Deborah: Get the fuck out of my bathroom!
Alvin: But the gases in here, they’re rare and fantastic! It’s the Sciencest bathroom I’ve ever been in!
Deborah: LUCAS HAS PROBLEMS OKAY GO TALK TO HIM ABOUT THEM

I couldn’t shit with the door open like that.

Of course, I couldn’t shit in my pants, either.

Deborah: This way I can just throw the pants out, and Lucas won’t find anything when he goes toilet-diving later.

I… you… next pic.

Craig: Those open buttons make me want to open all of your buttons.
Ember: That’s the effect I was going for!

Alvin: It’s super-effective!

Ember: You think if we both sit down really hard at the same time, the fabric will tear?
Craig: We owe it to science to find out!
Alvin: Is somebody doing Science over there? Can I watch?

Ember: Okay, stop synching with me, it’s-
Craig: -creepy.

Craig: See what I did there?
Alvin: I saw what you did there!
Ember: You gonna come over here and join us, or do you just like to watch?
Alvin: I just like to watch.
Ember: Pervert.

Deborah: Oh, hey William! Not much, just hanging out with Ember and two gay guys.

Alvin: Hey! We’re not gay guys!

Craig: So I was thinking a necklace of white pearls.
Ember: You’d do better to go with white gold, it would match your shirt.

Ember: And Deborah might have some dresses you guys can borrow.
Alvin: I’M NOT GAY

Ember: Look at that seam in the wall texture.
Craig: Lighting effects suck in here.
Ember: Tell me about it.

Ember: …were you just looking down my dress?
Craig: What? No! NO!
Ember: Well why not?!
Alvin: Yeah, why not? I would’ve been!

Alvin: They won’t even let me teach chemistry classes at the local high school anymore, they caught me with my x-ray goggles.

Ember: Sounds like you need a good lawyer.
Alvin: Really? The school board just suggested chemical castration!

Alvin: Which was kinda rude, after I raised their average GPA by a full point and all.
Ember: How’d you do that?
Alvin: I counted a wet t-shirt contest as an extra credit assignment.

Craig: I don’t think I wanna be gay buddies with you anymore, Alvin.

Alvin: I HAD SEX WITH A WOMAN JUST LAST YEAR, OKAY?!

Craig: Okay? I’m not the gay police or anything.

Ember: Would the gay police be NPCs? Because most of Pine Valley’s NPCs wind up dead pretty fast.

Alvin: Why do you think I moved in with Lucas and Kitty? It wasn’t for the sights and smells, let me tell you.

Alvin: Especially not the smells.

Ember: Fada soola gor!
Alvin: No! You’re supposed to repeat the experiment in the same conditions!

Ember: Fada soola bron!
Alvin: Bah, screw the method. Science waits for no one!

Ember: Vada vaby oba vaba gonk gonk gonk!
Alvin: That last part always reminds me of Star Wars.

Ember: Gerbitz! GERBITZ! Owwwwwwwww stucco!

Ember: My fucking hands are bleeding!
Alvin: Well keep them elevated!

Ember: Why am I hanging out with you people? When did I become supporting cast?

Honestly? The moment your kids were born.

Craig: Hey, did you hear? That power plant in Centreborough is covering everyone’s houses in soot! There’s talk of a lawsuit!

Ember: Leave it to me, boys. I’m taking back the spotlight! Just call me EMBER CHOKE-A-BITCH, Attorney at Law.

Craig: Even lawyers love the ticklemonster!
Ember: Goddammit Craig you’re ruining my rageface!

Oh, are you still here?

Deborah: This is my house!

For now.

Deborah: Stop being interesting in my house before the Maker chokes me to death.
Ember: Will I have enough time for that? When is he planning to choke you to death?

Craig: Weird hug?
Alvin: The triumphant return!

Alvin: Keep in touch with me, honey.

Craig: I feel you, babe.
Ember: Alright, they’re not gay. No gay guy sounds that lame.

Ember: I’ll see you in the funny pages!

Not likely, I frequently skip the newspaper intros entirely now.

Thanks guys! There wouldn’t have been a chapter without you.

Actually, no, in that case, fuck you guys.

Deborah: Well, that was a waste of time.

How did you know my nickname for you?!

Deborah: Hang on a sec, my ankle is ultrafucked.

Deborah: AND NOW I’M WEARING DIFFERENT PAJAMAS.

I think you’re pregnant, actually.

Deborah: Right, because that makes this less weird.

Since when were we trying for less weird? Anyway, next time: the funniest and most terrifying series of pictures you’ve ever seen from this game.

See if I’m not right.

I totally am right.

But see anyway.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published.