The Pine Valley Chronicles, Chapter Seventy-Eight

Welcome to the Pine Valley Chronicles, an ongoing neighbourhood story in The Sims 2!
Warning: this journal may contain uncensored nudity, violence, profanity and sexual themes.

Updates on Friday every week!

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Short one this time.

Short on quality, too.

How old are you? I’m trying to decide if having you walk around here naked is gross and wrong.

Elizabeth: I was born seventy-three years ago. So yes, it’s gross and wrong, but not in the way you were thinking.

Jihoon Wheeler: I have a delivery for… your disgusting exposed penis?
Brooke Cormier: Where do you want your paper… you horrifying naked hippie chick?

Leonard: Who kicked over all my flamingos?
Brooke: They probably killed themselves in desperation.

Elizabeth: Leonard! You’re exposing yourself to the flamingos!
Leonard: I wanted to make you feel at home, I know how perverted you SimAsians are.

Leonard: Elizabeth! You’re exposing yourself to the flamingos!
Elizabeth: I wonder what having a sense of continuity would feel like.

Elizabeth: Probably better than unwashed teenage tongue, anyway.

Uhhhhhh… Leonard…

Leonard: I know what you’re going to ask, and I have no idea. I’m just going to roll with it.

Cara Jordan: These snowflakes smell like soap bubbles!

Cara: …are you hiding soap bubbles in your pockets?
Leonard: That would be silly.

Leonard: Technically I wasn’t lying.

Stewart: He’s like Pigpen in reverse!

Some things just weren’t meant to be looked at too closely.

WEDNESDAY: I am aware that you are programmed to leave these photographic representations on the porch, and am not taking issue with that programming per se. I am however wondering whether you might modify your preset routines to account for weather, to wit: it’s fucking snowing and you’re ruining our new pictures.

Holy shit, when did you get old?

Shadow: .oO(Just now.)

I barely remembered you existed, and now you’re old! You’re like Chevy Chase or something.

Preppy man! Preppy man! Does whatever his servants won’t.

Stewart: Goddammit Len, did you soap our cat white or something?

Leonard: I’m like King Midas, only everything I touch turns to slippery.

Stewart: It’s okay Shadow, we’ll fix you in the fifth act with pseudoscience.

This isn’t Star Trek: The Original Series.

Stewart: I was thinking The Next Generation, actually. The Original Series sometimes had actual endings.

I don’t know why this is happening, but I hope it never stops.

It’s too bad you had to get old and useless to finally look interesting.

Leonard: Kitty wanna bath? We could just hug for a few minutes and you’d be squeaky clean.

Leonard: Let’s play chemtrails! Neeeeeoooowwwww!

“Cecilia”: I hate these modern art installations. So you took a picture and put it in the road. Good for you.
FRIDAY: This is not an art installation.
“Cecilia”: And it’s not a urinal either, right? Now say it in French, why don’t you, you ponce.

FRIDAY: Who’s there?!

FRIDAY: Oh, just nobody.

Alternate caption:

Erik Tomyoy: What a hideous gnome.

Yay, I don’t care. Why do people like Servos so much? They suck.

WEDNESDAY: Only the really expensive models do, and most people find the artificial lips creepy.

You fool, you brought Aquaman with you?! It’s winter, he’ll suffocate!

Ocean: Your guard dog is glowing.

Stewart: Before you ask, yet again, I don’t know why.

Whatever it is, it seems to be catching.

That must be one loud doorbell.

Leonard: Congrats on your robot date, robot dude!

FRIDAY: That reminds me. WEDNESDAY… will you robot marry me? Like robot now?
WEDNESDAY: I robot will!

Aww, they pretzel each other.

That’s so scrumptious.

WEDNESDAY: Oh yeah baby, phase pulse my transmitter! PHASE PULSE MY TRANSMITTER!

Well I’m glad it makes you happy, whatever it is you just did.

Personally, I’m with Leonard.


WEDNESDAY: My attraction algorithm returns positive results for you!
FRIDAY: Not as positive as the results mine is returning for you!


Okay, bitching time.

Those things are so fucking bugged. Everyone acts like the card is for them, even if it can’t be, and then they fucking eat it or something instead of putting it in their inventory. Why don’t they put it in their inventory?! It’s a really neat decorative object with the Sim’s portrait on it and everything, it’s way better than those stupid fucking flowers.


WEDNESDAY: Mmm, flowery! Smells good enough to eat!

Stewart: Thanks for stealing my date card guys, really makes me feel special.

Erik: Welp, guess I live here now.

Stewart: Name… name… why can’t I remember my name?

Because you’re not an important character.

Ocean: Ahhhh… that’s better.

WEDNESDAY: Why did you not flush?
Ocean: Because water is a precious resource.
WEDNESDAY: Well so is my toilet brush.

WEDNESDAY: Are there no whales in peril, anywhere in the world? Should you not now be attending to their salvation?

Ocean: I’m kind of just a part-time Aquaman.

Leonard: You were always my favourite superhero, even when you had that dumb beard and that hook for a hand.

Ocean: I don’t know what that means, because I’m not a fucking nerd.

WEDNESDAY: So this is what it looks like when a man raised by fish tries to use a sink.

Leonard: Do you think he’s a product of parallel evolution, a human born on an ocean planet where you need to be Aquaman just to survive?
FRIDAY: No, I think he’s a fucking idiot.
Leonard: I wish you were still all robotty like WEDNESDAY is, you’re getting too human.

Ocean: Hey hey! This sure isn’t my room.

Ocean: I’d better make myself comfortable and touch all their stuff.


Stewart: This one is off by half an inch!

Welcome to OCD! I’ll show you the ropes. Five times. Until I’m sure you’ve got it. Or I won’t sleep properly.

Leonard: Why were you jerking off to my girlfriend’s naked picture?
Ocean: Because you don’t have any good porn on your computer.

Ocean: Oh god, my hydration suit is leaking!
Leonard: I’ll catch it in this cup I have!

Leonard: You are a terrible superhero and you should feel bad about yourself.

Leonard: But I will still totally read your comic. Goodbye.

Ocean: .oO(What a fucking nerd.)

FRIDAY: Why do we still have your father’s crap potholder?
Stewart: To remind us why we don’t miss him.

FRIDAY: I fail to see why this vase is worth four thousand simoleons, but those flamingos are only worth twelve. The flamingos are good for kicking, but if you kick this vase, it will shatter.

Well, it took the SimChinese a thousand years to figure that out, so there are hardly any vases left.

FRIDAY: Do you want to go outside and cuddle under the stars, sweetcasing?

Stewart: Or do you want to do your fucking jobs before I turn you both off?

FRIDAY: Friday! Friday!

Sorry, that’s just what that picture reminds me of.

FRIDAY: Shit, is it routine maintenance time again already?

Aww, I have one of those! I hate her. What’s his name?

Stewart: Sir Wally the Grey.
Sir Wally the Grey: Zounds!

Stewart: It bit me.

And now you’ve experienced its entire range of interactions. Good value!

FRIDAY: I have composed an ode to your cooking abilities.
WEDNESDAY: I will inform you when my audio receptors have shut down, so that you might begin.



Sir Wally: With terrible taste in art.

They’d probably like my journal, then.

Next time: you know, I’m looking at it, and if anything at all happens, I can’t see where.


Anyway, expect it on Tuesday. Unless the porn host goes down on me.

Don’t let the porn host go down on me.

Or the sun.

Or your son.

Daughters, sisters and wives, I dunno. Send me headshots and I’ll let you know.

Are we done here?

I think we’re done here.

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