The Pine Valley Chronicles, Chapter Seventy-Seven

Welcome to the Pine Valley Chronicles, an ongoing neighbourhood story in The Sims 2!
Warning: this journal may contain uncensored nudity, violence, profanity and sexual themes.

Updates on Friday every week, and sometimes on Tuesdays!

Click Here for Previous Entries!

In case you missed it above, you might want to start checking my journal on Tuesdays. I won’t be posting twice a week every week, but I’m buffered far enough that I can risk it for a while now.

Anyway, I hope you like nothing but hot naked chick.

Because I’ve got precious little else for you this week.


I’d have uploaded this earlier, but yet again my porn host went down on me.

…that came out wrong.

You trying to scrape all the enamel off, or what?

Michael: If I don’t get them extra-clean, my shiteating grin will stain them up too badly. And you can’t be a successful politician without a good shiteating grin!

Kendra: Look, Little Mikey is standing upright. He must be thinking about me.

Um. Yeah.

Kendra: I feel woozy. You don’t think I’m pregnant, do you?

That depends. Have you fucked the same dude a bunch of times without a condom? Because I hear that increases the odds somewhat.

Kendra: Maybe I can reverse it if I fuck another dude a bunch of times with a condom.

Kendra: It’s worth a shblaaauuuuuuurrgh.

Oh, come on. Why is it always you?

Andrew: Paul-Bunyan-as-a-schoolteacher fetishes are very common around here.

Andrew: I do feel kinda bad though. Banging all these chicks. While my wife stays at home. With the babies.

Yeah, it’s pretty inconsiderate.

Andrew: What? No, I mean, she’s alone there, with the babies. Dudes love babies. I hope there aren’t any dudes there, loving our babies and wanting her to cheat on me. Because I don’t think I could forgive infidelity.

Oh, Sim psychology. You are insane and wrong.

Kendra: Andrew! You came!
Andrew: But I brought a change of underwear, so it’s okay.

Kendra: …oh. You’re not even kidding, are you.
Andrew: Maybe stop jumping in front of people with your clothes off, if you don’t want that to happen.

Kendra: Well anyway, Michael’s off doing whatever boring money shit Michael does. Wanna come in and put your genitals into something cleaner?
Andrew: And then make it messier with my genitals?
Kendra: I hope not, that’s how I got pregnant in the first place.

Kendra: So I heard Penny’s been seeing someone behind Jerome’s back. I bet I could make him cry if I told him.

Andrew: I bet you could make several of us cry.

Andrew: Are you sure your husband isn’t coming home soon?
Kendra: I called his work and asked them to scatter some pennies around the building at random. He’s like a vampire with that shit.

Andrew: Wow! You’re naked! I don’t know why that’s only just hitting me now.
Kendra: It’s a pretty incomprehensibly awesome thing, I don’t blame you.

Andrew: I hope you haven’t got a spy camera in that statue.
Bust of Tylopoda: .oO(No, the reality is much more disturbing.)

Kendra: I wonder what our kids would look like?
Andrew: Dennis Rodman, probably, so it’s not happening.

Andrew: But I’m willing to simulate the act of procreation with you, up to a certain point.
Kendra: Have you been reading romantic poetry or something?

Andrew: I like this one! It’s sleek and smooth and pretty.

Of course it is, I designed it. Genetic freaks like you were foisted on me by the game.


Kendra: You wanna dance a little bit closer, big boy?
Andrew: It would obscure the view, so not really.

Andrew: Actually, never mind. This house is plastered with naked pictures of you.

Kendra: Our real estate agent thought it was a great idea.

Kendra: Ready for a ride, honey?
Andrew: WOW! Your teeth sure are white.
Kendra: They have to be, I keep kissing this dude with a shiteating grin all the time.

Kendra: It wouldn’t be a good look on you, though. You’d get the shit all stuck in your beard.

Andrew: I don’t believe in heaven, but if I did, I bet it would feel a lot like your ass does.

Kendra: I can see you’re an expert at foreplay.

Kendra: How about some backplay?

Andrew: Keep low! If anyone sees me, they’ll just think I’m… fucking your table.

Andrew: This is an interesting alternative to mirrors on the ceiling, I’ll admit.

Kendra: Watch what you’re doing, you came out there.

Andrew: No worries, I’ve got awesome aim.

Andrew: See, I installed some heat-seeking software-
Kendra: Aaaaand we’re done.

Kendra: Welp, that was fun. See you later!
Andrew: You’re kicking me out right after the sex?
Kendra: Isn’t that every man’s dream?

Andrew: Maybe.

Kendra: The hardest part about marriage is trying to get all the stains off of everything before he gets home from work.

Annie Bear: Shit! A human! Run!
Kendra: I hate it when Bears try to go through my trash.

So, you just… left that disintegrated dude outside for a year?

Kendra: We were thinking of getting some flowers and we heard that ash makes a good fertilizer.

Andrew: If you need fertilizing, baby, then I’m your man.

I think somebody already beat you to it, Andrew.

Andrew: What? Haven’t you ever seen a married man bang two hot female neighbours before?
Cheryl Benson: Only like every day.

Uh… Kendra? I think you’d better bring your flowers in, because a storm might be coming.

Michael: Hey hey! Carless parasite! We’ve been thinking of getting a garden installed. Do you know about gardens? You must, all you lower orders are tight with the earth or some such shit.

Michael: You’ll have lots of time to work, because I just got promoted today, and I’m firing you.

Michael: What? Kendra?! No! Not my sweet lovely innocent Kendra!

Michael: Why do bad things always happen to good people?!


Gavin: You gonna answer that?
Michael: It’s probably one of my bitch wife’s hundred well-hung boyfriends.

Michael: Or… girlfriends?
Poppy: You’ve got no worries there, I can’t afford her.

Michael: For someone who gets offended at prostitute jokes, you sure do have a lot of extramarital sex!
Kendra: This is a metaphor for something, right? Because I’m pretty sure I mopped up all the semen already.

Michael: I realize I’m a famous politician now, Kendra, but that doesn’t mean we need to have a crappy year-long celebrity wedding! I can’t believe you’d do this to me! You hit me right where it hurts most!

Michael: Do you know how much divorce lawyers cost, bitch?!

Michael: Now go outside and eat your date flowers, because you’re not having any of my people food.

Even when I’m bored, I’m clever. Aren’t I clever?

Michael: Hey hey! Touching my stuff, that’s great. I’ll send you a bill.

Michael: I’d better call the newspapers anonymously and get my scoop bonus, they’ll love this story.

Kendra: I hate this story!

Michael: Every good politician needs a good spouse. Preferably one that helps them get minority votes. I don’t know any more black chicks… hmm…

Michael: If this works, it’s gonna be awesome.

I can’t wait. What minority did you decide to pander to? The handicapped? The elderly?


Michael: Go big or go homo, that’s what I always say.

Poppy: I can tell I’m in for a whirlwind of romance already!

Michael: I’m glad you came, Poppy.
Poppy: The power of rich compels me.

Poppy: Holy shit, all that already?!
Michael: Never underestimate a Pleasure Sim’s desire to never need to work again.



Poppy: Whoa. You wanna slow down just a little? I’m a lesbian, remember?
Michael: Yeah, but you know what other lesbian chicks really love? Bisexual chicks.

Poppy: It’s worth a try, I guess.

Hailey: I thought she was a lesbian.

Poppy’s just experimenting.

Hailey: I meant the one with the pony tail.

Hailey: Hi, Mrs. Whittaker! Hi, Mr. White!

Michael: I am in love with how much money you have.

Poppy: Me too.

Poppy: I don’t think I’ve ever kissed a dude before. Do you guys usually taste like all the toothpaste in the world?

Poppy: Because I don’t think I’ll need to brush my own teeth for like a week now.

Michael: I need clean teeth to properly project my insincerity.

Michael: And anyway it helps take away the taste of all the ass I’ve been kissing lately.

Poppy: Depending on how the night goes, you’ll have to show me what you’ve learned.

Poppy: My vagina is usually reserved for plastics only, but I might be willing to give you a pass.

Michael: That would be nice. I collect membership cards. They make me feel measurably networked.

Poppy: If you ever use that word again in my presence, I am going to have to kill you.

Michael: Business jargon has that effect on most people.

Michael: I hear that thing with the towers was the result of somebody sending terrorists a LinkedIn invitation.

Kendra: Where did Michael go?
Gavin: I think he’s dating a lesbian outside.
Kendra: Typical. He can’t even turn gay after a bad relationship correctly.

Poppy: It’s weird. I’m supposed to be a lesbian, but I find you kinda attractive.
Michael: Almost like you’re not actually a lesbian.
Poppy: But that would be silly.

Someone cheated on you? Are you in a relationship? Should I be doing this? I don’t remember, you people bore me.

Gavin: You can have the chess board, I’m gonna go hang with Tylopoda.
Tylopoda: .oO(Oh Jove, not again.)

Poppy: I’m not sure I want to go through with this unless I know I love you.
Michael: I’m rich, you’re rich. Together we’d be double rich. Comfort comes first, love follows after.

Nothing like logicing a girl into bed with you.

Poppy: That wasn’t as gross and alien as I thought it would be.
Michael: Hold off on the lovey-dovey talk, girl, we barely know each other.

Kendra: So it turns out I hate chess?

Kendra: And also I’m pregnant?

Kendra: And also there’s a lesbian in my bed.

Poppy: Hey Michael, there’s a prostitute in your house.
Michael: Yeah, it’s like “Pretty Woman” only this one is both prettier and less redeemable.

Not awkward at all.

Michael: That thing you did with your tongue…
Poppy: There’s a reason most dudes are so attracted to lesbians.

Michael: And they haven’t even seen your ass yet!

Michael: I could set you up a stellar advertising campaign…
Poppy: One step at a time, Michael.

Michael: Hey! You’re getting more attractive! Does that mean you’re getting less lesbian?

Yeah, it does. The lesbianer she gets, the less attractive you’ll find her. You know, the opposite of how it works in real life.

Next time: teens behaving blah-ly. As so often they do.

The next entry will be uploaded on Tuesday. As mentioned at the beginning, I’m gonna try doing that every so often. We’ll see how it goes.

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