Welcome to the Pine Valley Chronicles, an ongoing neighbourhood story in The Sims 2!
Warning: this journal may contain uncensored nudity, violence, profanity and sexual themes.
Updates on Friday every week!
I look forward to the day when posting my “previous entries” links in full is considered spamming.
We’re probably already there, actually.
Is it just me, or did that last fictional year seem to take a real year to go by?
Jerome: Good morning, beautiful!
Penny: Good morning, pitiful!
Jerome: I’m glad we still have that same spark in our relationship.
Penny: Alright, back off, you’re deforming my face.
Thank god. All milquetoasts, climb aboard the milquetoast express!
Gina: We serve tea!
Jerome: A long day at work is much easier to handle when you know you have a loving wife to come back home to.
Calling Andrew to come cheat with you?
Penny: Calling Andrew to come cheat with me.
Penny: GODDAMMIT ANDREW HE’S SUFFOCATING ME
Andrew: And you’re trying to show me how?
Andrew: I’m not sure you should have kissed me right there on the street, though.
Penny: Nobody notices adultery around here, it’s practically invisible. Kinda like homeless people in a big city.
Penny: My, what strong arms you have!
Andrew: Stiff arms, more like. The neurotoxin lab at work keeps having these leaks, and you wouldn’t believe what that shit does to your muscles!
Penny: That sounds sexy and dangerous! More dangerous than sexy, though. And I am a cop. So maybe I should take a statement from you.
Andrew: You’re a pretty pretty lady with an excellent sense of discretion.
Penny: Your statement is acceptable.
Andrew: But your dancing is execrable!
Penny: Would it help if I massaged your breasts?
Andrew: Stop plugging for the enemy!
Penny: That nerve agent is really wreaking havoc with your shoulder muscles too.
Andrew: No, that’s from our security breach at the bio-organic weapon labs last week. I had a virally-enhanced monkey monster on my back for eighteen hours before the containment seals released and the special tactics squad from your police station showed up to save us.
Penny: I’m probably going to get fired just for knowing you.
Andrew: Then you might as well know me carnally.
Penny: Hey, so you know this random diva?
Andrew: There’s a random chance that I do.
Penny: She is such a random diva!
Andrew: Oh my god! That’s so random!
Speaking of random…
Penny: That is the sexiest robot dance I’ve ever seen!
Andrew: No, this is a problem, my alien hand syndrome is back again. If they start to choke you, don’t head towards the light! I don’t need another notation on my work file.
Penny: I’m gonna get choked out! How is that not hot?!
Meanwhile, back in outside, garden happened.
Thrills and chills.
Penny: Garden just happened outside.
Andrew: It’s a happenin’ place!
Andrew: And you have a happenin’ face.
Penny: Whatever you’re thinking about my face, it’s not happenin’. I’m pretty sure Jerome could smell it on me last time.
Penny: Of course you could always kill him and take his place and construct a robot duplicate for him so nobody would know.
Andrew: Robots aren’t really my thing. I’ll ask my mom.
Nothing gets a girl hot like hearing about your mom.
Jane: Well, this is definitely going in my report.
Andrew: Aren’t you supposed to report confidentially? Or are you one of those crap secret agents?
Jane: I’m supposed to observe and report, thank you so very much. What you just heard was my observation about how I’m going to report this.
Andrew: Well, as long as you’re happy.
Jane: Hi Mr. Newcastle! Sure is ANDREW MURPHY out here today!
Jerome: Is it? I don’t tend to notice the weather.
Penny: Ready to do this thing?
Jerome: What thing?
Penny: I want to make this shit official before we become common law. I’m not going to go trailer trash for you, pencil-dick.
Jerome: You sure know how to make our special day extra-special.
Penny: Hey, I put this special wallpaper up and everything, what more could you ask for really?
Jerome: A church, maybe?
Penny: I’m an atheist.
Penny: Our tastes don’t match.
Penny: Flowers I can do.
Penny: If you expect me to kiss you again, get a less coarse sweater. I think you’re sawing my arms off.
Behold the crappy couple.
Jerome: Well, my life’s complete now. I can die.
Oh no, somebody stop him! He’s gonna subscribe to World of Warcraft!
Penny: Or maybe I will. I need an electronic fantasy to help me escape the horror of my reality.
Yeah, but… your horrible reality is my electronic fantasy.
Penny: And what does that say about your horrible reality?
Nothing good, anyway.
You… might need that.
Penny: Oh god. Not again.
Conrad GilsCarbo, Zombie Hunter: THERE CAN BE ONLY ONE. And there wasn’t one. Because Phillip died. So there had to be one. A new one. So that’s me. Hi.
It needs a little something, don’t you think?
Great! Until Jerome reads the card, at which point it becomes awesome.
Jerome: I’m married!
Jerome: Oh well, TV.
Jerome: But not that TV.
Jerome: Maybe this TV.
Jerome: Yeah. This TV.
Jerome: But maybe not.
HOW’S THAT ROBOT DUPLICATE COMING ANDREW
Well, I can see you’re having a riot.
Penny: It’s a new hobby I’m starting. It’s called “not being near my husband.” You can do it almost anywhere!
Sandy Cho: I can nearly feel the filthy sodbuster breath all over me.
That is the classiest secret shrine to adultery I’ve ever seen, and I’ve seen one of them.
Perhaps that sounded more impressive in my head.
Gonna put some parmesan on that?
Penny: Nah, I prefer my spaghetti naked.
Did you tell that to Jerome?
Penny: I might have, why?
Because he might have taken it the wrong way, if you did.
Penny: Well, for better or for naked, that’s what they say, right.
Penny: No pressure, but if we can’t stay synched we’ll never make the Olympic team.
Penny: Niiiiice. But don’t get cocky (not like you could, with that tiny cock of yours) because I hear the Thai team for Synchronized Bedding is full of hookers from Bangkok.
Jerome: How much of this is actually happening?
Practically none of it, but I have to make these fucking pictures funny somehow.
OH FUCK OFF I JUST PUT THEM TO SLEEP GODDAMMIT
Kay Bertino: Shit! Alarm! There must be a burglar in here with me!
Kay: Shit! SHIT! I’m the burglar!
Go away! We don’t need your shitty NPC cops, we’ve got a real cop living right here!
Tyler: THIS IS THE ONLY WAY I GET TO HAVE HUGS WITH A GIRL
Jerome: I think there’s someone hugging a girl downstairs.
Penny: However would you know what that sounds like?
Penny: Hi Tyler! Long day?
Penny: Man, is Captain Aarckflacksplult still on your back about that?!
Penny: Wow, look at these guys go. I totally should have had one of them impregnate me.
Jerome: Maybe next time.
Penny: You’re okay with me banging a burglar?
Jerome: Sure, once you’ve driven me to suicide with all the small dick jokes.
Penny: Well that can never happen, because when it comes to you, me, and small dick jokes, there is no after.
Jerome: What are you doing?
Penny: Turning off the alarm.
Jerome: Any particular reason?
Penny: I don’t want more cops showing up. Would you want all your co-workers seeing you in your underwear? I bet you wouldn’t, they might want to compare packages, and you’d have to go down to the post office to get one.
Jerome: I’m so glad we have one of those relationships where we can talk about our problems. Even if it’s always you talking. About my problems.
Penny: Or my problems with you!
Jerome: Yes, that too.
Tyler: I didn’t know you knew the sergeant!
Tyler: You’re under arrest for failing to best me in a feat of strength.
Kay: Our legal system is bullshit.
Penny: To the victor go the spoils!
Tyler: I’ll be right up!
Jerome: You’d better not, that fight was a fluke and I’m pretty sure I can kick your ass.
Tyler: Do you want to have sex?
Kay: That depends. Do you have restraints?
Tyler: Are you kidding?! Just look at this car!
Tyler: I know you already know, but I just wanted to creep into your bedroom while you sleep and tell you that we caught the burglar and I’m gonna go have kinky S&M with her in my car so see you at work tomorrow Penny. Also there’s a shitty reward, so good on you.
Penny: A cop just broke into our bedroom.
Jerome: At least he left money.
Penny: Well if you’re cool with that, I can make arrangements at work.
Penny: Oh Jerome, look what horrors you have wrought upon my body.
Jerome: I can tell it’s not pretty so I don’t think I’ll look, thanks.
Penny: BIG STRETCH
And you’re supposed to hide it behind the lamp, not the other way around, stupid. Don’t you know anything about TV?
Jerome: Now other men won’t want her!
Because she doesn’t know anything about TV?
Jerome: That, and she’s all fat and gross now!
But how did you plan on fixing the problem of her not wanting you?
Jerome: Dogged persistence!
Man, how I wish that worked.
Penny: Thankfully, Jerome works!
Jerome: Not today! Got the day off.
I wouldn’t recommend it, that’s how you got this way in the first place! Next time: dramapornplosion. About time, right?