The Pine Valley Chronicles, Chapter Seventy-Five

Welcome to the Pine Valley Chronicles, an ongoing neighbourhood story in The Sims 2!
Warning: this journal may contain uncensored nudity, violence, profanity and sexual themes.

Updates on Friday every week!

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It’s on time, that’s about all I can say for it.

Last time in the Pine Valley Chronicles…

I’d make a newspaper for this week, but 1) nothing happened last week, 2) this is the second part of that nothing happening, and 3) I don’t damn well feel like it, so sue me.


Abigail: Was it all a dream?!

What, the last couple days? Or your entire life?

Abigail: I’ll take as much as I can get, thank you.

Abigail: Better get started on that term paper.

You don’t even have a real major yet.

Abigail: Better pick one, then. And get started on that term paper.

You’re gonna pick a major and start your term paper without even having gone to a single class?

Abigail: Yeah. This way it’ll only be ten times better than anything the prof has ever written, instead of… well, let’s just say exponents would be involved.

Sid: MY FARTS SMELL LIKE COWS
Leonora: I love you guys. You guys make me look so incredibly hot.

Abigail: But some folks around here don’t need any help!

Yeah. And then there’s Herb.

Abigail: I can’t help it, I’m attracted to everyone, I don’t know why, it’s kind of terrifying.

Celeste: Goddammit, that’s the last time I let a stranger buy me a drink. He stole my kneecaps.

Herb: Take off, Sid, you smell like shit.
Sid: It’s piss, actually.
Leonora: Then go walk back there with the cow!
Elle: Hi!

Sid: Maybe I’ll just go kill myself then.
Deirdre: Maybe good.

Elle: I’m trying out new gestures. How do you like my new mechanized version of “the shocker”?
Herb: STILL LESS OFFENSIVE THAN THE REAL THING

Herb: Seriously, cow, what the fuck is your problem?
Elle: Bad cow disease?

Abigail: Welp, that’s that then.

That’s what then?

Abigail: I’m done my term paper!

What? What the hell are you gonna do for the rest of the term?

Abigail: I dunno, screw?

Abigail: Or maybe mop. Something tool-related, anyway.

How is screwing tool-related?

Abigail: Don’t get around much, do you?

If I did, you wouldn’t exist.

Oh great. Zombie Llamie.

Gabe Chalmers: Can I come in?
Herb: What’s the password?
Gabe: Fada soola gor?
Herb: That’s three words. And together they mean “kill on sight.”

Gabe: Fada soola gor!
Abigail: Why didn’t the sentries kill it on sight?

Gabe: Fada soola bron!
Herb: I figured zombies were kinda your thing.
Abigail: And I suppose if a radium beast came in you’d have taken it to see Madame Curie.
Herb: Why not? She was gonna die anyway.

Gabe: Fada vaby oba vaba-
Herb: SHUT UP ALREADY WE GET IT

Gabe: Oh baby. Who’s the golden-haired vixen on the pinball machine?

Kana Fuchs.

Gabe: I dunno. You tell me!

Kea: Can you sleep my assignment too? I’m in a hurry.

Kana: Don’t look now, but it’s about to rain milk.

Elle: How about I get all up ons.
Kana: How about you back up offs.
Gabe: Everybody just calm the fuck downs.

Gabe: Oh, the love that dare not speak its name.

Said name being “furry.”

Sid: OOPS I DROPPED MY LEMONADE
Gabe: I CAN’T SEE PAST THIS HALF-WALL SO I’LL HAVE TO TAKE YOUR WORD ON THAT

Gabe: It’s nice of them to leave drinks out for visitors.

That is a bottle of zombie cure. It will turn you into dust.

Gabe: These energy drink slogans are ridiculous. Next they’ll be claiming to give you wings or something.

Gabe: BRAAAINNNNZ
Leonora: Uh… guys? I think we just accidentally turned a really pale person into a zombie.

Deirdre: Why are you all sitting down?
Chas: We’re filling up our action queues with assignments so the zombie can’t attack us.
Deirdre: Does that actually work?
Chas: Only if there’s some poor sap standing around to take the heat off us.
Deirdre: Well, you’re welcome then.

Gabe: Beaaaaannnnzzz…

Oh great. It’s a hipster zombie. Well done everyone.

Abigail: You gonna get any of that in your… mask…?

Sid: Okay, so. How do I not fuck this up again?

Just be yourself.

Sid: What? That’s what went wrong last time! She’ll never go out with me if I just be myself!

Exactly! I thought you were asking me how not to fuck up Abigail.

Abigail: I have decided to give you a second chance, because even though you’re kind of stupid and unattractive, you have an acceptable level of genetic diversity.

Sid: Wow… that… that really hits me right there, you know?

Elle: Hitting you right there is something I can totally get behind!

Elle: .oO(In SimSoviet SimRussia, cow eats you.)

Abigail: Oh no… there isn’t enough light in here for a Herb garden.

Being asleep is the only defense dormies have against being dead.

Abigail: Isn’t anyone else concerned about this?
Elle: What, me worry?

Sid: Okay. Okay. You can do this.
Celeste: No, you can’t.
Sid: Get back behind your counter.
Celeste: Not until the cow finishes its shower.

I guess pissing yourself might have an adverse effect on your confidence with girls, eh.

Abigail: Let me out.
Kea: Let me in.
Herb: LET ME SLEEP.

Abigail: So THAT’S why they invented high heels!

I knew there had to be a reason.

Elle: Time to die, Elpheba!

Celeste: WHY DID YOU IMPLY I’M A WITCH IT’S NOT MY FAULT I’M OLD
Elle: I DON’T KNOW I’M SO SORRY FORGIVE ME

Abigail: So if you want to become an evil cow mascot, do you attend Cow College or Clown College?

Kea: Ugh, don’t we have a homeowner’s association or something? We need to hire a custodian.

Elle: Ugh, how can I rape him if he’s always asleep?

Elle: …more easily?

Elle: Too easily.

Elle: A heifer’s gotta have standards.

Elle: This had better not be leather.

Herb: AM I NOT GOOD ENOUGHT TO RAPE OR SOMETHING

Herb: Speaking of –

NO. NO MORE RAPE JOKES.

Herb: …speaking of things I’m not good enough for…

Oh. Well. Yes.

Sorry.

Herb: Why are you looking at me like that?

I’m not, I’m still looking at how the ceiling doesn’t match.

Herb: Oh. I could have sworn you were looking at me with intense sympathy or something.

I can’t imagine why.

Elle: Imagine THIS!
Herb: I don’t have to, it’s all up in my face!

Herb: Why do you do this shit?
Elle: Udder contempt.

Herb: Can’t you do something about the cow?

Like what? Fill her pillow with rocks and give her her own journal?

Herb: Forget I said anything.

About what?

Herb: I’m gonna kill the next vegetarian I meet.

Elle: I’m a vegetarian.
Herb: WELL THAT’S JUST PLAIN EFFICIENT THEN

Elle: But I don’t mind fried meat!
Abigail: I have no interest at all in this subplot, I’m out.

Abigail: Thought experiment time! I call it “Abigail’s Cow.” If the narrator is not there to see the cow annoy someone, is it still annoying someone?

Yeah, probably.

Herb: I don’t wanna be in a thought experiment with you!

Elle: WELL SCIENCE SAYS FUCK YOU THEN

Elle: And I always do what science tells me!

Elle: See what you made me do? Now you’re violating the laws of physics. That’s what happens when you mess with science, buddy.

Herb: Alright cow, I’ve had about enough of your shit.

Elle: How about some belches, then?

Herb: How about that’s worse.

Elle: I’ve got your nose in this pillow case!
Herb: Give it back!
Elle: Please accept these feathers as compensation.

Okay, so if the cow is walking away… why are you following it?

Herb: This is my Ragnarok. I wouldn’t wish it on anyone else.

Herb: FANCY MEETING YOU HERE.
Elle: You followed me here.
Herb: DON’T CHANGE THE SUBJECT.

Herb: I’m out of here, something stinks.
Elle: I got here first. And you’re the one that stinks.
Herb: DON’T CHANGE THE SUBJECT.

Elle: I’ll just change the target, then.

Celeste: Cut it out, bitch. I know fifteen ways to cook a cow.

Elle: Know any ways to unbreak a nose?

Celeste: NO.

Celeste: What? What are you looking at?
Kea: I have not the heart to tell you.

Elle: Your pancakes look too dry.

Celeste: THIS IS MUCH BETTER THANK YOU

Elle: SEE THIS RED THING?!
Kea: Yeah?

Elle: THIS RED THING EXPLODES

I never get tired of seeing that.

Kea: This is not how I like girls to make me wet!

That was pretty far to go for a lesbian joke.

Kea: Almost like lesbian jokes aren’t good jokes.

Almost, but not quite.

Elle: Where are you going?
Celeste: I’m throwing out your plate.
Elle: Aren’t you supposed to… wash them instead?
Celeste: I’m also going to burn the dorm down when you leave.

Celeste: It won’t be much of a loss, all things considered.

Elle: Hoof and mouth disease!
Kea: I already ate!

Elle: Is it snowing outside, or is there a stone-cold superfox in the room?!
Leonora: Is this going to end eventually?

God, I hope so. I’m just going through the motions at this point.

Herb: Herb, Herb, Herb of the jungle! Strong as he can be!
Leonora: Watch out for that pee!

Herb: Why? It’s mine.

Herb: What?

Leonora: I think I need one of these in my room.

Just keeping my cred up.

Herb: I’ve had a hard day, baby. You wanna come back to my room and have a hard night, if you know what I mean?
Abigail: By which you mean I’d be sleeping on the floor.
Herb: Well, it’s a single bed, and I need my rest.

Kana: I need in there.
Abigail: I got here first, the toilet is mine.
Kana: I don’t want the toilet, I want the newspaper.

Kana: I want to see if there’s anything in there about limbs clipping through solid objects.

Abigail: STOP INTERACTING WITH ME GODDAMMIT

Abigail: OR AT LEAST STOP BEING SO FUCKING BORING

Kana: That girl seriously needs to have a hard night.

Chas: I’m helping!

Abigail: Well, the landscaping is pretty barren, but at least there’s a water feature.

Sid: I wanna put my engine on your track.
Abigail: I get the engine part, but what would the track represent in this case?
Sid: Pretty much anywhere you’ll let me put my engine, really. It’s university, I’m not picky.

Abigail: Your persistence looks like romance from a distance, Sid. And that’s better than most people here can manage.

Sid: I’m the best of a bad lot!

Abigail: I’m gonna hoover the lint off your tweed jacket with my mouth.
Sid: She cares!

Abigail: Call me!
Sid: What? Why? You’re right here!

Abigail: I mean call me during my exam. With the answers. I haven’t done any studying.
Sid: Will the prof be okay with that?
Abigail: He won’t see it, I won’t be holding the phone over my breasts.

I don’t know how to solve that with those extra addition marks.

Anyway, yeah! That sucked. Next time: adultery. Because it’s been a whole two updates since we’ve had that.

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