The Pine Valley Chronicles, Chapter Seventy-Four

Welcome to the Pine Valley Chronicles, an ongoing neighbourhood story in The Sims 2!
Warning: this journal may contain uncensored nudity, violence, profanity and sexual themes.

Updates on Friday every week!

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Yep yep, rising from my grave again. I’ve got the revolving coffin lid and everything.

Last time in the Pine Valley Chronicles…

Because I’m sure some of you have forgotten. By which I mean all of you.


Aurora: What, no tip?
Abigail: Here’s one: don’t solicit from zombies.

Abigail: Oh, shit. I think I’m turning into Sailor Moon.

Nah, you look more like Sailor Mercury.

…what? WHAT?

Abigail: Hey hey! Not bad!

For a festering blob of rotten flesh.

Abigail: We’re at university now, that’s pretty much standard.

Abigail: Uuuugh. I told Andrew we should have gone with talc-flavoured. Nobody likes grape.

Abigail: HOLY SHIT TREE YOU SNUCK UP ON ME THERE

Well. You’ve certainly cured my crush on you.

Unfortunately, it’s one of those conditions that can relapse.

Abigail: Goodbye, stinky past…

Abigail: …hello, stinky future!

Abigail: …what the fuck am I wearing.

They coded it like this on purpose. This way the default clothing at least gets some use.

Romeo Kee: Hello!
Abigail: Hello hellllllooooooooo!
Romeo: I don’t like U2.

Romeo: I think you’re hot, but it’s hard to tell what with that big spout of flame behind us that I don’t understand.

It’s a memorial for Vanessa Sharpe, who killed herself (and her sister Virginia) in a fire, and later came back as her half-sister’s fake lesbian full sister.

Romeo: Well. When you put it that way, I still don’t understand.

Celeste: How do you have an assignment already? The academic year hasn’t started yet.
Romeo: It’s… from last semester?
Celeste: This university has been closed for like five years!
Romeo: It’s… from my old school?
Celeste: There’s only one university in this state!
Romeo: OKAY FINE IT’S TOTALLY FAKE AND MY LIFE IS JUST A SERIES OF PANTOMIMES TO GIVE THE IMPRESSION OF BACKGROUND DEPTH. HAPPY NOW?!

This can’t be the campus store. Where’s the giant lineup of undergrads waiting to buy fifty overpriced books they never intend to open?

And nobody looks that hot in first year.

August McNulty: Hey… hey… how are you doing that.
Chas Mayo: Uh… uh… I have no idea.

Gabe: Man oh man! Dibs on Vampira!
August: Not if I choke you to death first!

Abigail: You boys can choke me to death any time.

Man, why the hell are you so horny now?

Abigail: It sure can’t have anything to do with the fact that you never let me have sex.

Calvin Wallen in the background shows us the proper use of a bathroom door.

Chas: How are you so hot, girl? It ain’t natural!

No, you’re right. I’m beginning to suspect it’s scientific.

Abigail: I choose to neither confirm nor deny.

I think the evidence speaks for itself.

Abigail: Oh yeah! I’m gonna tap that ass! And develop a clean method of extracting ass energy.

Abigail: And the way that dude looks like he’s grabbing that other dude’s crotch is so not homosexual.

Abigail: Tell me the truth: does this skirt make my ass look hot?

Gabe: Yes. Yes, it looks very hot. Give me an hour and swing by my dorm room, and you can cool it down on some nice satin sheets. While I bang you. Like forever.

Okay seriously. You can’t find literally every single dude hot!

…holy shit. You can?

Um… new skirt already?

Abigail: I’m a scientist, remember? Just because something already works, doesn’t mean you can’t tweak it to work better.

Gina Landchild the Atrociously Evil Witch: I hear there’s a my pretty here to get!

Abigail: You guys really have promising careers ahead of you. In bulkheadery.

August: Hey yeah, a slinky little blue number. This should go great with my black lace bra!

Abigail: SHOPPING IS FOR REAL PEOPLE. GOODBYE.

Man. There should be more college slasher movies about witches.

Oh, come on. A blind nymphomaniac wouldn’t find that dude attractive.

And for fuck’s sake pay attention, the rape llamas are resorting to stealth now!

Don’t tell me you’re wearing llama musk, too…

Gina Landchild the Atrociously Evil Witch: No doubt you’re all cowering in awe of my terrible powers!
Abigail: We’re pretty much exchanging numbers and making promises of meaningless sex.
Gina Landchild the Atrociously Evil Witch: Excellent! Your state of fear has progressed to apocalyptic levels! My bottled water and electrical generator business will flourish! WAHAHAHAHAHA!

Abigail: You might do better with a condom factory.

Chris Hourvitz: ROAD PILLOWS!

Wendy: …NO road pillows!

I AGREE.

Keep that shit up and I’m taking away your shopping privileges.

Don’t you dare. That ridiculous suit is the only way we have of differentiating the rapists from the non-rapists. If you change your clothes we’re going to have to go by actual rapes, and that’s no fun for anybody.
Except you, but we’re not doing that kind of fun in my journal.

Prof. Sadie Goldman: Hello? Hello? Let me in?

What do you want?

Prof. Sadie Goldman: Human interaction?

Abigail: Too bad!

Geez. Learn some new tricks already, would you?

Abigail: Oh, good. Pansearedcakes.

Celeste: Two scoops of ash in every bite!

Abigail: At least.

Celeste: You want some I Can’t Believe It’s Not Charcoal with that?

So, let me guess. You think it’s halloween, and the ridiculous beard store was closed.

Sid Atherton: I hear that hot mad scientist chick is hear, so I’m wearing her son’s clothes to impress her!

No, if you’re going for the whole incest angle, you’re thinking of the Sharpes.

The Murphy/Young thing is more… people dying.

So maybe you should pick a new target is what I’m saying.

In a different neighbourhood.

In someone else’s game, even.

Whatever, it’s your funeral.

Spoilers!

Sid: Hey hey, who’s the frost bitch?

Abigail: Is that like “Ice Queen,” only through a retard filter?

Kea: What am I doing here? I was just in the last chapter!

So?

Kea: So I know how this goes! The more often I appear, the more likely I am to die!

Not true. Your likelihood of death starts off at 100% automatically.

Big whoop. From what we’ve seen so far, you probably find chalk outlines sexy.

Abigail: Hey elephant man! I hear there’s new cosmetic surgeries that could fix you right up.

Sid: I bet you know all about elephantism, what with that ass and all.

Abigail: Elephantism isn’t even a thing. You’re thinking of elephantiasis. And it’s more common in dudes. But it makes your dick scaly, like a fish. Anything you want to tell me about?

Sid: That’s a lovely look you’ve got going there. What do you call it? “Seagull with its head covered in oil”?

Wow, Abby. Even the lesbians?

Abigail: I can’t help it if everyone has such staggering good taste.

Sid: I don’t like girls who can beat me in arguments.

I can’t really sympathize with you on that. I’ve never met one.

Romeo: Heyyyyyyy y’all where’d the dyke go?

Romeo: .oO(Man, I think of the best pickup lines!)

Abigail: So, what’re you going to do after you graduate? Assuming we can pretend you’re going to graduate.

Sid: I thought I might swing by Pine Valley, find myself a mad scientist.

Sid: Cover her in massage oil, and blow her mind.

Abigail: I’ll help you fill out the grant applications.

Hm. I dunno. I think if you gave me this dude, I might melt him or have something eat him or something.

At least he’s not totally deformed. I could let him pass on his genes before he dies, at least.

Sid: What more could an id want?

Sid: Hey, do you know that chick on the serial killer show? Could you get me her autograph? Or her phone number? Or something out of her trash can? I’m not picky.

Abigail: That’s a great thing to say to a girl you’re chatting up.
Celeste: This is my impression of you.

Sid: I thought we were engaging in banter! I’m new at this whole thing.
Abigail: What whole thing?
Sid: This whole existing thing. I wasn’t initialized until you moved in just now.

Abigail: Ignorance of the law is no excuse.

Abigail: Adorable haplessness, though, just might be.

Sid: I’m sorry, I just got so flustered by your perfect boobs. I want to push on them. Like this.

Abigail: I’m just gonna assume that was god fucking with your dialogue again.

Sid: Keep that assumption in mind and we’re gonna get along fine!

Nobody looked like this in my first year of university. This game has no idea what young adults are really like.

Ira Crum: To be fair, I’ve been using growth hormone like crazy. If I don’t slam my arms in a door three times a day they swell up like tree trunks and turn green.

Good story.

It’s a beautiful day, eh?

Herb Brantley: I don’t care much for butterflies.

Abigail: Me either. I’m more of a birds and bees chick, myself.

Christ woman, are your panties itchy or something?

Abigail: I will get into your system. Like tiny bugs. Like tiny bugs, all inside you.

Abigail: And you’ll try to get me out, but it will be too late.
Herb: SCIENCE ROMANCE IS BAD ROMANCE

Herb: I mean seriously, bugs? Is that the best you can do? BUGS?

Abigail: Well, I couldn’t think of any good virus analogies on the spot.

Kea: I smell a future lesbian!

Herb: Future lesbianism is hot.

Abigail: You look a bit like my first husband. He was blonde. And Maxis.
Herb: And inside you, occasionally?
Abigail: Yeah, that’s one difference. At the moment. We should fix that.

Abigail: Look, part of the ceiling doesn’t match.
Herb: Aww, you noticed!

Abigail: I don’t know what major to pick. Maybe biology or mathematics, I’m thinking. Something science like that.

Herb: I’ve always been an undeclared kind of guy, myself. I was thinking I’d stay here, undeclared, until some calamity or other gets me killed and some new random dormie replaces me.
Abigail: Oooh, I’m a sucker for a man with a plan!

Herb: Academic counselling, eat your heart out.

Kea: OMG CLASS

Ira: OMG RUN
Abigail: Don’t bother. Until I arrive, there’s no class.

I have really got to start getting more involved in the selection process.

Kana Fuchs: Hey, aren’t you world-famous mad scientist Abigail Young?
Abigail: No, I’m world-famous mad scientist vampire zombie all-around-hottie Abigail Young. I forgive your ignorance, though, I’m not wearing my rotten blue skin right now.

Kea: Man, wasn’t Undeclared great today?! We learned all kinds of stuff about dying alone in gutters!

Abigail: Hahaha, look at that little dude. He’s all like “Well, I dunno!” Adorable.

Kea: Ignore me again and I’ll set your dress on fire.

Abigail: Welp, that’s my signal to go. To the campus police. At a brisk run.

Ira: Hey hey hey! Nerd entertainments are over there. Video games are just for attractive cool people now. Haven’t you watched TV lately?

Abigail: I LIKE BOOK CHESS BETTER ANYWAY

Ira: WELL IT’S NOT AS GOOD AS BOOK COUCHING

Sid: We’re racing, aren’t we.
Chas Mayo: But we can’t actually run or she’ll know.
Sid: I think my legs are longer than yours.
Chas Mayo: I don’t believe in evolution, that doesn’t mean anything.

Abigail: Oh, you won the race? I figured the dude who looked like he could survive a light push was gonna.
Sid: He caught some sunlight through the windows and his pale vampire skin caught fire.

Sid: Dude, I won, get over it.
Chas: But… sex.
Abigail: Ew, no. Vagina only, please.

Chas: You have a dirty mind, and I’m glad I lost now.

Abigail: You’d have a dirty mind too, if you were an eighty-year-old in this body.

Abigail: Oh, this is just trash. They’ll never accept it with only fifty citations!

You’re filling out your registration form.
Abigail: I know, right?! That shit gets peer reviewed to death!

Abigail: Hey boys! What’s for dinner!
Chas: These yellow worm-looking things.
Abigail: Haven’t been a student long, huh, Chas?

Abigail: Are you looking down my shirt while you get up?

Abigail: Are you looking down my shirt while you walk past?
Herb: Two scores in one night! I might as well go to bed now, nothing can top that.

Sid: Are you still pointing at the ceiling? I thought they fixed that already.

Abigail: All I’m saying is, my bust is a must.

Abigail: I mean look at this shit! Honed to perfection by the miracles of science and genetics!

Sid: Keep looking at that shit and I will break you.

Abigail: Oh hey, if you die, can you talk to my firstborn? His name is Kyle and he’ll probably be going “oooh, oooh, I’m a ghost vampire, because I liked hanging around windows in the daytime like an asshole.
Chas: It’s so hot when you insult my people.
Sid: You’re not a real vampire, Chas. That was a joke I made up just a few minutes ago.
Chas: Jokes are the only reality around here, dumbass.

Herb: Hotness overload! Can’t move!

And that’s where all my grades went in undergrad.

Herb: I bet that one just gets drunk and has sex. I bet that one hasn’t got any smartass science crap.
Leonora Griffiths: I resent those accusations. Buy me a drink and take me back to your place to apologize.

Abigail: No, seriously! I’m like a hundred years old, only I’ve kept myself in shape, and a genie turned me into a teenager so I could go to university and become an even madder mad scientist.

Sid: That’s stupid, even for this journal.

Abigail: You think so? Wait’ll you see the witches.

Kea: Um, hello? I wanna have a shower? Take off?

Abigail: Um, hello? Dormies aren’t even people. Take off yourself and go piss your pants on the sidewalk.

Kea: Not even the cute ones?

Breeding privileges only, for the cute ones.

That’s about as close to nudity as we’re getting on this one, folks.

Abigail: Great plan. Disappear for a few months and then upload a chapter with no violence or nudity.

There’s some cows in the next one…

Abigail: Careful, you don’t want to overexcite them.

Abigail: What are you doing in my room?
Chas: Doing your homework for you.
Abigail: And why are you doing that?
Chas: So you’ll have but sex with me.

Chas: Although your poor spelling is a bit of a turn-off.
Abigail: Dumb and pliable, just what I always wanted!

Abigail: But fuck off, I’m going to bed now.

Abigail: …only what is that smell?!

Chas: I bet the pee dries up before she finds it.

Next time: more of this, actually. You’ll live.

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