The Pine Valley Chronicles, Chapter Seventy-One

Welcome to the Pine Valley Chronicles, an ongoing neighbourhood story in The Sims 2!
Warning: this journal may contain uncensored nudity, violence, profanity and sexual themes.

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In which things start to happen.


Last time in the Pine Valley Chronicles…

Did you miss the newspapers?

You’re looking perky!

Melanie: Yeah! I heard there’s a new plot starting today!

I was talking about your tits. What, you thought I was looking at your face? Man, women are so naive.

William: Yes. I’m counting on that.

Excited to actually be doing something again?

William: So excited. Can’t you tell?

Oh, yeah. I don’t really notice… that, anymore. It’s like how people in Toronto don’t notice the CN Tower.

William: And bring your boyfriend too!
Chelsea: Are you sure? I thought you guys didn’t get along.
William: Why wouldn’t we get along? I love firefighters.
Chelsea: I know he’s an evil secret agent, William.
William: So he moonlights! Big deal.

Peter: So… you’re sure he explicitly invited me.
Chelsea: Yeah, it was pretty explicit. He had his penis out and everything.

Peter: You stand over there. I know what a dick magnet you are.
Chelsea: Why else would I be stuck with you?

William: Peter! Haven’t seen you around the office much lately!
Peter: Heh, well, you know, I’ve been busy. Undercover stuff.
William: Top secret, huh?
Peter: You know it!
William: Yes. Yes, I do.

Peter: You go talk to the asshole. I’m gonna search his trash.

William: Yes, sir, that’s right. I’ll need building permits, and construction contracts, and an exemption from the Carnivorous Fauna act. If you could send them over in a locked case to my office downtown, that would be great.

Are you talking to the President?

William: Don’t be ridiculous. I’m talking to Jim Rockford. Dude’s a natural-born forger.

Peter: Is that Zombie Queen Melanie Lillard?
Chelsea: I think it is Zombie Queen Melanie Lillard!
Melanie: God, didn’t you guys get the memo? I haven’t been a zombie for like ages now. Can’t we have a civilized conversation?
Peter: You’re right, I’m sorry.
Chelsea: We weren’t thinking.

Melanie: Damn right you weren’t, your sister ate your brains! And then you ate his brains! AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Peter: Tell me more about how my penis rotting off was all your fault.

William: Yes sir, it’s all in the interest of world peace. I knew I could count on your cooperation, sir.

NOW you’re talking to the President.

William: No, I’m talking to Batman, he’s explaining how to hollow out a basement cave without anybody noticing. Dude, what is with you and the President? He’s just a figurehead.

Melanie: This isn’t working. I can’t get rid of the broad.

Try that party trick you know, it always sends people home screaming.

Melanie: I CAN’T EAT BRAINS ANYMORE. We talked about this! I’m on a diet.

Peter: I don’t know what their game is, but something smells fishy.
Chelsea: Well, you are sitting too close to my crotch.

Peter: It’s more than that. I think William’s on to me. I think he knows we manipulated his sister into committing suicide, and then manipulated her friend into resurrecting Melanie as a zombie, and then manipulated your sister into letting the zombies eat all your friends.

Chelsea: …do you think you could write all that down? I have to see the police chief tomorrow anyway, to clear up all those indecent exposure charges.

Kitty: Hi Mr. Sharpe! Off to work?
William: Yup! Where I routinely murder people with a machinegun. Say, are those bills?
Kitty: Not anymore!

Peter: Damn girl, you look good when you twist yourself up like that!
Chelsea: Peter, I’ve told you before, I don’t want to hear about your mangled corpse fetish.

Peter: It’s funny, though, because post-mangled post-corpses are not hot at all.
Melanie: I can see it’s going to be harder to seduce you than I thought.
Peter: Not necessarily, I’ve got a lot of self-loathing going on.

Pretty sure women are the reason men evolved eyes.

Peter: I dunno, maybe if you put on some makeup. You’re just so… base-gamey.
Melanie: I don’t do makeup. Dude, remember when you were a zombie and your skin kept sloughing off? Well, imagine having to do that manually every night before bed.

Melanie: Listen, you play ball with me, I’ll play with your balls.
Peter: I can’t fault your wordplay!

I can’t fault your girlfriend.

Chelsea: Sure you can. You find faults in everything.

Yes. It’s called perception.

Peter: Are you offering to let me bang you? Because I’m totally down with fucking William’s girlfriend.

Melanie: We might have a small yard, but it’ll fit at least two milkshake-inclined boys.

Yeah, that’ll make a great picture. What’re you gonna call it, “Polygon Fail”?
Chelsea: No, I was thinking “Blue, balls.”

Chelsea: Hey, my boyfriend! Having a good chat with William’s girlfriend?
Melanie: We don’t all need reminders not to cheat, Chelsea. We’re not all whores.
Chelsea: No, that’s true. Most of you aren’t good-looking enough.

Peter: Hey, check this out! It’s a new trick I learned.

Peter: It’s called “Fuck Your Wainscotting.”

Melanie: That was pretty impressive, Peter! The way you handled that shaft and balls.
Peter: Baby, I’m the shaft and balls master.
Chelsea: Keep it up and you’ll be the shaft and balls masturbator. Because I won’t have sex with you. Because I’ll be mad.
Melanie: That was terrible.
Chelsea: Yeah, I know.

Melanie: Be right back, I have to let you see my awesome ass.
Peter: Take your time! I’ll be standing here. Erect.

Chelsea: LOOK. I haven’t decided whether I’m okay with dating a criminal or not. Don’t go fucking shit up by flirting with the Zombie Queen!
Peter: I won’t, I swear! She’s undead to me!

Chelsea: If you screw around on me, I’ll tell the press about your scheme to hold the world ransom with the threat of nuclear war.

Peter: AHAHHOOHOOHAH! She thinks it’s a threat.

Chelsea: So, how did you and William end up together?

Melanie: Well, when we met, he was dating Sunny. So I made her a zombie, and he had to kill her.

Melanie: My ass did the rest.

Chelsea: Remind me never to talk to you again! Through pantomime, I guess.

Melanie: So there was this bitch, right? Minding her own business?
Peter: Fuck her!

Melanie: She totally got her ass kicked!
Peter: Right up the ass!

Melanie: By my zombie lieutanant.
Peter: Man you guys were awesome.

Peter: But not as awesome as my awesome girlfriend of awesomeness!
Chelsea: Very good, you heard me coming down the stairs.
Peter: No, your tracking device set off my proximity alarm. But that was a good guess.

Peter: So if you’d turned everyone into zombies, what then? Were we just gonna rot into the ground and… fertilize the plants, or something? Did you guys have an endgame?
Melanie: We weren’t gonna turn everyone into zombies, we were gonna save a few breeding pairs to keep producing babies. For eating.
Peter: Hey, that’s a great idea! Do you mind if I get my notepad?

Chelsea: Why are you collecting methods of perpetuating pain and suffering, Peter?
Peter: It’s like a grad school education for mass murderers. Now stop talking, I’m trying to learn.
Chelsea: Good luck learning when you’re homeless.

Peter: Yes. Okay. I’m sorry.
Chelsea: We’ll be going now.
Peter: Can I stay just a little bit longer?
Chelsea: Alright, but be home before dark! You know how I worry.

Melanie: So, no hard feelings?
Chelsea: As long as you don’t give my boyfriend any hard feelings.
Melanie: With this stupid duck face?

Chelsea: Okay, I’m gonna go order a baby cradle online or something! Then when you get home you can impregnate me. So you’re tied down forever. You asshole.
Peter: Hey, hate the player, not the game!

Peter: Even if the player cheats.

Melanie: Okay, so yeah! Shall we head up to the bedroom?
Peter: Look, fucking up William’s life is a fantasy of mine. I’m in no mood to rush it.
Melanie: What if he comes home and finds us in a compromising position?
Peter: Then I’ll use you as a human shield, and stab him with a pool cue.
Melanie: Now seriously, this conversation has got to be turning you on.

Melanie: I’m not kidding though. If he comes home and we’re making out, he’s gonna whack you.

Peter: Lady, I know things about death you can’t even imagine.

Melanie: Buddy, I’ve met death half a dozen times. I have his number on speed-dial. We’re having lunch downtown next Thursday.

Melanie: I was fucking up the world when you were still fucking up your diapers.

Peter: I was never in diapers. I’ve always been an adult.

Melanie: It’s no good! I can’t get through to him!

Show him what you look like from this angle. It’s getting through to me!

Melanie: Okay, so how about this: let’s at least go upstairs so we’ll hear it when he comes in.
Peter: And we can hide behind his bedroom door, making out naked, so when he walks in I can be all like “BAM! Fucking your wife with one hand and shooting you with a machine gun with the other! Dakkadakkadakkadakka!”
Melanie: Or… we can… not kill him.
Peter: Brilliant! I can prepare a torture chamber in Chelsea’s house, and we can keep him in perpetual agony, always on the cusp of life and death, while he’s forced to watch me fuck you with one hand and turn the crank with the other! “CRRRRACK!”
Melanie: What is it with you and hand-fucking?

You know, in a certain light, I think I can sort of see through your shirt.

Melanie: Somehow, this is exactly how I expected God to act.

Elizabeth Ku: Hey Mr. Sharpe! I’ve been looking in your windows, and I think I saw your wife cheating on you with some douchebag!
William: Did you also see your life flashing before your eyes?
Elizabeth: Um… no?
William: Well, so much for that myth.

Peter: How come your house has so many empty rooms?
Melanie: They symbolize the emptiness of our souls.
Peter: Wow, really?
Melanie: That, and the emptiness of our wallpaper-and-furniture budget. Buying this house back was expensive.

Melanie: Rarr! Tickle monster!
Peter: Ahahaha! Stop it! Stop it! I’ll tickle you back!
Melanie: Fool! Seek not to battle with tickle monsters, lest ye become a tickle monster!


Melanie: Hee hee hee! We’re already monsters.
Peter: Ha ha ha! We totally are.

Melanie: Hey, hey Peter… You’re surrounded by waves of stink fumes.
Peter: You noticed!

Peter: The logical solution is a sponge bath in the kitchen.

William: Goddammit, logical solutions! You’re ruining everything!

William: Well, if I’m gonna be stuck outside, I might as well enjoy it.

Melanie: So now you’re standing around in the bathroom. And you still stink.
Peter: It turns out you have hard water. I can’t have a sponge bath with hard water. I have standards, you know.

Melanie: Goodbye, Peter.


William: Wow. I told you to seduce him, but that’s just ridiculous.
Melanie: Ha ha. So now I’m carrying your baby. How am I supposed to get sicko in the sack now?
William: Are you kidding? I bet the only thing he’d like better than fucking my girlfriend is fucking my pregnant girlfriend. Maybe he thinks the sperm will make the baby his.

William: And anyway I don’t want you to actually fuck him, I just want you to make out with him.
Melanie: Aww, really? That’s no fun.

William: It’s not supposed to be fun, it’s supposed to be practical. If I just shoot the fucker, Chelsea will resurrect him. But if she catches him cheating on her, and then I shoot him, she’ll probably just have sex with me.
Melanie: You did that thing again.
William: What thing?
Melanie: That thing where you accidentally elaborate on things you don’t want me to know.

William: That’s okay, I erase your memories while you sleep.
Melanie: Could you do something about the one where I stood in a puddle of my own piss for ten years? It’s not doing a lot for me, let me tell you.

William: So yeah, date my nemesis so I can murder him.

Melanie: Curse your honeyed words!

William: If we do it enough times, will you have twins? Or triplets?
Melanie: I don’t think that’s how it works.
William: There’s only one way to find out!
Melanie: Wikipedia!
William: I was thinking… I was thinking more sex.
Melanie: Yeah, but that’s always what you’re thinking.

William: Yeah… it is.

Well, you’re in luck! Next time: oh. Not a lot of sex. There’s some shooting, though! So that’s pretty cool.

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