The Pine Valley Chronicles, Chapter Sixty-Eight

Welcome to the Pine Valley Chronicles, an ongoing neighbourhood story in The Sims 2!
Warning: this journal may contain uncensored nudity, violence, profanity and sexual themes.

Updates on Friday every week!

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Where’ve I been? Where’ve you been?


Out on patrol, are we?

Theresa: These people don’t need secret agents. They need birth control and padded cells.

Yeah, especially the birth control part.

Deborah: Michael! Help! My life is meaningless!
Michael: Oh no! You’ve gone bankrupt?!

Michael: Nah, you can’t have gone bankrupt. I still find you attractive.

Michael: Oh yeah baby, kiss my jacket sleeve.

Excellent. Let’s put all our boring eggs in one boring basket.

Deborah: Please put your eggs in my basket, Michael.
Michael: If by that you mean you want me to put my sperm in your eggs… yeah, no. Forget it. That isn’t going to happen.

Deborah: WELL THEN I GUESS I’LL JUST KEEP ON BEING NOBODY

Do what you know.

Okay, secret agents, I buy. Superheroes, I buy. (I’m nerdy.) But newspaper fact checkers?! How stupid do you think we are?

Aw, come on. Don’t invite anyone over. Just go to bed so I can move on to more interesting people.

Deborah: The next household is Lucas.

Oh shit, forget I said anything.

Why you repugnant little bitch.

Lucas: Do not be applying affectionate nicknames to my women!

Lucas: Even the ones who I am burning in my head and in my head bubbles.

Lucas: Pink one. Pink one is… Peppy. Pappy. Poopy?

No, that’s the lesbian.

Lucas: Okay. Pink one is… Wilhelm? Willem?

William is the head of the SCIA. And he’s a dude.

Lucas: Pink one is fine with just being pink one?
Deborah: Whip out your own pink one, and you can call me anything you like.

Deborah: I’ve got some coke in the fridge. You wanna pour it on me, and then lick it off?
Lucas: Why I am pouring on if I am then licking off? Is waste of time?
Deborah: No, it’s… see, it’s sexy. It’s a sexy thing.
Lucas: Is a messy thing, I think.

Deborah: Fine. Just do your usual messy thing, then. But make it extra messy.

Lucas: I will not be looking at you while we make love. You are a strange pale alien and it will be killing the mood.
Deborah: Works for me, you might not notice me slipping off the condom that way.
Lucas: Is working for me too, whatever it is you are saying. I am no longer listening, so I am not being tempted to look at your featureless noise-holes.

Deborah: Whew! That didn’t work.
Lucas: What not working? Lucas is working fine. Problem must be on client’s end.

Deborah: Alright. Get back out here, we’ll go again, and I’ll let you fix the problems on my end.
Lucas: In your end?
Deborah: Only after I hear the baby chime.
Lucas: This “baby chime,” it is not meaning that I am giving you a baby?
Deborah: Of course not, it’s totally unrelated to you giving me a baby oh my god please I need a baby.
Lucas: I am believing this entirely.

Lucas: We go again in the mornings.
Deborah: If you fall asleep now, your jeans are going to fit a whole lot better when you wake up.

Lucas: I am not understanding the threat, but I am hearing the tone of voice.

Lucas: You are insatiable, hideous man-woman!
Deborah: And my standards are really low, too!
Lucas: And that as well!

I take it you heard the chimes.

Deborah: I wonder how well our genetics will match up.

Do you want to know about appearance, or personality?

Deborah: I’ll take both.

Okay. Your kid will have no ugly on the outside, to make up for all the ugly on the inside.

Deborah: Awesome, private schools don’t care about all that inside crap.

Deborah: Oh, Lucas. Our son or daughter will make us proud.
Lucas: Daughters do not make proud. They are only for selling.

Lucas:

Lucas:

Lucas: …what you are talking about, “our son or daughter”?

Lucas: Okay! Well. Fuck you, you horrible bitch.

Angel: Fuck me, you horrible bastard!

Flowers?

Kitty: For Lucas!

Kitty: Oh, Lucas! Our date was the stuff dreams are made of!

Kitty: YOU CHEATING SACK OF SHIT

Angel: Hi Kitty!
Kitty: Remind me to kill you later today.
Angel: Nice Kitty!

Kitty: So, here’s my only criteria: nobody with a poop fetish.
Felicia: You’d be surprised how often I hear that.

Kitty: I see… I see it! I see him! He’s indistinct, but the image is getting clearer!
Felicia: Shit, really? I thought this thing was just for show.

Felicia: Anyway, here’s an ugly old man for you.

Felicia: His name is Ugly Old Man.
Prof. Johnson Trottier: His name is Prof. Johnson Trottier.
Kitty: If those are my options, I’m gonna go with the gypsy on this one.

Kitty: This is not happening.
Prof. Johnson: I know. It’s a lot to take in.
Kitty: No, I mean… this is not happening. Goodbye.

Prof. Johnson: I put on my best do-rag and everything. >:[

Kitty: Alright, that was a waste of five thousand bucks.
Felicia: Ready for another round?
Kitty: I’ll have to sell half the contents of Lucas’ house to afford that.
Felicia: I don’t see the problem.
Kitty: You know, neither do I.

Kitty: Okay… okay now I see a problem.

Kitty: Can we maybe move on from this one grody old man, please?
Prof. Johnson: Before he goes insane?

Kitty: Okay, somebody younger. And not as ugly.
Prof. Johnson: I’m right here.
Kitty: And make him smart. And interesting.
Prof. Johnson: We’re still on a date!
Kitty: And make sure he can take a hint, too.

Alvin: What Science is this?!

Yesss.

Kitty: Hi! I’m Kitty. What’s your name?
Alvin: Alvin Woodrow, Space Adventurer!
Kitty: You’re a space adventurer?
Alvin: No, I’m unemployed. I thought you were just asking what my name is.

Prof. Johnson: Your name is shit, that’s what it is.

Kitty: So, how’s about we go catch a movie or something?
Alvin: I ONLY HAVE EYES FOR SCIENCE

Kitty: Okay… you wanna go get something to eat then?
Alvin: I ONLY EAT SCIENCE

Kitty: Alright… we could… stay here? And you could… help me sort the recycling?
Alvin: I ONLY RECYCLE SCIENCE
Kitty: You are gonna stop that eventually, right?
Alvin: YOU CAN’T STOP THE SCIENCE

Kitty: I’ve got it! We can go leave your mangled corpse in a ditch!

Alvin: OH MY GOD YOU’RE SO FUNNY THAT’S AWESOME

Kitty: I guess we’re gonna sit out here in the snow, since you science vetoed everything else.
Alvin: It’s just that once you Science, everything else is like a bag of poo by comparison.

Especially actual bags of poo, I imagine.

How well does snow burn, exactly?

Pretty well.

Alvin: Some guy is lighting a bag of poo on fire. On your porch.
Kitty: He’s a university professor.

Alvin: Ohhhh, I get it. Tenure.

Kitty: I know just where to put this.

Kitty: So, how do you like our place?
Alvin: Needs more-
Kitty: -science, yeah, I know. Needs more everything, really.
Alvin: Where’d all your stuff go?
Kitty: Sold it to pay the gypsy.
Alvin: Oh. Okay. To get your stolen baby back.
Kitty: Gypsies don’t actually steal babies, Alvin.

Well, not yet anyway.

Kitty: There’s a “Kick Me” sign on your back.
Alvin: Oh, those rapscallions down at the lab! They’re always finding new ways to test Perturbation Theory.

Kitty: Do you dance?
Alvin: No, but I make faces!

Kitty: You’re not half bad, Alvin.
Alvin: That’s really nice of you to say, but since all of my cells will be replaced pretty soon it’s more or less meaningless.
Kitty: Okay… maybe you’re a little bit more than half bad.

Kitty: So we’re basically only dating to piss off the dude who lives here.
Alvin: He disapproves of dating?
Kitty: He disapproves of me cheating on him.
Alvin: Weird! But why are you cheating on him?
Kitty: Because he cheated on me! With a slob.
Alvin: So you’re cheating on him with the Ideal Hobbyist for Science.
Kitty: Yeah, I was hoping for the male slob but he should still be plenty insulted by you.

Yay, the boo hiss is back.

What the fuck does that mean.

Alvin: Hey baby! Call me! Oh yeah!
Kitty: You’re right here.
Alvin: I’m just repeating things I’ve heard other people say to women. On TV. Alone. In the dark. In my parents’ basement.

Kitty: Hi, Angel? Hi! You should come over later and hang out with Lucas. I would, but I’m gonna be too busy banging this hot blonde scientist dude who fell out of the sky because I paid a gypsy for a date with everything Lucas owns.

Alvin: It sounds kinda weird when you put it that way.

Lucas: You are talking to my other women, chiquita?! We are no longer in loving.

Alvin: Dancing! It’s like Science, but without all the peer review!

Kitty: You’re not mad that I sold all your stuff, or dated a nerd, or did that other awful thing you haven’t found out about yet? You’re mad that I called your other girlfriend?
Lucas: Now I am also mad that you are insinuating that Lucas Perez is only having one other girlyfriend.

Lucas: Yes, hello smellypants? Please be having your smellypants over here, I am wanting vengeance on my bad Kitty.

Lucas: Of course I am not loving you, you are terrible and disgusting. I am only kayaking down your love canal. Bring condoms.

Alvin: Hey, Lucas? Your name is Lucas, right?
Lucas: My name is now Naked Man Showering. In the language of my people, it is meaning “Other men should not be talking to me right now.”

Alvin: Well, go be Indian or whatever someplace else. I need to take a dump.
Lucas: Perhaps it is I who will be dumping you.
Alvin: That’s kinda gay.
Lucas: In a ditch, is what I am meaning. Not in a gay.
Alvin: I dunno, dude. You really seemed gay there for a moment.
Lucas: I DO NOT KNOW WHY I OBJECT SO STRENUOUSLY BUT I DO

Lucas: Tell me, chiquita. Is Lucas Perez gay?
Kitty: It would certainly explain all the butt sex he has.

Lucas: I AM HATING SCIENCE AND ITS UNCOMFORTABLE TRUTHS

Lucas: And love, and my uncomfortable lovelessness.

Lucas: HAHA YES THERE IS A CEILING UP THERE YOU ARE SO RIGHT

Kitty: Maybe you should kill them both so we can start over.

Both? Hmm. I count three of you.

Kitty: We have to romance really fast so he doesn’t murder us.
Alvin: Hey, as long as you’re easy, I don’t need to hear the reasons.
Lucas: NAKED IN THE BACKGROUND

It takes a real sense of rhythm to dance like there’s an invisible person between you.

Alvin: See how big and Maxis my eyes are?
Kitty: I’ve been trying not to.
Alvin: But you’re even more Maxis than I am!
Kitty: Only it doesn’t look like shit on me!

So, is it easier to read when it’s clipped through the door?

Lucas: Is no harder, as Lucas Perez cannot read at all.

Prof. Johnson: GONNA STEAL YOUR PORCH PENIS

Prof. Johnson: NOW IT’S AN INVISIBLE PORCH PENIS

Right on.

Kitty: We’ve been like this for ten minutes. You gonna pull back at some point?
Alvin: Soon. I’m tapping out my observations on your back in Morse Code. For Science.

Kitty: You know, my sweater isn’t made of some weird fabric that remembers and reproduces Morse Code.
Alvin: Well, I know what to get you for Christmas now!

Kitty: Think you could do that… less than every five seconds?
Alvin: There is no way to know, the relevant experiments would never pass ethics approval.

Meanwhile, just as a reminder, this journal used to be about fun things like zombies.

Back when zombies were still a fun thing.

And before most of that moronic Jane Austen mashup shit happened.

I hate pop culture.

Caryl: Man, this suspicious drink I found tastes a lot like a bad idea.

Caryl: NOOOOOOO I DON’T WANNA BE TRANSPARENT

Lucas: Is unfair.
The Grim Reaper: SHE LASTED LONGER THAN MOST OF THEM.
Lucas: Is unfair to Lucas Perez. He will never know if she would have blossomed into a lovely lady for sexy purposes.
The Grim Reaper: MAKE SURE HIS DEATH IS EXTRA EMBARASSING.

Count on it.

Kitty: Oh my god. Somebody just died outside.
Alvin: You haven’t lived here long, huh?

Lucas: The bird has seen. The bird must be silenced.

I don’t think the cops use macaw drones in this neighbourhood. And I think that’s the kind of thing I would know about.

Lucas: BIG BIRD BROTHER IS ALWAYS WATCHING

Alvin: Alright baby, time for the big bang. Where’s the bed?
Kitty: Oh, we don’t want to use the bed right now.

Lucas: NO! POOP ON FIRE?! WHY POOP ON FIRE?! IS BLASPHEMY!

Lucas: …but maybe better than poop on foot, which is poopfoot.

Lucas: AND POOPFOOT IS SMELLY

Lucas: CURSE YOU, POOPFOOTER! CURSE YOU!

Alvin: So, do you feel better now?
Kitty: You know what they say, revenge is a dish that is best served on fire in a paper bag.

Alvin: You’d better have a spare bed, because there’s no way I’m not having sex with a girl who makes Wrath of Khan jokes.

Kitty: Later. I’m on kind of a revenge kick. So hey, there’s this annoying slobby chick who Lucas cheated on me with, and she’s gross and I’m mad at her. Know any good sciency ways to get back at her?
Alvin: I know all of the Good Sciency Ways! I am a Good Sciency Wayist. On Sundays we do extra Science and chuckle about how there’s really no god.

Lucas: BLAH BLAH BLAH NOT REAL CHARACTERS NOT REALLY TALKING

Lucas: Come hither, my angel! No, I am knowing your name is actually Angel. Yes, I am not bothering to make more creative nickname. Yes, it is comment on your general undesirability. Also why the fuck didn’t you come over earlier, we called you like twice.

Kitty: So, you’re sure this will work?
Alvin: I helped synthesize the original cure. I’m sort of famous for it.
Kitty: Among other scientists, I’m guessing.
Alvin: That’s pretty much the only kind of famous there is in Science, unless you make bombs or host condescending astronomy miniseries.

Angel: Don’t tell me we’re wearing the same clothes.

It’s okay, nobody will notice. Because of how gross you are.

And because they’re too busy snogging.

Lucas: WE ARE ALSO TOO BUSY SNOGGING

Not too busy to notice your penis freezing and falling off, I’m guessing.

Angel: Fourteen? More like FARTEEN.
Lucas: Puns and scat! My favourites!

Lucas: Carry me to the bed, chiquita! It is smelling like poo, just the way we like it!

Kitty: Angel! Angel! Come here! I’ve got a drink for you! On the floor! Because I sold all the furniture to afford a date with a dude to replace the dude you stole from me! Which means you shouldn’t accept any drinks I might give you. But you will.

Kitty: Because you’re dumb.
Angel: Wow, how did you yell all that? This woman has lungs, let me tell you.

Angel: HAAARCCCK SPLRRRRT SPEAKING OF LUNGS

Angel: STAAAIIIINSSS

Kitty: THAT’S HORRIFYING
Alvin: SCIENCE IS NEVER HORRIFYING
Kitty: IT IS WHEN IT’S ZOMBIES

Alvin: So yeah, can you jump on my penis now?
Kitty: I’M STILL TRAUMATIZED
Alvin: Wow, really?
Kitty: NO, BUT MY FACIAL ANIMATIONS ARE STUCK SO I MIGHT AS WELL PRETEND

A match made in Science Heaven.

Where the angels are all undead abominations.

Kinda like real heaven would be, actually.

What am I saying? “Real heaven”?

Because your beliefs are stupid.

Lucas: Is better than air conditioning.

Kitty: Want a back massage?
Alvin: Man, you non-Science people are everywhere!

Kitty: So, we just ruined that girl’s life.
Alvin: So, kisses?

Kitty: Definitely kisses.

Kitty: Oh, Lucas… if everything about you wasn’t incredibly repugnant, you’d be incredibly attractive.

Lucas: Why you are waking me up? Lucas Perez was dreaming about making love to another Lucas Perez in a giant sewer pipe. Now he must spend hours crying to dream again.

Kitty: I’m having sex in your bed, against my better judgment. Now get out.

Lucas: You are sexing with the science cowboy? Science cowboys have tiny cattle prods. You should choose Lucas Perez instead, he is a torero in bed. Torero means a man who is fighting bulls. With his penis. Which is big.

Lucas: Okay, that even sounded stupid to me. I’m gonna go sleep in your bed now.

Lucas: Pretend you didn’t hear me break character just now.

Kitty: I’m so glad I found you, or else I might have stuck with Lucas. Can you imagine what it’s like to listen to someone blather about shit all day?
Alvin: .oO(Yes.)

Alvin: Sex!
Kitty: In the vagina?
Alvin: Yes! What? Where else is there?
Kitty: Nowhere! Thank god. You’re normal.

You’ve… had sex before, Kitty. You know. With Lucas.

Kitty: NO. WE’RE RETCONNING THAT.

You wouldn’t catch me dead in that bed.

Lucas: If you were in this bed, and Lucas Perez caught you, dead is what you would be.

I don’t see you doing anything about Alvin.

Lucas: The science cowboy is an Aryan science cowboy. And Lucas Perez did not get where he is today by interfering with Nazi scientists.

Lucas: He got where he is today by coming through that door.

Lucas: So yeah. Whatever. Fuck you guys.

Lucas: Alas, she is a fast woman. Even her sheets are having racing stripes.

Kitty: Mm. Hey, good morning!
Alvin: You have no rational reason for assuming that.

Kitty: Statistically, yes I do. Because none of the worst days of my life started with waking up to a dude who doesn’t smell like a toilet bowl.

Kitty: SPEAKING OF TOILET BOWLS

Kitty: BLAAAARGGGHGHH ASPERGERS BABY

Kitty: So I think I’m pregnant.
Alvin: I thought you looked kinda fat!
Kitty: Like… I’m just now pregnant. As of this morning. After we had sex.
Alvin: Oh, okay. So… how come you’re so fat, then?

Kitty: BLAAAARGGGHGHH ASPERGERS BOYFRIEND

BLAAAARGH we’re done here.

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