The Pine Valley Chronicles, Chapter Sixty-Seven

Welcome to the Pine Valley Chronicles, an ongoing neighbourhood story in The Sims 2!
Warning: this journal may contain uncensored nudity, violence, profanity and sexual themes.

Updates on Friday every week!

Click Here for Previous Entries!

Jeez, those last bunch were short. Justifiably, though. This one? This one is unjustifiably long.

On the plus side, nobody is reading this anymore.


WEDNESDAY: Good morning, Master Stewart! Are you enjoying your first day in our brand-new, completely spotless home?

WEDNESDAY: THERE IS ALREADY GARBAGE

Wow, you dudes took William’s secret agent car?

I dunno if I want to let you keep that. You’re just not badass enough.

But maybe we can fix that.

Leonard: I’m afraid of being badass.

You shouldn’t be. You’re practically immune.

That’s not fair. Uma used to date the most famous secret agent in the world.

Leonard: When they were teenagers. When his standards were lower.

That’s not fair either. William’s standards have always been consistent.

They include everything with a vagina and the ability to give legal consent.

Leonard: There are no sexy ladies here.

Contrary to what you might have seen on TV, empty public spaces do not naturally accrue sexy ladies.

Stewart: Alright, bitches. Who wants a ride on the Murphy Express?

Good luck with that. The Murphy Express has never been ridden before. It might turn out of have really low horsepower and a very short track.

Ally: WHO THE FUCK BROKE INTO MY HOUSE FOREVER AGO? WAS IT YOU? WAS IT YOU, UMA?
Uma: Crazy cheerleader! Call the cops!

Stewart: Man, Leonard’s right. Any girl who’s afraid of a crazy cheerleader is just not good enough for me.

…I dunno. I’m not feeling too confident in Leonard’s judgement today.

And then the game crashed.

Stewart: Hey Len! Wanna go downtown and get some new clothes?
Leonard: No. Didn’t we just do that?
Stewart: That was a future version of ourselves that no longer exists. I find it’s best not to think about it too closely.

Leonard: Fine, you go do that. I’m gonna mack on this paperbitch.

Brooke: …no, you’re not.

Leonard: Well then SHE MUST BE A LESBIAN AND SHE’S UGLY ANYWAY.

Leonard: Hey! Way to almost wipe me out, dude!
Stewart: It was the snow, honest!
Leonard: The snow told you to wipe me out? Oh, it’s on, snow!

Ha! You’re not getting new clothes. I’m not wasting my time loading downtown lots for you. You’ll be dead soon anyway.

Lora: Then I need something nice to wear for my visitation.

I hope you like this job. You’ll be doing it forever.

Or until the Maxis-killing murder wizard gets you.

Spoilers?

Stewart: Hey baby, you got a boyfriend?
Asia Jeffress: Yes. He’s in the future, but he’ll be here soon. At least before I find you even remotely attractive, anyway.

Stewart: Heyyyy, who’s the foxy redhead?

Stewart: Your milkshake… you have a milkshake. Can you make me a milkshake? In my yard? I think that’s how it goes.

Brooke: I HATE MILKSHAKES
Stewart: Well, that simplifies things I guess.

Brooke: I HATE MILKSHAKES AND I QUIT.

Well, that’s rational. I guess.

Glen: Hey man, lookin’ good!
Stewart: Thanks, Zombie Bank Manager!

Cute Redhead: Hey man, lookin’ good!
Stewart: Thanks… cute… redhead.

Stewart: Hi! We haven’t been properly introduced. My name is Stewart, and yours is Cute Redhead.
Cute Redhead: Actually, it’s .
Stewart: You’ll never get into my pants with that kind of attitude, Cute Redhead.

Cute Redhead: Perhaps that’s for the best.

Oh, good. The exterminator is walking around downtown.

I give it… another month before the game melts entirely.

Slob: Go away. There’s nothing brown on this rack.

I need to kill all my townies and NPCs and start fresh.

How about it, future murder wizards?

Flamingo: Remember, It can’t hurt us if we don’t break the circle!

Flamingo: No! Stanley!

Leonard: Very good. Now try it on the papergirl.

Leonard: Desperate times call for desperate… calls.

Leonard: Get outta here, I need to take a piss. The gypsy is coming.
Stewart: Oh, are we playing Word Salad again?

Stewart: Oh, Shadow! How I’ve missed you!
Shadow: .oO(I’ve been with you this entire time.)
Stewart: I’ve thought about you every day, while you’ve been gone these many years!
Shadow: .oO(I hate you.)

Shadow: .oO(But we may continue to cuddle.)

I’ve known girls like that.

Felicia: Hello there dearie! Are you looking for someone to spend the rest of your days with?
Leonard: Is that going to be part of the contract? Because if it is, I’ll need to see a headshot first.

Leonard: Okay, so what do we do?
Felicia: You give me money, and I give you a girl.
Leonard: And this is legal somehow?!

Leonard: Okay! I want a girl with red hair, and a submissive attitude, and nice tits.
Felicia: You’re getting a teenager. They don’t really have… nice… breasts. They’re teenagers.
Leonard: Well, give me one who stuffs her bra, then, okay?!

Felicia: Stuff my palm first, then we’ll talk.

Felicia: These… appear to be blank pieces of paper.

That’s just the snow.

Felicia: He only just pulled them out of his pocket!

I DIDN’T MAKE THE DAMN GAME, OKAY?!

Leonard: Oh boy! You got me a girl shaped like a glass ball! I never told anyone about that fantasy!

Felicia: Oh, Jesus Christ. Remind me not to do this in winter again, the glare is fucking awful.

Christa Midlock: AAAAAAARGRCH.

Christa: Did someone… get the number of that… porch…

Leonard: Okay! You look kinda ugly, but maybe we can fix that!
Christa: Well, it’s not the worst pickup line I’ve ever heard, but…

Christa: Are you a trained professional?
Leonard: I used to pull girls’ hair in grade school!

Christa: You have no idea what you’re doing, do you.
Leonard: But at least I’m doing it to a foreigner!

Leonard: It might help my creativity if you took off that weird towel you’re wearing.
Christa: I’m not interested in a man who doesn’t respect my unique culture!

Leonard: Uh… then… maybe I shouldn’t show you this.

Christa: Is this… Geisha makeup? Why do you even have Geisha makeup?!
Leonard: I DON’T HAVE TO JUSTIFY MY FETISHES TO YOU.

Leonard: …even when they’re on your face.

Felicia: Ah. I see that went well.
Leonard: Shut up and stop polishing.

Leonard: So I have some additional criteria now.
Felicia: Do tell.
Leonard: I want someone who is not impossible to make attractive, and I want someone who is not a different ethnicity from me so I can’t offend them.
Felicia: What if it turns out you even offend people of the same ethnicity as you?
Leonard: Then I guess I’ll just kill myself. Can we get on with this?

Stewart: Leonard? Someone killed one of our flamingos.
Leonard: Ask them when they’re coming back for the rest.

FRIDAY: Master Stewart! Someone has killed one of your flamingos!
Stewart: Yeah, but we don’t know who did it.
FRIDAY: I will kill the woman behind me, justice must be served.

-CRUNNNCH-

Elizabeth Ng: Ooh, the side of my head really smarts now.

But… your nose plowed right into that deck railing.

Elizabeth: Yeah, but you haven’t seen my nose up close yet. It’s made for plowing.

Felicia: This is Elizabeth. She would be less ugly with makeup. I think.
Leonard: Haha! Women!

Stewart: STOP FALLING DOWN I HATE YOU

Let’s see… cheerleader… gypsy… bigfoot… yep. Yep. This is a stupid neighbourhood.

Ally: Ooh baby! Your ass is like blue steel!

Elizabeth: Have you ever done this before?
Leonard: Yes. Yes, I have.
Elizabeth: And it’s turned out alright?
Leonard: It got an ugly person out of my house, so that was pretty cool. I thought.

Leonard: Oh! Wow.
Elizabeth: What.
Leonard: How did I even.
Elizabeth: How did you even what.
Leonard: How… did I even… live? Before I saw such… radiant beauty?

Elizabeth: You cut off all my hair, didn’t you.
Leonard: I just meant to cut off all the stupid-looking parts! I didn’t know that was all you had!

Leonard: How about… this!
Elizabeth: That looks awesome! Kinda dykey though.
Leonard: That turns me on.
Elizabeth: Certain rejection turns you on?
Leonard: I’m a teenager! Certain rejection is my only sexual experience so far.

Leonard: But I really want to correct that all of a sudden.

Stewart: So are you all woooooooo gay it’s weird?

Ally: No way! I’m woooooooo gay it’s awesome!

Leonard: Let me just take that life preserver off…
Elizabeth: AHAHAHA BACK TO THE FUTURE JOKES

Leonard: No, but seriously, get naked already. I want to see you naked.
Elizabeth: Aww! That’s so rapist!

Elizabeth: Do you know the big weird eyes dance?
Leonard: No, but I bet I can figure it out pretty quick.

Leonard: Look, you’re hot, I’m hot, let’s do this thing!
Elizabeth: This thing where we call each other hot?
Leonard: No, the thing that logically leads up to.
Elizabeth: Divorce?
Leonard: …with a little less foresight, I mean.

Leonard: Listen baby, they’re playing our song!

Elizabeth: “MacArthur Park” is not our song.
Leonard: But he misses that cake so much!

Leonard: Hey, you know my brother that I go to school with?
Elizabeth: That was phrased strangely, but yes, okay.

Leonard: He goes to the same private school that I go to! What a dweeb!

Elizabeth: I find your self-destructive obliviousness irresistible.

Leonard: Oh yeah, baby? Then how’s about you and me-
Elizabeth: What is your hair doing.
Leonard: It’s looping through my sternum and my nipples. Now, like I was saying…

Leonard: Please go out with me. He’s going to kill me if I don’t get a girlfriend soon.

I’m probably going to kill you anyway.

Like, a bunch of times.

It’s nothing personal, we’re just talking statistics here.

Also it’s personal.

You’re boring.

Leonard: Look honey! We’re crushing on each other!

Elizabeth: NO. WE’RE NOT.

Man… that bitch has got some serious willpower.

Elizabeth: I don’t want to live in Pine Valley. You guys are psychos. You throw axes and eat brains and shoot people and you leave your doors unlocked. I don’t think you even have a lock on your door. You need to have a lock on your door, for starters.

Leonard: Give me one good reason why.

Ally: Smell my bum!
Elizabeth: Also I don’t understand your traditions here.

Leonard: Thank you for that. That was terrific. Really great.

Leonard: Get with it, baby. You know you want me.
Elizabeth: What is happening on your back?
Leonard: That just means it likes you.
Elizabeth: What does? Your back? Your hair? Your back hair? I can’t date a dude with back hair, I’m sorry.

Leonard: Hey, you’ve got back hair!
Elizabeth: And I don’t want any competition, thank you very much.

FRIDAY: That one looks like a falling piano.
WEDNESDAY: Don’t do that joke, he’s saving it for the Sable Legacy.

Elizabeth: Haha, wow! I never noticed your wallpaper was so ugly before I had to try not to look at your stupid face so hard.

Leonard: So… yeah. Wanna, like, go on a date? Since we’re hugging and giggling and all that cool stuff?

Leonard: BITCHES REALLY ARE CRAZY

No, you heard it wrong. Bitches are clumsy.

Leonard: AND IT’S AWESOME

Elizabeth: I have been clumsy in front of you. Rom-com law says we must kiss now.
Leonard: Man, real law never does anything this good for me.

Leonard: So… do you want… to go on a date? Now?
Elizabeth: Yes. Yes! I thought you’d never ask!
Leonard: …what?

Elizabeth: Have you ever eaten your own fingers? They’re very good.

Elizabeth: OH YEAH RIGHT THERE THAT’S THE SPOT

Elizabeth: You don’t seem like the dancing type.
Leonard: I’m not, but it’s better than watching you orally finger yourself.

WEDNESDAY: Oh, FRIDAY! You and I, our central processing units were assembled in the same manufacturing plant!
FRIDAY: Oh, Wednesday! Our sine waves are perfectly in sync!

Stewart: Oh, robots! HOW I HATE YOU.

WEDNESDAY: Do you like the beef sandwiches FRIDAY prepared for you, Master Stewart?
Stewart: I would have liked them an hour ago. When they weren’t stone cold. When you hadn’t churned up my stomach with your gooey robot flirting.

Stewart: WILL YOU GIVE ME TEN FUCKING INCHES OF PERSONAL SPACE ALREADY

If you have kids with her, I reserve the right to kill all the ones that get her nose instead of yours.

Elizabeth: Steady… steady… I only allow five millimetres away from kissing on a first date.

So, how do you like having your own little army of robots?

Stewart: You know when you’re in a strange house in the dark, how you keep bumping into the furniture?

Yeah?

Stewart: Well, imagine that the furniture moves.

Leonard: BROKEN GLASS IN YOUR EYES

Elizabeth: How romantic!

Duckface! A-woo-hoo!

Elizabeth What if… I put your hand in my mouth?
Leonard: Still gross and weird! Maybe worse.

Leonard: Oh, you wanna dance now?
Elizabeth: No, I just got this weird urge to punch someone.

Leonard: Sorry, I forgot they had the Black Eyed Peas on this station.

Leonard: Let me make it mmmppph to you.

Elizabeth: Broken HAIR in your eyes!
Leonard: It doesn’t work that way!
Elizabeth: Your hair doesn’t work at all!

Leonard: So work it. Baby.

Elizabeth: Oh, Cousin It. How I love you.

Stewart: I’m just saying, it makes no sense.

WEDNESDAY: And I’m just saying, I made it, I’m trying some.

Elizabeth: Mmm. MMM! Mmm! No, I’m bored. Let’s talk.

Leonard: So there I was, in our washroom, when I saw a FILTHY SLIMY STINKY RAT!

Elizabeth: OH GOD THAT’S SO HOT. Mmm. MMM! Mmm!
Leonard: You are some screwed up, girl.

Leonard: Hey! What are those hearts doing over your head?

Elizabeth: Weird! You’ve got them too!

Leonard: So, what turns you on?
Elizabeth: Stinky people.
Leonard: …stinky people. Alright then.

Elizabeth: But you’re pretty stinky already, baby… Oh yeah.
Leonard: Just… just stop, okay?

You haven’t got a newspaper of your own?

Andrew: I accidentally turned it into John F. Kennedy in liquid form and it crawled down the sink drain to spy on girls from their shower heads.

Another day in the life of science.

Elizabeth: Now it’ll feel like you smell horrible even if you don’t! Good thinking!

Great, you woke up the robots. I hope you’re prepared to count electric sheep with them until they fall back asleep.

Elizabeth: Mmmmmm… mmm… there’s someone outside.
Leonard: How can you tell?
Elizabeth: He was in the last pic.

Leonard: Hi, Andrew.
Andrew: Hi Leonard! That’s your name, right? You’re the one named Leonard?
Leonard: Yeah, very good.
Andrew: I can never get us all sorted out, I was just calling you Number Eight for the longest time.
Leonard: Brave words, coming from Number Two.

Elizabeth: Jeez, Len. I told you the biker jacket was okay. You didn’t need to grow a foot and put on a silly fake beard.

You left her outside with Andrew?

Leonard: She’ll be fine. They’re both smart, practical people.

Well, Andrew is. He left.

Elizabeth: No! Bad sprinkler! The grass is over there!

Elizabeth: And I think you’re using hard water or something!

Elizabeth: Now I’m gonna grow all green and springy.

Elizabeth: WHICH IS AWESOME

Figured it out yet?

Elizabeth: We don’t have “skunks” in SimNippon.

But you have organic sprinkler rodents.

Elizabeth: We’re always one step ahead of you western barbarians.

Which is unfortunate, because then we have to smell you.

Leonard: What do you think, Shadow? Is she ready for a little red-hot shower lovin’?
Shadow: .oO(Perhaps. Let me go flush the toilet and we’ll see.)

Leonard: Gasp! I am surprised to find you naked in here! I am naked as well! What a conundrum!
Elizabeth: Not at all contrived!

Leonard: Hot plus naked hot is NAKED PLUS HOT HOT.

Elizabeth: You coming in, or what?
Leonard: I can’t. He hasn’t figured that one out yet.

I’M WORKING ON IT OKAY

Elizabeth: You haven’t got any social diseases, have you?
Leonard: Just Aspergers!

Leonard: And I wouldn’t tell you that if you weren’t so ugly and boring that nobody else would take you!

Elizabeth: Well, come on then. Take me.
Leonard: Wait, we should put an ad in the paper. I don’t wanna do this unless I have to.

Leonard: Just kidding!
Elizabeth: If you think that’s funny, wait’ll you find the glue in your hair.

Leonard: Wait’ll I put my glue in your hair!
Elizabeth: That’ll cost you extra.

Elizabeth: Oh… jeez. Is that thing, like, ten feet long or something?
Leonard: William showed me some exercises.

SLAPSLAPSLAP

Elizabeth: It’s got a beat, and you can pant to it! OH!

Leonard: Lift your feet, I bet this thing’s so solid it could hold you up all on its own.

Hmm. You’ll do, I guess. At the very least, we can use your nose to open cans.

Leonard: Now, to upload our nudie pics online!

Make sure you use really obvious filenames so the hackers can find them and ruin Photobucket for the rest of us.

Leonard: Yeah. Okay!

Elizabeth: It was a tactical move sweeping in its brilliance. One survivor was left standing, as a warning to others.
Flamingo: Look out, others! This bitch is crazy and she talks to plastic flamingos!

Elizabeth: That is NOT a naked picture of me.

At the moment it is. We’ll put it in a frame soon, though.

Leonard: This is MUCH classier than my print of “Dogs Playing Poker.”

Elizabeth: Good morning, random Murphy kid.
Stewart: Good morning, naked vacation townie.

Good night, everybody! Next time: Lucas gets fucked, and it’s finally in a way he won’t approve of.

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