The Pine Valley Chronicles, Chapter Sixty-Five

Welcome to the Pine Valley Chronicles, an ongoing neighbourhood story in The Sims 2!
Warning: this journal may contain uncensored nudity, violence, profanity and sexual themes.

Updates on Friday every week!

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It’s Friday somewhere.

Maybe.

Mrs. Flibble: -has seen sorrows you cannot possibly imagine-

Penny: -is capable of pleasures you cannot possible imagine-

Penny: The best part of coming home from work is knowing that about twelve hours later, I can go back again.

Jerome: See you after work, honey!
Penny: Great, now I’m gonna be thinking about that all day. Another fine morning, all shot to hell.

Penny: LOOK WHO’S HOME EARLY, BITCHES!
Noelle: I really didn’t deserve that.
Penny: Hello, empty yard! Hello, empty house! I’VE MISSED YOU SO FUCKING MUCH!

Penny: I could make a romantic dinner for my fiancé…

Penny: Should I do that, Mrs. Flibble?
Mrs. Flibble: .oO(I think you should fuck your neighbour with the beard.)
Penny: Or should I fuck my neighbour with the beard?
Mrs. Flibble: .oO(Creepy…)

Penny: Maybe we should adopt. That way our kid will only suffer from Jerome’s nurture, and can be spared his nature.

Andrew: Hey, FRIDAY! I thought you were deactivated.
FRIDAY: Tell that to the walkby portal.

Andrew: I don’t know how to talk to portals. Bye!
FRIDAY: Back to oblivion! Bye!

Last-minute guilt?

Penny: Gotta get it out of the way before the wild happy sex starts.

Penny: Andrew! What brings you to my side of the street?
Andrew: You called me. You invited me over.
Penny: We’re being filmed, dude. Did you even read the script I sent you? This is gonna be the worst porn ever.

Andrew: I won’t lie, the androgynous uniform look really does it for me.
Penny: Because of Star Trek: The Next Generation.
Andrew: Yes. That, precisely.

Penny: Nerds are always ticklish!
Andrew: But they’re often incontinent, too, so watch what you’re doing!

Penny: Turn around, and I’ll give you a backrub.
Andrew: What’s a backrub?

Penny: It’s where I rub your back.
Andrew: That’s so weird!

Andrew: I guess this is how they used to do things, before wall-mounted robotic back massagers.
Penny: I’ve never heard of wall-mounted robotic back massagers.
Andrew: Oh, that’s right. I keep forgetting you’re not science.

Where you off to in such a hurry, copper? See a racial minority over there?

Penny: Andrew! Andrew! I’m upstairs! In the spare room! Not on the main floor where my fiancé is about to be!

Andrew: You lead with that kind of information, Penny!

Penny: So I spend all day in that grimy mucky city chasing hookers and pimps and drug dealers getting shot at and yelled at and flipped off by eight-year-olds.

Penny: And then I head back to the station to get cleaned up and it’s all seven-foot-tall Marlboro Men with tight abs and tight asses snapping their towels and lathering up in the unisex showers.

Penny: And then I come home to my no-balls fiancé and his micropenis.

Penny: So what I’m saying is you’re not leaving until you’ve left handprints all over my body.

Andrew: I love adultery.
Penny: It’s double adultery this time!
Andrew: And it’s not even my birthday.

Penny: You’re about fifty times hotter than Jerome.
Andrew: And I bet you have no idea why.
Penny: I can’t think of a single thing.
Andrew: Except for the penis.
Penny: Yeah, but if that was the deciding factor, I’d have had sex with the entire neighbourhood by now. Even the girls have bigger penises than Jerome does.

Jerome: Livin’ the good life!

Penny: So yeah. I might be easy, but I do expect a little foreplay here. Show me what you’ve got.

Andrew: Fada soola gor!
Penny: What.

Andrew: Fada soola bron! Fada vavy oba vaba gonk gonk GONK!
Penny: You’re taking the comedic route! That’s so hot!

Andrew: Gerbitz! Gerbitz! Voooooooo GERBITZ!
Penny: Well done! There’s no way Jerome heard that from a mile off.

Penny: Be gentle. There’s no telling what will happen when the only matched set of clever people in the entire neighbourhood kiss.

Andrew: Well, now we know one thing that happens.
Penny: Wow. Wow. I haven’t felt that in… ever.
Andrew: We need to go faster, Cameron will have difficult questions for me if I come home with ripped underwear.

Andrew: …too late.

Jerome: Poor Penny, working late. I should go buy her some flowers, or something.

Andrew: So I can hear your fiancé downstairs.
Penny: He’s used to me being gone weird hours.
Andrew: There’s the question of him hearing us.
Penny: I’ll bite down on that pillow.
Andrew: What about me?
Penny: WE’LL CUT THE PILLOW IN HALF. If you chicken out on me now, I’m pushing you out the window.

Andrew: You know, now that you’ve crossed the moral event horizon, you should have a much easier time getting promotions.
Penny: How do you figure?

Andrew: You can bang dudes to get your friend count up.
Penny: The night sure brings out your romantic side, Andrew.

Penny: Let’s see about getting that waistcoat off.
Andrew: AHAHAHAHA THAT TICKLES
Penny: I haven’t even touched you yet!
Andrew: AHAHAHAHA I’m just a huge wuss is all.

Andrew: You let me get married too soon.

Cameron’s pretty great.

Andrew: I’m not stupid. I know you have no intention of letting the ex-zombies off scott free.

So what’s the complaint? If Cameron dies or goes to jail, you can have Penny.

Andrew: PENNY IS ABOUT TO BE MARRIED TOO.

Penny: But Penny is feeling increasingly negotiable on that score.

Andrew: Wrestling is fun, Penny, but were you actually gonna kiss me at some point?
Penny: THE BEARD IT HURTS US

Andrew: I still can’t help imagining Jerome walking in here and seeing me copping a feel.
Penny: Feeling a cop.
Andrew: Hey, that’s pretty clever! Maybe they’ll use it in my epitaph. For when he kills me.
Penny: I have a firearm, and you have a disintegration pistol.

Andrew: We are so sexy.

Penny: What is that smell?
Andrew: Masculinity.
Penny: It’s so exotic!

Penny: Alright, Doctor Murphystein. Let’s see your little monster.

Penny: I… wow. Is this the normal size? For one of these?
Andrew: Yup. Right on the button, I’m afraid.
Penny: Like… you’re not half-elephant, or anything?
Andrew: I need to find more chicks dating dudes with tiny dicks, it’s a huge ego rush.

Penny: This is gonna be like docking an aircraft carrier in a boat shed.

Andrew: Oh… oh… OW. Watch the teeth, would you?
Penny: I’ve never had to before!
Andrew: Yes, but before, the dude you were sucking had a dick so small that IT HAD NO ROOM FOR NERVES IN IT.

Andrew: Michael’s staring at me from his upstairs window.
Penny: So wave to him.
Andrew: I did.
Penny: What’s he doing now?
Andrew: Touching his money, and touching himself.
Penny: I wonder if money knows he’s cheating on it with Kendra.

Penny: This is awesome! It doesn’t keep slipping out of my hand.
Andrew: You know, I’m getting a little tired of hearing about Jerome’s penis.
Penny: Try living with it.
Andrew: NO.

Andrew: That’s better. I don’t want to have to explain teeth marks to my wife.
Penny: Your wife does this for you?
Andrew: Well… okay. I don’t want to have to explain teeth marks to my wife’s sister.
Penny: How are you such a player, with your yellow beard and tweed jacket?
Andrew: You’ve all got yellow beard and tweed jacket fetishes, and I’m the only game in town baby.

Try not to get any on your engagement ring.

Penny: It’s a cheap diamond, it could use a little extra sparkle.

Andrew: You’re getting pretty good at this. How have you been practising?
Penny: Whenever Jerome is talking, I just imagine I’m sucking your dick.
Andrew: I’d love to hear one of your conversations some time.
Penny: He thinks I have a speech impediment now.

Penny: So, are you gonna… stop taking pics of this eventually?

What, and go back to taking pics of Jerome eating spaghetti? Yeah, sure, I’ll get right on that.

Andrew: Hey, whose room is this anyway?
Penny: It’s for storage. That’s my old bed over there.
Andrew: Wanna fool around in it?
Penny: Not unless you’ve got some new mods I don’t know about.

Andrew: That cop training does wonders for your ass.
Penny: And I’m guessing I have your mad science to thank for this lovely zinc aftertaste.
Andrew: Mad science involves a lot more putting your dick into stuff than regular science, it’s true.

Penny: Okay, if we don’t stop soon I’m gonna get stuck this way.
Andrew: Oh, perish the thought.

Penny: Seriously? You’re sure? Won’t that taste gross for him?

I don’t know, I’d never do it personally. But get on with it.

Andrew: Thank god taste doesn’t exist.
Penny: And semen doesn’t exist.

And Penny’s vagina doesn’t exist. I need to do some work on these skintones, man.

Penny: So that’s what it feels like to be heterosexual.

Penny: It’s so much less depressing.

As opposed to being asexual, that is.

Penny: Oh, for sure. Homosexuality isn’t depressing at all. How could it be, with all those colours?

Penny: “Hi, honey, my boss came in at the last second and he wouldn’t let me leave.”

Penny: Hi, honey, my boss came on me a second ago and I didn’t want to leave. Fuck.
Jerome: I’m writing about our TV in the nude.
Penny: I don’t know why I thought I needed to rehearse for this.

Andrew: Gotta get this ol’ body fucking fit!

You think it’s wise to bounce up and down on the floor and pant with Jerome two rooms away?

Andrew: We’re gonna be bouncing up and down and panting all night long. This way we’ll at least know ahead of time if he can hear it.

Penny: Do I really have to kiss him goodnight?

If you don’t keep up appearances, you’re gonna kiss half your stuff goodbye instead.

Jerome: Oh, baby! You’re in the mood tonight, I can tell!
Penny: I don’t know how you can tell. It’s not like you’ve ever seen it before.

Penny: Awesome! You’re still hot.
Andrew: Did you think I’d somehow suffer by comparison with Jerome?
Penny: I did agree to marry the dude, we know my faculties aren’t exactly top-notch.

Jerome: I’m gettin’ some hot sweaty lovin’ tonight!

How? Got something good on pay-per-view, have you?

Jerome: I’m sure she’ll be back in any moment now.

Andrew: So, is he in bed yet?
Penny: He should be. I kissed him goodnight. That usually tuckers his little reproductive system right out.

Andrew: Because, you see, I can hear him humming to himself.

Penny: Why are you still up?
Jerome: Why are you still up?
Penny: I have a lot of paperwork to get through. Go to bed.
Jerome: You’re in law enforcement. You ought to know about conjugal rights.

Penny: That only applies if you’re not androgynous. Good night.

Penny: Now, where were we.
Andrew: We were about to be where we are now, only closer together and you’d be naked.

Penny: Take me now, you mad scientist romantic!

Or just go back to doing that. Again.

Jerome: .oO(Hot lovin’. Any minute now. Any minzzzzzzzzzz.)

Okay, what. Kissy-poos? You guys are moving backwards. Some of us have second zombie apocalypses and rampant murder wizards they want to get to, can we hurry this along?

Penny: Okay, but if we fast forward through this part, I want the next part in slow-mo.

Penny: Right, but not… that… slow. Not that slow. Christ, I almost can’t tell anything’s happening!
Andrew: But it’s not as bad as with Jerome, though, right?
Penny: Nothing is as bad as with Jerome. That’s not a useful rubric for measuring anything!

Penny: Man, it’s too late for me. Even adultery’s no fun now.

Penny: OH HOLY SHIT NOW IT IS! What did you do?!
Andrew: The supercharger finally kicked in! It takes a while to charge up.
Penny: You made a supercharger for your penis?!
Andrew: It was either that or cure cancer, and as a wise man once said, “Cancer is boring.”

Andrew: Well? Was it good for you?
Penny: Technically, I’d say no. Doing it with Jerome is probably a lot better for me. Less wear and tear on the components. It’s like comparing highway driving to a rural commute.

Andrew: Aww, car metaphors! I’d be a lot happier if I was a normal dude and that was my kind of thing.
Penny: Sorry. I don’t know any masturbating-in-front-of-the-computer metaphors.

Andrew: Stop being clever and make out with me.
Penny: …okay.

Penny: Leaving so soon?
Andrew: It’s almost morning. You don’t think Jerome will get a little suspicious if you never come to bed?
Penny: Maybe a bit, but the relief at not having to hear eight hours of small penis jokes whispered in his ear will overrule it.
Andrew: You’re a terror to behold, Penny.
Penny: You know you like it.

Andrew: Pretty sure I can find the door, Penny. Every house in this neighbourhood started out with this exact same floorplan.
Penny: Not to nitpick, but the ones on your side of the street are mirrored.
Andrew: These are the mirrored ones. By virtue of being my side of the street, my side of the street is the baseline.
Penny: My god, real honest to goodness chauvinism! It’s just as hot as I’ve always imagined it would be!

You will eventually stop thinking about that, right?

Penny: And go back to contemplating the endless nightmare that is my life? Gee, I can’t wait.

Oh well. Sports! Nothing like it for completely erasing all vestiges of thought.

Jerome: Mff… mmnf… oh… oh baby… you know you like it… small…

Jerome: Where were you all night?
Penny: Working out downstairs. I’m trying to rack up promotions.
Jerome: You’re trying to provide for our future children! That’s so sweet!
Penny: Yeah. Yeah, that’s me! So sweet. Getting a toothache, even.

Jerome: So hey, yeah! Look at that. We’re both in bed together.
Penny: I wouldn’t read too much into it.
Jerome: So… you don’t wanna…
Penny: Not really, no.
Jerome: What if you pretend I’m somebody else?
Penny:

Penny: Oh! Oh! OH! OHHHHHHHH… say “science”! SAY “SCIENCE”!
Jerome: Uh… science?
Penny: SAY IT LIKE YOU MEAN IT

Jerome: So, you’re… really into role-playing, huh?
Penny: It’s more like method acting, really. From now on I’m gonna pretend I’m engaged to someone much sexier and much more successful and much more intelligent than you.
Jerome: When did our playful banter stop being… playful?
Penny: When my vagina started shrinking from lack of use.

Jerome: Oh, Penny… what did I do to deserve you?
Penny: I ask myself that question every day, but in a very different tone of voice.

So… why don’t you just… move out. Or kick him out. Or something?

Penny: Well, that’s gonna be pretty complicated now. What with the baby coming.

What with that what now.

Jerome: Hey Penny.
Penny: I thought you were going to the bathroom.
Jerome: Hey Penny I just came back to say I love you and you’re pretty.
Penny: Great, now I need the bathroom. To throw up.

Enh, you were gonna throw up soon anyway. Pregnancy! It’s a lot like having the flu, only when you get it, all your friends usually don’t get it too.

Unless your husband is a philanderer.

With no condoms.

Next time: a wedding. A wedding? Fucking hell. I’m sorry.

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