Welcome to the Pine Valley Chronicles, an ongoing neighbourhood story in The Sims 2!
Warning: this journal may contain uncensored nudity, violence, profanity and sexual themes.
Updates on Friday every week!
Read Chapter Sixty-Two if you haven’t already. It’s funny.
Edit: this post originally appeared at my LiveJournal on Thursday 22 November 2012. I mention this because of something that’s written at the end.
Last time in the Pine Valley Chronicles…
I know a girl like that.
Minus the age thing.
The prodigal son returns! Welcome back to #5 Main Street West, Neil Sharpe’s old house, the once and future adultery factory.
Melanie: William’s so hot!
Melanie: I said, William’s so hot!
Yeah, if you like… chins, I guess.
I’ll keep that in mind, then, shall I.
Anyway, this old house sucks so I’m ripping it apart.
And filling it up with all the random crap William picked up while he was hypershuffling through careers after university.
There is a considerable amount of such crap.
William: Fada soola gor!
Melanie: Fada soola bron!
William: Fada vaby oba… vaba… I really can’t do this, you killed my entire university.
Melanie: No. I just beat the shit out of them. You killed them.
William: I’ll cheer to that!
Melanie: I can’t believe I never noticed how handsome you are before.
William: It makes sense, really. It’s not like I ever notice how handsome, say, hamburgers are.
Melanie: They might be pretty handsome.
William: Right, but then I wouldn’t want to eat them if I noticed.
Melanie: This is about how I was a zombie again.
William: Look. When it’s in the history textbooks, I’m allowed to be preoccupied about it, okay?
William: Anyway, don’t worry. You might have a lot of historical baggage, baby, but that’s nothing compared to the junk in your trunk!
William: My half-sister murdered a bartender.
Melanie: I used to have a terrible bug collection!
Melanie: I beat up many people.
Melanie: Not many people in Pine Valley have necklaces!
This has been random boring facts theatre.
Brooke: I hate random boring facts theatre!
Brooke: And also holy shit it’s the zombie queen.
Melanie: Am I gonna have to hear that from every single person I meet?
William: Probably. You’re kinda famous. Like Hitler.
Melanie: So what do I do?
William: Well, if you’re early Hitler, you kill a lot of Jews. But if you’re later Hitler, you can just hide in a bunker.
Melanie: And do what?
William: Well, I know this giant cock ain’t gonna blow itself…
Melanie: You’re all class, William.
William: Class is overrated. But blowjobs are forever.
I think that should be the title of your first movie.
Quick! Kill it before it grows!
Brooke: Okay! Gross old people yucky hugging! Goodbye!
William: Mine! All mine! Arrrr!
Bitches love ass pirates.
Melanie: Musical tickles!
Edith Sartor: Musical tickles and I CAN’T GET THEM OFF ME
Is anyone still reading this?
Edith: SO PUMPED TO BE SO OBTRUSIVE
I think they both suffocated, and they’re being held up by sheer force of suction.
Melanie: Think your house is blue enough?
William: Dad liked this wallpaper.
Melanie: Your dad’s dead.
William: Oh yeah, you know, sometimes I forget? Because I’m not the one who killed him.
Melanie: I can see we’ve still got some issues to work out.
Melanie: You may work them out on my ass.
William: Your proposal is acceptable! Just like your ass.
William: Man, this reminds me of the first time we screwed.
Melanie: When I was Andrew’s girlfriend and you stole me from him.
William: Funny how that particular fetish never really went away.
William: No, dude, wrong way. Rotate to the right.
William: Awesome, that looks much better.
Melanie: It’s all you now! I’m practically out of the picture!
William: He’ll thank me when the page hits start rolling in.
William: Well, that’s my load blown. See you!
Melanie: I see. Chivalry is dead.
William: And buried!
Melanie: I bet I know how to keep your attention.
William: Is it more sex?
Melanie: It’s more sex.
William: You’ve got my attention.
Melanie: Good god. This has got to be a trick of perspective or something.
Melanie: Why do you keep taking these shots that obscure what I’m doing?
You tell me.
This house sure is featureless.
William: Hardly! It features blowjobs.
Those come standard in this neighbourhood.
William: Are you staring at Captain Sparkles?
Melanie: Oddly enough, no.
William: Then what are you staring at?
Melanie: You, ten seconds from now.
William: You knew I was gonna do this?
Melanie: It’s the kind of dreadful act that sends warning ripples backward through time.
William: So yeah! Make me your Zombie King.
Melanie: Oh my god! You’re circumcised! I just noticed.
Melanie: And also this shiny thing!
Melanie: Oh, William… I always wanted to be that reformed villainess who marries her former nemesis!
Yeah, they never suffer karmic deaths later on or anything.
Melanie: Hardly ever!
William: So, was there a “yes” somewhere in there?
Melanie: Tentatively, pending receipt of a diamond appraisal.
William: She’s faking materialism just for me!
You must be so thrilled. Maybe she’ll fake orgasms for you, too.
William: If she has to fake those with me, she’s dead inside.
She’s been dead inside before.
William: Well, we’re not doing that shit again. You know what they say… ’til undeath do you part!
Melanie: DOWN THERE
Melanie: IS THAT YOUR
William: It is.
Melanie: IT’S SO
William: It is.
Melanie: Oh god what are those things
William: I dunno, make a cute face and maybe they’ll go away.
The intense training regimen of a top secret agent knows only brief interruptions.
Jerome: So, we’ve been out here, what, five hours?
Amin: I say we eat the girl.
Jerome: .oO(-private thoughts-)
Jerome: So, I’m guessing you’re SimItalian.
Amin: I’m a bigfoot.
Jerome: There’s no bigfoots in Pine Valley. They’re an urban legend.
Amin: That’s what they said about black people. And I’m a sylvan legend, thank you very much.
Melanie: “Extra! Creepy Weirdos Spying On You Through Your Front Door.”
Do people really buy flowers for their fiancés?
Melanie: Only to soothe grievances.
Something tells me that “I ate your parents” requires slightly more atonement than a dozen roses can provide.
Melanie: I know just the right kind of atonement, trust me, and I’m totally okay with it.
Melanie: May I have this dance?
William: It costs one blowjob.
Melanie: Everything costs one blowjob with you.
William: What can I say? It’s the universal currency.
Melanie: At least you admit it.
William: Admit it? I revel in it.
Hey baby, are you a legal alien? Because I’m looking for a good time.
Theresa Leive: Don’t blame me because you let the game pick our outfits.
Well who else am I gonna blame? Myself? Because that’s not very North American, let me tell you.
Hey, y’know, you’re kinda cute.
Theresa: I can kill a man in fourteen different ways.
Never mind, I misspoke. You’re incredibly hot.
Alright, I’m bored. See what you did? Sex and nudity, and I’m bored. You broke me.
Theresa: He can break me any time.
William: I am prepared to accept your generous offer.
William: William Sharpe, Head of the SCIA! I’m pleased to fuck you.
Theresa: Theresa Leive, Surveillance Agent of the SCIA. I’ll try not to sue you.
William: So I’m guessing you don’t actually want to scale my Empire State Building.
Theresa: Are you kidding? That thing’s more like Trump Tower: it’s big, but it shouldn’t be seen in the daylight.
Theresa: But by all means, continue the sexual harassment! I’d love to be promoted from “watch the jerk boss and his zombie wife so they don’t screw up the world” to maybe “shoot zombies” or “find missing serial killers.” You know. The things you used to do. Before you started to suck.
William: I’ll go back to being awesome if you take over the sucking.
Theresa: Keep it up! I just need one more space on Lawsuit Bingo.
William: I hate her.
I like her.
Theresa: Naked mass murderer: check.
Melanie: Who are you?
Theresa: The zookeeper. Do you prefer ground food or pellets? I can go get my machinegun, if you like pellets.
How did this happen. I thought you were cool.
Theresa: Nobody’s too cool for pool!
Theresa: It’s okay, anybody with total muscle failure could have missed that shot.
I can’t wait to read your report, Theresa.
Theresa: You’re not half as murderer as I expected you to be, Melanie!
Theresa: It’s not a compliment. The murderer thing was really all you had going for you.
That’s what I’ve been saying!
Theresa: You guys have been here…
Melanie: Less than a day.
Theresa: So that stain on the carpet…
Melanie: No, that was us.
Theresa: Do I want to know?
Melanie: That depends. Did you step in it? Because if you did, well, William’s fluids are more potent than most people’s, so you’ll need our help if you want to get them off your boots.
Theresa: This is crap. This is a crap assignment. You people don’t need to be watched. You need to be purged.
Melanie: Well that’s too damn bad, because deleting from the Sim Bin corrupts the entire neighbourhood.
And Now You Know.
Theresa: Alright, whatever. Bye.
Melanie: Ahh. What more could a woman ask for, really.
Yeah. You guys sure are living the dream.
It’s a nightmare for me, but I’m sure it’s a dream for you.
I hope you’re washing with bleach.
William: Man, what a lucky dude I am. How did I ever earn this awesome chick?
You let her eat your parents, and then you locked her in a basement for like ten years.
William: I know, right? I got off cheap.
I guess. Most guys have to listen to shit about feelings and commitment. Zombies are a lot simpler to deal with.
Melanie: Tell me seriously: did you think we’d end up together when we first met?
William: Fuck no. I was with Sunny.
Melanie: It’s funny how fate works, eh?
William: If you mean “it’s funny how zombies ate Sunny and it’s my, Melanie’s, fault,” then yes. Funny. Fucking hilarious.
Good, good! Now hold her underwater until she drowns.
Or be cute and domestic. That’s good too. I guess.
My Sims used to be lemmings.
Now they’re rabbits.
Melanie: Will you promise to always love me?
William: If you’ll let me finger your pussy.
Melanie: There has to be a catch to this.
At least you guys still look awesome.
Even if you’re not.
Wait, no. Star Wars looks like shit now.
The new stuff, I mean. The original trilogy is still-
William and Melanie: SHUT UP ALREADY
Melanie: Do you have an insurance policy on that thing?
William: I don’t have to. It’s registered as a national treasure.
Melanie: I don’t mind telling you, I’m all fucked up on food now. I just can’t stop thinking about brains.
William: Oh, well, I think you’ll appreciate this.
Melanie: That’s pretty clever. Do you have anything that approximates the taste and feel of cranial tissue?
William: I’m not really sure. I’ll have to try some first. The cemetery’s just down the road, won’t take a minute.
Pff. Most dead people around here have already had their cranial tissue eaten.
Melanie: So, you couldn’t have put my plate in front of the actual chair I was sitting in.
William: I was still standing up. You’d beat me to an empty plate that way.
Melanie: It’s not a competition, William.
William: EVERYTHING’S A COMPETITION, MELANIE.
William: Speaking of which, my last wife got abducted by aliens. What can you do to top that?
Melanie: I can give you an anal probe, if you don’t stop comparing me to your last wife.
Melanie: Or I could dump you, like she did. If that’s what makes you hot.
William: Okay, I get it.
Melanie: No, wait, I’ve got another idea. I could turn myself into a teenager to get out of my relationship with you.
William: OKAY. I GET IT.
Melanie: You date fucked-up people, is what I’m saying. Just learn to roll with it.
William: I think Abigail’s a lesbian at heart, anyway.
Melanie: I think seeing your penis, and then being separated from it willingly, makes her one automatically.
William: Flattery will get you orgasmerywhere.
Yup. Mirrors on the walls.
I’d put them on the ceiling, too, except there’s no pink champagne on ice.
Aww. A happy ending.
I’ll have to find some way to fuck it up.
Ha! Who am I kidding? They’ll do it themselves.
William: I’m gonna end up killing her, aren’t I.
Melanie: Mm. What?
William: I said, “I’m gonna end up killing her, aren’t I.” And god said yes.
Melanie: Mhmm. Probably.
Melanie: But at least there’s some blowjobs between now and then.
William: Yeah. At least there’s that.
William: At least there’s that.
And at least that’s that! Next time: I dunno. Maybe University? What happened to the White sisters? Did we miss them? I’m so confused.
My mother died on Monday.