The Pine Valley Chronicles, Chapter Fifty-Nine

Welcome to the Pine Valley Chronicles, an ongoing neighbourhood story in The Sims 2!
Warning: this journal may contain uncensored nudity, violence, profanity and sexual themes.

Updates on Friday every week!

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Alright, so I lied. In under the wire! I guess we’re keeping to the schedule. However, as a wise man once said, “Really don’t mind if you sit this one out.”

He also said “Your sperm’s in the gutter, your love’s in the sink” and that’s about the level of discourse we’ll be having in this update.

Last time in the Pine Valley Chronicles… um…well…

Let’s just say the newspaper didn’t come out this week, because they had damn near nothing to report.

This is gonna be a short one. And I’m really very sorry about the content, it’s hard to find diamonds when you’re digging through feces.

Unless you’re doing an anal search on diamond smugglers.

Which sounds like a lot more fun than writing this update was.

Kitty: That should say “Chin Household.” And maybe “The home of Kitty Chin, who is awesome.”

I dunno. “Chin Household” just makes me picture George Clooney’s house for some reason.

INSERT JOB JOKE

I wrote that as a placeholder, but you know what? I don’t know what job she got, and I can’t think of a job joke, so let’s pretend “INSERT JOB JOKE” is my job joke.

Consider that indicative of the dedication I have to this particular update we’re doing.

Kitty: Oh, for sure, mom! Everything’s going great! I met this wonderful guy, you’d love him!

Kitty: He’s a magic wizard genie who spends all his spare time granting wishes to dying unicorn children.

Lucas: She is sparing her mother the paralyzing shock and mind-searing awe of the true splendour that is Lucas Perez.

Yeah, something like that.

Some Dude: Wow, what is it about this house? There’s this weird aura of shock and awe radiating out of it, I feel almost… splendiforously… paralyzed!

How much did Lucas pay you to say that.

Some Dude: Not enough to pretend that he didn’t.

Kitty: At his day job he’s… an… architect. He designs…

Kitty: Entire cities. Every day. Urban growth is entirely attributable to him.

Lucas: Well, hello there, chiquita! Allow me to introduce you to my urban growth.

Some Chick: Looking good! Maybe I’ll let you incorporate it into my urban sprawl.

Lucas: I DID NOT REALIZE THIS TYPE OF JOKE WAS SO UNATTRACTIVE.

Lucas: Please return when you no longer bear uncomfortable truths about me.

Some Chick: …what the fuck was that?!

Just enjoy your ignorance, honey.

Lucas: Chiquita! I command you to appear! Lucas Perez cannot subsist on one woman alone, it is a crime against nature and science!

Chelsea: I hear enough about science from Andrew McMarriedPants already, thank you very much…

Lucas: The bearded man may know science, but Lucas Perez is chemistry itself!
Chelsea: My brain keeps trying to argue, but my libido keeps talking over it.

Man, you guys must be smarter than you look, because personally I don’t think I could keep track of that many thoughts at once.

You think this is wise, when you’re living with a very jealous and very murderous secret double agent?

Chelsea: You say that like you don’t want us both to get killed.

You know, you’re right. What was I thinking? Carry on.

Kitty: He knows I’m here, right?

In the sense that you know the carpet is there, yeah.

…ahem?

Kitty: Ugh, fine. Sultry.

You need to have more respect for our traditions, Kitty.

Lucas: Lesbians! As many lesbians as you can muster! Lucas Perez is in a transformative mood today!

Seriously? You came?

Poppy: This chick is like ten kinds of filthy, wait’ll you see. I’m hoping that a lesbian stewing in her own juices will keep him off our backsides for at least a few more days.

Lucas: Clone of Daisy! Welcome to my sex house of more sex!
Poppy: Can’t talk yet, must ring doorbell.
Lucas: But I am already right here.
Poppy: THERE ARE RULES LUCAS

And apparently they’re not about not sticking your arms through solid objects.

Poppy: Right, anyway, hello! Daisy says hi, and to tell you thanks for the antibiotics, it cleared right up in a few days.
Angel: Wait a second, is this shit just… like… iced-up water? Because I’m not due for a shower for at least another month.

Lucas: She is like a delicate scatalogical flower.

Lucas: My penis, it is very large.
Angel: You’re aware that I’m a lesbian.
Lucas: It is even that large!

Angel: Look, no offense, but I bet you’re not packing anything I can’t get off the adult shopping network for twelve easy payments of ยง5.99.
Lucas: But chiquita, unlike those clean plastic rods of throbbing plastic pleasure, Lucas Perez comes covered in disgusting and unidentifiable sticky fluids!

Angel: You sure do know how to talk to a woman!

Angel: I’m not saying you’ve won me over, but on a purely theoretical level: would you be willing to wear Poppy’s glasses and answer to “Daisy” when we screw?
Lucas: Having heard this proposal, I am now unwilling to do otherwise!

Lucas: We shall send the other lesbian away, so that we might imagine her engaging in dark and forbidden pleasures with her sister while we make love.
Angel: I can’t wait to introduce you to my parents!

Lucas: Flee for your lesbian life, lesbian! Soon this casa of love will tremble with the vibrations of our hot sweaty genital tennis, and I would not wish for you to be crushed should the structural strain prove too much for it!

Poppy: …wait a minute… DID YOU JUST BREAK MY FILTHY BACKUP GIRLFRIEND?!

Poppy: WHY DO ALL THE GAY PEOPLE IN THIS NEIGHBOURHOOD KEEP JUMPING INTO THE SEA OF NOT GAY LIKE SUICIDAL GAY LEMMINGS

Angel: She seems mad.
Lucas: It is all to the good, chiquita! She will be kicking over the garbage can, thus providing a hot new squishy venue for our labours of lusty love!
Angel: I hadn’t thought of that! I think you need to see a psychiatrist.

I pity the psychiatrist who has to work in this neighbourhood.

Angel: So yeah! Poppy hates me now, so I guess I’m your girlfriend!
Lucas: That is an excellent guess, chiquita, by which I mean it is ill-informed and likely to be incorrect.

Oh, come on. Be more original. Piss on his mail, or something.

Poppy: You think I’m gonna do him favours after what he just did to me?!

Lucas: You revolt me, chiquita.
Angel: I can change!
Lucas: You can?! How might we avert this?

Lucas: You smell sweeter than the squishy-faced artist, chiquita. How does your unique musk compete so successfully with her bottled fragrance?
Angel: The secret is to avoid anything bottled. Especially shampoo. And detergent. And de-lousing solution.

Hey, your hair colour’s the same. I wonder if hers is natural?

Lucas: Do not ask her. I wish to preserve the illusion that I am making love to my own younger sister.

You and William should have a chat.

Lucas: Your shirt is turning my fingers green.
Angel: That means it likes you!

Lucas: -says something gross-
Angel: -responds favourably-

Somebody let me out of this update…

Lucas: You are like a bag of flaming poo, chiquita, lighting the darkness with your fiery methane combustion.

Well, so much for that theory.

Do you have more than one facial expression, Angel?

Angel: How would that help me be more of a one-note joke character?

Good point.

Lucas: I have a mission for you, chiquita. My life may one day depend on its successful completion.

Lucas: That’s right, squish around a bit. Excellent. If the bombs drop tomorrow, Lucas Perez at least will survive, nourished by the savoury scent of your –

SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP

Lucas: You have delivered me this malodorous angel, oh Maker, and I am your faithful servant.

Good! Go kill yourself.

This had better be an attempt at erotic asphyxiation.

Then again, it looks like you’re about to be dead anyway.

Lucas: We are now committed, chiquita! Let us seal the deal over here, in front of this couch, because it feels like a good idea for some reason.

Lucas: I am now suspecting that reason was a bad reason.

Kitty: I can’t say I expected better of you, Lucas, but did you have to do it right in front of me?!
Lucas: HOW COME EVERYONE ELSE CAN HAVE AN ADULTERY FETISH AND I CAN’T

Kitty: Angel, it was nice meeting you. Please return to your dumpster so that the adults may talk.

Kitty: Hello? Over here? Jilted lover? Quit playing grabass and get out of my spotlight, guys!

Lucas: Is it still behind me?
Angel: For some reason.
Lucas: Does it not understand that it is not wanted?
Angel: Apparently not.

Lucas: I’M MAD THAT YOU’RE MAD

I have a friend who operates on that kind of logic.

They would not know I was referring to them if they read this.

Maybe I need to find new friends?

Kitty: I don’t care, whatever, enjoy yourselves. You’ll both be dead soon. I have assurances.

And they remain airtight, don’t worry.

Angel: Whoah! You’re supposed to grab the ass, not the asshole!
Lucas: That would be like grabbing the pubic hair, and not the penis.

Kitty: That was one was kinda funny, I’ll admit.

Kitty: If only because it lets me imagine someone yanking on his pubic hair.

Lucas: JUMP INTO MY HUGE MOUTH AND I’LL CONSUME YOU LIKE A POO SANDWICH

Lucas: Fine, force me to just nibble then why don’t you.

Kitty: This day was certainly worth getting out of bed for, thank you so very much.

I’d like to say something like “always happy to help” but I can’t even pretend to be happy with how this worked out.

Angel: So like I’m really into herbalism and like really into holistic medicine and like really into crystals and shit.

Lucas: Thank god, that shut her up.

I am no longer acceptingt thanks from you. Your debt to me is now by far unpayable.

Angel: I really have to take a shit. I think you loosened –

LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA

So, you’re hogging the only bathroom now? What a gentleman.

Lucas: She reminded me of pooping. I had briefly stopped thinking about it. That oversight has now been corrected.

Angel: I feel like someone’s been rubbing their shit on me while I sleep.

Well that’s certainly not possible.

Angel: Man, it smells terrible in here.

So why are you smiling?

Angel: I just think it’s funny that my sense of smell still works.

Lucas: I am off to work, chiquita! Please bag your excretions before you leave!
Angel: Why? Does your toilet not flush?
Lucas: Flush?! What kind of barbarity is that?!

Kitty: Why did we have to go through all that…

I don’t know, Kitty. I really don’t know.

But at least it’s over! Next chapter: nothing fucking gross. I promise.

I’m probably lying, though.

I do that.

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