The Pine Valley Chronicles, Chapter Fifty-Eight

Welcome to the Pine Valley Chronicles, an ongoing neighbourhood story in The Sims 2!
Warning: this journal may contain uncensored nudity, violence, profanity and sexual themes.

Updates on Friday every week!

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Well, less nudity this time around. Hey! Hey, where are you going? Hey, come back!

Last time in the Pine Valley Chronicles…

Imagine if they’d made vacations thirty years long, too.


Meanwhile, back on Pain Street West…

So, you’ve got a bathroom in your master suite now.

Penny: Yeah, we’re living the dream.

What’s that?

Penny: What’s what?

That dust crap on the wall!

Penny: Oh, that? That’s just dust crap on the wall. We have that too. It’s new.

Jerome: Is it good?
Penny: It’s about as good as I expect from you.
Jerome: Do you have to keep insulting me?
Penny: Do you have to keep being so mediocre?

Jerome: Well I’m sorry I’m not as good as the big yellow beard across the street, even if he isn’t visibly superior to me in any measurable way.

Penny: I’m not 100% sure, Jerome, but I have a feeling the difference is measurable, and very much visible. Keep pissing me off and I’ll head over there and find out.

Jerome: Have a good day at work! Was that a penis joke?
Penny: See you later! You’re a penis joke.

He totally is.

Jerome: Morning goodbyes are so awkward when you share the same carpool.

Everything is so awkward when one of you is Jerome.

Penny: Drop me off a few blocks from the station, would you, Jennifer? I don’t want any of my coworkers to know that I’m associated with such a small penis.
Jerome: Can we keep my penis private, please?
Penny: You can’t keep a disaster like that secret forever, honey.

Hey, look who got promoted to Patrol Officer! That’ll make it a lot easier to drop in on Andrew and let him fuck you silly.

Penny: Except that his house is right across the street from ours.

Oh, but that’s okay too. Sims don’t show up in neighbour view.

Penny: Then how is Andrew spying on me with his telescope?

Science. Is there nothing it can’t do?!

Penny: Hi! I’m home! After a long gruelling day at work!

Who are you talking to?

Penny: Anybody who’ll listen, really. It was a really long, really gruelling day.

Hey, would you look at that? You’ve got the friends, the skills, and the job performance for a promotion… and you’re theoretically not too late to start your new position today…

Penny: You can’t scare me. The carpool won’t come now, so I’m off for the night.

Did I mention that car I’ve been meaning to buy for you?

Penny: You’re a sick, sick, sadistic little man.

And loving it!

Because what you really want, when someone’s job involves the possession and potential use of a projectile weapon, is for them to work two back-to-back shifts.

It just makes life on the streets that much more interesting, you know?

I mean, she’s clearly already losing her mind.

Jerome: Check out the symmetry!

Except for that one small difference, Penny being awesome and you being unpromotable.

Jerome: The mayor says I’m too important where I am to promote me.

What he means is that it’s important you never get any more power than you currently have.

Jerome: You suggest one tiny little bill to castrate anyone with a penis more than four inches long, and everyone jumps right the heck down your throat!

Jerome: Hi! I’m home! After a long gruelling day at work!

Who are you talking to?

Jerome: Um, my fiancé?

She’s not here. She started her new job right away.

Jerome: But we were gonna have dinner together tonight!

Ah, that must be why then.

Jerome: Why are there still no architect positions available?!

Oh, there are. They’ve just blacklisted your IP address because they’ve heard how small your penis is.

I can keep going all night!

And so could he, if his penis wasn’t so small.

Zing! Did it again!

Jerome: IF THE WORLD ISN’T GONNA MAKE SENSE THEN NEITHER AM I

Could you at least not make sense with clothes on?

That’s kinda how this whole mess started in the first place.

Jerome: I appreciate your using the table for a discretion shot.

It was unintentional. You can’t see anything down there from this distance. Or from any distance, for that matter.

Jerome: The Weather Channel understands me, at least.

Jerome: Even if I don’t understand the Weather Channel.

Penny: WHAT is that SMELL?!

Victory!

Penny: Victory doesn’t smell like body odour!

I was just trying to spare your feelings.

So I can keep being nasty to Jerome.

It’s a karma thing.

How do you get so filthy as a patrol officer?

Penny: When they were handing out beat assignments, I honestly thought “Little Calcutta” was a joke.

Penny: And now, to face the other little thing that’s no laughing matter.

Penny: Oh no, Jerome, you’re naked, I think, because I can’t actually see your tiny dick.
Jerome: At least you’re not so enthusiastic about this now.

Jerome: I’ve been doing these exercises I found on the internet… I think I’ve gained a whole inch!

Penny: That’s called an “erection,” Jerome. But don’t think I’m not grateful, because I really didn’t want to have to get the magnifying glass out two nights in a row.

Ebony, and ivory, live together in perfect comedy, side by side on Penny’s bed, oh Lord, why don’t we.

I hate that song.

Kendra: Oh, inanimate objects. You are my favourite objects.

Michael: Misanthrophy and a dollar will get you a coffee, if you can keep yourself from killing the barista.
Kendra: And if you can’t, then the coffee’s free!
Michael: But you can’t spend the dollar on much, in jail.

I wish all my boring households were away at work most of the day like this.

Did you get promoted?

Kendra: No, but I did get covered in freezie juice, and this random bitch followed me home.

Oh. Well, compared to Jerome, you’re still a loss leader at least.

Brandi Bransfield: Those gas prices sure are high, eh?
Kendra: I don’t set the gas prices.
Brandi: Your chips sure are overpriced, eh?
Kendra: I don’t set the chip prices.
Brandi: Those greetings they make you use sure are annoying, eh?
Kendra: YOU ARE MISTAKING ME FOR A PETROLEUM COMPANY. PLEASE STOP MISTAKING ME FOR A PETROLEUM COMPANY.

Kendra: Also please stop that thing with your eyes where your eyes are fucking terrifying.

Brandi: Someone got paid to make this.

I know, right? Blooosh. That was my mind, being blown.

Brandi: STOP WORKING ON YOUR SKILLS I NEED TO SHIT UP YOUR BATHROOM

Well well, look who got noticed at work!

Michael: I dunno if you’re keeping track of who works where, dude, but the only other campaign worker in the Valley makes me look really, really good.

Oh my god, it’s Jerome, isn’t it?! Never mind. You would have gotten that promotion if you were a serial-raping rock.

…well, of course you would have. Who wants to fuck with a serial-raping rock? Nobody, that’s why it has to resort to serial-raping.

…what?

Michael: So yeah, I bought a truck.

Michael: MASCULINITY.

Michael: Maybe too much masculinity, though.

A little goes a long way.

Call me, ladies!

Kendra: It’s been nice hating you. Now go away so I can hate you to my fiancĂ©.

Brandi: Thanks for letting me use your bathroom! I’m a townie. I HAVEN’T TAKEN A SHIT IN FIFTY YEARS.

Michael: I don’t remember Kendra having blonde hair…

Kendra: Hahaha, oh, Michael, you terrible human being you.

Kendra: I’m sure there’s a hidden meaning here, just waiting for me to decode it. But what could it be? It’s a bust… of a dude… a bald dude…

And you know what they say about bald dudes…

Kendra: OH HO HO! I get it! How very naughty of you, Michael! You dirty little boy!

You don’t know what they say about bald dudes, do you.

Kendra: PLEASE TELL ME.

Kendra: You know what, Michael? You’re my best friend.
Michael: I thought diamonds were a girl’s best friend!
Kendra: Nah, I don’t need any diamonds. I’d rather just keep the cash, to be honest.

Michael: YOU CANNOT KNOW HOW HOT THAT IS.

Deborah: So, I thought you were leaving.
William: You know what they say… there’s no easy way to say goodbye. To tits.

Deborah: Well, if you’re staying, let me sing you this song I wrote about your penis!
William: You wrote a song about my penis?! Excellent! I’ll sing mine when you’re done.

Pine Valley: a great place to raise your children.

Deborah: Aren’t you afraid someone will come by and see you naked?
William: I try to expose myself to as many people as possible, in case one of them is a sculptor.
Deborah: The thinking being that she…
William: Or he!
Deborah: …would see your giant penis and just have to sculpt a statue of you.
William: Or just the penis. I’d be equally flattered either way, to be honest.

William: That one looks like a Chimeway and Daughters Saloon Piano!
Deborah: That one looks like a barbeque.

William: Seriously, “a barbeque”? If you can’t even specify the brands, I don’t wanna cloud watch with you anymore.

Thank god your stuff gets dirty sometimes, or you’d have literally nothing to do.

You boring fuck.

As opposed to you, you fascinating fuck.

Deborah: Thank you for not treating me like a dullard!
William: I figure if I keep pretending you’re not one, you might eventually take the hint and evolve.

William: I used to be boring like you. Then I got guns and zombies.
Deborah: And a giant schlong.
William: Nah, I’ve always had that. There are some talents you’re just born with, you know?
Deborah: That must have really hurt your mother on the way out.
William: Emotionally, for sure. She knew she’d never have one that big inside her again.
Deborah: Why do all our conversations end up this awful?
William: Because my childhood was fucked, that’s why.

I’m not sure you really want to see William yet, Vicki. You probably need to practice being Cecilia a bit longer before you go talking to her brother.

“Cecilia”: I’m not gonna go around killing people, if that’s what you mean.

Hey, why not? It worked for you before.

“Cecilia”: Yeah, fuck you too.

Deborah: Look, we’re dancing! Cool people dance! Dancing is cool, right?
William: Yes, Deborah, dancing is cool. Remarking breathlessly on how cool it is, though, not so cool.

Where exactly does one go for a hard day’s work as a blogger?

Deborah: You just drive in circles on the information superhighway.

Hey… that wasn’t half bad. Congratulations!

I take all the credit, of course, but just the same.

Yay, free money!

William: It’s a good thing I never got my date flowers gland removed!

Yeah, good thing! What?

I’m sure it’s terribly unfair of me, Melanie, but I still can’t see you without freaking out.

Melanie: It’s cool, I get it. The same thing happens to me with William’s penis.

Deborah: Aw, come on! I get promoted, and then eaten, in the same day?!
Melanie: I’m not a zombie anymore. I’m a lover, not a biter!
Deborah: Oh, you were a zombie? I thought you were just a cannibal.

Deborah: So you’re kind of a celebrity around here, huh?
Melanie: I doubt many people are celebrating me.

I dunno, compared to black holes like Deborah there’s an awful lot to celebrate about you.

Deborah: THERE’S NO SUCH THING AS BEACH BALLS WE ONLY JUST INVENTED BEACHES TWO EXPANSIONS AGO

Melanie: Sorry dear, my child-eating phase is over. My dietician says all that baby fat goes straight to my hips.

Deborah: So I don’t know what your relationship with William is, but you should know that he and I are dating.

Melanie: Shouldn’t you be trying someone more your speed? Like, say, a geriatric or something?

Deborah: Bradley’s alright, I guess, but I hear he’s a really messy eater.

Melanie: I’m sure you’ll understand if I say that our perspectives on messy eating probably don’t overlap at any point.

Melanie: But yeah, you might as well write William off because there’s no way we’re not getting married now.
Deborah: I wouldn’t count on that, the Maker probably doesn’t want to put all his interesting characters in one house. It’ll just make him hate houses like mine even more.

She makes an excellent point, you know.

Melanie: Just face the music, bitch. Billy’s mine.

Deborah: I don’t expect you to understand what we have together. You’re just a plaything to him.

Melanie: Tell that to the porn movie we filmed in his basement the other day.
Vyn GilsCarbo: .oO(Melanie Lillard?!)

Deborah: WELL I HAVE A BACKUP BOYFRIEND ANYWAY
Melanie: Yeah, I bet.
Deborah: HE’S REAL AND I LOVE HIM AND HE LOVES ME TOO
Melanie: And he smells your poop, right?
Deborah: WHO TOLD YOU THAT
Melanie: Everyone?

Phoebe: That… can’t be who it looks like.

It’s not. It’s a much lamer replacement, unfortunately.

Since I usually forget to take establishing shots… here you go.

That should tide you over for sixty more chapters.

Melanie: I hear you’re unemployed.

Deborah: I’m not unemployed. I’m an internet movie critic.
Melanie: Oh, so you’re less than unemployed, then.

Deborah: Look, bitch, you can’t have William and that’s the end of that. If you’ve got a problem with it, then stand up and I’ll kick your ass.

Melanie: …that was a joke, right?

Melanie: Because I bet if I chop you up small enough, it won’t clog the drains when I flush you.

Friends!

With gross benefits!

Deborah: Is there ANYBODY who doesn’t want to watch me take a shit?!

Allow me to be the first to raise a hand.

Phillip Beckett, Zombie Zombie Hunter: He takes a brief rest from his tireless crusade to bask in the brief, ephemeral joy of a young girl catching butterflies in the warm summer evening.

That’s Melanie Lillard, you know.

Phillip Beckett, Zombie Zombie Hunter: … bull shit!

Deborah: Hi! I’m Deborah. Could I interest you in a nice cold glass of Choke-a Cola?

I see William’s been giving you lessons.

Deborah: I’m getting better!

At getting worse.

Deborah: Yep!

Deborah: Hey, check it out! A warm summer evening! Think I’ll bask.
Phillip: You won’t regret it!

Deborah: Check it out! Caught a zombie!

Deborah: Bet you’re jealous!
Melanie: You have one zombie, I had an army.
Deborah: So you are jealous! I knew it!

Phillip: He puts the bottle to his lips, even though he should fucking know better!

He totally should, too.

Phillip: He dissolves into mist… OR DOES HE?! Tune in next week!

Nope, sorry. We’re doing this now.

Phillip: BUT THAT’S NOT HOW YOU DO DETECTIVE SERIALS!

Well then it’s a good thing that this ISN’T A DETECTIVE SERIAL, isn’t it?

Deborah: Hey baby… you hear that? Yep. Zombie dying. Yep. All me. What are you wearing?

Deborah: Can you take it from here? I’m gonna go have phone sex in the bathroom.

The Grim Reaper: I BET THEY THOUGHT THIS WAS SOMEONE IMPORTANT WHEN THEY SAW IT IN THE TEASER PIC.

I bet they thought someone was gonna spontaneously combust when they read the teaser text, too.

The Grim Reaper: YOU AREN’T AFRAID OF DISAPPOINTING YOUR READERS?

Why be afraid of things that are inevitable?

Phillip: He sits in a jar, regretting his choices.

Melanie: Ugh. Zombie dust is stickier than semen.

Deborah: Why take pictures of me skilling? Other people skill, and you don’t take pictures! You’re trying to make me look more boring than I actually am!

No, I’m trying to share the pain of playing your household with others so they can feel sorry for me!

Deborah: YOU’RE TOO INTERESTING. PLEASE GO.

Hmm… you know what? You kind of are interesting. And you’re not as ugly as I remembered you being.

Melanie: It’s nice that you’ve had a change of heart, now that hundreds of people died because you were willing to let me burn to death.

You’re not a real god until you’ve committed at least one act of genocide.

Melanie: Everybody hates me now.

They all hated you before.

Melanie: But I didn’t care! I care now!

Well that’s stupid of you.

Deborah: Oh William! Smooch me! Smooch me, for tomorrow we may die!

Melanie: Oh my god, I need to record this.

Phillip: He waves, from the vast and cold ethereal plane that houses his faint spiritual remnants, but the woman in pink now sees him not.
Deborah: The thing about noir voiceovers, other than the fact that they suck, is the fact that they suck. So I’m glad you’re dead.

Deborah: Mostly.

Deborah: I wonder if there’s any special disposal instructions for disintegrated zombies.

If there aren’t, there probably aren’t any special disposal instructions for anything.

Deborah: Sandwiches! Good host!
Melanie: Sandwiches! Milquetoast!

Melanie: Twelve? More like zero!

Melanie: HAHA OH HAHAHA OH my sense of humour stayed dead.

Deborah: It was not nice meeting you.
Melanie: It was not nice not eating you.
Deborah: STOP THAT RHYMING
Melanie: With perfect timing!
Deborah: I’M CALLING THE COPS!

Melanie: Then I guess I’ll stop.

Deborah: If I should die before I wake…

I didn’t know that was an option! I’ll give it some thought.

Uh oh, nebula.

You’re not a scientist, William! Get away from that nebula!

Oh.

Hey, isn’t that the same statue Michael has?

William: Yep. This’ll drive him nuts.

Especially if properly placed.

Okay! Well. That sucked. But look on the bright side: most of the losers are done now! So, for the next update, that leaves… Lucas.

FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU

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