The Pine Valley Chronicles, Chapter Fifty-Seven

Welcome to the Pine Valley Chronicles, an ongoing neighbourhood story in The Sims 2!
Warning: this journal may contain uncensored nudity, violence, profanity and sexual themes.

Updates on Friday every week!

Click Here for Previous Entries!

Back to university! For the last time before I make some serious fucking changes to it, because I’m going to be doing my PhD and EVEN THAT WON’T PUT ME IN UNIVERSITY FOR THIRTY FUCKING YEARS. Goddamn game. Anyway.

Last time in the Pine Valley Chronicles…

Pff, like that’ll happen.

Hey girl! What’s new at MNU?

Ember: They buried like a million people.

That’s a shame. I liked the Dorm of the Dead. Ghosts vs. Dormies is my favourite play-per-view sporting event.

Ember: A lot of people who pissed themselves and died would disagree with you.

But thankfully their opinions don’t matter.

You know what my computer loves? Moving nearly a hundred ghosts to a new lot. I think that chugging, choking sound was love, anyway.

Still working on that “Better Living through Chemistry” thing?

Ember: Bizarre otherworldly devices are the best proven method of keeping the spice in a relationship.

Ally: Hey, Ember… wow. Wow. Your crotch is like ten different kinds of awesome.
Ember: And it only takes one of them to get me a perfect grade in my classes!

Ally: Girls who have sex with old guys make me lesbian hot!
Stephen: As an old guy myself, I echo that sentiment.

Ally: You’re aware that your muff is presented to me, ready for diving, right now?
Elise: I’m not worried. They don’t have muff diving in the winter games, it’s more of a summer sport.


If you find a way to stop loving Abigail that actually works, please let me know. I’ll want to try it.

I don’t know what they’re talking about, but I have some good gossip for you: did you hear the one about the two stupid bitches standing knee-deep in snow wearing tiny little dresses in the dead of fucking winter?

Ember: I’m just saying that prof-fucking is an old and respectable tradition, steeped in our shared heritage, and it shouldn’t count as fucking a normal dude for the purposes of determining how many chicks you’re allowed to bang.
Stephen: And I’m just saying your heritage and tradition can kiss my fat cock.

Ally: Fada soola gor!
Elise: I think I’ve read this chapter already.

Stephen: Baby, when Ember and I get married, you’re gonna be our Maid of Awesome.

Elise: Stop hitting on my girlfriend through the wall impossibly!

Stephen: I like an assertive girl. When we move back to Pine Valley, you can be our buttsexler. It’s like a butler, only you’re naked and achy a lot more often.
Prof. Amin: Hi. I’m here to be pleasured? For marks?

Prof. Amin: HIGH marks.

Prof. Amin: What’s this naked girl doing in here? I won’t be giving high marks if I can’t use this awesome toilet!

Great, just what I needed. More Sims with an anal fixation.

Prof. Amin: Isn’t there somewhere you need to be, young lady?
Stephen: Shit, Ally, he’s right! You’re missing your appointment with my dick! If you hurry, he might let you make up for it with twice as much hot bouncy sex!

When did the journal get like this? Does anyone remember?

It’s pretty much always been like this, though.

Stephen: So do I!

Stephen: Weird old people are not my fault!

Most of them aren’t, anyway. The one with the black hair and the argyle sweater is totally your fault.

Ember: So, where do you live when you’re not here being a rape llama?
Gabe Depiesse: Centreborough.
Ember: And what do you do there?
Gabe: I work in a doughnut factory.



Ember: It’s so great to be engaged to a budding artist!

Stephen: It’s so great to be engaged to a chick with low artistic standards!

Snowman: It’s so great that they’re gonna make out in front of me because they don’t know I’m sentient.

Stephen: Gah! You’re awesome!
Elise: I think the word you were looking for is “naked.”
Stephen: You’re gonna start criticizing my synonym choices now?

I’m not sure why you were best friends to begin with, but I like to imagine the logic here was “you cheated with your wife, my ex-wife, so bad that she turned herself into a teenager and I still want to bone her and so do you.”

Every time I look at an NPC, and think they’re just about the creepiest thing going…

…some other NPC tries to make it a competition.

Ally: I feel filthy.
Elise: I think I’m gonna cry.
Ally: Also that llama was watching.
Elise: Not happy about that either.

Oh god, the snowman is eating people.

Whoops, no, my bad. That’s not a person. That’s just Elise.

What are you doing?

Ally: Practising ring-fu.

Where you show someone your ring, and while they look at it, you karate chop them?

Ally: You’ve heard of it before?

No. I just imagined the stupidest possible explanation for what you said, and naturally it was the correct one.

Elise: Stop trying to un-lesbian my lesbian!
Stephen: I fucking haven’t been!
Elise: Yes you have! Don’t think I haven’t seen you being all suave and smart and sexy all over the place!
Stephen: It sounds like maybe you’re looking for un-lesbianing in the wrong place, girl.

Ally: Why are you showering now? You knew I was gonna clean the bathroom.
Stephen: I think the answer is pretty apparent from the question.

Ally: So Elise isn’t paranoid? You really are hot for me?
Stephen: No, she’s paranoid all right. But it’s pissing me off so much that I’m gonna fuck you now just to prove a point and piss her off.

Ally: I’m flattered to be part of such a clever revenge plot by such a clever revenger.
Stephen: You really think it’s clever?
Ally: I do, but I’m no judge. I think “revenger” is a word, after all.

Stephen: It’s okay. Intelligence is often inversely proportionate to beauty.

Ally: I don’t know what that means, but it sounds like a compliment, so thanks!

Stephen: That thing in the bathroom was just roleplaying, right? Because I thought you were pretty smart.
Ally: I’ll admit I expected you to pick up on the stupid-maid-has-sex-in-the-bathroom-with-her-employer archetype before we left the bathroom.
Stephen: I did. I just hate banging on linoleum, these knees aren’t what they used to be.

Stephen: My old house burned zombies.

Stephen: Awesome, great, hold that pose! I’ve always wanted to paint surprised tits.

Stephen: I feel bad about making you be our maid.
Ally: Because you’re starting to like me?
Stephen: No, because there’s only two black girls in this story and the other one is going to end up as a prostitute.
Kendra: I am NOT going to end up as a prostitute!

Sure you are, Kendra who is not here! But Ally’s gonna be a lot more than a maid, let me assure you.

Ally: I have a future!
Stephen: A future in Pine Valley, though. That’s only worth, like, one-fifth of a future.

Stephen: So, suck my dick?
Ally: Calm down, honey! You don’t need to move so fast.
Stephen: FAST? Look at that fucking CLOCK, woman! We’ve been in here for like three hours! Much longer and I’ll remember how much hotter Ember is.

Stephen: She’s coming back, right?

Ally: He’s all yours, lady.
Ember: Gee, thanks. Tell me you at least sucked him off first.
Ally: His pants seemed damp, so he probably took care of that himself.
Ember: I don’t know you well enough to have had this personal and disgusting a conversation with you.
Ally: Yeah, we might be in university, but I don’t think this is the kind of experimentation we’re meant to be doing.

Stephen: I think I like having a house full of hot women.
Ember: Well now I know what to get you for your birthday.

There’s no need to laugh. The only thing hotter than a girl who dances well is a girl who dances badly.

And the only thing hotter than that is both at the same time.

Stephen: And the only thing hotter than that is Ally getting punched in the back of the head by her girlfriend.

Why is that hot?

Stephen: Because with a little exaggeration I can make it into a catfight story.

Ally: -shoves Elise down- Let the adults dance, honey.

It’s nice of you all to incorporate outstretched hands into your routine, for when Elise inevitably lands on her stupid ass.

Ally: Is Ember glowing?


Ally: I mean, like… more than that. Like, literally glowing.

She’s In The Zone.

Ally: Is that slang for being dangerously radioactive?

Hey, where’d Elise go?


Ally: For me?
Stephen: For me, really. It’s a potion that lets you change your attraction stuff, so you find me more attractive and don’t like your stupid lesbian girlfriend anymore.
Ally: What if I want to still like my stupid lesbian girlfriend?
Ally: You know what? Never mind. Thank you.

This is why you should always dance with someone before you move in with them.

In case they pull shit like this.


Ally: Now, how about that blowjob?
Stephen: Haha, but your girlfriend is right there!
Ally: It’s okay, she won’t know. She only understands lesbian sex things.

Ember: Hey Nick! How’s it hanging?
Nick: I dunno, it’s behind me. Can’t you see?

Ember: Ew! A flaccid penis! I didn’t know they still made those!

Nick’s might be flaccid too.

Ember: I’ll take Schrodinger’s Penis any day over one that’s been proven dead.

I’ll tell Schrodinger you said that, maybe he’s looking for a date.

Nicholas: Boo! Bad impression of someone peeing themselves!
Ally: I’m cheering!
Nicholas: Then you’re cheering very badly, wouldn’t you say?

Elise: You should talk. Ally’s going places, and you’re staying right here forever.
Nicholas: By all means, do explain to me why living in the hellhole of death and despair that is Pine Valley is better than hanging around university for all eternity, eating free food and paying no rent.

Prof. Amin: And then you rub your hands and grin evilly!
Ally: I didn’t know this dance existed! Elise, did you know the Heartless Rapist dance existed?
Elise: Of course I did. I was a Bitch Cow. We hang out with the Rape Llamas all the time!

Stephen: You look like a douchebag.
Nicholas: But at least I get to look like a douchebag forever!

Nicholas: Dancing with hot cheerleader chicks, pissing myself, blowing bubbles… care-free, and lovin’ it! Hey, baby! Check out this move!

Nicholas: HURK
Prof. Amin: O.O

Nicholas: -shits himself-


Nicholas: The babes! The dancing! The pissing!

The dying. All in a dormie’s work, bud.

Nicholas: How did my head even do that?!

It happens sometimes, really fast. I just happened to pause when it was happening.

Nicholas: If it’s just a glitch, then why are you making me die?!

Because I HATE YOU.

Elise: You’re far too cavalier with our lives.

Well, it shouldn’t bother you for long. You’re probably next.

Prof. Amin: -Dorian Gray impression-

I mean seriously, did he just age fifty years?

I didn’t know you liked Nicholas that much.

Stephen: I’m crying so the cops don’t think I did it!

Good plan. They tend to take a dim view of the “God did it” excuse.

At least you’re not pretending to care.

Ally: Nothing like a little death to distract you from the horrific monotony of your everyday life!

Ally: Shit, here it comes again.


Soon, dear. Quite soon.

Ally: Do the Battlemech!

Now is not the time for defunct video game dances, Ally.

Ally: Is there ever a time for defunct video game dances?

Yeah. Before they become defunct.

Stephen: Thanks for reminding me of Battletech, now I’m sad again.

Prof. Amin: Well! Thank you for a lovely show, I’m going to go jerk off in your hot tub now.

Stephen: But where will we find a pair at this time of night?!

Stephen: Let’s see… list of dudes I want to fuck… my term paper on late 17th century law reform… backup list of dudes I might want to fuck…

Stephen: Aren’t you usually to my right?

Stephen: This isn’t my computer, is it.
Ally: Can’t put nothin’ past you!

Oh, to be a squeegee on that floor.

Amin: Bad dancing, students dying… I had no idea they knew it was my birthday!

Troy: Express delivery, please do bend!
Roger: I’m not signing for it.

Ember: By all means, burst into my house for no reason without knocking.
Margaret Player: Hate the game, not Margaret Player!
Ember: Have you been waiting all your life to use that joke?
Margaret: MAYBE.

Margaret: Fada soola GOR! Fada soola OW!


Ember: You probably shouldn’t have walked in on her in the bathroom. She’s a lesbian.
Margaret: Well maybe I’m a lesbian too!
Stephen: Then that makes three of us!

Stephen: Just in time, too.

Stephen: Streakers are supposed to keep moving. That’s sort of how it works.
Troy: I’m not a streaker. I’m an indecent exposer. I just missed a payment on my trenchcoat, is all.

Ember: Hey! Who deleted my lists of dudes I want to fuck?

No, don’t sit down. The bathroom faucet is broken.


Elise: What’s going on with your mouth?
Stephen: It’s my impression of you, five minutes ago, and five minutes from now.

Elise: Whatever. Hey honey, let’s give Stevie Blue-Balls a show, shall we?

Stephen: I prefer interactive shows, myself.

Elise: I can’t believe you’d cheat on me!
Ally: I can’t believe you can’t believe that!
Elise: I can’t believe you can’t believe I can’t believe that!
Stephen: I can’t believe we’re doing this tired old joke…

Ally: I’m going outside where it’s less crazy people. You fuckers can sort this out yourselves.

Stephen: I made a Best Friend!

Ally: I’m gonna cheer for the railing, the railing isn’t tripping balls!

If you’re getting Wants to cheer, I think it’s about time I put you to dirt sleep.

Margaret: POINK! That’s for fucking up my fellow cheerleader’s relationship!
Stephen: Little does she know I have a stupid-bitch-nose-tweak fetish!
Margaret: You have a stupid-bitch-nose-tweak fetish?!

You’re looking awfully sanguine about all this.

Elise: Sanguine is a good way to describe it. Sanguine is an old word, with a lot of different meanings.

Elise: Like “bloody,” for example.

Oh, no. I don’t need another serial killer.

Elise: I prefer to ruin people’s lives more subtly.

What the fuck is that? Where did that come from?

That’s… is that a sword?

Elise: You know a better way to commit seppuku?


Margaret: Gerbitz. Gerbitz! Voooooo GERBITZ!
Ally: How fresh and original!

Ally: Elise! Come out here! You’ve gotta see this, she used a period instead of an exclamation point!


Elise: Well. That wasn’t so bad. Except for everything before I stabbed myself in the face.

Stephen: Am I hearing this right? Is my all-time favourite episode of “I Stabbed Myself in the Face” on right now?!

Elise: Killed myself with a sword, Al. How weird is that?

Ally: What’re you so happy about?
Stephen: Your girlfriend just died! Also, hey, Ally, I’m sorry, there’s no easy way to tell you this, but your girlfriend just died.


Ember: That was very tactfully done, Stephen.


How about a shelf, with an urn on it?


I’d say that’s a great idea, but I think if you consider which couples in Pine Valley need counselling the most, you’d be cutting your life pretty short by trying.

Troy: Where’d that hot, sexy artist dude go?
Ally: Oh, penises! I’d forgotten how genital you are!

Ember: I think if your roommate dies they let you skip finals.
Stephen: Sweet! And we’ve got a spare left for next year, too!


Genie: I hear and obey the master of the lamp!
Ember: Think you could try facing me, too?

Ember: Hi Ally! I’m just talking to my genie over here, won’t be a second!
Ally: Fuckin’ white people.

Genie: Two wishes remain.
Ember: My first wish is to skip ahead to the next sex scene!

Stephen: How did this happen?
Ally: Just roll with it.

Stephen: Why not? I try to never look a gift blowjob in the mouth.

Perhaps lose the ring?

Ally: Nah, you think it’s hotter this way.

I like a girl who knows my deeply flawed turn-ons.

This sort of thing is the reason dudes are always so disappointed with real maids.

Where’d that come from?

Ember: It’s what I actually wished for. I was just covering for your terrible picture-taking earlier.

Yeah, I know. I just couldn’t let you take that bullet for me. You already took an axe, after all.

Your seashell is glowing.

Stephen: It could be farting purple glue for all I care. Remind me to check it out after the blowjob, alright?

Stephen: Well, I let you blow me. Now you owe me.
Ally: I’m pretty sure it was your idea.
Stephen: I’m pretty sure there’s no pics, so I’m pretty sure we’ll never know, and I’m pretty sure the main character’s version trumps the random ex-cheerleader’s.
Ally: I’m pretty sure you’re not a main character anymore.
Stephen: Harsh! After I let you blow me, even!

Ally: It’s a moot point anyway. I’m the kind of girl who likes bosses with benefits.

Prof. Amin: You’re still the maid, right? Because I kinda pooped in your hot tub.

Prof. Amin: And I might be pooping huge bags of money, too.

Awesome, poo and pee. We’re classin’ it up today!

Stephen: Who’s that? Who’s there? I’ve got soap in my eyes.

Ally: Figure it out yet?
Stephen: I think you girls think your vaginas are a lot more distinctive than they really are.

Stephen: Oh. Hey. Sexy maid.
Ally: I thought you’d sound a little more excited.
Stephen: I was hoping maybe it was someone I hadn’t already banged.
Ally: We haven’t already banged. We just had oral sex.
Stephen: Explain that to my Memories panel.

Stephen: Hey Erin! You here for more sex?
Erin: I’m here because the game wanted to generate a random visitor.
Stephen: So, you don’t want to have sex?
Erin: Don’t put words in my mouth!

Stephen: How about tongues? Are tongues okay?

Ally: I’m Stephen’s special someone!

Erin: Who’s the chick?
Stephen: Nobody special.

Ally: As illusions go, that one was short-lived.

Ally: There’s some really great knitting patterns in here, you want me to cut them out for you?
Erin: You knit, Stephen?!

Ember: Hey honey, what’s new?
Stephen: Girl on my dick?
Ember: I said, what’s new?

Ember: Any good knitting patterns in there?

Erin: Tell me you didn’t just turn on the TV.
Stephen: I turn everything on, baby!

What does not being jealous taste like?

Erin: I don’t know!

You’re drinking an anti-jealousy potion!

Erin: Yeah, but the taste doesn’t register. The female brain can’t properly process a lack of jealousy.

That makes perfect sense to me, yes.

Stephen: Thank you for letting me bang all these chicks.
Ember: Thank you for distracting the Maker so I don’t get any dudes to bang.
Stephen: Thank you for passive-aggressing, I’m too worn out from sex to have a real fight.

Ally: So… do you knit?

Ally: How are you not freezing?
Stephen: I’m just that hot.
Ally: It really doesn’t work that way.
Stephen: Then how do you explain why your cheeks are going red?

Ally: I bow to your superior nonsense.

Ember: I’m amazed that thing can still stand up straight.
Stephen: You wouldn’t be, if you could see yourself right now.

Ember: That compliment was almost worth tolerating all the adultery.
Stephen: It certainly seemed like a good deal from over here!

Ally: Oh my god! My mail-order lesbian finally came!

Erin: Trust me, you don’t want to put your face in my crotch.

Erin: Pee comes out. Like a lot.

How very inconspicuous of you.

Cow: Hi, I’m from Indirect Energy. Do you have your hydro bills handy? I think I can save you a bundle on electricity!

Cow: And our speedy delivery will shock you!

Erin: Now look what you’ve done! I’m leaking feathers.

Guess there’s some more missing pics.

I hope?

Cow: Jesus Christ, woman! Have you got permits to carry those?!

Erin: You guys already killed a cow, right? Can you kill this cow, too?

Erin: Like, until he’s dead?

Cow: That’s right, all up in your grill! Whatcha gonna do about it?!
Stephen: I don’t know! My hand is stuck in the drain now!

Ember: What are you doing?
Stephen: I’m plotting out a new piece. I call it “Portrait of the Mascot as a Dead Man.”

I think you might have some of the details wrong, dude.

Ally: You’re really cute, Stevie baby!
Stephen: You’re no slouch yourself, Allykins!
Ally: Who’s my big strong man?
Stephen: I’m your big strong man!

Ember: Could they not just puke down my throat instead?

Ember: Would Stevie baby and Allykins like to get the fuck out of my bathroom before I flush them both down the toilet?

Ally: I must say, as collections go, this collection of hot naked women you’ve got going is quite impressive.

Stephen: What can I say? I’m an art lover.



Brittany: How can you need more of this already? You’re running through anti-jealousy potions like water!
Stephen: We’ve got jealousy like cancer around here. Consider this chemotherapy, only without the nausea.

I dunno. It’s giving me a bit of nausea, let me tell you.

Brittany: Can’t run, cows will eat me…

Ally: Night, Elise!

Brittany: Is it clean yet? I can’t see it.

That’s because GO HOME IT’S MIDNIGHT.

Ally: That doesn’t look like a term paper. That looks like an online dating chat room.
Ember: Shows what you know. It’s a webcam porn site. You wanna take off? I’ve gotta start playing with myself soon or the donations will stop.

Margaret: I sense a drop in school spirit!
Ember: Funny how that happens every time you show up.

Ember: Can’t a girl even dig up her own front lawn without some naked chick kicking over her pink flamingo?

I dunno. I think I need a lot more data before we can start drawing conclusions.

Wendy: This looks like a good spot to stand still and obstruct traffic.

Ally: How about you go piss yourself somewhere.

Margaret: It says here that cheerleaders are annoying and sexually overt!
Ally: Nonsense.

Stephen: I have to review this terrible piece of cubist crap.
Ember: Say it’s good.
Stephen: But it’s crap!
Ember: That’s pretty good, for cubism.

Ember: I don’t know how to explain tort law in one paragraph.
Stephen: Why?
Ember: Because there’s no laws for anything but burglary and money laundering in the SimNation. We used to have some crap about chemistry sets, but that was back when chemistry sets existed. I’m not sure why there’s even a law program here, to be honest. We just read John Grisham novels all day.

Stephen: According to the syllabus, next week I’ve got six solid hours of watching mainstream Hollywood art films.
Ember: Ugh! If they give you “Lost in Translation,” run as fast as you can and don’t look back.

Ember: To hell with this. I’m just gonna go fuck my prof. Want me to fuck your prof, too?
Stephen: Would you?
Ember: Hey, what are fianc├ęs for?

Yay! Another womrat! I don’t think I remember this one’s name, either, but it shows up again, so I’ll figure it out later.

Womrat: Yeah, fuck you too.

Stephan: Hey! Free dirt!

Stephan: You think you’ve caught me, but you’re only furthering my nefarious plan…

Stephan: …to wake you up for no reason!

Stephan: So yeah, I’m out.

Stephan: What? Aww, man! Do you respond to every alarm, or something? That’s retarded!

Stephan: Oh ho, a target of opportunity!
Ally: Don’t even think about it. I know ring-fu.

Stephan: Wait! Let me show you my ENTROPY union card! I think we bribe the police or something! Wait!


Ally: All this fighting… it makes me so…
Stephen: Horny?
Ally: Actually, yes. It reminds me of all those zombies I trounced.
Stephen: That was pretty hot!

Ember: Oh Stephen! You’re so manly and strong!
Stephan: I am!
Ember: Not you. Stephen with an “e.” The “e” is important.
Catalina: Hey! What about me? I beat the shit out of this burglar for you ungrateful fucks!
Ember: If it’s gratitude you’re looking for, maybe stop letting the burglars off scot free every time?

Ember: -flops her arms around like a twat-
Stephen: It’s possible that I’ve become too attractive.

Stephan: Talk tough, Catalina! With all the zombies and murderers and shit, this might be our last chance to shine!
Catalina: Just get in the back seat and shut up, dirtbag.
Stephan: Yes! Perfect! Just like that.

Look, I know you were married to him and all, but why do you still… wait… wait a second…


Catalina: Yep. Still butch. Just checking.

Ember: This school isn’t safe anymore.
Stephen: I know, right? It’s an ecology thing. The zombies kept the burglar population down.

Ally: Thank god he didn’t take any of my free dirt!

Catalina: Oh, for fuck’s sake. Don’t make me bring you in, too!

Ember: Spatula.

Ember: I mean, seriously. Spatula.

Ember: Isn’t that a weird word?

Not nearly as weird as that face you’re making.

I can definitely see why spatulas would be on your mind, though.

Oh, there we go. NOW your mail-order lesbian is here.

Troy: Blowjob?

Ally: Castration?

Troy: Retreat!

Retreat it is! Next time: we blow through practically all of Generation 2’s households at once. Because fuck them. Bullet-time speed chapters are reserved for interesting things, like nothing at all happening at university.

Sorry about that.

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