The Pine Valley Chronicles, Chapter Fifty-Six

Welcome to the Pine Valley Chronicles, an ongoing neighbourhood story in The Sims 2!
Warning: this journal may contain uncensored nudity, violence, profanity and sexual themes.

Updates on Friday every week!

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Well, I don’t really know if I have “fans” or not, and I can’t claim to know your tastes fully, but I think if I were ever to have an update full of fan service, it might be this update.

Last time in the Pine Valley Chronicles…

Boy, that sure was a boring one.

Oh god, are we still doing this? Lose the broad, Billy. She’s no good for you.

William: She’s a mostly-Maxis townie. She’s no good for anything.

William: Well, maybe some things.

Abigail: I just got an idea, and it’s an amazing one!

William: I just got an idea, and I think it might end the world.

William: I’ll spare you the obligatory walking-on-water metaphor.
Melanie: You’re walking on concrete.
William: What, I spare you but you can’t spare me?

William: So, I’ve been thinking… I kinda find you really fuckin’ hot.
Melanie: I have been in a constant state of pissing myself for the last five years.
William: Every girl has flaws, Melanie.

William: And pissing yourself is really not something you’ve got a monopoly on.

William: Hey, also, by the way, Cecilia killed all of your zombies at MNU.

William: And a bartender for some reason.

William: So since that whole Zombie Queen thing hasn’t really been panning out for you lately, I was wondering if you’d like to jump on my junk instead.
Melanie: Oh William, you’re such a wordsmith!

William: Of course, you’ve got something of a… peculiar… musk that might be clouding my judgement somewhat.
Melanie: I love a man who knows how to tactfully describe a girl stewing in her own sweat and piss.

William: I do have to admit, though, I’m still a teensy bit sore about how you and your Eaters of the Head KILLED MY GIRLFRIEND AND RUINED MY ENTIRE LIFE FOREVER.

Melanie: You didn’t really love Sunny, and it’s pretty clear to everyone how much you really do love being a sexy sexy secret agent man.
William: I can’t sustain my rage in the face of your flattery.
Melanie: Good thing, because I can’t sustain my flattery in the face of your face.

Melanie: Oochie coochie coo! Gonna eat your brains!
William: Good luck! I keep them in a jar in my bedroom!

Melanie: So yeah, your penis is like ten different kinds of huge.
William: Some scientists I know have postulated that it might be ten additional kinds of huge as well, in dimensions we’ve only just learned exist.

Melanie: Bring ‘er here, and let’s give ‘er a lick.
William: I’ve got two problems with that. The first problem is that you’re a zombie, and there’s no way I’m putting Captain Sparkles in your mouth. The second problem is that Captain Sparkles is not a her.
Melanie: I dunno, she sure spends a lot of time in a dude’s pants…

Oh oh! Popo!

Fake popo, actually. Hi Shadow! I didn’t know you ran away.

Shadow: .oO(That was the whole idea…)

William: Just so we’re clear, I’m letting you out so we can cure you.
Melanie: Braaaainnnnsss…
William: Cut it out. It’s a little late for the mindless zombie schtick.
Melanie: You know how dudes fresh out of prison all want a great big hamburger with onion rings on the side? This is kinda like that, only someone has to die.

Melanie: Hi, I’m Melanie! And you must be someone.
Popo: How did I get down here?
Melanie: Basement gravity. It fucks all kinds of shit up. It’s been known to yank warlocks right out of the sky. And sometimes, when you talk to someone on the phone, if you have a basement, they’re in your basement.
Popo: This fucking game.
Melanie: Tell me about it.



Oh no, not this shit again…

Sullivan: Never mind that now. Where’d the goddamn roof go?

I left it down so you could make that joke.

Sullivan: You’re the joke, buddy.

I know.


I know.

Melanie: You’re sure this shit is SFDA approved?
William: Side effects may include decreased appetite, increased mental activity, and organ growth.

Melanie: Well then. Here goes science!

Melanie: Whoah! Isn’t that a feeling!
William: What sort of feeling is it?
Melanie: I dunno! I just meant, like, wow! A feeling! Of any kind! I’d forgotten about those.

William: Jeez, who farted green zombie cloud?

Melanie: How are you gonna explain this to your bosses? I thought you were supposed to keep me all rotten and gross in case they wanted to study the first zombie ever or anything.
William: I started to give that some thought, but then Captain Sparkles spoke up and told me not to worry about it.

Melanie: What’s this one do? Make me forget how I was a mass murderer?
William: No, it lets you reset your Turn Ons and Turn Off so you find me a lot hotter.
Melanie: And I want to do that because…?
William: Because Piss Island is still waiting for you in the next room if you want to reconsider.

Melanie: You really know how to set things in perspective!

Melanie: Well, it’s not a shower, but it is a suspicious tub of water with electricity running though it, and that’s really the next best thing, right?

Melanie: Why hello, pleasure receptors, haven’t seen you around lately!

Melanie: Mmm, that felt good! It sure is nice to freshen up after a fifteen-year bender.

Melanie: So, what’s THE FUCK?!

William: I think you mean what the fuck. I hope all those years of brain rot haven’t affected your speech centre.

Melanie: William… why…
William: Your personality.
Melanie: What?
William: Your personality. It’s all fucked up. Because you’re a zombie.
Melanie: I can change!
William: Of course you can. What do you think we’re doing here?

William: Just beam her up and let me get on with this.

You are dead, aren’t you?

Melanie: I’m not really sure I know how.

I’m not really sure you do either.

Sullivan: I don’t think I have a dust pan big enough for this.

Sullivan: I can feel the world growing a little brighter, and fuck do I ever resent it.


Because we didn’t care that you’d gone.

Sullivan: You’re not keeping her, right?

William: Maybe I should hold off on calling, he might still be on his pale horse and I wouldn’t want him to get a ticket for talking on his cell.

William: Seriously? Zombied again? Is that your core competency? Being a zombie? Are you a natural-born zombie? Have you got zombiism, and the only cure is more zombiism?
Melanie: You didn’t pay enough to resurrect me.
William: I was trying for the low bid personality reversal thing.
Melanie: Well you fucked it up.
William: Evidently!

William: It’s just… that shit ain’t cheap, you know? It’s not like there’s a factory somewhere producing albino blood, or something.


I forget to put all the walls back up sometimes, stop picking on me.

William: I owe you like fifty of these, bitch, so stop complaining!


William: Oh, stop making that face. I’m bringing her right back.
Sullivan: It’s just that I hate to see you in a position of power over her.
William: I didn’t know you were a feminist.
Sullivan: What? No, fuck that up its fat hairy ass. I just hate you.

William: Phones haven’t been this huge since the 80s.

And penises have never been that huge, so be careful what you complain about.

William: That’s a different colour! Is that good? Is that a better colour?

William: How do you feel, Melly?
Melanie: I feel like a Melly!
William: Is that good?
Melanie: No! It’s a terrible mushy nickname, and I should hate it! But I don’t! I can feel my heart beating faster and my cheeks turning red!
William: Oh god, it worked. You’re a girly girl now!

Sullivan: I’m still holding out hope that somewhere, deep inside, she’s still a world rapist.

Melanie: I’m a different person now! Maybe that will even hold up in a court of law!

Melanie: Not that we even have courts of law.

Not yet, anyway.

Melanie: That was just an idle threat, right?

I’m never idle about threats, honey.

William: Everything seems to be in order, but I think we ought to get the Melanie inspector in to make sure.
Melanie: Do you know any Melanie inspectors?
William: It just so happens that Captain Sparkles runs a side business when he’s on leave…

William: He has very reasonable rates, too. He accepts payment in screams of pleasure.

Melanie: That sounds pretty good. I’ve been looking forward to a good round of jungle fucking since I lost feeling in my vagina.
William: Has that feeling come back yet?
Melanie: I honestly don’t know, most of my body parts seem to have started speaking Spanish since the last time I could hear them talk.

Melanie: Wow! My fingertips are tingling something fierce! It must be the circulation starting up again!
William: Either that or it’s the acid bath Dr. Maybe dipped me into last week.
Melanie: Wait, he actually dipped you in? You didn’t, like, escape at the last minute?
William: I don’t even bother trying anymore. I’ve been a secret agent for more than ten years, Melanie. I’m immune to acid.

William: Saliva, though, I’m curiously vulnerable to.

Yep, not creepy and weird at all.

Oh god, it just occurred to me… what if they have kids?

Melanie: Admit it… you wanna see how that pans out.

Yeah, totally. It’s just that I fear for my own physical safety, here in the real world, if it happens.

Melanie: Half the fun of life is being terrified of death.

You’ll have to forgive me if I don’t trust the opinion of someone from Pine Valley about what’s fun and what isn’t.

William: It’s funny. Back when you were a paper girl, or some university chick, you were pretty damn boring. But now that you were the Queen of the Zombies, baby, you’re pretty goddamn amazing!

That’s pretty much how I felt about you, as a character, when you were a teenager.


William: HAHA I totally thought for a second you were jumping on me to eat my brains.
Melanie: Haha… actually… for a second, I thought I was too.

Melanie: Doesn’t that hurt?
William: Captain Sparkles does not know pain. He only knows biblically.

Melanie: Nice ass, huge dick, clever wordplay… what more could a girl ask for?

Less certainty of horrific death?

Melanie: That’s unrealistic. We don’t have taxes in Pine Valley, so death has to really step it up in the certainty department.

Your hands always seem to find her ass, William.

William: They are tireless seekers of quality.

William: This could really turn into something, you know? We could have sex, and then get married, and then have sex, and then move into my old house, and then have sex, and have kids, and also have a lot of sex before and after and in between all the things I just said that weren’t already having sex.

Melanie: Could we have sex before, and after, and in between all the things you just said that were already having sex?
William: It’ll be hard, baby, but I think we can make it work!

Melanie: Promise me you won’t let anyone kill me but you.
William: Best enemies for life, honeybunch. Best enemies for life.

I’m honestly surprised it took this long to happen.

Aren’t you?

Melanie: Speaking of surprises, and long…
William: You’ve seen it before! You’ve had it in you before!
Melanie: You think getting hit by a transport trailer gets easier the second time?!

You picked a really romantic spot, though, didn’t you?

William: Floor sex isn’t autonomous. You told us to do this. You picked the spot.

Yeah, I know, I’m sorry. After all that shit with the zombies in the Price mansion basement I think I’ve acquired a sex-on-cold-concrete fetish.

I’ll just add it to the list.

And then Leonard turned into a pinata and exploded.

Leonard: Hey, I’m a teen! That’s cool! See you later, childhood!


William: Was it good for you?
Melanie: It’s hard to tell. The scale doesn’t go that high!

It’s pretty damn good for me, I’m not ashamed to admit.

But I doubt this is what Will Wright had in mind in 1989.

Melanie: Alright Mr. High-and-Mighty, come down here with your ivory tower.

Melanie: Jesus Christ. When you take the direct route with that thing, my fillings start to vibrate.
William: You have fillings?
Melanie: Well, that’s what I call them. They’re actually pieces of rotten Sim flesh stuck in my cavities. You probably should have let me brush my teeth before we did all this.

Leonard: Not a bad update, but it really needs more dude-ass!

Leonard: And the dudiest ass in the whole dudeassiverse is this badass dude’s ass right here!

I really should not have let you live with William for so long. His dialogue has rubbed off on you, but you’re not genetically capable of handling so much awesome so your brain just translates it into douchebag.

William: Your breath is surprisingly fresh for having eaten all those people.
Melanie: I think the last one was drunk on mouthwash or something.

William: …wait. Wasn’t the last one, like… my mom?
Melanie: Your family’s pretty fucked up. It can’t be that much of a surprise to you by now.

Personally, nothing surprises me anymore.

Melanie: I think this is one of those situations that is entirely beyond the abilities of all the king’s horses, and maybe all the king’s men as well.
William: I’m not asking you to put it back together again. I’m just asking you to put it in your mouth.

William: So that’s what a uvula feels like.

My god. She’s your soul mate.

Melanie: Drgu grtlotter grlsookun dudis?

William: What? Use your thought bubbles.

Melanie: .oO(Do you get a lot of girls who can do this?)

She’s asking if you get a lot of girls who can do this.

William: Oh. Well, there’s a few who’ve been able to do it. Doing it twice, though, not so much. And you should see the dental bills they stick me with.

Melanie: .oO(Hey! You’re engaged to somebody!)

She saw your ring.

William: Yeah, I know. Her teeth just clenched.

William: Anyway, don’t worry about it. She’s not half as awesome as you are.

Seriously? Abigail’s twice as awesome as Melanie is!

William: Ask your readers what they think.


You seem to have this well in hand… ha ha… but let me know if you need anything. Like chapstick. Or plastic surgery.

William: Well girl, I’ve gotta say I’m impressed. There aren’t a lot of people who can handle a full frontal Captain Sparkles assault.
Melanie: There aren’t a lot of girls who can split open a man’s skull and slurp out his brains, either.
William: That used to be true, but these days, thanks to you, not so much.

William: Of course, I killed most of them.
Melanie: We’ve pretty much cleaned out the neighbourhood, between the three of us.
William: The three… oh, you mean Cecilia. Hey, weird thing! Apparently Cecilia reappeared the other day.
Melanie: I didn’t know she was missing.
William: Weird. I guess newspaper service sucks in basement prison pools.

Melanie: It’s not the only thing that sucks down here.
William: Sorry, can we wait a bit? It’s just that nobody ever gets that much in their mouth, and it’s not used to all the attention, and I guess what I’m trying to say is that my giant penis is in a giant state of giant raw shock and I think if it happens again anytime soon I’ll probably pass out.

Melanie: This bed smells like a girl.
William: It probably smells like more than one girl.
Melanie: Do you bring home more than one girl that smells like motor oil and alien anal lube?
William: It’s entirely possible, since I don’t really know what that last one would smell like. And why do you?
Melanie: I don’t, really. I’ve just been reading up on the Chronicles and I see Abigail got abducted.
William: So you thought you’d make a clever little joke.
Melanie: I did.
William: Well DON’T. That’s MY job.

Except your jokes aren’t ever clever.

William: Details.

William and Melanie: YABBA DABBA DOO!

Sulllivan: Why can’t they have normal impersonal art like normal impersonal people for me to steal?

Sullivan and the Horrifying Technicolour Nightmare Bugs.

What was your great idea from earlier?

Abigail: To play pool all day.

What’s so great about that? You were already working on the stupid pool scholarship!

Abigail: Write down the first idea you have every morning and see if it’s that fucking brilliant later, then, why don’t you?

I like to think that “Phelps” is Cecilia Phelps, and that she left the university a bequest to reward people for fucking around doing nothing. And “Wilsonoff” is clearly a random townie she decided to blame it on.

Abigail: What next?

Get out of that room. And maybe move the computer out while you’re at it.

Abigail: I already knew he was a useless cheating fuck.

Abigail: It’s not that surprising to find out he’s a stupid useless cheating fuck.

Abigail: I mean, sure. Why would I be offended that he freed the mastermind of the Sim world’s most recent rapacious genocracy instead of trying to make up with me?

Abigail: Who needs a hot superscientist when you can have a vacuous ex-papergirl with a bad case of mental herpes?

Abigail: Way to decisions, guys. You deserve each other.

Abigail: MNU won’t know what hit them.

Abigail: But it will be a ten-ton hammer of pretty.

Talin: How would you like to use your pretty hammer on my sexy nail?
Abigail: If you’re suggesting I stomp on your penis, then by all means let’s lift that faggy grass skirt of yours.


Abigail: Just because it’s a homophobic word doesn’t make it not an awesome word. I say we need to start liberating all the awesome words from the iron grip of small-minded bigots.

Yeah. It’s not fair that bigots get all the fun.

Although they probably think it is.

Talin: BOO BUGS!
Bugs: -are scared-

Abigail: -sultry-

Abigail: -sleepy-

William: Don’t think I can’t feel you eyeing my brains.
Melanie: Your brains are safe. I figure it’s probably “live by the gun, die by the gun,” not “live by the gun, die by the zombies.”
William: I don’t know why you’d find that kind of logic appealing, because it gives you “live by the zombies, die by the zombies.”
Melanie: I’d like to see them try.

Abigail: Why are they still in my house?

Because checkout time is between 8 and 12 in the morning. Next year! Which is fast approaching. As for next chapter, well… it’s university again. In other words, it’s like three hundred images long. I hope you’ve been saving up your stamina with these last two short ones, because shit is about to get real. Real long, anyway.

Can I just say how much I love doing this journal? I think I can. Because I just did.


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