The Pine Valley Chronicles, Chapter Fifty-One

Welcome to the Pine Valley Chronicles, an ongoing neighbourhood story in The Sims 2!
Warning: this journal may contain uncensored nudity, violence, profanity and sexual themes.

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Welcome to the Monster Update from Hell, Part 2.

Personally, I’m just happy to be making something new instead of madly rewriting fifteen old things. Don’t get me wrong, I’m pleased with the results, but never again.

Last time in the Pine Valley Chronicles…

Poor Seth Brundle. At least you reincarnated as the best mathematician ever.

I think I like the idea of starting each update with indisputable hotness. Where ya goin’?

Ember: Away from that puddle of piss, and the fuck out of this shithole dorm!

Ah, this is always a bad idea.

Oh, like that’s news.

Ember: Why do you always put in these stupid flirt pics?

Well, actually, in this case, I’m showing off your tit profile.

Normally, though, I dunno. OCD.

Still got your own unique set of facial expressions, eh.

Ember: You don’t put clown makeup on a supermodel, buddy!

Why not? That sounds hilarious!

Ember: Stephen? Promise me something?
Stephen: Anything, baby.
Ember: If I get old, or ugly… kill me.
Stephen: Count on it.

Do adults jump rope? Really?

Irfan: Hi Mrs. Price!
Ember: I’m a Fox now.
Irfan: You sure are!

Prof. Sinjin Tang: Hi Ember! Looking for some extra credit?
Ember: I told you, I’m not having sex with you!
Prof. Sinjin Tang: It’s hard to take that seriously coming from a woman who parades around in her underwear in public.

Tracy: Hi guys! Don’t mind me! Just stalking you!
Ember: I thought we moved out of the dorm to get away from all the randos.
Stephen: You know what they say: life finds a way.
Ember: I bet you think you sounded really wise just now, but you know what? I’ve seen Jurassic Park too.
Stephen: Jurassic Park 2? Man, that one sucked.

Third one was better.

Ember: Bradley? Ugh. What? There were no “good old times,” Bradley. You were boring, and then we had kids, and you were still boring, and then I died, and what do you know, now that I’m back, like twenty years later, you’re still fucking boring.

Ember: Fine, okay, I’ve got one. Remember when we taught Chelsea to shit in a little red pot? That was awesome. I bet you’ve still got that little red pot! Why don’t you go stick your head in it.

Ember: It’s like a fucking circus out there. I’m gonna do this inside.
Stephen: Terrific.

Funny I never thought of doing this before. Funny because my parents and I had our computers in this exact configuration for years. That’s not funny to you? It wasn’t funny to me back then, either, let me tell you. They were all like “stop watching porn beside me!” Not really. They loved it. Not really. I made this whole story up.

Well, most of it.

Prof. Sinjin: Don’t mind me, just lurking around your porch at night.
Stephen: Sounds legit.

Reading a newspaper with a perfectly good computer in front of you? Man you’re old!

Stephen: So, we’re in an open but committed relationship, right?
Ember: Right.
Stephen: So we can date other people at the same time.
Ember: Yeah.
Stephen: So we should start doing that.

Stephen: BUT NOT RIGHT NOWWWWWW!

The cow is flirting with her.

Stephen: Of course it is! She’s being all sexy at it!

Stephen: HURRY UP AND LET ME SLAP YOU I GOTTA PEE

Stephen: -reaches in- GOT YOUR REAL NOSE
Cow: OH NO MY REAL NOSE

Ember: So, we cool?
Stephen: You! Hatefuck, after I kill this cow.
Ember: Deal!

Cow: Not if I suffocate you with my padded hooves first!

Stephen: I’m gonna kick your ass back to the Cow Level, bitch!
Cow: There is no Cow Level!

Ember: I hope he doesn’t end up with a barnyard fetish because of this. I hear that’s a thing now.

Ember: Oh shit, he’s gonna get himself impaled!

Stephen: Ugh! You smell like sprinkler water and joy buzzers!

Ember: Ouch. I think I have to marry the cow now. I think that’s how honor duels work.
Cow: Sweet! I’m changing your name to “Charla.” I like that name.
Ember: I don’t think that’s how marriage works.

Ember: PLEASE don’t be mad at me. You know these fucking cows. These fucking cows are NUTS.
Stephen: Nuts and sluts. Story of my life.

Ember: So, we’re cool?
Stephen: No.

Stephen: You’re cool. I’m just lucky.

Stephen: Is that a bit of steak in your teeth?
Ember: No, sorry. Broken piece of dental floss.

Stephen: Damn. I could have really gone for a bit of steak in your teeth.

Stephen: Anyway, you’re the most beautiful girl in the world and I’m thrilled to be with you.
Ember: Aww! You’re the best thing that’s ever happened to me! 😀

Cow: WE’RE NOT DONE HERE, ASSHOLE! LET’S GO ANOTHER ROUND!
Ember: This is the worst thing that’s ever happened to me! D:

Pff. Not even close.

Ember: GRENADE IN YOUR FACE
Cow: What?! Where the fuck did you get a grenade?
Ember: I didn’t. But from that smell, I’m guessing you just had your own little explosion in those cow pants of yours.

Cow! Hey, cow! I’ve set some drinks out for you in the kitchen!

Cow: I thought we had something!
Ember: Yeah! We did! We had you trying to fuck up my engagement!
Cow: Well I’m sorry for thinking that meant something to you!

Cow: I’m just gonna drink this suspicious red potion and leave, then!

Cow: What the fuck was in that BRAAAAAAAAINNNNNNS.
Ember: Probably not a whole lot.

Fun with Science: drinking the zombie cure when you’ve got low Aspiration and no zombiism makes you a zombie.

Cow: Make me a fucking zombie, will you? I’m gonna drink this other suspicious red potion in retaliation!

Cow: THIS REVENGE PLOT WAS POORLY PLANNED

Ember: Woo! Yeah! Hamburgers tonight, baby!

Stephen: Awesome! We’re murderers now!
Ember: Well, we’re gonna resurrect her after. We’ve still got those magic lamps, remember?
Stephen: Another lifelong dream thwarted.

You guys are enjoying this way too much. I’ve already got one serial killer, and she’s got a pretty viciously-policed monopoly on serial killing.

Genie: What the fuck is this? Is this university? Fuck that, I’m going back in my lamp. I don’t wanna be a fucking zombie!
Stephen: There’s no more zombies left here, and anyway, you’re a genie. You can’t become a zombie.
Genie: Just because genies and zombies are from different cultural mythologies doesn’t mean they can’t mix!
Stephen: No, they can’t mix because zombies are real Sims and genies are OBJECTS.
Genie: Right, sure, because objectification is way more acceptable than racism. Nice save, Hitler.
Stephen: I’m pretty sure Hitler didn’t believe in genies!
Genie: Then I’m pretty sure you don’t know shit about Hitler!

Stephen: Anyway yeah. Bring the stupid cow back.

Ember: I hope you don’t expect me to clean up all those particle effects.

Ember: She’s still a fucking zombie!
Genie: Oh, is that what it is? I thought it was just Mad Cow Disease.

Cow: I really don’t think I can do this.

Look, you need to get your Aspiration up so you can drink the cure without dying.

Cow: Sure. I get that. I just think there’s other skill points I’d be just as happy to get.

You don’t want to learn how to cook?

Cow: I don’t want to learn how to cook steak. This is a book about cooking steak.

You’re NOT REALLY A COW.

Cow: Then STOP CALLING ME “COW.”

Okay.

Elise Barakat: Thank you.

Elise: Fucking cheap asshole, buying me a stupid Dell.

I should have left you dead.

Stephen: So, should we be, like, studying? Or writing papers? Or something?
Ember: Nah, I’m making the cow do all our work.
Stephen: And she’s cool with that?

Elise: I NAME THIS FLAMINGO “EMBER” AND I SENTENCE IT TO A LIFETIME OF SHAME AND PUNISHMENT

But yeah, she’s cool with it.

Ugh. I hope you’re planning to wipe that counter when you’re done.

Don’t get ahead of yourself. I’m still not even sure if you’re going to live out the rest of this chapter.

Ah, bland conformity. The true goal of any respectable university.

I’m not bitter or anything.

I’m just right.

Well! You clean up nicely! I was half-expecting you to look like a cow underneath, too.

But yeah, hey. I think you’ve got a little bit of Maxis in your eye.

So you’re their maid now?

Elise: APPARENTLY.

And you’re putting up with that because…?

Elise: BECAUSE YOU’D PROBABLY KILL ME OTHERWISE.

Don’t be silly. I’ll probably kill you anyway.

But you seem to be adjusting well.

Mostly.

Elise: Hi Stephen! Don’t mind me!
Stephen: Flamingo Ember? Was she hurting you?
Flamingo Ember: -is in shock-

Stephen: No-one fucks with my flamingo wife!

Hey, it’s just like Peter Reiner’s outdoor zombie beds!

Elise: As long as they don’t start walking around naked with machineguns, that’s fine.

Whoa whoa WHOAH. I think all that slapping knocked something loose in your STANDARDS, girl.

Ally: I used to be a HERO! Fada soola BRON! I used to fight the zombies but they’re gone gone GONE! Gerbitz! Gerbitz! Nooooooooo PURPOSE!

Hey, that worked out pretty well!

Ember: Why is there a cheerleader in our living room?
Stephen: You like it? I bought it cheap!

Ember: I think we need to talk about this collection of single women you’re starting.
Stephen: Can we talk about your feelings instead?

Bitches love it when you pretend to care about their feelings.

Elise: Protoss Walk!

Good for you!

Elise: Still Protoss Walk!
Stephen: NOBODY CARES ABOUT STARCRAFT ANYMORE

Elise: THEY DO IN KOREA

Be honest: how many of you come here just for the porn?

Stephen: I do!
Ember: Me too!

I was talking to the READERS.

Stephen: Pff. You don’t have any readers.

I HAVE LOTS OF READERS AND THEY’RE ALL MY FRIENDS D’:

Elise: So.
Ally: Yup.

Elise: You gay?

Ally: I’m gay for FIGHTING.

Isn’t that a band? “Gay for Fighting”?

Elise: I’m gay for YOU.

Ally: Well… I guess what fighting doesn’t know won’t hurt her!

Ally: Fada soola GOR!

I think the best part, the ABSOLUTE BEST PART of dating cheerleaders is that they stop to do their entire cheer after EVERY SINGLE INTERACTION.

Ember: So. Now that the zombies are gone, Ally, what are you going to do with your life?
Ally: Date your maid.
Ember: That’s not… that’s a lifestyle choice, not a life choice.
Ally: Are you calling homosexuality a choice?
Ember: Yes! Because in this game, IT IS A FUCKING CHOICE!

Yeah, by the way, what the hell Maxis?

Ember: Endless turkey dinners are almost worth going gay for, though, I gotta say.

Stephen: Why are you in my chair.
Elise: Got here first.
Stephen: You’ve been a playable for ONE DAY. I’ve been a playable since DAYS WERE INVENTED. What I guess I’m trying to say here is GET OUT OF MY CHAIR.

I repeat: does anyone know a hack to keep the Young Adult walk for Adults? I’m getting desperate here.

Stephen: HA HA HA YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH A COW
Ember: HA HA HA YOU’RE STILL ON ABOUT THAT

Stephen: I guess as long as I’ve got first dibs you can bang whoever you want.
Ember: I guess as long as I let you think you’ve got first dibs, that’ll work just fine!

Stephen: Stop being clever and fuck, goddammit.

Elise: So just to be clear: we’re gay now, right? Like, gay together. Togayther.
Ally: I’ll agree to that in principle, but I’m not too keen on your terminology.

Elise: WELL HOW ‘BOUT I BREAK YOUR FUCKING NOSE HUH

Ally: HOW ‘BOUT I SMOTHER YOU IN RETALIATION
Elise: HOW ‘BOUT THAT SOUNDS HEAVENLY

Things I don’t tell my family about: my internet journal with lesbian pillowfights in.

Good thing you can’t reproduce, because I have no interest in raising a 100% Maxis baby.

I’ll leave that kind of shit for the Sable Legacy.

Eventually.

Ugh.

Prof. Amin: Can’t look, lesbians will eat me.

Elise: Oh my god Ally! Ugly old dude behind you!
Ally: And it’s not even my birthday!

Prof. Amin: I’ve never been insulted by a lesbian before. That is so hot.

Yeah, that clothing rack really needed some school spirit.

Makeover! Ally was actually rawther hot under all that base game garbage.

Elise: Hot new stranger! Hold me, hot new stranger!
Ally: Very funny, Elise.
Elise: HOW DO YOU KNOW MY NAME

Ally: What’s that smell?

Prof. Amin: WHICH ONE IS THE REAL EMBER?!

Ally: Fada soola GOR!
Erin: Why does she keep doing that?
Elise: If you find out, I will pay you ALL OF THE DOLLARS to tell me.

Hmm. Wipe all the dried piss off and she might be halfway useable.

But remind me to do something about those eyes. Somehow I remembered to replace the skintones and decustomize the hair, but I had a blind spot for the Maxis eyes.

…a blind spot for eyes? Good god.

Elise: Apparently porches are the new NOT PORCHES.

When is a door not a door? WHEN YOU STAND AROUND IN FRONT OF IT LIKE AN IMBECILE.

It can be hard to artfully obscure the fact that kisses never seem to actually connect.

Where did you get that face, Ally?

Ally: I WON IT FROM A ZOMBIE IN A DUEL.

I was… I being… I don’t even know what I was being now, that’s just bad ass.

Ember: JESUS CHRIST GET THE FUCK OFF MY PORCH

Ally: And then the Emperor is all like “So be it… Jedi…” and then he’s all like LIGHTNING FINGERS

Elise: I know right! And the Rancor is all like RAWR RAWR RAWR
Erin: Where’s Stephen? Who are these people?

Ally and Elise: And Threepio is all like “We’re doomed!”
Erin: He’s really hot. Stephen, I mean. Not Threepio.
Ember: I’m thinking you all need to leave.

Stephen: Well, I’m thinking at least one of them needs to stay.

Coming soon: the Cheerleader Apocalypse.

Who could that possibly be from? Everyone you’ve dated recently lives in this house!

Stephen: It’s from me, okay? I had a really good time with myself yesterday.

I don’t want to know.

Elise: Well, it’s settled. You’re moving in with us. And aging. And dying.
Ally: You make it sound so romantic.

Erin: You made me wet.
Stephen: Hey, awesome! I think you’re really hot too.
Erin: You didn’t let me finish. You made me wet myself. I couldn’t get into the bathroom. I’m going home now.

It’s experiences like these that really bring people together.

Elise: I don’t think Ember likes me very much.

I don’t know what’s giving you that impression.

Ally: So, if you let us live here, we’ll clean for you, cook for you, and maybe even give you blowjobs.
Stephen: You had me at blowjobs.
Ally: That was the last thing I said.
Stephen: I know.

Ally: I’ll have to take a raincheck on that, though. There’s a muff waiting for me in the other room that’s not gonna dive itself.

Ally: Mmmm… mmmmff… no… no… this feels wrong. There’s something I have to do first.

Ally: Fada soola GOR!
Stephen: We’re not taking them back to Pine Valley with us, are we?

Elise: Got the cheerleader out of your system for the night?
Ally: The cheering part. The slutty part’s still in full swing.
Elise: Oh, I think we can handle that.

Elise: So… you think he might eventually have university things in this university update?
Ally: God, I hope not.

A match made in lesbian heaven.

Elise: OH MY GOD THE TICKLE MONSTER’S GOT ME
Ally: HE’S PULLING US INTO HIS TICKLY BLANKET CAVE

These WooHoo pics are starting to strain my creativity a bit.

Prof. Amin: I wonder which drawer she keeps her panties in.

Prof. Amin: Tell anyone I was here and I’ll fail you.
Erin: You’re… not my prof.
Prof. Amin: I meant “I” as in “the collegiate hivemind.”
Erin: Oh, okay, yeah. That makes sense now.

Elise: CAN’T SLEEP, PROFS WILL PERV ME

Elise: Sleep well, cheery dear?
Ally: You’re still here! So it wasn’t a dream!
Elise: Of course not, silly. This is reality.
Ally: I guess I should have known. My dreams are usually a lot better.

And you’re a lot better than most people’s dreams.

Indentured servitude has rarely looked so good!

Stephen: Elise! What a surprise! I’m not looking!
Elise: Good.

Stephen: YOU CAN INVITE ME TO LOOK ANY TIME NOW

Stephen: Okay, fine, I’m looking, turn around so we can have sex.
Elise: I’m dating Ally.
Stephen: I’m happy for you. NOW can we have sex?

Ember: I heard voices.
Elise: Your fiancé was watching me shower.
Ember: Oh, okay, cool.
Elise: Cool? You don’t feel threatened, or jealous, or anything?
Ember: Have you seen yourself? Can you see me? If you were me, would you feel threatened, or jealous, or anything?

Stephen: Is SOMEBODY gonna have sex with me?!

Ember: Ooh, I’m all wet and steamy and alone in here.
Stephen: OLD NEWS.

Yeah. An oldie, but a goodie.

Stephen: So when you’re a lesbian, do you get yourself fixed?
Elise: What? Why? Why would I do that?
Stephen: So you don’t accidentally get lesbian pregnant?
Elise: What the fuck is “lesbian pregnant”?!
Stephen: I don’t know! You’re the lesbian! You tell me!

Stephen: I am here to mop the floor.
Ally: I totally believe you.

Ally: Stop being so coy. I know where you want to put your mop handle.
Stephen: Was that an invitation?
Ally: Whoops, sorry, I’m clean. Too late!

Stephen: So, I hear there’s these new anti-jealousy potions.
Felicia: I’ve never heard of those.
Stephen: They’re custom content, just check your pie menus, you’ll see them.

Felicia: Are you sure about this?
Stephen: Jealousy is a bit of an issue in this household right now, yes.
Felicia: I mean, are you sure you want to buy like fifty of these.
Stephen: Oh, am I ever sure. I don’t wanna see your wrinkly old lady face again anytime soon if I can help it.

Stephen: Surprise! Strangerfucking potions!
Ember: My favourite!

Stephen: Hey Erin! I’ll see you over here in a few minutes! Just hop in the shower first.
Erin: You mean, you’re gonna hop in the shower first?
Stephen: Pff, no! Do I keep pissing myself?!

Stephen: Okay, grody old lady! Leaving time is now!
Felicia: I’ve had sex with the most famously attractive man in this state, you know.
Stephen: Nope! That was one of the other gypsies, and anyway, EVERYONE has sex with William.
Felicia: I’m not the gypsy who had sex on the road?
Stephen: No! That one died!
Felicia: Really? Then which one am I?
Stephen: You’re the one who WON’T GO THE FUCK AWAY

Ember: Tits out, bottoms up!

Stephen: Erin! It’s so great to smell you! Instead of smelling your piss.

Erin: This is a huge dorm room you have!
Stephen: It’s not a dorm room. It’s a house.
Erin: Oh, so we’re making up words now are we?

Erin: I see you’ve got some Maxis in you. Us Maxoids gotta stick together!
Stephen: I was kinda hoping my hair would hide it…

Stephen: But yeah, let’s go the fuck inside. And fuck. Inside. You.

Nah, let’s not. Inside’s looking pretty crowded right now.

Ember: My ass! JUDGE MY ASS.
Ally: A ten-point scale, or decimals? What do you think, Elise?
Elise: Does it really matter?
Ally: RULES ALWAYS MATTER.

Stephen: -whistles “Violin Concerto in D Minor”-

Erin: -whistles “The Devil Came Down to Georgia”-
Stephen: YOU’RE NOT PLAYING THE GAME RIGHT

Yeah, and you scared off all the trees!

Unlike Erin, Stephen has mad game.

You can tell because the trees came back again.

Stephen: It’s getting pretty windy up here! Quick, cling tight to my hot throbbing body or your sleek slender form might get blown away!

Alright, who keeps toggling my neighbours and decorations off…

Erin: …did an entire row of houses just materialize behind me?
Stephen: It did, yeah.
Erin: Your hugs are AMAZING!

That seems to be a point of agreement.

Also amazing: my scenery.

I placed every single one of those trees individually.

In my underwear.

Ally: Voooooooooo GERBITZ!
Ember: I -may- have to kill you.

Erin: Dammit, you kissed my nose all diagonal!
Stephen: Well maybe your nose should be less malleable!

And maybe her hair should be less antigravity.

Or maybe not.

Stephen: I’m getting an idea.
Erin: From my face?
Stephen: Yeah. I’m studying art, right? I was thinking I could do a whole series of photographs, showing off the beautiful faces of Pine Valley.
Erin: I’m not from Pine Valley.
Stephen: Yeah, I know. It wasn’t your face specifically that gave me the idea, just the concept of faces in general.
Erin: So should I be insulted or flattered?
Stephen: Whatever floats your boat.

Stephen: I’m also thinking these women would all be naked.
Erin: I think the number of women who’d be willing to pose nude for you might be kind of limited.
Stephen: I think you don’t know what you’re talking about.

Ally: So, I can fuck him?
Ember: As long as you don’t do it as well as I do.
Ally: How am I supposed to judge that?!
Ember: My bedroom, ten minutes, you bring the lube.

Stephen: .oO(I am in love with this woman who is not my wife who just cheated on me.)

No wonder you could only express that in a thought balloon.

Erin: Look out! Runaway bride behind you!
Stephen: That was a movie. That was not real.
Erin: Next you’re gonna tell me that old black men aren’t always magic.
Stephen: Well let’s not get stupid about this….

Elise: I’m telling on you.

Stephen: Oh, hello there! I see you’re a beautiful young woman! I’m just standing here, waving my arms around and airing my dick out! Would you like to taste it?
Erin: I’m sending you to a D&D game before we roleplay next time.

Now I’m gonna think about piss every time I see a hot redhead. Thanks, Erin.

Erin: Happy to help.

Stephen: You don’t have a…
Erin: I know.
Stephen: Then how will we…
Erin: We just will.
Stephen: Okay?

Erin: Is it all aired out yet?
Stephen: A bit too much, actually. Think you could blow some air back in?

Erin: You first.

Ember: Before you say it, no. Not sultry. More like pissed off.

Because they’re getting laid and you’re not?

Ember: I thought this country was supposed to have equal rights!

In terms of oral sex it certainly seems to.

Stephen: This doesn’t feel right. I think you need to get your tonsils removed.

Stephen: Why are we dressed again.
Erin: I don’t know.
Stephen: Why don’t you know.
Erin: I don’t know.

Stephen: -transforms his clothing into an assignment-

Stephen: I can’t wait to tell my instructor what happened to my homework.

Erin: So this is what it feels like. It’s kind of like pissing myself, only backwards.

Saying that in earshot of your dates is a surefire way to make sure that you never experience this ever again.

Erin: I can’t straighten up. I think you broke something.

Stephen: It’s been a long time since I played with that toy car…
Erin: Are you gonna help me or what?

Stephen: I’m no chiropractor, but I do know how to make the best of a bad situation!
Erin: You’ll pay for this if I ever walk upright again.

Stephen: As long as your rates are reasonable.

Ember: There’s never a slasher movie villain around when you need one…

Erin: I didn’t know you had a womrat!
Stephen: I don’t.
Erin: But… you have a womrat cage…
Stephen: Yeah, I rolled a Want to buy one.
Erin: But why isn’t there an actual womrat in it?
Stephen: Because our god is a very literal asshole.

Damn skippy.

Elise: Ally, there’s something I need to ask you.
Ember: Is it about fixing our TV?
Elise: I’ve been wanting to do this since the moment I met you.
Ember: Is it fixing our TV?

Elise: Will you gay marry me?!

Ally: I sure as heck gay will!

Aww. They’re so gay adorable.

I retract my previous statement.

Why the cocky face?

Erin: Do you need me to finish that joke for you?

Nah, I think we’re good.

What’re you doing?

Ember: Waiting for sex.

From who?

Ember: From ANYONE.

I’d pay extra for the Naked Chick Repair Squad, let me tell you.

Erin: I feel you down there. Stop trying to sneak seconds.
Stephen: But I’m not full yet!
Erin: Well I am.

Go Team Shampoo and Conditioner!

Ember: Oh thank SimChrist. Are you fuckers finally done?
Erin: We’re done being fuckers, anyway.
Ember: Well that’s your opinion.

Ember: I hope you saved some for me!
Stephen: Yeah, Erin’s half SimChinese. I’ll be ready to go again in about half an hour.

You’re not afraid of walking through the dark campus at night?

Erin: After all that sex I’m not even sure if I’d notice someone trying to rape me.

Stephen: Alright, that’s long enough. Time to resume the redhead marathon!

What a fucking terrible angle.

This image brought to you by Grugly, circa 2010.

Flowers seem a bit quaint after mutual oral sex.

Erin: EVERYTHING seems a bit quaint after mutual oral sex. But unlike mutual oral sex, at least flowers SMELL NICE.

It suddenly occurs to me that I might have accidentally been very cruel to Ally and Elise.

Ally: Fada soola GOR!
Elise: .oO(Please god don’t let her cheer with her mouth full.)

I thought it was about time she matched Ally.

Elise: I got here first! SHE should match ME, not the other way around!

Well, let me know next time you fight off a whole university full of zombies by yourself.

Ally: UH OH! I think I’m gonna do an awesome thing!

Ember: Woo! Look at that awesome thing!
Stephen: That awesome thing is such an awesome thing!

Ally: What an awesome thing that was!

WHAT JUST HAPPENED

Aww. What’s his name?

Stephen: Yep.

Huh?

Stephen: That’s his name.

What’s his name?

Stephen: You got it!

Do you think they’ll realize we did this old routine to avoid revealing that I’ve forgotten the womrat’s name?

Stephen: Only if you do something stupid like tell them straight out.

We should be good, then.

Stephen: Hey baby… you know what I’m in the mood for?
Ember: You know, honey, I think I just might…

Stephen and Ember: Fada soola GOR!

Just shoot me now.

Pretty sure I’ve yet to see a pair of Sims do this in a location where they could actually see the sky.

Stephen: That one looks like a freshly-scrubbed aquarium!

Stephen: And that one looks like a bathtub full of hot soapy water!

Ember: Are you saying I need a bath?
Stephen: My face is right inside your armpit. Yeah. I’m saying you need a bath.

Ally: What’s your problem?
Elise: I don’t wanna be a maid!
Ally: Then you need to brush up on your statistics. Go Google “maid deaths in Clover County” followed by “mascot deaths in Clover County.”

Huh. Apparently motherfuckers forgot about Kenya.

It’s hard not to, it’s such a pissant little country.

Kenya: I don’t know what you’re cooking, but it smells delicious!

Death smells delicious to you?

Kenya: Well, I am a zombie.

Point.

Ember: Stephen Alexander Murphy! Are you fucking around with the NPCs again?!

Stephen: I love the smell of charcoal in the afternoon. Smells like… charcoal.

Yup. Take a good long look. That’s what happens to boring people.

If there were a drinking game based on Sims ending up in the garbage in this journal… you would have been occasionally a bit tipsy several times over the last two years.

Kenya: Could you at least turn around and witness my shuffling off this mortal coil?
Elise: I could, but would that give me as much satisfaction as a macaroni face bath?

Stephen: I am furiously poking you with my mind.

Elise: Teehee! I think I can feel it!

Elise: Now I’m giving you a heart attack with my mind!
Stephen: OH GOD OH GOD MAKE HER STOP

These are the most passive-aggressive fightfaces I’ve ever seen.

Stephen: I CAN’T TAKE THE PRESSURE ANYMORE

What pressure, specifically?

Stephen: THE PRESSURE OF PROFESSIONAL SMILEFIGHTING

Ally: People using the bathroom are preventing me from using the bathroom.

And you know what’s even better? Without mods, she’d be looking at me and SCREAMING about it.

I really hope this is just a Young Adult thing.

Elise: This is Ally’s haircut. Are you trying to make us interchangeable in case you need to let one of us die?

Pff, no. I’m trying to make you interchangeable in case I want to make one of you die.

Time to tweak the ol’ Aspiration. Out with the old Stephen, in with the new!

Stephen: Remind me why we’re doing this again?

So you’ll be three bolts of chemistry with Ember and not interested in Abigail anymore.

Stephen: …what if I want to still be interested in Abigail?

Next time: back to boring street. Don’t worry, some of them will die soon.

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