The Pine Valley Chronicles, Chapter Forty-Nine

Welcome to the Pine Valley Chronicles, an ongoing neighbourhood story in The Sims 2!
Warning: this journal may contain uncensored nudity, violence, profanity and sexual themes.

Click Here for Previous Entries!

Well! Now that I’ve finally found a fucking workaround to get past the crashed front page of my porn image host, we’re ready to go again.

Last time in the Pine Valley Chronicles…

I really hope you’re reading these because I’m having a goddamn ball.


Daisy: Hi y’all! I’m Daisy, and welcome to our update o’ fun!

Poppy: Hey everybody! I’m Poppy, and this naked girl is my girlfriend, and that naked guy is WHY ARE YOU IN MY ROOM DUDE.

William: You were having lesbian sex in the room right next to me and you didn’t think to ask if I wanted to watch? Christ, how selfish can a person be?!

Brittany: I bet you’ve never been this close to a naked girl without having sex with her.
William: One step forward and I could sustain that record.

Poppy: You won’t let him turn her un-gay?

That’s a thing?

Poppy: In this game, yeah, it is.

Well, it looks to me like he’s doing a fine job keeping her gay all by himself.

Do you guys have to do everything naked? It takes me fucking forever to upload these pics to a separate host and then extract the HTML addresses.

Daisy: Do you have to explain everything in such flagrant nerd terminology? It takes me fucking forever to figure out what you’re talking about.

Brittany: You’re staring at my breasts.
William: You think I don’t know that?
Brittany: I meant “stop staring at my breasts.”
William: Why? You’re a lesbian, you don’t care.
Brittany: That’s… not how it works.

Leonard: Oh god. Oh god. I blacked out, and I killed a man. Okay. Okay. Calm down, Leonard. You’re a man on the run now. You need to melt your fingerprints with acid, go off the grid, and head for Simexico.

Dongsool Ajjanagadde (no, seriously): No! Bad dog! There’s a perfectly good mailman like right there!

Clay: Aww, Ariel wouldn’t bite me, would you, Ariel? Good dog!
Dongsool: Noooooo! My precious clichéd worldview! I can feel you melting away!

Ariel then proceeded to systematically roll over every single flower in the garden.

Stewart: YOU THINK YOUR GUARD DOG CAN STOP ME, DAISY?

Stewart: I SHALL HAVE MY REVENGE! AND THIS NEWSPAPER! IN REVERSE ORDER!

Man, did it just get hotter outside or what.

Abigail: STRUMPET!

That was a whole two updates ago. Get over it.

Abigail: My husband cheated on me right in front of my entire family!

It’s not cheating if it’s incest.

Abigail: Huhbuh?

Never mind.

Abigail: Even if that made sense, I’m pretty sure it would still be wrong.

It was nice of you to feed the dog.

Where are you going?

Poppy: To freak this prude out.

No evil plans today?

Daisy: This isn’t much fun for the couch, I can tell you that!

Poppy: Stop kicking our fucking trash, bitch!
Abigail: Do you even know who I am?
Poppy: Yeah, I know exactly who you are, and let me tell you something: nobody whose birthday was twenty-eight years before year one is still relevant enough to kick our fucking trash! Bitch!

Abigail: I make it a point to never argue with naked lesbians. See ya!

It’s easy to stick to your principles when you make them really weird and specific.

Ariel: Fuck dat bitch. All up in da hizzouse.

Ariel: Awww jeah, out trew da in-door.

Poppy: Can I play pirate too?
Daisy: Sure! You can be my first mate!
Poppy: Awesome!
Daisy: Yeah! Hey, first mate?
Poppy: Yar, boss?
Daisy: Why are you in the water, first mate? Oh no! You’ve just been eaten by a shark! I guess you’re dead.
Poppy: If you didn’t want me to play you could have just said so.

Daisy: I want to sit here. I want to sit here and play video games.
Poppy: I’d move, but apparently I’m dead.

Daisy: Blind fireplace run of SSX3 it is, then.

Daisy: Andrew? Andrew! I was wondering if you’d like to come over today! Yeah! No, it was a beautiful wedding, yeah, we all got home alright. Except Bradley, I think he got raped by a Bigfoot. See you soon!

Daisy: I’m so sorry you have to run, William!
William: I don’t!
Daisy: Yes, you do! Run! RUN!

William: Hey, Andrew! Long time no see!
Andrew: I hope your penis rots off.

William: Okay! That was short, but very graphic! Talk to you later!

William: It’s okay, Mr. Sparkles, you’ll be fine. Penis rot is an urban myth.

Andrew: I just saw William Sharpe! Why was he over here?
Daisy: Because I was telling him he is silly and dumb?
Andrew: Yes! It’s about time someone put him in his silly dumb place!

Andrew: By the way, the dress you wore at my wedding was spectacular.
Daisy: Really? I didn’t think you noticed!
Andrew: Even when I looked at you, screamed “OH MY GOD THAT DRESS,” and passed out?
Daisy: I thought maybe it was a euphemism!

Andrew: No, baby. When I make a euphemism, you’ll know it. You’ll know it all night long.
Daisy: Was that one?
Andrew: That was one, yeah.

Andrew: WHAT IS THAT
Daisy: Degentrification?

Poppy: Beard guy! Is that you? Come on down here!

Daisy: I could swear I had a beard guy with me just now.

Andrew: So?
Poppy: So what?
Andrew: So what did you want?
Poppy: I don’t know. I keep having this weird thing where I feel like I should want to talk to you or something.

Poppy: Like I’m attracted to you, except that you’re boring and gross and old-smelling and a dude.
Andrew: At least some of this should be staying in your head.

Andrew: But yeah, you’re pretty cute! You remind me of someone I used to know, I think, but I can’t for the life of me figure out who!
Poppy: If you figure it out, could you let me know? Because whoever it is, I think I used to be them.

Andrew: What? You think you used to be someone else?
Poppy: Yeah! I’ve got this weird jumble of memories, and Daisy’s been acting all funny when I ask her about it. Could you see if you can learn anything from her?
Andrew: I’ll search every nook and cranny!
Poppy: Of… like, of Daisy? As in, you’re going to have sex with her?
Andrew: PLEASE DON’T TELL MY WIFE

Andrew: She’s totally gonna tell my wife… 🙁

Andrew: …in which case, I might as well make the most of it.

Andrew: You know your big nose?

Andrew: Your big nose is so hot.

Daisy: Does this jacket come off?
Andrew: Is this shirt part of that vest?
Daisy: Why don’t we have modular clothing yet?

I’m working on it.

Andrew: DON’T EAT MY HAND
Daisy: Hehehehe… Chomp! Chomp!
Andrew: DON’T! My wife is an ex-zombie, I have nightmares like that.
Andrew: …and fetishes like that, but I don’t wanna talk about it.

William: Oh, Daisy… there’s nobody I’d rather ruin my marriage with.

William: Oh! Uh… hi, Abigail! About what happened at the wedding…
Abigail: There’s nothing to worry about, William! Nothing at all.
William: Really? It’s just that… I thought you might be… mad.
Abigail: Mad? Oh, my dear, sweet William, I thought you knew me better than that. I don’t get mad. I get mad science.

Daisy: So congratulations on tying the knot! I hope it works out for you guys!
Andrew: You do?
Daisy: No! But tell Cameron I said that. It might make her less suspicious.

HOW DOES THAT THING KEEP GENERATING GARBAGE

Andrew: Let’s see. Science… Daisy! Science… Daisy! Oh my god! You compare favourably to science!

She knows what a compliment that is, coming from him.

Andrew: What are you staring at?
Daisy: I’m making calculations.
Andrew: Awesome. Really? Awesome. What for?
Daisy: I think we can make, like, the best romantic pic ever.

Andrew: OOF! Little warning next time?
Daisy: Are you calling me fat?
Andrew: No! I’m calling your momentum fat.

Andrew: Is this it? Are we romantic and best now?
Daisy: Not yet. Wait for it… wait for it…

Daisy: Bingo.

Daisy: Aren’t I just adorable?

In the sense that credulous natives adore their volcano gods, yes.

Daisy: Mmmmmf. Mmmm. I’m gonna fuck you like an animal.

Daisy: But yeah! Congrats on that marriage!
Andrew: Stop doing that!

Daisy: It’s getting pretty late. You wanna, like, actually come into our house now?
Andrew: Isn’t your sister still here?
Daisy: Well, duh. We need someone to hold the video camera.

Daisy: Does your wife kiss you like this?
Andrew: Yeah.
Daisy: Oh.
Andrew: Sorry. I know how that was supposed to go, but you’re starting to piss me off.

I feel like I’m fighting against fate here.

Daisy: So, what would it take for you to be faithful to one woman?
Andrew: She would need to be the only woman in the world with tits.

Andrew: The door won’t close!
Daisy: Let them see!
Andrew: They might come in!
Daisy: Let them come!
Andrew: Not until I do!

Daisy: Hold on tight!
Andrew: I’m not gonna fall off!
Daisy: I’m more worried about you falling out.
Andrew: What? I’m a respectable six inches long!
Daisy: I know, I’m sorry, my perspective is all fucked up after William’s footschlong.
Andrew: Wait, what?

Andrew: Tell me I’m not getting William’s sloppy seconds.
Daisy: You should consider it an honour. As a general rule, once you go Sharpe, you never go stubby.

Abigail: DISCORD

Andrew: I THINK I HEAR MY MOTHER
Daisy: That’s some weird associations you’ve got going on there.

Poppy: Remember back in university, when you weren’t boring?

Poppy: Can you be not boring again for five minutes?

Door: -slams-
Andrew: Ohhmmff. Thank god. Mmm.

Sex in bed. How quaint.

Heheh.

Three catchers, but only one pitcher.

Heheh.

What?

Poppy: Fence.

So go around it.

Poppy: Kid.

So avoid the kid!

Poppy: Roaches.

So spray them! Christ, this isn’t “Paperboy,” get on with it!

Poppy: I’ve got green fumes, and the only cure is more green fumes!

Stewart: I’M MAD THAT YOU MADE MY STEPDAD CHEAT ON MY MOM

We’re talking about William “Cheating” Sharpe, right?

Poppy: Hi! I’m Poppy, Daisy’s sister.
Stewart: Hwuh naked.
Poppy: Yes. Anyway, there’s something I’d like you to see.

Stewart: What? What is this? This is a bedroom.

Stewart: Is that my brother?

And the moral of the story is: cheaters gonna cheat.

Sure! I’ll let you use that excuse.

Bradley! New house?

Bradley: You know it! Me and the missus weren’t using all that space, and really, the old mansion was not your finest hour.

Tell me about it.

Bradley: The missus, however, now that is a fine piece of work.

Enh.

She’s okay, I guess.

Lora: I can’t help being Maxis, it’s a genetic condition!

Unfortunately yeah. It certainly is.

So, heads up: I might not let you live long enough to have children.

Lora: I already had a sneaking suspicion.

Since Chelsea already took his old house, Bradley bought the one that used to belong to Victoria. It is now the world’s smallest mansion.

Lora: Can get babby from kissing?

No.

Don’t you love it when people tell you stories about things you were there for?

Bradley: And now, to activate my superhero powers! -grabs Lora’s ass-

Bradley: Pretty spiffy, huh?
Lora: You’re a superhero?!
Bradley: Well, kinda.
Lora: Kinda? You’re… an anti-hero?
Bradley: I’m a video game designer.
Lora: Oh, so “kinda” in this context means “not the fuck at all.”

Brooke: How am I not playable yet?

I’ll get to you soon! Just don’t get yourself eaten or axed in the meantime.

What could you possibly be researching? You’re never gonna get a job.

Lora: Lifelong Happiness.

Yeah, because your life is so hard right now.

Lora: Hey, I earned my happy ending!

You certainly did. You pissed and fainted your way to the top.

Oh my god! It’s pregnancy acceleration man! Don’t get caught in his squishy grimace!

Noooo! He got Lora!

I don’t know if I like this look any better.

You know what they say about putting lipstick on a townie.

Lora: I think that’s “lipstick on a pig.”

I was going to leave the insult implied, but okay.

I let you live so you could just sit around staring at the walls?

Lora: Actually I’m sort of in a state of shock. I was trapped in a basement for years, as a zombie, watching people drop like flies all around me!

Exactly! You’ve got tons of great party stories to tell!

Deborah: They’re not answering the doorbell.
Kendra: Maybe they saw your face.

Michael: Who lives here? I smell money.

Lora: Hey there. I’m Lora Price. What’s your name?
Michael: Michael Whittaker.
Lora: Lora Whittaker… Lora Whittaker… okay. Come on in.

Michael: Are these cushions gold?
Lora: Satin, I think.
Michael: Is that lampshade gold?
Lora: Looks like velvet to me.
Michael: Haven’t you got any gold?
Lora: That’s more than enough from the Donald Trump School of Interior Design, thank you very much.

Lora: In fact, just get out. I’m not feeling this.
Michael: Okay! Let me know if you get some gold!
Lora: That… will not happen.

Lora: ARGLEGARGLEGARGLE

Worst. Trophy wife. Ever.

Deborah: I’m sure she’ll be back out any moment now.
Kendra: I sure hope so, I find your company unbearable.
Deborah: Really?! Me too!

Lora: Why did you let me get married?! I wish I could reach up there and teach you a thing or two about the merits of percussive therapy!

Watch it. It’s no trouble at all for me to reach down there.

Lora: I’m a ROMANCE SIM! -munch munch munch- I SHOULDN’T HAVE A HUSBAND! -munch munch munch- I SHOULD HAVE BOYFRIENDS! -munch munch munch-

And I’m sure there’s lots of feeders out there who would love to have you.

I like that hair.

I shouldn’t be wasting it on you.

Taking a rest? It’s been a hard day, you’ve earned it.

Good day at work?

Bradley: We came up with a new stuff pack for The Sims 3. It’s Justin Bieber themed. What we did is, we took the retexturing tool that already comes with the game, and put Justin Bieber’s face on the cushions of like fifty couches and chairs.

GAME OF THE YEAR.

Bradley: Sooo, tell me about your day.

Lora: Met a dude, thought about fucking him, ate a sandwich, sat down here.

Who wouldn’t be turned on.

Bradley: Oh, Lora… I hope you don’t die, like my first wife.
Lora: How did your first wife die?
Bradley: That serial killer, like twenty years ago.
Lora: Oh, well, she’s dead too. No worries there.

Yup. No worries there…

Lora: Ugh, was that a garlic sandwich or what? I feel bloated as shit.

Lora: Oh no! I’m growing garlic in my stomach!

Lora: AND MY STOMACH IS COMING APART

Now that, that is a legitimate cause for worry.

Lora: False alarm, it fixed itself!

I am not particularly reassured.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHA WHAT.

Bradley: It was time for a change!

It is NEVER time for THAT change.

Bradley: I think it adds a certain sense of dignity.

Well I think it adds a certain sense of pedophility.

…which isn’t to say it doesn’t suit you.

Bradley: “I just had sex.”

Bradley: “I just had sex with my hot, hot wife.”

Bradley: “WELL WHY IS THERE A CHAT OPTION IF I’M NOT ALLOWED TO CHAT?” These online poker people are assholes.

Bradley: Now I’m not saying I’m not still a Pleasure Sim, but there is a certain amount of joy to be found in shameless materialism.

I hear you.

Bradley: Man, that thing really pulls the room together.

Shut the fuck up. You’re out of your element.

Bradley: I can smell her shampoo!

What’s it smell like?

Bradley: Urine.

Huh?

Bradley: Everything smells like urine now. I think my nasal passages are permanently fucked.

Lora: Your finger is coming out of my jugular.
Bradley: Are you sure it’s not your trachea?
Lora: The location isn’t the important part.

Lora: Well, our half of the update sucked. Should we send them off with a quick peep show?

Bradley and Lora: Nope!

Next time: holy balls! Chapter Fifty! That’s a lot of fucking chapters! It’ll be another one-household deal, but that doesn’t mean I’ll be skimping on the insanity. Count on a heaping helping, and don’t say I didn’t warn you.

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