The Pine Valley Chronicles, Chapter Forty-Seven

Welcome to the Pine Valley Chronicles, an ongoing neighbourhood story in The Sims 2!
Warning: this journal may contain uncensored nudity, violence, profanity and sexual themes.

Click Here for Previous Entries!

Okay, so I did mention last time that this one would be the Monster Update from Hell. It’s got nearly three hundred images, so it might be wise to have some food, drinks, and a bathroom to hand before you start. However, it’s also probably my favourite update ever, so hopefully you don’t resent the length too much.

Last time in the Pine Valley Chronicles…

I’ve had more than enough of those people for a while, how about you?


I’m a sentimental dude, and this is a pretty sentimental game, so I’m always pretty pissed off when one of my older household lots gets corrupted. The very first lot in Pine Valley, #1 Main Street West, the old Murphy home, has been sitting like a haunted mansion at the top of the street since 28 APV. It’s now 54 APV, over a quarter-century later, so I figured… hey, fuck your corruption. I’m rebuilding the lot.

One of my primary obstacles was myself, as is usually the case. I didn’t start backing up Pine Valley until long after the lot got corrupted, and my screenshotting skills were, as has been previously discussed, quite abysmal. So it took a lot of squinting at distant and poorly-framed pics to get a concrete sense of the original layout.

I set up a blank lot of the appropriate size right behind the old bugged-out house and started building from my not-horribly-helpful collection of reference pics, using the hollow neighbourhood shell of the original to fill the gaps in my memory. One done, I permanently deleted the original and moved the new version into its spot. Fucking game. Try being stable once in a while? Try not doing shit like this to me?

The one positive result is that I got to mess around with the old layout a bit.

Admittedly this house mostly consists of endless, featureless, cheerless hallways.

Like a real house.

This is the bedroom where Kyle, Andrew, Oliver, and Faith Murphy were all conceived.

Don’t tell Andrew. It’s his bedroom now. And that’s kinda icky.

Meet the new tenants! Similar to the old tenants.

Cameron: HOLY SHIT. I’m pregnant?

Yeah, sorry. The ghost of the old Murphy house does that to women.

Cameron: What? Seriously?!

No, you fucking moron. You’re carrying Andrew’s baby.

Cameron: Well I hope he can pay the freight charges.

Cameron: Mom! You won’t believe… this… is that Andrew’s dad I hear? Are you having sex right now with Andrew’s dad? Well… um… okay. Towel off and come over. We’re getting married. And yeah! I’m living in a haunted house with a rape ghost!


Cameron: A rape ghost who thinks rape is funny!

Andrew: Mom! Cameron and I just moved into our old… mom? Is that William I hear? Are you… are you having sex right now with William? Well… uh… towel off and come over. We’re getting married. And yeah! Don’t you fucking dare bring William.

Oh, classy move. Bring your filthy older boyfriend over.

Stephen: Where am I?

You are like fifty kinds of not invited.

Oh my god, impending migraine alert.

William: Hey, who turned the robot on?
Abigail: It wasn’t me.
FRIDAY: It sure wasn’t. -swoons-


Bradley: Hey, honey! I’m so proud of you!
Cameron: Even though I got all of us turned into zombies?

Give me one good reason I shouldn’t smite you right now.

Melanie: You’re afraid it won’t work.

You’re right, you know.

Melanie: STOP SPYING ON ME WITH YOUR TELESCOPE, you PERVERT. We’re not dating anymore! You’re a mad scientist, I’m Queen of the Zombies, it’s a different world now!
Andrew: You’re supposed to be trapped in an underground bunker. How could I possibly have been spying on you?

Because the game picks its telescope spying target by running down the list of townies and playables until it finds the lowest instance number for a living Sim.

And yes, that’s why your Sims are always getting yelled at by Mortimer Goth.

Cameron: Hey there! Long time no see!
Ember: I’ve missed you, Cammy!
Cameron: I was talking to Leonard, bitch.
Leonard: Who are you people?

Cameron: Oh, holy shit, mom! How come you’re not still dead?
Ember: Because William resurrected me to prevent Stephen from getting remarried to Abi-
WEDNESDAY: Why are you shouting?

Andrew: Hey, your sister’s here.
Cameron: Awesome! We hate each other. You talk to her.
Andrew: I think she hates me too.
Chelsea: I’m not the one who got my whole family killed, or the one who dumped his fiancé
for a blonde whore.

What’s that face for?

Leonard: I love the smell of drama in the morning.

Dude, there’s no drama going on.

Daisy: Hey William! Who’s this girl you’re with? I’m going to kiss you now.

Daisy: You gonna let go of my hand?
William: My wife is going to murder me as soon as this interaction ends. So, no.

Stephen: Still rocking the pothead professor look, eh? Way to be consistent.
Andrew: We can’t all die and come back as Johnny Depp.
Stephen: That joke is as outdated as your clothes. The only difference is, people liked that joke the first time.

I don’t recall that they did.

Abigail: In front of my ENTIRE FAMILY, William? Who is this bitch anyway?
William: It’s not my fault you won’t do blowjobs!


Daisy: What are these robots playing at?
Andrew: They’re helping me sneak a look at your ass.
Daisy: Heck, just ask next time.

Cameron: Man, Stephen is hot!
Chelsea: Ohmigod, Stephen is so hot!
Bradley: This is all just a bad dream.

Stephen: You did NOT just say that about my fiancé’s ass.

William: Thanks… FRIDAY… I didn’t want… children…

Alright, come on. Everyone into the hammerspace car.

There’s no way this is going to work.

Wow, it’s been a long time since we were here, eh?

Yeah, almost that long ago, in fact.

(I got rid of the silly clergy quarters to build a wedding memorial garden. Watch as I don’t follow through with it.)

Well, it’s not your traditional wedding attire, but to each her own.

Abigail: I’d love to stay, honey, but I have science to science.
Andrew: Are you going to science William?
Abigail: I’m going to abort his baby and turn myself into a teenager.
Andrew: I love you, mom.


Bradley: There’s nothing over there.
The Unsavoury Charlatan: Would you just look?
Bradley: Why? There’s nothing over there!
Geoffrey Miceli: I’ll look!
The Unsavoury Charlatan: You don’t even have a wallet.

Ember: I made that.

Not really. I turned what you made into that.

Why’d you come, anyway?

Daisy: To ruin William’s marriage.

Yeah, but why did you still come to the church?

Daisy: You know what they say about marriages: bet you can’t ruin just one!

Cameron: …what is your dad wearing?

Andrew: He’s wearing on my last nerve, that’s what he’s wearing.

Ember: Are you a friend of Andrew’s or Cameron’s?
Erin: I don’t remember. Where’s the bathroom? I’m about to piss myself.

Cameron: I promise to love-

Andrew: I promise to cherish-

Andrew: Let’s not invite your dad to anything else ever again, okay?

Andrew: Hey, the bones in this hand feel kinda funny.
Cameron: It’s not the bones. It’s the slowly-regrowing muscle. You try being a zombie for ten fucking years and see how long it takes you to recover.
Andrew: Yeah, no thanks.

Stephen: Yeah! Woo! Who the fuck is this dude beside me?

I feel for you, Bradley.

Bradley: Can you help me get them back?

I don’t feel that much for you, Bradley.

The Unsavoury Charlatan: Do you think they have wallets on the gift registry? This one’s all gross and old and I don’t want it.

Why are you looking so happy? You used to be engaged to Andrew.

Chelsea: Because cheating sex is way hotter than single sex.

Daisy: I agree.

Andrew: So, hey, wanna get married?
Cameron: Yeah, I guess so. While we’re already here and all.

Cameron: But no cheating on me.
Andrew: Awwww.

Daisy: Tongue, Andrew! Use your tongue! Like I showed you!
Stephen: Show me?
Daisy: Later!
Stephen: Okay!

The Unsavoury Charlatan: Fuck you, I’m not getting up.

Andrew: Most of these people never interact with each other.
Cameron: And most of them have severe social disorders.

Andrew: Why don’t we take them with us on our honeymoon?
Cameron: What could go wrong?!

Erin: Those walls aren’t really brick. It’s just wallpaper.

Stephen:holy shit.

Bradley: Goddamn suit blarg

That’s what happens when you spend your entire life naked.

Andrew: You’re firm on this whole “no cheating” thing…?

Ember: Stop holding an invisible plate?

Andrew: Right. Cameron has a sack for all the cutlery, I brought suitcases for the icons and candelabras, and I think dad’s outside trying to lever the stained-glass windows out. Let’s do this, people!

Andrew: Everyone into the airplane.
Ember: That’s a taxi.
Andrew: Don’t be stupid, it has a little picture of a plane on it and everything.

Cameron: Well, mom? You coming?
Ember: You want me to go to Three Lakes? In this dress?
Bradley: You can go naked if you want.
Stephen: Bradley makes an excellent point! Also, stay away from my fiancé.

Gonna wear that to the mountains, are you?

Stephen: I was hoping she’d go for the “naked” thing. Now I’m fucked.

What’s got you so smug?

Bradley: Exploding wallet.

The Unsavoury Charlatan: Pardon me. We’ll continue this later. I think my ass just exploded?

Not coming?

Erin: I shouldn’t even be out of the university subhood. If I go on vacation the whole game might die.

Goddamn beautiful redheads.

Chelsea: I’m not a natural redhead, you know.

Yeah, and you’re not naturally beautiful either, but I wasn’t gonna bring it up.

Stephen: Hey Bradley! Is that your boyfriend? Maybe the four of us can go on a double date some time!
Bradley: Hey Stephen! Hey Stephen! Fuck you, Stephen!
The Unsavoury Charlatan: So that’s a “no” then?

Chelsea: Operation: Wicked Stepsister engaged!
Erin: Is that where you fuck your sister’s husband?
Chelsea: Did the exposed panties tip you off?

Oh, come on. You too?

Daisy: These people all together in the fucking woods? I wanna be there when the smoke clears.

To create more smoke?

Daisy: Gunsmoke, yeah.

Jennifer Oates: Welp, here we are!
Cameron: Hey, aren’t you one of the cab drivers from back home in Pine Valley?
Jennifer: Yep!
Cameron: And you’re… on vacation here, and driving to pick up some extra cash?
Jennifer: Nope! This is on my route!
Cameron: THREE LAKES is on your route from PINE VALLEY?
Jennifer: Is there a problem?

Andrew: Well, I guess we need to let everybody out of the trunk now.

Ember: Mm, smell that beautiful sylvan air! It reminds me of the time I left my husband and fucked Stephen silly on the beach for three days straight.

Bradley: You what.

Stephen: Behave yourself, Bradley. She’s mine now.
Bradley: Do I have to die to get a hot new wife?
Stephen: I smell an experiment coming on!

Chelsea: So… mom. About Stephen…
Ember: Yes, you can fuck him.
Chelsea: I love you, mom.

Cameron: What the FUCK. Are you two TOGETHER? That’s fucking WRONG. You’re my mom, and he’s Andrew’s dad, and my dad is right over there!

Yeah, welcome to Pine Valley.

Cameron: We’re in Three Lakes.

METAPHORICALLY welcome to Pine Valley.


Ember: Our children are all grown up, Stephen…
Stephen: Yeah… especially your children.
Ember: Yes, you can fuck them.
Stephen: I love you, Ember.
Cameron: I’M MARRIED


Andrew: Anyway, dad, I’m glad to see you and Ember are happy together.
Stephen: That’s very gracious of you, son.
Andrew: This way you won’t keep ruining mom’s life by cheating on her.
Cameron: Oh, burn!
Tour Guide: .oO(I want to swallow the pregnant one.)

Ember and Cameron: Fada soola gor!
Stephen: Is that hot or what.

Ember and Cameron: Gerbitz! Gerbitz! Vohhhhhh GERBITZ!
Cameron: I’m still totally pissed at you, though.

Stephen and Andrew: Fada soola gor!
Cameron: It’s just creepy when you guys do it.

Stephen and Andrew: Gerbitz! Gerbitz! Vohhhhhh GERBITZ!
Stephen: I’m still totally gonna hit on your wife, though.

Daisy: Oh, gosh! I’m just a defenceless young girl who’s never thrown an axe before! Please, won’t some big strong strappin’ male come show me how it’s done?

This is the entire reason you came, isn’t it.

Daisy: Yep.

Daisy: I’ve gotta admit, though, having an inanimate target is kinda novel.

Not suspicious at all.

Chelsea: It’s not what you think!

Andrew: That was pretty hot!
Cameron: How I stood up for my man?
Andrew: No, how you started a sibling catfight. That’s one fantasy I can check off the list.

Ember: You need to take it slower, Chelsea. Build up a relationship with him, hang out at his house at night after she goes to bed, use his bathtub, dance in his kitchen, THEN shamelessly play grabass with him in front of her.


You sure this is a good idea?

Cameron: We’re in the mountains, it’s not considered foreign food.

I mean, are you sure it’s a good idea to leave Andrew alone with your sister?

Yeah. Sure. “Don’t mind us, we’re just Family Kissing. Because we’re totally family now. Later we thought we might Family WooHoo. You want in on a Family Threesome?”


Cameron: Hey, hubby! I can feel the child you gave me kicking in my womb!
Chelsea: Fuck off, Cameron!

Bradley: I’m so lonely
Andrew: Please don’t
Bradley: Just let me touch you
Andrew: Please don’t

Ember: Oh, Stephen. Our love will never die-
Ember: -as long as we stay true to each other. What? What was that?
Cameron: Nothing, bitch.

Ember: It was good seeing you again, Bradley.

Ember: I’m set for another thirty years now.
Bradley: -Best Friends-

Bradley: Your HONEYMOON? How about MY LIFE? I’m stuck with a fucking NPC, of all things, and my daughters won’t talk to me, and your dad is FUCKING MY WIFE!
Ember: I’m not your wife anymore, Bradley!
Bradley: The fuck you aren’t! Check your relationship panel!

Cameron: Aww, dad! I didn’t know you missed us!
Chelsea: NOW I’M MAD TOO

Ember: Shh, Bradley.
Chelsea: Oh my god, Cammy! Mom and dad are totally kissing right behind you! This is awesome!
Cameron: It sounds a whole hell of a lot better than what I’m seeing.

Bradley: Hey stupid baby face!
Cameron: They can’t see you.
Bradley: Hey stupid blind baby face!

Andrew and Chelsea: Fada soola gor!
Bradley: If you cheat on my daughter with my daughter again I swear to god I will kill you.

Cameron: Look, I’m really sorry. It’s just taking me a long time to get used to you dating my mom.
Daisy: Did anybody see the axe throwing range? Somebody TOTALLY hit the bullseye like a MILLION times.

He wants to Meet Bigfoot. Great. Time to tear up the foreign soil again…

Chelsea: These flowers smell amazing!
Stephen: Yeah? Let me crawl over to your cleavage and smell them!
Andrew: Hey, awesome! I got a rock!
Stephen: Really?! Let me see!

Bradley: I don’t design naked video games!

Chelsea: Hey, aren’t you Daisy White? Didn’t you just get your own TV show?
Daisy: Yeah.
Chelsea: Ohmygod! You’re a celebrity! Guess what?
Daisy: What.
Chelsea: I’m a celebrity too!
Daisy: Great.

Ember: Why are you sniffing my ass?
Stephen: Why wouldn’t I be sniffing your ass?

Jesus, Bradley…


You have a funny idea of what “unwinding” is.

Chelsea: Fuck this, I’m walking home.

From Three Lakes.

Chelsea: Yep.

To Pine Valley.

Chelsea: Yep.


Ember: We’re engaged, you know. You don’t have to sneak up on me if you want to make out.

Ember: Wanna fuck in the flowers?
Stephen: Do you even need to ask?!

Stephen: Oh, look out. Here comes Captain Pine-Fresh. By which I mean he pines. And he’s a superhero. Whose power is pining. For you. Fresh.
Bradley: And you’re engaged to this guy?

Bradley: So there we were, trapped in the basement.

Bradley: Randy had just pissed himself and passed out.

Bradley: That’s when he died.
Stephen: I’m going home.

Bradley: Good party.
Ember: You ruin everything you touch, Bradley.
Bradley: It’s a gift.
Stephen: I didn’t see that on the registry.
Ember: We got them a battered old wallet, it was on there.

“Your Sim is a moron! Rumour has it that he’s afraid of doing things he’s asked you to let him do.”

Amin Bigfoot: Man. I could totally go for a shit in the woods right now.

Andrew: Hand! Shake! Handshake! Hello! Me Andrew!
Amin: Well, unless you’re a toilet, Andrew, I guess I don’t give a shit.

Andrew: I’m a tourist from Wallawallock State. A little place called Pine Valley. Maybe you’ve heard of it?
Amin: Oh yeah, because I get basic cable out here in the wilderness. I’ve totally heard of your pissant little town.

Amin: Seriously? That big? How does the game even handle that many community lots?
Andrew: It’s fucking terrible, let me tell you. Crashes like ten times a night.

Yeah, that’s right. The best way to make friends with the natives is to distract them while you steal their shit.

Amin: So, is that foxy little vixen still waitressing at the Niche? She and I used to paint the town red, I tell you what.

Andrew: …have you been fucking with me this whole time?

Roasting marshmallows?

Cameron: Dowsing for water!

Amin: Oh, so you’re a bigshot university graduate, eh? Do they teach you how to fight bears with your bare hands at university?
Andrew: If you go in for Doctor of Unarmed Bearfighting, yeah. But the program requirements are a bitch.

Andrew: They make you bring your own bear.

Andrew: You got, like, a Fresca or something? I’m parched.
Amin: I have a lake.
Andrew: Is that bigfoot-speak for Fresca?

Amin: And then the building basically exploded, and Wilson and Foreman were like “Noooooooo” but then during the funeral
Andrew: Yeah, I saw it too. Like weeks ago.
Amin: Well excuse me for not keeping up to date with television in my fucking log cabin in the fucking woods in the fucking middle of fucking nowhere.
Andrew: It was an awesome finale, though, yeah.
Amin: Like, so good.

Cameron: No, a baby. Like… a little person, in my chest, who forces their way out through my vagina.

Yeah, totally.

Cameron: No, but it’s okay really! They come out all covered in goo, and then they suck milk out of my breasts to stay alive!

Amin: I will pay you to never mention this again.

I bet this turns out to be somewhere in Pine Valley.

Cameron: Are you sure about this? I bet it’s really unhealthy.
Andrew: So what? You’re already fat.
Cameron: I’m not fat, I’m pregnant.
Andrew: Call it what you like, thunderthighs, pork chops won’t make much difference.

Hey honey. What’s your name?

Local Chef: Local Chef.

What… what ethnicity is that?

Local Chef: NPC.

Damn. I want me some mountain food.

Okay, now what the fuck do you think you’re doing?

Alvin Zarubin: I’m an art installation. I’m called “improbable.”

What is it with Alvins?

Kampol Johnson: You got a purdy mouth.

Cameron: Electro Dance Sphere townie!
Andrew: Ahahahahahah!

Inside Jokes.

Cameron: I never thought to mention this, but I really love that beard.

Andrew: And the beard really loves you!
Cameron: So that’s why it’s always tickling me.
Andrew: No, that’s because you make me go down on-
Cameron: THAT WAS THE JOKE. You’re wrecking it.

Andrew: I always thought you were cuter than your sister.
Cameron: Aww!
Andrew: Well, it’s not a huge compliment. Your sister’s face is totally fake. She used to look like a bag full of elbows.

Andrew: But yeah, you’re hot like a Bunsen Burner, baby.

Local Chef: Just because I’m not a real Sim doesn’t mean I want to see this shit, guys.

Cameron: It all worked out in the end, didn’t it?

Not really. Like a hundred people died, and a lot of them were your fault.

Cameron: Well, but it all worked out for me in the end.

That’s the important thing.

Cameron: …this is the end, right? Now that everything’s perfect?

No comment.

Andrew and Cameron: Fada soola gor!
Local Chef: Christ, are they doing that again.

Andrew and Cameron: Gerbitz! Gerbitz! Vohhhhhh GERBITZ!

That’s it, no more university ever again.

Cameron: Hey, you know what? Maybe I spoke too soon about that cheating thing.
Andrew: That is a teenager.
Cameron: That is a sex machine, is what that is.

We’re going to have to agree that you’re wrong.

Cameron: I think you mean “agree to disagree.”

Wrong again!

Cameron: I’ll be good. Please don’t ruin my life for shits and giggles.

Sorry baby. Prose before hos.

Although I’ll admit, I can’t see you losers with anyone else.

Cameron: Whose tent is that?
Andrew: It’s about to be ours.
Cameron: How’s that?
Andrew: Nobody else will want it once we’re done.

Zoe: Oh, awesome! My tent hovers now!

Get off there! That food is for people.

Cameron: Shouldn’t we try to win over Bigfoot again before we leave?
Andrew: I hear they rape women.
Cameron: I hear that’s gorillas, and I hear that’s wrong.

If they didn’t try to have sex with Jane Goodall, then all women are safe.

Yes, even old and wrinkly Jane Goodall.

British accents.

Andrew: Somehow I didn’t picture you fishing with a pole.
Amin: Why? Because you white monkeys are the only ones who can use tools?
Andrew: No, because you look like a Hillbilly Handfishin’ sort of dude.

Andrew: That’s amazing! Holy shit! What a huge fish! Are you, like, the king of fishing? Are you the kingfisher? Do you have a throne made of fish?

Amin: How did you know I was fishing for compliments?
Andrew: I live with a woman.

Cameron: Whoa! I’ve never caught a fish before!
Amin: You’re within my Master Fisherman Aura.
Cameron: Is that a real thing?
Amin: Do you believe it’s a real thing? If so, let me tell you about my Women Want to Have Sex with Amin Bigfoot Aura.

Amin: -Tarzan yell-
Andrew: Really? Because that looks like a fluffy panda chair in the corner there.

Andrew: Biiiiiiigfoooooot! BIIIIIIIIGFOOOOOOOOOOOOT! Come over here!
Amin: The fuck? We’re in the same room! How did you get that interaction?

Andrew: Wanna do a hearty mountain dance?
Amin: Can we talk about the stock market instead?

Cameron: I caught a universe!

Gonna mount it or eat it?

Andrew: Yeah, my last vacation was to Takemizu Village.
Amin: .oO(This dude is loaded.)

Cameron: Andrew? Honey?
Andrew: Yes, dear?
Cameron: I’m in Needs Failure.
Andrew: What, again?
Cameron: I’m pregnant.
Andrew: What, still?

Amin: I think I feel an absurd image coming on!

I guess you were right.

I’m surprised that “Dance like a Dipshit” is a Want instead of a Fear.

Tour Guide: .oO(Get in my belly, babymaker.)

I’m not sure I want to know how that happened.

At least it’s not an isolated incident?

…please tell me you’re not going to go do yoga behind the building.

Stacy Rusewicz: MOMMMMMMMMMM!

Andrew: Christ, are you dying or something?
Cameron: You’d think she’d seen a pedophile.
Jess Walter: Why is that fat chick naked?!

Cameron: Am I wearing something of yours?
Jess: …probably not?

Cameron: Sure, serve the townies first why don’t you. Never mind the STARVING NAKED PREGNANT WOMAN.
Local Chef: I was trying not to mind you, yeah. But you make it so difficult.

Stacy: Hey, aren’t you that guy who killed all those zombies?
Andrew: No, I’m the guy who actually cured most of them.
Stacy: Right. I thought your penis looked too small.

That is entirely enough of that.

Andrew: What? No, that’s Cecilia. Daisy is someone entirely different. Get your facts straight.

Stacy: Oh no! They got you too?!

Coming soon: the Nudist Apocalypse.

Man, I bet you can’t serial kill for shit.

Andrew: Hey, remember that fight I won?!
Cameron: No.
Andrew: Oh.

Andrew: Well, remember that Best Friend I had?!
Cameron: No.
Andrew: Oh.

Those must not be your dad’s binoculars. He could only see impossible birds.

Then again, you seem to be seeing invisible birds.

Andrew: .oO(Do Bigfoots make good wedding presents?)

Andrew: Hey, have this wrapped box!
Amin: What’s in it?
Andrew: Nothing. It’s a wrapped box. You play with it.
Amin: Oh boy! You’re thinking of cats, or maybe babies.
Andrew: I don’t understand the problem.

Amin: I can think of a better present.

Amin: So, your wife is pretty cute.
Andrew: You should see her with grey skin.

Andrew: So, um… are you always this… excited?
Amin: Life is exciting!
Andrew: Not… that kind of exciting. At least… not all the time.
Amin: Oh, that. Yeah. Bigfoots orgasm for months at a time. I’m still coming down from last week.
Andrew: Well. Please don’t tell Cameron.

Tour Guide: Enjoy your hiking trip, you succulent, succulent morsel!

Andrew: How about next time we just adopt.
Cameron: How about.


Mountain people find a lot of things funny.

Tour Guide: I will give you three dead babies for the plump one.

Tour Guide: Well I thought it was a good deal!


It doesn’t matter what I choose.

I should lose a logic skill point for agreeing to play along.

Years later, EA would build an entire game based on this concept of substituting lousy text bubbles for actual gameplay.

You might have heard of it.

It’s called The Sims 3.

Tiffany: I can’t believe you dug a hole here! What kind of thieving bitch are you?!

Pictured: four future cast members.

It’s not worth going into right now.

Fuuuuuck. You’d better hope that what happens in Three Lakes stays in Three Lakes.

Andrew: I don’t know these people! Why are we dancing?

Because dancing!

Andrew: Okay!

Cameron: Well, that’s about all the happiness I can stand for now.

Easily remedied.

Andrew: Man. First chance I get, I’m fucking another baby into her.

Where does this dialogue come from…

No, really. What the fuck is wrong with me?

Cameron: Oh god. Keep driving. Maybe he hasn’t seen us yet.

Cameron: Dude. Why was your dad in our house?
Andrew: Technically it’s his house.
Cameron: Technically BULLSHIT. He DIED. The law is pretty clear about the property rights of DEAD PEOPLE.

Amin: Hi Andrew! Hi Cameron! I’m coming to live with you!
Stephen: Why don’t you come and live with me, you sexy, hairy mama?
Amin: Dude, I’m… I’m a dude, dude. Also I’m a Bigfoot. A Bigfoot dude.
Stephen: Oh. I thought you were an Italian chick.

I guess I’m gonna be uploading a lot more pics to my porn hosts from now on.

And maybe putting some new disclaimers at the beginning.

Oh yeah. Amin’s a Fortune Sim with the LTW to become a Space Pirate.

Yeah. That’s right. Space Pirate Bigfoot.

Read ’em and weep.

read ’em and weep! That’s a perfect tagline for the Chronicles!

Andrew: There, is that better? Is there anything else I can get you? Anything at all?
Cameron: I’m not attracted to Bigfoot.
Andrew: Oh, thank god.

“And they wish you’d quit that.”

Andrew: Hi! I’m Andrew. And you are…?
Penny: Strangely attracted to you.
Andrew: I’m glad you said it first.

Andrew: Holy fucking shit. You let me get married to Cameron when this chick was living right across the street?

Like being married will stop you.

Penny: So, you’re probably the bravest man I’ve ever met.
Andrew: If this is a beard joke, save it. I’ve heard them all.
Penny: Oh, challenge so accepted.

Amin: Facebook stock? Yeah, right. Only a moron would buy that.

Penny: I think I need to call my broker.

Cameron: What are you doing?
Andrew: Reminding myself.
Cameron: Is it working?
Andrew: I think so. Maybe. Could you try lathering your breasts slowly with your eyes closed?
Cameron: No.
Andrew: God, your bloody-mindedness is so hot.

Tommy the Witness Protection Program Gnome: First person to get this entire joke gets an undefined prize!

Hey, I needed a new contest.

Andrew: Look, just one time, okay, and then I promise to be faithful!
Cameron: You already promised to be faithful. Remember? Big ceremony? Lots of people in fancy clothes?
Andrew: Aw, but come on! I never got a bachelor party! She’s right behind me, isn’t she.
Cameron: A bit to the right, but yeah.
Andrew: My right or your right?
Cameron: My right. Your left.
Andrew: Okay.

Penny: Hey, Mrs. Price-Murphy! Wow! Your skin is really glowing! Pregnancy suits you.

Cameron: I like her!
Andrew: Awesome!
Cameron: You’re married to me.
Andrew: Awesome.


Penny: Hos before Cros, buddy!

There are… five bathrooms in this house.

Andrew: I must say, you’ve got a lovely olive complexion, Penny.
Cameron: You must not say it again.
Andrew: My boss says I can’t flirt with you.
Penny: It’s cool. I’m used to submissive men.

Amin: What? What? I can’t hear you. Come through the door.

Prof. Mehrissa: You thought you could hide from me, did you?

Prof. Mehrissa: We meet again, Tommy the Witness Gnome!
Tommy the Witness Protection Gnome: I’m sorry! I was a different gnome back then! I had less words in my name!

I really need to stop this, it’s barely even funny to me.

Penny: Hey! You can’t just walk into someone else’s house!
Prof. Mehrissa: What do you care? It’s not your house.
Penny: Not yet.

I’d complain that he’s using all their food, but… he’s using all their food to make serving platters of lobster fucking thermidor.


Amin: You sure you want to fuck with a future Space Pirate?

I’m not worried. I know a chick who takes care of Space Pirates for a living.

Cameron: It was nice of you to come over for our housewarming, Penny.
Penny: Oh, is that what I’m doing? I thought I was flirting with your husband and eating your food.
Cameron: Yes, well… my rage is warming the house, so it works anyway.

Prof. Mehrissa: Next time we meet, Tommy, you won’t have your precious fountain grass bodyguards to defend you!

Penny: Thanks for the announcement?

Penny: How come this room is empty?

That’s Kyle’s room.

Penny: So? What happened to him?

Bad sunburn.

Andrew: I have no idea who you are. Get out of my house?
Prof. Mehrissa: Sounds reasonable.
Penny: Well argued!

Andrew: So yeah, congrats on being such a stone-cold superfox!

Penny: Why do I always fall for people with social disorders?
Andrew: It’s all for the best. There are two kinds of people in this neighbourhood: people with social disorders, and people with axes in their foreheads.

Penny: Hey, no. You’re not rubbing my back. Your wife is upstairs.
Andrew: You’re worried about hurting her? You just met her!
Penny: No, I’m worried about her hurting me! Pregnant bitches are nuts.

Penny: But yeah, any time you’re looking for some stress relief, sneak on over. I’ll just tell my boyfriend you’re the vagina repairman.

Andrew: Cammy?
Cameron: What.
Andrew: I wanna have sex.
Cameron: I hope you find someone nice.

Cameron: Bigfoot was dating the garbage cult waitresses?!

Cameron: The sheet is stuck!
Andrew: I can’t get it up!
Cameron: That’s more of a medical problem.
Andrew: I meant I can’t get the sheet up.
Cameron: Oh, so we’re not gonna talk about your impotence?

“Bigfoot’s coworkers secretly hate him because of his enormous brown penis. They sent him home with this stupid tiny bonsai tree because they are bad at expressing emotions.”

You know what, maybe I might actually watch sports if they had more Bigfoots.

Probably not, but maybe.

Look, don’t get a big head about it.

You’ll strain your big feet.

How do you like your new room? I made it look like your log cabin.

Amin: Because I wasn’t totally sick of that log cabin by now.

Good thing! 😀

Amin: A leaf motif? Really? Why not put some tribal art on the walls and feed me human babies while you’re at it?

I might do the baby thing. There’s a mod for that.

Amin: My bathroom-

-has a leaf motif too. Yes. God. Get over it.

Well aren’t you just a bunch of world fuckin’ travelers.

Cameron: Look at him sleeping there, so peaceful and serene.

Tits can have that effect.

Andrew: Sleep well?
Cameron: There was this low rattling sound in the ceiling.
Andrew: Oh, yeah. That’s Kyle.
Cameron: Like, your dead vampire brother Kyle?
Andrew: Yeah, he turned to dust in one of the bathrooms and we’ve never been able to get it all out of the vents.
Cameron: Home, sweet home.

Holy SHIT. We’re DONE. I thought it would never end. Next time: the woman who started all the madness returns. Don’t know who that is? Well, nobody’s stopping you from reading the first chapters. You lazy shits.

I love you. Bonus pics!

Say goodbye, girls.

That’s naked for “goodbye.”

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