Welcome to the Pine Valley Chronicles, an ongoing neighbourhood story in The Sims 2!
Warning: this journal may contain uncensored nudity, violence, profanity and sexual themes.
Yep, it was yet another one of those “sigh” updates. I refuse to release substandard material to my adoring fans, so I waited patiently for the muse to arrive.
She didn’t, but then I realized I don’t have any adoring fans, so I threw this shit together and uploaded it.
Last time in the Pine Valley Chronicles…
Yeah, I killed off the old newspaper and replaced it with a much better one.
Now, guess what?
Did you guess “boring people?” Well, if you did, then… fuck you.
But you’re right.
This week on Pajama Job Search…
Jerome: Can you at least tell me what job I got?
Jerome: You knew you were doing a journal by this point! Why the hell do your records still suck?
My records are awesome.
For Sims that I care about.
Could you at least PRETEND to be trapped in a basement?
Melanie: You don’t dictate terms to the singularity, buddy.
Oh. I guess I do have screenshots. Oh well. Too late to go back and change it, that was a whole two captions ago.
Bugging busy people with trivial crap: charisma.
…actually, yeah. Totally.
Jerome: Except it’s not the right career.
That’s what happens when I get five totally random choices from a list of twenty-eight careers every day. Have some fucking patience.
Jerome: It was amazing, Penny! I totally did some squeezing, and there was some embroiling, and sign language, and she thanked me, and I’m more engaging now!
Penny: He’s been reading chance cards again…
How long have you been waiting out there? It was daylight when you came over!
Penny: Apparently it’s too much to ask to get abducted by aliens or struck by a rogue meteorite.
Jerome: Penny? Is that you? It’s been so long since I invited you over, I’ve forgotten what you look like!
Penny: Jerome? Is that you? It’s so dark out here, all I can see is your teeth!
Jerome: Everything looks so romantic in the moonlight, Penny…
Penny: Is he about to propose to me? Look in his Wants panel and tell me if he’s about to propose to me.
What, and give you a chance to run away?
Jerome: Penny, look out! There’s a mosquito on your lips! I’d better smash it with my own lips before it sucks out all your lip blood!
Penny: Are you off your medication again?
Jerome: I’m not on any medication!
Penny: I was talking to the person writing your dialogue.
I’m not on any medication!
Penny: Well maybe you should be.
Jerome: Oh my god! She’s kissing my hand!
Jerome: .oO(Oh my god! She kissed my hand!)
Penny: Are you gonna say something or what?
Jerome: .oO(Oh my GOD! She KISSED my HAND!)
Penny: You’re asking me to marry you? I think! That’s awesome! Say something?
Penny: Fine, I accept. I can get it annulled later, if I want, since you NEVER REALLY ASKED ME.
Penny: Oh, Jerome! It’s so easy to love you when you’re mute!
Jerome: .oO(It worked!)
Penny: Is this… did you carve our initials into the bedframe?
Jerome: No, it came like that. I’ve been looking for someone with your initials ever since. It’s fate!
Penny: It’s graffiti.
Jerome: It’s graf-fate-i!
Jerome: So, hey… as long as we’re already in bed together…
Penny: You don’t think I’ve had enough trauma for one night?
Jerome: What are you thinking about?
Penny: Ember Fox.
Jerome: That’s so sweet! You’re thinking about how her love for Stephen Murphy lasted beyond the grave, like our love will!
Penny: Close. I’m thinking about how she got out of her horribly mis-matched marriage by dying, and then got resurrected to live with a much hotter dude with a much bigger penis.
Jerome: …I think I heard her old husband had the bigger penis, actually.
Penny: Yeah, no, sorry. I was actually thinking about you and me there, briefly.
Jerome: Baby, it’s not the size of the boat, it’s the motion of the ocean!
Penny: I bet whoever first said that had a minimum boat size in mind, though.
Jerome: Be happy with what you’ve got. The Sim dudes in most people’s games don’t even have penises.
Penny: I’m not even sure you have one. It could easily be just a trick of the light.
Penny: I mean, have you considered herbal supplemmmfffg. Mfffgb. Mmf! Ummffgbb.
Little known fact: men invented kissing to shut women up.
Penny: You’re not half-bad, Jerome.
Jerome: Meaning that I’m just barely more than half-good?
Penny: Hey, if you want to automate the insult process, I’m game!
Jerome: It’s not really that small.
It’s supposed to be. I’m not sure where Crammyboy got his sense of how long an inch is, but I suspect magnifying glasses were involved.
Penny: Mm. What’reyou.
Jerome: Concealing my shame.
Jerome: Mind if I snuggle up?
Penny: Sure. At least I don’t need to worry about morning wood.
Jerome: Decades of penis jokes.
Penny: If you didn’t like it, you shouldn’t have put a ring on it.
Penny: All he gets is the news channel? Ugh. Even his TELEVISION is lame.
“According to officials in the Centreborough Police Department, a council member’s administrative assistant was found dead in her office yesterday evening after meeting with a crazed axe murderer masquerading as a reporter.”
Penny: Looks like Captain Charisma’s getting a promotion today.
Ember’s old grave. Kind of pisses me off that I went to some extra trouble to spruce it all up, and then some asshole resurrects her.
Said asshole being me.
The new graveyard is here! The new graveyard is here!
Mostly because the old graveyard bugged out, but also because HOLY SHIT I had a lot of dead zombies to bury.
Deborah: You’ve spoken too soon! I’ve got a damned exciting day planned!
Deborah: I’m gonna get a job that has never existed…
Deborah: Scrub this counter…
Deborah: Eat this macaroni…
Deborah: And go to work!
I stand vindicated.
Have a good time getting paid to do something they usually just make one of the teachers do?
That’s not a promotion! In fact, that’s not even a job!
Deborah: You said it yourself: twenty-eight careers. That’s two hundred and eighty positions, not counting the teen/elder ones. Some of them were bound to be bullshit.
Deborah: Lucas? Deborah. Hated character pity party at my place? Awesome.
Lucas: I have come for the hatefuck pooty party.
Deborah: I’ve been thinking, and we need to find a way to get into the spotlight because he usually kills off characters he thinks are too boring.
Lucas: But what is in this for Lucas Perez?
Deborah: You’re right beside me on the chopping block, dude!
Lucas: I have become so delightfully fascinating that it has looped back around to boring?! Curse the limitations of SimMathematics!
Maybe my standards are too high, but I don’t see what’s so “good” about a date where your partner is fantasizing about kissing someone else.
Deborah: I cast the enormous head curse on you!
Lucas: Begone, you demons of perspective!
Lucas: Smooches for pretty ladies!
Deborah: You’re not a very consistent, well-thought-out character.
Of course he isn’t. I’m not wasting my time on someone who dies.
I don’t know what you’re talking about.
Now I really don’t know what you’re talking about.
Deborah: Lucas and I understand each other.
Lucas: I do not understand you. But sex, sex I understand.
Lucas: UNNNNNNNNGH HUG BONER
Deborah: Well then stop… flexing it against my crotch!
Lucas: Hug boner is not BAD thing!
Deborah: Sure, but wouldn’t you rather flex it inside my crotch?
Lucas: What does “Slow Dance” have to do with our sexing?
Deborah: Date Wants. They generally progress from “tickle” to “dirty joke” to “kiss” to “slow dance” to “make out” to “WooHoo.” I’m sorry if I just took the mystery out of the rest of the evening.
Lucas: No, no, is no problem. Was not listening.
Deborah: So, how do you like my sexy face?
Lucas: Needs more my penis in it.
Lucas: Fat woman joke?
Done too many of them.
Can’t think of any.
Lucas: Space-taking conversation between you and I?
Looks like it.
Deborah: YOUR CHIN TASTES AWESOME
Deborah: I can’t tell where your stubble stops and your moles begin.
Lucas: There are scabs as well.
Deborah: Ugh. What is that taste?
Lucas: I was chewing bubblegum.
Deborah: No, man, it… it tastes like shit.
Lucas: I also was chewing shit.
Deborah: Hello? What? Jerome. Jerome? Why are you calling me?
Deborah: I’m hanging up now, Jerome. I’m going to go back to making out with Lucas now, Jerome. What? Lucas. Yes, that Lucas. No, he swears he’s been tested. Goodbye, Jerome.
Lucas: What did the black man want?
Deborah: To talk about silly black man stuff, probably.
Lucas and Deborah: -Best Friends-
Lucas: Oh chiquita, this is so hot!
Deborah: You feel it too?!
Lucas: Of course I feel it too. Why did you not turn off the stove when you finished with it?
Lucas: Ha ha. Sex in a bed. How Chapter Two of you.
You’re not cute, you’re boring, I don’t care.
Deborah: Look at us, WooHooing and being interesting!
Pff. How would you like to die? Guns, axes, or zombies?
Lucas: Axes and zombies!
You got it, champ.
I think this means they’re rubbing their asses together.
Lucas: I am going home now.
Deborah: You’re leaving your penis here if you try.
Deborah: Oh great SimChrist. So this is what “Coyote Ugly” means.
Deborah: Maybe if I’m super duper quiet he won’t wake up and I can flee the country.
Lucas: Whatever you are saying about fleas, they are not mine.
Lucas: I weep for you, sperm of mine. Your valiant charge down this woman’s barren sex tubes will be long remembered.
Deborah: WHY DID YOU LET US DO THIS
BECAUSE I REGRET MAKING YOU
Lucas: My penis apparently does not share our mutual aversion.
Deborah: What a coincidence… your penis is the only thing that still looks good the morning after.
Lucas: What is this thing you are doing.
Deborah: Um… oral sex?
Lucas: And I am the perverted one?
Deborah: Where’s the camera?
Lucas: I do not want to tell you.
Lucas: I would prefer that you make no sudden movements whilst my penis is in the heretofore gentle care of your razor-sharp teeth.
Deborah: So, unflattering angle on my ass.
Lucas: It is hard to flatter your ass. Poop comes out there.
Deborah: Is this any better?
Lucas: It is more flattering to my penis.
Deborah: Wow, that must be one hell of a camera angle.
Lucas: For one hell of a penis!
Well? Signing up for a grease extraction program?
You cannot be serious.
Lucas: Dancing with the chiquitas, showing them my sexy Latin moves… Lucas Perez will become master of the mattress mambo.
Daisy: Oh, Lucas… such poise, such grace…
Daisy: And such a gentleman, too!
Lucas: I DO IT ALL FOR THE VAGINAS
Irfan: Damn Mexicans, taking our jobs.
Daisy: Damn Mexicans, stealing my HEAAARRRRRRT
You’re really slipping, Cecilia.
Daisy: Slipping in LOOOOO-
Oh, they make you wear clothes at work? Well we can’t have that.
You’re supposed to be picturing your audience naked. This way, this way isn’t going to make you feel more comfortable.
Lucas: My breeze-wafted balls beg to differ.
A double shot of Lucas’ balls for all the pretty ladies who want them.
Well, that might just be the shortest chapter since the very first one, but I pretty much do have to stop here because the next household will dominate Chapter Forty-Seven, which I have dubbed the Monster Update from Hell.
So, next time: the Monster Update from Hell.