The Pine Valley Chronicles, Chapter Forty-Five

Welcome to the Pine Valley Chronicles, an ongoing neighbourhood story in The Sims 2!
Warning: this journal may contain uncensored nudity, violence, profanity and sexual themes.

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Sorry for the wait, this was another one of those stare-at-every-picture-until-a-joke-finally-suggests-itself chapters. Fucking new guys.

Last time in the Pine Valley Chronicles…

Well, the secret’s out. Simlili recognized the newspaper from SimCity 2000. It seemed like an appropriate source, you know? Anyway, she’s got a Sim with her name on it coming sometime far in the future as a reward for actually having played good games in the past. The rest of you, be ashamed. In your own time. I’ll wait.

Speaking of time, I finally got around to going through my entire chronology and figuring out a timeline. As a result, we’ve got a dating system now! Not, like, a system for having dates. Or creating dates, like… the kind you eat. I mean dates, like, to mark time with. You know. You probably already knew. Look, shut up, okay? Fuck. Anyway. Welcome to 54 APV (Anno Pine Valley)!

Holy shit. Fifty-four years already.

It seems longer.

Penny: Remind me why I’m doing this again.

Because 1) you have §107 in the bank, and 2) your Lifetime Want is to top the Law Enforcement career.

Penny: No, I get that. I mean why am I letting you photograph me in my nightgown?

Because the graveyards are full of Sims who displeased me.

Penny: But yeah, this is silly too. There’s what, two dozen careers in this game now? The odds of the one I want cycling up are pretty much crap.

But sometimes you can find a nugget buried in that crap!

Usually a nugget of corn, but yeah.

Penny: I’M DATING WAY BELOW MY STATION

I know. I’m sorry.

But life expectancies around here are pretty short, and there’s no way I’m letting you die without breeding first.

Penny: And he’s got this stupid sweater, I mean really stupid, and his face is all hapless-gorilla like… and if I said that to him he’d be all like “Oh nice job calling the black dude a gorilla” like there’s any kind of racism on SimEarth at all, and he’s clumsy and stupid and dull and…

Brooke: BUY A GOLDFISH. TELL IT TO YOUR GOLDFISH. I AM NOT YOUR GOLDFISH O.O

Getting in shape for your Academy training?

Penny: No. He’s a nerd, right? Nerds like fat chicks, right? I’m hoping Fitness is his Turn-Off.

I’m surprised he doesn’t turn you off.

Penny: There’s no option for “gormless coward” or “infuriatingly milquetoast.”

Careful. Knowing words like “milquetoast” is one of my Turn-Ons.

And there’s nothing hotter than a sweaty chick in an athletic outfit.

I stand cataclysmically corrected.

Opal: I wouldn’t even be offended if I swung that way, buddy.

Penny: Alright, Dorky McChocolatePants, let’s get this over with. But don’t cancel any afternoon plans you might have.

Penny: Look, would you be satisfied with a child out of wedlock? I just don’t think I can spend the rest of my life with this dude.

Your happiness is subordinate to my need for humour.

Penny: -SULTRY-

Save it for Jerome.

Penny: No way. I’m trying to get it out of my system before he gets here.

Sandy: Garrrrbaaaaaagge…

Goes on floor now?

Sandy: For the garbaaaaage goddddddd…

Jerome: I didn’t know Penny had a dog.

Penny: Jerome! Get in here already.
Jerome: It’s a beautiful day, let’s just sit out here on the grass!
Penny: I have a counterproposal. You sit out there on the grass, and I’ll compose a stirring and beautiful eulogy for you.

Penny: I’ve gotta admit, you were pretty brave to stand up to that zombie out there!
Jerome: I don’t wanna talk about your dog. I hate it when people dress them up in silly clothes like they’re people.

Penny: Your naïveté is oddly charming.
Jerome: SHE’S TOUCHING ME SHE’S TOUCHING ME SHE’S TOUCHING ME 😀
Penny: I take it back.

Jerome: Are you even wearing anything under there?
Penny: Just a padlocked pair of iron underpants, in case I have a moment of weakness and make poor decisions with you tonight.

Penny: You’re just like a big cuddly teddy bear.
Jerome: Aww, thanks!
Penny: Teddy bears can’t talk.

Penny: Adorable angle deployed!
Jerome: WHY IS THAT ANGLE SO ADORABLE?!

Penny: No tongue.
Jerome: Just the tip! Just to see how it feels!
Penny: HOW DO YOU KEEP DOING THAT

Tenacity trumps talent every time.

Jerome: This is kinda squishy and gross.
Penny: We can stop if you want.
Jerome: NO

Penny: Oh god, I’m going to be riding on your pocket rocket before nightfall at this rate…
Jerome: I dunno, I don’t think I’m licensed to carry passengers…

Penny: Look. Jerome. I want to make this clear. You’re pretty lame.
Jerome: And you’re just pretty.
Penny: See, that right there. That was lame. And terribly timed.

Penny: And so ROMANTIC OH MY GOD
Jerome: Can we go back to kissing? It’s just that you’re heavier than you look.
Penny: Aaaaand back to lame.

Penny: Man, you’re like… ten shades darker than I am. I wonder what our kids would look like.

Hot. Incredibly, ridiculously hot.

Penny: Huh? How would you know?

Um… just… guessing?

Penny: Well, Jerome, looks like we’re predestined. Guess I’ll have to settle for you.
Jerome: There’s no-one I’d rather plunge into a decades-long free-fall of regret and resentment with!

Ha! They think they have decades.

Penny: Ha! He thinks we can’t hear him.
Jerome: Ha! Why are we laughing?

Jerome: You’re so bendy! Do you work out? I love it when chicks work out!
Penny: Figures.

Penny: Sheesh, have I got something of yours on my uvula?
Jerome: Are you complaining?
Penny: I’m not complaining!

Jerome: Ahahahaha! That tickles!
Penny: Your wallet is ticklish?
Jerome: It’s a condition.

Penny: Are you thinking what I’m thinking?
Jerome: I sure hope so!

Jerome: I’m glad she knew I had to take a dump.

Brooke: Just so we’re clear, then: five bucks a minute for hearing your stupid boyfriend stories, plus ten bucks extra every time I yawn.

Lightbulb: -is in love-

Jerome: What did we do just now?
Penny: Something so disgustingly cutesy the camera jerked upwards in protest.

Penny: So what say we slip into something a little more… photogenic?

Jerome: HOLY COW YOUR CHEST BUMPS HAVE BUTTONS

Penny: They sure do, and I’ll let you push them if you let me pull your lever.

Penny: …that’s not a pocket rocket. That’s barely even a bottle rocket.

Penny: Let me know when you’re in. You know… on the unbelievably tiny chance I don’t notice.

Jerome: Are you mad about something?
Penny: Of course not. My mother always told me not to sweat the small stuff.

Jerome: I feel like you’re probably not going to let this go.
Penny: At least you can feel something.

Jerome: You’re smiling, so it can’t be all bad.
Penny: I’m just picturing your awkward ass as this chapter’s title pic.

Jerome: You wouldn’t do that, would you?

Penny: Well, at least you try, Jerome. That’s more than most men can say.
Jerome: Thanks, Penny.
Penny: Even if your penis is way below average.
Jerome: Thanks, Penny.

Jerome: I had sex!
Lamp: You did not!
Jerome: I can talk to lamps!
Table: You can not!

Penny: At least you’ll never have that awkward hug erection problem. I know for a fact that you’re balls-to-the-wall and I still can’t feel the damn thing down there.
Jerome: Can we go back to making fun of my personality?

Penny: I’ve gotta go oppress the public on behalf of the rich. Try not to burn the place down while I’m gone.
Jerome: You trust me alone in your house?
Penny: I trust I’ll be able to get my cop buddies to break your legs if you touch anything.
Jerome: I like a trusting girlfriend.

Penny: Don’t take all the penis jokes too seriously, Jerome. Statistically, you’re not THAT small.

Penny: For a white dude.

Penny: Tell me he wasn’t standing there the whole time I was at work.

Ask me no questions and I’ll tell you no lies.

She’s well on her way to tasing students at a university demonstration.

Penny: Kiss of excessive force!

Jerome: Kiss of civil disobedience!

Jerome: We’re weird.
Penny: Yeah, but we’re good at it.

Penny: I wonder if you’re allowed a trial separation after two dates…

Michael: Look, I’ll take an entry-level position, but only until I get enough money to start my own business.

Michael: Not that one. NOT that one.

-click-

Michael: YOU’LL PAY FOR THIS.

Michael: Hey. Hey buddy. The trailer park is that way.

This is your carpool.

Michael: This is you’re SHITTING ME.

Michael: Well, that wasn’t so bad. Got promoted to Lab Assistant.

When do they assign you your self-satisfied attitude and superiority complex?

Michael: They said I could just use the ones I already have.

Philip Beckett, Zombie Zombie Hunter: His trench coat glistening in the rain-soaked blackness, he leaps into action!
Michael: His Asperger’s properly medicated, his internal monologue remains internal!

Michael: I don’t want to be a scientist. Why am I playing chess by myself?

Because it’s easier than finding someone who wants to play chess with you.

Michael: No, I’m calling bullshit.

Michael: Hey! Hey, bullshit! I mean, hey Deborah! Yeah! Wanna come over and jump on my junk? It’s only five bucks a pop! Although it might pop a few times, it’s not as long as I’d like it to be.

How’s it feel to be a bona-fide lab assistant?

Michael: How’s it feel to be a bona-fide asshole?

Shitty.

Michael: Heh heh.

Michael: Dude, she’s never gonna be a main character.

You’re right, you know.

Deborah: I thought you’d never call!
Michael: So did I, I meant to call bullshit. But your numbers are very similar, and you picked up before I could hang up.

Michael: I think we should see different people. While we’re seeing each other. What I’m saying is I want to practice on you until I meet my future wife.

Bitches love that.

One surgically-placed passing automobile and my boring Popularity Sim problems would be over.

Deborah: What big, beautiful, sparkling eyes you have!
Michael: What a big nose you have!
Deborah: What? What the fuck?
Michael: We’re not doing “Red Riding Hood”?

Deborah: This doesn’t feel right.
Michael: Yeah, I blame you.

Michael: Well well well, look who’s the sexiest woman on this deserted stretch of sidewalk!
Deborah: If you have to make your compliments that specific they’re not really compliments at all.

Michael: Not bad, for your first kiss.
Deborah: This isn’t my first kiss.
Michael: Don’t be stupid.

Michael: I hope you don’t expect me to entertain you.

Deborah: I need a chair!

But that would encourage you to stay!

Deborah: Hey, Michael! Wanna have a game?
Michael: Sure. Do you know the “Quiet Game”?
Deborah: I was asking you to play chess with me.
Michael: And I was asking you to shut the fuck up.

Deborah: I’ve seen maximum-security prisoners carve more convincing chess sets out of soapstone.

Yeah, we all have. It’s like the most popular movie in history.

Kissing her goodnight?

Michael: Trying to suffocate her unconscious so I can go the fuck to bed.

Find anything that suits your many and varied talents yet?

Whoah, whoah, careful there. Don’t stretch yourself!

…because nobody likes a stretched-

Kendra: I AM NOT A PROSTITUTE!

Kendra: Hey Michael! Wanna go on a date?
Michael: Why would I do that when I could be raking in dough hand over fist at work instead?
Kendra: Because my assets are worth twenty thousand simoleons and I’ll sign them all over to you if we end up getting married.

Kendra: I always figured the wallet was a faster route to a man’s heart than the stomach.
Michael: Hey, I wouldn’t turn down free food either.

One of the great mysteries of Sim dating is the dancing-to-no-music ritual.

Michael: So, I brought the pre-nup papers…
Kendra: Don’t ruin the mood or I’ll de-nup you.
Michael: I don’t even know what that could mean.
Kendra: I bet you’re terrified anyway.
Michael: Yes.

Michael: Your hair is so thick and silky-smooth, like a well-groomed dog’s.
Kendra: It’s amazing how fast your sentences turn.

Kendra: So, you about ready to put your creamy filling between my tight Oreo wafers?
Michael: It’s so hot that you came up with that metaphor but it’s such a disgusting metaphor and I guess what I’m saying is I’M SO CONFUSED.

Michael: Anticipatory, sure, but still confused.

Kendra: Let me relieve some of that tension for you.
Michael: This is probably a bad time to mention my master-slave fetish.
Kendra: I’m black, and you’re white. There would probably never be a good time.

Michael: I think my finger is stuck in your ass.
Kendra: I expected that, but not like this.

Michael: Is that gold filigree?
Kendra: Yeah.
Michael: I think I’m in love.

Kendra: Are you staring at my breasts?
Michael: No, I’m staring at your gold filigree.
Kendra: I think I’m in love.

Kendra: Check out these goods!
Michael: Are they taxed?
Kendra: Yeah, but it’s a goods and services tax.
Michael: Are the services deductible?
Kendra: No, but they’re delectable.

Michael: Can I interest you in a lollipop, little girl?
Kendra: I don’t take candy from strangers.
Michael: I’m not a stranger.
Kendra: Well, I don’t know what could possibly be stranger than a dude who uses pedophilia jokes in foreplay.

Kendra: All this talking is making me feel faint… I think I’m going to fall down… I hope there’s a stubby little white penis on the floor to break my fall…
Michael: I don’t know who told you words like “break” go well with words like “penis” but they were lying to you.

Michael: And it is not stubby OH MY GOD YES

Kendra: Your plumbbob is showing!
Michael: It’s rude to stare!

Kendra: This is just like one of those kiddie rides at the mall!

Kendra: …are you sure you’re in?

Michael: I CAN SEE FOREVER

Michael: Were you chewing gum?
Kendra: Yeah, why?
Michael: Because I’m chewing gum now.
Kendra: Got carried away, sorry.

Kendra: I dunno. Can I compare models before I commit to this one?

Kendra: Hey! It does kinda taste like a lollipop!

Kendra: I’m not sure I’m comfortable with doggy style after your comment about my hair earlier.
Michael: Is it still doggy style when we’re standing up? This is, like… Great Dane style.

Kendra: Are you blocking me out of the pic?
Michael: If they want the money shot, they can pay the subscription fee.

Michael: GIANT CRAB MATING STANCE :O
Kendra: Could you not?

Michael: It’s so hot how your hair frames your breasts!
Kendra: I’m quite proud of the effect, yes.
Michael: Because nipples are gross. If I wanted milk I’d get it out of a carton thank you very much.
Kendra: Like you’d pay for something you can get for free.
Michael: Okay, good point. Do I have to get you pregnant to get the milk flowing? And how do you feel about selling to supermarkets?
Kendra: I hope you get this all out of your system before the sex endorphins wear off and you start seeming creepy to me again.

Michael: Theoretically, if I have sex with you once an hour, could I exploit this glandular emotional attachment indefinitely?
Kendra: If you have sex with me once an hour, I really will have to start charging you.
Michael: Fine with me, I can write it off as a business expense.

Michael: Who did these animations? You’re floating up and down, and my penis is getting bent like nobody’s business.
Kendra: Custom content, whaddaya want.

Kendra: We’re giving the neighbours quite a show, aren’t we?
Michael: Their lots aren’t loaded, they can’t see us.
Kendra: Why do you hate immersion?

Kendra: FACESMASH :O
Michael: Could you not?

Kendra: I hope our kids have your eyes.
Michael: Me too.
Kendra: You’re supposed to pick an element of my appearance you’d want our kids to have.
Michael: Nothing comes to mind.
Kendra: And suddenly our kids become absurdly theoretical.

Kendra: Why are we still doing this outside?
Michael: Because I turn the heat off at night. It’s like a fucking freezer in there right now.

Kendra: I can’t believe I’m saying this, but I miss the bathroom linoleum. These wooden slats are giving me welts.
Michael: I’m still not clear about why we have to have sex on the ground all the time.

Because I hadn’t figured out how do anything more sophisticated at this point.

It’s too bad SimGoogleEarth doesn’t do satellite images at night.

Kendra: Suck all you like, nothing’s coming out.
Michael: I’m beginning to doubt your commitment to Whittaker’s Farm-Fresh Milk Co.

This is the only interesting thing that’s been on the news in a long time.

Get it? On the news? Because the newspaper’s under there?

No?

Alright.

Kendra: That can’t be good for your back.
Michael: If I were you, I’d be more worried about my legs getting stuck open like that. Then again, in your chosen profess-
Kendra: STILL NOT A PROSTITUTE.

How am I gonna tell you apart from Alvin Woodrow with that haircut?

Michael: I’ll be the one having sex with women. He’ll be the one having sex with SCIENCE. And by science, I mean his RIGHT HAND.

There, obscenity quota reached. We can stop now.

Michael: I’m melting down that gold filigree when she’s not looking.

Don’t worry, things will pick up for these folks eventually. If you were around for the first few chapters, you’ll know what I mean.

Next time: the other three newsers. No, my beating heart! Be still! Be still!

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