The Pine Valley Chronicles, Chapter Forty-Four

Welcome to the Pine Valley Chronicles, an ongoing neighbourhood story in The Sims 2!
Warning: this journal may contain uncensored nudity, violence, profanity and sexual themes.

Click Here for Previous Entries!

Fair warning: this is the largest update I’ve ever posted. It’s freaking HUGE. And it’s UNIVERSITY, so that’s like a double whammy.

Last time in the Pine Valley Chronicles…

Slow news week.

Alright, buddy boy. Time to grow up. Again.

Stephen: Technically I never aged up to Adult. I was created that way.

Technically shut up.

Stephen: Tight jeans and cowboy boots? Really?

I’ve seen worse, believe me.

Stephen: No dude, that’s awesome! Now all the chicks know my package is huge and all the dudes know I’m ready for some shitkickin’!

I’m happy you’re happy.

But there’s no way you’re happy.

Ember: Oh my god, Stephen is so dreamy!
Rishell: Great, more mouth-breathing first-years. Time to get out the arsenic.

Pretty pleased with this turn of events?

Ember: Beats being dead.

Tell me that after what amounts to thirty years of university.

Fucking game.

Ember: I’m gonna kiss Stephen and love Stephen and marry Stephen…
Tracy: NOT IF I DESTROY YOU FIRST.

She was walking up those stairs pretty slowly.

Stephen: Gonna marry that hot redhead behind me!
Brooke Royce: Have you been drinking?

Nice. It suits you.

Speaking of suits, revenge of the ominous background lurkers!

Va va voom. Going for the sexy, sexy artiste look, are we?

Ember: I can’t help it if I’m gorgeous.

And I wouldn’t want you to.

I mean, damn.

DAMN.

What’re you so happy about?

Stephen: I’m gonna propose to Ember!

So you are.

And whoah. WHOAH. She wants you to? Did she hit her head on the earth’s mantle on her way up out of the afterlife?

He’s not singing, he’s screaming. He just thrust his right hand through a solid wooden post.

He thrust his fist against the post and still insists he saw the ghost.

Stephen: Observe, fair lady! Nothing in my hands!

Ember: Your stupid magic tricks are so adorable…

Stephen: Are you ready? Are you ready for the shocking reveal?
Ember: It’s gradually becoming less adorable, but yes. Yes I am.

Stephen: Tada! An invitation to let me own half of your stuff!

Ember: There’s no-one I’d rather go through a painful divorce with!

Aww.

It’s a shame they don’t make girls like that in the real world.

Stephen: In the real world she’d be dead from hypothermia by now.

It’s so strange to see a Romance Sim get Aspiration Points from receiving a marriage proposal.

I’m taking it as a sign.

…scratch that. I’m taking her request for me to find a second person for her to fuck as a sign.

Stephen: Hmm. If she wants to bang other dudes, she’ll probably let me bang other chicks

Yes, because people never have double standards.

Stephen: Hey hey hey! I’d like to double her standards!

That’s pure nonsense.

Stephen: I’d like to pure… her… nonsense?

Stephen: No, seriously though honey, let me move my stuff in and you can help me break in the bed.
Erin: I should warn you that I tend to piss myself in public a lot.
Stephen: What I’m hearing is that you’re a totally unremarkable university student.

Stephen: But I bet she’s pretty remarkable in bed!
Ember: Are you still on about that redhead? I haven’t given you permission to play the field yet, you know.
Julie Wendland: Oh ho! I smell a fight!
Stephen: Oh ho! I smell a yeast infection! Seriously, bitch, head over to the campus clinic.

Ember: THIS DOOR REMINDS ME THAT MY HOUSE GOT BROKEN INTO A THOUSAND FUCKING YEARS AGO.

Fine, then take this one instead.

Ember: This one reminds me that some bitch put an axe in my head a few years ago.

I can live with that.

Ember: I sure couldn’t.

Since they’ll be sharing a bed anyway, I’ve had their rooms connected. Stephen’s is going to be their study.

Ember’s is going to be where they study each other.

Stephen’s put together a pretty weird collection of shit over the years. My favourite is that rock he got.

Stephen: I got a rock!

Christ, wait until I get you two before you ask for three, okay?

Ember: I can provide for myself, thank you very much.

Yeah, but the quality of your provisions is somewhat lacking.

Ember: What happened, Anthony? Did you get old or something?
Anthony: We can’t all get axes to the head and come back as beauty queens.

Anthony: Welp, gotta get this herd of cattle up to Montana.
Ember: You’re still not a cowboy, Anthony.

Ember: But I’m willing to go cowgirl, if it’ll make you feel better.

Anthony: Why is everyone staring at us?
Ember: Because they’re soulless automatons.
Anthony: Riiiight, university, I forgot.

Anthony: I think I’m just gonna mosey on down that dusty trail, m’darlin’.
Ember: Whatever. You’re old and gross now anyway.

Ember: Let’s see… oh, hi! Hello! Is number sixteen home? Well… I dunno, I just call him “number sixteen.” What? Because he’s the sixteenth one. THE SIXTEENTH ONE I HAD SEX WITH. Don’t get judgmental on me, bitch, “WooHoo with Twenty Sims” is a LEGITIMATE LIFETIME WANT. Look it up.

Ember: Oh my god! You didn’t get old!
Venkat: Yeah, being stuck as a static image is something to celebrate. It’s not at all a living, unending psycho-philosophical nightmare.

Venkat: You’re gonna ask me to leave as soon as we fall in love, aren’t you?

Ember: I’m already looking forward to it.

Ember: Welp, see you later.

Stephen: So, giving the little black book a workout?
Ember: You’re not jealous, are you?
Stephen: Hell no! As long as I get to have sex with whoever I want to.
Ember: More or less, but I get a veto.
Stephen: Why do you get a veto?
Ember: Because I don’t want you forcing anyone’s residual genital juices into my pristine love canal if I don’t approve of them.
Stephen: I… might never have sex again, now.

Man, you can’t even pretend to take your eyes off him.

Ember: I’m checking for bald spots, actually. It’s never too early to plan for divorce.

It looks like Stephen’s thinking the same thing…

Oh, come ON. Both of your old marriages SUCKED. Abigail spent all her time in the basement and Bradley spent all his time JUMPING ON THE COUCH.

I hate those couples that have to do everything together.

Even adulterous phone calls.

Aiyana: Dude. What does HE need a matchmaker for?

Ember called you, actually.

Aiyana: Ember PRICE?

Yeah, used to be.

Aiyana: AND YOU THINK THAT’S MORE REASONABLE?

Stephen: My fiancé would like to purchase a Love Potion 8.5, please!
Aiyana: Why?
Stephen: To make her more attractive.
Aiyana: Why?
Stephen: Just give me the damn potion.

Stephen: Well, here you go. Still not sure it’ll convince Bradley to cheat on his new wife with you. I hear she’s a freak in the sack.
Ember: Nah, she drank the cure. Now she’s an ex-freak in the sack, and that’s no fun for anybody.

Abigail: This is a terrible idea.

So why are you doing it?

Abigail: I feel like there’s a certain point, in a relationship, where if somebody calls and asks to see you, you kind of have to suck it up and do it.

And what would that point be?

Abigail: I can’t define it precisely, but “ex-husband who gave you eight children and has just come back from the dead” is at least a little bit past it.

Avri: You don’t need that potion, baby. I love you just the way you are.
Ember: The feeling is mutual. I love you somewhere I can’t see you, so I can pretend you don’t exist.

Jealous much, Ember?

Ember: Well, he was married to her.

Yeah, and even then you could have him whenever you wanted him.

Ember: That was before she saved the world.

Pff, like that shit matters.

Stephen: Look. Tracy. I unlocked my dorm room door so my ex-wife could come in and talk to me. We could use a little privacy.
Tracy: You have a bed? I wish I had a bed.

Tracy: Dude’s got a bed in there.
Everyone: Really? Let’s go see.

Stephen: Look. Tracy. If you won’t let us hang out in my bedroom, can you at least get out of the lounge? I just wanna have sex with Abigail.

Abigail: You just wanna what? I’m married, you revolting man-whore! Do you think you’re so irresistible that I’ll dump my husband and forget you’re engaged to the chick you used to cheat on me with? You’re ridiculous.

Stephen: This is entirely your fault, Tracy.

Stephen: So… I’ve heard rumours…
Abigail: Ten inches.
Stephen: Jesus Christ.

Stephen: Well… I wish you both happiness.
Abigail: No you don’t.
Stephen: No, I don’t. But we can pretend.

Abigail: Take care of yourself, Stephen.

Stephen: Can do!

Stephen: Bradley not returning your calls?
Ember: Turns out he’s old and gross too.
Stephen: What a tool.

Stephen and Ember:

Stephen: I TAUGHT EIGHT CHILDREN HOW TO SHIT PROPERLY.

Ember: You’re a bit out of practice on your pillow-talk, honey.
Stephen: I didn’t hear you complaining.
Ember: Nobody could have heard anything over how loudly you were screaming Abigail’s name the whole time.
Stephen: Um, duh? That’s my new pet name for you.

Stephen: Dude, thanks for letting me come back.

I don’t get thanks for the redheaded sex goddess too?

Stephen: Oh, well for that there simply are no words.
Ember: I expect you to come up with some. Your goddess demands praise.

Stephen: Ember?
Ember: Mm?
Stephen: You aren’t going to… um… experiment on me in my sleep, are you?
Ember: Is that a fetish or a fear?
Stephen: It’s kinda both. I was married to her for a long time.

Stephen: Rise and shine, sexypants! I wonder what the new day has in store?

Nothing new.

Stephen: Look out! Coming through! Beverly’s gross!

Shenene Suwankiri: Holy shit, what is that smell?
Avri: Morning Shenene. Morning, Beverly, you’ve got a lovely bouquet today.

Beverly: Yay! Free shower!

Look, I get it. You’re happy to be alive again. Sex isn’t going out of style or anything, okay? Take your fucking time.

…you know what, never mind. Every second you spend not having hot sweaty sex is a terrible, terrible waste.

“I want my dead zombie son to go to university.”

It still wouldn’t be the stupidest thing that’s happened.

DON’T CALL FRIDAY EVER AGAIN 😐

Oh, so it’s not Ember you like.

It’s sluts.

Carry on.

Why do adults get this thought bubble? Anyone?

Jess: Fada soola gor!
Rishell: Whatever.

Beverly: Hey, Ember! Lookin’ hot!

Ember: Awesome! I can go back to bed now.

I’m still proud of that face.

Ladies and gentlemen, undefeated zombie-fighting cheerleader Ally Ternynck!

Ally: Hey, pleased to meet you! I’m undefeated zombie-fighting cheerleader Ally Ternynck!
Ember: I think I might have heard that somewhere.

Ember: I’m newly-resurrected rock goddess and legendary lover Ember Fox!

Ally: NOBODY ASKED.

Tracy: I have a best friend.
Ember: No, you don’t.
Tracy: Well, I could.
Ember: No, you couldn’t.

Ember: I’ve kissed twenty-two people.
Tracy: That’s not fair, you’re a playable.
Ally: Fada soola gor!
Ember: OH NOT THAT SHIT AGAIN

Tracy: I have a life-sized model of Roy Orbison sitting at a desk in a business suit.
Ember: Well now THAT’s impressive!

Avri: Notice anything… different?
Ember: Shouldn’t you be on the floor?
Avri: Huh?
Ember: I hear garbage goes on floor now.

Yep, definitely sluts.

Ember: You getting this?

Yup.

Ember: Do I look as adorable as I think I do?

Yup.

Stephen: We’re a match made in heaven, baby.
Ember: Then heaven is a hell of a lot sexier than I thought it would be.

Amin: Hoo-whee! That new girl is hot!
Jasmine: I’m so pumped in the distance!

Julie: Holy shit, is that Johnny Depp?

Well. You look… prepared.

Ember: I’m so glad you let us do stuff like this now!
Stephen: Ahhahahaha, keep talking. That feels ridiculous.

I never noticed how well your hair colours coordinate before.

Stephen: You’re the only person looking at that right now.

It must be the Argyle sweater. Chicks love Argyle sweaters.

Ember: It’s in spite of the Argyle sweater. That thing is a piece of safety equipment. If he wasn’t wearing an Argyle sweater we’d just keep fucking until we died of fluid loss.

Déjà vu.

Stephen: This shit is so weird. I don’t even get it. Sex is when you jump under the covers, and the bed bounces, and there’s sparks and shit, and sometimes your legs or hands peek out, and then you cuddle a bit and fall asleep. When did you install this new stuff?

Shortly before people started liking this journal.

There is a correlation.

Ember: Wanna see a magic trick?

I already am. Making sluttiness look adorable has been a lifelong magic trick with you.

Ember: Observe! Nothing up my sleeve…

Ember: Abracadabra!
Stephen: Did you just cast the Killing Curse?
Ember: No, that’s Avada Kedavra.
Stephen: Did you just cast the Killing Curse?
Ember: I might have. Let me know if you feel your soul tearing free of your body.

Ember: If you scream “Abigail” this time, I’m gonna kill you. No pressure.

Stephen: Ahhhh… ahhhhhhhhh…! AHHHHHH! KYLE! ANDREW! OLIVER! FRANKLIN! FAITH! YVONNE! STEWART!

Ember: …were those the names of all the children you had with Abigail?!
Stephen: NO! …I left out Leonard.

Saliva solves all problems.

Ember: You know what I think?
Stephen: That we shouldn’t have sex in a room with huge windows facing the parking lot across the street?
Ember: No, that we should charge admission to the parking lot across the street.

I won’t lie, dude. I’m hoping your kids have all of her genetics, and none of yours.

Stephen: And how has that traditionally worked out for you?

The answer can be found in how easily I allow your children to die.

Conrad: Man, this is awesome. The only thing that would make it better is, like, two chicks.

Shenene: What the fuck just happened?
Julie: Who the fuck are you?

Conrad: Oh! Um… maybe… three chicks?
Vanessa: What the fuck just happened?

Still not happening, dude.

Stephen: What are you doing for SimEarth day, Amin?

Amin: Polluting the lower atmosphere with carbon!
Stephen: Squeeee!

Hack wanted: Young Adult walk for Adults.

Ember: NOT LEARNIN’ A FUCKIN’ THING! 😀

Amin: Have you tried handcuffs? Some chicks dig handcuffs.
Stephen: I don’t think I could handcuff Ember.
Amin: What? No, I mean, you wear the handcuffs yourself.
Stephen: Look, I’m not gonna ask you again: you’re sure you’ve never dated Cecilia Phelps?

Julie: Whoops, somebody left their homework on the floor.

Julie: Better piss on it.

Julie: Guess what, Ember? Some total loser who was sitting in that other chair that I’m not sitting in now just pissed themselves.
Ember: Don’t talk to me.

Don’t laugh. You’re cleaning it up.

And now, it’s time for an adorable assignment montage!

This has been an adorable assignment montage.

Stephen: She pissed herself? That’s hilarious!
Ember: Tell that to my homework…

Ember: You look so thoughtful… whatcha thinkin’ ’bout?

Stephen: …nothing.

Shenene: Why is this chair wet?

Ember: I dunno, Stevie. I’m pretty tired tonight.
Stephen: Tell that to the paying customers, Emmy.

Stephen: I still don’t get how your exam only took ten minutes.
Ember: It was a practical exam. One-on-one with the examiner.
Stephen: You had sex with your instructor?!
Ember: What? No. I’m just really good at low-pressure practical law exams.

Ember: Great job getting on the Dean’s List!
Stephen: Dude, I’m in art. I got a perfect on my exam because the instructors were amazed I’d been able to find the room.

Stephen: Oh, look! Rishell must have breakfast ready.

Jordan: Never fear, Jordan is here! Where’s the fire?

Where else…

Amin: How the fuck do you start a fire with pancakes?
Rishell: BEVERLY NEEDED ANOTHER SHOWER OKAY

Professor Linda Goss: What a beautiful afternoon!
Stephen: You like it like this, you naughty little bitch?
Prof. Linda: The sun is shining, the birds are singing…
Stephen: I’m gonna fuck you like an animal, baby!
Prof. Linda: It’s like I’ve stepped straight into a Disney movie!

Conrad: I like this hot tub.

Ember: Oh, baby… where did you learn to do it like this?!
Stephen: Animal porn. I thought you understood me earlier.

Ember:

Ember: …I can live with that.

Ember: Feel the burn!
Stephen: Stretch those calf muscles!

Jasmine: What the fuck are you doing.

I’d exercise a lot more if it was really like this.

Beverly: Hey, hot stuff! Wanna work on some torso thrusts with me?
Stephen: What? No!
Beverly: Yeah, I didn’t think so.

How’s the term paper going?

Ember: Not very well. So far I have “In the landmark divorce case of Laci Sharpe vs. Neil Sharpe, it was established that STOP LOOKING OVER MY SHOULDER. STOP LOOKING OVER MY SHOULDER. STOP LOOKING OVER MY SHOULDER.”

Julie: Oh my god! I pissed myself again!

Julie: Solid.

He’s in a shower stall, if you’re wondering.

Whoah, not so fast there. Some of these guys have classes to go to, and they won’t thank you if they have to change their pants first.

Amin: Do the drowning dude!
Vanessa: Do the vending machine took my money!
Conrad: Do the hot chick!
Ember: Not a chance.

Vanessa: What the fuck is she doing?
Conrad: I don’t know, but she’ll be doing it in my dreams all night long.

Conrad: Okay, show me how it goes!
Ember: Well, first you wave your arms vaguely like you’re trying to see if there’s a wall behind you.

Ember: Then you sort of grab the back of your head and act like you’re trying to reflect the sun into your eyes with a mirror but you can’t quite get the angle right.

Ember: Then you pretend to elbow someone in the trachea.

What’s up?

Ember: Checking the campus directory for eligible Sims. Dude, I think you need to take a look at this.

HOLY SHIT. Um… I’ll get right on fixing that.

Fucking zombies, Jesus Christ.

(There were sixty students at MNU when it first opened.)

Ember: Hey, Stephen… did you make this shit potholder?
Stephen: Yeah.
Ember: It’s kind of a shit potholder, eh?
Stephen: Yeah.

Ember: I wish you hadn’t made this shit potholder.
Stephen: I’m writing my term paper. Can this wait?

Ember: Did you dig up this conch shell on the beach?
Stephen: During my honeymoon with Abigail, yeah.
Ember: It’s kind of a-
Stephen: -shit conch shell? Yeah, I get it already.

Ember: Well, okay, but make sure there’s no bananas in it. I’m allergic to bananas. In my anal lube.

Stephen: Hey, you’re that cute redhead!
Erin: And you’re a playable! Please don’t kill me, I know what you people are like.

Stephen: Heh, yeah, I taught like all my kids that nursery rhyme.
Erin: You know what the funniest thing about parents is?
Stephen: What?
Erin: That they don’t know how FUCKING BORING THEIR STORIES ABOUT THEIR KIDS ARE.

Erin: Seriously though? A magic lamp?
Stephen: Yep.
Erin: With a genie?
Stephen: Yep!
Erin: And you got three wishes?
Stephen: Yuh-huh.
Erin: AND YOU WISHED TO COME HERE? What the fuck is the matter with you?

Julie: -WHAM-
Vanessa: -WHAM-
Stephen: …did you know that was gonna happen?
Erin: Yeah, back up to the last screenshot, you can see Julie wobbling a bit.

Erin: WATCHING YOU MAKE OUT WITH YOUR FIANCÉ IS NOT FUN.

Vanessa: I want to look out that window.
Ember: I want to do my homework here.
Rishell: I want rarglebarglefargle.

Rishell: FINE. SERVE YOURSELVES.

Rishell: I DON’T FUCKING CARE.

Rishell: FUCK YOU KIDS AND FUCK THIS JOB.

Stephen: I might switch my major to Culinary, it looks fun.

Stephen: I was thinking I’d offer to paint you, and then when you come over, be all like “Oh, didn’t I tell you? I only do nude subjects,” and then we’d end up fucking against my easel.
Ember: I figured you’d agree to go out with me, and then I’d introduce you to Stephen, and you’d be all like “Oh my god, you’re engaged?!” and you’d be really turned on and we’d end up fucking against this chick he’s already fucking against his easel.

Amin: You’re really gonna eat that?
Jess: This mask is like a haircut. It doesn’t prevent me from eating, or kissing, or whatever.
Amin: No, I mean… Rishell always laces her pancakes with arsenic.

Jess: So now you tell me! Where we you five seconds ago, genieous?
Rishell: You did not just do that.
Jess: Do what?
Rishell: I was talking to the person who typed your dialogue.

I’m not proud.

Stephen: Sure, I’d love Daisy’s number! I hear she’s a real mink under the covers!
Ember: It’s great that you think Poppy is hot, Anthony, but I’m not a lesbian. Yes, I realize that she is a lesbian. That’s not how it works, dude. You need two.
Stephen: I want to have sex with a mink, is what I’m saying, Abby.

Low cut dress, fake hair colour, obvious stench of urine… Somebody’s getttin’ laid tonight!

Ember: Elbow to the trachea!
Jess: Why would you even HUUURGGHHGHF

Ember: Because I’m just that awesome.

Yes. Yes you are.

It’s the Village People for a new generation: a slut, a slut, a moron and a rape llama.

Julie: Admiring my good looks?

Wishing your good looks extended above the neck.

Stephen: Hi! I’m Stephen Murphy! If you still look half human under better lighting conditions, I’d probably consent to banging you silly!

Deirdre: I hardly even know you, dude. Why would I want to have sex with you?

Stephen: ‘cuz we’ve got great chemistry, baby. Let me rub my giant throbbing pestle all over your hot sticky mortar.

Tracy: -WHAM-
Deirdre: Give me five bucks and I’ll consider it.

Stephen: If I make it a hundred bucks will you help me drag this chick inside for later?
Vanessa: Whoah, is it -WHAM- o’clock already?

Conrad: -WHAM-
Deirdre: Rape jokes aren’t funny 🙁

Stephen: Two semesters of straight A’s! We’re on the fast track to success, Emmy!
Ember: Is this piss all over my shoes? This had better not be piss all over my shoes.

Well, you know what they say: something about having to have a lot of piss on your shoes during your lifetime, probably. I guess.

Next time: back to the new fish in Pine Valley, for a much shorter update with a noticeable increase in the amount of sex and nudity!

You’re welcome.

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