Welcome to the Pine Valley Chronicles, an ongoing neighbourhood story in The Sims 2!
Warning: this journal may contain uncensored nudity, violence, profanity and sexual themes.
After that massive update, here’s a much smaller one. Because size doesn’t really matter.
Unless we’re talking about penises, in which case it totally matters.
Last time in the Pine Valley Chronicles…
I needs to prune me some characters.
Cameron: Rise and shine, cuddly whiskerchin.
Andrew: Good morning, my sweetiepie doodlykums.
Yeah, you and me both.
Andrew: How much do you love me?
Cameron: Enough to clip my wrists through your back.
Andrew: I don’t know what that means, but I’d rather play along than find out.
Andrew: How come I’m always in the feminine position when we make out?
Cameron: Because science is for pussies.
Cameron: You really need to lose that beard.
Andrew: It’s the only thing distinguising me from my brothers.
Cameron: Right, so I’d have plausible deniability if I decide to cheat on you with them.
Cameron: Do we always have to have sex next to this big science machine?
Andrew: He likes to watch.
Cameron: I’d like to think I’m sexy enough that you wouldn’t need the presence of your goofy science crap to get it up with me.
Andrew: I’d like to think that too, but thinking doesn’t make it so.
Cameron: God, that felt wrong.
HAL 9000: Look Cameron, I can see you’re really upset about this. I honestly think you ought to sit down calmly, take a stress pill, and think things over.
Cameron: This isn’t happening…
HAL 9000: Those are very perky breasts, Cameron. I think you’ve improved a great deal. Can you hold them a bit closer?
Andrew: Look, I’m sorry my computer saw us having sex. Let me take you out to dinner to make up for it.
Cameron: You’re a smooth one, Mr. Murphy, I’ll give you that.
Andrew: Nah, it was HAL’s idea.
Andrew: What’s the problem?
Cameron: I think you know what the problem is as well as I do.
Andrew: Close the passenger side door, Cameron.
Cameron: I’m sorry Andrew. I’m afraid I can’t do that.
Andrew: OKAY. WE’VE BOTH SEEN THE MOVIE. IT’S BEEN ESTABLISHED. THAT’S ENOUGH NOW.
Careful. You’ve got a history of making poor decisions under the influence of a hot juicy ass.
Cameron: Hey! Don’t touch my ass, stranger! It’s hilarious that you’d come up to me and touch my ass, when we’re total strangers! Ha! Help, police! This stranger is trying to rape me or something! What a loser!
Andrew: Cut it out cut it out cut it out! They already think I’m a pervert because of my beard.
WEDNESDAY: Why is Master Andrew fraternizing with the necrotic?
She’s not a zombie anymore. She’s reformed.
WEDNESDAY: Most of her victims were not given the chance to reform.
Most of her victims weren’t smokin’ hot nerdy chicks.
Sure, broadcast it to the world why don’t you.
Andrew: The world can’t read my thoughts.
The host apparently can. Look, he’s staring right at the balloon.
Andrew: Well shit. I’m going to have to kill him, and then kill myself.
At least have dinner first.
Ocean Harris: That dude over there is totally gonna propose to that chick! The host told me, and he can read people’s minds! We can all read people’s minds. THIS IS A MIND-READING RESTAURANT.
Phillip Beckett, Zombie Zombie Hunter: Can you tell me how they taste, too? Because if you can I might need to cancel my order and get some “take out,” if you know what I mean.
Ocean: I have no idea what you mean.
Ocean: Hey, wow! He totally wants to marry that chick!
Cameron: What is that ugly waiter talking about?
Andrew: Stupid ugly waiter shit, probably.
LET’S ALL HAVE UGLY MESSY THOUGHTS.
Andrew: I WANT TO MARRY BAKED ALASKA
Cameron: I WANT TO EAT FIVE HUNDRED OMELETTES
Berjes Chen: Hello, my name is Berjes and I’ll be your HOLY SHIT GIRL YOU NEED MAKEUP. What’s that shit on your face? Are those scars? Are you a werewolf? Do you know Fenrir Greyback?
Andrew: At least he went to Harry Potter. It could be worse. He could have gone to Twil-
Berjes: NO CURSE WORDS IN THE RESTAURANT PLEASE SIR.
Yes, you’re pretty, hello there.
Andrew: Wow, that’s so sweet! Nobody’s ever blown me a kiss before!
Cameron: I’m trying it out to see if you like it, so I won’t have to touch that lice-infested face rag you call a beard with my newly soft and youthful skin anymore.
Cameron: But hey… do you think I ought to put makeup on my scars?
Andrew: Nah. Dudes dig scarred chicks.
Cameron: Even when those scars came from the Queen of the Zombies?
Berjes: Oh my god! You know Paris Hilton?!
Cameron: I’ve been thinking lately… I caused a lot of people to die when I called the zombies into my dormitory.
Andrew: Feeling remorseful?
Cameron: What? Oh, fuck no. I just think it’s hilarious, and I wanted to share it with you.
Cameron: Now eat this and shut up.
Andrew: I propose a toast!
The Entire Restaurant Staff: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED
Andrew: To life!
Cameron: No, that’s too unlikely.
Andrew: Okay then… to happiness!
Cameron: Don’t be ridiculous.
Andrew: Fine. To… to not dying tonight in any remarkably unusual and gory way!
Cameron: That’s a tall order, but I’ll drink to it anyway.
Cameron: Why are you staring at us? Did I kill your family or something? Do you want me to kill you too? Is that why you came here tonight? To stare at me and DIE?!
Ray Depiesse: You were just talking really loudly.
Cameron: Yeah, hey, yeah I was! How about that! I guess that gives you a right to barge right in on my conversation like you’re my fucking long-lost uncle or something! Hey, I’ve got an idea! How about I choke the fucking life out of you, and then hold a seance to contact you, and you can hover right over this fucking table and hear everything we say? How would that be?
Andrew: Damn good rice pilaf, this.
Ray: That’s a bit extreme. Maybe you should just talk quieter.
Cameron: That’s one possibility, sure. Here’s another possibility: I rip off your head and shit down your neckhole.
Ray: …I just want to eat these pork chops.
Cameron: I’m so glad we came here tonight, Andrew! I’ve been looking for someone to try out my new flying testicle smash technique on, and lo! the Maker has provided.
Ray: Are you a wizard?
Andrew: Hey, that reminds me. Want to see a neat trick?
Cameron: Is this that thing you learned in the Far East?
Andrew: Yeah, that’s the one. It’s perfect for situations like this.
Cameron: What kind of situation do you think this is?
Andrew: The kind where we need to leave quickly before the police arrive.
Andrew: Oh, yeah great, take her fucking plate why don’t you. Because she was totally finished with that.
Brooke Ajanagadde: What are you, like… twelve, or something? Are we back in high school?
Andrew: Yeah, very funny. Let’s go back to high school, alright, and I’ll bend your dumb ass right over a desk and hatefuck you silly.
Cameron: Hey, no, you’re right. This looks like the perfect moment for that trick.
Andrew: You don’t even know what it is yet.
Cameron: It has got to be better than spending the night in jail.
Andrew: At least let me finish my glass of water first.
Andrew: Yes. Very refreshing.
Andrew: Alright, let’s do this. Are you familiar with Hide and Seek?
Cameron: The kid’s game?
Andrew: Yeah. Well, my version of Hide and Seek…
Andrew: …you could say it’s the adult version.
Cameron: Okay! That just happened. That’s a thing that just happened just now.
Cameron: But where the fuck did he go?
Berjes: DON’T UNDERSTAND GARBAGE MASHER. OH WELL GARBAGE GOES ON FLOOR NOW.
Andrew: Ow. Ow. Ow ow ow ow ow.
Hit the ceiling lamp?
Andrew: Hit the ceiling lamp.
Andrew: With my genitals, yes. Can we not talk for a moment?
Cameron: Hey, you’re omniscient. Where’d he go?
Telling you would kind of defeat the purpose of the game.
Cameron: And not telling me would result in my asking Phillip Beckett, Zombie Zombie Hunter, to have sex with me in the bathroom.
He’s in the back garden.
Cameron: Thank you.
Esther Wren: What the fuck is this?
Brooke: GARBAGE GOES ON FLOOR NOW.
Cameron: Hey, you were right. That was a pretty nifty trick. But what makes it the adult version of Hide and Seek?
Andrew: The part where your reward for finding me is hot sweaty sex in a public place.
Cameron: I like playing games with you.
Andrew: I hoped you would.
Ramin Barakat: What’s all that garbage doing on the floor?
Esther: GARBAGE GOES ON FLOOR NOW.
Berjes: GARBAGE FOR THE GARBAGE GOD.
Cameron: This has been a really romantic evening, Andrew.
Andrew: Which part did you like best? The part where you verbally assaulted a random stranger, or the part where the kitchen staff became an insane death cult, or the part where I whacked my junk on the ceiling light?
Cameron: Definitely that last one.
Cameron: Know what else you can whack your junk on?
Andrew: Oh, for sure. Lots of things. I’ve had tons of practice. You’d be hard-pressed to find anything in my lab I haven’t whacked my junk on by now.
Cameron: Yeah, this is not at all where I was going with that.
Andrew: There’s always an element of danger when you ask a lonely scientist a personal question, Cameron.
Andrew: But yeah, I totally got what you were getting at.
Andrew: Man! Oh, man! I’d almost forgotten what it was like to have sex with a live human being!
Cameron: Most of your peers probably never found out in the first place.
Berjes: GIVE TRIBUTE TO THE GARBAGE GOD.
Brooke: GARBAGE GOES ON FLOOR NOW.
Jim Trottier: Just let me cook this fucking food, okay?
Speaking of fucking…
Andrew: I’m still cramped from the teleportation. If I try to stand up, I’ll break in half.
Andrew: Just gotta keep up the momentum, you know?
-sigh- I’ve forgotten at this point.
Anthony: Did you done fix this game, darkie?
Shea Tsang: Okay, first off: you’re not a cowboy. Second: I’m the mayor of Centreborough. Third: shut the fuck up, honkie.
The long-awaited sequel to Dogs Playing Poker.
Phillip Beckett, Zombie Zombie Hunter: Your move, foolish mortal.
Ray: I don’t understand what’s wrong with you people. This used to be such a nice restaurant.
Kenya Lawson: Want to be in a chess picture with a funny caption?
Venkat Hogan: No.
Cameron: Look, I’m telling you, no way is it stuck.
Andrew: And I’m telling you, you should have had this thing cleaned out after we cured you.
Ramin: THE GARBAGE GOD IS PLEASED.
Esther: MORE TRIBUTE IS NEEDED.
Berjes: GARBAGE GOES ON FLOOR NOW.
Jim: Would you people SHUT THE FUCK UP?!
Jim: This is the last time I hire union, I tell you what.
Andrew: May I have this dance?
Cameron: I’m shocked at your forward behaviour, sir! I am saving myself for marriage!
Andrew: I’m sorry I fucked your sister all those times at university.
Cameron: And I’m sorry I got all our friends killed at university.
Andrew: Yeah, what the fuck am I talking about? I’m like a saint compared to you.
Cameron: You must be a saint, I can feel your holy sceptre.
Andrew: Yeah. Kneel down and kiss the rod, baby.
Andrew: But first, put on this ceremonial regalia.
Cameron: Oh my god! The psychic waiters were right!
Andrew: Silly girl. The psychic waiters are always right.
Cameron: And to think, all I had to do was cause a necrotic pandemic to get your attention.
Andrew: The things we do for love, eh?
Andrew: Whoah, down girl! Those omelettes are like lead in your stomach.
Cameron: You sure know how to make a girl feel special.
Cameron: Of course, it’s a lot easier to make a guy feel special.
Andrew: I feel special 🙂
Andrew: Your scars feel funny on my penis.
Cameron: I bet those words have never been spoken before.
Andrew: I guess you’ve never heard of Rule 34.
Andrew: Hey, take it easy! There’s no brains in there!
Cameron: I dunno, you are a man.
For all the ladies who were craving a bit of hot fat scientist ass.
Andrew: Don’t kiss me.
Andrew: Why? Because it’s gross, that’s why.
Cameron: People do it in porn all the time!
Andrew: People fuck GOATS in porn all the time!
Cameron: Wait, what? Show me when we get home.
Cameron: Seriously though, I had a wonderful night tonight.
Andrew: Ugh, back off, I can smell it on your breath.
Cameron: You mad, mad romantic.
Brooke: GARBAGE GOES IN GARBAGE NOW.
Nikki Owens: KILL THE HEATHEN.
Ramin: KILL THE HEATHEN.
Berjes: KILL THE HEATHEN.
Esther: KILL THE HEATHEN.
Ricky Jalowitz: Don’t you want to kill the heathen too?
Jim: Sure, fuck, whatever.
Ocean: GARBAGE GOES ON FLOOR FOREVER.
Brooke: GARBAGE GOES ON FLOOR FOREVER.
Nice place, good food, great atmosphere.
Cameron: I’m exhausted. What pic number is this?
Ninety-one, and I probably left a few of them out.
Cameron: Fuck, seriously? I was sure we’d be at, like, two hundred and fifty by now.
It was the garbage cult, right?
Cameron: Yeah, it was definitely the garbage cult.
Andrew: Yes, I mean “marry” as in “spend my life with.” Look, that was the old Cameron. Yes, she axe-murdered her last fiancé, but he had it coming to him anyway. LOOK IF YOU DON’T WANT AN INVITATION JUST SAY SO OKAY
Andrew: Yes, I know the White sisters are hot, but I really am going to marry Cameron. No, you’re a moron! Yeah, well fuck you too!
Andrew: I dare you to say that again! Yeah! I’ll come over there and kick your ass! Don’t think I won’t! You fucking bitch!
Andrew: I’m not going to argue with you! I’m getting married next year, and if you don’t like it you can go fuck yourself!
Sullivan: Tell her I said hello.
Andrew: Sullivan says “hi,” mom.
Congratulations, it’s a hellspawn!
Next time: the last full course of university you’ll ever see in Pine Valley begins! It’s got hot redheads.
Like there’s even another kind.