The Pine Valley Chronicles, Chapter Forty-One

Welcome to the Pine Valley Chronicles, an ongoing neighbourhood story in The Sims 2!
Warning: this journal may contain uncensored nudity, violence, profanity and sexual themes.

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I wasn’t going to post this so soon, but I thought it best to keep up my momentum if I could.

If you haven’t read Chapter Forty, which was posted a few days ago, go do that first.

Last time in the Pine Valley Chronicles…

Okay, so I’ve got good news and bad news. The good news is, I’m funny again. The bad news is, it took an extensive montage of explicit incest to make me funny again. Not even kidding. You have been warned; whatever happens next is entirely your fault.

So, what’s your thing? Do you even have a thing? I bet you don’t even have a thing.

Deborah: I’m going to be a famous journalist!

You’re not going to live that long.

Deborah: What? Why not?

You’ve heard of publish or perish?

Deborah: Yeah…?

Well, we only have the second one in Pine Valley.

The computer, however, decides to humour her hopeless fantasy and gives her the job.

If you’re asking who the fairest of them all is, you’re going to be sorely disappointed.

Deborah: Hey, Michael! Just thought I’d check in and see what’s up with you. What? Deborah. No, Deborah. In the pink dress? With the red hair? Seriously?

Hm, I have the power to end this right now. That’s tempting. Maybe Deborah should step out for some fresh air…

I kind of doubt her newspaper is any different from the one you already stole from her neighbour, Samantha.

Deborah: NO, that’s KENDRA. Yes, that’s right, the black one. NO I DO NOT HAVE HER NUMBER!

Well that can’t be good.

And that could go either way.

Apparently we’re going for a themed welcome wagon this time.

The theme is entropy.

Daisy: Are you aware that there’s a zombie behind you?
Deborah: I wasn’t aware that zombies existed.
Daisy: Is there a betting pool on you? Do you know how I can get in on it?

William: Pleased to meat you!
Deborah: That sounded wrong. Did you say “meet” or “meat”?
William: Well I’m certainly not pleased to meet you. That would be silly.

William: DRAGON STANCE

Deborah: What the fuck was that?
William: You don’t like my dragon stance? πŸ™

Deborah: So I hear you’re a zombie.
Peter: Hey, you’ve got brains! I love that in a woman.
William: Everyone likes my dragon stance πŸ™

Deborah: Oh baby, I can smell the materialism radiating off him.

Fortune Sims.

Peter: So, that guy in there is gonna try to park his train in your station.

Daisy: So, you gonna try and park your train in her station?
William: Fuck yeah I am!
Daisy and William: – Best Friends –

Peter: He is going to try and pitch a fastball across your home plate.

Peter: He is going to try and commit a crime in your precinct.
Deborah: I FUCKING GET IT ALREADY OKAY
Brandi Bertino 2: -has issues with boundaries-

Daisy: So you know Erin Long?
William: Maybe? No? Okay?

Daisy: She pissed herself a lot.
William: Did she? That’s hilarious! I think?

DON’T LOOK AT HER LIKE THAT.

William: What? Why?

Because she’s your si-

Daisy: BECAUSE I’M YOUR SYMPATHIZER

No, see, she’s just imperson-

Daisy: I’M JUST IMPERSONAL

Look, she killed your pa-

Daisy: I KILLED YOUR PANDA
William: Shit, that was you? I loved that panda!

Peter: FUCK that woman is BORING. I bet her brains taste like oatmeal.

Deborah: Ohmigod I have to tell you this juicy piece of gossip!
Peter: Sure, just let me go hang myself first.

I would love to see you try that.

It doesn’t even matter which one of them you’re looking at.

Deborah: What? NO! I’m not paying your phone bill!
Michael: It’s just that five cents is a lot of money, and I didn’t get any tangible value from talking to you earlier.

Deborah: I think you should leave before you try to eat my brains.
Peter: I was thinking of leaving after that, but if you insist…

Deborah: And I’m getting a really creepy vibe from you two, so you should leave as well.

If you’re going to lie, it might as well be a ridiculous lie.

Oh look, they found something they have in common.

Two things, actually!

William and Deborah:

William: I can’t get it straight. Was it the lesbian who was just here, or her sister?

Deborah: Get out of my house.
William: That’s what she said!
Deborah: No doubt.

Big day tomorrow, eh? Pursuing the impossible dream and all that.

Deborah: I just want to have a successful career and pass something along to my children.

Yeah, that’s what I mean. The impossible dream.

Deborah: What the hell? I’m getting up already?

Time dilation is a dangerous tool in the hands of an expert!

I am really not looking forward to this.

Lucas: I await the promised sexual favours.

There are no promised sexual favours.

Lucas: I await them nevertheless.

Well, you’ve got a lovely view of the trailer park from here. Somehow that seems appropriate.

Any job openings for vacuous ethnic stereotypes?

Lucas: Only Sim Italians in Sim New Jersey.

Figures.

Having trouble?

Lucas: “Three” is the one like a pitchfork? “Nine” is the one that makes a kitty mouth sideways?

Lucas: Hello ginger queen! Lucas Perez desires your presence in his castle of love! Bring your genitals with you, and wash them well in preparation.

Lucas: There was no need for profanity.

I hear TV dinners are a serious aphrodesiac.

Lucas: I hear big words mean little penises.

I hear SHUT UP.

Oh good, it’s Calamity Jane again.

I’m watching you.

Cameron: I’m reformed.

Oh, I don’t care about that. I’m just watching you because you’re cute.

Cameron: You used to say I was ugly.

Yes, but in a cute sort of way.

Lucas: Disrobe and wait for me on the bed. I will be making love to you shortly.
Cameron: I already have a boyfriend.
Lucas: Extraneous detail is neither requested nor appreciated.

Lucas: Hello strange bleach person. Have you also come to ride the penis express?
Daisy: Yeah, maybe. But only if we can make it really angry and hateful.
Lucas: Please tell the scarred woman to wait in the closet. She is now second in line.

Lucas: You are not a woman.
William: Well spotted.

Lucas: The aura of danger is like a lance to my heart!

Or an axe to your head, right?

Lucas: You have seen this Daisy White, yes? She is the sex, is she not?

Daisy: Oh, yes. She certainly is.
William: Should I be leaving?
Lucas: Yes. And I should be coming.
William: That’s lovely.
Lucas: It is lovemakingly.
William: PLEASE STOP.

Yes HELLO CAMERON I SEE YOU. Cut it out!

Cameron: I just wanted to thank you for helping Andrew solve the zombie situation.
William: I appreciate it, but couldn’t he have thanked me himself?
Cameron: I asked him that, but he said something about his last fiancΓ©, and his mom, and a disintegration ray, and your penis.

William: I see you have also been thinking about my penis.
Cameron: I SHOULD BE GOING.

Cameron: It was nice meeting you. Well, no, it wasn’t. You’re a horrid, disgusting little man.
Lucas: Please contain your lust. I am embarrassed for you.

Lucas: Remove your penis from my home so that I might place it within my remaining guest’s love canal.
William: Okay, but don’t tear up the place, I might want to check it out myself some day.

Lucas: Prepare your womb, bleach person! Lucas Perez and his mighty staff approach!
Daisy: I’M TAKING A SHIT DON’T COME IN HERE

Lucas: You honour my septic tank with your bodily secretions!
Daisy: If I don’t listen to the words, you’re not half disgusting!

Lucas: Shall we make romance away from here, where the sweet perfume of your dark gift is not curdling both our stomachs?
Daisy: I told you not to come in here, dude.

Daisy: Ooh! Is that a rocket in your pocket, or are you just glad to see me?
Lucas: It is a rocket in my pocket. I fly it around my bedroom at night and make whooshing sounds.
Daisy: That totally does not surprise me.

OH MY GOD NEXT PICTURE NEXT PICTURE

Lucas: Your aura of evil is so strong! My hands burn with the fury of hellfire!
Daisy: You noticed!

Lucas: Why so tense?
Daisy: It’s all the axe throwing, really cramps me up.

Daisy: You’re an excellent dancer.

Lucas: I excel at the mattress mambo especially.

Daisy: Whoah, take it easy there Hoover!

Daisy: These fillings were expensmmfffff.

Daisy: Mffffbmmflmrrfmlllmmmmmmmmm.

Lucas: Behold, the gentlest pimp hand.

Daisy: Do you have protection?
Lucas: I am cold, sterile and dead inside.
Daisy: Awesome.

Lucas: This… this is what it feels like?
Daisy: Mmm… mmm… what? What did you say?
Lucas: NOTHING WAS SAID

Lucas: I cannot see your pouchy bloated face.
Daisy: And I can’t see your greasy Mexican leer.
Lucas: We are the king and queen of romance.

Lucas: What are you thinking about, my chiquita of hot sweaty love?
Daisy: I’m pretending you’re my brother.
Lucas: Hey, if that works for you.

Daisy: Yeah, it does. It certainly, certainly does.

Ugh.

Daisy: I had a lovely time tonight.
Lucas: I had a sexy time tonight.
Daisy: You’re such a fucking joke.
Lucas: I never joke about fucking.
Daisy: HURRY UP AND CHANGE HOUSEHOLDS OKAY

Happily. Welcome to #2 White Street, home of (who else?) the White Sisters! That’s right, it’s a double shot of Daisy today. And maybe, if you’re really unlucky, Daisy will get a double shot of something today as well.

They’re pretty filthy stinking rich, what with Daisy having stolen all her parents’ money after killing them.

Hey, look, a daisy painting. Totally didn’t do that on purpose.

Probably could have fooled you though.

Shit.

Giving Lucas a ring?

Daisy: Hell no. I’m trading up today.

NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO.

Daisy: William! So nice to see you again! Oh, your arms are so big and strong and sexy!

Do you have an endgame for this, beyond infuriating and disgusting me?

Daisy: I was hoping to alienate some of your readers, too.

Then I don’t think you know my readers very well.

I guess it makes sense that William would find his half-sister attractive, being so damn narcissistic.

William: What half-sister? Who has a half-sister?

Poppy: Mr. Sharpe? Is that you? Come here for a second!

William: My lesbian sense is tingling! Warning me of lesbians!

Poppy: So, my sister’s really sweet on you. Maybe you ought to go make a move on her.

Not you too…

Daisy: My sexy sense is tingling! Warning me of sexy!

Characters like William aren’t created, they’re evolved.

William: FOR THE RECORD YOU ARE THE HOTNESS
Daisy: Let the record show that I am the hotness!

William: However, video games are also the hotness.

Poppy: Maybe I didn’t make myself clear enough. My sister is pretending to drown herself in the bathtub. I think that means you aren’t done.

What are you doing?

Daisy: Picturing “Mrs. Daisy Sharpe.” It has a nice ring to it.

Okay, but really: what the hell are you doing?

Daisy: I’m getting revenge on our dad, who cheated on my mom and married the same woman who subsequently murdered her. I’m getting revenge on my half-brother who never trusted me, took all the credit for killing the zombies, even though I did way more than him, and started a manhunt for me that forced me to change my identity and got me turned into a zombie. I’m getting revenge on my stepmother by marrying her son and reuniting the family fortune. And I’m getting that goddamn last name, because I should have been a Sharpe from the very beginning.

And you need to have sex with your brother to accomplish all of this?

Daisy: Maybe not, but it’s certainly a perk. And what he doesn’t know can’t hurt him.

That is not at all true.

Don’t ever change, William.

William: Your eyes are so beautiful and blue… almost familiar… like I’ve known you all my life!

Almost like they’re exactly the same as your eyes, am I right?

William: Yeah. Hey, yeah! It must be destiny!

Alright, you deserve what you’re about to get.

But I’m not sure the rest of us do.

Daisy: So, wanna go make out in my bedroom?
William: It’s like you’re reading my mind!
Daisy: Well, yeah. The dating interface lets me do that.

We don’t need any prostitutes right now.

Kendra: Seriously fuck right off.

Don’t push my temper, Kendra. I’ve got ways of making you pay for it.

…why aren’t you still trapped in Peter’s basement, Randy?

Randy: Day pass, snrrrk.

Daisy: I still can’t believe I’m about to do this.

I still can’t imagine WHY you’re about to do this.

Daisy: Well, DUH. I’m trying to destroy him utterly.

Gee, it makes so much sense when you put it that way.

William: This… feels weird.
Daisy: You’re one to talk. It feels like I’ve got a telephone pole shoved up against my crotch. Do you need a permit for that thing?

I feel a great disturbance in the bandwidth, as if millions of perverts suddenly cried out in pleasure, and were suddenly masturbating.

William: When I kiss you… it kinda feels like… like I’m kissing my sister.
Daisy: Um… sorry?
William: No, that’s awesome. Did you ever meet any of my sisters? They were pretty hot. But the whole incest thing was a bit of a turnoff.
Daisy: Heh, I can only imagine.

William: Mmmf… why are you doing that hoverhands thing?
Daisy: Um… I’m afraid I’ll burn up with lust if I touch you too much.
William: I buy that…

William: …but I just checked my watch, and it’s DEFINITELY ass-grab-o’clock.

It’s a ZOMBIE. Zombies are not SUPPOSED to be for fucking.

Of course, neither are sisters…

Daisy: Are you ready to do this, Mr. Big Tough Secret Agent Man?
William: How did you know about my condescension fetish?

Are you really about to make me add another warning to my journal?

Daisy: More than one, if I can help it.

-shoomp-

Daisy: I’ve been practising that.

Daisy: Okay, now you try.
William: This is the uniform of the Chief of the SimNational Central Intelligence Agency. One does not simply chuck it onto the floor!
Daisy: I’ll suck your dick.

William: Done!

William: How come you’re dragging this out so long?

I’m trying to forestall the inevitable.

William: Well it’s making my balls hurt so CUT IT OUT.

Daisy: Try over here by the window. That way you can look at the zombies outside. I know that gets you off.
William: Are you an angel?

Daisy: If I am, I’m going to be in some seriously deep shit next time I see my boss.

MEANWHILE, POPPY WINDS THE GRANDFATHER CLOCK.

Fine, no, I’m not gonna cop out. Ugh.

William: Hey, is that a prostitute outside?

William: How’d you learn to do it like that?
Daisy: Practised on a paperboy.
William: No kidding? What happened to him?
Daisy: He made some poor choices at university.
William: Those ten second decisions that ruin the rest of your life, huh?
Daisy: Not so much “ruin,” but “shorten,” yeah.

Could you not have found a less revolting method of destroying him?

Daisy: Probably, but this one is a lot more fun.

William: You never told me where you were from, anyway.
Daisy: Oh, out of town.
William: That’s not very specific.
Daisy: You are entirely correct.

William: I just can’t get rid of the feeling that I’ve seen you before.
Daisy: I should hope not. I don’t want this to turn into “50 First Dates.”

Daisy: But enough about me, let’s talk with saliva.

The Arthurian myths had incest. I’m drawing from very reputable sources.

And some of the most famous Greek tragedies, too.

I guess they probably didn’t have blowjobs going on, though, so maybe I should stop trying to justify this.

William: Don’t… you want… to take… a breath…?
Daisy: When I’ve fantasized about suffocating you for so long?

Daisy: Alright, let’s make this official.

MEANWHILE, POPPY PLAYS VIDEO GAMES.

Yeah, sorry. I’m just too much of a completist to wuss out now.

William: Did you have floor sex in mind when you carpeted in berber? Because this is one step off from Marquis de Sade.

William: Why are you making such a big deal out of this? I’ve had sex with strangers before. You usually only take one picture.

It usually isn’t the beginning of a horrifying, decades-long new storyline.

William: OH GOD DON’T LET HER BE PREGNANT.

William: How come you made me make the first move?
Daisy: I think a man has the right to decide if he wants to damn himself or not.
William: I refuse to give that further thought.

Daisy: Step into my vagina, said the spider to the moron.

William: What was that?
Daisy: Nothing! πŸ˜€

William: You know, not that I’m complaining or anything, but I don’t usually bang the same chick twice in a row.
Daisy: But in this case it’s in the service of a higher cause.
William: And what would that be?
Daisy: The discomfort of others.

Daisy: Now shut up and mmf.

Trina: I don’t WANNA be a NAKED ZOMBIE.

Poppy: That can easily be arranged.

Seriously? You’ve STILL got frostbite? That’s… pretty impressive, really.

Daisy: Hey, can I call you right back? It’s just that these unforgiveable sins won’t commit themselves.

Mmm. Nothing like a tall cold glass of painful distintegration on a hot day.

Poppy: Damn girl, are you a genie? Because I would LOVE to RUB YOUR LAMPS.
Trina: HACK SPLUT

Daisy: I don’t think that’s how doggy style works, William.
William: I’ve seen pictures.

Poppy: Man… I hate sweeping.

William: I’m not complaining or anything, but wouldn’t you rather we took this a bit slower? Maybe take a break once an hour, or something?
Daisy: I don’t want to lose my nerve.

Daisy: Or your penis.

Daisy: Oh, William… dear William… you’re so easy to manipulate.
William: I should hope so! Captain Sparkles is super-sized for easy manipulation!

This has really been an experiment in crafting the perfect series of screenshots and captions so that a fundamentalist Christian would not have enough outrage left to comment on the eleventh hour lesbianism at the end.

William: What do you call this position?
Daisy: The Filthy Spaniard.

Daisy: Ahahahahaha!
William: What?
Daisy: That tickles!
William: Where?
Daisy: On the roof of my mouth, I think. Dude, what did they feed you when you were a kid?

Poppy: You know what we are?
Brittany: No, what?

Poppy: Muff divers!

-splash-

You’re definitely one of William’s sisters.

Daisy: Oh… it feels so good…
William: Kissing?
Daisy: No, revenge.

Brittany: That was a lot of fun, Poppy.
Poppy: Don’t ruin it by talking.

Brittany: How come your eyes are red?
Poppy: Because chatty bitches make me cry.

Brittany: She loves me, really.
Poppy: I’m gonna go be sick.

William: Seriously? You wanna go for a fifth time?
Daisy: What can I say? It’s a nice round number!

Bed: Please make it stop.

William: Man! Feel the muscles on this chick!

She does a lot of overhand sports.

William: I’ve never felt such a strong connection with anyone, Daisy.
Daisy: You know what they say, blood is thicker than semen.

William: I don’t know what that means πŸ™‚
Daisy: I know πŸ™‚

Brittany: Will you stay with me forever, Poppy?
Poppy: What? Fuck no.

Poppy: Now stop jabbering and open wide, bitch.

Oh, so NOW you guys get modest.

Well, the deeds are done. I hope you’re happy with yourselves. I’m going to go wash my fingertips until the prints are worn down to bone. If you’re feeling ill-used, well, look at it this way: when the muse doesn’t speak for two months, you’d better listen to it when it does, even if all it’s got for you is an endless stream of captions for a serial killer sucking off her half-brother.

They don’t teach this shit in school, folks.

Next time: the revenge of the basement dwellers, an ill-conceived union, and two blasts from the past. And 100% less incest! So that’s good.

Right?

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