Welcome to the Pine Valley Chronicles, an ongoing neighbourhood story in The Sims 2!
Warning: this journal may contain uncensored nudity, violence, profanity and sexual themes.
Back again, again. Again. You’re certainly owed an explanation about where I’ve been; I’ll let you figure out who owes it to you, and you can get it from them yourselves as well.
This entry is short, by which I mean it’s only twice as long as it would have been if anyone else had done it.
Last time in the Pine Valley Chronicles:
The first third of Generation Two came, we saw, nobody conquered. That comes later.
Get it? Flint? Because she’s black?
You probably already got it.
Kendra: “Get a Job”?! I don’t think you’re clear on the whole “Pleasure Sim” thing!
And I don’t think you’re clear on the whole “dying alone in a gutter” thing!
Kendra: Well alright then.
Kendra: My mouth is HUGE and my arms are TINY!
Michael: Oh baby! I’ll be right over!
Oh, what’s your problem NOW?
Irfin: I have genital herpes.
It’s always something with you, isn’t it.
Michael: Hey Irfin, how’s it hangin’?
Irfin: -bursts into tears-
Michael: I hope her rates are cheap, I only brought five bucks.
Michael: So, do you charge by the hour or only if we have sex? I’m new to this whole “dating” thing.
Kendra: I can’t imagine why.
Kendra: You’re looking very Aryan today.
Michael: You noticed!
Kendra: So I think I saw a black dude the other day.
Michael: No way.
Kendra: I know right?
FUCK OFF ALREADY.
Kendra: I’ve never been in love before. Am I supposed to be throwing up in my mouth?
Only if it’s true love.
Michael: HA! Six! They would, wouldn’t they?!
Dressed to impress, I see.
Dammit, I’m tired of your fake Latino manwhore schtick. Go away.
Lucas: Taco chiquita cervaza.
Andrew: Is that seriously the best you could do? You couldn’t make all three of them attractive?
The problem with attractive Sims is that their children end up looking like this.
Lucas: You may keep this house, but I will require a key.
Andrew: Hey, is that a bla-
Okay, no, shut up. Most gods make people in their own image. That doesn’t make me racist.
Andrew: No, it just makes you lazy.
I get better, I promise.
Kendra: He’s just such a bad boy!
He’s a male chauvinist pig.
Kendra: Bitches love that!
Andrew: Hi, I’m Andrew Murphy. I live in that big house down the street. What’s your name?
Kendra: Let’s make a deal: I’ll tell you my name, and you release my hand from that metal deathtrap where your hand is supposed to be.
Is it the tank top, the horse face, or the grease that’s doing it for you?
This, though, needs no explanation. Andrew is basically the anti-sex.
Andrew: Hey, what the fuck, dude?
You’re in a thought balloon, you can’t talk.
Andrew: So I was thinking… there are a lot of spare rooms in my big ol’ house… how’s about you and I…
Kendra: Lucas? If he hits on me, please kick him in the scrotum with your cowbow boots.
Lucas: Why must I wait?
Ouch. Kiss of death, dude.
Deborah: So I bought this new eyeliner the other day, it goes on a lot smoother than the stuff I used to use…
Michael: Oh my god, what’s that behind you? It’s a diversion! Thank god.
And how very diverting she is.
Michael: Although I have to admit, sometimes I could really go for a nice pearl necklace.
Kendra: Look, you’re nice and all, but the robot hand really isn’t doing it for me.
Andrew: I can reprogram it to do it for you!
Kendra: You’re not listening.
Michael: So you know that black dude?
Deborah: Yeah? Wait, which black dude?
Michael: Are you kidding? How many have you seen?
STOP IT STOP IT STOP IT
Andrew: The alien hand syndrome isn’t as bad as you’d think. It’s only strangled two people since I got it.
Deborah: .oO(I wonder if it would be rude for me to just leave.)
Michael: .oO(I wonder if it’s rude to keep staring at her tits.)
Deborah: ARE YOU STARING AT MY TITS?
Michael: I’m sorry! Would you like me to kiss them better?
Deborah: I’M NOT SURE o.O
Deborah: Do you ever get the feeling other people are doing more interesting things than you are?
Michael: What, without me? That’s literally impossible.
Fine, you can steal it, but only because you’re so adorable.
Andrew: Watch as I make this beanbag hover with my MIIIINNND.
Kendra: Stop misrepresenting the screenshots.
Kendra: No, our pointed shoe club is full. I’m sorry. Try again next year.
Michael: I dunno.
Lucas: I dunno.
Andrew: What are they talking about?
Deborah: Hey, aren’t you that guy who tried to declare his attic lab a micronation?
Andrew: SCIENCE IS A DISTINCT SOCIETY.
Deborah: Hey look he’s gonna hang himself! 😀
Andrew: Oh my god finally! 😀
Michael: Go fuck yourselves! 😀
Kendra: It’s been nice meeting you, Deborah. Michael is unattractive.
Michael: Wait, what?
Lucas: Move away from my women or I cannot guarantee your safety.
Michael: Your hair is clipping through your back.
Kendra: Your hair is Maxis default.
Michael: I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU SAID THAT IN PUBLIC.
Kendra: Oh, your hand is so warm!
Andrew: Yeah, the wires must have gotten a short when I peed on them in the bathroom earlier.
Kendra: Please don’t go on.
Andrew: I couldn’t hold on to my penis, the cold sharp metal was just unbearable and it slipped. In fact, the urine was warm too, so that might be what you’re feeling.
Lucas: I am urbane and sophisticated. I have read many books recently.
Kendra: How many of them involved dogs named Spot or trains that talk?
Lucas: Is trick question. All books involve dogs named Spot or trains that talk.
Kendra: Oh, love I cannot obey!
Why can’t you obey it?
Kendra: Did you HEAR that guy? It would probably count as statutory rape.
Lucas: It could be I who rapes you, if this will help.
Kendra: Surprisingly, that doesn’t help at all.
Lucas: Do not say Lucas Perez never offered you anything.
And don’t say I never offered you guys anything.
Against all odds, she goes to bed alone.
Kendra: For the LAST TIME, I am NOT a prostitute!
Well, not yet.
Kendra: What’s that supposed to mean?
It’s just that I bet there are people who would pay for that.
Jerome: If you say so.
Jerome: How about I DON’T look for a job?!
How about I SMITE THE FUCK OUT OF YOU?!
Jerome: How about I look for a job.
How about you do that.
No, you were never in private school.
Jerome: I was the only black kid in my class, so it felt private.
Look, I’ll feel your privates, you little…
…that came out wrong.
Meanwhile, on the other side of the street: the other side of the street! I dunno, whatever. Front to back: the old Sharpe, Fox, and Murphy homes.
Hey Brooke, what’s your sign?
No, but seriously, marry one of my Sims. They need your genetics.
Brooke: Don’t make me call my lawyer.
I don’t think you can sue your gods.
Brooke: I don’t think you can be sexually harassed by them either!
Well then I guess you don’t know shit about mythology!
In case you care, I guess.
Samantha Hanby: PFFFFFFFFFTTTT EVERYTHING
I hear you.
Oh, for fuck’s sake.
Great welcome wagon: a dullard, a casanova, and a lesbian.
Deborah: I am not a dullard!
And you are not in this pic either. Everyone stop subverting my narrative!
Jerome: Pleased to meet you! I’m Jerome!
Lucas: She has been contaminated by another man. She must be destroyed.
Jerome: Hi, I’m Jerome. What’s your name?
Jerome: Is that Spanish?
Lucas: It is sexy.
Jerome: Man, Poppy sure is hot!
Jerome: But she’d look hotter with Deborah’s hair!
STAY OUT OF MY BUSINESS.
Yeah, ha ha, he saved the entire world, what a joke.
What’s an antisocial lesbian doing visiting new men to the neighbourhood, anyway?
I can respect that.
Yeah, that’s sort of what my friends do when I visit, too.
Now that’s a Pine Valley-style welcome wagon.
Poppy: I’ve gotta run. Gotta see a man about setting another man on fire.
Jerome: It happens!
Jerome: Us ethnic stereotypes gotta stick together!
Jerome: You left absolutely no impression on me.
Jerome: Must have been coons.
NOT TOUCHING THAT ONE.
Jerome: Hey Penny! I was wondering if you’d like to come over for a burger or something!
Penny: Sure. I’ll take tomato and mustard on mine, and go easy on the desperation. It makes me throw up.
Basking in the sunlight?
Penny: Savouring my last moments of solitude.
Jerome: Your lips taste like butter.
Penny: Your lips taste like chocolate.
Jerome: I can’t believe you said that.
Penny: I can’t believe you kissed me without wiping the chocolate off your lips.
Jerome: Oh. Right. Sorry.
Jerome: So, hey, how about you and me…
Penny: Is this about hamburgers?
Jerome: …well, no, but…
Penny: Then I’m going home.
Jerome: Yes… uh-huh… how did you get this number? …uh huh… I’m calling the cops now… uh huh…
Jerome: Penny! You called back!
Penny: Sorry, misdialled. I was trying to call the cleaning service.
Jerome: Oh well. I don’t know how to make hamburgers anyway.
On that depressing note, let’s put this awful update to bed. Next time: we finish off the new arrivals, and visit some old familiar friends. Hopefully it’s funnier.