The Pine Valley Chronicles, Chapter Thirty-Eight

Welcome to the Pine Valley Chronicles, an ongoing neighbourhood story in The Sims 2!
Warning: this journal may contain uncensored nudity, violence, profanity and sexual themes.

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Last time in the Pine Valley Chronicles…

Not that a lot happens in this update, either, but I had a much easier time with it.

-Sharpe Residence-
(Where the sheep lie down with the serial killer)

Brittany: That thing with your tongue…
Poppy: I know.
Brittany: And that part where you…
Poppy: I know. I’m licensed and certified. I even have my own seal of quality.

Stephen: Tonight feels like a good night to get arrested.

Poppy: There, there. Sleep tight.

Tyler: I’M GONNA FUCK YOUR SHIT UP ASSHOLE
Stephen: FUCK YOU UP YOUR ASS MOTHERFUCKER

Poppy: On second thought, maybe we ought to stay up a bit longer.

Stephen: Not so tough without your taser, huh?

Brittany: Seriously? Who gave this useless prick a badge?
Stephen: I hear you, naked lady, but I gotta run.

I don’t see why. It’s not like he could do anything if he caught you.

Tyler: I’m really sorry, other naked lady! I tried my best!

Poppy: Aww, that’s too bad. I was totally gonna fuck you if you won.

Tyler: I could have fucked a hot lesbian 🙁

I never noticed how unnaturally they hold those controllers before.

I mean, is there a gyroscope in there or something?

Brittany: Man, these assigments are so hard!
Poppy: Why are you even doing them? You’re not a playable Sim. They don’t count.
Brittany: I’m not stupid, I’m just programmed that way.

Brittany: Having trouble with your term paper? I know just the thing to help!

Brittany: Fada soola GOR motherfuckers.
Poppy: This is new. Maybe not better, but definitely new.

Poppy: I’m screwing a cheerleader! It’s what every man dreams of.

I hope you plan on upsetting them with that information whenever you get the opportunity.

Poppy: Well of course.

And how upsetting it is.

Avri Leelaporn: Aren’t you cold?
Poppy: Lesbians don’t feel cold.
Avri: That’s vampires.
Poppy: Shows what you know.

Avri: Man! I fucking LOVE hats!

Where were YOU when I was looking for Legacy spouses…

Avri: Man, I could totally eat a barbeque right now.

I dunno, I probably made that joke once already but whatever. I can’t be bothered to go check my THIRTY SEVEN OTHER CHAPTERS to find out.

This never gets old.

Avri: Is it snowing in there?
Brittany: Perspective.
Avri: Right, right, sorry. It’s just that I’m sort of fixated on certain objects in the foreground, so the background is a bit of a blur to me right now.

Brittany: Fada soola gor!
Avri: Serious business.

Hey! I know she’s cute, but go back to your dorm if you’re gonna do that!

Brittany: SHIT IS BORING

I know right.

That’s the spirit! Go out and grab some gusto!

Avri: Holy shit! Lesbians!

I know right.

Avri: Lesbians with stamina.

I know right.

Avri: Mm-mm-MM! I can almost taste the kerosene.

Poppy: Hey Avri, look out! It’s an actual cool person! He’s gonna strangle you with your do-rag!
Avri: I’M JUST A POSEUR BECAUSE I’M LONELY PLEASE DON’T HURT ME

Poppy: Waterbearding is not a form of torture!
Avri: WHAT THE HELL THAT’S SO CLEVER

Avri: I expect an apology!

Avri: …oh my god I’m sorry please don’t look at me like that anymore.

Poppy: The gaze of death does it again!

Brittany: She’s so dreaaaamy!

Yeah. Whatever.

Avri: Get out of your own bathroom! I want to shit in it!

I hear you.

I’ve had households where these date flowers were the only reason I could afford to pay the bills.

Avri: Hey, you’re naked in a hot tub! I can read signals.

Hurrrrgh.

Hey, Brittany, you might want to go back.

Avri: If you ever get tired of cooters, you can chew on my wee-wee.
Poppy: Did you just? What? I don’t even?

There was really nowhere for the conversation to go after that.

Ah, Mount Noble. You are awesome, and I am awesome for creating you.

Kenya: Mmmm. Menial chores make me horny.

That’s nice.

Poppy: He won’t fucking LEAVE! He’s pissing me OFF!
Kenya: Mmmm. Rage makes me horny.

Yes, because duckface kissing is so much fun.

And this looks more like there’s some food on Poppy’s face, and Kenya wants to eat it, but Poppy is trying to stop her.

Love in the time of zombiism.

Yikes. You’ve got a nasty case of Maxis going on there, girl.

Yikes. You’ve got a nasty case of ugly dude with his penis out going on there, dude.

He spent the next three hours raising and lowering his fork, as though wrestling with the decision to eat rotten food or starve to death naked in someone else’s house.

Eventually he compromised, and decided to stare creepily at Poppy while she played video games.

As you do.

Poppy: I am a bedomancer! Observe: “CREATE A MAXIS TOWNIE FOR ME TO FUCK!”

Impressive.

Poppy: Alright, pay up. You’ve used up precisely one cunnilingus’ worth of my oxygen tonight.

I hope you don’t think I’m perpetuating the myth of homosexual profligacy. All of my Sims have sex with way too many partners. I like to call it “utopia.”

Hey, you look even worse now. That’s really quite the accomplishment.

Okay. 1) That’s WAY too expensive to be a date reward! It’s worth FOUR THOUSAND SIMOLEONS. And 2) Now you’re going to freeze to death.

Poppy: On the one hand, I need this arm. On the other hand, if I don’t gnaw it off, she wakes up. Ugh. Dilemma.

Just so you know, Photobucket wouldn’t host this image. Since there’s no nudity, I’m going to go ahead and say that Photobucket thinks lesbianism is immoral. Tell a friend.

I don’t know why I took this picture, other than to be puerile.

That’s actually the reason for most of the pictures I take.

Yeah, because Poppy seeing other people is much more of a concern than your rapidly advancing hypothermia.

Kenya: Uh, hey Poppy? There’s a baby frost giant on your porch?

Kenya: I think she’s planted some kind of ancient SimChinese bomb on your stairs.

Poppy: Man, some cheerleaders are loaded!

Tell me about it.

Brittany: Poppy is SO HOT! I should hug her before I freeze to death.

I think you’ve already lost the element of surprise, Brittany.

Poppy: Hi, Old Kenya!
Kenya: Hi, Poppy!

Poppy: Hi, New Kenya!
Kenya: Hi, Poppy! What?

Kenya: ROSES GO INTO THE WALL. ROSES GO INTO THE WALL.
Poppy: CAN YOU HAVE YOUR MENTAL BREAKDOWN SOMEWHERE OTHER THAN AT THE TOP OF MY STAIRS? THERE’S A RAPE LLAMA DOWN HERE

Kenya: Fuck this, she’s rich. I’m keeping the roses.

Good for you.

The Rape Llama stalks its prey mercilessly.

They also deleted this image. Apparently bird’s eye views are also immoral.

It can only defeated by extremely awkward social situations, such as sudden outdoor nudity.

Poppy: Time for an extra credit assignment.

Poppy: Why are you sneaking? You’re in plain sight.
Prof. Lilly: Why do things happen as they do in dreams?
Poppy: That’s Diablo II.
Prof. Lilly: Great game.
Poppy: Yes.

I’ve had professors I’ve wanted to do this with.

They weren’t the same gender as me, though.

Not that there’s anything wrong with that.

Beyond wanting to make out with a professor.

Oh, that’s gotta be worth at least a 3.5 GPA.

Especially since she’s so fucking ugly.

Prof. Lilly: Hey!

Hey! How’s it going?

Prof. Lilly: It’s been a lovely date. You’re now required to have sex with me.
Poppy: How the tables have turned!

What a magical world we live in.

Man, I hope she doesn’t know about my sexy trenchcoat fetish.

Poppy: Mmm. This was barely worth it.
Prof. Lilly: The feeling is mutual.

Poppy: Ohhhhh! That asshole makes me so angry, I could just… I could just…

Poppy: …I could just graduate? What the fuck?

Oh well. It’s about time; I don’t think I could take much more University bullshit.

Farewell, boring house!

Farewell, boring campus!

Hello, new clothes!

Poppy: There’s that dreamy zombie fighter!

You stay AWAY from that dreamy zombie fighter!

Hundreds of Sims in this neighbourhood, and yet the first two to show up are two of my main characters.

Andrew: Man! That lesbian chick is HOT!

Too bad you didn’t think so before, when you rejected her, and she killed herself, and her friend resurrected Melanie as a test before resurrecting her, and Melanie came back as a zombie, and… holy shit. This has all been pretty much your fault.

That’s hilarious.

Andrew: Pleased to make your acquaintance! I’d shake with my other hand, but it hates you.
Poppy: Alien robotic hand syndrome isn’t at all terrifying.

Nothing really changes, does it.

Actually, it does! Hi Deborah! You’re early!

Deborah: Better than being late! I’d hate to get pregnant before you even visit my lot.

Right. Well, with that weird minor teaser out of the way, we’re all set up for… GENERATION TWO! Finally! In the next update, six new Sims move in across the street from the original households and try to find niches in this bonkers batshit insane place called Pine Valley. Be there, or be somewhere else!

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