The Pine Valley Chronicles, Chapter Thirty-Six

Welcome to the Pine Valley Chronicles, an ongoing neighbourhood story in The Sims 2!
Warning: this journal may contain uncensored nudity, violence, profanity and sexual themes.

Click Here for Previous Entries!

Yes, it’s been ages and ages and ages. Family emergencies, grad school apps (AGAIN) and general lassitude. So fucking sue me. I’m back now!

I missed you.

Last time in the Pine Valley Chronicles:

Most of that last one belongs to Maxis and their crazy, crazy mad-libs. Still don’t know what this is from? You must have had such a crappy childhood.

-Sharpe Residence-
(Where the sheep lie down with the serial killer)

Daisy: I still can’t believe I’m a fucking zombie.

You had to let it happen. It kept your cover as a sweet innocent foreigner intact.

Daisy: I’m pissed off about that too. I want to bust some heads, dammit.

Patience, grasshopper.

Daisy: At least I’m not stuck this way.

Andrew and Abigail really came through.

Daisy: Yeah. After William and I cleaned up most of the mess.

And then you collected the mess into jars, put them in your dormitory, and caused half a dozen more people to die.

Daisy: A girl can’t have hobbies?

Daisy: Urgh. That’s better.

Yeah, it definitely is. But how are you gonna deal with the other zombies?

Daisy: Science, actually.

Clarence: What IS that smell? It’s driving me insane!

Clarence: What a pretty bottle! I’ve got the weirdest urge to slurp this shit down.
Poppy: You could have found a nicer way to phrase that, asshole.
Clarence: That hurts a lot, coming from you.

Clarence: Blech! It sure doesn’t taste as good as it sm… as it sm… sm… gggggg…

Clarence: gggggggAAAAAAAAUGH! It’s like my brain is on fire! Braaains! No! I can’t get hungry while my head is exploding!

Clarence: What the fuck what the fuck I’M DISINTEGRATING

Clarence: WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHMMMRRBRBRBRGGGGRRRRBBBBGRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

-paff-

Everyone:

That says it all, really.

Wendy: Hey, what happened here? I heard screaming.
Poppy: Nothing happened. And we’re not going to talk about it.

Poppy: Assholes to ashes, dust to dustbin.

Daisy: Hey, go me! I actually completed an assignment for a change!

Couldn’t find a professor to fuck?

Daisy: Well I changed my face, and I changed my clothes, but I really didn’t feel like changing my vagina. And you know what they say… you never forget a vagina.

I have never heard anyone else say that. I don’t know what I’d do if someone did.

Obligatory cheesecake shot.

Poppy: GRRRRARGL FUCKIN’ RAGERARGL

I’m not sure if I liked you better as a suicidal nice girl.

Oh, I guess I changed her hair. Again.

Poppy: I’m not your fucking Barbie doll, asshole.

Daisy: Oh, hi! My name is Daisy White, and I’m a new student at Mount Noble University. We just had a zombie attack, and I was wondering… since you’re such a big famous zombie fighter… if you could come down and make sure everything’s secure now? We’re a bunch of pretty young girls and we’re in need of a big strong man to reassure us. Hmm? Sharpe Residence. Great! See you soon.

You did NOT just do what I think you just did.

Daisy: Didn’t I?

Holy shit, you did.

William: Hey honey. I hear you poor girls had a nasty scare today.
Daisy: We did, but I sure am glad you’re here Mr. Sharpe! You big hunk of manly man-meat, you.

What the fuck are you doing?

Daisy: What the fuck does it look like I’m doing?

It looks like you’re making me add yet another disclaimer to the journal!

Poppy: See? Thanks to the marvel of modern cosmetology, you’re now 75% less Maxis!
Angel: And who wouldn’t be thrilled by that?

Poppy: Mr. Sharpe! Mr. Sharpe! Can you come check out our lounge for zombies, please?

William: Damn! I think I’d rather check you out, girl!

Yeah, you… I… don’t… UGH.

Because what every man wants is to bang his amnesiac sister.

…they don’t, right? Please back me up on this.

Poppy: You’re very handsome, Mr. Sharpe. I bet my sister would like to get to know you better. Because she likes penises.
William: Hey, what a terrific coincidence! I have like the biggest penis in the world.

Jerome: I know there was arsenic in our mac and cheese, Rishell. Don’t you fucking think for a SECOND that I’ve forgotten.

Jerome: STOP TRYING TO SET THAT GUY UP WITH HIS SISTER!
Poppy: She’s not his sister! She’s my sister!
Jerome: THOSE ARE NOT MUTUALLY EXCLUSIVE!
Poppy: I can’t process revelations when they’re being screamed!

William: Girl, you’re about to enter a world of hot.

William: AND IIIIIIIIIIIII WILL ALLLLLLLWAYSSSSSSS LOVVVVE YOOOOOOOOOUUUUUU
Daisy: SWEET BLEEDING SIMCHRIST IT’S LIKE A HOLOCAUST IN MY HEAD

William: Weird, that usually works. Maybe she’s a prostitute? I’ll get you next time, you sexy, sexy prostitute.

Avri: I CAN SEE YOUR GIRLFRIEND’S BRAIN AND IT ISN’T VERY BIG
Poppy: But I’m an intellectual snob! Nooooo!

Jerome: Haunted bed! Wooooooo!
Daisy: Nothing you can do is scarier than what I see when I close my eyes. Go haunt somebody who still has their fear of death.

Poppy: Chilling reminders of mortality make me horny!

Wendy: THIS WASN’T IN THE BROCHURE

William: My sisters had a bird like you once.
Laci III: SQUAWK they still do SQUAWK
William: I could never understand a word it said.

Poppy: So, I’m kind of not sure what to do with my life. Could you give me some advice?
William: Have sex with me.
Poppy: I’m gay.
William: Have sex with me?

Poppy: So, you’re a big zombie fighter, right? My sister fought a zombie and it kicked her ass.

William: One of my sisters used to be a zombie fighter. Then she killed like five normal people with axes. Now she’s on our most-wanted list.

William: What I really want to do is fight aliens.

Poppy: There’s no such thing as aliens!

Poppy: You should fight robots instead.
William: My girlfriend fought a robot once. A robot she made. She was a zombie. And a vampire.

Yeah, this neighbourhood didn’t really turn out the way I expected it to.

Thank god.

William: So, would you like to be an astronaut?

Poppy: Yeah! Who wouldn’t?

Poppy: …you’re about to make a joke about your penis being a rocket, aren’t you?

William: Can’t blame a guy for trying.

William: Man, she’s so into me.

She’s a lesbian.

William: Doesn’t matter. You can change that.

“Gigli” is not based on a true story.

William: Not yet.

Ugh.

New digs! It’s easier to keep secrets when you live alone.

Every Sim home needs some open floor space, for all that floor sex.

Nice and quaint.

And so cozy! You’d never guess that a maniac and an amnesiac live here.

Are you as evil as the last gypsy?

Aiyana: No, but I’m just as comically inept!

That suits my purposes.

Daisy: Hi! I’m Daisy!

What? I had to do it eventually.

Daisy: I can’t wait to meet him!
Ted: LOOK OUT BELOW

Aiyana: This is Ted. He’s like eighty.
Daisy: What is with you bitches and serving up old guys? I mean… thank you. Thank you. I’m not sure I am attracted to this man. Who I am sure is a very nice man.

Your lips say “no” but your Aspiration Points say “yes.”

Daisy: IT WAS NICE MEETING YOU TED BUT I HAVE TO GO TO CLASS OKAY BYE MOVE IT OR LOSE IT LADY

Aiyana: Are you looking for love, my dear?
Poppy: I was looking for my taser, actually. Why are you on my lawn, bitch?

Poppy: Okay, I’m willing to give this another shot.
Amin: Daisy has a twin? That’s so hot.

A professor? Seriously. A professor.

Hey, but at least baby got bounce.

Aiyana: This is Lilly.
Poppy: What is?
Aiyana: Oh, is she walking away?
Poppy: Yes.
Aiyana: Okay, yeah. She does that.
Poppy: Okay?

Poppy: Hey! Come back! You cost me like five thousand bucks!

Professor Lilly Welsh: Oh, hi! I guess we’re on a date, then? That makes more sense, I guess.
Poppy: More sense than “I just fell out of the sky for no reason”?
Lilly: Hey, I try to keep an open mind.
Gabe: No one expects…

Gabe: …THE SIMLISH IMPOSITION! Fada soola gor, fada soola bron…

Aiyana: Pretty good clusterfuck we’ve got going here.

I was going to say.

Poppy: So, are you rich? I don’t like to work, so I’m looking for a rich chick.

Lilly: On this salary? I have like twenty bucks in my pocket.

Poppy: Bullshit. Let me see your wallet.
Lilly: No!
Poppy: LET ME SEE YOUR WALLET!
Lilly: NO!

I’ve had dates like this.

I’ve ONLY had dates like this.

Mama said there’d be dates like this…

Yeah, okay, I’m done.

Poppy: Here’s a thought… how’s about you, and me…
Lilly: Teehee, yes?
Poppy: …go our separate ways and never speak of this again.

For when you need a car that announces what a bitch you are before you even open your mouth.

Hey, you’re cute! Are you a homo?

You ARE a homo! That’s awesome.

Poppy: Hi, I’m Poppy.
Opal Boyle: My name is Opal.
Poppy: Aren’t you just precious.
Opal: That was a terrible pun.
Poppy: Nice of you to notice.
Kenya Nanale: Hi! What the fuck is happening?

Aiyana: This is Kenya.
Poppy: What, the whole country?

No, stop. We’re not repeating jokes already.

Kenya: Okay, so I don’t know how I got here. I’m assuming your milkshake brought me to the yard?
Opal: Is that how that works? I’ve always wondered.

Neil Alioto: Hey, as long as your mouth is open…?

That’s just about the vilest thing any of my townies have ever done.

Neil: Hey, over here! Check out my penis.
Poppy: I have no use for your penis.
Neil: Why do they always say that? 🙁

Poppy: This ain’t no peep show, bitch.
Kenya: Man, I love elder abuse!

Poppy: Not bad, not bad. Are they real?

Poppy: So, this douchebag?
Kenya: Yeah?

Poppy: He lost a fight…

Poppy: …with my girlfriend!
Kenya: What the fuck? You have a girlfriend? Why are we even dating?!

Poppy: You try to leave and I’ll fuck you up, bitch.

Poppy: What was her problem?

Feeling left out, Conrad?

Daisy: You’ll have to clean yourself up a bit. My sister’s always gonna be the butch one, so you have to be the girly girl.

Opal: Hey, you used to live in Sharpe Residence, right? Did you hear about that criminal?

Opal: The one who killed like ten people? The cops came and everything.

Daisy: Um… yes. I hope the cops catch her. I am very much on the side of the cops in this matter.

Daisy: She should definitely go to jail. Even though I bet she didn’t mean to do what she did. She probably just got caught up in the moment. Pure accident. Not a bad person at all, I suspect.

Opal: I hear they’re going to put her to death if they catch her.

Opal: Because she’s a heartless murderer.

Daisy: Right. And we don’t like murder. Right? It’s a bad thing. I need to remember that. That’s important.

Daisy: Because I don’t want to go to jail. For murdering someone.

Opal: Right.

Opal: Because you’d be a murderer.

-awkward silence-

Opal: SURE HAS BEEN A BUSY SEMESTER EH

Opal: …I’m gonna go inside and see Poppy now.

Opal: OH HOLY SHIT YOU’RE NAKED
Poppy: Feel free to join.

Poppy: Invisible giant toothbrush!
Opal: SO HOT.

Ted: Flowers dropped off: check!

Ted: Ability to escape porch while flowers are blocking stairs: …in progress!

See, this is why she’s a professor and you’re just a coach.

You know what, never mind. You’re both imbeciles.

…”I brought you this Sunflowers” grumblemumble.

It’s all well and good to do this in the privacy of your own home, but try not to do it in public too much. Everybody you used to live with has undoubtedly memorized every contour of those tits.

But yeah, like I said, um, carry on.

Opal: I wonder what homework tastes like.

Can’t even justify this with a caption. You know why it’s here.

Christ, Opal, don’t get greedy.

Opal: I’M STUCK AND THERE’S A MAN OUTSIDE AND HE’S STUCK AND WE’RE BOTH GONNA DIIIIIIIIIIIE

Very possible.

Opal: I’m leaving now! I bet when I go outside, I’ll be able to leave! Because it’s time for me to leave!
Daisy: Good luck with that!

What is it with you and couches and nudity?

Ted: If I’m trapped here anyway I might as well rob the joint.

Oh, insurmountable waist-high fence.

Poppy: Huh. Flowers! How nice!

Ted: OH THANK CHRIST

Stop bawling. Get your shit and git.

Once again natural selection is averted.

What? Seriously? Leave the butterflies alone and fuck off!

Poppy: I would have preferred yellow.

YOU’LL TAKE WHAT I GIVE YOU AND YOU’LL LIKE IT.

Oh, hey. Cute cheerleader with a boycut. That’s promising!

Brittany: Fada soola gor! Fada soola bron!
Poppy: Cute, but retarded. I can probably live with that.

Mm. So can I.

Especially given your other options.

Amin: MAN. Twins.

Amin: I fuckin’ LOVE twins.

We get it.

Adorable. Except one of your is a filthy cheater and the other is a filthy murderer.

So, basically, not adorable at all.

I have had just about as much of your tiny penis as I can handle.

…that came out wrong.

Neil: Hey! Hey! Look! Hey! Listen! Look! Hey!

Dude! Stop it! You’re barking up the wrong lesbians!

Wait, what are you…?

Okay, how does that even work?

Poppy: Wanna see?

NO.

Also, are we on Tatooine now?

Yeah, I’m still having serious trouble getting my head around this one.

Amin: My life is without direction or meaning.

An excellent reason to have sex if ever I heard one.

By the way, everybody, this is why you landscape your neighbourhood terrain.

Hey, that’s better. At least it’s physically possible.

Daisy: Check my purse, see if my cellphone is in there.
Amin: Why?
Daisy: I think we need to call the cops.

Daisy: On second thought, let me back up. I’ll just run him over.

Somebody spent HOURS coding and testing this, you know.

Neil: Hey guys! Hey guys! Does anyone want to suck my dick?

Angel: He’s nothing if not persistent.
Poppy: Well, he’s also poorly endowed.
Angel: True, true.

Angel: Now get back to work.

Yeah! Sure. Whatever.

Angel: FOR THE LAST TIME I’M A LESBIAN
Amin: These… aren’t for you.
Angel: WELL WHY NOT

The thing about twins is that you shouldn’t be way hotter than your sister.

You’re totally stealing Daisy’s shtick.

Sleep the sleep of the fatally mislead, Poppy. I’m sure you’ll need the rest soon.

Next time: hmm. I barely remember. Let’s see… oh. More university crap. Well… see you then?

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published.