Welcome to the Pine Valley Chronicles, an ongoing neighbourhood story in The Sims 2!
Warning: this journal may contain uncensored nudity, violence, profanity and sexual themes.
Back in record time! What can I say, this update inspired me. You’ll see why soon enough.
I guess I have an announcement to make, which I’m sure I’ll soon regret:
UNTIL FURTHER NOTICE, THIS JOURNAL UPDATES EVERY MONDAY AND THURSDAY!
I’m serious. I’ve been writing like a man possessed, and I’m far enough ahead to make that promise for at least a few weeks.
We’ll see how long it lasts.
Last time in the Pine Valley Chronicles:
Yeah, that’s right, I’m making you read fake newspaper articles now. Perhaps that will finally result in somebody figuring out what I’m paying homage to.
So, did you read that update? You might have missed it because I didn’t start updating regularly again until… Monday. So if that didn’t sound familiar, check it out.
-Sharpe Residence, Mount Noble University-
(Where the sheep lie down with the serial killer)
Cecilia: Yeah, I’ve pretty much wiped the floor with those zombies.
It’s true. I count only five zombies left alive at MNU, which means Cecilia’s finally got some time on her hands for romantic pursuits.
Also, holy shit. This is like half of the students I originally generated. THE REST ARE DEAD.
Alon Majekodunmi (no, seriously): Teeheehee, stop it! Stop tickling me! Ahahahaha!
Cecilia: I’m not tickling you, I’m trying to pull out your intestines. Stop squirming.
Cecilia: You know, that seasick expression you’ve got going there really makes me hot.
Adriana: It’s hot in HELL
Alon: Oh baby, you’re making me blush!
Adriana: They blush in HELL
Man, I dunno. That face is almost worth the certain death which pursuing it brings.
Alon: What? What did you say? That sounded important.
Cecilia: Shh. You’ll find out soon enough.
It’s a shame, really. He’s just so precious.
What? What’s the problem?
Alon: My sixth sense just went off.
What does your sixth sense track?
Erin: What the fuck is this? Is that piss? Did she piss herself to death?
Rodney: I really hope not. That had better not be a thing. That would seriously be bad news for me.
Blazej: Same here.
Wendy: Oh my god my toetips are in piiiiiisssssssss :'(
Wendy: Seriously Mackenzie, take a fucking shower.
Wendy: Oh sure, make excuses for her.
The Grim Reaper: I SUPPOSE YOU’RE GOING TO TELL ME YOU HAD NOTHING TO DO WITH THIS.
Cecilia: Hey, you know me man. I’d be the first one to take credit if it was me.
The Grim Reaper: IF IT WASN’T YOU, THEN WHO KILLED HER?
Yeah… who could it be…
Well, you look oddly calm.
Cecilia: You know me. I don’t get angry. I get axes.
Jay Louie: I have NO idea what I’m doing with my life. NO fucking clue.
Tyson Midlock: I see, I see, very interesting.
Looking upon your works and despairing?
Cecilia: Actually, I was thinking about holding an exhibition of my “works.” Set it up someplace central, like, say… our dormitory.
What? You’re kidding, right?
Distractions won’t help you! Let’s get back to the whole tombstone thing, okay?
Knut: Hahaha, look at her go! This sure is taking my mind off anything else that might be about to happen!
Oh holy Christ. This is not going to end well.
Ashes, ashes everywhere, and not a drop to drink.
Payton Darga: This place seems different somehow. I can’t quite put my finger on it.
Must be all the blue assignment books.
Payton: Must be all the blue assignment books.
Okay, now think about this: every single one of these people was killed by Cecilia.
Gettin’ jiggy with the urns, Blazej?
Blazej: Necrophilia means never having to say you’re sorry.
Do you get good reception on that mailbox?
Cecilia: Oh, Alon, this is… so… incredibly uncomfortable.
Alon: What the hell is happening oh my god I’m so scared
Happiest conjoined twins EVER.
Alon: Whoah whoah WHOAH. We might be merging into a new and terrifying form of humanity, but I draw the line at kissy-poos.
Alon: I don’t even want to melt into your torso anymore.
Cecilia: Don’t say that! We can still ooze into the ground like that guy in Timecop!
Alon: You fucked that up for both of us, Cecilia!
Cecilia: Stop taking pictures, dammit, you’re making this last forever.
Alon: That was a singularly unpleasant experience.
Cecilia: You think that was bad?
Cecilia: TRY PULLING THIS OUT.
Alon: Wait! Cecilia! Wait!
Alon: I thought maybe we could talk about this!
Cecilia: BEGONE DEATHLESS ABOMINATION
Alon: I thought we had something!
Cecilia: We did! WE HAD AN AXE IN YOUR HEAD! Now shut up and die!
Alon: But you told me to try pulling it out!
Cecilia: PULLING OUT IS NOT AN EFFECTIVE METHOD OF PREVENTING DEATH
Alon: Please… give me one last chance…
Cecilia: You only die twice, buddy.
Alon: Not… in this… neighbourhood…
The Grim Reaper: WHY DID I JUST GET CALLED TWICE FOR THIS GUY?
Cecilia: I dunno, freaky bug.
The Grim Reaper: I RESENT BEING CALLED A FREAKY BUG WHY WOULD YOU EVEN
Cecilia: No, I’m sorry, I mean that it was a freaky bug where he didn’t die correctly the first time!
The Grim Reaper: OKAY BUT THAT REALLY HURT MY FEELINGS
Cecilia: I didn’t mean it that way, I’m really sorry!
The Grim Reaper: OKAY BUT YOU CAN’T TALK LIKE THAT TO ME OKAY I’M REALLY SENSITIVE SINCE BUNNY LEFT ME
The Grim Reaper: BY THE WAY, PEOPLE WILL PROBABLY BE CHECKING OUT THE SOURCE OF THAT GUNFIRE IN A FEW SECONDS.
Cecilia: Duly noted!
Wendy: I’m sure I heard something around the corner here…
Cecilia: Phew! Safe.
Erin: Must have been the wind.
The wind killed him? With an axe?
Erin: Sure. What? Sure.
Remodel time! Welcome to the Dorm of the Dead.
Suitably gothic, no?
Definitely a learning-condusive atmosphere.
Blazej: Is this freaking anybody else out?
Payton: Your hair is so clean and lustrous, Erin!
Erin: Hey, thanks! 🙂
Blazej: Only the whole dorm just turned black and evil and it’s freaking me out.
Payton: What shampoo do you use?
I bet technology services is in for a real surprise the next time they clean out the fans on those computers.
The wrath of a glorious and jealous god, no doubt.
(She’s kicking a flamingo.)
Erin: Hey Rishell, how’s it going? Sure is death around here lately, huh?
Payton: I’M STUCK
Cecilia: Way to lower the bar, Payton.
Payton: I’m STUUUUUUCCCKKK 🙁
Blazej: How do you eat this, anyway? Do I need to disconnect some wires or something?
I’ll be surprised if they survive until the ghosts can get at them, honestly.
Blazej: Oh, Payton… you’re so helpless, like a little lost puppy…
STUCK IN A CHAIR.
Blazej: Yeah, like a little lost puppy stuck in a chair. My tastes are oddly specific. What’s it to you?
Rodney: You know what really ties the room together?
I think I can guess.
Mmmmmmmmmmmmm. What were we talking about?
I bet you guys think that huge mass of flying rainbow crap is just Maxis being their usual cartoony exaggerated selves, right? You guys are fucking WRONG. I have a parrot, and let me tell you, this right here? This right here is SUBTLE UNDERSTATEMENT.
Foxy dorm maid, no less!
Wendy: I DON’T WANT TO KNOW WHAT YOU’RE DOING WITH THE DEAD PEOPLE
Cecilia: Then don’t watch.
Wendy: BUT I CAN’T LOOK AWAY
It’s too late. The rhythm has her now.
I can’t believe how ugly you used to be.
It’s almost enough to make me wish I was a dead guy in a jar.
Fuck. It is enough.
Skylar: Shake it, baby! A little to the left. Ohhh yeah.
Elle: Ugh. Where does all this water come from?
Rishell: Yeah, it must be TERRIBLE to have to do people’s hard labour for them.
Are you implying SimSlavery? Somehow I don’t think that’s part of the setting.
Rishell: Goddamn whitefolk revisionism.
Holy shit, Rishell, does she smell that bad?
Here we see a brief shot of the elusive Ally Ternynck, beating the shit out of someone. Which is her natural habitat.
Yes, beating the shit out of someone is her natural habitat. I meant what I said.
Christ, it’s a good thing you’re pretty.
Actually, if you pass out in the dorm a lot… maybe it’s not a good thing you’re pretty.
Sure, rape isn’t supposed to be part of the setting either… but allow me to refer you to the case of the demon llamas.
The Secret Society is empty, and all the ghost zombies are here.
Nicholas: I’m gonna beat the SHIT out of your FAMILY.
Blazej: You go do that. Celebrity Blowjobs is on.
Rodney: Were you just in Sharlene’s room? Did you just have ghost sex with Sharlene?
Cecilia: You’re treading on very thin ice right now, Trevor.
Trevor: Why? It’s not like you can kill me TWICE.
Cecilia: Do you honestly believe that?
Trevor: Nice asses make me POUTY.
The Grim Reaper: WHO DOES YOUR HAIR?
So… the ghosts are stalking people and killing them.
The walls have eyes. And a mouth, and a nose, and cufflink-adjusting hands.
And a stupid haircut.
Rishell: Waaugh! Back off, ghostface! You don’t know who you messin’ with!
Cecilia: AAAAA! Bowlcut from beyond the grave!
Nicholas Rodiek: Hey, I’m new here! What’s this dorm like? Are those urns?
Cecilia: AAAAAA! This plan is backfiring hilariously!
Cecilia: The plan to let the ghosts kill my annoying pants-pissing dormmates!
Oh, that plan.
Yeah, I think you’re right. If anything they’re just pissing their pants more.
Erin: I don’t even wear pants.
You’ve probably pissed them all away.
Cecilia: THERE ARE SIXTEEN OTHER PEOPLE IN THIS DORM KEVIN CAN’T YOU GO BOTHER THEM
Cecilia: If I piss myself I will END THE WORLD.
I believe you.
Nicholas: Whoah! Holy crap! I just pissed myself! That’s just SO AWESOME, DUDE!
To each his own, I guess.
Nicholas: Man. Pissed myself on my first day in the new dorm. I gotta go call my mom, dude, she’s gonna be so proud.
Mopping carpet! Nothing can go wrong with this plan.
Erin: Um… hey, who pissed on the floor over here?
It was you.
Erin: Heh, of course it wasn’t me. Well, whoever did it had better speak up!
It was you.
Erin: Because I’m definitely not cleaning up this piss that isn’t mine!
Ally: Fada soola gor!
Rodney: Two people died yesterday.
Ally: Fada soola bron!
Rodney: What I am trying to tell you is that I’m not feeling school cheer right now.
Ally: Fada soola oga vaby gonk gonk gonk!
Rodney: What does that shit even mean?
Ally: Gerbits! GERBITS! Voooooo GERBITS!
Rodney: Yeah, terrific, wonderful. I hope the ghosts eat you next.
Ally: LET THE FUCKERS TRY.
Rodney: Now seriously, go away.
Rodney: Your form was terrible and your eyes need default replacements.
Ally: Sheesh. Somebody needs a celebrity blowjob.
Ally: Whoah, way to up the stinky quotient, Erin!
Rodney: Don’t listen to her, she’s just mad because WHOAH yeah take a shower girl, damn.
Cecilia: I want someone attractive.
Cecilia: Someone ACTUALLY ATTTRACTIVE.
Felicia: Got it.
Cecilia: Physical appearance is what we’re looking for here. I guess that’s what I’m trying to say.
Felicia: Message received!
I’m not at all sure that it was, actually.
Nicholas: Lady, maybe you’d better leave.
Felicia: What, and miss the date?
Nicholas: Would you rather be missing your head?
Felicia: I’d like to see the bitch TRY and match me in a good ol’ contest of fisticuffs!
Cecilia: Is she real? Can you see her too?
Cecilia: Yeah, so this is awkward. I was thinking maybe I could handcuff you, put you in a sack, and throw you in the river. Is that cool with you?
Phoenix Chin (no, seriously): I’ll be honest, I’ve never been on a date before. Is that how it usually goes?
Cecilia: I’ll be honest, I’ve never been on a date that didn’t end that way.
Felicia: Ghost cow?
Felicia: They seem to be getting along well.
Oh yeah, “oooh, ahhh.” That’s how it always starts. Then later there’s running, and screaming.
Ugh, I wouldn’t put that thing in my mouth. You don’t know where it’s been.
Cecilia: Somebody’s basement, I’m guessing.
Ally: FADA SOOLA GOR!
Gabe: FADA SOOLA BRON!
Phoenix: They’re playing our song!
Ally: Aw yeah, Cecilia gettin’ her jiggy on!
Phoenix: Are you trying to melt us into the ground like that dude from Timecop? I’m not ready for that kind of commitment!
Saved by the doorbell.
Professor Leo Lim: I don’t think we’ve met.
Cecilia: I know, and that’s a damn shame. I’ve been wanting to shoot most of my professors for a long time now.
Phoenix: Hey, are we shooting profs now? Awesome! That’s my favourite frosh week event.
You wanna watch where you’re walking?
I’m sure he’ll be fine. Rise from the ashes and all that.
Blazej: Um… what the fuck? Somebody order two dead people?
Ally: Two dead people? Cecilia! Cecilia! You’re over there somewhere, aren’t you!
Gabe: Fada soola gor!
Wendy: You can’t die now, Phoenix! They’re playing your song!
Gabe: BAM! On the floor, bitch! This is a beatdown!
Blazej: What the fuck?!
I’m seeing this a lot lately.
The Grim Reaper: DOES THIS ONE EVEN LIVE HERE?
Payton: I don’t… think so? It’s getting kind of hard to keep track.
The Grim Reaper: GOD DAMMIT.
Amaya: I JUST MOVED IN AND NOW I’M DEAD
And you’re probably better off that way. At least you didn’t piss yourself.
Amaya: YEAH MY GHOST PANTS ARE CLEAN SO MY GLASS IS HALF FULL RIGHT? ASSHOLE
Jan: OMG I’M DEAD :'(
That doesn’t make you special around here.
Addison: OMG I’M DEAD :'(
Come on! Where’s the badass murdering ghosts I was learning to love?
That’s more like it!
Wendy: AAAAAAAAAAAA THIS PARROT IS SCARY
Wendy: -smashes her face through the cage- I’VE SEEN A GHOST!
Laci III: And I’ve seen a stupid bitch all up in my beakspace! SQUAWK!
Jay: I don’t see any ghosts. I just see Blazej’s face and a puddle of piss.
Cecilia: Which is nothing unusual.
Jay: Which is nothing unusual.
Clarence: Yeah! Video games!
I think you’re in a different story.
Payton: OH NO A GHOST hey you’re kinda cute 🙂
Payton: Why can’t I meet any nice live girls 🙁
Apparently changing the floor tiles inside accomplished this outside.
I don’t know either.
Cecilia: You know what Baudelaire says about chess…
Blazej: Heh heh… oh, you scamp.
What have you guys done with my irreverent ghost story? Give it back!
Whew. You had me going for a moment there.
Payton: AAAAAAA quick what’s your number?!
Blazej: Sorry, I have to go do something.
Cecilia: Is that something pissing yourself?
Blazej: I prefer to keep an aura of mystery around me.
Cecilia: Are you sure it’s not an aura of stink? From pissing yourself?
I bet her dates end so quickly because everyone thinks she looks hot when she’s angry so they try to make her angry right away and it all goes downhill from there.
Cecilia: The main flaw in that theory is the assumption that I wouldn’t kill them after five minutes even if I was having a good time.
Payton: I’m supposed to feel something here, right? Like, anything at all? This is the right spot, right?
Payton: Jan! I’m coming, baby!
Clarence: I was gonna ask him if he wanted to play SSX9 🙁
Blazej: WHY! Why do all the hot ones DIE?!
Clarence: Oh well bra. Guess I’ll go smoke up in my room instead.
Clarence: Hey sweetcheeks! Keepin’ it on the down low?
Cecilia: You might want to keep your eyes forward.
Clarence: Huh? Why?
Clarence: HOLY SHIT WHAT A SCARY BIRD
The invisible ghost strikes again, apparently.
Jan: NOW I HAVE TO START A GHOST FAMILY WITH PAYTON
That’s a bad thing?
Jan: MY FACE AND VOICE ARE STUCK THIS WAY ALRIGHT
Jan: Shit, no, that’s just spaghetti. False alarm.
Tyson: I’m pretty sure that’s not a legal move.
Cecilia: I’m pretty sure you’re too afraid of me to challenge it.
Tyson: I’m pretty sure you’re right.
Tazama Vijayakar: Hey, a gypsy! That’s awesome. I’m gonna go lock my door.
Cecilia: So, let’s get a few things straight this time. I want someone well-suited to my lifestyle.
Cecilia: Somebody without a grade-school bowlcut.
Felicia: Nobody from school. Okay.
Cecilia: Somebody with similar interests.
Felicia: Evil. Right.
Cecilia: Somebody I can grow old with.
Felicia: Old. Got it.
Look, up there in the sky!
It’s a bird!
It’s a plane!
It’s HOLY FUCK NO
Felicia: This is Sullivan. He’s a butler.
THIS CANNOT BE HAPPENING.
Cecilia: Um… pleased to meet you?
Sullivan: Of courrrrrrse you arrrrrrre.
So, um… that’s a pretty horrifying development, wouldn’t you say? Next update: it gets worse. No, seriously. It gets worse. See you on Monday!