The Pine Valley Chronicles, Chapter Twenty-Eight

Welcome to the Pine Valley Chronicles, an ongoing neighbourhood story in The Sims 2!
Warning: this journal may contain uncensored nudity, violence, profanity and sexual themes.

Click Here for Previous Entries!
Last time in the Pine Valley Chronicles…

…it was three months ago.

Since you were wondering, no, I haven’t quit. Not even nearly. I just haven’t had any spare time lately. I still don’t, really, but I’m making a special case for you because we’re so tight.

This update is stupid-long; I make no apology for that, because it’s been a while, you’ve missed me terribly, and you need your death and nudity fix.

You perverts.

This update is solely focused on Cecilia, so instead of your regularly scheduled cast list…
…check out this nifty little Sharpe/Phelps family tree!

Jordan: Hi Rodney!
Payton: Are you gonna eat me, or what? I haven’t got all day.

Cecilia: I’m worried about Rodney.

What? Why? That doesn’t sound like you.

Cecilia: If he dies on his own, I won’t be able to kill him.

Were you gonna kill him?

Cecilia: Not necessarily, but I like to know it’s there, you know?

I was beginning to think you weren’t going to notice her.

Holy SHIT. Are you real?

Cecilia: I love the smell of rotting flesh in the morning. Smells like… well, like rotting flesh, really, you can’t defend that stench from a purely olfactory standpoint, but it carries certain metaphorical implications which are pleasing to me.

Cecilia: Can I use your heartphone, Jerome?
Jerome: Girls always want to use my heartphone but they never want to keep it 🙁

Cecilia: Yeah, I just thought I’d call and let you know that we’re having a zombie party over here. You’re a zombie, so you’re invited. It’s gonna be lots of fun.
The Grim Reaper: IS THAT GUY OKAY? HE’S BEEN SLEEPING FOR A LONG TIME.

Cecilia: Hm? Oh, that ominous voice? That’s just the garbageman.
The Grim Reaper: I RESENT YOUR ACCURATE METAPHOR.
Blazej: Man, more dead people? Who keeps ordering these things?

Cecilia: No, that’s alright, I understand. It’s hard to keep the drool off the receiver when your lips have rotted off. I’ll wait, if you want to go get a towel or something.
Ted: OH MY GOD A NAKED WOMAN MY DEEPEST DARKEST FEAR

Ted: If I’m quiet she won’t see me.

Okay.

Ted: They can smell your fear.

Okay.

Aurora: Well, this is gonna be easy.

Looks like it might be.

Aurora: Wow, that was easy! I got right past her without having to walk on the grass!

…what.

Cecilia: -bites off Aurora’s ear-

Cecilia: LEAD IN YOUR FAAAACE
Aurora: NOT IN MY FAAAACE I NEED THAT
Jerome: Oh, hey! Long time, no see! What’s new?
Aurora: I’M DYING
Jerome: So true, so true.

Jerome: Oh, hey Cecilia, I didn’t see you there!
Aurora: SHE’S SHOOTING A MACHINE GUN FOR CHRISSAKE!
Jerome: She’s pretty much always doing that. You stop noticing after a while.
Aurora: IT DOESN’T WORK THAT WAY AT ALLLLL
Blazej: -cameo-

Jerome: Man, it is so sexy the way you-
-THUCK-
Jerome: -just shot me in the shoulder.

Cecilia: OH SHIT SORRY JEROME I DIDN’T MEAN TO SHOOT YOU!
Jerome: THEN WHY ARE YOU STILL SHOOTING ME?!
Cecilia: YOU CAN’T STOP THE MUSIC!

Joy: I feel bad for the zombie.
Blazej: Yeah, poor zombie.
Payton: What’s this? More anti-zombie atrocities?
Jerome: HELLLLP

Cecilia: Hey, Danielle? It’s Cecilia. Cecilia Phelps? My brother fucked you that one time? Yeah.
The Grim Reaper: MAN, THE SHIT I HAVE TO SLOG THROUGH SOMETIMES…
Rodney: That’s piss, actually. In fact, it’s my piss.
The Grim Reaper: YOU’RE TALKING TO AN ANTHROPOMORPHIC PERSONIFICATION OF YOUR CULTURE’S SHALLOW CONCEPTION OF MORTALITY. WOULD IT KILL YOU TO BE A LITTLE MORE OPEN TO METAPHOR?

Cecilia: Hey, I lost you for a second there. What were you saying?
The Grim Reaper: YOU’RE SCREWING UP MY RECEPTION SOMETHING FIERCE, YOU KNOW THAT?

Cecilia: Well if you can’t come over right away, you might want to wait a few hours. I think I might be going to jail? I kinda just shot someone to death. No, just a regular dude. Got caught up in the moment, you know?
Avri Leelaporn: Were these always here?

Cecilia: And also I think I’m gonna have to stuff this guy into a suitcase.

Cecilia: Oh god. He might be a mime.

Danielle: I like mimes…
Cecilia: -minus-

Lucky douchebag.

Cecilia: Yeah, I dunno, I should be in handcuffs by now.

Cecilia: Just a second, I think this asshole wants me to murder him.

Alon Tan: She handled that tactfully.
Cecilia: Alright, I’ll see you in a minute!

Cecilia: LITTLE DID SHE KNOW THAT MINUTE WOULD BE HER LAST!
Danielle: THIRD PERSONED TO DEATH OH NOES
Wendy: Oh shit, bullet time! I love this game.

Wendy: -becomes one with the Matrix-

Wendy: ‘k, later.
Danielle: HUAAARGGHH
Wendy: Right back atcha.

Rarely has so bad looked so good.

Cecilia: Alright, second verse, same as the first.

Cecilia: Hey, is this… who is this, actually? You’re all running together at this point.
Joy: What’s happening out here?
Blazej: Death.
Erin: Again.
Joy: Oh, well screw that then. I’m going to class.

Joy: Mmm. Mmmmm. What is that you smell of, Cecilia?
Cecilia: DANGER.

The Pine Valley Chronicles, Chapter Twenty-Eight, guest starring Conrad Downie as Dave Lister!

Conrad: So, you’re just… gonna stand there? In your own filth?
Rodney: Somebody’s gotta do it.
Conrad: No. No, I really don’t think that’s the case. I really don’t think that’s the case at all.

Ally: I’m on to you. I’m watching you.
Cecilia: It sounds like you’re doing a cheer.
Ally: My cheers are specially designed to not preclude watching you.
Cecilia: Me in particular?
Ally: YES.
Cecilia: Just making sure.

There are a hundred school cheers in the city at night. This is one of them.

Allison Turner: What a beautiful night…
Daryl: Braaaainnnnnsssssss…
Allison: Well, that part goes without saying, honey.

Cecilia: Hey, how you doing? Even slightly aware of your mortality?
Allison: What do you mean?
Cecilia: I mean YOUR FUCKING ZOMBIE BOYFRIEND, stupid!
Allison: We use protection. When he kiss, he pulls out right before he gets to my brain.

Cecilia: Right, hey cool, that’s disgusting. Fucking zombie!

Cecilia: Fucking die!

Cecilia: I’m so badass, it hurts when I sit down.
Blazej: Oh god what is that horrible thing?

What are you doing?

Cecilia: Just stopping to smell the roses.

Of death?

Cecilia: Yeah. The roses of death.

Okay.

Cecilia: Take your time, guys. Please.

Cecilia: ‘cuz things will get really complicated if you see what happens next.

Cecilia: HEY TRAITOR, TIME TO VISIT YOUR BOYFRIEND!

Allison: BUT I ALREADY SAW HIM ONCE TONIGHT

Cecilia: What’s happening, guys? Been on my phone this whole time. Yep.
Ally: Your hair looks RIDICULOUS, Alon.

The Grim Reaper: I JUST KNOW JACK THOMPSON IS GOING TO MISINTERPRET THIS.

Cecilia: Hm? Oh, that’s Ally. Yeah, she’s a cheerleader. No, don’t bother waiting, she’s gonna be there for a long time. She’s watching me. Yes, I know it is, and I told her that already. She’s doing it anyway.

Arianna: This is CRAP. I didn’t deserve to die; I should be married to William and pregnant and graduating and happy. Someone should pay for this.

Cecilia: College is great! I killed like a million people for very poor reasons! Hahahaha!

Arianna: TARGET ACQUIRED.

Cecilia: I’ve been thinking about branching out. Other people are already using guns and axes, I think I need to develop my own thing. I was thinking maybe bombs.

Cecilia: BOOOOOOOOOOM! Hahaha. Bombs.

Cecilia: That was a good conversation.

Okay.

Cecilia: Dammit, why is there always somebody at the microwave when you need to use it?
Arianna: I AM NOT SOMEBODY. I have no body… I am nobody. 🙁

Arianna: OH SURE WALK RIGHT THROUGH ME LIKE I’M NOBODY

Arianna: I am going. to CUT. a BITCH.

Arianna: OOOGABOOGA HAUNTED NOODLES

Cecilia: OMG HAUNTED NOODLES I LOVE THOSE

Arianna: TABLE OF DOOOOOOOM
Cecilia: CUT IT OUT OKAY I WANT TO EAT MY HAUNTED NOODLES

She hasn’t stopped following Cecilia since she popped out of her tombstone.

Arianna: OOOOOOO HAUNTED-
Cecilia: IF YOU SAY HAUNTED BED I WILL KILL YOUR FUCKING GHOST
Arianna: Haunted… sheets? Forget it, the moment has passed. Thanks a lot.

Arianna: REVENGE OF THE HAUNTED SHEETS
Cecilia: PLEASE STOP

Erin is funky in many ways.

She often fails to shower.

Talk about your misleading appearances.

Geoffrey: Hey.
Cecilia: Hey.

Geoffrey: ‘sup?
Cecilia: Nammuch, you?
Geoffrey: Nammuch.

Cecilia: -farts-
Geoffrey: That’s disgusting.

Cecilia and Geoffrey: -kiss cheeks-

I have no idea what’s going on.

Okay, now this I understand.

Cecilia: Hey, can I get you anything? Cup of coffee? Haunted noodles?
The Grim Reaper: I’M GOOD, BUT THANK YOU FOR ASKING.

Rodney: I’m on sighing duty. -sighs-

Nawwaf Welsh the Dirty Ginger Streaker: Hey, death and a gay dude! This is my kind of party!

Cecilia: Can you repeat that? I can’t hear you over the sound of EVERYBODY IN THE ENTIRE WORLD ALL AT ONCE. OKAY! GUYS! LEAVE ME ALONE!

Whoa. Are you Dr. Manhattan?

Doesn’t this ever get boring for you?

Cecilia: Do your hobbies get boring for you?

Cecilia: Erin! We’re in public! That’s so rude.
Machinegun: -dakkadakkadakka-

Erin: Why me?

Because you’re too stupid to piss when you need to piss.

Erin: I know, it’s so unfair.

Cecilia: Don’t wave that thing at me. These are designer jeans, and you’re not getting your slough on them.

I comprehend your meaning, but slough is entirely the wrong word to use here.

Cecilia: I have a machinegun. I’m never wrong.

Good point, well made.

STOP DOING CREEPY SHIT IN THE BACKGROUND.

Cecilia: What, with my hands? That’s disgusting. Why do you think I have a machinegun? You didn’t know that I have a machinegun? Forget that I said that I have a machinegun.

Cecilia: Yes Marylena, I suppose it’s possible that they could find a cure for zombiism and I wouldn’t have to shoot you to death. But it’s also possible that a genie might fly out of my goddamned ass.

Is it, though? Is it really?

Cecilia: Just a second, I have to move. Rodney might be about to piss on me.

Fashion is dead.

Cecilia: Hey, that’s really sad!
Marylena: What is?
Cecilia: I wouldn’t be caught dead in that! AHAHAHAHAHAH. Because I’m gonna kill you. Get it? AHAHA. Also you’re already dead, pretty much.

She’s William’s sister, all right.

Marylena: OH MY GOD DON’T SHOOT ME
Cecilia: Girl, you knew I was gonna shoot you. I told you I was gonna shoot you. Why did you even come over when I called?
Marylena: Game rules. The power of friendship compels me…

Payton: That lead is soooo hot.

Cecilia: -smashes her arm casually through a brick wall-

And yet the Llama is still the scariest thing going.

The point, MORON, is to BEFRIEND them so they’ll COME OVER so you can KILL THEM.

Cecilia: He was telling me about his antique telegraph pole collection.

Okay, so maybe you’re justified.

These zombies have got some serious Ministry of Silly Walks going on, don’t they?

You bored yet?

The Grim Reaper: I AM.

Cecilia: Hello?
The Grim Reaper: HI.
Cecilia: The hell? You’re right behind me! Why are you calling me on my cell?
The Grim Reaper: SO YOU CAN’T CALL ANY MORE GODDAMN ZOMBIES TO KILL. I NEED A BREAK, DAMMIT.

Still, the zombies helps those who helps themselves.

Curtis: Androssss…

Real Andross, though, not the one from the easy path through Bolse.

Curtis: Riiiiight.

Okay, this one should be good. Let’s watch.

Yes.

HAHAHA, yes!

SWEET. That was awesome.

Cecilia: I love my work.
The Grim Reaper: I USED TO.

I’m not gonna pretend to understand your complaints anymore.

I… don’t understand anything anymore, actually.

Teddy the Garbage Sentry: -is ever vigilant-

Hey, what are you doing? This isn’t the sidewalk!

Gabe the Devil Llama: Man, I am feeling SO RAPEY right now.

Gabe the Devil Llama: Oh boy, a present!

Gabe the Devil Llama: She was stone cold asleep, I bet she didn’t feel anything.
Cecilia: I bet she wouldn’t have felt anything if she was awake, either.
Gabe the Devil Llama: Heheheh. Heh. Wait.

I don’t need an excuse.

Cecilia: Why the fuck won’t my door open?

-three hours later-

Cecilia: Don’t even say anything, just STAY RIGHT THERE.

Well, this is all kinds of bad just waiting to bad.

That look really, really doesn’t suit you. At all.

…okay, kinda.

Joy: If I stare at the box of axes, I will know where the axes are and the axes will therefore not magically appear in my forehead.

Cecilia: That’s one theory, sure.
Joy: Curse you, decoy box of axes!

Nolan: I’m just gonna zombie over here for a while. Let me know when you’re done.
Cecilia: Will do.

Cecilia: THIS IS FOR SITTING IN FRONT OF MY DOOR
Mackenzie: Isn’t that a bit extreme? You’re becoming a parody of yourself.
Cecilia: I AM NOT IN THE MOOD FOR INTROSPECTION OKAY

Cecilia: Somebody better be picking that up. I’m not picking that up.

It’s Joy’s. You just killed her. The least you could do is pick it up.

Cecilia: Screw off. I killed her so I would have less Joy-related things to do.

Cecilia: Oh holy HELL you’re hideous.
Nolan: How can you tell through my costume?
Cecilia: Oh… oh! That’s a costume! That explains so much. I was wondering what was wrong with Gabe.
Nolan: No, see, Gabe is a Devil Llama. I’m just a grad student with bills.
Cecilia: I’m so disappointed and scared right now.

Mackenzie: This is like… the walking tour of the dead.
Cecilia: Hey, I like that! Write it down.
Mackenzie: What if I don’t? Gonna kill me too, SimPicasso?
Cecilia: Don’t get snarky. It doesn’t suit you.

Cecilia: Hi, Chelsea.
Chelsea: Hey. I have a problem, and I was wondering if you could help me.
Cecilia: I’d say that’s just about inevitable, now.

Chelsea: So, Peter thinks William hates him, and it’s really bugging him, and you’re William’s sister, so he sent me to see if you could IS THE GRIM REAPER BEHIND ME

Chelsea: HOLY SHIT CECILIA DON’T THROW THAT AXE OUT THE WINDOW!
Cecilia: I’m checking my sights, gimme a break.

-whuck-

Like mother, like daughter.

Cecilia, naturally, is wracked with guilt.

I don’t think I like this new dance.

Cecilia: Oh, I’m such an artist. Teehee!
Wendy: Most artists don’t paint the same picture over and over and over again.
Cecilia: I don’t think I like this whole “deadpan homeworking peanut gallery” thing.

The Grim Reaper: DEATH HAS BEEN LACKING A CERTAIN SUBTLE DIGNITY LATELY.

Mackenzie: WHY WON’T PEOPLE STOP DYING LONG ENOUGH FOR ME TO DO MY HOMEWORK

Blazej: Hey, wow, it’s Famous Artisté Chelsea Price!

Blazej: Look at me, everybody! I’m dancing with Famous Artisté Chelsea Price!

Blazej: Finally, something to tell my grandchildren about!

It’s quite the Danse Macabre.

Hey, that was a really good one.

Jay: Wow, you’re dancing with Famous Artisté Chelsea Price! Way to go, Blazej!
Chelsea: Goodbye, cruel world!
Jay: Shut up dude, I’m trying to watch Blazej dance with Famous Artisté Chelsea Price!

Cecilia: I have had enough of your low-key surreptitious cheering!

Cecilia: Get ready for the kiss of death, asshole.

Payton: For some reason I feel like I should look up and sharply to the right.

That is a brilliant idea.

Where is that oncoming traffic when you need it?

Payton: Hey, it’s Cecilia murdering someone! Nice! I love this place!

The Grim Reaper: WELL… I PREFER TO USE THE CROSSWALK… I SHOULD GET HAZARD PAY FOR THIS.

The Grim Reaper: MM, IT’S LIKE SINKING YOUR FEET INTO A NICE WARM PAIR OF WOOLEN SLIPPERS.
Cecilia: Can’t stay to chat, gotta go to class, bye!
The Grim Reaper: IT’S OKAY. WHEN YOU CAN’T STOP FOR DEATH, HE KINDLY STOPS FOR YOU.

Just to remind you that she’s at college.

Alon: How are you making that big a mess? Our showers are identical.
Cecilia: Inherent messiness.
Alon: That doesn’t make any sense.
Cecilia: Such is SimLife.

Alon: I usually get dressed after a shower, but I approve of your alternative methodology.

Cecilia: I don’t even know whose piss that is anymore.

Best. Framehands. Ever.

…maybe second-best.

Cecilia: Hi! You must be the gypsy matchmaker.
Felicia Thompson: I am, but I’m a little confused. Why do you need a matchmaker with those smokin’ hot tits?
Cecilia: I think you need to dial up the “gypsy” a bit, and take it easy on the “matchmaker.”
Felicia: Okay, thanks. It’s a balancing act, you know. Very delicate.
Cecilia: Right.
Felicia: By the way, I think my granddaughter Joy lives in this dorm. Maybe you’re friends with her?
Cecilia: …um. Let’s talk about that later.

Cecilia: So basically, my wish list is as follows: I want a hot dude.
Felicia: First of all, that is hardly a list. Second of all, you’re dressed all of a sudden?
Cecilia: Is that a complaint?
Felicia: Which one?

STOP TAKING UP MY UPDATE SPACE WITH INANE CONVERSATIONS

Felicia: Who was THAT?
Cecilia: Yelling narrator guy. He pretty much just narrates and yells.

Felicia: So, paper or plastic?

Felicia: …okay, LOTS of paper. That’s the best possible payment choice.

Felicia: In your future, I see… a crystal ball with many sparkles.
Cecilia: I am beginning to suspect that you can only see the very immediate future.

Cecilia: Whoah! MONDO sparkles. Is that good?
Felicia: That depends.
Cecilia: On what?
Felicia: On whether or not you like sparkles.

Felicia: Success! This dude is PERFECT for you. You’re gonna love him.
Cecilia: I’m dying to meet him!
Felicia: You’re not gonna finish the pun?
Cecilia: Eh?
Felicia: “And there’s a good chance he’ll be dying when he meets me, too” or something like that?
Cecilia: Have you been reading the Pine Valley Chronicles?

STOP GETTING YOUR META ALL UP IN MY LIVEJOURNAL

Felicia: There it is again!

Matthew Huerta: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

-WHACK-

Felicia: This is, um… he’s a pizza delivery guy.
Cecilia: What was your first clue?
Felicia: I ordered a pizza once and he delivered it.
Cecilia: Have you ever heard of rhetorical questions?
Felicia: Is that a rhetorical question?

Cecilia: .oO(Mmm… you can deliver my pizza any time.)
Matthew: Are you thinking something gross? Only it looks like you’re thinking something gross. And there are eight of you.

Cecilia: I was gonna ask you out to dinner, but I kinda felt like pizza and I guess that’s out of the WHY ARE YOU STILL HERE LADY JESUS

Matthew: HAHAHAH JESUS THAT’S A GOOD ONE
Cecilia: No, really, are you going to leave at some point?

Cecilia and Matthew: -kicky bag-
Felicia: ALL ACCORDING TO PLAN.

Trapped in a wall of hotness, Matthew doesn’t know how to react.

That is, until instinct takes over.

Spontaneous double date!

Spontaneous kicky bag party!

Wendy: GO THE FUCK TO BED ALREADY

Cecilia: Mmm… oh…

Matthew: Wait, wait… kiss AND hug? At the same time?

Matthew: I am NOT that kind of pizza delivery person!

Cecilia: Aw! And we were getting along so well, too.

Matthew: Can we still be friends?
Cecilia: Lifelong.

Cecilia: Your life.

She has got some serious axespace.

Matthew: This is still the best date I’ve ever been on.

Cecilia is broken-hearted, as you might imagine.

Nude victory dance?

Cecilia: I’m trying to mix things up, keep the thrill alive. In honour of Matthew’s memory.
Rodney: Well done! Wait, Matthew’s dead? Wait, who’s Matthew? Well done anyway!

I concur, well done anyway.

But you can’t please everybody.

Rishell: Please just shoot me.

That can be arranged.

That is one fucking ugly painting.

Cecilia: I dare you to incarnate and say that to my face.

Pass.

Laci III: RAPE!
Cecilia: …and then?
Laci III: MURDER!
Cecilia: Good bird.

College.

Alon: Hey stupid, what are you doing?

Alon: That is one fucking ugly painting.

That’s what I said!

I’m immortal, though.

Gabe the Devil Llama: Sometimes reality is better than television.

Gabe the Devil Llama: She killed him with an axe! She axed him in the head!

Gabe the Devil Llama: She axed him and she’ll axe you and you’ll both be DEAD! Murder! MURDER! GOOOOOOO MURDER!
Rodney: I DON’T KNOW WHAT THAT MEEEEANS

Rodney goes invisible to kill the pain.

Mackenzie: Who’s a pretty bird? Are you a pretty bird?
Laci III: SQUAWK rape and murder SQUAWK
Mackenzie: Well sure, but who has the time?

SERIOUSLY.

Erin: Well, somebody likes macaroni…

Erin: Umpfcshully, umph’s prumpy goob.

Cecilia’s artistic skills are improving.

Erin: Uuurgh… I think Rishell put arsenic in the mac and cheese again…

What a desolate place this is.

That’s better.

I’ve never been so terrified and so happy at the same time before.

Cecilia: Yeah, just finished my exams, and I’m all set up for next semester. Wanna come over? We can play “catch.” Heh heh… eh? Air quotes? What air quotes? You’re imagining things. See you soon.

That was fun. I hope you agree. If not, I might get Cecilia to keep a few spare axes around. Do you dare take that chance?

Next update, whenever it comes, will… bah, I’ll just keep you in suspense. Hopefully not for as long as last time…

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