The Pine Valley Chronicles, Chapter Twenty-Seven

Welcome to the Pine Valley Chronicles, an ongoing neighbourhood story in The Sims 2!
Warning: this journal may contain uncensored nudity, violence, profanity and sexual themes.

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Last time in the Pine Valley Chronicles…

A goodly portion of the zombies at Mount Noble University met their ends (with axe ends embedded in their foreheads).

Well, let’s get ‘er done.


What’s your problem?

Tyler: Huh?

Well, not to put too fine a point on it, but everyone else jogging around in the buff seems to be “standing at attention” if you get my meaning.

Tyler: Oh, that. My doctor calls it “erectile necrosis.” It means-

IT’S BEEN NICE TALKING TO YOU TYLER

I wonder if there are any safety code violations involved with having outdoor bedrooms directly behind helicopter rotors…

Probably not. Would you be worried about people like this getting chopped up?

Kaylynn: -stares at the only empty shelf in the entire fridge-

You know, there’s some toaster pastries right there on the fucking counter. Sure, they’re burned, but you probably don’t have any taste buds left anyway.

Kaylynn: IT’S A TRAP.

Okay.

Stephen Boyle: Wow, it’s like you’re an older, less awesome, stupid-video-game-costume-wearing zombie version of me!
Bradley: I can close some of those gaps for you, if you want.
Stephen: Oh my god! You mean you’d loan me your stupid video game costume?!

Stephen and Bradley: SAME HAIR HIGH FIVE!

Stephen: So where are all the hot bitches at?
Bradley: They’re behind you, waiting to eat your brains.
Stephen: Oh, you kidder!

Stephen: Whoah, hold on baby! I’m enough man to go around!
Kaylynn: You’d better be, I’m famished.

I don’t mean to be a smartass or anything, Kaylynn, but there’s a perfectly good live Sim right behind you.

Kaylynn: Oh, you know how it is. When your heart is set on junk food, Caribbean just won’t do.

Peter: Who didn’t get fed today? Is it you? Is it stupid ugly bitchface you? It is! It IS you! -poink-

Peter: I bet you starve to death within the week, you useless slut! Ahahahaha!

Peter: Hey, everybody, look who it is! Slutty McUseless! Ahahahaha!
Kaylynn: These performance reviews have been going straight to shit ever since the recession started.

Oh, that makes sense. Nobody wants burned pastries, but burned rancid pastries are a fucking zombie delicacy. That’s ethnic food for you.


FRIDAY: Query: Master (Designate: Prime) Abigail? Master (Designate: Prime) Abigail? Are you here, Master (Designate: Prime) Abigail?
Abigail: If you don’t cut that shit out soon I’m gonna rip out your voice unit.

FRIDAY: Comment: Ah, there you are, Mas-… um… Mrs. Abigail.
Abigail: Uh-huh.
FRIDAY: Comment: I see you are crafting something.
Abigail: Uh-huh.
FRIDAY: Query: Might I inquire as to what that something might be?
Abigail: No. We done?
FRIDAY: Response: Negative, Mrs. Abigail. I came to inform you that I am prepared to travel to Master (Designate: Secondary) Andrew’s house to aid in the discovery of the necrobiotic plague’s retrovirus.
Abigail: Repeat after me.
FRIDAY: Response: Um, okay?
Abigail: I am going to your son’s house to help make the zombie cure.
FRIDAY: Comment: I am going to your son’s house to help make the zombie cure.
Abigail: Awesome. Now piss off.

Leonard: Bye, daddy Friday!
FRIDAY: Farewell, Master (Designate: Tertiary) Leonard! Do not neglect your nightly molar polishing, and remember to regularly restructure your sleeping quarters for maximum practical and aesthetic efficiency!
Leonard: Okay! I don’t know what any of that means, but okay!

Stewart: Where’s he going?
Leonard: He’s moving in with Andrew.
Stewart: WHAT? OH SHIT WE’RE GONNA STARVE! COME BACK FRIDAY COME BAAAACK!

Stewart: -sniffle- Let’s make our beds. FRIDAY would have wanted us to make our beds.

You two are completely fucked up.

FRIDAY: (Run subroutine: nostalgic reminiscence) Oh… I remember the day I was created. It was in this very household… It seems so strange to be leaving, I don’t know if I can-

OKAY THIS IS FUCKING BORING SO WOULD YOU JUST MOVE OUT ALREADY

Of course, Stewart’s right. They’re totally gonna starve to death now.

I won’t miss them.

It’s gotta suck to be stuck with basement vampire mom, especially when your only other source of companionship happens to be…

…your elderly megalomaniacal butler.

Elle: Yeah, it’s okay, I’ve got all fucking day buddy.

Elle: But SERIOUSLY. Are these STAIRS. Made of GLUE. You FUCKING SLOW OLD PERSON.

Elle: Can anyone airlift me some food? Send out the St. Bernards, I’m lost in the wild mountain wilderness of the STAIRS THIS OLD GUY IS CLIMBING IN FRONT OF ME.
Sullivan: I am nourished by your tears and frustration.

Elle: I wish I had a house. It’s so cold on the streets…

Go away. The last time I adopted a newspaper girl in this neighbourhood… yeah. Never again.

Yes, let’s play “Paint the Stucco Red.”

This picture serves no purpose (other than filler in this stupid short awful update). I just thought it was pretty.

Speaking of pretty, no.

Stewart: Hey, I know you! You’re that slut who was dating my dead brother. One of my dead brothers.
Mona: In my defense, he wasn’t dead when I was dating him.
Stewart: Looking like that, he wouldn’t date you now even if he wasn’t dead.

Stewart: Whoah… I feel strange…
Mona: Look, can we hurry this along? I came here on an empty stomach and it’s about time to fill my belly with little blonde kids. As in eating you. As food. Not as in getting impregnated by you. That would be gross and weird. And illegal? I’d be in trouble. Anyway I’m a zombie, I can’t get pregnant.
Leonard: Why is this zombie so lame, Uncle Sullivan?
Sullivan: I’m not your fucking uncle, and she’s so lame because you touch yourself at night. Now shut the fuck up, I wanna see this.

Stewart: Hey hey! I’m a teenager! And you’re still disgusting.

Stewart’s now a Knowledge Sim! His Turn-Ons are Logical and Mechanical (because his One True Hobby is Tinkering) and his Turn-Off is Stink, so sorry Mona.

Mona: Hi, Stewart!
Leonard: Hi, Stewart!
Sullivan: Are you shitheads bugging out? What is wrong with you?

Sullivan: I mean, he’s been here the whole HI STEWART!

-sigh-

Mona: Maybe I could catch a ride with you guys on the bus, eat all your friends (while still on the bus), then get off the bus at your school, and then eat everybody at your school too.
Leonard: That sounds pretty awesome, Mona, yep! Let’s do that! Talk about that for a few more seconds at least, please! Yeah!
Mona: Why are you acting so suspiciously?
Leonard: Only because you have a good sense of suspicion!
Mona: Oh, okay. Hey… wait a second…
Sullivan: -looks directly at me-

STOP THAT.

Stewart: Stall her just a few more seconds, Len…

Stewart: I don’t think we’ve really been properly introduced. My name is Stewart Murphy…

Stewart: And I’m the man of this house, bitch!

So… are you gonna… maybe… avert your eyes?

Stewart: No. I want to see it all. I want to see everything.

…okay…

Stewart: Now watch as I phase through this wall!

Stewart: OH MY GOD I CAN’T PHASE THROUGH WALLS

Don’t you hate how adulthood isn’t as cool as you’ve been led to believe it is?

Why so down, chum?

Sullivan: I was gonna rape her.

Well colour me surprised.

Oh, you’re still alive? That’s nice, I guess.

Leonard: Pff. Humans are so weak. Not like robots. Strong, gleaming, manly robots.

Should I be worried about you?

The Grim Reaper: ARE YOU SURE YOU HAD NOTHING TO DO WITH THIS?
Sullivan: What could possibly make you think that?

The Grim Reaper: WHAT? SERIOUSLY? OKAY, FINE, PUT HIM ON. HEY KID, IT’S YOUR DAD.
Leonard: My dad is a robot.
The Grim Reaper: NO, IT’S YOUR FLESHBAG DAD. THE DEAD ONE. HE SAYS TO REMEMBER TO TAKE OUT THE GARBAGE. APPARENTLY TAKING OUT YOUR GARBAGE IS JUST THAT FUCKING IMPORTANT TO HIM.

Leonard: That was a touching final message. I’m glad he called from the underworld to share that with me.

Leonard: When you get to hell, please tell my dad that we don’t miss him.
Mona: Okay!

Leonard: Yessss, Lucifer! We’ll show them all, you and I!
Shadow: …?
Sullivan: -approves-

Sullivan: I guess I can at least piss on her ashes.

That’s nice.

Asia Gonzaga: Hi! I’m Asia! Do you want to be my friend?
Rodney: -doesn’t want to be Asia’s friend-

Asia: Hi! I’m Asia! Do you want to be my friend?
Stewart: Hi! I’m Stewart! Do you want to tell me what the hell you’re doing on my lawn?

Stewart: Actually, you know what, never mind. You’re hot.

Stewart: Like… really, really hot.

Sullivan: So I asked him “Can I play with those blocks too?” and he was all like “NO SULLY YOU JERK YOU MURDERED MY SISTER!”

Sullivan: So I smashed my desk and impaled him on one of the broken struts.

Sullivan: Every once in a while I prank call his forlorn spirit with a crystal ball. Isn’t that the funniest story you ever heard?!

Sullivan: ISN’T THAT THE FUNNIEST STORY YOU EVER HEARD.

Leonard: OH HA HA HA YES IT’S FUNNY O.O

Sullivan: Heh heh… good. You may live. FOR NOW.

Stewart: Okay, yes, we’ve established that William Sharpe is physically attractive. That was a lovely hour of conversation, thank you.

Leonard: Who’s this?
Asia: Um, excuse the fuck out of you? We’re trying to have a conversation here.
Stewart: And we’re not succeeding.

Leonard: Uncle Sullivan, I just don’t know about thiiIIIIIIISSSSSSSSSS…

Asia: Um, is your butler swinging your brother around in the air?
Stewart: Probably.
Asia: Probably? Aren’t you gonna look?
Stewart: It’s best not to look directly at Sullivan.

Sullivan: WHEE! ISN’T THIS FUN! LOOK, ONCOMING TRAFFIC! WHOAH! JUST MISSED YOU, HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Sullivan: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Leonard: HELP

Sullivan: I bet with a little more lift I could sail you clear over that house across the street.

Stewart: I -hate- this flamingo, I think I’m gonna KICK it.
Sullivan: I -hate- this kid, I think I’m gonna KILL him.

Stewart: I really like your belly shirt, it really… shows your belly.
Asia: Oh my god, really? Aw, thank you so much, that’s such a sweet thing to say!
Stewart: Wow, you’re a huge slut.

Stewart: So… how’d you like to be MY huge slut?
Asia: I thought you had a girlfriend already!
Stewart: Huh? Oh, you must have seen Mona! No, that was my brother’s girlfriend, and anyway I disintegrated her with a fly gun.
Asia: -giggle- Oh, Stewart. You’re so RO-MAN-TIC.

Asia: -sucks in a breath and pushes her chest out-
Stewart: -melts-

Kill a townie, get a girlfriend. Productive day!


FRIDAY: Greetings, Colleague (Subset: Butler)! I am called SSC-001 FRIDAY! My designation is an acronym for Sentient Servometric Construct: Free-Ranging Retrovirus Incubator Designed by Abigail Young. My serial number indicates that I am the first of my class. What is your designation?
Daryl: I’m sorry, I died of boredom halfway through that. What was the question again?

Cameron: What?
Kitty: Nothing…
Cameron: WHAT?
Kitty: Nothing!
Cameron: Is it the zombieism? Is it the leotard? WHAT?
Kitty: IT’S THE ZOMBIEISM AND THE LEOTARD OKAY?! I’M ONLY HUMAN!

Kitty: This neighbourhood has really gone to hell.

It’s a trailer park.

Kitty: Yeah, my statement still stands.

FRIDAY: Comment: These flowers are very well-kept, Colleague (Subset: Butler) Daryl! I am very pleased with your natural element management skillset! This conversation would be more easily engaged in were I not following you at a large distance, Colleague (Subset: Butler) Daryl!
Daryl: Yes, but then I’d have to KILL MYSELF.

Daryl: …okay, fine, I’ll admit it: this is kinda nice.

FRIDAY: Comment: Excellent, a new friend! I will store the three thousand five hundred Aspiration Points received from this successful interaction, and put them towards the development of the retrovirus using Master (Subset: Secondary) Andrew’s formula when it is finished!
Daryl: That thing I just said? Forget that thing I just said, you wrecked it.

Just kickin’ it, takin’ it easy, walkin’ through the trailer park with your hand inexplicably raised? Livin’ the dream, huh.

FRIDAY: Comment: I am merely commenting on the fact that with a full-length dress, your decayed reproductive organs would not be immediately visible to my photoreceptors.
Cameron: Yes, but that would make my “storage pouch” a lot less convenient to access, if you know what I mean.
FRIDAY: Comment: I am terrified that I may in fact know what you mean.

Cameron: Hey, Rodney! I hear you’ve been hanging around the Murphy household, menacing teenagers!
Rodney: Heheh, yeah, it’s pretty awesome.

Cameron: As awesome as being disintegrated?
Rodney: HOLY SHIT NO MENACING TEENAGERS IS WAY MORE AWESOME THAN BEING DISINTEGRATED

Cameron: That was fun. Let’s do it again sometime. (+2500 Aspiration)

What?

FRIDAY is studiously researching the mysteries of “cleaning” which, curiously, raises his enthusiasm in the Nature hobby. He’s gonna be the one who maxes that hobby as part of the zombie plague cure requirements.

In the meantime, Andrew is still trying to work out the chemical formula for the cure.

He’s managed to create a lot of medicine, but so far no dice otherwise.

…what are you doing?

FRIDAY: Response: Enhancing my experiental downtime connection to “nature.”

Carry on then. I guess. Wait, how can you even smell things?

FRIDAY: Response: Try not think too much about it.

Done.

Rodney: Bye! My hair is still okay, though, right? Right?

Um… right.

Rodney: AWESOME.

Colby: What the fuck? I was just passing through!
Caryl: Hi guys! What’s happening?
Cameron: I’m disintegrating Colby.
Caryl: That’s nice, me too.

Okay, that’s starting to freak me out. How are you getting Aspiration Points from killing people?

Cameron: A better question is, why isn’t everyone else?

I don’t think that’s a better question at all!

Yoosung: Aaaaugh! I’m sorry that I was going to steal your newspaper!
Cameron: Oh, I didn’t actually know you were gonna steal our newspaper, I was just killing you because you’re a zombie. But thanks for easing my conscience a little bit!

Yoosung: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAUUGGGLLBLGBLGLBFFRRBRB
Cameron: Ha! That’s what HE SAID! “He” in this case being the last zombie guy I brutally murdered. With this gun. Too much context? Did I kill the joke? You can’t hear it anyway, it doesn’t matter.

I wish you could stick around, Colby, you make an awesome-looking ghost.

Yoosung: Bye butler I never met! Don’t work too hard!
Daryl: Somebody cares! 😀

Daryl: Just for that, I’ll actually clean your ashes up.

And put them in an urn?

Daryl: And put them in the GARBAGE. Don’t make shit up.


I’m sure this is just a temporary setback, eh Melanie?

Don’t you feel at all bad that you’re in here, enjoying a tasty toaster pastry, while she’s outside eating chips in a pile of her own filth?

William: No, should I?

Not really, no. I was just checking.

What are you looking for?

Melanie: A little moth.

Why?

Melanie: Back in university, Andrew told me a little moth comes, and you talk to it, and it gets a big eagle to fly in and save you.

An excellent plan, with just seven minor drawbacks. 1) There are no moths in this game, 2) there are no eagles in this game, 3) it was a wizard who did that, 4) it was in a fantasy movie, and 5) you’re an evil zombie bitch and nobody likes you.

Melanie: That’s only five. You said seven.

Well, you’re a REALLY evil zombie bitch, and they REALLY don’t like you, so that last one counts for three.

Melanie: Then it’s not minor.

Well maybe SHUT UP.

Joseph: My queen! The moth sent me, and I came as soon as I could!

No. What is this. No.

William: I’m unarmed. Let’s talk about this like men.
Joseph: First off, you call that “unarmed”? You could beat an elephant to death with that thing! Second, the more I look at you, the less like a man I feel. You’re like a walking monument to how small the rest of our penises are.

William: All jesting aside, Joseph, I think it’s time we had a little chat.

William: Right after I BLOW TEN THOUSAND HOLES IN YOU.
Joseph: WHERE WERE YOU KEEPING THAT?!
William: I don’t even know.

Joseph: IS THIS GIVING YOU AN ERECTION
William: Well, no, but it’s definitely not hurting!

Joseph: Please… just… let me touch it…
William: William Sharpe, baby. Accept no substitutes.
Joseph: So beautiful…

Melanie learns the downside of having mushbrained zombies as her only minions.

Sullivan: Dammit Joseph… you should have used the gun I slipped you.
William: What’s that, Sullivan?
Sullivan: -sigh- Nothing.

William: YES, ABSOLUTELY WALK IN FRONT OF MY CAR. THE FREE WORLD CAN WAIT I’M SO SURE

Melanie: Um, hello? I don’t think this toilet is working correctly!

I think we can safely classify Melanie as a neutralized threat, don’t you?

Yeah… I’m calling it.

William: Awesome, my order came in! What’s your name?
Tish Raha: Tish!
William: Wow, that’s disgusting. I’m gonna call you Disgusting instead. How’s your blowjob face?

William: Heyyy, not bad, not bad!

William: Let me show you guys something. You see this profile? You see this FUCKING profile?

Yeah, I see it.

William: This is not an attractive profile!

I’m with you 100% old buddy.

William: Oh, well. Any hooker in a storm, as they say.

Melanie: -furiously ignores-

Melanie: Oh, what NOW?

Melanie: Go away!
William: Disgusting, this is my friend Melanie. Melanie, this is Disgusting.
Tish Disgusting: That’s me!

William: We’re just gonna put on a little show for you, if that’s alright. I know you won’t have any objections.

William: Boy, sure feels good to be a free, unzombified human being having hot sex on the cool grass, doesn’t it Disgusting?
Tish Disgusting: Sure!

Melanie: -seethes-

Will the Zombie Queen ever regain her former glory? Will the next update at MNU take a thousand years to arrive? Will you ever find out? I dunno, have some patience will you?

Oh yeah, the zombie cure! Here’s an update on its progress:

1. One Sim must reach 100% enthusiasm in the Science Hobby, mostly by making medicine and viruses in roughly equal quantity. (Andrew Murphy, in progress)
2. One Sim must reach 100% enthusiasm in the Tinkering Hobby, mostly by making a Servo to incubate the antidote. (Abigail Murphy, complete!)
3. One Sim must reach 100% enthusiasm in the Nature Hobby. (FRIDAY, in progress)
4. One Sim must learn Physiology. (No progress)
5. One Sim must max all skills. (Abigail Murphy, complete!)
6. Both the Science and the Tinkering Sim must collect three of each potion in the game: Love Potion 8.5, ReNuYu PortaChug, Lycanthropic-B, Plantophic-C, Vamprocillin-D and Witchbegone-E. (Abigail and Andrew Murphy, complete!)
7. Two Sims must reach the top of the Science career. (Abigail and Andrew Murphy, complete!)
8. One Sim must reach the top of the Intelligence career. (William Sharpe, complete!)
9. Two zombie Sims must be captured. (A. Cameron Price, B. Melanie Sharpe, complete!)
10. One Sim must become friends with the Iconic Hobbyist for Science. (No progress)
11. One Servo must acquire enough Aspiration Points to afford two doses of the antitode. (FRIDAY, in progress)
12. One dose of the antidote must be given to one of the captive zombies, to test it. (No progress)
13. The second dose of the antidote must be given to the Iconic Hobbyist for Science. (No progress)

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