The Pine Valley Chronicles, Chapter Twenty-Six

Welcome to the Pine Valley Chronicles, an ongoing neighbourhood story in The Sims 2!
Warning: this journal may contain uncensored nudity, violence, profanity and sexual themes.

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Last time in the Pine Valley Chronicles…

Cecilia Phelps axed the zombies of Mount Noble University’s Dromedarian Society in the two-part Chapter Twenty-Five, and now sets her sights on her less-secretive necrotic classmates.

There’s a few new touches this time around (the new title pic style and the recap newspaper). I’ve also done some housekeeping on my HTML which has allowed me to post much larger updates instead of splitting my chapters into multiple posts. You get the “benefit” of that right away, because this is the longest update yet! For the sake of consistency I’ve gone back and merged the existing two-post updates into single-post ones. Let me know what you think about all this new stuff.

I’m not posting a household cast list for this update because it’s seriously only Cecilia and that would be a confusing waste of space, no? If you don’t know who Cecilia is or who she’s related to by now, then you’re probably beyond all hope. I’ll be replacing the cast lists with something much cooler soon, anyway.

Man, you picked the wrong time to deliver that date reward, in so very many ways.

Cecilia: Look… It’s just… I’ve had a really long day, Amaya, can we do this some other time?

Cecilia? Forgetting anything?

Where you off to now?

Cecilia: The library.

Why the library?

Cecilia: Well, where would you go if you were looking to find brains?

Curse you and your experimentally-proven puns!

Sterling: Ceciiiiliaaaaa…
Cecilia: :O

Sterling: Show us your tiiiiiiits…

Cecilia: …?

Cecilia: Steffi, is it? Out for some BRAINS, are we?
Steffi: Oh, no, of course not! Brains are for ZOMBIES and I’m not a ZOMBIE! I’m here to IMPROVE MY MIND!
Cecilia: You can’t fool me, bitch! Only stupid people get tattoos!

Steffi: WHOAH HOLD ON A SECOND seriously you’re gonna shatter all those windows behind me.
Cecilia: I HAVE TO. There is a LAW of AWESOME…

Cecilia: AND I AM ITS SHERIFF!

Cecilia: You got that, right? We can totally use it in the trailer.

Trailer?

Cecilia: In the film adaptation. I will be played by a radiant beam of the purest most beautiful sunlight, illuminating all I touch with my breathtaking perfection. Steffi will be played by a hobo.

Why a hobo?

Cecilia: Because nobody cares if you shoot a hobo to death, and my film adaptation demands VISCERAL REALISM.

Cecilia: Dammit Steffi, you’re doing this all wrong! You fall INTO the glass table, not BESIDE it! Haven’t you seen Roadhouse?

Cecilia: That’s right, form an orderly queue.

Cecilia’s zombie-killing fame is growing. When murder is your only hobby, this is pretty much the only safe form of fame.

I hate it when you go to the library and some idiots are fucking around in the common area so you can’t sit down.

The best thing about this picture? The three dudes making “Aw, murder? Seriously?” faces. Can you spot them all? Death doesn’t count.

The Grim Reaper: WHY DON’T I COUNT? D:

Cecilia: Eat hot lead, you filthy zombie slut!
Sterling: -cops a feel-
Cecilia: SERIOUSLY DUDE WHAT THE FUCK

Emma: Sterling… hel… help me…
Sterling: -considers copping a feel-

Sterling: That’s it honey, just a little higher…

Sterling: Come on, Emma! This is like, the worst handjob EVER!

I’m with Cecilia.

I think her machine gun speaks for all of us at this point.

Apparently Emma was actually Archduke Franz Ferdinand of SimAustria.

JJ: Like… what’s… what’s happening, girl? Like… yeah…

Put him out of my misery.

Cecilia: Heyy, tapestry, lookin’ good! How’s it hangin’? AHAHAHAHA

Get on with it, would you?

Cecilia: UNION BREAK.

Jay walked over, saw Cecilia shooting a guy in a tracksuit, and made this hilarious “Ha-HA!” sound and waved his arms appreciatively. I think that’s just fantastic.

Brooke Nanale: Man, tips are gonna be shit today.

When you’re surrounded by expensive furniture and rare books, you’d think that you’d at least make some effort to aim your shots.

Wow, she kills and cooks! What a catch.

Conrad: OH MY GOD IT’S DANIEL DAY-LEWIS

Lyndsey: On the one hand, my mother told me never to accept gifts from serial killers.

Lyndsey: On the other hand hot dogs.

Nothing unusual here.

And the hot dogs are a big hit!

Surreal.

Whatcha doin’?

Cecilia: Tidying up.

Gonna take them to a cemetery?

Cecilia: That’s one theory, sure.

Cecilia: …four… five… six! Six! Awesome. Not a bad start.

Packing it in for the night, then?

Yeah, I didn’t think so.

Karen: -suddenly remembers she left the oven on-

Yup, we’re back at Sentinel Park. It’s very moody and atmospheric at night.

So naturally, it’s suddenly daytime.

The potential for collateral damage here is pretty high, wouldn’t you say? Cecilia?

Cecilia: You call them collateral damage, I call them targets of opportunity.

Payton: I don’t care, I’m doing my homework -right here- and there’s nothing you can do about it.

Karen: Huuaaraaaaagghhhh!
Payton: You’re wasting your breath.

Things I learned today: even the Grim Reaper uses the crosswalk.

Cecilia: I love the smell of Death’s ass in the morning! Smells like… Death’s ass.
Vanessa: THIS LOOKS LIKE THE PERFECT PLACE TO DO MY HOMEWORK

Cecilia: Pleased to meet you! What’s your name?
Alon: Alon Makajeka… Majakekka… Magic… Majekajadaja…
Cecilia: Ouch. My sympathies.

All I’m saying is that if your last name has five syllables and one of every vowel in it, you shouldn’t put it into your game’s random name generator.

Alon: Are you fuckers for real?
Cecilia: Note to self: do not reach through the hell-forged bowels of the eternal watchman.

Cecilia’s leisurely walk continues. Every Student Centre I’ve ever been in (and I’ve been in quite a few) has been totally chock-full of zombies, so this is probably a good place to check out.

Nawwaf Ngai: -is oblivious-
Payton: This is so awkward. If I dodge left, he’ll dodge right. If I dodge right, he’ll dodge left. I hate bumping into people in the doorway.
Avri: This is so awkward. I have to eat his brains. Braaaainnnss…

If I didn’t know better, and I don’t, I’d think she was intentionally doing most of her shooting in front of glass.

Avri: Make sure you let go really gently, because I might still need this hand.
Cecilia: “Might”?
Avri: Depends on how well my date goes tonight.
Cecilia: Gross.

Cecilia: Where would you be without me, Grimmy?
The Grim Reaper: AT HOME.

The Grim Reaper: MY OWN CHILDREN DON’T EVEN RECOGNIZE ME ANYMORE.

The Grim Reaper: LOOK HONEY, I SAID I’M SORRY. I HAVE TO WORK LATE TONIGHT. CAN YOU JUST TURN ON THE BEAM SO I CAN GET ON WITH MY GODDAMN DAY?
Brooke: I’m sad that the Grim Reaper’s marriage is failing 🙁

-Intermission-

Why so down?

Cecilia: All this zombie killing is seriously cutting into my homework time. I’m afraid I’m gonna fail my class.

That’s too bad… what’re you gonna do about it?

Cecilia: …uuuugh.

What?

Cecilia: I don’t wanna think about it right now, okay?

That’s enough zombie patrol for one day.

Cecilia: FUCK. FUCKING CUT A BITCH, MOTHERFUCKER.

:O

Cecilia: JESUS FUCKING CHRIST ON A MOTHERFUCKING PLATTER.

Cecilia: SHITFUCKING ASSRAPING BITCHFUCKER!

What’s your fucking problem?

Cecilia: I dunno :S

I love you.

Cecilia: Your haircut sucks.
Jace: That’s like the anime character calling the pot black.
Cecilia: Your mixed metaphor sucks.

Being bad never looked so good.

William might have dated the machinegun, but Cecilia has definitely married it.

The Grim Reaper: IT’S LIKE SHE DOESN’T APPRECIATE ALL THE GOOD I DO IN THE WORLD. I JUST WANT SOME RECOGNITION WHEN I COME HOME AFTER A LONG DAY’S REAPING.
Cecilia: Patch me in, we can do a conference call.

Cecilia: Oh, wow. Seriously? If my husband tracked ectoplasm all over the living room carpet I’d be pretty pissed, too.
The Grim Reaper: THIS IS NOT HELPING. HOW IS THIS HELPING?

Cecilia: No! We’re just friends, honest! I send a little business his way every once in a while, and he promises not to tell the authorities that I’m a serial killer. SHIT. You didn’t hear that.

One of these profs is not like the other…

Payton: Whoah! Why you gotta get your stinkfumes all up in my nosespace?

Prof. Amin Chalmers: Hey Emily, long time no see! You keep missing the faculty meetings. What’s up with that?
Cecilia: HEY PROFESSOR CHALMERS I’M GLAD YOU COULD MAKE IT PLEASE STEP AWAY FROM THE ZOMBIE

Cecilia: THIS IS FOR SCHEDULING YOUR CLASSES SO EARLY
Prof. Amin: You could have picked a later one.
Cecilia: I AM RUNNING OUT OF THINGS TO SAY WHEN I SHOOT PEOPLE

Prof. Amin: Hey, Adriana, long time no see! You keep missing my classes. What’s up with that?
Adriana: -is still dead-

Prof. Amin: Emily? What’s wrong with Emily? Is she okay?
Cecilia: TICKLE MONSTER!
Prof. Amin: Eeeheeeheeehahaha what was I talking about I forget because tickle monster

Jerome: ASSHAT! -smashes Alon in the face-
Alon: WHAT
Rishell: Why am I outside? Where are my pills? Who are these people?
Danielle: I can see you guys are busy. I can come back later.
Cecilia: Nonsense! Wouldn’t hear of it.

Rodney Midlock: HEY PROFESSOR CHALMERS I HAVE A PUZZLE SPHERE THING
Prof. Amin: OH MY GOD YOU HAVE A PUZZLE SPHERE THING 😀
Cecilia: I owe you one, Rod.

Danielle: -unholy death screech-
Jerome: I didn’t know you liked Celine Dion!

Prof. Amin: Please? I just want to play with it for a minute.
Rodney: No!
Prof. Amin: Please?!
Rodney: NO!
Prof. Amin: 🙁

Prof. Amin: So, what did you want to see me about anyway?
Cecilia: Well, I’ve been falling behind on my course work, and I was just wondering…

Cecilia: …if there’s any “extra credit” assignments I could do for you. If you know what I mean.
Alon: Hey! I need extra credit too. I want in on this. Hello? Guys?

Prof. Amin: Well… I guess I could provide some… private lessons… if that’s what you want.
Cecilia: I was hoping we could just fuck and then you could raise my grade.
Prof. Amin: Yeah, that’s sort of what I was… yeah. Wow. Anyway.

Alon: I’ve gotta get to class, Cecilia! Let me know what you find out about that extra credit assignment! We can work on it together! I’ll call you later, okay? Do you want my cell phone number? Are you coming to class, Professor Chalmers? No? Okay! I’ll talk to you later! Bye!

Cecilia: Is that an enlarged prostate, or are you just happy to see me?

Prof. Amin: Seriously? Behind the trees? What’s wrong with your dorm room?
Cecilia: You’re not getting your filth all over my bed.
Prof. Amin: This is not what I pictured when I went to grad school…

Prof. Amin: …but it was still totally worth it.

Cecilia: Let me know when you’re in.
Prof. Amin: I’ve been going for about five minutes now.
Cecilia: OOH AHH YOU’RE SO BIG OOH AHH
Prof. Amin: I don’t think I’m going to mention this in my memoirs.

On second thought, although the trees do provide some cover, doing this right across the street from a busy parking lot was probably not the best laid of all possible plans.

Cecilia: Ugh, can we hurry this along? You’ve got major halitosis.
Prof. Amin: I like a girl who knows how to talk dirty.
Cecilia: I like a man cut up into pieces in my basement.
Prof. Amin: That’s a bit too dirty.
Cecilia: I thought we were bonding.

Prof. Amin: Could you at least pretend to be interested? You’re a frigging DRAMA MAJOR.
Cecilia: I’m acting with all my might, seriously. Right now I’m channeling Natalie Portman in Star Wars.

Addison: Hey guys! Whatcha doin’? Is it a fun game? Can I join?

Addison: OH NO! PROFESSOR CHALMERS! THAT WOMAN IS ABOUT TO SHOOT YOU! AND ALSO YOU’RE BOTH FULLY DRESSED NOW! TIME DILATION!
Prof. Amin: Heh, well I just shot her if you get my drift.
Addison: I DON’T WANT TO GET YOUR DRIFT! I CATAGORICALLY REFUSE YOUR DRIFT!

Blazej: Cute, passed out, and wearing shorts! Maker, for what I am about to receive, I thank you.

Any time.

Mackenzie: Hey Blazej, what happened to Rodney?
Blazej: I WASN’T GOING TO RAPE HIM.
Mackenzie: Wow, good to know!

Please tell me this means what I think it means.

IT MEANS WHAT I THINK IT MEANS. Awesome.

Prof. Amin: Hey Rodney! Can you tell Cecilia I left these flowers here for her?
Wendy: Rodney’s asleep, Professor Chalmers. I’ll tell her for you if you want.
Prof. Amin: I WASN’T FUCKING TALKING TO YOU WAS I

Whoops. Laci II apparently went off to join Laci I.

NO. I absolutely FORBID IT.


I find your choice of stereo… disturbing.

Dance like it hurts.

Man, you look awesome.

Cecilia: I’m TAKING A SHIT.

Nevertheless.

I guess Rodney only wakes up when there’s something worth seeing.

The mortality rate at MNU might be really high, but it’s more than made up for by certain aesthetic elements of the dormitories.

Off on patrol again so soon?

Cecilia: These zombies won’t kill themselves.

I dunno, have you met some of them?

I think it’s about time we got some use out of the arena.

What?

Cecilia: I’m just savouring the anticipation.

Well point your savouring someplace else.

Extreme figure skating! You get eaten when you fall down.

I don’t think Amaya knows she’s a zombie.

Blondes.

Man, no wonder all those seats are empty. The handicaps on these matches are bullshit!

Extreme speed skating! There are certain incentives for not slowing down.

Nicholas: Where do you want this one, boss?
Cecilia: Put her with the others.

Leaving so soon?

Cecilia: I hate sports.

I don’t use The Corner Plaza very much, mostly because there’s nothing to do there…

…which the students at MNU have already figured out for themselves.

I don’t see how this is helping the zombie situation…

…but it certainly does look cool.

It’s time for “Meet the Dormies!” Erin Long, ladies and gentlemen!

She’s really boring.

Joy Thompson, ladies and gentlemen! She’s TITS.

That’s enough dormies.

If you’ve been wondering, she’s using the campus directory to get acquainted with the various zombies for the purpose of inviting them over.

Of course, sometimes the mountain comes to Muhammed.

I can’t believe he remembers this trick.

But you can’t stay in the men’s room forever! Ugh, trust me. You just cannot.

Jason: I JUST REMEMBERED THAT I FORGOT TO WASH MY HANDS SO I’LL BE RIGHT BACK OKAY

“This is the zombies! We have you surrounded! Come out with your brains up!”

At this point I think Cecilia is classified as a public service: zombie removal. Everyone seems to approve heartily. “Hey look, it’s the zombie remover! Awesome.”

See what I mean?

Ally: Fada soola gor!
Jan: Ack glurk

Ally: Fada soola bronk!
Jan: Hurrrrgh

Ally: Fada vaby oda vaba gonk gonk gonk!
Jan: Aaauurrghhhrrbll

Ally: Gerbits! Gerbits!
Jan: -gasp-

Ally: Vohhhhh GERBITS!
Jan: -clunk-
Julie: THAT WAS THE BEST THING EVER

It pretty much was.

I love you, Ally.

Cecilia: AHAHAHA REAP THE WHIRLWIND YOU FUCK hey can you move forward a lil’ bit I don’t wanna bump you with my gun.
The Grim Reaper: OH, SURE. SORRY.

It’s hard to argue with the sentiment Jerome is expressing.

The Grim Reaper: DO WE HAVE TO DO THIS RIGHT NOW, HONEY? I’M KIND OF IN THE MIDDLE OF SOMETHING. THAT SOMETHING IS KIND OF GUNFIRE.

Cecilia: Look, you need to give the big guy some credit, okay? Sure, he shuffles people off the mortal coil. Sure, he’s all bones and carries a sharp farm implement all the time. But at least he has a steady job! That’s no minor thing in this economy.
The Grim Reaper: SHE HUNG UP.

It’s not the dying she’s afraid of, it’s being stuck as a ghost in those clothes forever.

Keep looking at this picture until you see the awesome thing.

Jay: WHY DID YOU KILL HER, JULIE?
Jerome: YEAH, WHAT THE FUCK JULIE?
Tracy: YOU’RE A MURDERER JULIE
Julie: What the fuck?
The Unsavoury Charlatan: Yessss… all according to plan…

Your plan is looking more and more like complete and total bullshit, dude.

The Unsavoury Charlatan: That is also all according to plan.

Jerome: Yeah, I’m like… all kinds of best friends with this sign.
Alon: It’s kind of ugly.
Jerome: Well don’t say that to his face!

Greg Hunicke the Atrociously Evil Zombie Warlock: -needs no introduction-

Greg Hunicke the Atrociously Evil Zombie Warlock: Hi, I’m Greg Hunicke the Atrociously Evil Zombie Warlock!
Cecilia: Hi, I just aged an entire decade listening to you say your name!

Cecilia: …and I’m gonna take that decade out of YOUR ASS.
Greg Hunicke the Atrociously Evil Zombie Warlock: Not if I zap you first! ALAKAZAM!

Cecilia: An excellent plan, sir, with just one -minor- drawback: we’re under a roof.

Erin: What? OH SHIT! HIT THE DECK!

Erin: Oh please no no no I’m too pretty to die…

How many people need to get shot with wildly-scattered machinegun fire before people learn to stop hanging around in clumps with zombies?

His weak spot has opened up! Shoot him in the belly button!

Greg’s lightning has at least provided a bit of dramatic flair, if nothing else.

Cecilia: Oh my god! It’s Daniel Day-Lewis!

Daniel Day-Lewis: No, that was the Unsavoury Charlatan. Learn the difference. It might save your life.
Cecilia: Thanks, Daniel Day-Lewis! -swoon-

Conrad: I suddenly have a really ominous feeling.

I can’t imagine why. KEEP WALKING.

You struck the dramatic pose pretty well, but you’re supposed to wheel TOWARDS the camera for maximum effect. Oh well. You’ve got plenty of time to learn.

The Unsavoury Charlatan: I don’t suppose you’d let me have his wallet.
The Grim Reaper: NEED IT FOR MY RECORDS.
The Unsavoury Charlatan: Figured as much. Oh well. Say “hi” to Bunny for me.
The Grim Reaper: WE’RE SEPARATED. SPEAKING OF WHICH, CAN I CRASH AT YOUR PLACE FOR A FEW DAYS?
The Unsavoury Charlatan: I wish I could help, man, but my wife’s mother-in-law is staying over.
The Grim Reaper: I COULD BUMP HER UP ON MY SCHEDULE A BIT, IF THAT WOULD HELP.
The Unsavoury Charlatan: I’d appreciate it.
The Grim Reaper: GIVE MY BEST TO CHARLENE.

The Unsavoury Charlatan: Now I don’t know what you guys are thinking, but he was like this when I got here.

Heather Fuchs the Infallibly Good Zombie Witch: I came as quickly as I could. Where is the Champion of Light?
Tracy: They don’t sell cigarettes here, if that’s what you mean.

Heather Fuchs the Infallibly Good Zombie Witch: I have travelled a great distance to congratulate you, Cecilia Phelps. What you have done will set in motion a grand new age of magic, unfettered by the evil designs of Greg Hunicke the Atrociously Evil Zombie Warlock. The light of truth shines down upon you, and-

Heather Fuchs the Infallibly Good Zombie Witch: WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING YOU CRAZY BITCH

Heather Fuchs the Infallibly Good Zombie Witch: AUUUUUGGGHH YOU DIRTY CUNT

The Grim Reaper: AWESOME, I’VE GOT A COMPLETE SET NOW.
Tracy: Ding, dong! The witch is dead!
Jerome: Which witch?
Tracy: The one on the floor with bullet holes in her, stupid.
Jerome: Oh, I see it now. Yeah.

Payton: Hey Cecilia!
Cecilia: Yeah, woo, whatever.

Cecilia: We out, yo.

We certainly are! In the next chapter, we’ll finally return to Pine Valley and see what progress has been made on the zombie cure!

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