Warning: Extreme Do-Over Edition!
Welcome to my second attempt at Chapter Twenty-Five of the Pine Valley Chronicles! In the first attempt, Cecilia murdered the entire Secret Society for the dubious crime of being bloodthirsty zombies. And then my game crashed, and it all suddenly never had happened. So… yeah.
Second verse, same as the first! Only not at all.
Rishell: Are you fucking serious.
ATTENTION MOUNT NOBLE UNIVERSITY: WILLIAM SHARPE HAS GRADUATED.
Like a million billion years ago. Fuck!
Kevin: …whoah. Anybody feel weird? Like…
Trevor: …like the game reset?
Kevin: Yeah, like the game reset!
Trevor: No, it’s just you.
Trevor: MAN! That chick is HOT! Why do I have such a powerful feeling of foreboding?
Kevin: Like you’ve experienced this event before and it turned out really badly for all of us?
Trevor: Exactly! Yeah!
Kevin: No idea, you must be nuts.
Cecilia: You’re already lining up, good, that’ll make this easier on all of us.
Cecilia: Yeah! Woo! Secret society! Follow me and I’ll make it quick.
Cecilia: Oh, by the way. Kevin? You’re fucking DISGUSTING.
Cecilia: That’s right, filter in. We’ll keep your replacements outside, nobody gets eaten, in and out in a few short bloody hours. I’m not making the same mistakes this time!
Cecilia: Hey, look, Benjamin! What’s that behind you?! It’s YOU’RE UGLY!
Roger: grumblegrumble I’m ugly too grumblegrumble -punches the air-
Cecilia: Let’s just close this door so we have some privacy.
Cecilia: Wow, you guys are attentive. You’re like a drooling, rotting mass of undead puppydogs.
Amin: Fuck this noise.
Cecilia: Don’t go anywhere, Amin!
Amin: What? Why?
Cecilia: Because AXE IN YOUR FACE BITCH!
Benjamin: I know I should be scared but this is just so goddamn hot…
Addison: Stop fucking saying that, Benjamin!
Benjamin: …but I only said it once!
Addison: Really? I could almost swear I’ve heard you say it before.
Whuck. And this time, STAY WHUCKED.
Kevin: I just want you to know that I don’t appreciate this kind of rude behaviour in a new member.
Cecilia: This is going much better than before.
Addison: Before? What do you mean, before?
Roger: FUCK YOU BITCH WE’RE GONNA KILL YOU
Addison: No, wait, what do you mean, before?
Carl: Holy shit, look at that form!
Roger: That grace!
Addison: That guy crying!
Am I good with the camera, or am I?
Melissa: Gonna, like, duck or something?
Chris: Nah, I know how this ends. I read the last update.
Chris: Nice shot, right in the brains! …braaaains…
Andrew Grove: Why can’t I shake this feeling of impending doom?
Well, there goes the carefully-laid plan.
Benjamin: This kind of diminishes your appeal, I won’t lie.
Trevor: No! Not Benjamin! -sniffle- He was the best of all of us…
Cecilia: Can it, rotface. I’m the best of all of us, and I’ve got the axes to prove it.
Addison: Not my hair budddy! ANYONE BUT MY HAIR BUDDY!
The Grim Reaper: AHAHAHAHA I HAVE GOT TO TELL CECILIA THAT ONE. CECILIA? CONQUEST JUST TOLD ME THE FUNNIEST JOKE.
Cecilia: A little busy right now, Grimmy.
The Grim Reaper: WELL, I’M NEVER TOO BUSY FOR A GOOD LAUGH. SOME PEOPLE NEED TO LIGHTEN UP.
Trevor: If you think I need a haircut, there are better ways to go about telling me.
Roger: Let’s sneak up on her!
Carl: You know what would make that easier?
Carl: Not saying out loud that we’re sneaking up on her.
Lyndsay Thorne: …it’s not Halloween yet, is it?
Cecilia continues her new hobby of performing hilarious actions with axe in hand.
This is like a horror movie in reverse.
Man. Poetry in motion.
But she might want to check outside pretty soon…
Lyndsay: Hey, do you realize there’s a big chunk of your face missing? Y’know, like somebody bit it off or something?
Carl: Wait, no, wait! The first time we did this you left me for last!
Cecilia: Well, you know what they say: variety is the spice of death!
The Grim Reaper: UM, EXCUSE THE FUCK OUT OF YOU BUDDY.
Melissa: I hope nobody expects me to clean all this shit up.
Cecilia: Hey, watch the door! That shit is expensive!
Cecilia: Speaking of doors, time to let the clamouring hordes in.
Erin Long: I’m Erin Long.
Deep thoughts, this one.
But so pretty!
Jay Louie: Whoah, man. Must have been one hell of a party.
Jay: I’ll have whatever they had.
Alvin: This is just like SimStreet Fighter! It’s awesome!
Cecilia: Oh, what the fuck? You stupid sons of bitches! I thought we were done with this shit!
Cecilia: More fucking zombies! Unbelievable! I set a trap, I executed a plan, and now it’s all fucked up and Alvin is really ugly!
Cecilia: And fucking Skylar is really ugly. Hell, you’re ALL REALLY UGLY AND FUCK YOU.
Grayson Hart: Oh no! They got Lindsay, too! Save us, strange spiky-haired goth chick! SAVE US!
Cecilia: Don’t say I never did anything for charity.
The only thing that could improve this would be if a car came screaming around that corner and wiped him out in midair.
Garrett Adams: Hey, hot girl with an axe! That’s on my bucket list.
In what context?
Garrett: No context. I’ll take it however I can get it. It’s a rare sort of thing, you know? Can’t be choosy.
Garrett: Mrs. Japanese Hair?
Garrett: Okay, only I think I’m about to get eaten.
Sharlene Sell: Hi, I’m one of the new members!
Cecilia: Hi! Go home right now or you’ll die.
Like Garrett, for example.
Autumn Hanby: Wow, what a quick reception!
Autumn: Hey, my name is-
Cecilia: Apocalypse zombies axes death leave now!
Cecilia: FUCK OFF AND DON’T COME BACK!
FIVE SECONDS LATER…
Autumn: Hey scary lady! long time no see!
Cecilia: Leave or I’ll rape you to death.
Autumn: Okay! That was graphic. Talk to you later!
Oh for FUCK’S SAKE. I’m not asking you to KISS HIM, I’m asking you to KILL HIM.
Cecilia: Shall I hold him and thrill him, too?
You did not just make that joke…
Jay: So, like, what did you serve those dudes?
Melissa: What “dudes”?
Jay: The ones that were sprawled all over the floor! Duh!
Melissa: I didn’t serve them anything. Cecilia murdered them with an axe!
Jay: I’ll take two.
Cecilia: Autumn, I swear to god if you come back here one more time I’m going to kill you so hard that everyone you’ve ever met will die at the same time.
Wow! Nice work, Garrett! You gained thirty-six experience points and found a healing potion!
Oh shit! Elf needs food badly! ELF NEEDS FOOD BADLY!
Cecilia: Fuck yeah! Fight back, Skylar! IT MAKES ME HOT!
Autumn: Hey, what’s new?
Autumn: I should maybe come back later, then?
Amaya Kalson: Hey, what’s going on here? What’s that SimAsian dude doing to that hot dude?
Cecilia: They’re both signing up for a world of hurt. You want to join them, take one more step forward. Don’t fucking test me, bitch. I’m not in the mood.
Christopher Akagi: Hmm… zombies, check. Axes, check. Ridiculous haircuts, check. Homework outside for no reason, check! It must be dawn!
Cecilia: I don’t have the time or the interest to even talk to you about this, so just go the fuck away or you’ll regret it.
Christopher: You’re pretty hot when you’re angry!
Cecilia: YOU’LL BE PRETTY DEAD WHEN I KILL YOU
Christopher: Message received!
Cecilia: Amaya, what did I tell you about worlds of hurt?
Grayson: Seriously bitch, stop sending our food away!
Cecilia: Quick Sharlene, get behind me!
Lyndsay: So you can protect me?
Cecilia: No, so I can easily grab you for use as a human shield if I need to!
Cecilia: HAVE HAD!
Cecilia: ENOUGH OF YOU!
The Grim Reaper: DAMN THAT’S A NICE ASS. YOU WORK OUT, HONEY?
Autumn: Hey Cecilia! I came right back like you wanted me to!
Not while she’s still holding an axe, honey! Bad idea!
Sharlene: Look Melissa, are we gonna play or not?
Sharlene: Well if that’s the way you feel, forget about it!
After all this time, the Dromedarian Society is back in the hands of the living.
This is their new bartender, Knut Zarubin. Say hello to the nice people, Knut!
Comedy gold, I tell you.
Yeah, glad you eventually remembered that.
Here lies most of the zombie secret society. Lest we forget!
Amaya: I mostly listen to soft rock, some modern pop, whatever’s on the radio really.
Cecilia: I murder people with axes.
Amaya: I never really got into their stuff.
Sharlene: Why the fuck is this chair all of two feet from the table? Now nobody can ever sit in it at all ever for any reason ever!
Cecilia: You guys really put the whole “saving the world” thing into perspective, you know that?
Christopher: Your ass reminds me of Garrett, but only when he was briefly a zombie before you killed him.
Christopher: Look, I’m not too thrilled about it either okay?
Finally, I can fix some of her face. The hair and my far-away angles obscure most of the mess, but trust me, it’s there. And it bothers me. PEOPLE DO NOT HAVE WEIRD POLYGON ERRORS ON THEIR FACES. That’s all I’m saying.
Cecilia’s clearly on my side with this.
Holy fucking SHIT.
You’re almost my favourite.
Cecilia: Your face says “hot” but your hair says “Maxis” and that just won’t do.
Erin: OW! OW! OW OW OW! MY FLESH! MY PRECIOUS, PRECIOUS FLESSSSSH!
Cecilia: Don’t be such a wuss! -SNAP SNAP SNAP-
A vast improvement, if I do say so myself.
I was never that eager to get to class. NEVER.
Cecilia: And what’s your name?
Clarence Do: Clarence!
Cecilia: What a coincidence, I had a boyfriend named Clarence!
Clarence: Oh yeah? Maybe I should be your boyfriend, then! Heh heh. What happened between you guys?
Cecilia: I killed him with an axe.
Clarence: Hey, you know what? Forget what I said just now. Forget it a lot.
Cecilia: There! You look a lot like him now! You look a lot like that STUPID FUCKING ASSHOLE WHO RUINED EVERYTHING AND FORCED ME TO KNOCK HIS HEAD CLEAN OFF-
Clarence: HAHAHA IT LOOKS GREAT THANKS LOOK AT THE TIME IS THAT THE TIME WOW I GOTTA GO BYE
THESE are the people who survived. Jesus Christ.
Cecilia: Augh! Oh, for fucks sake…
Cecilia: IS IT TOO MUCH TO ASK THAT YOU FUCKERS FIX WHAT YOU BREAK? IS IT? IS IT REALLY?!
Cecilia: FUCKING! MOUTH! BREATHERS!
Cecilia: I SHOULD USE THIS WRENCH ON YOUR DUMBASS MOUTH-BREATHING FACES!
Furious Plumbing Goth Chicks Gone Wild: coming to A&E this summer.
Cecilia: Seriously? You fuckers do crank calls now? You give zombies a bad name, you know that?!
Amaya: Is this really necessary?
Cecilia: Asks the stupid bitch with a tiara on her head? YES IT’S FUCKING NECESSARY!
Cecilia: …well, okay… that’s not really an improvement, I admit. But it definitely suits the whole theme you already had going there…
Cecilia: Much better! Now do something creepy with your eyes!
Amaya: -does something creepy with her eyes-
If only you didn’t have those damnable Maxis eyes…
Just in case you forgot. Or did I ever show you? Whatever. This.
Hey, an establishing shot! Thanks, past self! Sometimes you’re not such a stupid fucking useless sack of shit!
But only sometimes.
Victoria’s Secret Society.
It’s so tragic! She saves the world, but she cannot save her breakfast!
Where’s my Pulitzer?
Congratulations! You won the fucking creepy eyes award! It’s not a good award to win.
She keeps walking in front of my camera, I swear. I swear!
Meet the new dorks, same as the old dorks.
Christopher: MAN YOU’RE JUST SO HOT
Cecilia: Back off, space invader! Fucking hell!
Gabe King: I think you should kiss Christopher.
Cecilia: I think you should fuck off and die. The difference is that you can’t make me kiss Christopher.
Cecilia: Whoah, Amaya, watch that new haircut! You okay?
Amaya: I’m dancing! O_O
Cecilia: I’m… sorry?
Again, there are just no words for this.
Addison: I HAD A FAMILY YOU KNOW
No you didn’t!
Addison: YOU’RE RIGHT I DON’T HAVE A FAMILY AND I NEVER WILL BECAUSE I’M DEAD NOW
Addison: You see this cheap-ass IKEA lamp? I’m going to haunt the FUCKING FUCK out of this CHEAP-ASS IKEA LAMP!
Why did I even put a cheap-ass IKEA lamp in here?
Cecilia: OH MY GOD A GHOST
Gabe: What? Where?
Erin: I don’t see any ghost.
Amaya: You’re imagining things.
Cecilia: Screw you guys!
Cecilia: If they already think I jump around for no reason, I might as well fucking do it.
Carl: Fuck that guy being all alive and walking and shit.
Trevor: Let’s fuck that fucker UP.
Garrett is significantly less badass.
Carl: BLAAAURGH YOU LOOK LIKE A DOUCHEBAG
Clarence: AAAAAAAGH IT’S NOT MY FAULT
Trevor: BLAAAURGH I WANT A DRINK BUT I CAN’T HAVE ONE BECAUSE I’M DEAAAADDD
Gabe: Now you’re just being a dick, dude.
Trevor: But dude, it’s fucking funny right! Ahahaha!
Gabe: Well… maybe a little.
Knut: I think I’m having a heart attack…
Cecilia: Drop D? Chris, you talentless hack.
Cecilia: Oh my god!
Garrett: Scary, huh? 😀
Cecilia: No, I’m just shocked you thought that would work on me! I GIVE THE DEVIL NIGHTMARES.
Cecilia: MOMMY MAKE IT STOP
You know what they say, you reap what you sow.
Man, you’re cute.
IT’S A TRAP!
Haha! I like you so much better as a dead guy.
This is rapidly becoming an unhealthy place to hang out.
Sharlene: HOLY SHIT A POMPADOUR OH NO
Wow. Nothing could make that more awkward.
Cecilia: Hey, nice job pissing yourself, wussbag!
I stand corrected.
Cecilia: Man, Sharlene sure does smell bad, huh guys? Almost like Carl’s ghost made her pee her widdle pants, am I right?
Trevor: That piss should be MINE.
You want to piss yourself?
Trevor: No, I mean… fuck you. You know what I mean.
Yeah, but it’s fun to tease you.
Because you’re dead.
Carl: GHOSTLY NOISES!
Cecilia: If I wave my arms and act scared will you cut it out?
Cecilia: Did you see that, Sharlene? How I didn’t piss myself? Want me to show you to the shower?
If I were surrounded by corpses and ghosts, I bet I’d drink a lot too.
She looks so peaceful in her sleep. I wonder what she’s dreaming about?
I wonder, but I don’t really want to find out.
Cecilia: Oh, hey William! Funny story: you’re boring. Thanks for calling!
Christopher: You know what? You have a KILLER bust.
Cecilia: Okay, that tears it. You’re getting the CHAIR, asshole.
Christopher: …it’s a salon chair? Okay. That’s better than what I was expecting. Considerably.
Cecilia: I’m sure I have no idea what you’re talking about.
Cecilia: Oh… -snrrk-
Christopher: What? WHAT?
Christopher: What’s so funny?
Christopher: You stupid bitch! You dirty whore! You’re messing with the wrong guy!
Cecilia: Ohhh dear…
Christopher: Yeah, you better be worried!
Cecilia: I am…
Cecilia: …because I don’t know how I’m gonna explain this to the rest of the Society.
Cecilia: Wait, I know! OH MY GOD EVERYONE HELP CHRISTOPHER IS TRYING TO RAPE ME
I say it a lot, but here it’s undeniable: nothing you could possibly say would make this any funnier than it already is. I defy you.
You don’t fuck with Cecilia.
I can’t wait to see this ghost.
Cecilia: I’d like to share a poem I wrote. It’s called “Christopher: The Rapist Behind the Face Paint.”
Cecilia: My work is done here.
And so is mine! Next update: Cecilia again! Time to pull out all the stops and take the fight to the zombies.