The Pine Valley Chronicles, Chapter Twenty-Five (Take One!)

WARNING! Sex, nudity, and death. You know, the good stuff!

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Welcome to my first attempt at Chapter Twenty-Five of the Pine Valley Chronicles! You’ll see why it’s only my first attempt at the end.

Yes, I know, it’s been forever. I’ve been busy. Now I’m not, so here we go!

We’ve got Cecilia at university this update with nobody else in sight! Stop crying, you’ll live.

Who’s this loser, I hear you asking? That’s Clarence Sartor, Cecilia’s paperboyfriend. Kind of a sad sack, isn’t he?

Clarence: DUDE. I’m RIGHT HERE.

Oh, you can’t get back at me so you lash out at that poor defenceless flamingo? Cold, dude. Real cold.

Finally, someone interesting.

Cecilia: Whoah… I don’t feel too good…

Yikes. It must have been your fashion sense tingling, warning you of danger.

Cecilia: Well, c’mon Clarence. We’d better get some new clothes. After all, if you don’t clean up a lot better than this, I’ll have to kill you! Ahahahaha!
Clarence: Ahahahaha!
Cecilia: Why are you laughing?

Huh. Adriana’s tombstone finally revealed itself. That’s weird, considering she’s been dead since half-past forever.

What you’re seeing is the fallout from William’s last couple flings at MNU. Nobody’s been in this dorm since he graduated.

Oh, and it’s named after him now, because he’s a big hero and everything. Coming soon: Murphy Hall.

Cecilia: Ugh. This is gonna be painful.
Brady: She’s not walking towards me, is she? Is she? Oh god. She is, isn’t she?

Cecilia: Seriously? I don’t know if I have enough axes for this shit.

Well what the fuck do you expect? He’s a zombie!

Cecilia: No, I mean… other than that. He’s just really fucking ugly.

Cecilia: YOU’RE NOT GOING TO BUY ANYTHING YOU’RE NOT A REAL PERSON GET OUT OF MY WAY

Clarence: .oO(Man, I wish I knew that girl, she’s really awesome and hot.)
Cecilia: Hey, Clarence. You about ready to go?
Clarence: .oO(Oh my god! She’s talking to me! What do I do?! Don’t freeze up, dude! DON’T FREEZE UP!)
Cecilia: You’re hopeless.

Clarence: Hi, I’m Clarence. What’s your name?
Steffi: Brains…
Clarence: And good looks, too!

Clarence gets a makeover to match Cecilia’s. Biker couple from hell! She’s from hell, anyway. He’s from, like, New Jersey or something.

So basically hell.

Clarence: Whoah, hey, control yourself baby! There’s enough Clarence to go around!

I don’t think she wants to share.

Cecilia: Aw, my baby’s first fistfight!

Aren’t you gonna help?

Cecilia: All I’ve got is axes, and I’m not really that into mixed martial arts.

Cecilia: WOOOOO! KICK THAT GIRL’S ASS!
Jerome: That’s not very politically correct!
Cecilia: KICK THAT GIRl’S ASS SO I CAN KILL THIS PUSSY DOUCHEBAG BESIDE ME!

Chris: …guitaaarrrss…

Marylena: Let me see that snakeskin one, I think it will go well with my rotting complexion.
Emma: Go for the teal, Mary, it matches your skin.

Crappy luck, Clarence. Steffi’s not a vegetarian like Marylena.

Steffi: Holy shit! He’s a zombie! RUN EVERYONE THERE’S A ZOMBIE HERE!

Cecilia: Hey, Addison right?
Addison: How did you know that?
Cecilia: I’ve got a dossier on you. You’re in the secret society, aren’t you?
Addison: That’s a secret.
Cecilia: Not for long.

Cecilia: So yeah, nice going honey! I love how I left you alone for five seconds and you fucked everything up forever.
Clarence: I know right!

Daryl: Hey Clarence! Hey Cecilia! Your brains are looking really awesome right now!
Clarence: Thanks!
Daryl: That last part was only for Cecilia.

Clarence: Oh, okay, gonna go relax in your room for a bit, honey? That’s cool, I might drop by later.

Cecilia: I was hoping to get settled in a bit before I got started, but I guess there’s no time like the present…

Man, you have a great profile.

Is that Neil’s?

Cecilia: Yeah, he kept it under his bed.

Got a permit for it?

Cecilia: It’s a machinegun. It’s its own permit.

True enough.

Cecilia: It’s sad, really… I’d just gotten him trained the way I wanted him.

Clarence: Whoah, black dude, look out! I think she’s gonna throw that axe at you!

Clarence: Come on, baby… how in the world did you miss by that much? It was a wide open shot. I’m so disappointed in yyygggrbblll.

Cecilia: -giggle- Oh, Clarence… I’ll miss you.

Will you?

Cecilia: Will I what?

Will you miss Clarence?

Cecilia: Who’s that, then?

Cecilia: Hey, it’s the big guy! What’s shakin’, Grims?
The Grim Reaper: SUP G.

Jesus CHRIST. William’s been gone for like a DECADE, people!

Also you’re a zombie, Amaya.

Cecilia: Oh, I’m enjoying university just fine! Thank you! Well, now that you mention it, I always have thought of myself as a secretive kind of person, yeah!

Who’re you talking to?

Cecilia: Trevor Phelps.

He’s in the Secret Society! Why are you talking to him?

Cecilia: Um, duh? To get into the Secret Society?

Why do you want to do that?! They’re all zombies!

Cecilia: EXACTLY.

Cecilia: Oh, sure, sure. Death is only the beginning, all that rot. Sorry, I didn’t mean to say rot. Yes, I know it was insensitive, I said I’m sorry.

Kimberly Nott: Hey Cecilia! I’m Kimberly, I live here too! Mind if I take a look around?
Cecilia: I’ll talk to you later, Roger. I need to have some sharp words with a very foolish woman.

Kimberly: Hey, is this a machinegun?! That’s so cool! I mean, I don’t know WHY you’d have a machinegun, so that’s kinda creepy, but I’m sure if I tell the police they’ll explain it to me.
Cecilia: Hold that thought.

Cecilia: .oO(Fucking bitch coming into my fucking room.)

Rodney Midlock: Hey, sexy! How’s tricks?
Cecilia: You want to see a trick? How about I do my amazing disappearing male genital routine on you?
Rodney: I’ma keep walking.
Cecilia: Good idea.

Kimberly: I was just doing an assignment on your desk. That’s not a problem, is it?
Cecilia: You do an assignment on my desk, I do a number on your face. I call it a fair trade. Shall we step outside?

WHUCK.

Cecilia: AND STAY OUT.

Cecilia: Did you see her face? Could you spot her in a crowd? Didn’t think so.

The Grim Reaper: HEY, A LITTLE PERSONAL SPACE HERE IF YOU DON’T MIND.

Blazej: Hey, c’mon Kimberly, let’s smustle! Yeah! Woo! It’s the craze that’s sweeping the SimNation!

Blazej: Oh yeah baby, feel the rhythm.
Rishell: If you were any more white, you’d be a snowman.

Blazej: Do the monkey! Do the robot! Do the smacking the Grim Reaper on the back of the head while he’s on the phone!
The Grim Reaper: OW! OKAY, YOU’RE ON THE LIST NOW.
Mackenzie: This is great! Wow, Kimberly, you’re the best!

Blazej: Do the our friend just died! Do the creeping realization that there’s a murderer in the dormitory! Do the… slowly stop dancing… and run away.

Addison: And there was this redhead, and she was SOOOO hot, and I wanted to bone her, but there was this redheaded DUDE, and he was her boyfriend, and anyway she died and he got us all turned into zombies.
Cecilia: Yeah… I think I heard about that somewhere.

Jerome Carlson: BEST DORM EVER.
Cecilia: Don’t bother taking a picture, memories will last the rest of your life. And that won’t be very long anyway.

Cecilia: Is he still there?

Yeah. He’s still there.

Cecilia: Can I kill him?

I wouldn’t recommend it.

Cecilia: Can you kill him?

I’m seriously considering it.

Jerome: Now you can watch me shower too!
Cecilia: I’d rather lance boils with my teeth.

Joy Thompson: WHY CAN’T I SIT IN THIS CHAIR

Sometimes I feel like this university is actually a retard academy.

Alon Tan: Do the car crash!
Cecilia: .oO(That is SO HOT…)

Speaking of so hot…

Alas, it never lasts.

Yeah, that’s inconspicuous.

Catalina Thomason: Why am I doing this again?

Because you’re a cop, and cops abduct people to induct them into the university’s Secret Society.

Catalina: And what kind of sense does that make?

Maxis sense.

Cecilia: Let me at her, I’ll tear her to pieces. And then eat them.

I don’t doubt it.

Cecilia: Yeah, you have to get up pret-ty early in the morning to get the drop on Cecilia Phelps.
Catalina: She always this stupid?
Rishell: Pretty much, yeah.

Catalina: I’M A FUCKING CHICKEN WELL HOW ABOUT THAT

Cecilia: What the fuck?

I think I’d react similarly.

Catalina: I TOLD YOU I’M A FUCKING CHICKEN SO WHAT YOU GONNA DO ABOUT IT?!
Cecilia: WHAT THE SERIOUS FUCK LADY?!

Catalina: HAHAHA ANYWAY YOU’RE ARRESTED.

If I lived in Pine Valley and someone was robbing my house, I don’t think I’d call the cops.

Cecilia: I can march myself out.
Catalina: …I’m blanking. Help me out here. What do I do now?

Rishell: I know nothing, I see nothing, I hear nothing.

Wendy: Hey, Cecilia! Where you going?
Cecilia: Jail or something.
Wendy: Bring me back something nice!
Cecilia: I will.

Catalina: Alright, let’s go. You’re in a great deal of trouble, young lady.

She certainly is.

Amin senses Cecilia’s murderous evil and is instantly smitten.

Addison: Shut up, you pig! I like her for her BRAINS.

What are you so happy about?

Cecilia: I’ve been waiting for this for a long, long time.

Cecilia: Alright, who’s first?
Roger: Oh, it’s on bitch!

Carl: It’s okay, Roger! Get her with a left hook, then jab with your right! You got this, Roger!

Carl: Dodge, Trevor! Go into bullet time! Why doesn’t anyone listen to me?

Benjamin: Trevor, stop fucking around in the road. It isn’t safe.

Melissa: Oh nooooo I’m gonna lose my joooobbbb… 🙁
Benjamin: I know I should be scared but this is just so goddamn hot…

Not so tough without your Queen, are you?

Cecilia: Geez, I hope I brought enough for everybody.

Alright, I get it. Zombies are ugly. Can we move on?

Skylar: -considers doing the limbo under Grimmy’s scythe-
Chris: -is just standing around, waiting her turn-

Chris: Oh no, she’s gonna throw an axe at me 😀

Chris: Oh no, she threw an axe at me 😀

Chris: Oh no, I’m dead 😀

That was weird.

Good momentum, Cecilia. Keep it up. Or, you know, you’ll die horribly.

Cadence: Hi, I’m new here! What’s up?

You might want to come back later…

…because things are a bit hectic at the moment.

Maria: WHAT THE FUCK DUDE NOT ON A FIRST DATE
Angel: Go… blonde dude? I guess?

Whose side are you on?

Andy: I’m in college!

You’ll be in a COFFIN if you don’t turn around and go home right this minute.

Once again the invincibility-granting powers of obliviousness make themselves felt.

Andy: What’s everyone doing outside?
Cadence: I dunno, probably some sort of initiation thing.
Andy: I sure hope they don’t do it to us.

I know we’re deep in the middle of the woods, but seriously. That thing is going off like a strobe light. How are the cops not here yet?

This is not a good time to stretch!

Cecilia: Yeah, it’s just not working out here. I’m getting ready to lift the box.

How are your arms that weak? You work out constantly.

Cecilia: I have to be careful not to pull a muscle in my axe-throwing arm.

Cecilia: Hey, inside people! Awesome. Try not to get eaten, okay?
Cadence: Eaten? Eaten by what?
Cecilia: Well, eaten by anything really. You need me to tell you that?

Cecilia hopes to lure the zombies inside so they stop picking off the new arrivals. That’s gonna be a hard trick to time…

…and it also sacrifices everyone who’s outside already.

Cecilia: Man, that shit is HEAVY. I’ve got serious carpal tunnel going on right here.

Kevin: Brains? Cecilia? Brains?

Cecilia: You want brains? I’LL GIVE YOU BRAINS!
Cadence: I’m sure there’s a logical explanation for all of this, and I really don’t want to know what it is.

Yeah, awesome. Three grown fratboys beating up a beanpole. No wonder you’re so proud of yourselves.

Angel: Why does my ass-

NO. We’ve made that joke like fifty times. No more!

Ilsa: What the serious fuck?

Yeah, what the serious fuck, Cecilia? I thought you were luring them inside!

Cecilia: They were taking too long!

THEY’RE ZOMBIES! TAKING TOO LONG IS THEIR WHOLE SHTICK!

Once again, her mistakes are costly for the people she’s supposedly protecting.

Ilsa: Geez, guys, get a room.
Cadence: help
Ilsa: I’m not into that shit, you pervert.

Lisa: I’m gonna watch the fight while I do my homework!
Cecilia: I’m so fucking done with you mouth-breathers…

Cecilia: Seriously? Fireproof zombies? This is bullshit.

Cecilia: Alright, Plan… D? E? F? I don’t even fucking know at this point. HEY ANGEL COME INTO THIS SECLUDED ROOM FOR A MINUTE OKAY I HAVE CANDY

Cecilia: HEY CARL I WANT TO HAVE SEX WITH YOU IN THIS SECLUDED ROOM FOR A MINUTE OKAY I HAVE CANDY

Cecilia: Okay, now what the fuck? I called Angel and Carl!
Skylar: They don’t like candy.

Skylar: BUT I WILL TAKE CANDY IF ALL YOU HAVE OTHERWISE IS BULLETS
Tamara: I can see you guys need your privacy. I’ll just be going now.

Skylar: You can take… my life… but you’ll never take-
Cecilia: LA LA LA I’M DROWNING YOU OUT NO BADASS LAST WORDS FOR YOU FAGGOT

Tamara: She’s right behind me, isn’t she?

Guess.

Angel: Boo! BOO! You SUCK!

Who sucks?

Cadence sucks. Cecilia, this isn’t working either!

Cecilia: No shit, Sherlock! Got any better ideas?
Carl: -punches Angel in the back of the head-
Angel: -dies twice-

Brittany: Huh, the door’s locked. Guess I’ll wait out here until someone with a key shows up.

Good idea…

…because you really don’t want to go inside right now anyway. Also, seriously Cecilia? Clapping with an assault rifle in your hands?

Cecilia: Yeah, because I wouldn’t want to accidentally shoot anybody.

Point taken.

Cecilia: WOO! GO ADDISON!

Huh? What?

Cecilia: The sooner they eat all the newbies the sooner I can axe everybody.

I keep forgetting you’re still evil.

Wally: Seriously? The door’s locked? This is bullshit.

Brittany: This is so unprofessional.
Wally: My brother’s in the Landgraab Society at Sim State, and they never forget to unlock the front door.
Brittany: I’m gonna get my chauffeur to ask my daddy to complain for me.

How’s the birdwatching, Andy?

Andy: I headed out back for some fresh air and now the fucking door’s locked!

How about that?

Cecilia: Excellent. Now get the black girl and we can get this show on the road.
Ilsa: “The black girl”? Seriously?
Cecilia: There’s not much point in learning your name. The tombstones engrave themselves automatically.

Cecilia: When I turn back around you fuckers better be ready to go.
Carl: I have to pee!
Cecilia: You should have thought of that before you zombie.

Cecilia: Alright, too fucking slow. Addison! Catch!
Cadence: Good catch, Addison!
Ilsa: Hey, Cecilia? Could you open the front door for me?

Ilsa: …Cecilia? CECILIA?!?!

Jackie: How long have you guys been waiting?
Wally: Like, fucking forever.
Brittany: This is getting ridiculous…

Cecilia: This is getting ridiculous…

Wally: Hey, do you hear that? I think someone’s inside!
Brittany: Hello? Hello, in there?! Let us in! We’re rich!

That won’t work. Zombies hate spoiled meat.

Ha ha ha… oh… I slay myself.

Cecilia: Awesome! Savour the moment briefly and then present forehead.

Cecilia: Oh, feel the burn! I love this exercise!

Ilsa: Oh my god, the secret society is full of zombies!

You’re a swift one.

Zach: What are all these people doing out here?

Carl: Come on, Cecilia! Just a nibble! You won’t even know it’s gone! I’ll take it from the hippocampus.

The art…

…of whuck.

Everyone: THIS IS BULLSHIT LET US IN

Cecilia: In a minute, dammit! I’m just cleaning up first!

Brittany: Is that our maid? She doesn’t sound very capable.
Wally: I’m gonna hire a butler as soon as I get inside.
Jackie: Why don’t we call one right now?
Brittany: No cell phone reception out in the woods.
Wally: I bet this is what hell is like.

Joey: Yo peeps, what up?
Wally: Did anyone else notice that tombstone over there?
Zach: It’s ethnic decor, adds local flavour. You philistines wouldn’t understand.

Carl: I thought I was your favourite! You left me for last!
Cecilia: That’s because you were the least dangerous, Carl.
Melissa: Well… it’s done, I guess. Gonna let the new arrivals in now?
Cecilia: In a minute. I’ve got one last piece of business to attend to…

Cecilia: …race traitors.
Melissa: WHOAH HOLD ON WAIT A SECOND
Andy: FUCKING FINALLY! Thanks for opening the door, man.
The Grim Reaper: NO PROB.

Cecilia: The others were for practical reasons. This one is all pleasure, baby.

Melissa: My life is flashing before my eyes!

What’s it like?

Melissa: It’s like watching someone get served a drink forty thousand times in a row, what do you think? Go to the next pic already, this is fucking torture.

Andy: Fuck this place, I’m going home.
Zach: DUDE DON’T CLOSE THE DOOR BEHIND YOU IT’S LOCKED FROM THE INSIDE

-click-

Everyone: NOOOOOOO
Cecilia: Oh, man… I love torturing rich kids.

You’re a rich kid.

Cecilia: That’s probably why.

I love what you’ve done with the place.

Cecilia: Alright, come on in! Welcome to the Phelps Society!
Billy: I thought this was the Dromedarian Society?
Cecilia: They had to leave. If you want to leave too, keep arguing with me.

Cecilia: Well, what do you think? Decorated it myself.

I think that sums it up pretty nicely.

Thankfully, their trust-fund instincts kick in soon enough and they’re back to thinking about their favourite subjects…

…but I don’t think they’ll be forgetting Cecilia any time soon.

That’s the end of this half of the update! Know what happens next? I’ll tell you! THE GAME CRASHED AND I LOST EVERYTHING THAT HAPPENED FROM THE TIME SHE ARRIVED AT THE SECRET SOCIETY. SO I HAD TO DO THIS ENTIRE THING. AGAIN.

And you’re gonna see it all in glorious technicolour. It’s my gift to you. SHARE MY PAIN.

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