The Pine Valley Chronicles, Chapter Twenty-Four

Warning: Nudity! Sex! Swearing! Not! Safe! For! Work!

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Welcome to Chapter Twenty-Four of the Pine Valley Chronicles!

Randy: PISS YOURSELF AND DIE OLD MANBradley: AAAAAAAHHHHH I DON’T KNOW WHO YOU ARE

Randy: That’s one down! I guess you’re already dead, too, since you’re a zombie… will the judges accept it? They will! The crowd goes wild! Reiner wins it all!
Bradley: I just washed these shorts!
Randy: Beautiful women fellate him!
Bradley: And how am I gonna explain this to my daughter? It’ll start with “it’s okay dad, I understand” but before you know it POW I’m in a retirement home telling an old but acceptably attractive woman about how I used to be a prison guard back in the twenties when we executed a magic black man.
Randy: …I’m gonna go now.

The way people react to trees on fire in Pine Valley, you’d think the entire neighbourhood was one big GreenPeace cell.

Does GreenPeace have cells?

Don’t all terrorists?

Chelsea: Beautiful.

Yeah, for a given definition of “beautiful.” One that includes “ugly” somewhere within its spectrum.

The Grim Reaper: LOOK, MAN, I DON’T KNOW WHO YOU ARE OR WHAT YOU WANT FROM ME, BUT SOMETIMES I HAVE BETTER THINGS TO DO THAN PLAY AFTERLIFE TENNIS WITH YOU. KEEP YOUR BIZARRE RESURRECTION FETISH TO YOURSELF FROM NOW ON, OKAY?
Peter: Lora Gast, please? My credit card number is on file.
The Grim Reaper: I AM HOLDING YOUR FILE RIGHT NOW. I AM MAKING A VERY ANGRY FACE AT YOUR FILE. YOUR FILE QUAVERS AT THE SIGHT OF MY AWESOME AND TERRIBLE VISAGE. AND IF THIS BITCH COMES BACK TO ME IN FIVE MINUTES I’M GONNA COME UP THERE AND I’M GONNA KICK YOUR SOGGY BLUE ASS. –click-

Peter: Ooh, lean back just a bitttt farther… –leers-

Kaylynn: Death said to give you a message.
Peter: What is it?
Kaylynn: I think it’s one of those words that ends the world if you say it.

Kaylynn: I guess we’re gonna be doing this shit for a long time, so we might as well get to know each other. I’m Kaylynn. You are?
Lora Gast: Not talking to a giant llama.

Cameron: Whaaaale braaaains… me hearties…

It wouldn’t be long before loopholes in the city jogging rules would be discovered.

Lora: I FUCKING HATE THIS VIOLIN –scraaaaape-
Violin: D8

Peter’s zombie chick collection is certainly piling up, wouldn’t you say?

Aaaaand monkey statues. You want to know how rich Victoria and Neil Sharpe were before they died?

Cecilia had to carry TWENTY of these with her to university so they could “hold” her inheritance. THEY COST FIFTEEN THOUSAND DOLLARS EACH.

OMG NEW PAPERGIRL! This is Elle Ngai. Please don’t go nuts and start, like… a werewolf apocalypse, okay?

Elle: That sounds pretty awesome, so no promises.

Flouting sci-fi convention, FRIDAY is now the only adult Sim in the household who ACTS entirely human. He’s raised the kids, and now he’s training the cat!

That thing where he occasionally forgets that the light switches aren’t precious works of modern art, though, is a bit troubling.

FRIDAY: Comment: Greetings, necrotic!

FRIDAY: Comment: Observe, necrotic!

FRIDAY: Comment: KISS YOUR HAPPINESS GOODBYE BITCH

Vicki: OH MY GOD GET IT AWAY FROM ME OH MY GOD WHAT JUST HAPPENED

She ran ten feet and fell on her ass lol

Vicki: Bllrblrblrbl I’ll never be rich enough to afford a robot blrblrblrbl…

FRIDAY’s sensitivity circuits must have gotten fused at some point.

FRIDAY: Comment: Thank you for surrendering your spiritual essence, necrotic. Please return again if repeated applications are desired.
Vicki: .oO(Don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry…)

Here’s Rich Hill in all its glory! The building in the foreground is, of course, the current Murphy abode. Clockwise from there: the Sharpe Mansion (which Cecilia just vacated for university), the Price Mansion, and the previous Murphy abode.

Leonard: I’m glad we’re watching this movie together, Sullivan. ++
Sullivan: I’m glad your brother didn’t notice that I pissed in his cereal box.

Leonard: Heh heh… heh… hey, what’s that over there?
Sullivan: There’s nothing over there.
Leonard: I’d better go check it out.
Sullivan: There is absolutely nothing to check out.
Leonard: Man, what IS that?
Sullivan: It’s fucking NOTHING is what I’m telling you!

Sullivan: Where the hell are you going?
Leonard: Away from you! AWKWARDLY, thanks to Mr. Can’t Take a Goddamn HINT.

Sullivan: Kids these days. I bet he even believed me when I said it was his brother’s cereal.

Leonard: Mmm… I can smell Sullivan alllll over this couch. I can imagine the contours of his-

YOU SHOULDN’T HAVE BEEN RAISED BY A ROBOT OKAY I’M SORRY STOP PUNISHING ME FOR IT

Okay, what the fuck are you playing at?

Jade: Hmm?

Don’t “hmm” me, bitch. You keep inserting yourself into the family. Now you’re even coming home from work with someone?! What’s your angle here?

Jade: Well. Thank you for that frank and honest assessment, FRIDAY.

FRIDAY: Comment: No seriously lady you are some fat smelly amoeba of a woman.

Tell us how you really feel.

FRIDAY: Offer: If you need to talk about it, I totally understand. It must be awful, being that ugly with nobody to talk to because you’re so ugly-
Jade: ALRIGHT ALRIGHT I FUCKING GET IT

Sullivan: Oh my! I must say, when you’re in this house it’s like the sun has finally come out!
Jade: That’s such a sweet thing to s-
Sullivan: So get the fuck outside, you revolting whore, before you ruin everything! I’ve cultivated this sad failure of a family for YEARS and I’m not gonna let some frazzled chemistry bitch reverse all my hard work!

Sullivan: The judge ruled in my favour, although it might have had something to do with how he woke up next to his naked beheaded daughter in bed the morning before the trial.

Sullivan: I heard the sirens, but those fat bastards couldn’t catch a fart if the wind was blowing toward them. I stashed the kittens in a dumpster and made sure to light the fuse before I ran.

Sullivan: “But Sully” he said, and you should have seen the look on his face, this asshole was actually crying, “But Sully, we all know you’re a smooth criminal, you don’t have to chop off our testicles to prove it!” But, I mean, you try telling that to Moloch, devourer of pre-pubescent testicles. You think that fucker listens? It was all I could do to convince him that my brothers were actually little children. I mean I could have given him the real stuff, but you know, once you get a taste for something…

I think Jade speaks for us all.

Daryl: She’s gonna SHOWER! AWESOME! Then I can CLEAN IT!

Daryl: Dammit… she was just pacing.
Brandi: Please… let me ouuuutttt…
Daryl: I heard something! Like the rustling of the wind through a bed of leav-
Brandi: LET ME THE FUCK OUT OF HERE DARYL
Daryl: There it is again!

Brandi: Is this because of that stupid cheating thing? Because no jury in the world would convict me! What kind of a man wears tweed and sports a beard that could be used to clean chimneys?

The kind of man who is supposed to be curing zombiism but is instead playing with a Rubik’s Sphere.

Andrew: Thinking about other things once in a while boosts my productivity.

What do you think about?

Andrew: That bitch downstairs dying, mostly.

Cameron: So I checked the fridge, and there’s still no brains in there. I even smelled it, and it doesn’t smell like there’s ever been brains in there.
Andrew: Mhmm…

Cameron: You’re so insensitive to my needs! How would you like it if I took away your beard conditioner? Huh?
Andrew: Uh-huh…
Cameron: I HOPE YOUR PATHETIC SPECIES DIES IN A SLOPPY WET MESS!
Andrew: If your mother says you can.
Cameron: MY MOTHER’S BEEN DEAD FOR FIFTEEN YEARS!

It’s like they’re already married!

I’m starting to wonder why I thought those maps were logical bathroom decorations.

And why they’re not in the previous shots.

Cameron: Mmm, this carpet smells delicious!

You’re smelling Andrew and Brandi. They’ve had sex right there like ten times.

Cameron: Mmm, flesh and bodily fluids. I knew it.

Ugh.

You know what they say… you can dress a zombie up, but…

…huh. Maybe it works!

Cameron: …and he’s always THINKING about shit with his big stupid BRAIN and I used to be really SMART TOO but now I’m a fucking ZOMBIE and there’s no BRAINS in the REFRIGERATOR and…
Vyn: Hi guys! What’s this I keep hearing about brains?
Cameron: Private conversation, bitch!

Whatcha cheering about, Andrew?

Oh.

Daryl: Wait, I think I can clean this up. I’ve got some lye soap in my apartment, it dissolves this shit right away.

Bye, Brandi!

Brandi: You’ll resurrect me when the apocalypse is over, of course, won’t you?

Ha! No.

Andrew’s pretty stoked.

Andrew: This is the first thing she’s done in years that I approve of! Nice going, Brandi! Yeah! Starving to death couldn’t happen to a more deserving person!

Bitter much?

Joseph: Tell me again why we couldn’t eat her brains?
Cameron: She cheated on a mad scientist, Joseph. She didn’t have any.

Did I tell you that she stars in her own reality show now? It’s called “The Deadest Catch.” No word of a lie.

The only joy Andrew gets out of life these days comes from electrocuting himself.

That’s still more joy than I get.

Melanie finally gets fired from whatever job she still had. I guess “I’m locked in my ex-boyfriend’s attic” doesn’t fly as an excuse.

Said ex-boyfriend is takin’ ‘er pretty easy for a man with a zombie locked upstairs.

I bet you never knew secret agents played video games in their underwear before going to work toppling evil dictators in poverty-ridden republics.

Are you really improved by that knowledge?

Still hard at work, eh?

Melanie: Well, there’s this thing about hard work…

Melanie: …sometimes, it PAYS OFF.

-ZAP-

Melanie: SWEET.

Melanie: Look out girls, look out boys… here comes Mel, and she DESTROYS.

Melanie: Just a flick of the wrist…

Sullivan: The screaming little shits… I can still feel their stink all over me.

Sullivan: Oh, hi Melanie.

Sullivan: I’ll go fix you some sandwiches.

Melanie: An elegant dismount, and we’re ready to rock!

Sullivan: WAIT A MINUTE HOLY FUCK HOW DID YOU GET OUT

Melanie: And now for a little help from my friends.

Melanie: Of course, we’re working with a loose definition of “friends” here.

Melanie: My god, Victoria! You’re alive! I was so worried after your son SHOT YOU TO DEATH with that machine gun! LET’S BE SURE TO THANK HIM FOR THAT WHEN HE GETS HOME, SHALL WE?

Tori Kosmokos: Hello? Anybody home? I’m collecting for Fashion Victims Anonymous?

Melanie: I didn’t know this place had delivery!

Melanie: It’s so delightful to eat a new person! Meat. Meat a new person.
Tori: I think I’m hearing letters in there that I shouldn’t be.

This is the face of someone who is realizing, a bit too late, that she’s made a really stupid mistake.

Neil: …braaains?
Victoria: Braiinnns. :O
Neil: Braiinnnnsss! 😀

Mallory: Okay, okay, what would Franklin do? He’d… he’d attack and kill the zombie! Yeah! Right on!

And how would he attack and kill the zombie?

Mallory: …with… with his ray gun. Shit. SHIT!

Melanie: Well, your heart was in the right place at least. That’s good. I hate having to rummage around looking for it.

Mallory: -wields her ignorance as a mighty shield-

Melanie: You know, it’s funny… the only resistance these people have to being eaten is complete and utter obliviousness.
Tori: …braaaainssssss…
Melanie: You’re depressing to talk to, Tori, you really are.

Neil: Huh. Wall. What’s going on with this wall?

I think dying, being resurrected, being infected, dying, and being resurrected again has scrambled their brains a bit.

Mallory: No! You can’t do this to me! I’m a SimNational! I have rights! And I’m cute! I’m a main character’s girlfriend, dammit!

That would hold more water if he wasn’t already dead.

Melanie: You guys are kicking up too much dust, I don’t want him to smell it from outside and get spooked. –waters the floor-

It’s the only explanation that makes any sense…

Mallory: FUCK YEAH! Against all odds, a hero emerges! She’s victorious, and the music SWELLS!

Melanie: And then she gets her ass kicked, and I eat her BRAINS!

Someone wicked this way comes.

Home, compromised home.

Good day at work?

William: Killed ten people!

Like sister, like brother.

Melanie: Hello, William…

Melanie: MISS ME?
William: .oO(WHAT THE FUCK HOW DID SHE OH MY GOD and also I got a raise.)

William: .oO(Five guns in this house and the only one on hand is the one that scans for fingerprints. Badly. Fuck my life.)

William: I JUST REMEMBERED I LEFT THE OVEN ON
Melanie: I was just up there. The oven isn’t on.
William: THEN I’D BETTER TURN IT ON SO I CAN TURN IT OFF LATER
Melanie: Well, go on then. Run. It’s not like you can hide up there for long.

Melanie: Found you!
William: For the last time.

Melanie: Oh, come on! We’ve been through this before, it doesn’t work!
William: You’re part of the household now, Melanie! I bet you it fucking WILL!

Melanie: It’s a terrific death, ladies and gentlemen! The body is crashing to the ground. Oh, the humanity!
William: Shut up, Melanie.

Melanie: DON’T FUCK UP MY DEATH SCENE.

Add this to the list of things Melanie has done that will haunt me to my dying day.

Melanie: I CAN STILL… FUCK YOU UP… IN YOUR NIGHTMARES.

Yes. Yes you can.

William: I’m sure you won’t begrudge me a celebratory heel-clicking.

William: See you soon, honey.
Melanie: …what?

The Grim Reaper: HOLY SHIT, FINALLY. MAYBE NOW I CAN LIST MY NUMBER IN THE PHONE BOOK AGAIN. KILL THAT REINER GUY YET?
William: No, not yet. Wouldn’t you know?
The Grim Reaper: BEEN SUBCONTRACTING A LOT LATELY, YOU GUYS KEEP ME TOO FUCKING BUSY. MAYBE YOU’VE MET MY NEPHEW? SCROFULA?
William: Who the hell dies of scrofula?

I don’t think you have time to be chatting with Death, William. Stop too long for him and he’ll be stopping for you right after.

William: I just want you to know that this isn’t a commentary on your haircut, although it is pretty fucking awful.

William: Whoa, Tori! Watch where you’re walking! I prefer to do you all individually.

Melanie’s death hits everyone at once. They react in different ways. Neil, for example, reacts by realizing that his wife smells like shit.

Victoria: …friiiiidge…
Neil: Little help here, honey?
William: Back into the urn, dad!
Neil: Have some heart, son! Don’t you feel bad about this at all?
William: It’s kinda like double jeopardy. You can’t feel like shit twice for killing the same parent.

William: Besides… you’re already dead. You just haven’t fallen down yet.
Neil: Where do the BULLETS YOU’RE SHOOTING ME WITH fit into that?
William: I allow myself some poetic license.

And stay that way!

The Grim Reaper: THIS IS GONNA GO INTO OVERTIME, ISN’T IT?

William: Alright, mom. Assume death position.

Victoria: Don’t look, William!

Lovely. One final indignity.

William: Oh holy FUCK mom, come on!

Pick the gun back up! PICK THE GUN BACK UP!

William: Why do they always do that thing with the hand? Do they want a handshake or something? Do they thing I’m gonna pull them up, give them a big hug, and forget the whole shooting-the-zombies thing? Seriously, man. Dead people. Go figure.

William: As Saturday evening entertainments go, this has kinda sucked, won’t lie.

William: Also, woof that woman smells bad. Any chance you could beam the piss up with her, old bean?
The Grim Reaper: I AM NOT A PAPER TOWEL, WILLIAM SHARPE.
William: It was worth a try.
The Grim Reaper: ALSO, PLEASE STOP TALKING TO ME. I AM OF TERRIBLE AND UNKNOWN ASPECT. I AM THE GRIM REAPER. I AM THE HARVESTER OF WORLDS. I AM NOT YOUR FUCKING SPEAK-AND-SPELL.

William: .oO(She got out of the closet with the death phone… she got out of the apartment… how? The door was still locked… must have teleported. Shit! Meditation. Of course. Hmm…)

William: Alright, send her up!

William: Welcome back, bun!
Melanie: What the fuck? Where am I? And what are you wearing?
William: It’s my work uniform. They promoted me to Chief of the SCIA today. I didn’t get a chance to mention it, what with you resurrecting my parents as zombies and trying to eat me.

William: Anyway, enjoy! I left you Tori and Mallory for company.
Melanie: Wh… wait, what? What the hell? What the fuck is this shit?

Melanie: Get out of the way, gingerbread, I’m coming in.
William: Naw, don’t think so. Think I’ll take the ladder with me.

William: Enjoy your new home, bitch! The fridge is stocked full of chips and juice. I hope it doesn’t spoil that awesome ass of yours. Oh, and don’t bother trying to meditate… there isn’t enough room. Ta ta!

Melanie: This isn’t exactly how I expected things to work out…

Melanie: …but damn, these chips are good. Mmmmfmfmfmmgm.

Melanie: -buuurrrrppp-

Charming to the last.

William: Well, off to work! Have a nice pissing yourself! I mean, day! I mean, pissing yourself!

Jessie: Hey! I’m walkin’ here! I’m walkin’ here!
William: Nobody stops for crosswalks anymore, old dude.

Jessie: I’m trying to be angry, but that ride is BOSS!
William: Comes with the territory, buddy. Said territory being “rich, attractive, and a government employee.”

It’s high time for a wardrobe upgrade!

Reed Sell: DAMN! You almost look half as good as I do!

William: Only half? I think your math’s a bit off, my good man. Let’s you, me, and my machinegun talk it over.

William: And the adoring fans go wild!
Brady: -stares into space-
Uma: -massages her wrist-
Asia Jeffress: -looks the other way-

William: Just doing my job, folks!
Brady: I hope they don’t expect me to clean this shit up…

Our resident secret agent man makes good his escape.

William: Fucking hell! What is this, “Old People Jump in Front of William’s Car Day”?

Sullivan: No, that’s in February.
William: What are you doing on the road?
Sullivan: I like the feel of tarmac under my shoes. Reminds me of finely-crushed skull gravel.

His greatest nemesis finally defeated, William Sharpe is at the top of the intelligence heap now. Will the SCIA’s new chief bring an end to the zombie apocalypse, or is it already too late?

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