The Pine Valley Chronicles, Chapter Twenty-Three

Warning: Nudity! Sex! Swearing! Not! Safe! For! Work!

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I’m really proud of the title pic joke for this update.

Welcome to Chapter Twenty-Three of the Pine Valley Chronicles!

In the two-part Chapter Twenty-Two, all hell broke loose at William Sharpe’s house and he continued on his road to becoming the greatest hero the SimNation has ever tolerated!

This update won’t be so mopey, although it’s my least favourite in a while – mostly because I had writer’s block the entire time and had little to no fun doing it. Your mileage may vary.

Chelsea: What’s on for today? Saving more kittens from trees? Or will they let you actually fight fires for a change?
Peter: Hnng… what? Huh? Oh, fireman, right. I’m a fireman… that’s for sure. Yeah. That’s me! Um… yeah, that kitten thing you said. Probably. Yeah.

For one horrifying moment I thought more hippies were moving in, but no, it’s just Jade Landry and her octogenarian fashion sense.

Since she’s CLEARLY not stealing a newspaper, I like to think Cecilia is stealing all hope and joy from the world.

Jade: Hey, old dude! Congratulations on nearly getting that door open! I know how frail and feeble and useless you cats are!

Are you trying to get eaten?

When this neighbourhood blows up and I replace it, I’m making the new townies myself. This is what Maxis thinks everyday clothing looks like.

I swear, more weird people walk past the Price house than anywhere else in Pine Valley.

Chelsea: It’s called “Portrait of the Artist as a Flesheating Zombie.”


Curiously, Randy isn’t happy with how his brother keeps resurrecting him, murdering him, and then smashing his urn. I guess you can please some of the people some of the time…

Speaking of which, Peter’s back on the job.

As far as hauntings go, Randy is pretty pathetic. Which is more or less what I would expect from him.

Peter: You shall be my mate.
Lora: -kaff- You already have a mate!
Peter: She won’t notice.

Her skin is grey and rotting, and she’s blowing stink fumes in every direction, but her face is unmistakeably hot. I’m not sure how to feel about that.

Chelsea: You’re such an attentive boyfriend, Peter!

Yeah, I’m definitely keeping Lora.

That zombie skin sure does a wonderful boob job, doesn’t it?

You’d better not let Peter see you using that. I’m surprised he hasn’t asked me if he can marry it.

Valerie: Holy shit, really?! I’m like… less than a background character! How the fuck did I just get resurrected?! You don’t want me to, like… take over the house, or something, do you? ‘cuz I’ve heard horror stories from Kaylynn and Brooke.
Lora: I’m creating life 😀


Lora: Oh my god! My pulse!
Chelsea: Lora, you’re a zombie. You’re not supposed to have a pulse.


Lora Gast: died fast.

Wow, even Peter’s sad.


Oh. Right. That makes more sense.

Bradley: I know this is going to sound really insensitive, but I have to ask: should I know who this person is?
Bradley: Again, I don’t mean to seem rude, but… you are…?


Valerie: No! Lora! Take me with you!


Valerie survives Randy’s attack and takes up Lora’s hot zombie boobs mantle.

One of the worst things about Pine Valley is that when this icon shows up in someone’s speech or thoughts, I have no idea what event in particular they mean. At this point I think it’s something like the following:

Valerie: DEATH.

Just DEATH in general. It’s as SimNational as SimApple SimPie.

This is my new cemetery, Sorrow’s End. I’ve moved all the dead townies out of Hushed Whispers where the playables get interred, and from now on they’re all going straight here. Expect it to fill up really soon.

Welcome to Sorrow’s End Cemetery, where… well, where the sorrow ends. Although we can’t really promise that for living people. Dead people, though, no more sorrow. ‘cuz they’re dead.

Brady’s replacement shows up for his first day of work. Surprise, look who it is.

Good day at school?

Cecilia: Killed ten people.

Ooh, almost a new record!

Cecilia: Okay… so a train leaves Strangetown at 3:00, and another one leaves Desiderata Valley at 4:00…

Cecilia: This is valuable information. If my calculations are correct, I can cause an awesome train crash if I get to the Pleasantview switch by 6:30.

They call that “extra credit.”

I’m pretty sure Sullivan is daring me to turn the jets on. Seriously dude, what are you doing in the front zombie fryer?

Sullivan: Preventing this bitch from stealing the fucking paper.
Brandi: -is frozen in terror-
Grugly: -is frozen in terror-

Cecilia: Seriously? You don’t wanna be a paperboy FOREVER, do you Clarence? We’re totally going to university. You’ve got decent grades, right? Well I DON’T KNOW, I’ve never even SEEN an NPC do homework…
Sullivan: -has seen everything-

Cecilia: It’s hard to leave this place, you know… lots of memories.

Oh, please do go on. I can’t wait to hear this.

Cecilia: Over there, by my parents room, I killed Oliver with an axe. Over here, where the kitchen table was, I killed one of those Murphy bitches. With an axe. Oh, and who could forget out in the garage, where I killed my stepmother with an axe? Good times… good times.

And that’s only half of them.

Cecilia: Well, I don’t like to brag.

Cecilia: Oh, one last question: does your delivery service handle sharps? No, I mean sharp things. Things with an edge. Yeah, kinda like cutlery, sure. They cut stuff. Yeah.


Zombies beware, you’re in for a scare.

Stewart: AHAHAHA he’s all cracked out!
Leonard: AHAHAHA that’s awesome!
Shadow: -Vietnam flashbacks-

Hey, FRIDAY! Good day at work?

FRIDAY: Comment: (formatting: dejected) I got fired.

Oh well. At least you’re not a soulless autonomaton, right? Heh heh.

FRIDAY: Comment: (formatting: furious) FUCKING MEATBAG ASSHOLES

Whoah, dial down the crazy a bit there, okay? I think someone needs a refresher on the Three Laws of Robotics.

FRIDAY: Comment: Oh, no, that wouldn’t be a problem. My unobtainium-coated shell is impervious to rainfall.
Sullivan: You don’t say? Just let me get my notebook, and we’ll talk some more.

Sullivan: How about gunfire?
FRIDAY: Comment: I’m bulletproof.
Sullivan: Blunt force?
FRIDAY: Comment: Shock absorbers.
Sullivan: Rape?
FRIDAY: Query: (formatting: confused, wary) Pardon?
Sullivan: Nothing. Nuclear fission?

Stewart: Thanks for teaching me how to do homework, FRIDAY!
FRIDAY: Comment: You are welcome, master (subset: child) designate Stewart.
Stewart: I’m sure my mommy would help, but I know she’s very busy. And doesn’t love me.
FRIDAY: .oO(Run subroutine loop: awkward silence, duration: fifteen point two three seconds.)

Leonard: Thanks for teaching me how to do homework, FRIDAY!
FRIDAY: Comment: You are welcome, master (subset: child) designate Leonard.
Leonard: You’re like a daddy to me, FRIDAY! Only not like my real daddy, because he’s blue and he eats people and anyway my brother Andrew killed him with a ray gun.

It was at this point that I realized I was seeing all the same townies lately because… half of the originals are dead already.

FRIDAY: Comment: Who’s an excellent filamentous biomaterial factory? Are you? Are you an excellent filamentous biomaterial factory? Because SOMEBODY HAS TO VACUUM UP ALL THIS FUCKING HAIR AND GUESS WHO DOES IT? GUESS WHO DOES IT? IT’S MUGGINS HERE WHO ENDS UP HAVING TO DO IT, ISN’T IT? I BET IT IS! I BET IT IS!

Sullivan: What do you mean you don’t have enough money to pay me? I’m going to take something you own as payment, you slacker.

I’m not making it up, that’s exactly what he said.

Then he stuffed Stephen’s BED into a BIG PURPLE BAG.

There was a bed here. It’s gone now.

Let’s have a peek at FRIDAY’s Wants and Fears panel, shall we?

FRIDAY: And then the proton beams travel through pipes in an ultra-high vacuum, where they are steered into collisions by magnets.
Leonard: Does that make the magnets happy?
FRIDAY: Oh, they’re polarized on the subject. Ha. Ha. Ha.

Leonard: When do we get to the part where it blows up the world?
FRIDAY: For that crack, storytime is over.

FRIDAY: Master (subset: child) designate Stewart, what kind of story would you prefer to hear? I have a drama about the Very Large Array which I promise will have an excellent resolution! Ha. Ha. Ha.

Leonard: Pray lord this one has some car chases in it…

Brandi: Hello? Hello? Zombie person? Are you in there?

Brandi: Oh, you’re painting! And you’re wearing a funny outfit! I heard about this kind of thing with elephants. Good for you!
Cameron: This is my work uniform. I’d be going to work right now if your fucking fiancé hadn’t locked me in here.

Brandi: Wow, you talk really well for a zombie! I was expecting “…brains…” or something like that.

Cameron: Do you want something, lady?


Brandi: Excellent.. all according to plan.

Brandi: Wait, this isn’t right… it feels all gross and goopy and GROSS

You’re the one that wanted it, bitch. I have no sympathy for you idiotic Knowledge Sim types.

Tori Kosmokos: -is not Solid Snake-

Brandi: Hey, this isn’t half bad!

Just keep on telling yourself that.

Andrew: Well, since you infected Brandi I might as well let you out, beautiful.

They still have three bolts of chemistry.

And it shows.

Andrew: Just make sure you keep that tongue in my MOUTH.
Cameron: Don’t be racist.


Andrew: Can you even feel this? I’m afraid I’m gonna break something.
Cameron: Oh, you mad romantic.

William: Aw hell, not this again!

Andrew: I just got a really bad feeling.
Cameron: Well, I told you it was all rotten in there. You knew the risks.
Andrew: No, I mean…

Andrew: …I mean I have a really bad feeling for some reason.

William: I hope you didn’t do this to impress me…

William: …because this is NOT my kind of foreplay!

Brandi: Ow… OW… why does it hurt THERE…?
William: They don’t call me The Flash for nothin’, babe! Zoom! Heh heh.

William: Oh, hey Andrew. Your fiancé is a zombie now, and she was gonna eat you but I kicked her ass.
Andrew: That’s great, William. Now get out of my house. Shoo. Go home. We’ll take it from here.

William: Heh, alright, whatever you say! Fucking lunatic.

Brandi: Ooh, hello handsome! Just let me freshen up and I’ll be right with you!
Andrew: Keep believing that.
Door: -slams-
Lock: -clicks-

Crisis averted! Andrew diligently goes back to work.

It’s an ant farm, if you can’t tell.

Cameron: A good lab should be tidy.

You’re a zombie. You’re walking contamination. Just being near that window makes it dirtier than you’d ever be able to wash off!

Brandi: Hello? Hell-ooooo! Can anybody hear me?! The door seems to have accidentally been locked from the outside? Hello?

Brandi: What was that? Is someone out there? Helloooooo?!?!
Cameron: These pancakes are really good, Brandi! I’d give you some, but then you wouldn’t starve to death, you awful bitch.

Brandi: I’m not an awful bitch D:

Yeah, you pretty much are.

Brandi: Soooo hungry…

You should have thought of that before you cheated on your fiancé and then tried to eat the only other person who liked you.

Brandi: Hello? I heard my dresser drawers moving! What are you doing in our bedroom? Hello? Cameron? Andrew? Anybody?

Trapped in the upstairs apartment, Melanie is deep in thought. How to escape?

William: Name?
Tiffany Yang: Tiffany Yang.
William: Hmm, only half ethnic, that’ll cost you some points. Where are you from?
Tiffany: Takemizu Village.
William: Man, I’ve already had so many SimJapanese… okay. I’ll pencil you in for next Thursday.

William: Okay, see you in a few days! Shall we, Kitty?
Kitty: Teehee!
Tiffany: Why does she get to go first?
William: She properly leveraged her names. “Kitty” makes her sound like a porn star, and “Enriquez” makes her sound SimSpanish and I haven’t had one of those yet.

William is clearly making great advances for the cause of feminism.

Kitty: Mmm… say something sexy.
William: I shot my first girlfriend to death right where you’re standing.

Katy: Oh, William!
William: Oh, Katy!
Katy: Oh, William!
William: Oh, doorbell! Hold that pose!

William: Hey, wow, a lumberjack. That’s a new one on me.
Emmy Hourvitz: I would love to be on you.
William: Sounds good. How about next Friday at noon?
Emmy Noon’s no good for me. I work all night and I sleep all day.
William: I honestly can’t believe I walked into that.

Katie: Holy shit, I’m hovering!

I love how he’s only holding on to her loosely. Either she’s mastered the art of levitation or he has the most badass arms and hands in history.

William: Man, I’ve fucked like… forty people by this point!

This woman has personally zombified more than forty people.

She has the highest fighting skill in the neighbourhood.

And she’s stuffing her face straight from the refrigerator. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.

Eh? What’s this then? Doing a little working out are we? That’s not gonna help you.

Oh, you’re not working out, you’re meditating.

And with that chilling image, we draw this short and dull update to a close.

Next time: revenge of the zombie queen! Or not. We’ll see!

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